Original subtitles

Thank you.

That's what it's like.

Well, what do I do?

Hello, San Francisco, and welcome to another edition of Tech Law.

Well, crypto fans, today's the day we've all been waiting for.

CryptoCon is finally here, and what a lineup we have this year.

Our city's very own Brandon Brandon will be giving his keynote speech on his

latest crypto triumph.

I mean, this guy's track record is mind -blowing.

I've never seen anyone work blockchains the way he does. Pure genius.

Mike, what insights can we expect to hear from this crypto legend that has

the tech world by storm?

It's so great to be here, Jen.

I think what we'll hear a lot about is Brendan's origin story into crypto and

where the market is headed.

As we all know, screenbacks and pay shards have made huge gains for him

recently, and he even hyped up a coin called Scratch.

That's right, it's a crypto for cats.

How does that even work?

He's also releasing a new biographical audio book called Brendan Brandon All

I heard there's two chapters alone dedicated to the mind -peaking benefits

drinking vegan water.

Vegan water?

Apparently they train the single -cell organisms out and release them back into

the ocean.

I'm also hearing whispers of a new crypto coin hitting the market, so stay

to find out what this hot coin is and how to get a piece of the action.

Well, I can't wait to hear this inside info. I caught up with Brendan Brandon

recently, and he literally contemplated for over an hour what color Lambo to

get. What do you even say to that?

So what did he decide?

He's still tossing up between lime green and bright orange.

Life can be so tough sometimes, Jen.

Anyway, you can get all the info on our site on TechBlaw and stay up to date

with our live 24 crypto feed.

Huh? What?

Ah, my name is Harry Jones. I'm a solicitor here in Cobweb, which, in case

did not know, is a lovely little town on the eastern seaboard of Australia.

Uh, no, I did not know that.

I represent the estate of your late Uncle Mitch.

My late Uncle who?

Mitch, on your mother's side. A glorious example of a human being.

I've been missing long enough to be considered legally dead.

Wait, is he actually dead or just legally dead?

And thus, his estate passes to you. It's a charming macadamia nut farm, although

I have to warn you. Sorry, Harry. I gotta go, man.

I'm kinda busy right now.

Hello?

Well,

we're getting word that things are about to kick off, so let's cross live to the

man of the moment.

His blog, BeCrypto, has over 50 ,000 followers and growing. Please welcome

the first time ever at CryptoCon, Mr. Brandon Brendan.

Thank you.

Friends, today I declare to you that hard work is dead.

So what killed hard work?

With DigiDo, I've never felt more confident about my future.

I could stare at the Digido live graph all day, and I often do.

Did you know that Digido can process, get to 16 smart contracts per second?

What? Have you ever tried even counting to 16 in one second?

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Too much hard work anyway.

But by understanding cryptocurrency, you can open the door to an elevated,

work -free existence.

Start living the life most people only dream of.

Do the truly important things that you never have time for.

Meditate on a mountaintop and experience purity of thought.

Conquer new challenges.

Make the most out of every moment.

Don't let hard work get in the way.

Cryptocurrency, and specifically Digito, is like the Golden Gate Bridge to your

best life.

And it's toll -free.

So, what are you waiting for? Start living that elevated existence today.

Harry. Hey, this is Nut Farm.

I can live there for free, right? Go for a walk, look at some local bird life

while you and I arrange the sale?

Well, sure, yes, if you like.

Not exactly.

Great. This will get me back on my crypto feed in no time.

Australia's not that far away, is it?

One G?

Bugger me!

A real -life American!

Oh, I see you have complimentary vinegar.

Oh, I keep that in case a car ends.

So then, what's your big plan out here? Sell that old farm and use the proceeds

to kickstart my investments.

As long as you don't sell to that complete arsehat, Lauren Clegg.

Who? What?

Gas consumption has been up, but our initial readings were a bit inaccurate.

How much is a bet, Iris?

We've only got a week or so left in our reserve.

A week or so.

sacred, scented steam of Rotorua.

If these sun -blasted moron farmers had just accepted the easy gas money when I

gave them the opportunity, we wouldn't be stuck in this dusty, snake -infested

hellhole. Yes, boss, but what should I... Find me some more, for God's sake.

I care neither how nor from whence it comes.

Boss Mondo.

Now, our canary's still sort of okay, but I've found a dead duck in tunnel

Finally some good news.

See, look at that. That'll make a wonderful housewarming gift for our new

American neighbor. And you'd better stop with the happy singing.

It reminds me of my childhood.

At least your uncle Mitch had the sense not to do what I did and fall for his

easy money sales pitch.

Speaking of Mitch, any idea what happened to him?

Some say it was drop dead.

I thought that's what you guys told tourists to scare them.

No.

That's what we made up to keep tourists coming.

Kangaroos, on the other hand, completely imaginary.

You must be Mitch's nephew.

Take a seat.

Can I get you a drink?

Oh, no. My body's still in three different time zones.

Got to be lunch in one of them.

This name of yours, Brendan Brandon, it must confuse people sometimes.

Not that I'm aware of.

Very well.

Mr. Brendan.

It's Brandon.

Pardon me, Brandon.

Mr. Brandon.

You said Brendan. But listen, just call me Brendan.

Brendan. Yeah, yeah.

So, we just need to go over a few simple things in Mitch's will. What sort of

lawyer are you, anyway?

A damn fine one. You can ask anyone in the town.

Except maybe that other dipshit, Zoran Clegg. If his fracking

chemicals had got into the aquifer, he would have poisoned the whole region.

I bet.

I have an underthink aquifer.

So, this is an interesting will.

Mitch's farm is yours by right.

Free and clear, no strings attached.

Great. And what's the local property market? As long as you bring in a

of macadamia nuts, not less than 20 tons by season's end.

Wait, what?

It's a caveat, most unusual. It's a bit of a twist in the tail,

as it were.

So I can't just sell it.

Why would Mitch do this to me?

I suppose he feared leaving his legacy to a foreign relative who might just try

and sell it for a quick buck and who just couldn't give a flying... What

if I don't make the quota?

Next in the bloodline is your awful cousin, Craig.

He gets it.

Terrible human. He once came to our Christmas lunch with an empty esky.

Mitch just should have left some eggs for me to suck.

Mitch was a decent and well -mannered man.

All right, I didn't mean any offense.

This has all been very traumatic for me.

You see, the day he went missing, Mitch and I were supposed to celebrate our

third anniversary.

Oh, I didn't know you two were married, son.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Married? God, no. I'm told to make that mistake again. No, we were just dating,

you know, early days.

Well, I'm sure it's not easy.

Is there any clues what happened to him? This is a big country.

Sadly, people have a way of just going missing.

Well, I never met Mitch, so I can only imagine how much he must hate this other

guy if he's given me the farm. Look, I know that 20 tons sounds like a lot.

Yeah, it does.

But the farm is well set up.

It shouldn't be a problem for a strong young fellow like you. Most of my upper

body strength comes from scrolling.

Right. Anyway, our harvest should net $90 ,000.

U .S.? $30, I'm afraid.

Well, you're not giving me too many choices here, Harry.

I guess there's nothing for it.

It's time to man up.

And grow some nuts.

That's the spirit.

Also, I brought around Mitch's car for you.

It's just parked outside under a shady old tree.

A book with maps in it?

G7 Part 1.

Uh, nope.

Mitch's monster mix.

Now you're talking.

What the hell is this?

Uh,

no.

Alright.

I'm a nut farmer, look out!

I'm going to farm some nuts! I'm a nut farmer!

Sorry.

Uh

-oh.

Wait, I haven't seen that before.

It all looks the same.

All so goddamn green!

It's all green!

Screw you, stupid map book.

I

know

I'm there.

Ah, Jim!

Harry said you'd be here hours ago.

I accidentally drove to page 62.

Okay, can we move this along, please? I've got a kid back home.

God knows what he's up to.

Sorry, who are you again?

Kim.

I've been taking care of the place while no one's been around.

You can help pick up the slack now.

I'm sorry about old Mitch, by the way.

Oh, no, that's okay. I mean, the truth is we had more of a didn't really give

him much thought until he was dead type of relationship.

Right. He was a nice old guy, even if he did have a few strange ideas.

Yeah, I mean, is there any idea really what happened to him?

Not around here.

That could be anything.

Ravid wombats, flash floods.

I hope the local serial killer didn't get him.

There you go.

Got all the modern amenities.

Indoor toilet, you name it.

I'd show you around, but I reckon you've got yourself thought it out. See you

later.

Um, about... about that serial killer.

Wow.

That's a lot of land.

That's right.

These extra loads are really pushing the town's power circuits.

You know what they say. You have to steal power to gain power.

If we keep piggybacking off Godweb's supply, the locals may grow suspicious.

Who cares about them?

They're foolish. They wouldn't know they're arseless chaps from an elbow

You know, we could put some solar panels up top to keep our lights on. Iris, no.

Tell me you don't believe that hippie nonsense.

It's completely unreliable.

So the biggest nut on this farm was you, huh?

Man, this guy was really into dead fish.

What are you looking at?

Long entry -level outdoor fire pits ability.

You too, Bench.

Quit that act, though.

That smell.

Oh, God.

Oh, Nick.

You sweaty -headed bastard.

Ah, gross.

Woo!

Ah.

Oh, boy.

Farming is hard work.

I got this.

You get a good look at me nuts?

What? No.

Why not?

Well, I'm best in show last three years running.

Oh, you're a macadamia farmer.

Alto. As well as me.

Mama Dee's the name.

Proud owner of Dee's Nuts.

Jeez, that's terrible business about your uncle, Mitch.

Yeah. I hope they don't take anyone else.

Hi, Dee.

Oh, hey. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for being a bit snappy last night.

Oh. You know, with running the cattle and my boy Carl and, you know, the

regeneration committee, I get a bit afraid.

Did you settle in okay?

Yeah, sure.

Apart from a run -in with an eight -legged dog that can climb walls.

Oh, that'd be Philip.

I didn't get close enough to read his collar.

No, he's your house spider.

Yeah, don't worry about him. He's probably just popping up to say hello.

Yeah, he bites no worse than a, would you say, a death adder?

Anyway, I forgot to give you this. Yeah, you can use that for farm expenses. You

know, old places like this, they're pretty costly to run. Awesome.

Now, does a foot sauna count as a farm expense?

See, Mitch used to get his foot sweat for free from hard work.

But, you know, it's up to you. Oh, OK. Well, thank you.

Anyway, good work talking to this one. Dee's going to really help you get a

grip on your nuts.

Yeah, well, I suppose I could use a little help.

How long have you been farming?

About two hours, if you count the shower.

Oh, dear.

Anyway, it looks like you two have a lot to talk about, so I'd better get back

to it.

See you later.

Bye. J .D.

Kim's husband.

What's the deal?

Sounds like he's not a lot of help, huh?

No, he ran off ages ago after he embezzled all the money she raised for a

relief fund.

Good thing he's dead now, though.

The first thing we need to do is get you a proper pair of boots.

Can't have you walking around in those snake invitations.

Come on.

Yeah, this place is actually pretty beautiful.

You bet.

Some of these trees will become your best friends.

Oh, really? Then I suppose I should name them, huh?

Each tree should yield you about 15 kilograms of nuts per season.

So it's... Bart Zuckerberg.

And you, I shall call Vincent Van Grow.

Whoa.

I'm getting a real jazzy feel from you.

Welcome to the family, Nutshella Fitzgerald.

Anyway, it's looking pretty dry, so to make 20 ton, you're going to need to

water regularly.

Now, your trees are looking pretty overgrown, so you're going to have to do

pruning.

Pruning?

Come on.

No, I'm not.

Hello, you.

I would much prefer if that farm was empty.

Get rid of one problem and another rises in its place.

It seems pretty harmless to me.

Oh, why can't they all crap in one centralised location?

Iris, that's revolting.

We've got cow shit all over your face.

Now, I'm not a betting man, but I'll bet you didn't know macadamia trees are

native to Australia.

No, I didn't know that. I thought they were from Hawaii. No.

No, that's horse shit. Actually, I think it's some bullshit. I'm sick of this

shit.

Well, the last thing we need is some Yankee Doodle.

Douchebag. On to us, all right? So when you do the testing, make sure it's when

he's not around.

Okay?

Clean your face off. It's revolting.

This nuts order is shared between the two farms. It's where we come to empty

nutsacks.

Sorry? Oh, it's pretty simple. We empty our nutsacks into this machine.

Together?

Sure, if you like.

So you and I stand here together, two grown men, and empty our nutsacks into

this machine?

Well, unless our loads are too big. In which case, we help each other empty our

nutsacks. That goes without saying, man.

Well... I mean, it seems pretty simple. The nuts grow, they drop. This machine

gets them ready for market. Sure.

As long as your nuts don't get frost damaged, flooded, rot, burnt in a

drought, mold, attacked by pests or... Sometimes, your nuts are just

disappointingly small.

Yeah. So, like I said, real easy.

Hello, small child from every horror movie I've ever seen I hope you don't

that I decided to let myself in No, it's fine, I love no privacy My mother

wanted you to have this Your mother?

Kim

Your mom sent this?

Yep. The only single woman in a 50K radius.

Oh, come on.

There's got to be at least a couple single women within 50 ,000 miles.

I meant kilometers.

But that would be like three feet.

Or a kilometer is a big one.

God.

I always confuse kilometers with milometers.

G'day, mate.

You must be the new bloke in town.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm Darren.

Call me Dazza. Oh, okay. I'm Brendan. But you can call me Brenda.

Sorry.

Had to run Harry home to sleep at all. Don't think he'll be billing anybody

afternoon. It's me.

This is Brenda.

So, you work here too? Go wherever the pay is, love. Get your drink.

We got Joseph Brew, double taste that bastard on tap. I'm afraid I'm out of

Kelly's piss.

Well, actually, I just popped in to find out if there's a general store around

because I need basic supplies.

Of course there is, love.

You're standing in the middle of it. Mate, this is Cobweb CDB, mate.

Central Dizness District?

Country dual business, love.

You get them in rural areas, so the post office is also the cop shop.

The public pool doubles as the crocodile shelter, that kind of thing.

Do you have soaked granola?

Well, I could probably run a packet of cornflakes under the tap for you.

What about mouthwash?

Blistering bushfires.

How's it going here?

I hope those fridges haven't been off for long.

Greetings. Here's me.

Saucy old duck.

I'll take your milk, your yoghurt and all of your cheese.

Please. You're not cleaning us out like you did last time, Lauren.

I'm putting a limit on you. Please do. Just limit me to all the fresh ones that

are still under four degrees.

So, big on the dairy, huh?

Yes.

I require more than the average person. I'm what's known as lactose inadequate.

Are you sure that's a thing?

Oh, I know who you are.

You're none other than old Mitch's know -nothing nephew from America.

Well, I do know a few things, buddy.

50 ,000 people used to follow my crypto blog.

That's so interesting.

Did they follow you all the way down here?

I believe we're almost neighbors.

You're nobody's neighbor, Zoran.

That's physically impossible.

Best be on your bite, Zoran.

You stupid shitbird.

Very well, Dazza.

Now, see everyone hard at work?

Don't worry.

It'll all be all right in the end.

And if not, it'll just drag on.

Seemingly never end.

What an arsehat.

Now this is either mouthwash or drain cleaner.

Might be a good idea to test it. If your drains smell good enough to kiss, it's

probably mouthwash.

Great. Thank you.

Oi, you guys!

How'd you spread them? What the hell?

I didn't...

I didn't do anything.

You're American, aren't you? Yeah, but that's not a crime, is it?

Just trying to make you feel at home.

I'm fine, thanks.

At least I was.

Just trying to be nice.

Sergeant Blake, Cobweb Homicide slash Postal Division.

Homicide? Slash Postal.

What do you know about today's disappearance of Strawberry John?

Strawberry who?

Strawberry John.

Farmer who lives near your place. Yeah, I wonder what he grows.

Avocados. Well, he used to grow strawberries, but he hated the nickname.

Enough talking about farming.

When did you last see him?

I've never seen him, ever.

Sounds suspicious.

How do you even know where I live?

It's my job to know things.

Oh, is it?

Then maybe you know what happened to my Uncle Mitch?

All right, drop the tone.

Considering you inherited his farm, maybe I should be asking where you were.

When he disappeared.

I was in San Francisco.

And what were you doing in San Francisco?

Well, let's see. I was really busy not even knowing he existed.

Guess that counts you out then. This is ridiculous. Can I go now?

Yeah.

But I'm watching you.

So don't leave town, eh?

Yeah, if only I could.

Enjoy your milk.

Our farmers are the best.

Why is everything so difficult in the back half of this country? Sir?

What?

I'm afraid we've just squeezed the last gas out from under Edmonds Lake. My

place. I bought it. It's my place. So I'm the one with the massive gas

This is a bloody disaster.

We dig a tunnel all the way from the motherland, we put in a secret gas

pipeline, and now you're telling me we don't have enough gas to squeeze through

it. What's the latest test results say?

Some below D, but...

The real reserves are under Old Metz's nut farm.

Biggest I've ever seen.

Really?

Well, then, focus in that direction. Forget about the rock shelf. We go fast

close to the surface.

Not too close, boss, or we'll risk another cave -in. That last one took a

effort to clean up.

That strawberry guy was so difficult to work with.

Look, once we get above Mitch's reserves, we go vertical, delve deep

bowels of the earth, spill some chemical into that beloved aquifer they all bang

on about.

Iris, it is time to frack the moor of this stupid island

and keep our beloved New Zealand powered, pristine and green.

What about the nut farm's new occupant? The greatest American, Ding Dong.

Nah, he's so stupid he wouldn't even be able to tie his own shoes together.

Iris, get digging.

Yeah,

I think this has probably got a staple cord.

All pumped and ready for some first -time tractors.

Great work, Carl.

You know, you're a handy guy to know.

Hey there.

Hi.

Brendan, look.

It's much still attractive for her aged mother.

I'm sorry. I don't know where he picks these things up from. Well, he's not

wrong.

Well,

anyway, thanks for letting me borrow young Carl here, Miss.

I had to get my tractor up and running so I can get out there and, you know, do

some shoveling.

Yeah, certainly sounds like something a farmer might say.

And that sounds like something another farmer might say about something a

might say.

That's two farmers saying stuff together.

Come on.

Oh, hey, Kim. Thanks for sending that gift basket over the other day with

You have beautiful handwriting.

Oh, yeah, of course. It would be rude to not properly welcome you to the

neighborhood. And I really enjoyed the bell pepper.

But if you're as sick of Mum's meals as I am... Excuse me, what was that?

We could all go out to the town's only restaurant.

All of us? Uh, no.

How about Thursday?

You've got nothing on Thursday, Mum. I already cleared your schedule.

Actually, I'm pretty sure Philip has plans on Thursday already, so I'm free

Thank you, my little angel.

Let's go home.

Carl?

Bye, Carl.

Hope you got plenty to eat today.

Good one, Philip.

You got me.

You eight -legged knucklehead.

of this music, you had to hide it.

Get out of it.

What's he talking about?

Um, shouldn't that cell door be locked?

No, no, he doesn't make it home from the pub all the time, so save some time and

get him a key.

Oh, okay.

Are you looking to post that somewhere today, sir?

No, but I think maybe Mitch found something that got him in trouble. One

I think the birds are up in that good.

No, that's not what I... All right, hang on. Let me find the red spot.

Here, I'm going to turn it up.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, Mitch has all kinds of different recordings. I mean, there's some really

crazy stuff in there. Yeah, well, he would. Mitch was a total conspiracy nut.

He was always coming in here complaining about stuff. One time he filed a

complaint about chemtrails. I said, if there's anything I can do about

chemtrails, they're controlled by aliens.

Maybe what happened to Mitch is the same thing that happened to Strawberry John.

Actually, glad you brought that up.

That has been solved, thanks to yours truly.

Look. Received these in the mail this morning.

Looks like Strawberry John's taken himself on a spontaneous little trip to

Zealand, so reckons he's having the time of his life.

That does look pretty fun.

Nice of him to send postcards.

It's so much nicer than an email.

Better than the dick pics he usually sends.

Such aspo.

This place is hotter than a volcano's arsehole.

Which bit is its arsehole?

The bit that's on top, of course.

Isn't that the face?

Volcanoes don't have faces.

I'll get a drink.

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

Brenda, how's it going?

Fine, life good? It's okay.

Esme, eat him up with a beer, eh? Look, I've got to go.

I'm so hungry I could eat the arse out of a low -flying duck.

Say, Esme, is there a mine nearby or something like that?

Nope. No mine round here, love.

Nice to see some fresh faces, but we haven't had any tourists round here

the mayor took down those giant dangling nuts on the way into town.

Hmm. Sorry, I missed that.

Oh.

Look who the sheep dragged in. If it isn't my favourite Australian.

This is the worst job ever, boss.

Jubbering on about shrunks on barbies and tucks on balls and adding completely

unnecessary vowels to the end of perfectly good words.

And thus, I'm absolutely sucked to death.

of getting about in this outfit that hasn't been washed in months.

Don't let the convict fashion get you down, Mr Dazza.

You're part of something far greater than yourself, and you're not paid to

complain.

Found these idiots topside. End in uniform.

Oh, come on, boss.

We've been down here forever.

We just need a little vitamin D.

Well, I'll give you a little vitamin kick up the ass if you don't get back to

work. Move.

Go, back to work.

Come on.

Now, tell me about our

new American neighbor.

Will he flee home before we start tunneling under his land, or do I have

him a little visit?

What was the question?

I was asking if I had to pay him a little visit.

Sorry, I've zoned out for a second.

It's OK.

A wee bit difficult to tell, actually.

Really? Yeah.

What's he like?

Thoroughly decent chap, as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah.

I reckon this will make your life a little easier. Do you want me to throw

to you?

That's okay.

I'll come down.

You sure?

Russell Crowe, it's hot up here.

I thought I'd come and offer you an official welcome.

You wouldn't happen to have any nice, refreshing cheese, would you?

Good stuff.

Was that single origin?

I believe so.

It's magnificent.

You have some milk to wash it down?

Sorry, haven't been to the pub today.

So, Mr. Brandon.

Brandon. Brandon.

No, it's Mr. Brandon.

Mr. Brandon.

First, may I offer my sincere condolences on the tragic death of your

Matt? I mean, people say he's dead, but... Well, he most surely is.

I mean, the land around here claims so many. It's a gruelling life being a

farmer, and at the end, your uncle was broken and bent double by enduring

hardship, and I would not be at all surprised if he just crawled off into

bush and lay down forever under his favourite tree.

You wouldn't happen to know where that is, would you? You are from San

Francisco, from what I hear. Yeah. San Francisco, my favorite of all the

After Christchurch. And Auckland. And Wellington. And, uh... And... And

Queenstown.

Which... And to... Farmerston North.

But you must miss it terribly. Oh, sure. I mean, there's a few things I miss,

like sourdough bowls, same -day delivery.

Medical marijuana, sourdough bowls.

They take the bread and they hollow out the bread and put the clam chowder in

the bread. So you eat the soup and then you eat the bowl.

I mean, it must be so hard being so far from home in a place so

strange, knowing that you stare down a fate as miserable as poor old Mitch.

I mean, still, you could always just sell up, you know.

Move back to the big smoke with a big fat slab of cash in your pocket.

Well, actually, the will that Harry had me sign had a few surprise conditions in

it. Harry the old bush lawyer?

Yeah, he's been quite the prick in my ointment, too.

You know, just let me know if you ever want to get together in Agatha.

Sure.

In the meantime, my sylvan soulmate, my...

My contrived companion.

Tell me about these will problems.

Don't let Mom catch you making friends with that turd -faced Zoran Clegg, or we

won't be able to go out on a date tonight.

Yeah, and I gotta start locking that dog door.

That's not how I get in. Did you just say, our date is tonight?

I'll help you pick an outfit.

An interesting new look. I told you.

Hey.

I'd tell you the specials, but we don't have any.

Esme?

Do you ever sleep?

I need the wheel.

So, drinks to start? Yeah, do you have vegan water?

Only tap and bottled.

Tap.

I'll get both.

And wine.

So, Brendan.

What kind of romantic activities do you enjoy?

Carl. Sorry, he watches too much TV.

No, I mean, I don't mind answering, Kim.

Carl, let's see, I enjoy fine dining, three -person multi -generational dates.

Being interrogated on said date is always a real pleasure.

What do you see as your biggest weakness?

Sorry. Buddy, I thought we agreed if I didn't leave you at home to kill

by accident, you wouldn't be a weirdo.

So, Kim.

I saw you moving your herd the other day. Oh, yeah, my cow.

Well, 144 of them.

Wow, that's a lot. I mean, I've always been a dog person, so I guess that makes

you a cow person?

A dairy farmer, I'd say.

Yeah, I took over the farm when Mum and Dad retired.

Cool. You okay, buddy?

You do realize that there's entire islands of plastic waste in the ocean,

You know, I would drink to tap, and I'm sure the locals think it's lovely, but

if I'm going to be honest, it tastes a little bit odd to me.

Odd?

How? Sort of like it was fresh squeezed from Satan's G -string.

Odd. What's a G -string? I'll explain that a bit later in very little detail.

Try this.

See?

You know what, I reckon you need to get your rainwater tank checked. Mum?

Rightio, what's going on? Come on.

When was the last time that you did a really big... Sorry about this. Oh, do

your thing.

When did you last do a big poo?

Don't use that word at the dinner table.

Well, it's pretty obvious to me that none of the blokes at this table drink

enough water. Come on, you're coming with me.

I'm not going to the ladies.

Well, you should go have to sort it out by yourself then, won't you?

Well, things are really stuck. What do I do?

You're going to have to take me. Me?

I don't think that's a problem.

I've seen plumbers unblock my sink before.

This isn't so different.

Nice wood paneling.

How's it going in there, buddy?

It came out halfway, and then it stopped.

It's swimming.

All right. Carl, can you see the water below you? That's your target. That's

what you're aiming for.

There's hardly any water.

I don't get it either, man. In America, we fill the toilet up to the brim. Your

cheeks get a rinse when you sit down.

But an Australian toilet, I'm not going to lie, Carl, it's more like a shot

glass at the bottom of a well.

And it does take a bit of marksmanship.

That's fine if your poops are coming out like 52 caliber slug.

But honestly, bro, when I use the toilet, it's like a sawed -off shotgun

off in there.

I got a real wide spread.

Hey, you two have gone a while.

You okay, baby?

Yep, all clear now.

As long as we never speak of this again.

Sounds good to me, Carl.

Hey, mind if I go visit Chef?

Sure, go on.

Bet no rifle on it.

And don't touch the knife.

That's classified information. That's between Carl, myself, and that lady over

there.

So, can we start again?

Yes.

What was that? Here, try some of this vinegar.

Dab it on wherever they got you.

God damn, I didn't think car ants were real. Feels like a burning javelin in my

neck. Don't worry, it'll go numb in a minute.

What will, my whole body?

Isma, you've really got to get the gold rust fumigated.

Vinegar's cheaper.

Well, not the end of the night I was hoping for.

But, you know, it's still nice to get out of the spider's share house for a

little while, I guess.

Oh.

Not the thing anyone said to me in years.

Really?

Yeah.

Is this the bit where they put spit in each other's mouths?

Oh, hand me my glasses, will you? I probably should have been wearing them

anyway.

Yeah,

I'm going to take my boy and his overactive imagination home.

All right, that's probably a good idea.

By the way, Chef, great cooking tonight. That sweet and sour dish was... It was

something.

Well,

terrific date, everybody.

We should invite more people next time.

Iris?

Iris? What was all that bloody noise about? We're supposed to be doing a

operation. We've hit some kind of obstacle, sir.

Probably just more dinosaur bones.

Had to do a little blasting. Well, blast quietly.

Hey, Dee.

Hey, did you hear any loud noises outside last night?

Can't say I did, but Mrs. Dee and I were up celebrating our 40th anniversary.

40 years?

How old are you, Dee?

Ah, you know what they say.

A hard life in the sun keeps you looking young.

No, I don't think anyone's ever said that, actually. Like, ever.

Huh?

Anyway, it's forecast to be extra hot this week, so make sure you water those

trees. Will do. Thanks, Dee.

Dee? We could put him to work with the others.

I don't know.

It's a bit weird this way.

Ah, Mr. Bossman.

One of those funny farmer fellas have fallen in the tunnels again.

How on God's earth does this keep happening? You told us to dig near the

surface, sir. Please don't twist my word.

Yes, I wasn't tossing them that time, but... Oh, my God, why is it so hard?

Well, I actually just want to know what to... Judge!

But... No words.

No words.

You'll be lost without me, sir.

Fucker.

Oh, really?

That's what that terrible noise was.

One all.

Brendan Brandon pulls into the lead.

Please don't be Mitch.

This is definitely not vegan water.

I think I just came over looking for some fencing wire.

Hey, Kim.

Poor blighter. Thanks. Yeah, it's been a hell of a day.

I was talking about the duck.

Oh. Strange it even got in there.

You know you're going to need to get that tank emptied, sterilized, refilled.

Why does farming have to be so much work?

Well, lucky this one's a job for the experts. You know what? I'm just going

text Esme.

I'll get her to bring over a vacuum and some cleaning tools.

Esme's the tank person as well?

Uh -huh.

She doesn't have much choice, does she?

Ever since she sold her farm to that dick -nosed Zoron. She barely even

her death.

Yeah, that Zoron doesn't seem very farmerish to me.

And it takes one who's not one to know one who's not one.

He never was one.

He was just an easy gas money salesman. No wonder my water tasted like ass. It

had actual ass in it.

Low -flying duck's ass.

You think that's a saying, don't you? I learned it at the pub.

It's just, it's not flying very high, so it's like really hungry.

I mean, I'm hungry.

Sir, we have movement detected in the main tunnel.

It better not be more deserted.

How are you guys?

We're looking for Sydney.

No, idiot, that tunnel is just pipe gas back home to New Zealand. It's not a...

Sightseeing hike for dilly -dallying tourists back the way you came. Ah, not

many sites, bro.

It's just darkness longer than water. It was the cheapest way to get to

Australia. Why would you want to come to Australia?

It's full of Australians.

They have bad beer.

They malign all the great New Zealanders. Don't even get me started on

bad motor thing.

Um...

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't. No. Oh, God.

Don't leave the hatch open during the day. You're going to ruin everything

you've traded.

I'm real sorry about this, Cape Granchard, but it's only going to hurt

second.

Sergeant Blake.

How are you?

Hands where I can see them.

Oh, hey.

Listen, I appreciate your unique brand of hospitality, but I'm settling in just

fine, thanks.

It's your mail.

Break.

Oh.

Delivering the mail?

That is my job.

Sorry.

Oh, great.

This must be my snake repellent. What do you know about the disappearance of

Farmer D?

Wait, which job are you now?

Don't play dumb with me, Mr. Brandon.

Did you say D's missing?

What do you know about it? Because you look real suspicious to me.

Actually, I think you should come down to the station.

We need to have a chat.

And, uh, newsflash, you're under arrest.

But I'm an American citizen, so you haven't read me my Miranda rights. Plus,

get one phone call.

Okay. Well, you call this Miranda chick, and then come

and find me when you're ready.

I'll be over here sorting letters.

Sure.

Even if she did arrest somebody, where would they sit?

I don't suspect she's ever had that problem.

Did she just litter?

First Mitch, now Farmer D?

I mean, something's going on around here, Harry. Do you think maybe Mitch

to something?

He wouldn't tell me what his latest project was until he had all the pieces

place.

I wouldn't give it much talk.

Mitch was a secretive bugger. Had all kinds of working theories. You know what

they say.

Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

Speaking of which, Esme told me that when Kim picked up her bread and milk,

also bought a couple of packets of condom.

Two packs?

One medium and small.

I'll see you at the weigh -in.

All right, Hare.

Who are the mediums for?

Hey!

You go enjoy your sleepover, buddy. You have some fun, okay?

Hey.

Thank you.

They're trying to help me fix the fences with Arvo.

The cows will be fine, Mum.

Go on, run along.

I'm going to take a look around before it gets dark.

Mum. Yeah?

Studies show it's important to decompress at the end of a stressful

Why don't you go and have a play date with Brendan?

He's not like anyone else around here, is he?

He's cool.

The only single guy in a 50 -day radius.

Just be safe, OK?

I like being Aaron my child.

Carl, honestly, you... Things that come out of your mouth.

Hey there. Hey.

It's been a rough day. My cows have broken through an old fence, buggered

somewhere. Well, I could help you round them up. I've been practicing with

Mitch's whip and I'm kind of a natural.

Ah. I'd rather keep my eyeballs where I can see them.

No, I think at this time of day, it's such a good idea to have a drink. I've

this first, and, um... Well, Kim, harvest is tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah. But that does look like a pretty nice box of wine.

Come on in.

I'll be there in a second.

Enjoy your naughty wrestling while you can, because you won't be making your 20

tons, Mr. Brendan Brindle.

Brandon, Brendan, Brandon, whatever you name it.

Soon Mitch's farm is going to be nice and empty.

Good morning.

Oh, hi.

Could we not mention this to Carl? Because I just know he's... Kim, I know

you're going to say. He'll take all the credit. That wouldn't be fair.

What's this?

Family hangover recipe passed down from my great -grandfather.

God, does this stuff even work?

No. Seriously, Kim, your country drinks wine out of a bag that comes inside of a

box, and you don't have a solution for this?

Oh, we do.

It's called hard -melt princess.

Good luck today.

I'd love to stay and help, but I've got to go and get my cows out of Doron's

land.

Pray milk them to death.

Okay. See you later.

All right. Okay, bye.

Oh.

Why did I do this to myself on harvest day?

We've got a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of work to do.

Iris, what's the progress on the, uh... Oh.

Are these the nuts?

Yeah. Well, they can't be that hard to open. Oh, well, they're difficult.

Come on, it's a bloody nut, Howard.

Oh. Watch that.

That's kind of great. Maybe it's easier to cut the thing. Oh, careful, sir. I'm

fine. I did a knife skills class with Peter Gordon.

Ow.

That is the second worst thing I have ever put in my mouth.

This is a stupid sport.

What's the progress on the prototype frag droid? It should be reaching the

midpoint of Mitch's farm.

Oh, sweet.

We go vertical, net minute, mother light.

Looks like a pretty good load of nuts to me.

It's a plethora of nuts. A veritable profusion of nuts, I would

submit. I'll settle for sufficient.

It's Brandon.

It's Brandon. Never mind, what's the wait? Your harvest come in just a bee's

dick short of 20 tons. Sorry, I'm new to metric systems.

Where do bee's dicks fit in?

Look, take you to the front office and we'll get you sorted.

12 kilos under.

Is there any wiggle room in this?

I'm very sorry, Brendan. I helped Mitch draft up his will before I knew you.

And if you failed, we expected you to fail in a really big way.

Not by just 12 kilograms.

I worked so freaking hard!

Can we round up?

Or give me another chance.

I can do better.

Any wiggle room I gave you would not stand up in court.

Your awful cousin Craig would surely contest it and win.

I'm so sorry. I really am.

So that's it?

I get nothing?

Not even a tip? Which, by the way, in my country is customary when you

appreciate someone's all -out effort.

Every dollar from this crop has to be put back into the farm to keep it

operating. That was the point of the 20 -pound minimum.

Well, can I at least have enough to fly back to the States?

Put me down as farm equipment or an export.

You can have all the frequent flyer points that Mitch and I were saving up

that should be enough for a flight with maybe some left over. What am I going to

do with extra frequent flyer points? I don't know. Maybe trade them for your

imaginary coins or whatever they are.

Good luck.

How much were you short by?

Well, there was something about a bee with a 12 -kilogram dick.

How would such a thing get off the ground?

Even if it did, it would break every flower it landed on.

Probably get kicked out of the hive.

The queen would be sorry to see him go.

Might as well drink this.

No.

I actually thought I was doing a pretty good job here.

I thought all this was going to be mine.

I'm really sorry, Brendan.

You know, you're going to work something out.

You will. Kim, this was me working things out. And look where that's ended

I'm going to go home in worse shape than I arrived.

You're going back to San Francisco.

Well, it's clear that I'm no farmer.

And I never will be. I mean, the only thing I was ever good at was getting

crypto. Until I wasn't.

I'll be disappointed to hear that.

Kim, I didn't... No, no, it's fine. I mean,

it's not like we promised each other anything. I mean, well,

one date and a, you know, half -decent wine -fuelled route, and what's that?

You... You thought it was half -decent? I thought it was wine -fuelled.

Let's not drag this out, yeah? I've got a lot to do, so... I'll see you around.

You said decent also before the part after that.

I thought we were getting along.

I fed you and I watered you.

And you couldn't give me 12 more lousy kilos?

I'm talking to you, John F. Kennetry.

And you, Macadamia Winehouse.

And you.

You broke my heart, Leifer Sutherland.

Where were you guys when I needed you?

Hopefully Mother Nature will water the trees for me while I continue my search.

Breaking dawn at suspect site.

Appears to be a bunch of soil test holes.

Something is a foot under foot.

Hey,

it's Kim. I'm probably milking cows right now, so leave a message.

Hi, Kim. Listen, I'm sorry about before. I know I've been a real low -flying

duck's ass lately.

I don't even know what I was trying to say, but listen, I think I've discovered

something.

March 15, G8.

The entrance has to be around here somewhere.

Entrance?

Entrance to what?

I know volcanoes.

I doubt you've even been to a volcano.

Uh, Mr. Click, Boss Monday.

I can't be sure, but I think we're being spotted coming out of the hatch.

How many times do I have to tell you idiots to keep that hatch closed during

day? And once and for all, volcanoes do not have a hole.

Kim, Kim, Kim, I'm so glad that you called. I think I'm being changed by

You mean underage kids?

Kim,

could you hear me?

Oh, shit.

Hey, it's Kim. I'm probably milking cows right now, so leave a message.

Kim, I'm coming. I just, I don't know where you are.

More stupid buddy coordinates to cross off the list. Tomorrow, I'll move on to

G7.

G7 part one

More

voices detected directly below getting

dark. I'll have to continue in G7 tomorrow

you can.

That's north.

Oh, that tastes

like socks and carpet.

Which idiot put...

I'm going to need a policewoman or a lawyer.

What?

No, I'm not planning a stag party.

Get over here. I'm in the woods behind these place.

Ready penetration of the reserve within five minutes, sir. Excellent, Iris.

Soon, our beloved New Zealand will have enough gas to power her flat screens

deep into the night.

Let's... Let's join!

Sorry about this, miss, but it would be good to have an experiment again.

Oh, wow.

That might have been a bit much.

Ken, I thought I was going to have to kiss these nuts goodbye.

These nuts ain't going anywhere, my friend.

My guy, you're Mitch.

Are you from the CIA?

No, I'm Brandon Brandon, your know -nothing nephew. I follow the clues you

Well, did you follow them some slightly?

I'll be coming out of my mind down here.

My back's killing me.

Brandon, you need to get the key.

Sure. Wait, what?

Oh, my God. You're Strawberry John.

How is New Zealand?

Did you go inside that giant inflatable ball where they push you downhill and

then you've got to kind of steer while you're in it? I'm dying to do that

Oh, I think you might have me confused with someone else. I'm Avocado John.

No, you're not. You know you're not allowed to pick your own nickname,

Strawberry. That's true, actually.

Brendan, the cave!

Yeah, okay, right.

Kimmy, by the way, I'm sorry about what I said. I don't want to go. Maybe I can

drive Esme's taxi on her free night. We can talk about it later, okay? You've

got to stop Zoran. He's about to dump a load of chemicals into the aquifer. If

he does, all these funds are going to be ruined.

Got it.

Mitch. Okay.

Okay, go. We're going to be fine. Go. Go get Zoran.

Go! No, no, no, no, not now.

Not now.

Don't now.

Ow! Ow!

Oh, come on, Satan.

With a glass, I can almost smell the gas.

Zora, you cheese -eating bastard!

Stop whatever crazy shit you're doing right now!

And you're too late.

You take one step closer and I will push this button.

Not yet, sir.

When do you think it's to go?

You couldn't keep that to yourself?

Come on, Mitch. Come on, Mitch.

It's the longest ten seconds ever. Sorry.

Just a little firmware update.

Get the rematch!

I did make my quota. You thieving, low -flying duckdash!

Oh!

Stop my nutsacks, Zora!

Brandon, come on. We've got to go.

Your cowardly iris brings a shadow of shame upon the long white cloud. Let's

home, cuz.

We'll never steal together again.

Doron! Hey, even though no one likes you up here, you should probably get out of

there.

Is Harry here?

Harry!

Sack! Check my sack!

It must be at least 12 kilos.

Mitch!

You're alive?

Oh, thank God.

Oh, Harry, my darling.

I thought I'd never see you again.

So do you still think all my theories are crazy?

I'm just happy that you're okay.

Okay and desperately in need of a shower.

Young love.

Very proud of you, Brendan.

Thanks for bringing him home.

Oh, you're welcome, Harry.

Aside from saving me from being a mole person, Harry tells me you've shown some

real grit, Brendan.

Family farm is yours, if you still want it.

I'd like that a lot. I mean, it's hard work, but weirdly, I think I really like

being a farmer.

You're still alive, Mitch. I mean, what are you going to do? I realize down

there what's important, and I've no time to waste.

Harry and I are going traveling, and if we still like each other after that,

maybe we'll get married.

Maybe I'm not too old to make that mistake again, but I will need a better

proposal than that.

By the way, Uncle Mitch, for what it's worth, I promise to make ongoing

to not let you down completely.

I'd have to come by and teach you a thing or two about farming before we

though.

Yeah, that didn't go too well.

Say, Uncle Mitch, what's with that freaky chicken of yours?

It's where I hide my crypto wallet. I've been following your blog for years and

I have a very nice nest egg to show for it. Lucky I went missing before you

started pushing DigiDog.

Son of a gun.

So, does that mean that you might be sticking around a bit longer?

It does look that way, ma 'am.

Next, we'll have to sort out your visa.

A lot easier if you two were married.

I am not afraid of the dark, where your words devour my

heart and put me to shame, put me to shame.

From your seven worlds to life, whenever I am by your

side.

And just from a distant sun,

who shall...

Still so young to travel so far.

Old enough to know who you are.

Wise enough to carry the scars.

Without any blame.

There's no one to blame.

Easy to forget what you learned.

Waiting for the truth to return.

Drilling your desire burn.

And drawn to the plan.