Original subtitles

- Florida Snake Hunt 2016.

Hmm.

Total length of snakes.

No more than two pieces.

Head must be included. Oof.

$20,000 grand prize.

How to kill big snakes.

- If you ever you catch a Burmese python,

make sure you kill it on the spot.

- Oh, my God!

- Their teeth are so long, so sharp.

They just puncture right down.

- You gotta protect yourself. Gloves, heavy boots.

- You need a swamp vehicle.

- Firmly pin the snake behind the head.

- Try not to hesitate. - Ew.

- Take a captive bolt gun or air pistol.

- So this might be the largest python I've ever caught.

- Draw an imaginary X on the back of their head.

Boom! One shot destroys the brain.

- Here we go.

Aw, shit.

Oof.

Hey.

- Oh, yeah, I guess it was, like,

pouring rain till, like, one minute ago.

The weather is crazy.

I don't care what Marco says. Climate change is real.

- I believe in climate change.

- Doesn't take two people to answer the door, Marco.

- Were you just hiding a bike in our bush?

- God, seriously?

Why are you so obsessed with me?

- I am not obsessed with you.

I live here. It's my bush.

- Now it seems like you're obsessed with bushes.

- I am not obsessed with bushes.

- Yeah, you are, and it's weird,

because it's not even your bush.

- It's in front of my house. - That you rent.

You're borrowing that bush.

- Well, at least I have a bush. - You're a bush borrower.

- You live in an apartment. - You're a bush borrower.

- Bush borrower.

- I'm having a little car trouble.

That's right. You were there.

I was hopin' I could borrow yours for work.

- Psh, you don't work.

- I do work, Marco.

I'm starting a saw palmetto farm...

- Ooh. - Which is a billion-dollar

international industry.

By the way, I got a huge investor meeting.

It's big stuff.

I was hopin' I get the car just for today.

- No--no.

- Yeah, Marco don't need to go anywhere.

He's gotta hang around.

He's on bush patrol.

- I'm not obsessed with bushes.

- And yet here we are, talking about bushes again.

- 5:30? No problem.

Hey.

- Name, email, phone number.

- Okay.

- Welcome packet.

- What's the whistle for?

Does it scare the snakes away or call them to you?

- Yes.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Wayne Persons, and I'm here to welcome you

to the second annual South Florida Python Challenge.

All right, a few quick reminders:

hunting must be done

at approved competition locations, all right?

Hooks, tongs, and bags are permitted.

Not permitted are:

traps, explosives, chemicals, smoke.

Dead snakes are counted by the foot.

Fertilized eggs inside a snake or inside a nest

are counted as two feet of snake.

- Oh, a nest. Ooh, boy.

That's the dream right there. - Mm.

- You know a big female can pop out

about 100 eggs at a time, huh?

I'd like to see her body bounce back after that one.

- Now, before we begin, please join me in a moment of silence

for last year's champion, Boone Finnigan.

He was an honorable man

who passed away far too soon.

- Was he eaten by a snake?

- No. He shot himself.

- Oh. - He was depressed or whatever.

Actually, he used the prize money to buy the gun.

- Damn. - All right, that's it.

Let the games begin.

- Whoo! Yeah!

Corby, come on. Stop shootin' me from below.

Rise up. Get some flattering angles.

Little tricep.

- It's a camera, not a magic wand.

- I make huntin' vids for YouTube.

That's my cameraman.

- This child?

- He's my son.

But I'm a professional.

Got about 150,000 subscribers.

I don't say that to intimidate you.

- I don't feel intimidated.

- Well, you should.

It's a lot of subscribers.

150K makes me an MTI.

Mid-tier influencer.

- Pretty soon, you'll be a UTI.

- Upper-tier influencer.

- I know what a UTI is, okay?

My father has dementia. He gets them all the time.

And you just made a very powerful enemy.

- Okay.

Okay.

- I'm sorry-- - Corby!

Come on. Put the camera on me.

Get this turn.

Ooh.

- Hey!

- Oh, what's up, Jillian G?

- You're here. That's so awesome.

We're gonna be unstoppable.

When we team up--you know you can enter the contest

with a partner.

- Okay, but... do I need a partner?

- Snake hunting is so much easier with a team.

Everyone knows you need a grabber and a lookout,

and I'm very good at grabbing.

- I'm sure you're a great grabber, but...

I need all that prize money

to buy my saw palmetto farm.

- Okay, but are you sure you can do this alone?

There is some very intense competition.

Take a look around you.

Camo guy, camo guy, flannel shirt, camo guy,

and look at this old-timer.

He looks like he knows the swamps better than anyone.

- That guy's so old, insects think he's dead.

A fly just landed on his eye.

- He's staying super still as a hunting technique.

Any second, he's gonna snatch it right out of the air.

Okay, well, the camo guys mean business.

- I'ma take my chances on my own.

But best of luck to you.

I'll see you out there.

- Okay, well, just so you know, I'm gonna destroy you!

Hit me up on Uber if you ever need a ride!

Looks like you've got a car again, though,

so you probably won't need to.

- "The Business Battlefield."

"Getting Ready to Brawl."

Here's a question I ask all my entrepreneurs:

what do you, Bill Gates, and Jeff Bezos have in common?

You're probably thinking, "Rita, not much."

Wrong.

You all have the same number of hours in a day.

It's what you do with that.

- Hey there, Mr. Independent,

Mr. Single Rider.

How's the hunting?

- Pretty good. You?

- Oh, it's going great.

I'm actually glad you didn't want to partner up,

because I found someone else.

He's really wonderful.

- Oh, yeah? Cool. Where is he?

- He's here. He's just slumped over a bit.

- The bumpy road put him right to sleep.

- You sure that guy should be out in the sun hunting snakes?

- His name is Silas,

and he's actually quite spry for his age.

You'd be surprised.

- Another fly just landed on his eye.

- It's not his fault.

He takes a medication that makes his tears sweet.

- Cool. Well, I'm glad it all worked out for you.

You found somebody that you're very excited about.

- Yes, I am very excited.

But if you're having any regrets now...

- Nope. - I would just think

that seeing how happy I am might make you--

- Jillian, I'm good. - What the hell?

Are you trying to replace me?

- What? No, no.

I was just trying to make him jealous.

He was gonna be all, "I do wanna be partners,"

and I was gonna be all, "Psych! You had your chance.

Later, loser."

- Oh, well, all right.

You stay away from us,

or I'll slit your throat.

He's a feisty one.

This morning, he told me if I didn't stop tapping my fingers,

he'd bite them off one by one.

- Oh. - Anyway,

have fun going it alone.

- The people who really want success

will do anything to get it.

Yes, you may run into a mountain,

but mountains are made for climbing.

It may not always be easy,

but you have to get comfortable

being uncomfortable.

I always tell my entrepreneurs that the road to success

is not a road.

It's an obstacle course,

and that's a good thing,

because once you get to the end of your journey,

you realize the journey never actually ends.

There's always a new mountain to climb.

But now you're prepared.

You've taken every test and dodged every bullet.

You've been under the gun and had your feet to the fire.

- Gotcha!

Ow!

Fuck!

- Oh, fuck.

Ugh, shit.

Ah!

Oh, shit.

Gah! Fuck!

- Yo, Craig. - Damn!

- Hello--hello?

Craigory! Brah, you okay?

- I think I just broke my foot.

- So sounds like snake huntin's goin' great.

- I'm bleeding here, Zay. Shut up!

- Don't get mad at me. Why'd you answer the phone?

- 'Cause I just called an ambulance.

I thought you were them calling back.

- Wait, you already called an ambulance?

I thought you just broke your foot.

I also nailed a snake to my hand.

- What was that? I couldn't hear you.

- I also nailed a snake to my hand!

Is it still on there?

Hey, FaceTime me real quick.

I wanna see this shit.

- Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

- Not doin' great, Jillian G. - Ah!

Oh, you fuckup.

- Look at that.

You got him right in the brain.

At least he didn't feel any pain.

- Oh, I'm so glad this dead snake is comfortable.

- I'm gonna try to pull the nail out.

Maybe it won't hurt.

I read somewhere that there's a part of the human hand

that doesn't have any nerves.

Not that part!

- Silas, you're on tons of medication.

Do you have any painkillers?

I've got diclofenac.

- What are those for? - I have no idea.

I just eat whatever jangles in my pocket.

But he can't have any.

- Damn. - He's the enemy.

I hope you die out here.

- I'm not taking some old man's mystery pills.

Besides, I already called an ambulance.

- Craig, do you have health insurance?

- No. I mean, I had it, but then I got fired.

- That's a shocker.

- You really don't wanna call an ambulance.

Having them come all the way out here

is gonna be so expensive.

- Can't be that expensive.

- Like, $1,500. - What? Shit.

- That's how much they charged me

when I fell off the water slide.

I have debt collectors calling me to this day.

That's why I have to answer all unknown calls as...

A little boy named Simon.

- Just don't answer the unknown calls.

But what if I've won a sweepstakes?

- Well, I obviously don't have $1,500 lying around.

Fuck! - I could take you to my friend

who's a doctor.

She'll see you for a couple hundred bucks,

maybe for free because she's my friend.

We're really good friends.

- The amount of times you said she's your friend

makes me feel like she's not your friend.

But if she's a doctor...

- Oh, she's a great doctor and my friend.

Screw it.

What have I got to lose?

Ah, shit.

Guess we gotta tell them to turn around.

- They're gonna charge you anyway.

They bill you as soon as you make the call.

But I can get us out of here. Hide the snake.

- Hide the snake? It's nailed to my hand.

- Just put it behind your back.

Okay, act natural.

Big normal smiles.

- We got a call about a man

with a snake nailed to his hand.

- Oh, well, sadly none of us are that man,

but good luck in finding him.

But now you mention it, I did see someone like that.

- Okay. So where?

- He went to the bathroom.

That's his car back there with the billboard.

He'll probably go back to it.

- I'm sorry. Who are you?

You're all just out in the swamp,

unrelated to the call?

- Yup.

We're having a swamp day.

Lil' swamp romp.

We're a family.

This is my husband and his father.

My father?

- Anyway, we better get going.

Get in the car, boys!

Mum's driving.

- Whose mom are you?

- I'm the mother to two young sons.

They're no longer with us.

But I'll always be a mother.

- Oh, now to just grab the nail gun and...

Oh, yeah.

And we're off!

- I can see the snake on your hand, man.

- Don't know what you're talking about.

- You called us out here.

We need to get your name and information.

- Go, go, go. Silas, meet us at the car!

- Are you worried about leaving your car back there?

- Why, because that billboard is my livelihood

and it contains all my worldly possessions?

A little bit, but I'll figure it out.

Let's just get you to the doctor.

- Hey, thank you for helping me

with the ambulance back there.

- My pleasure.

And I was thinking...

neither of us is gonna win this thing alone.

If you did wanna team up,

I could invest my half of the prize money in your business,

and you could make me a partner.

- I knew it.

You're throwing me to the curb.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Silas.

But you're really not a great partner.

You're slow. You're mean.

You think everything's a snake. - I'm not mean.

- Come on, Silas. You're a dick.

- All right. I'm sorry if I'm competitive.

But I need to earn that money to pay for my funeral.

- Wait, Silas, are you dying?

- Do I look like I'm dying?

- I mean... - Well, you are...

- I wouldn't be a shock if-- - Advanced in years.

- The answer is no. I'm not dying.

- Good.

- And you don't have family

to take care of funeral stuff?

- I got nobody.

And when you die in Florida with no money,

you know what they do?

They cremate you.

Put you in a plastic bag

and throw you over in a file cabinet.

Unless you're an unknown.

And then you get buried so they can identify you later.

Stupid unknowns. They get everything good.

- I'm sorry, Silas.

- Oh, don't be sorry.

When I win the 20 grand, I'm gonna have a real burial

and a tombstone.

"Here lies Silas Humphries,

"treasurer of the Scott Lake Business Council.

"Coauthored a report that convinced the Dolphins

to build Joe Robbie Stadium at its current location."

- Very long. - It's a lot of information

for a tombstone. - It's a bit clunky.

- Yeah... I just want people to know

that my life meant something.

- How far is this doctor? - I don't know.

The mall's, like, ten minutes away.

- The mall?

- Okay, now, before you meet her,

I do have to come clean.

You were right.

I'm not really friends with Tasha.

She rode in my Uber, and I thought we really hit it off.

But she never responded

to any of the follow-up texts I ever sent her.

- I don't care if she's your friend, Jillian G.

I care that she works next to a Wetzel's.

- Okay, wow. That is crazy.

- It really is.

Do you know what else is crazy?

The fact that you and I never hung out

after we totally hit it off.

I mean, I idled at your destination

for, like, six minutes so we could

finish our conversation.

Remember? - I think I was drunk.

- Right, that makes sense.

That's so Tasha.

- Can we hurry up and get this thing off me, please?

- Yeah, let me just fire up the cool sculpting machine.

- Cool sculpting machine?

- Yeah, well, it's made for fat-freezing,

but I think I can probably get the snake real cold

and then just crack it off.

- But no, no, you gotta give me anesthesia

and then sew me back up.

- Yeah, this is a med spa.

I was really only trained for the cool sculpting.

It was, like, a two-day seminar in Boca.

That's why I get to wear this cool coat.

- Fuck this. I'm out. Take me to a real doctor.

- Tasha is a real doctor. - No.

We're not allowed to represent ourselves that way.

They were very clear about that in Boca.

- This is crazy. I should've never let you

talk me out of the ambulance.

- I was just trying to be helpful.

- You were trying to replace me.

- Look, you have to get over that, Silas.

- But why, though?

Why you want me to be your partner so bad?

We barely even know each other.

- I just... really need money.

Every day is so stressful,

and I know I can't win this thing on my own

or with fucking Silas.

But then you came along,

and I guess I just don't have

that many people in my life right now,

except for Tasha.

- I literally don't know your name.

- Her name is Jillian G.,

and I'm sorry your life is stressful.

But my life is stressful too.

It's only gotten more stressful

since the moment I got in your car.

You might be the most stressful person

I ever met in my life.

So now you're gonna drive me back to Camille's,

and I'ma return her car.

Then I'ma get in a cab and go to the hospital

like a normal person.

- All right. Sorry.

Let's go to Camille's. Who's Camille?

- My ex-wife! - Right. Okay. Context clues.

I'll call you, Tasha.

- I'm sorry about earlier.

I just thought you were trying to steal my partner.

You can have some... if you want.

Jangle, jangle.

- I'm sorry. My meeting ran long.

- It's my fault. I made us stop for milkshakes.

We finished them and threw away the cups and napkins.

I'm Jillian, by the way.

- These are my colleagues from my new job.

It's a pretty great job.

I'd go into it, but I don't want Marco to feel threatened.

- What's she saying? Is she buying it?

She still looks really upset.

- She can read lips, Jillian G.,

and Marco can fully hear you.

- Who's Marco?

Wait. Context clues.

I know who Marco is.

- Okay, you met Jillian. We had small talk.

Marco offered nothing.

Now to just shut the door.

- What the fuck is that?

- It's a Burmese python, Marco.

- I'm doing this snake-hunting contest for money,

and I accidentally nailed it to my hand.

I know. I've been lying all day.

I'm the asshole.

Yeah, I'm goin' to the hospital.

I'll be fine. It's okay.

You can yell at me.

- What? No, be angry.

You're supposed to be angry.

I don't need help.

I need you to be angry

because you expect more from me.

- Like when a dog eats chocolate?

That's how you see me?

I'm an adult man

with a legitimate career plan.

I don't want your pity.

If you're not gonna yell at me, I'm leavin'.

Let's go, Jillian.

Let's go, Silas.

Silas.

Silas!

Fuck.

He dead.

- Can you bag this up for us, please?

- Sure.

- I understand you knew the deceased.

- Yeah, we were-- - We didn't know him at all.

Met him this morning. Never even got his real name.

He just wanted us to call him Pops.

- So there's nothing you can tell me about him--

where he lived, where his family's at?

- No. He just said, "I'm Pops,"

and those were the last words he ever spoke.

- Well, I'll be back to take your info down

in case there are more questions.

- Happy to be of service. Take care of Pops for us!

- What was that?

- I took Silas' wallet before they got here,

so he has no ID on him.

He's officially an unknown,

so now he can be buried like he wanted.

- Okay, but what about his pills?

Didn't the bottle in his pocket have his name on it?

- Oh, shit.

I'll go grab 'em. You create a distraction.

- Create a distraction? - You'll be great.

- Hello.

Hey, I just remembered some more stuff about Pops.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

He said he was born in Tennessee.

- Did he say where in Tennessee?

- He did. I ju--I can't remember where.

Maybe you could name some places in Tennessee,

jog my memory.

- Nashville?

- No, it wasn't nothing like that.

- Memphis? - Oh, don't be silly.

Can you name some street addresses?

- Street addresses in Tennessee?

- Yeah, it was a weird number,

something I never thought could be a house.

- Hey, that junkie's stealing drugs from a corpse!

- No, I wasn't!

That's not what was happening!

I wasn't stealing drugs!

I was just--

I just wanted to touch this dead man's dick!

No law against that!

- There definitely is.

- Right, yeah. So I was stealing drugs.

But I'll just put them back right now.

There they are. Back.

- No! Come back here!

- Almost there.

- Jillian G.

- Hey.

What are you doing here?

- I brought your house back.

Plus, I wanted to see how much trouble you were in.

- It's only a misdemeanor since Silas can't press charges.

It's actually a good loophole, stealing from a corpse.

- You mean grave robbing?

- I guess I do mean grave robbing.

Grave robbing is a life hack.

- Yeah, well, anyway,

you were right.

I obviously can't do this alone,

and since you're without a partner now,

I came to see if you're still interested in teamin' up.

- Really?

I thought I was the most stressful person

you've ever met.

- That was before I saw what you did for Silas.

That was pretty cool.

- Thank you.

You know I didn't actually touch his dick.

- I meant about the pills.

You knew him for, like, 12 hours,

and he was kind of an asshole,

and you were still willing to go to jail

just to help him out.

- I just wanted him to get buried

so his life meant something.

But I guess he's still not gonna get that tombstone.

- I actually had a thought about that.

Ooh, that was a good day.

- Great day. See you tomorrow, partner!

- Partner.

- Craig. - Oh, hey, Mr. Palimides.

- Can I talk to you? - Yeah, what's goin' on?

- I need to show you something.

Is that your apartment?

Are you making pornography in my building?

- No, no. That's not my apartment.

I mean, I could see where it looks like it

'cause of the layout,

but no, mine is actually very different.

What the fuck?

- I want you out by tomorrow.

Fuck.

- Not a doctor. Shh.