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Release the comedian.

Hello. Thank you very much.

Welcome to Dynasty Typewriter's
coveted Monday night

at 10-spot.

When the Mid-Wilshire comes out to play.

We have a lovely stage set here.

We have Liberace storm shutters.

Someone got the mud flaps

from Timothee Chalamet's Cybertruck.

This neighborhood is called the
Mid-Wilshire in Los Angeles.

When I first moved here,

I used to live right down the street.

And I moved here from Massachusetts.

And people would always ask my relatives,

"Do you miss the seasons?"

And well, it depends.

You know, I love fall in Massachusetts.

But winter, like I love winter.

That's why I live in Los Angeles.

I love winter up until about January 1st,

then I'm done.

And if you live in Massachusetts,

after January 1st, all
you have left to deal with

is four more months of shit.

It's too cold to do anything.

It gets dark at two
o'clock in the afternoon.

The world is just dead
trees and dirty snow.

Owls in the woods. Why?

Why?

Everybody's depressed.

Suicide hotline, I wanna kill myself.

I called you.

It's just so cold.

Halloween in New England is awful

because it's already so cold.

Half the time you put on your costume,

and then you would've to put your parka on

over your costume,

and just go around the neighborhood
flashing your neighbors

and like, "I'm a pirate.

give me a Zagnut, Jesus Christ."

"Who are you?"

"I'm C-3PO, take me a word for it.

Just give me the Reese Cup."

You get pneumonia for Christ's sakes.

And then they move to Los Angeles

where Halloween starts
in the middle of August.

It's 150 degrees.

I took my kids to the pumpkin
patch, it was just pies.

And they start the season really early

because it makes a lot of money.

So they get in there.

And when you go into
like CVS or Walgreens,

when they start to decorate for Halloween,

they always lead with
the big three monsters.

Dracula, Frankenstein,

and older woman.

She doesn't even have
to be in a witch's hat.

Doesn't need it.

Older woman.

Can your heart stand the shocking facts

of what time and gravity
do to the female face?

And the horror you feel
when they leave the house?

The big three, Dracula,
Frankenstein, and Nana.

And I love horror movies.

You know, that's where I grew up on.

Do you love horror movies?

Do you have a favorite horror movie?

"Get Out."

"Get Out." I like a "Pretty Woman."

You thought I said horror.

Understandable, no.

No, I like it.

Have you ever seen "Blacula"?

"Blacula" is fantastic.

1972, William Marshall plays "Blacula".

The first scene in "Blacula,"

Dracula bites a Black guy.

This is easily anticipated

if you know the name of
the movie you're watching.

And then Dracula goes,
"I christen you Blacula."

And they cut.

And I wish they would just
hold it for five more seconds

so you can hear Blacula go, .

"What the fuck did you say my name was?"

Just to watch Dracula backpedal.

"Look, as the king of vampires.

I come from a position of privilege

that I clearly didn't
take into consideration

when I made that show,

which is not indicative
of my feelings in any way.

I won't even eat Count Chocula.

Like I'm committed.

I want you to know my truth.

That's what this is about."

And then all the bros with
podcasts will drag Dracula

for backpedaling to Blacula.

"Okay, got to double down
on that all the time.

You got to just double down.

That's the problem. There's
no real men anymore.

But for all you real men listening,

here's a commercial for a pill
that will give you a boner."

All the podcasts dedicated

to the resurgence of the alpha male

are paid for by pills
that give you a boner.

I still get my own boners,

like some kind of pussy.

I like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

That's a great horror movie, yeah.

Great title. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Then again, after Texas
Chainsaw, kind of writes itself.

"Texas Chainsaw Bake-Off"
is not going anywhere.

Texas is just one of those states.

You put it in front of
some, like Tennessee.

You put Tennessee in
front of any activity,

and it becomes a sex move.

Went home late last
night, woke up the wife,

tried a Tennessee car wash.

How'd that go?

Well, I'm staying with my
brother for a couple of days.

I think she'll calm down.

Should have warned her.

Speaking of sex moves,

I got married about a year and a half ago.

Thank you. Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, thank you very much.

It was my second marriage.

My second marriage.

I've been married before,

and I thought marriage

is such a sacred holy
once in a lifetime thing.

Let's do it again.

But even though it was my second marriage,

it was my wife's first.

So you still got to go all in.

You know, you can't cheap out.

You can't do the "Forrest Gump"
six people in the backyard.

You're gonna spend,

you're spending money,
you're spending money.

But even though it's her first time,

and it's a big deal, you've done it.

It is the second time
on the rollercoaster.

It's like, are you scared?

No, it goes up, and down, and
around, and dancing, and cake.

That's what they do.

We're gathered together before God.

No, I know, yeah, it's very good, yeah.

With the ring and the
cake and the yeah, yeah.

Till death do you part.

Sure thing, boss, whatever you say.

Whatever makes you happy, boss.

That's what they say,
till death do you part.

That's just God's way of saying,

"I can get you out of this."

It's a little extreme.

The way I see it, I didn't get divorced.

I cheated death.

Adolf Hitler.

Adolf Hitler.

The definition of evil.

Waged war on humanity for six years.

And then in his bunker,

wed Eva Braun,

and the next morning, blew his brains out.

Marriage is hard.

What did she say?

You call this a bunker?

My sister's bunker. That's a bunker.

Now you go in there,

and you really know you're in a bunker.

And maybe you'd like your sister's bunker.

Charles Manson.

Charles Manson was in prison for life.

And at the end of his life,

a young woman wanted to marry him.

And at the last minute, he backed out.

This is true.

He was in prison for life,
but he valued his freedom.

My father-in-law made a
big speech at our wedding.

I did not know he could talk.

We'd had several conversations
about the wedding.

And whenever it got to that point

where he might have said
something like, "Hey, Dana,

why don't I pay for that?"

My father-in-law is an airline pilot.

Do you know the difference

between an airline pilot and God?

God doesn't walk around like
a fuckin' airline pilot.

And don't give me like, I love my wife.

I'm gonna tease her a little
bit, but I love my wife.

She's great, she's Swedish.

She's much taller than I am.

She's much more beautiful

than a woman you would
think I would be with.

And we just kinda walk around

like a 3D "Lord of the Rings" poster.

Did you see "Midsommar"?

Okay, you know those
floral crowns they wore

in, that's a traditional Swedish thing.

And our wedding photo, she's wearing one.

Our wedding photo is
this tall, elegant woman

in a floral crown and a flowing robe.

And this little guy looks like a foot.

And it looks like she's
sending me off to Mordor.

And it's funny 'cause we'll
walk down the street together,

and I will see guys look at my wife,

and then look and see that she's with me.

And it's like.

I enrage them.

So I guess my father-in-law's thinking

when he made this speech

was welcome to my daughter's wedding

that her husband is paying for.

You probably wanna know a lot about me.

And I'm in the back going, "Actually, no.

I just wanna go home and fuck your kid."

She's an adult.

But it's technically true.

And, therefore, fun to say.

You know, if you're in QAnon,

if you're in QAnon, anyone
you don't like is a pedophile.

Everyone in Hollywood is a pedophile.

Every Democrat or
progressive as a pedophile.

I wonder if the real pedophiles

are standing around like, "You know,

I remember when being a pedophile
really meant something."

You had to earn it.

Get a van.

Took my dog to the groomer,
make sure it's the dog groomer.

Some guy came out said she
seemed really mature for her age.

My father did not speak at our wedding.

That was as planned.

My dad is 93 years old.

God bless him.

Yep, still going, still going strong.

But he was born in 1930.

You know, he's got some
old school attitudes

about the way things are.

Maybe not the best guy
you want near a microphone

at a public event, you know.

I watched "Gran Torino" with my dad.

It was like watching "Mighty
Joe Young" with a gorilla.

My dad was a bartender when I was a kid.

Very serious man unless he was drinking.

And then he was hilarious.

So I grew up with a dad

who was really, really funny all the time.

He would sing Christmas
carols all year round,

but use them to bitch.

♪ Oh, I make all the money ♪

♪ And your mother spends it all ♪

♪ So I hope you wanna be homeless ♪

♪ Because we're going to lose the house ♪

♪ Oh, your grandma's sick
and she isn't gonna make it ♪

♪ And you better not cry ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't like people's feelings ♪

But he could be surprisingly progressive,

but never for the right reason.

This is a true story.

I'm not clever enough to make this up.

My cousin Lori is a lesbian.

She came out when she was
about 20, 21 years old.

And my father was the only
member from that generation

of our family who didn't lose his shit

that we had a gay person in the family,

you know, an openly gay person.

We all knew about cousin
Tony, but, you know.

But Lori would like leave
the house during the daytime.

She had self-esteem.

It threw everybody off their game.

And my father was the only
member from that generation

of the family that stood up
was like, "What do you care?

No, I'm serious.

How does it bother you

who Lori goes home to at
the end of the goddamn day?

Good for you.

She can't find a guy.

What if she has to kill a spider?

Women can't kill spiders.

It's in the Bible.

Men and apparently
lesbians will kill a spider

as soon as it look at her.

Give the woman someone to
kill a spider, will you?"

But that's the family I grew up in.

You know, I have four
older brothers, okay?

Three of my older brothers,
super fun, life of the party.

One of my older brothers,

kind of a hard ass, bit of a bully.

When we were kids, he would
beat us more than our parents.

That's just wrong.

Now guess which one of
my brothers became a cop.

So I called him by accident.

You ever call the wrong sibling?

Hello? Oh!

Now I got to think of something to say.

So like, well, kids.

He has kids, I have kids,

we get that out of the way, five minutes.

Hey man, what's going on?

Just checking in.

Seeing how you doing, you know.

Just got Nelly.

That's my youngest daughter.

Just got Nelly her last
set of vaccinations,

so she's all caught up.

Goes, "Yeah, we're not gonna
be doing that around here.

Gonna keep our DNA intact."

Now my brother knows
my daughter is adopted.

I have three daughters.

They're all from China

because I'm terrified of my DNA.

And I'm sorry,

I don't understand how it
can be in this day and age

that an educated person
can be against something

as fundamentally beneficial as a vaccine.

And then it hit me.

You know why they're against it.

'Cause other people are for it.

The end.

That's it.

You just have to be for
something, and they'll show up.

It's all they have. It's what they do.

Go online tomorrow morning
and just quietly post,

I like french toast.

Check back in 20 minutes.

Fuck French toast.

Breakfast of the privileged.

What else do you like
for breakfast, genocide?

Where do you work, huh?

But his reasoning drives me crazy.

"I ain't getting vaccinated.

I don't know how it works."

Right, that's why we went out

and got some people smarter than you.

So we can have fun stuff
like open heart surgery

and airplanes.

I don't know how zippers work.

But every morning, I put
my faith in the science.

Leave the house fairly certain
I'm not gonna be in line

at the bank with my dong out.

It all comes down to fear.

It's just fear.

I'm afraid I'm gonna get sick,

so I want everything you have.

I want pills, I want
shots, I want surgery.

I want everything you can give me.

But my brother, he's
much smarter than I am.

He's an independent thinker.

He thinks what all the other
independent thinkers think.

That the government, the
same people in charge

of the post office and the DMV

are also behind a massive
global genetic super conspiracy

that I will believe
when I can buy one stamp

in under 45 minutes.

Some people just don't
wanna be told to do anything

by an authority figure.

It's really weird when they're cops.

But you'll have to work
that one out for yourself.

But you know where he gets it?

He gets it from our mother.

When we were growing up, my mother,

she would smoke, she would drink,

she would take any pill
she could get her hands on

unless it was prescribed by her doctor.

Then she had big problems.

Could have been prescribed by your doctor.

We could have been at your
house, and she found some pills,

those would be down like Skittles.

But God forbid it goes, I
really think you should take...

Slow down big pharma.

I found some mushrooms
growing under the bridge

that I read about in
a witchcraft magazine.

I'm gonna give those six to
eight months, see if they work.

And if not, I'll set my leg
the way you think I should.

And you know who is just like my mother?

My wife.

It's true.

I can't get away from
this personality type.

I am going to be dealing with this

for the rest of my life.

I'm a comedy writer.

I am a very cynical person.

My home is full of crystals.

And my wife will approach
me with a crystal

and say, "Sweetheart,
whisper a manifestation

into this crystal."

I understand that marriage
requires compromise.

Mine is I have to pretend I am a wizard.

But if manifestations worked,
we wouldn't have any crystals

because that's all I ask
of them when we speak.

Are you guys a couple down here?

No, who's a couple?

Anybody in the?

No one? No couples.

That's my draw.

A lot of guys my age who walk
without moving their arms.

Well, to begin with, Voyager
isn't in the Kelvin Timeline.

So I can't believe you're so stupid too.

It's common among couples

that when you go out to the store,

like you'll come go, "Hey,
honey, I'm at the store.

Do you need anything?"

And then the person that gets
that call says what they need.

In my theory, the person
that gets that call,

you get six words.

Hey, I am going to the store.

Do you need anything?

A latte from Starbucks. Thank you.

Some potato chips would be great.

Nell wants more frozen waffle sticks.

Boom, six words.

Kat, Mrs. Gould, bless her heart.

I don't even call anymore.

Like, "Hey, honey, I'm going to the store.

Do you need anything?"

"Oh yes, gosh, thank you, yes, okay.

I need you to go to the NatureWell,

but not the NatureWell
convenient to our home.

I need you to go to the NatureWell annex.

It's by the cargo hanger of
the Van Nuys Military Airport.

Now there's a guard shift at four o'clock

from 4:03 to 4:11, there's
no one in the shack.

Drive right through.

You'll hear a siren, but ignore it.

No one's coming, I promise you.

Drive all the way down to
the last hanger on the left,

but don't go in the front door.

It's open, but there's an infrared scanner

and you'll be sterile.

Go around to the back.

There's a bulkhead, go
down, keep going down.

It's gonna get very dark,
and very cold, and very wet.

You're going in the right direction.

You'll see a small shaft
of light, open the door.

You should see several
middle-aged Asian women

in their underwear ironing money.

You're going in the right direction.

Keep going down.

On the right, you'll see the annex.

Ask for Paolo.

If he's not there, wait,
but don't make eye contact.

I want a green apple smoothie.

But instead of a smoothie,

see if they'll make it as a juice.

But instead of apple, I want kale hearts

and a turmeric extract.

Actually, better idea.

Are you near a penitentiary
or cattle ranch?

Anything with the kind of fencing

where I could get
electricity into lemons?"

No, I'm not doing this.

Because I'm home now.

I've been home for 20 minutes.

I emptied the dishwasher

because you don't know
how to ask for juice.

But you might be saying that's okay.

She can get her own juice, no.

Because if there's one
thing I can tell you

about people who only eat health food,

they are sick every fucking day.

They are sick every fucking day.

The sun pierces the veil of
night and they don't feel good.

If I had to cast people
with the plague for a movie,

I would get any shift from
Whole Foods, any shift.

Their skin is all sallow.

Their hair's Tim Burton.

They're too weak to point.

Where's the deli?

And they get so butthurt.

So we were at a restaurant.

We were at a vegetarian restaurant.

Lot of people.

I didn't know all of them.

You know, we are there, the group.

And I made the mistake
of casually mentioning

I was not vegetarian.

And this one dude, most people are cool.

You know, one dude, "What?

You'll eat a steak?"

Yeah.

"Oh, but you don't wanna
watch them murder the cow."

Nailed it.

I love my brother.

I don't wanna watch my parents fuck.

You don't have to drag everything back

to the point where it's awful.

Everything is awful eventually.

So I know a couple from
back home, back East.

The husband did not get vaccinated,

the wife did get vaccinated.

The husband got COVID, the
wife did not get COVID.

Do you know why?

Because the husband was
standing in front of the wife

when the wind blew the COVID at them.

You can be wrong. It's okay.

When did that become illegal?

You can make a mistake.

You don't lose time off of your life.

I was at a yard sale.

Not to brag.

Yeah, I'm a big shot.

I go to yard sales.

No, we're at a yard sale,

and there was this stack
of old "People" magazines.

"People" magazines that were old,

not old people magazine.

Not like "Matlock Watcher,"

"Denture Enthusiast."

And my favorite, "Extremely Legal."

And there was a "People"
magazine from 1986,

and the cover story

was the most respected man
in America, reader's poll.

You know who it was?

Ronald Reagan.

Bill Cosby.

No.

Reagan came in second.

True. We made a mistake.

We didn't know.

He was the most respected man in America.

And then he went to prison.

And then they let him out.

I think they were afraid
he was gonna commit

sui-frazzle-frizzles.

"I assaulted too many women,

so I'm gonna hang myself in the cell

and commit suici-frazzle."

It's a clear cut case
of prison suici-frazzle.

I went to high school in the 1980s.

Every guy in my graduating
class had a mullet.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

You look in my yearbook now,

it looks like I went to high school

with a lesbian separatist militia.

One day we'll be like that about vaping.

Seemed like a good idea.

The great taste of steam.

The cool look of blowing a flashlight.

And the ultimate example

of we didn't know, Michael Jackson.

We didn't know.

And he didn't give us any signs.

Who would've thought that
a glow in the dark skeleton

who dressed like Napoleon
and lived by himself

in an abandoned amusement park
with other people's children

and a feral chimp would have
such a creepy, dark side?

And if you get to the point in your life,

when you wake up one morning and think,

"You know, I need a chimp."

You're doing too much.

Chimpanzees are horrible animals.

If you've ever read a
newspaper story about someone

who's been attacked by a chimpanzee,

the wounds are always horrific.

And they're always the same.

Because chimpanzees are born

with this thing called an attack protocol.

Chimpanzees are born
knowing how to kill you.

The first thing a chimpanzee
does when it attacks you,

and I'm going to tell you.

I want you to know.

They say that when a bear attacks you,

you are supposed to make yourself look

as physically imposing as you possibly can

and speak very soothingly.

The trial and error that
went in to figuring that out

is written in the blood of campers.

Bear!

♪ Mairzy doats and dozy doats ♪

♪ And liddle lamzy divey ♪

Don't sing pop songs from the '30s.

Next.

But bears are so stupid.

Bears think we all walk around

with shit in our pants.

Because everyone they've ever caught.

Well, we're 12 for 12. You tell me.

Let's just eat the top half
and go find some garbage.

Should we tell them we speak English?

Why? So we can talk
about the in their pants?

Use your head.

The first thing a chimpanzee
does when it attacks you,

it breaks your jaw, so you can't bite it.

Then it chews your hands off

so you can't claw it.

And then it tears your genitals off.

I guess so you won't

rape it.

Chimpanzees are so full of themselves.

They actually think

that even after they've broken your jaw,

chewed off your hands,

you're still gonna be trying
to get him into the sack.

Like there were guys chasing
them through the jungle.

You wouldn't have chewed my
hands off if you didn't want it.

You wouldn't have come out the tree

if you weren't into it, lady.

Yes, my jaw is broken, and
my hands are chewed off.

And you know what else?

I'm tired of all the games.

And now,

I'm going to tell you
all a terrible story-

that happened to some children

at the Neverland Ranch.

Yes, I am.

And when I'm done, you're going to laugh.

And you think that you won't,

but you don't have all the information.

As everyone knows,

Michael Jackson had a chimp named Bubbles.

And Bubbles was adorable
when it was a baby

because everything is
adorable when it's a baby.

Rattlesnakes are adorable
when they're babies.

But then Bubbles grew up and
became an adult male chimp.

Very powerful, very unpredictable,

and with the potential for
great physical violence.

So Bubbles was put into a cage

and moved off the beaten path there

at the old Neverland Ranch.

But Make-A-Wish kids
would come to the ranch,

and they wanted to see Bubbles.

And Bubbles would hurl his feces at them,

which was not their stated wish.

And what you end up with
is kids in wheelchairs

on grass, trying to evade cannonballs

of monkey shit.

And I like to imagine what
that must have looked like

to the sound of Louis Armstrong's
"What a Wonderful World."

♪ I see trees of green ♪

♪ Red roses too ♪

You know what? I love animals.

We have a ton of animals.

I have a wife and three
daughters, everybody has a cat.

I have four cats, two dogs.

I love my dogs.

But one of my dogs, Alfie,

my little dog Alfie

is so fucking stupid.

He's a rescue.

He's never been right.

Alfie has a look in his
eyes that you only get

from a guy in an army jacket sitting alone

on a swing set in the rain.

He will be outside romping
and playing for five hours,

running around the yard,
barking at squirrels.

And then finally, I'll let him in.

Like, "Oh, thank God I'm inside.

Oh, I almost peed outside.

I had to pee so bad.

Oh god, this feels so good."

Oh, I almost peed on the tree.

Is this the antique your mom gave you?

Nope, happy to mark it.

Thank me later. Oh god."

And he just would not learn.

So I take him to the vet, the
vet puts him on dog Prozac.

I feel like an idiot
getting my dog Prozac.

And then a bigger idiot a week later

when I have to bring him back

because he can't get an erection.

And he's 18.

He won't die.

He's staying alive out of spite.

I take him to the vet,

he said everything wrong
with him a dog could have.

I take him to the vet every other week,

and then like, "Yeah no, it's surprising.

But it's not time yet."

That's what they always
say, it's not time yet

to put him down.

You know, they say a dog
is a man's best friend.

You know what my best
friend is never gonna do?

Make me murder him.

I have several human best friends.

I'm not afraid of that call.

"Hey Dane, I don't know what
you're doing this weekend,

but I haven't been feeling that good.

I think maybe you just come
by and kill me with a shovel.

I think one good swing
to the head will do it.

Why do I care what the police will think?

It's not about you."

So I was in the airport the other day,

and I see this really sweet sight.

I see a woman, she's
walking with her little boy,

and the little boy is
walking with this little dog.

And it was just like, boop, boop, boop.

It was so sweet.

And the only thing that was
interesting about it to me

was that the woman was covered in tattoos,

just completely sleeved on both arms.

Huge plate across her back.

And I understand that's
normal now. That's culture.

I'm just glad it wasn't culture
when I was that little boy.

Just thinking about the
tats my mom would've gotten.

Pack of merits and an astrology magazine.

Big gothic font across your chest.

"Can I have five goddamn
minutes to myself, please?

And don't think I'm not gonna
tell your father what you did

when he gets home from work.

Although God knows when that's gonna be

'cause it's Thursday night
and he got his paycheck,

so he's down at the bar
with his asshole friends

buying everybody rounds

like we got all the money in the world,

and then he is gonna come home

and bitch to me they we're broke.

Like I haven't seen a $20 bill

since Johnson was the president."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Gould,
we're all out of back."

"Well, find somebody else.

I'm still angry."

I have a lot of respect for moms.

When my first wife and I divorced,

I didn't think I was
gonna date anybody again.

I was kinda like, "I'm done."

And then, you know, life intercedes.

And I ended up dating a woman

that I knew socially that
was in like my social group,

and we were both married and
then we were both divorced.

And at the time, I had three daughters,

and she at that time had
two-year-old triplets.

And that's why I say that

because that's always the response.

I go all over the country, Europe,

never once, aw.

Every time, .

"Ah, what's your girlfriend like?"

Oh she's great.

She's in that religion
where they speak in tongues

and dance around with a poisonous snake.

"Oh yeah, I've seen that.

That's fascinating, yeah."

And she has triplets.

"What are you, fuckin' nuts?

Get the hell out of there."

The only reason I bring it up

is I had never changed
a boy's diaper before.

And I don't know if any of you

have ever changed a boy's diaper

or have seen an elephant
bathe itself in a river.

Same principle.

And that's the difference
between having kids

and not having kids.

It was like, oh, I have pee in my hair.

And not, call 911!

It's pee, it's pee!

So I turn around to get a napkin.

My back is turned for
about 1/8 of a second.

I know, I've done this before, you know.

So I turn around, and
by the time I turn back,

he is bragging his junk.

And I don't mean like pocket pool waiting

for your taxi or Lyft.

Like Hercules trying to
tear the skin off a serpent.

I literally went involuntarily .

Did a full curly.

Honey, the baby's trying
to pull his cock off.

I don't know how you want me to play this.

And I had to say something

because I didn't want her to come in

and find me fighting with
her son over his penis.

Hey, no, hey, hey.

I can explain.

He wanted to touch it.

It's a good thing I was here.

But he had no shame.

I just think about how I was raised,

you know, Irish Catholic,
Massachusetts, shame.

Any bodily function, shame.

What is the percentage
of people in this country

who chronically masturbate?

Like who have a problem, it
interferes with their life.

120, 130%.

Half of those people
believe in guardian angels.

Half the country believes
in guardian angels.

Half the country believes
there's a tiny invisible woman

in a nightgown floating above your head,

and she's there to help
you find your keys.

My mom's one of those people.

"Sweetheart, you have a guardian angel,

and she's always with you."

I know.

I feel so bad for that woman.

The shit she has sat through.

"Oh Dana, what are you
looking at on the computer?

Oh no, not again.

Think of the time you waste.

You could have learned a language.

Could have learned all the languages.

She has too many friends."

So there's a store here

in Los Angeles called The Pleasure Chest.

It's up on Santa Monica
Boulevard in West Hollywood.

And it's a lovely little place.

It's an adult novelty store.

A dildorium, if you will.

And they have a comedy night there

because, of course, they do.

And they called me up,

and they said, "Do you wanna do the show?"

And I go, "Sure, yeah, I'll come down.

I'd love to."

And I did, you know, I like...

The first thing that strikes me

when I went into The Pleasure Chest

was the toys don't look
like what you would think

they would look like.

They're not anatomical at all.

They used to be.

Now they're just like
bright orange curly cues

and lime green twisty shapes.

It looked like replacement limbs

for an all-Muppet veterans hospital.

My question is who shops at that store?

Doesn't everybody have the internet?

I mean, again, it could be me.

I'm from a very repressed upbringing,

but I honestly could not just
walk in that store like, huh?

Hmm, hmm.

With a list.

Oh yeah, huh.

Hey, are these gluten-free, you know?

They're anal beads.

I don't know.

Which are a thing.

Anal beads

are a thing

that we, as a people,

design, mass produce,

market, and sell.

The American experiment is not over.

There is still life in the old girl yet.

Look at the competition.

Russia, ha!

Russia's not even a country.

It's a gas station with an army.

Russia only does two things.

It supplies the Eastern
Bloc with the raw material

for fossil fuels

and occasionally chooses
the American president.

But that's all Russia does.

What does China really do?

It steals our intellectual property

and sells it back to us at
a vastly inflated price,

and occasionally allows, you know,

assholes like me

to have a family.

But here in America, we innovate.

We put a man on the moon.

We invented the computer chip.

We have anal beads.

Especially made beads

just for

your anal.

We didn't steal the idea
from another country

and sell it back at an inflated price.

An American shot out of bed
in the middle of the night

and thought, "Golly,

I wish there was a necklace so big,

it felt great being
yanked out of my asshole."

Nobody touched this equation.

Three in the morning, Matt Damon comes in.

There are two jobs in America

with debilitating levels of stress.

Air traffic controller.

And the person that ties
the knot on that last bead.

Because what you really don't want,

go, .

Don't panic.

I made chili.

I'm a lot more positive than people think.

And I really did try to change my outlook

on life a couple years ago.

And you know what really
was the motivating factor?

And I'm not kidding, the
Mr. Rogers documentary.

Did anyone see that?

It's called "Won't You Be My Neighbor?"

Yeah, it's unbelievable.

The whole premise of the documentary

is he's really Mr. Rogers.

You know, like he was a
tubby kid and he got bullied,

but he didn't let it destroy him.

And he grew up and he had problems,

but he worked through
them, and he got married,

and he loved his wife and he had kids,

and he loved his kids.

And he was famous all of his life,

and he didn't rape anybody.

And we don't know how that happened.

We can't figure it out.

The most moving part of the film

is he goes to visit Koko the gorilla.

I don't know if you're familiar,

Koko the gorilla

was this hyper-intelligent
silverback mountain gorilla,

who lived in Northern California.

And she could speak in sign language.

She had a kitten, a domesticated
pet, which was unheard of

for a silverback mountain gorilla.

And she loved watching
"Mister Rogers' Neighborhood"

in her enclosure.

So they arranged for Fred
Rogers to come and visit her.

So Fred Rogers comes in and he sits down,

and then, this is all in the film.

And then Koko comes around the corner.

and Koko is the size of a minivan.

She's a silverback mountain gorilla.

And she comes out and
she sits down at his feet

and then very gingerly,
slips off his shoes

because that's what she
saw him do on television.

He would come and sit down
and take off his shoes

and put on his tennis shoes.

And then she signed, I love you.

Then she broke his jaw.

Chew his hands.

A terrible day in the neighborhood.

The end. Thank you very much.

See you next time.

Oh my Lord.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you.