All language subtitles for Family Guy s24e12 Lower GI Joe

It seems today that all you see is
violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned
values on which we used to rely?

Laugh and cry.

My apologies, Mr. Griffin. Dr.

Hartman is still with a patient and
definitely not playing rock band through

paper -thin walls of his office right
now.

Well, I'm here to remind you of the
mess.

Watch out for the plug! Watch out for
the plug! Oh, you dope.

Sorry, I was with a very sick patient.

You're still wearing the guitar.

Oops, my bad. Let's keep that off the
Yelp, huh?

So you're here for a physical. I'll
start with a few questions. How many

would you say you have per week? Four.
Oh. Hundred. Oh.

Fifty. Okay, you need to talk faster.
Now, I'm going to show you a list of the

top ten songs on Spotify. Tell me how
many of these artists or songs you

recognize. Nine.

Oh, wait, I know her.

Dua, Dua, Duolingo. Not sure we can
accept that. Let's go to the Gen Z judge

who's always sad about stuff he just saw
on social media.

Do you even realize how much water it
takes to grow a single almond?

Well, he's busy being sad about almonds.
However, I can say that given your age

and embarrassing lack of pop culture
knowledge, it's time I schedule you for

your first colonoscopy. What the hell is
that?

Here's a video of a plumber from Southie
describing the whole thing.

So they snake this freaking camera in
your caboose. Look, I know it sounds

but it ain't. It's a real medical
procedure.

It's not gay.

You ever had one?

Nah, what am I, gay?

What's all that stuff?

Oh, just some fawns. We're going on a
field trip to the animal shelter and I

need Mom to chaperone. You need a
chaperone for a trip to the animal

you're not asking me?

Why? So you can taunt all the German
shepherds behind bars?

I wouldn't do that.

Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging?

Damn. Look, all I'm saying is I could
provide hope to those dogs in there

given up by telling them my story.

A story of inspiration.

A story of will. A story of triumph.

You were picked up on the side of the
road like a runaway hooker. A story of

doing hand stuff for drugs.

I've been putting off my colonoscopy for
months now.

Yep, my barber said I'm overdue for
mine.

You mean your doctor?

Nope, barber.

Black guys get their medical advice from
their barbers and their haircut advice

from their doctors.

We're all just one guy off.

Boy, what happened to the days when men
just ignored months of bloody toilet

water and slowly withered away to die a
costly and unnecessary death?

You know, maybe the reason we've been
putting this off is because deep down

we're scared. And maybe we'll feel
better if we just talk about what we're

scared of. All right, I'll go first.

I'm mostly scared of someone seeing my
gigantic butt and tiny wiener. That's

what I'm scared of, too.

What if there was a way to make the
colonoscopy process less scary?

Like... What if we rented a cabin and
did the prep night together so we could

there to support one another?

That would make it easier.

I'd do it. I'd be into that. Great.
Cleveland?

Yeah, Devante said it's cool. I'm
assuming Devante is your... Devante is

barber, yes.

Hi kids, I'm Sophie.

Welcome to the animal shelter where the
pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is

always one to one. So let's meet... Hi
Sophie, Brian Griffin, dog who's also

pretty much a guy. I'll take it from
here. Fellow canines, my name is Brian

Griffin. And before I tell you my story,
I want to hear yours.

Now, how many of you were returned by
Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?

Well, I'm here to say that no matter how
pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan is

making you all look in those
commercials, there is hope. And I am

of that. Everyone moved on to the cat
section three seconds into whatever that

was. Wait, they have cats here? Oh, I
will not be around cats.

It's an animal shelter. They've got
everything.

They even have Diddy's Pit Bull.

Just let me outside. I'll play in the
yard. I won't look. I won't tell nobody

nothing.

Come on, Brian. Even you have to admit
these guys are pretty cute. Oh, cats are

terrible, selfish creatures.

I mean, who poops inside?

Oh, my God, get her off! Get her off!
Get her off!

Huh.

I guess that is kind of cute.

You know, maybe I was wrong about cats.

Okay, kids, it's time to see where we
keep all the Rob Schneiders.

Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a
Rob Schneider until they get one home.

Come on, Brian, we gotta go.

All right, let me just take this guy off
my... What are you

doing? You're going to kill him! Drop
it! Drop it now!

What happened? I blacked out.

You killed a kitten, you monster!

I told you it was a bad idea for me to
be in here, and we're going to be in so

much trouble!

All right, listen, we can't just leave
the dead kitten in here. Okay, let me

think. Well, there's got to be a
dumpster out back. We could just put it

there. I don't think we have another
choice.

You could always cover yourself in
drugged baby oil and wake up back at

I thought you said you were going to
keep your mouth shut.

Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow
morning, so I'm going to go mix up some

tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.

I made a killer diarrhea playlist.

Boy, you guys are going to lose it when
we're five hours in and Natalie

Imbruglia's porn comes on.

You got Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out on
there?

This isn't my first diarrhea playlist,
okay, pal?

Gentlemen, say hello to my signature
colonoscopy prep cocktails.

Joe, here's your bum and coke. Peter,
you get a piña colonada. And Cleveland

gets a gin and deuce.

Laid back.

Yeah, I made myself a coiler maker.

Bottoms up. And then in 45 minutes,
bottoms very much down.

Now, I assume that a single -room cabin
in the woods has four bathrooms?

Well, technically, it has one three
-quarter bath.

So there's not even a tub? I call the
shower. Why wouldn't you call the toilet

first? I don't have time to argue with
you. I'll be in the shower. I call the

toilet. I'm bagged and ready to go 24
-7. Fine, I'll figure it out.

Whose blue luggage is this?

Peter, no, that's my Away brand luggage.

I get compliments on that.

You guys look high as balls.

Anyway, time for your results.

Mr. Quagmire, Mrs. Swanson, and Mr.
Brown, you're all clear.

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found
something quite large.

Was it my penis?

It was definitely not your penis,
although your butt is gigantic.

What we found was this.

Oh, my God! My childhood G .I. Joe!

That was inside his colon?

Yep, I'm afraid this soldier was
literally left behind.

Not to be that guy, but this Joe came
with a pair of binoculars.

He was kind of like the Scout.

Did you happen to see anything like
that? Oh, never mind. I think they just

out of the mess hall.

Peter, how did that little guy even get
in your colon?

I was a kid. If you squish anything into
Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.

You ate a G .I. Joe?

Oh, are we going to play this game,
Quagmire? Are we going to play the How

Objects Get Inside of You game?

Withdrawn. Um, I just looked up vintage
1980s G .I. Joe Scout with binoculars,

and it says it's worth $100 ,000.

What? Wow.

Let me see that.

Holy crap, it does say that.

Wait, I'm in your phone as white number
three?

What am I listed as in your phone?

Withdrawn.

I still can't believe I snapped and
killed that kitten. You don't think that

shelter has cameras, do you? There was
one water bowl for 40 dogs. I don't

they have money for cameras.

Well, as long as neither of us talks, I
guess we'll be fine. Yes, as long as I

don't talk, we'll be fine. What's that
supposed to mean? I'm just saying my

silence comes at a price. And that price
is the cost of an annual membership at

the Soho House Malibu.

What? That's the most expensive Soho
House.

Fine. Then I want front row seats to
Paris Fashion Week. And I refuse to sit

next to any of the Hadids.

I will get you a sticker book of Bluey.

You, sir, have my silence.

Peter, would you mind moving that thing
from your butt away from the onion rings

we're all eating? Sorry.

So, what do you guys think I should do
with the hundred grand I'll make from

selling this thing? What do you mean?
We're splitting it. Yeah, we each get a

share of that.

I never said I'd split it. He was inside
me. I was the one who spent decades

carrying him to term. You wouldn't even
have gotten the colonoscopy if it wasn't

for us. I'm not giving you guys my
money.

We can't let him get away with this. I
agree with white number two.

Hey, check it out. Mayor West is doing
press conferences on TikTok now.

Howdy, TikTok.

I'm Mayor Wild West, here today with a
hat over my heart press conference.

See, my sweet feline companion, Meower
West, has gone missing.

I was contacted by the shelter and told
he had wandered into their facility, but

when I went to pick him up, he was gone,
possibly kidnapped.

Well, when I find out who took him, I
will personally pursue the harshest

punishment allowed by law.

Thank you, TikTok. Now, enjoy the
vicious comments on the post of an

girl who's clearly struggling.

So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked.

Oh, my God. I killed Mayor Wild West's
cat.

Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad. You've
got to get out of town.

Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can
leave at a moment's notice.

Here, you take it.

What's this?

That's a European adapter for my corn
air hair dryer.

I think you're going to need that. Four
pairs of boots?

I don't know who's going to see me
twice.

You know, I can't believe you would let
something like a toy get in the way of

your friendship with the guys, Peter.

So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two
years after she got the same haircut as

you. Well, that's different. Bonnie's a
bitch.

I'm just saying, think of all the great
times you've had with the guys. And

you're going to give it up for what?

40, 50 bucks?

50 bucks?

Lois, this thing's worth $100 ,000.

Wow, Dad's right.

I just Googled it. What? Let me see
that.

Oh, my God, Peter.

We're going to be rich.

Okay, forget everything I just said.
Screw those guys. Your butt stuff

to us.

I get it.

Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin? Yeah.

You've been served.

Those bastards are actually suing me for
the ass share at a G .I. Joe.

Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?

Yes. I'm here to serve you. Wait, I just
served him.

Get out of here. You're lying.

No, I swear to God, sir. What did I just
do? He served me. Hey, I'm just going

to go out on a limb here, but are you
ambisexual?

I am. Would you like to have a drink and
see if we can rub our way to a little

gene smoke?

Love to.

I guess it's true what they say.

Every pot has a lid.

Boy, they fogged up that Altima real
quick.

Mom, what's going on?

Your father got a letter saying his
friends are taking him to court.

Yeah, I read that letter. They're taking
him to arbitration, not court.

What? Really? Yeah, and if you need
representation, I'm happy to offer my

services. I've spent months studying
anal salvage law.

Ew. You have?

It started out as a fun personal
project, but then I kind of fell down an

internet rabbit hole.

But this whole thing only happened a
couple of days ago.

Well, that's what we would call a happy
coincidence now, isn't it?

Okay, Stewie, run me through the plan
one more time.

All right, well, no one has more cats in
town than the librarian, so there's a

very good chance she'll have a Meow West
look -alike inside.

So I'll distract her here at the front
door. You sneak in through the back and

find us a replacement cat. I don't know.
Me in another room full of cats seems

risky. Oh, that's the risky part? Not
the high -wire improvisational act I'm

about to pull off with the librarian.

No, I suppose that's the easy part,
right? Do I need to remind you I'm on

improv theater's house team, Brian?

We had to kick Brad off, by the way. He
did the Chinese voice on stage again.

Whatever. I just want this whole thing
to be over already.

Hello, I'm an online dating expert, and
I'm giving one lucky person a free

Bumble profile makeover. May I ask how
your dating life is going?

Oh, let's just say my dating life's
quieter than the place I work.

I work in a library.

No, yeah, I'm aware. Let's have a look
at your profile, shall we? Oh, sure. Let

me just log in.

All right, here you go.

All right, we'll start with your photos.
We'll lose this one of you pointing at

a grand opening banner at a Jersey
Mike's. We'll also lose this one of you

with your mother in her hospice bed.
Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to

yard.

Oh, this one of you at the beach is
decent. I mean, we'd have to airbrush

the knee dimples, but this could work.
Let me see if I... Ah, knee dimples be

gone.

Oh, a match.

What? Let me see that.

A Jewish urologist? Oh, I love that for
you. Let's look at his profile.

Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus, on a
public bus.

Let's, um...

Let's keep looking here.

And I quote, we are all in this together
no matter what. That is why my class

deserves a share of the profit, your
honor.

Thank you, Mr. Baker. Okay, we'll now
hear from Mr.

Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin,
who prepared for this by binge

-watching Suits and then Googling Meghan
Markle and then Googling Meghan Markle

deepfakes. Thank you, your boner.

If I may direct your attention to
exhibits B through M, all items removed

my father's anus in only the last 24
hours.

Do Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire
also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra

key fob? Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson,
and Quagmire feel justified taking home

this highlighter cap?

I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson,
and Quagmire are nothing more than

unprincipled opportunists. Poop
swoopers, as it were.

I've heard more than enough. Case over.

Over? Who won?

I don't know. Him.

In your face!

You gotta be kidding me! No, that's not
fair.

Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.

Excuse me. I'll work for Christie's
Auction House, and we'd love to fetch

top dollar for that G .I. Joe.

Wow, the Christie's Auction House?

No, it's actually Chris Christie's
Auction House.

We specialize in items that were
swallowed by fat guys.

We actually have an auction tomorrow, we
could add you to. Get there early,

though. We're starting with movie props
swallowed by James Spader.

Oh, James Spader is so handsome.

Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s, he
very much was.

All right, Stewie, this is it. We open
the cage, let the new meower West in,

we're out of here.

God damn it!

Oh,

Mayor West, good news. I think we found
your missing cat.

It may have had a heart attack from the
excitement of this reunion.

Well, I only have one question. If
that's my cat, who's sitting over there

couch?

Well, Brian, I think the only thing to
do now is... Go bag!

I don't understand, but how... A short
-haired tattooed woman from the shelter

found him in a dumpster left for dead.

Said she saw a dog and a little fella
putting him in there.

I'm so sorry, Mayor West. I acted on
instinct. I'm just glad he's not dead.

I teach all my cats to play possum. And
I teach all my possums to play horse.

And I teach all my horses to play cat.

Circle of life.

Did you teach that one, too? He may have
seen my online course. I don't know.

Now, for your punishment.

Oh, no. I hate measured consequences to
my actions.

Six bad boys with very bad boys
sprinkled in to taste.

Six? That's a death sentence.

Bad boy.

Ow! Bad boy. I can't breathe.

Very bad boy.

That's worse.

Bad boy. I'm low to the ground. Bad boy.

I can't get any lower. Very bad boy.

Oh, the shame.

800. Do I hear 900 for the beard Kevin
Smith sleep ate off his own face?

Going once, going twice.

Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith, who used
to be fat and now looks like he was

shrunken by a witch's spell.

Next on the auction block, a vintage
Scout GI Joe with binoculars removed

the colon of Peter Griffin.

This is it, Peter.

Yeah, we're gonna be rich.

We'll start the bidding at $75 ,000.

75. 75. Do I hear 80? 80. It's
happening, Peter.

80 ,000. We can get Meg one year at
Sarah Lawrence excluding the food

90 ,000. 90. Do I hear 100?

100 ,000.

I'm cold and I am famed for lying naked
on the floor.

$100 ,000 going once, going twice. Stop
the auction.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

What is he doing?

Saving three friendships.

My name is Peter Griffin, and I've
realized that no amount of money is

more than great friendships.

I guess what I'm saying is, life isn't
about the contents of your butt.

It's about the contents of your heart.

I love you guys.

I'm sorry, Lois. No, I'm the one who's
sorry.

No amount of money can buy the kind of
friendship you guys have. Although, you

could have just taken the money and
split it four ways. But you made the

decision, Peter, and I'm proud of you.

But this story had an even happier
ending, because 39 years later, the guys

all dead, and I pooped that Joe out
again, and I became the oldest freshman

Sarah Lawrence College.

Lois gave me a hall pass, but I failed
to achieve arousal when a maybe woman

touched my slacks.

I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin
our friendship, Peter. We won't make the

same mistake next time.

Yeah, we're due for our next
colonoscopies in five years. Maybe we

that same cabin.

Yeah, not sure that's gonna be possible.

That guy was pretty mad. Made me send my
own cleaning lady.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

How's no good?