All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-In.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S37E01.Rawhead.Rex.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

-You know, when I was a kid,

we lived so far out
in the country

that the sun set
between our house and town.

But if you go there now, there's
a hyperscale data center.

You know what
a hyperscale data center is?

It's a bunch of computers
so sophisticated that no matter

where you are in the world, the
bank can still put you on hold.

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-Okay, Darcy.
I'm sick of pussyfooting around.

It's time to get really,
really serious about this.

-No.
-Did you say no?

-No, you're already too serious.

-Ever since
my trailer got repo'd,

there's no time
to waste on this.

So look at us.

We got kicked out
of the trailer park.

That's one reason
I'm showing a movie tonight

that has a trailer park in it.

-When one door closes,
two doors open.

-Who said that?

That's the stupidest thing
I ever heard.

-I don't know, I just mean,
we're going to be fine.

-Okay.

I'm going to put it to you
this way, Darcy.

-Okay.
-This is very important.

Listen.
-All right.

-What is going on in
the following cities next week

that is not going on
anywhere in North America?

-What cities?

-Thale, Wernigerode,
Quedlinburg,

Heidelberg, and Berlin.

What's going on there?

-People will
be speaking German.

-And the Brocken forgot
to mention the Brocken.

All this mountain area
is the Brocken.

-I know.
I can't go this year,

but I put on the uniform
for tonight.

-You call that the uniform
for going to the Brocken?

-Yeah. I have a hat.
It's witch's night.

-See, Darcy, you are part
of the problem.

Nobody's going to want
to kill the witches

when you're dressed like that.

-We don't dress
for mere humans.

-Oh, yeah.
You don't dress for humans.

What do you dress for?

-We dress for the prince.

-Once again and for the last
time on Shudder,

I am pleading, people,
I am begging,

I am appealing to the family

that has grown up
around this show.

We have to start celebrating
the holiday known in Europe

as the second Halloween,

the Celtic fire festival
of Beltane,

which has come down
through history,

renamed by the Catholic Church
as Walpurgisnacht

in honor of Saint Walpurgis,
who was a nun who hated witches.

-Ew, what a bitch.

-So the first thing
we're going to do this year

is we're going to get rid of
that name.

Nobody can pronounce
Walpurgisnacht.

And it sounds German anyway.

-Because it is.

-It actually is German.
And so you --

Actually you just named
the holiday yourself.

From now on,
this is Witch's Night.

-Okay.
-We're gonna go
hardcore witch with this,

and we're going to take
the 11,000 traditions associated

with the holiday
that I have tried to explain

in previous shows, and we're
going to reduce that to three.

-And you're going to tell
us what those are.

-Yes, I am.
Numero uno -- Alcohol.

It's about alcohol.
-Whoo!

-I'm going to get to that
at the first break.

Numero two-oh -- fire.

We're going to build
a bonfire from the ruins

of the "Last Drive-In" set.

-Oh, that's too sad.

-No, no, this is the gateway
to partying like jungle animals.

And numero three-oh,
orgiastic revels.

We're just doing
those three things.

-Well, I'm in for the last one.

-And so it's all about witches.

-I thought it was about
alcohol and fire.

-Alcohol and fire

lead to orgiastic revels
with the witches.

-Oh, then I'm definitely in.

-All right.
-Okay.

-Beltane is
a complicated holiday, Darcy.

So the three B's
for witches night are boozing,

burning, and bonking.

That's what you do
on Walpurgisnacht.

-What else is there in life?
-I know, right?

So that's why Witch's Night
should be a national holiday.

Or at least an out-of-control
Halloween-type event.

Instead, we have
halfway to Halloween?

Really? Halfway to Halloween
is Walpurgisnacht.

Look at the calendar, people.

I mean Witch's Night.

And mark my words,
by this time next year,

the entire horror family
will be celebrating

Witch's Night with planned
events in every city in America.

-You have a plan to do that?
-Yes.

By begging people. I'm going
to beg people to listen to me.

-It's going to work.
-Thanks for being supportive.

-You're welcome.
-Later tonight,

Darcy, you're going to
be fondling your broomstick

and flying to the Brocken.
I'm telling you.

Because for those of you

who haven't been paying
attention

for the past five years,

Walpurgisnacht is the night

that the witches fly
to the Brocken,

the highest peak in
the Harz Mountains of Germany,

where the devil dwells.

They fly there to cavort.
Can you cavort, Darcy?

You know how to cavort?
-I'm such a cavorter.

-Cavort
on the witch's dance floor

and copulate with wild beasts.

Did you see any
of that last year, Darcy,

when you were at the Brocken?

-I mean --
-Copulation with wild beasts?

-I didn't see everything
on the Brocken,

but I would not rule it out.

-Well, the copulation
with wild beasts,

that's a new one for me.
I didn't know about that.

I didn't know that was
part of it.

But it's especially popular
with the artists

who attempt to depict
Walpurgisnacht in paintings.

-As it should be.
-Witch's Night, I mean.

And speaking
of Celtic wild beasts...

-I can't believe it.

-Can't believe what?

-That you actually made
the intro match the movie.

-I did. Thank you, Darcy.

...we have "Rawhead Rex,"
the 1986 folk horror

stomach turner about a beast
very much like the ones

that will be sliming around
the Brocken on Witch's Night.

It's the old, familiar story
of the typical American family

on vacation
in the Irish countryside,

who become concerned when their
10-year-old son gets eaten by

a 10-foot tall,
bug-eyed mutant pig

with ridiculously enormous fangs

and the pectorals
of a pro wrestler

and a bad mohawk
straight out of "Mad Max."

Will the community be saved
by the ancient rites

of the Irish Catholic Church?

-Never.
-That's right.

I forgot you're Irish Catholic,
right?

So this is the perfect
Walpurgisnacht,

Witch's Night fable for you.

Be sure to tell us if anything
in this movie is blasphemous.

-Everything in this movie
is blasphemous

and that is what I like
about it.

-Will the community
be taken in by a verger

baptized with beast urine?

What's a verger do, Darcy?
What is that?

-You already asked me that
when we showed "The Church."

-No, when we showed
"The Church,"

I asked you what a sacristan is.

Because Asia Argento's daddy was
the sacristan in that movie.

-Okay, well,
a verger is a sacristan.

-Okay, well, anyway,

the verger gets baptized
with beast urine,

one of the most notorious scenes

in horror history,
and zaniness ensues.

And sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it
with the complete annihilation

of an entire trailer park

by the equivalent
of a redneck Godzilla?

I think not,

so let's look at those drive-in
totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations

for David Dukes
as the dad who says,

"Well, what do you expect from
a historian?

I prefer dead things."

Kelly Piper
as the distraught mom.

Niall Toibin as the reverend
who blusters, beside the point,

"This is holy ground."

Niall O'Brien
as the clueless detective.

Ronan Wilmot as the shady verger
who says "Rawhead.

That's what they called him.
Rawhead!"

And Clive Barker, the writer,

who really believed
he could put a prehistoric,

penis-shaped, baby-eating
pus monster on the screen

and nobody would mess with him.

Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

There you go.
-Good job.

-Walpurgisnacht.
-Witch's Night.

-No, Witch's Night. Sorry.

We never got our dream show,
though.

We never did a Witch's Night
show from the actual Brocken.

-We still have time.
-No, this is it, Darcy.

Either we inflame the hearts
of America

with Walpurgisnacht love
tonight,

or the opportunity
is forever lost.

-Have a Maibock.

-I will.
I'm starting with Lone Star.

Lone Star doesn't
actually brew a Maibock.

You know,
Maibock is a seasonal beer.

They only brew it
two months a year.

But I went with the
small-batch premium Lone Star.

-Does that exist?
-Mnh-mnh.

-Oh, okay.
-No, I made that up.

Lone Star is pretty much just
Lone Star wherever you buy it.

But I'm pre-gaming
for the hard stuff.

-Remember the last time
you started pregaming?

-Mm.
Do not bring that up again.

-Oh, we have to,
Mr. Spry As Fuck.

It's a Witch's Night
tradition now.

-Don't use that mug shot
if you post about it.

-Oh, I don't need to.

I have the one
with your shirt off.

It's way better.

-It's Walpurgisnacht.

You're supposed
to take your shirt off.

-Not by ripping it off
with a hot dog fork.

-What's wrong with ripping it
off with a hot dog fork?

-Nothing. I'm just saying
sharp implements, alcohol,

you, be careful.

-Witch's Night.
Nobody be careful.

It's Witch's Night.
Nobody be careful.

-Okay. Let's go.

-Let's go.
-Whoo!

-Witch's Night.

Walpurgisnacht is now
Witch's Night.

-Oi, haul away!

-Come on.

Come on.

-Anything?

-Go on!

-It's no bloody good.

Turn it off.

-Yeah. Go on.

-♪ All creatures of our God
and King ♪

♪ Lift up your voice
and with us sing ♪

♪ Alleluia, allelulia ♪

♪ Thou burning sun
with golden beam ♪

♪ Thou silver moon
with silver gleam ♪

♪ Oh, praise him,
oh, praise him ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

-It's not going to move, Garron.

-Dennis is right. Give up.

-Maybe.

-Doesn't look too healthy.

Well, I better be getting back.

My dinner's on the table.

-Thanks anyway.

-Are you coming, Mitch?

-Yeah. Good luck.

-You made the same dinner joke.

Hey, Dad.

-Smile.

-Dad.

-What? What's the problem?

-Mom says it's gonna rain.

Why don't you stop taking
damn photographs?

-Damn photographs?
-Just quoting.

-Oh, just quoting.
Uh-huh. I see.

Well, what would you say?

-I say I'm hungry.

-What an entirely new response
from you.

-Ha ha.
-Ha ha.

All right, listen,
why don't you tell her,

uh, tell her about 10 minutes,
okay?

-She's mad with you.

-Oh, all right, all right.
Just tell her five.

Look, I have to see
somebody in the church

about this site, okay?

-Then can we go home?
I'm bored.

-Bored?
Robbie, how can you be bored?

This is the land
of your forefathers, remember?

-Yeah, and they left.

-Tell her five minutes.

Tell her I really mean it.

-Bastard.

-♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

-♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Allelu-- ♪

Oh!

-We should get you home.

-I don't know what came over me.

-Shall we make a dash for it?

-It felt like I was burning.

-Come on.

-Can I help you?

-Oh. Yeah, I hope so.

I'm looking for
a Reverend Coot.

Uh, am I saying that right,
Coot?

-That's right.

But I'm not your man.
I'm the verger.

-Oh, hi.
I'm Howard Hallenbeck.

-Declan O'Brien.

-Tell me something.
This, uh --

This Coot, he wouldn't happen
to be old, would he?

Sorry.

Uh, I talked to him
a couple of weeks ago,

and he said that I might,
uh, take a look at the church.

-I see.

-You see,
it's for a book I'm writing.

Uh, he said I might take
some photographs,

maybe even look at
the parish records.

-Then you'll probably find him
in the rectory.

-Which is where?

-Out the door,

turn right,
and it's straight ahead of you.

-Right then straight.

Thanks.

Uh...all right.

One, two, three.

-Rawhead.

-Come in, come in.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, look at this.
Striking collection.

-Well, it passes the time.

Here, let me take your coat.
-Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is very nice.

-Well, now, how can I help?

-Ah, well,
we spoke on the phone.

I think I mentioned
that the -- the book

that I'm writing is about
the persistence of sacred sites

in this part of the country.

-I'm sorry. Persistence?
-Yeah.

See, a lot of churches
are built on sites

that have been considered sacred
for some considerable time.

-Pre-Christian, you mean.

-Pre-Roman even, although that
doesn't apply here in Ireland.

What I'm after
are Neolithic sites,

fertility cults of one sort
or the other.

-Here?

It's very possible. Yeah.

-Intriguing.

-What I'd like to do
is photograph the interior

of your church, particularly
those stained glass windows.

Very interesting designs.

-Of course. It's always open.

-How about your
parish records?

Could I have a look at those?

-I'm sure it can be arranged.

I'll have Declan look out
whatever stuff we've got.

-Oh, yes, the verger.

-Perhaps I'd better come back
to you

when he's sorted it all out.

-That'd be much appreciated.

-Where are you staying at?

-Um, your pub.

-The Tall Man?

-The Tall Man.

-Once upon a time there was
a little boy called Treehorn.

He had -- He --
He just noticed that --

Shut up!

Watch it. Look, I'm trying
to read my comic.

-Watch it! You're a pig, Robbie.

-Oh, yeah. Sure. Nyah!

Two more days of this,
I'll go nuts.

-What are you talking about?
We just checked in here.

-We've been here two months.
-Well...

we've been in Ireland
a month and a half, actually.

Not quite.

We may not have to be here
that long,

but I've got to see
the records of this church.

This is the most interesting
site I've seen.

-And then?
-Then we can go to Dublin.

It's about half a day's drive.

-Come on, get it.
Just get it.

-I want my doll!
-Well, you're not getting it.

-I will. I'll go bananas.

-All right. Quiet down.

You know, this is a working trip
for me, remember?

-You know,
you also got a family.

-That's who
those kids belong to.

I was wondering.

I thought you'd feel
at home here.

-At home?

-Irish forebearers
and all that.

-That's vicious rumor
put out by my mother.

-Your mother
is
a vicious rumor.

-Ha ha.

One more day.

-Dennis.

-What?

-Stable door's not shut.

-I locked it.

-Well, it's open now.

-Damn.

-I could have sworn
that I bolted it.

-Who's there?

Who's there?

I said, who's there?

-Dennis! Dennis!

-No.

No!

No, no, no! Stay away!

Stay out!

Dennis!

Oh, Dennis!

-Okay.

Just a typical day in
a charming little Irish village.

That was a very quick monster
reveal, don't you think, Darcy?

Yeah, but I don't think
you always have to hide

the monster till the end.

-Well, no problem in this case.

That is actually
Heinrich von Schellendorf

in the Rawhead Rex suit.

He was 19 years old,
6'11",

grew up on a farm in Ireland,

and he was very familiar
with that house

where he chases
and eats the hapless Jenny,

because that's where
he worked out every morning

getting those ripped abs.

In fact,
he may be the only movie monster

I've ever seen to be
specifically built

to have ripped abs.

-Nothing wrong with that.

-But he worked out every day
with the members of U2.

-What?

-They were prepping
for their tour

to support
Amnesty International.

Why would they be prepping for a
tour in County Wicklow, Ireland?

I have no idea.

But all of Heinrich's
memories of doing the film

involve hanging out with U2
in that house.

Anyway, Clive Barker was
not happy with the monster.

His script had described
the monster as a rampaging,

baby-eating giant penis.

He wanted a slender monster with
a giant bald head

and in fact,
listen to what he said about it.

Uh, because it's funny.
This is Clive Barker.

"It's a 10-foot prick
on the rampage.

I even put it in the title --
raw head.

The whole movie needs to
smell of sex.

That German ski instructor
or whatever

that they hired had bigger
pectorals than Linda Evans.

His tits overshadowed
his navel.

Completely wrong for the movie."
-Well, I disagree.

-Wouldn't you rather see
a rampaging penis

than this monster?

-I mean, why not all of it?

A rampaging penis
with huge pecs and abs.

-Well, the director,
George Pavlou,

defended himself
by saying Barker's description

of the monster
in his short story

was impossible to do
with practical effects.

Nobody was that slender
with that big of a head.

And I actually think
you could have done it.

But Pavlou basically went
with fangs and drool and size,

and he hired Schellendorf
precisely

because he was tall and beefy.

So it's hard today
to imagine this.

But in 1984 and 1985,

the whole horror world changed

because of a collection
of short stories.

Who gets famous writing
short stories?

Clive Barker does.

So when he published
his six "Books of Blood,"

he got the kind of attention
normally reserved for writers

who have published 30 books,
not two books.

But he was just 31 years old.

He was mostly known
as a playwright

and a theatre director
in Liverpool.

And the remarkable thing
about "Books of Blood"

is that the stories had
no consistent style.

They called it splatterpunk.

And in fact, if you talk about
splatterpunk today,

the first guy you talk about
is Clive Barker.

But it was actually
every horror subgenre --

dark fantasy, supernatural,

mythic creatures, demons,

stories about alternate
realities, body horror,

psychological horror,
haunted houses, erotic horror,

occult metaphysics, traditional
monsters like this one,

stories about religion
gone haywire.

No two stories were alike,
and it just blew everybody away.

Stephen King's famous quote was

"I have seen
the future of horror,

and his name is Clive Barker."

But Barker had no desire
to be a filmmaker.

But he did want his stories
to be adapted for the screen.

That's why he was so upset
with George Pavlou,

because this was actually
Pavlou's second chance

with a Barker story.

He had directed
the movie "Underworld" in 1985,

based on a story
from "Books of Blood,"

and the resulting film
just toned down everything --

toned down the gore,
the body horror,

the mutants of the underworld
in the title.

And so he had made it clear with
the producers of "Rawhead Rex"

that he wanted his second script
to not be sugar coated

in the slightest.

He wanted it to be distressing
and subversive

and disturbing and graphic.

He said all this
before the movie was ever made,

but then he was
never even invited to the set.

I think they were afraid
he would enforce these things.

Once again,
they sanitized his work.

They turned a story about
a giant phallus with teeth

who eats babies and gives
golden showers to priests into

a more or less traditional
monster on the loose story.

Anyway, Barker's reaction was to
say, "The next movie,

I'm the director," and
the next movie was "Hellraiser,"

so thank you, "Rawhead Rex"
for convincing Clive Barker

to direct his own material.

- Okay, Darcy.
- Yes.

-Do you have your
Witch's Night menu?

-I do. You sent it to me
months ago.

-Yes. I gave our viewers
no excuse this year

not to celebrate Witch's Night
with us in the proper way.

And the proper way
all starts with beer.

The primary nutrient
for Witch's Night is beer.

There's even a certain lager
that was invented by Germans

specifically for
this celebration.

And that lager
is called Maibock,

and it's brewed only
in the spring.

So I gave our viewers three
choices for Maibock this year.

But beer is not optional.

If you're watching this show,
you must have Maibock.

Now, the hardcore option, and
I really appreciate those of you

who went to the time and trouble

to find it and order it
and have it ready for tonight,

the hardcore option is
Einbecker Mai-Ur-Bock.

Look at this keg.
Look at this keg we got.

This is the original Maibock
brewed in the small town

of Einbeck, Lower Saxony.

And, um, that's where
bock beer was invented in 1378.

And, uh, now, if you were lazy

and you didn't have time to
order a beer from Lower Saxony,

I did provide a second option,

which would be
the Weihenstephaner Maibock.

They come in these things.

Which is brewed
by the world's oldest brewery,

the Bavarian State Brewery
in Freising,

part of Munich's
Technical University.

You can go to Technical
University and major in beer.

So Weihenstephaner started
brewing beer in the year 1040.

And it's easier to find
in the US.

And then for you
absolute slackers,

if you just can't be bothered
to prepare for Walpurgisnacht,

I gave a third
ridiculous option.

Dead Guy Ale brewed in Newport,
Oregon.

And you can find it everywhere.

And it is a Maibock.

So Witch's Night begins
and ends with Maibocks.

So let's start getting oiled up,
Darcy. Let's go.

-We're getting oiled up?

-Yeah, metaphorically.
We're getting oiled up.

-Oh, don't tease us, Joe Bob.

-All right,
let's start pumping some fuel

into our bodies
as we return to "Rawhead Rex."

Mmm. Ooh, yeah.

And his human chomping rampage
in the town of Rathmorne,

which in real life
is the town of Redcross,

which is featured not only
in this movie

but in John Boorman's
"Excalibur."

Population 251 in Rathmorne.

Population 256 today,
251 when they made the movie.

Population growth in spite
of all the baby eating there.

So roll it. Bottoms up, Darcy.

-Oh, I'm going to wait for
the witch's dance floor part.

-Did you even look at
those Goya paintings I sent you

of the goat-head monsters
cavorting

with the witches on the Brocken?

-Hey, it's a party.

-I don't think
they'll let you choose which

goat-head monster assaults you,
you know?

-I feel like I know the Brocken
a little bit better than you do.

-Okay.

But take some selfies this year
if you're going to do that.

-Oh, no promises.
What happens at the Brocken

stays at the Brocken.

-Oh, oh, oh, I almost forgot.

Speaking of photo ops,
there's another thing

holding back Witch's Night
from taking flight

here in the States,
and that's a mascot, Darcy.

We need a mascot.

A symbol of all things
Walpurgisnacht

for kids to sing songs about

and for ad execs to exploit and
hawk Witch's Night merchandise

and promote
Witch's Night parades.

And, of course, the inevitable
Witch's Night clearance sales

events at your local
Toyota dealership.

-A good mascot could help,

but I feel like you're thinking
way too far ahead.

-No, we need a symbol.
And I answered the call.

I'm excited to reveal
for the first time anywhere,

Wally.
-Oh, my.

-The Walpurgisnacht rascal.

-Wow. That's amazing.

-Actually, you could say "Vally"
the Walpurgisnacht "vascal,"

if you pronounce
Walpurgisnacht that way.

But people still correct me on
how to pronounce Walpurgisnacht

no matter how I say it.

But -- But look, it's Wal--

Let's call it
"Wall-purgisnacht," okay?

That's the final answer.
Isn't that right, Wally?

So...
-Aw. He's cute.

-Ah, hell yeah, he's cute.

Move over, Rudolph.
Fuck you, Easter Bunny.

Wally has entered the chat,

and he's a bona-fide
lady killer.

He's just dripping
with Brocken rizz.

-Oh, rizz, you say?

Is that real fur?

-It's real everything.

Wally is 100% real rascal,
Darcy.

His body is --
Well, it's a taxidermy monkey

that I found at a yard sale.

But I made a promise

with the sweet old bus driver
who sold it

that I wouldn't say
where I bought it,

as it's technically an exotic
animal in her state, but...

-I'm assuming that Wally died of
natural causes, yeah?

-The monkey was already dead.
-Okay.

-Lived a long, rich life,
I'm sure.

Now he's immortalized forever
as the Brocken party animal.

His hands are
genuine gator claws.

Scraped them off a stretch of
Highway 41.

Wasn't sure at the time
what I'd do with them,

but history just whispered
in my ear

that fateful afternoon
that it was meant to be.

-Well, I'm so happy

that Wally's legacy
is going to live on.

-Yes, it was roadkill.
Waste not, want not.

And did you notice his tail?

-Yes.

-It's the noble
southern black racer.

Coluber constrictor priapus,

a non-venomous snake
native to North Georgia.

But before you get upset,
it's just a rubber snake.

It's covered in fur.

I think the fur is a nice touch,
personally.

-I am happy that you used
a rubber snake for this part.

But what about --
what about this head?

-Trade secret on the head,
Darcy.

He's ready to revel
with the devil

in his cool little witch hat,
don't you think?

-I do, it's so cute.

I feel like you're
very proud of yourself.

-Of course I'm proud.
Just look at him.

He's the Spuds MacKenzie
of Witch's Night.

Remember Spuds MacKenzie,
that bull terrier in sunglasses

from those '80s
Budweiser commercials?

There was a dog who knew
how to have a good time.

Spuds was a bona-fide hit

until Strom Thurmond and
Mothers Against Drunk Drivers

did that whole media campaign
against him.

He wasn't around very long.

-They said they were using
a cute little dog

to advertise beer to kids.

-Yeah,
that's what they were doing.

And sure,
maybe they have a point,

but Spuds MacKenzie was so cool.

He was always surrounded
by bikini babes.

He was the life of every party.

-You gotta love a dog
that parties.

-I like to think Spuds and Wally
could have been friends.

-Did you hear that?
-You're changing the subject.

It's just more thunder, I think.

-Why do we have to come here
in the monsoon season?

-No, I like this place.
I think I could live here.

It's quiet. It's charming.
-It's dead.

-Well, what do you expect
from a historian?

I prefer dead things.

-Oh, I'll bear that in mind.

-There's one or two exceptions.

-Name one.

Mm.
What's the other?

Mm.

Oh.

You haven't kissed me like that
in a long time.

-You have very dirty eyes.
Anybody ever tell you that?

-Practically everybody.

-She'll certainly know us
next time.

-Mm. It's strange.
-Yeah.

-The way she looked.

-What do you mean?
-She reminds me of something.

Somebody.

-Maybe she's a relation
of yours.

-You're right.
You're going bananas.

-Thanks.
-Now, about that hotel.

-Yeah.

-What the hell?

Dennis? Jenny, are you there?

Dennis! Dennis!

Dennis? Jenny?

Jen, what happened here?

-I can't see a thing.

Would you take over here
and watch it?

-All right.

-Just a moment.
Could I have a word now?

Will you travel with her
in the ambulance?

Take down anything she says.
Anything at all.

You understand?
It's very important.

Any little mumble,
anything at all.

-I went into the kitchen.

-There wasn't a mark on Jenny.

-Which leaves the husband.
-Dennis.

Did they have any visitors
staying with them?

-I don't think so.
I could check.

-What amazes me is
how the woman survived.

-Clearly, she hid herself.
A wardrobe perhaps, the attic.

I don't think Conroy knows
what hit him.

They probably haven't had
a murder around here before.

-You're assuming
Nicholson's dead.

-State of the house,
the blood --

Yes, I think so.

I think we're talking about
some kind of revenge killing.

-Doesn't seem
to go with the territory.

-I don't know, resentments
can fester anywhere.

We're looking for
several individuals

to have caused
this kind of damage.

-Howard?
-Yeah, I'm right here.

I'm here.
-Something wrong?

-No.
You didn't hear the sirens?

-Sirens?

-Just an accident
of some sort up in the hills.

-Mm. Come back to bed.

-I'm gonna take a walk.
Get some air.

Help me go to sleep.

You know,
you were talking in your sleep.

-Was I?

-Who the hell is Big Jake?

Wouldn't you like to know?

-Keep it warm, okay?
I'll be back.

-Big Jake, huh?
Hey, take your coat.

Oh, it's cold out there.

-Nyeeerm!

Nyeeerm!

-Hey, listen, why don't you
watch the film, huh?

-Seen it.

-Well, then change the channel.

-I've seen them all.

-You're just being selfish.
-Don't, Andy.

-You're a selfish little brat.

Come on.

You'll be sorry for this.

I'm gonna get you back,
dickhead.

-You and whose army?

-You little pig!
Just you wait.

-It's not very warm.

-You're a little bastard.

Hey!

-No, you don't.
-Give me that!

-Get lost!

-Aah!

-Come on.
-Andy, I have to talk to you.

-Sure.
-No, I mean seriously.

-I can talk seriously, you know.
What?

-Let me out, you pig!

Andy!

Pig. The bloody pig!

-I tell you what,

I'm going to kill the
little brat one of these days.

I'm going to kill him.

-I just don't think
this was such a good idea.

-Why not?
There's nobody around.

Are you feeling a bit cold?
-Yeah.

-Come on,
I'll warm you up, huh?

-No, Andy.

-Oh, come on, Katrina.

-You said we could talk.

-Shh.

Did you hear that?

-No.

-Goodbye, Roy.

-Nicole.

-For the love of God.

-My God. Neil.
Sean. Sean! Sean!

It's little Neil.

-Damn.

My God. What's happened?

-What's wrong, sweetheart?
-What is it, son?

Speak up. What is it?

What's happened?

-There's somebody here, Andy.

-Hey, listen.

Stop playing hard to get,
will you?

-I want to go back
to the caravan.

-Yeah,
we'll go back in a minute.

-God.

I said I want to go back.

Shit.

-What the hell's going on?

-God knows.

The boy just appeared
on the doorstep.

-He won't say a word.

-Hey, Katrina.

Katrina, hang on, will you?

Listen, I'm sorry.
Hey, you're not upset, are you?

-I'm not. It's just...

I'm just feeling chilly,
that's all.

-Oh, you poor little baby.

-I'll keep you warm.
-Andy.

-Are you getting warmer?
-Mm-hmm.

-Good.

-Run! Come on!

-I can't. I can't go.

-Come on!

Ohh!

-Oh! God!

-What is it?!
-Something--

I-I don't...
-What is it, for God's sake?!

-I don't-- Andy...

Jesus Christ.

-Don't get too far apart!

-No.
-And stay inside of each other!

-Oh, let's go see.

He'll be back in a second.

Okay.

-What's happening out there?

There's something
going on up in the hills.

-We were worried.

-Is that why you're still up?

-Is there an accident?

-I don't know.
-Was there any blood?

-I didn't see,
so I don't know.

-Alright, pumpkin.
All the excitement's over.

Time for bed.
-Yep.

-Now you see. Daddy's okay.
Time for beddy-bye. Okay?

-Oh, my God!
-Ohh!

-What?

-Did someone fetch the police?

-I'll go back and check.

-Who is it?

It's not the Johnson boy.

-God knows.

-Over here!

-Ohh. Where's his head?

Jesus Christ!

It's a bloody massacre!

-Where's that
no-good brother of yours?

-Boring.
-No more comics, Robbie.

They rot the brain.

-Yeah?

- Okay.
- Down to bed, okay?

-Okay.
-And here's Icky.

-Thank you.
-Mwah!

Night-night. Sleep tight.
And don't let the bedbugs bite.

-You know,
I didn't really expect

to encounter a trailer park
in this movie,

but I guess the Irish
are not particular

about what they spread
across their hills of heather.

They don't actually call it
a trailer park, though.

It's a "residential
caravan park."

Somehow that
sounds better, right?

More festive.

Anyway, Rawhead Rex
is chomping his way

through the
residential caravan park,

and one of the great
supporting characters in horror,

the verger, Declan,
is getting lasered

by that weird stained-glass
window in the church

and turning into
a Rawhead Rex fanboy.

And Declan O'Brien
is played by Ronan Wilmot,

well-known London theater actor
who is still working today.

Reverend Coot, however,
is no longer with us.

He passed away in 2019
at the age of 90.

But that's Niall Toibin,

and he was not just
a famous stage actor.

He did play Lucky
in the Peter O'Toole production

of "Waiting for Godot,"

but he was kind of
an Irish icon.

He was actually
the ambassador of Ireland

at the 2003 Saint Patrick's
Day Festival in London.

So, Darcy,
why does Rawhead Rex

kill Dennis and chew him up

but he does not kill
Dennis' wife, Jenny?

And why does he kill Andy
but not his girlfriend, Katrina?

-Do you want me
to do spoilers?

-I just think it's interesting
that Clive Barker creates

an angry, vicious penis monster
that only goes after men.

-Nobody ever said
Clive Barker was vanilla.

-True. So he made his point.
I guess so.

Speaking of folk horror,

that's what we're dealing with
in "Rawhead Rex,"

and folk horror is very trendy,

ever since Ari Aster made
his movie "Midsommar" in 2019.

Or if you're a purist--

I got corrected at a convention
last year

for not saying "Mid-so-marr."

Folk horror--
-I'm never saying that.

-Folk horror is any story

where modern civilization
has to deal with

the ancient pagan world.

Most people say
folk horror started

with the 1973 Christopher Lee
film "The Wicker Man."

Christopher Lee considered that
the greatest film he ever made.

He played the leader
of the pagan island

of Summerisle
in remote Scotland.

But, actually, I don't think
that was the first one.

Vincent Price
in "Witchfinder General."

Actually, there was another one.

The cultists in
"The Blood on Satan's Claw."

Both of those movies
came out in 1968.

Anyway, folk horror
is always about someplace

where paganism has survived
into modern times,

in this case in the form
of an ancient rune

that was guarding
the grave of a creature

called Rawhead Rex
that's basically...

Rawhead Rex is basically
a land shark.

All appetite.

And speaking of appetite,
I'm trying to simplify

Witches Night
for the American version.

But if we were in, say,
Uppsala, Sweden,

120,000 people will gather
to stoke that bonfire.

-Nice.
-Think about it, Darcy.

Do we even have
one Witches Night event

with 120 people attending,

much less 120,000
people attending?

Anyway, if we were
in Uppsala, Sweden,

we would be eating
all your favorite foods

around the bonfire.

-And those would be?
-Bratwurst.

Mmm! Yummy!

-Grilled sausage
of all varieties.

-Oh, yeah!

-Pork chops.
-Pork chops? Give me some.

-Deer and rabbit
on shish-kebab skewers

roasting over the open flame.

-Damn. That sounds so good.

-It's a folk-horror thing.

The meat goes with the Maibock.

-You know what? That is so cool,
but you can have that.

-Sort of like tailgating
before the Woodland Revels.

-I'm just gonna
meet you at halftime.

-Alright, Darcy,
back to the movie.

-Alright.
-Roll it.

Do you ever just chuck
the vegan thing and say,

"Oh, hell yes.
Mustard me up a chili dog."

-No.
-You ever do that?

Just for one time?
-Why would I? No.

-Witches Night
is all about losing control.

-Well, that I can do.

-You just can't do it with me.

-Uh, I don't think I said that.

-Wally isn't afraid
of a little meat.

-And neither is Darcy.

-Off we went
to have our dinner.

-Just hang on there, gentlemen.

The officer in charge of
the case is arriving just now.

He'd like to ask you
a few questions.

-That's alright.

How long's he been dead?

-I'd estimate under 24 hours.

Apparently he was
trying to move this stone.

-Witnesses?
-Two local men.

They'd been helping him
clear the field.

When they left here,
he was fine.

This is number three.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Morning.

-Who's that?

-Uh, excuse me.
I'd like to report

something I saw last night.
Who do I speak to?

-Yeah. Just go in there.
It's the last door on the right.

-On the right?
-Yeah. That's right.

-Any statement's
going to be pure conjecture.

-Somebody wants to speak
to the man in charge.

-He'll have to wait.
-Yes, of course.

-Oh. Would you mind
waiting a moment, sir?

-I'll get right back to you.

Yes. Promptly, sir.

-Somebody to, uh...
-I heard. Come in.

-Uh, this is
Mister, um-- Mister, um--

-Hallenbeck. Howard Hallenbeck.

-Inspector Gissing.
What can I do for you?

-Well, I heard about
the murders last night.

And I think
maybe I saw something.

-Oh?
-But I'm not exactly sure what.

-We're looking for more than
one perpetrator, Mr. Hallenbeck.

-What I saw wasn't human.

-I beg your pardon.

-At least I don't think it was.

It was very tall. I mean, it--
Much too big to be a man.

-How big?

-Eight foot. Nine foot.

-I really don't have time to--
-Look I saw this.

Just let me speak. Okay?
I saw it.

And what's more, it saw me.

This...thing...

was watching me.

It fixed me with these
mean, burning red eyes.

Alright. I know how this sounds.

Believe me, I know.

But I saw it.

-Was this on the road?

-No, no. See, I was in a road.
It was up a field.

-Cattle then. You saw cattle.

-Oh, I know what cattle
look like, for Christ's sake!

-Darkness can be deceptive.

-Alright. I came here
to tell you something.

Now, I saw something.
I don't know what it is.

But it was there.

And it's out there right now.
So what do you want to do?

-Well, if you want
to give a statement

to Officer Conroy here...

-Forget it. Just forget it.

-Sir, maybe we ought to
look at what he's saying.

-Tea?
-No, none for me.

Look, I was wondering
about the parish records.

-Yes, a curious thing, that.

They appear to have been
removed from the premises.

-What do you mean? Stolen?

Well, so it seems.

Though I frankly can't see why.

Again, I'm sorry
I can't be more helpful.

-Thanks anyway.

Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

-Alright. There it is.

Strangest thing.

Alright, handsome. Smile.

"Death...

walks...

fearing..." what?

"Death walks..."

"Death goes in fear...

itself...

never became."

"Death goes in fear...

...of what it cannot be."

"Goes in fear...

...of what it cannot be."

Ohh!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

-Oh, dear!

-What did you do that for?

-Get the fuck outta here.

There's nothing here for you!

You fucking...

-Yeah, I'll get
the fuck out of here.

And you be very fucking glad.

That's a little present for you.
You goddamn maniac.

-Finally.

God. It took you long enough.

-Well, checking out
is always a major adventure.

-Alright.

Now, let's see
where we're going.

Okay. Where to, my lady?

-Well, I's a-havin' trouble
reading the map.

How surprising.

Your mother's having trouble
reading a map.

-I see.
Daddy's being rude again.

-Rude?
-Rude!

-Truthful.
-Rude.

-Accurate!

-♪ Dublin, oh, Dublin ♪

-Yeah.

-Icky.

-Have they got a McDonald's
in Dublin?

-Probably.

-Are we almost there?

-No, for the 15th time.

-I'm hungry!
-Huh.

You're a bottomless pit, Robbie.

-What's a bottomless pit?

-My God!

-What? What is it?

-There's something there
back in the field.

-Do you wanna go back and see?

Okay.

-What's a bottomless pit?

-Why are we going back?

-Your mother thinks
she saw something.

It's a scarecrow.

-Yes.
-What did you think it was?

- I don't know.
- It's this bloody place.

-"Bloody" place, huh? You're
sounding more Irish every day.

I think it's time we move on.

Drive, madam?
-Hm.

Please.

-You guys ready to go?

-Yeah.

-Your enthusiasm overwhelms me.

-Sir.

-What?
-We've got something.

-The Nicholson woman?

-No, sir.
She's still refusing to speak.

There's some kind of trauma
apparently.

-What then?
-It's the boy, sir.

Neil Johnson.
-He's talked?

-Not talked exactly.
-What then?

Down at the hospital, Conroy
was left to look after him

while we spoke with the parents.

The kid wouldn't say a word.
Not a word.

So Conroy gave him some stuff
to play with. Paper, pens.

-And?

-And the kid started drawing.

-God almighty!

-Maybe the Yank was right.

Maybe there
is
something out there.

-We have to stop.

-Why, honey?

-I gotta pee!

-Well, we're not going back.

-But I have to!

-You should have thought
of that before we left.

-I forgot.

-How can you forget?
That's stupid.

-Robbie!

-Okay, it's too far
to the next town,

so we're just gonna stop
right here.

Okay. Uh, wanna go with her?

-Oh, she's okay on her own.

Go on, Minty.

-Where?
-In the field.

Nobody will see you.

Come on, sweetheart.
We haven't got all day.

-I'm gonna go with her.

-She's okay.
-I know. I know.

-She's got to grow up
sometime, you know!

-But not till
I'm good and ready.

You see that big green bush?
-Yes.

-You go right
behind there, okay?

-Okay.
-Now, hurry up, sweetheart.

-You mustn't look!
-I won't look. I won't look.

Now, go ahead. Go ahead.
Now, hurry up.

Just go on.
Go on. That's right. Go on.

-Minty!

-It's all over now.
It's all over.

-Oh, my God. What happened?

-It's just a rabbit there.
It scared her.

-Oh, Jesus.
-Alright.

You go to Mommy now, okay?
-Sweetheart. Ohh.

-Little baby.

God, that's ugly.
-Feel alright now?

-Really disgusting. Ohh.
-You feeling better?

-Ahh.
-How's Mommy?

Mommy okay now?
-Mommy's okay.

-No. It's okay.
Crows are very bad things.

-Oh, poor little bunny.
It's gone to heaven.

-Yeah?

-Now, now.
-You wanna go back to the car?

Robbie...

-Mwah. Give me a kiss. Mwah.

-Dad! Dad!

-Robbie. No. No.
-Dad!

-No! No! You...

-N-o-o-o-o-o!

No!

Robbie! Robbie!

Robbie!

Robbie! Robbie!

No.

-Rawhead and Bloody Bones.

Steals naughty children
from their homes.

Takes them to his dirty den.

And they are never seen again.

-Wow! That was good.

-That's actually
a children's nursery rhyme

that originated in Britain
more than 800 years ago.

And it sounds to me
like it means the beast

that grabs kids from their homes

is named Rawhead
and Bloody Bones.

And Clive Barker had to
know about that, right?

-It's too close
to be a coincidence.

-So we know
from a previous scene

that Rawhead
doesn't just kidnap people

and he doesn't just kill people.

He actually eats people.

So we know little Robbie is
probably already in his stomach.

I'm not surprised the producers
did not want to get

too graphic with that scene,

but apparently Clive Barker was.

He wanted it made clear
that the giant rampaging

penis-head creature
likes to eat children.

And in fact, there's
additional eating of children

in the short story that they
decided not to use in the movie

because apparently
in the year 1986,

when you're working
with a writer

who thinks it would be cool
to kill a bunch of babies

with a giant penis-head
creature, a lot of producers go,

"I think we'll go in another
direction with this, Clive."

I mean, it's disturbing enough
with Robbie dying off camera.

I can't imagine
what would have happened

if they'd actually used a child
actor in a close-up chomp.

-I know what
would have happened.

-What?
-We'd have to put up

one of those
trigger-warning signs

that we show
before movies sometimes.

-Well, I think we only do that
for animal abuse, actually.

We don't do that
for child abuse.

-I feel like they would
do it for child eating.

-How do you feel
about the devouring

of youngsters on camera
as a mom?

-Oh, I'm fine with it.
Eat them kids. I don't care.

Okay.

Anyway, that was Hugh O'Conor
as little Robbie Hollenbeck.

He was 10 or 11 at the time.
This was his second movie.

He had co-starred
with Liam Neeson in "Lamb,"

and unlike most child actors,

he continued to work
throughout his life.

Today, he's 51 years old,
still performing in the UK.

He's had 76 movie roles.

The parents are played
by David Dukes and Kelly Piper.

Some of you
may remember Kelly Piper

from our screening of "Maniac."

She was the nurse
skewered by Joe Spinell.

Uh, David Dukes
was one of those actors

who never quite
broke through to stardom.

He was a tremendous stage actor.

He played both Frankenstein
and Dracula on Broadway.

Juilliard School of Drama.

American Conservatory Theater
in San Francisco,

where he was from.

Goodman Theatre in Chicago.

Mark Taper Forum in LA.

Nominated for a Tony.

But he played a lot
of supporting roles

and walk-ons in television.

His downfall came in 1977,

when he was the guy
on "All in the Family"

who tried to rape Edith Bunker.

-Oh, no.

-Hard to come back
as a leading man

after you're known for that.

But somehow he did,
in this role.

-Yeah.
-But he died early

at the age of 55

while he was filming
a Stephen King project

in Washington state.

It was that, um,
"Rose Red" miniseries.

Heart attack
on the tennis court.

Um, Kelly Piper.
She also left us early.

She passed away in 2009
at the age of 59.

She had a very short career.
Only seven movies.

This was the final movie
for her.

But, Darcy.
-Yes.

-I feel like I'm not doing
a very good job

of pimping Walpurgisnacht.

-Witches Night.
-Witches Night.

I'm assuming everybody watched

our four previous
Walpurgisnacht shows.

Maybe I should review
those shows.

-Or don't.
-I...

Well, to give people
all the history

of how the pagan festival
of Beltane...

-We really don't need
to review it.

Everyone remembers, I promise.

-Well, how they turned into--

They turned Beltane
into Walpurgisnacht

by the Catholic Church

because people were
getting too crazy on Beltane.

And maybe if I reviewed
all the folk traditions

of the Central European people
that relate to Beltane--

-Everyone remembers
all of those, too.

-So I'll just remind everybody
of the basics.

Walpurgisnacht, or Beltane,
is the pagan holiday

exactly six months
after Samhain, or Halloween,

and they're the two most
important Celtic holidays

because it's the time
when the world of the living

and the world of the dead
get very close together

and you can cross over and
the dead can talk to the living,

but also you can get pulled
into demonic arenas,

which is why the witches fly
to the Brocken on this night

and why the good,
upright Christian people

try to kill the witches
before they can get airborne.

Does that about sum it up?

-That was good. You nailed it.

-Plus, students love it

because alcohol
and naked dancing, so...

-Why do you--
Why do you specify students?

-Well, in a lot of places,

this is basically
a college-student thing.

'Cause college students
go nutzoid all night.

-Ah.
-European college students.

I feel it's not
just European college students

that like witches,
alcohol, and strippers.

-True, but students can
take it to the next level.

I used to rank
the party schools.

We had this top-ten list
every year.

-Ooh. Who won?

-Well, actually,
it was always a toss-up

between Chico State
in California

and Northern Arizona University
in Flagstaff.

-And did you verify that
they were the party champions?

-Well, I never had
the opportunity

to actually go to Chico State...

-Not too late.
-...or Northern Arizona,

but this one dormitory
at Northern Arizona

sent me a document proving

that they had set the world
record for alcohol probation.

-Which is?
-I have no idea, but I...

But just judging by the name,
I accept that as valid evidence

of party-school credentials,
so...

-I think we're way off topic.

-Is that your suggestion
that we go back to the movie?

-It is.
-Back to the movie.

Roll it!

I actually-- I would
nominate my own school

as one of the great redneck
party schools of America.

-I don't think that people
go to Vanderbilt to party.

-Do you know, Darcy,

what happened
on October the 5th, 2024,

at FirstBank Stadium
in Nashville?

-You are gonna
talk about that again?

-I'm not gonna
talk about the game.

-Okay. I-- Honestly--
-When we beat Alabama.

I'm not gonna
talk about that game.

-I know what
you're gonna talk about.

-Okay.

At the conclusion

of the overwhelmingly
impressive victory

of the Vanderbilt Commodores

over the number-one-ranked
team in the country, Alabama,

the student body
tore down the goalposts.

Both goalposts.

Carried said goalposts
two miles.

Two miles, people!

They carried the goalposts
to this point

in downtown Nashville

overlooking
the Cumberland River.

And to accomplish that,
they had to defy

numerous
law-enforcement personnel.

They had to penetrate
five actual roadblocks.

They had to celebrate
in such a wild manner

that the NCAA fined
Vanderbilt University $100,000,

which is the record.

That's unprecedented.

That $100,000 fine for failure
to enforce crowd control

enshrines Vanderbilt forever

as the most redneck college
in America.

-Wow.

-Well, think of it this way.

The Cumberland River is
due east of the campus, right?

So you could say
that the Vanderbilt student body

reenacted the entire plot

of "Smokey and the Bandit"
that day.

They're evading arrest.
They're baiting the cops.

They're vaulting over obstacles.

They're consuming
massive quantities of alcohol.

They're refusing every order

issued by every
authority figure.

They're destroying property
everywhere they go

in the capital
of country music!

And when they reach
the Cumberland River,

they dump both goalposts
into the water.

So look at that route.
The route the goalposts took.

What is it?

-Go ahead and say it.

-It's eastbound.
-Yes.

-And then at the river,
it's down.

Eastbound and down!
-It is.

-In the words of Jerry Reed,

we're gonna do
what they say can't be done.

-Congratulations.
-The Vanderbilt student body

would know what to do
with Witches Night.

-Hell yeah, they would.
Go, Commodores!

-Go, Commodores.
-Whoo!

-Look. Please.
-I have a job to do!

-Yeah, we all have a job to do.
-Give us a break, will ya?

-Fine. Okay.
-Just one or two shots, right?

-Here he is now.

Let's get the whole situation.
Now, come along.

-Is it true
the army's been moved in?

-I have no comment.
-Is there any connection

between the murders?

-Yes. They're all dead.

-Is the army being moved in?

-Why don't you all
get the hell out of here?

-Come along, now.
-What have you
got up there, Detective?

Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Go ahead. Answer the man.

Go ahead. What have you got?

I know nothing.

-Look, mister.
-Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

-We're doing all we can.
-Too late.

Too goddamn late!

-Obviously, we'd appreciate
your assistance.

-Oh. Well, I've given
your man here everything.

Every sickening detail.

We've done maps.
We've done drawings.

-It's the same
as what the boy saw, sir.

-What in God's name is it?

-Of course,
darkness can be deceptive.

-I was wrong.
I'll grant you that.

-Aw. Thanks.
-Believe me.

We're gonna find
your son's killer.

The valley's being searched by
armed officers. We'll find it.

-I bet it has hiding places
you couldn't even guess at.

You wanna know why?
-Enlighten me.

-I think it belongs here.
I think this is its home.

From way back.
-Then we've got it, haven't we?

If this is his territory,

it'll come back,
sooner or later.

All we have to do is wait.

-Wait?! Wait for what?!

More of your mistakes?!
More slaughter?!

-Look, Mr. Hallenbeck,
we understand how you feel.

-You have no idea how I feel!

Your goddamn stupidity

is the reason my son is dead.

Now, do you...understand that?

I'll get the goddamn thing
myself!

-Look, Hallenbeck--
-Go to hell!

Just go right to hell!

I'm sorry.

I have to go out.
I'll be back.

-Okay.

-They buried him alive!

-What?
-The devil.

They put him in the earth,
deep down.

They thought he'd die, you see.

Thought they could
forget about him.

But the dark ones come back.

They always do.

-This window...
-Useless to fight.

-What does it represent?
-Nothing!

The devil's won.

-Wait a minute.
-Declan.

-See?

You've nothing left
to fight with.

-I've just heard about your son.

My condolences.

-These windows.
When were these put in?

-You can think of windows
at a time like this?

-Just when were
the windows put in?

-Well, they were made
and remade several times.

The church was badly damaged
in the 1860's.

A lot of the glass
was lost or replaced.

It's a bit of a jigsaw puzzle.

It wasn't a very good job.

Some of the fragments were...

This is not just
academic interest, is it?

-Oh, you're damn right,
it isn't.

That thing killed my son!

I stood there
and watched him do it!

It's not human, that thing.

If I was your friend Declan,
I'd say that was the devil.

-But you don't believe
in the devil.

-No, I don't believe
in the devil.

But something started the rumor.

I knew it. That's it.
It just didn't fit.

-What?

-That's the missing piece.

Look, look, look.
This image doesn't fit there.

But look at this.

There's one hand...

and there's the other one.

-So...

-I think this guy
in the picture,

I think he beat
the creature once before.

-This is paganism!

-Oh. Would you just look at it?

It's as plain
as the nose on your face!

That is what I saw.
That is what killed my son.

And that is out there
right now, ready and waiting.

-Please! You're distraught!

-God damn it!
Don't you humor me!

-Mr. Hallenbeck,
this is Christ's house.

-It wasn't always his, was it?

-We couldn't see much,
of course,

even with the torches,

but I had a pretty good idea
what was going on.

-Why was that?

-Smelled the blood.

-Really?!

-Certainly.

It had a coppery smell about it.
You couldn't miss it.

-Jesus! What was that?!

-Shh! Go on.

-Then, of course,
we found the body.

-Aah!

-What's going on?!

Jesus!

Go on! Go!

-Alright. Keep calm. Keep calm.

-Felt like an earthquake.
-Where's the door?

Kick it out.

Get out here.

-What is it, Tom?!

-Somebody get the police!
Get the police!

-Here, you bastard!

-Oh, God, no! Mary!

I got you!

-Shoot it! Come on! Shoot it!

-Well?
-Yes, we've got it, sir.

-Where?
-At the caravan park.

-Get the cars around the front.
-On my way.

-We'll be right there. Mm-hmm.

-You see, it's territorial.
I told you so.

-Where do you think
you're going?
-I'm going with you.

-Oh, no, you're not.
-You can't stop me.

-Conroy, hold this man.
-Mr. Hallenbeck--

-Get your hands off me!
-Howard, please!

Just stay here with us.

-God almighty!

-It went over there!
Towards the village!

-Get ambulances.
-Right!

-Move!

-You wanna go back to the hotel?

Elaine?

You wanna go back to the hotel?

-No.

--You'd be more
comfortable there.

-Only if you come.

-No. I'm gonna talk to Gissing.

Let him do his job.

-I want him to make
house-to-house inquiries.

They know something,
these people.

-What are you talking about?

-He's been here before,
this-- this thing.

In Rathmorne.

And these people, they beat him.
Look at this.

This is a stained-glass window
in their church.

Do you see?
He's being done in

by whatever it is
the hooded figure's holding.

Now, it looks like a tablet, but
it's a missing piece of glass.

That's the missing piece.

I think there's other
missing pieces, too.

It's like the handle
of a knife or a sword or...

...something.

But it's a weapon.

-Weapon?
-Yeah.

If I can find it...

I can do that goddamn thing in.

-You know, it's one thing
to devour children.

It's quite another to wantonly
destroy entire trailer parks.

Rawhead Rex must die.

Darcy, have we ever had a movie
where the cops knew

what they were doing?

-Of course not.
What fun would that be?

-And speaking of fun,
we're getting close to midnight,

and that's when
the pagan revels began,

and that means it's time for --
You want to guess?

-Mead! Whoo!
-Mead!

It's all about pagan revels,

and Walpurgisnacht
requires pagan reveling,

and no witch festival is
complete without mead,

especially since
the honey, the herbs,

the spices in the mead
are all about getting

people drunk who
normally don't get drunk,

especially the witches.

You were waiting on the mead,
weren't you, Darcy?

-I am so ready for the mead.
-You knew the mead was coming.

-I did. Because you told me
on the last break.

-Those of you
who are working from

our Walpurgisnacht drink menu,

it's time to break out the
Staropolskie

Which, if you've been
consuming your Maibock

through the first four segments
of "Rawhead Rex,"

you will not be able
to pronounce this.

But the name we're going with
is the trojniak,

the name they use in Poland,
where this is fermented and aged

in the city of Lublin,

the historic center
of European mead-making,

where they're so careful
about the honey

that goes into the drink
that they raise their own bees.

And, by the way,
this is not a craft revival.

The 328,000 residents
of Lublin, Poland,

all say fuck craft revivals!

The APIS beekeepers cooperative

makes trojniak
using the same recipe

and the same procedures
used in the 1200s, okay?

Now, once again,
some of you were too lazy

to order the traditional
hardcore trojniak,

so I did give you
that second option

of buying
Pasieka Jaros Trybunalski.

The Jaros family in the tiny
Polish village of Laziska

uses traditional medieval
methods and their own bees

to make a trojniak
in these ceramic bottles

called
Pasieka Jaros Trybunalski.

It's much harder to say
but easier to find.

So if you want to tip
your little ceramic bottle,

that's okay.

I also gave you guys
a ridiculous option

if you frittered away the time
and forgot to order your mead.

And, of course,
that option is Redstone.

Available just about everywhere.

Redstone is a large meadery
in Boulder, Colorado,

that uses the term "honey wine."

This thing-- Can you
get this thing off, Darcy?

-No.
-How do you do this?

-Magic. Ahh.
-Anyway...

I don't want to drink it anyway.

But, um, they call it honey wine
instead of mead.

Who knows why? It's mead.

They sell it in flavors
like blueberry, apple,

juniper berry, boysenberry.

Their original
and most popular offering

is Barrel Aged Black Raspberry
Mountain Honey Wine.

I think that's the one we got.

Yeah. "Traditional Honey Wine."

The only one that comes
within a million miles

of traditional mead
is the one they market

as "Traditional Mountain
Honey Wine,"

which has the added advantage
of having

a higher alcohol content
than the others.

So if you wimped out,
time to break out the Redstone.

Okay. Darcy...

Um...
-Yes?

-Let's go. Here's one.
I'm gonna...

Wait a minute.
No. Have this one.

Have the
"Paros Jerelski Trudge..."
...one.

And...
-That's the one we're drinking?

-We're drinking-- We're gonna
drink all three of them.

-Even though--
Even the wimpy one?

-Yeah, if I can open it. We're--

You know,
we're on our way out.

This is our last Witches Night.

We need to get nasty
with the liquor.

-Let's get nasty, baby.

-This is what went wrong
in Rathmorne.

-The town in the movie?
-Absolutely.

If they'd have been doing
their pagan revels
in the proper manner,

Rawhead Rex would have been--

Rawhead Rex would have been
coming out of the ground

once a year on Beltane,
eating one baby,

going back underground.

Instead, the village decides to
bury him alive, puts a rune up.

It was only a matter of time
before a farmer gets tired

of plowing around the rune,
he knocks it over,

and he unleashes
the raw head of Rawhead.

So now he's pissed. He's
not going back in that hole.

You got a permanent,
hungry penis creature

in your town square.

-I am actually okay with that.

-Drink your mead, Darcy.
-I'm afraid.

It's really sweet.

-Well, yeah. We're gonna get
to the good stuff later, though.

-No, I mean,
I like it, actually.

-Good! Well, we have
several gallons of it, so...

And it's all yours, Darcy.

-Whoo!

I am going to get
as spry as fuck as you do.

-Really?
-Let's do it.

That was only that one time
that I did that.

-Was it?
-Back to the movie.

You should be grateful I'm not
trying to kill you this year.

Two of the years,
I was trying to kill you.

-Well, you can't call it
Witches Night

and then try
to kill the witches.

-Well, you can't.
In other words,

you want it to be
Witches Cosplay Night.

-Well, yeah.
-You don't want to
take any of the risk.

-What?! I just want everyone
to express their inner witch.

-Their inner witch?
What about the men?

What do we do?
-Men can be witches.

-I'm anti-witch.

How are you gonna
get this into your head?

I'm Vincent Price
in "Witchfinder General."

-Okay, well, then wear
a Pilgrim outfit

and you'll look super cute.

-Nobody looks super cute
in a pilgrim outfit.

-I disagree.

-You
might, you know.

See, that's the problem with
being Witchfinder General.

The witches are always cheating
by the way you dress.

-What? A hat!

-Stop the car!

Where is he?!
-We probably passed him.

He'd never have gone
this far on foot.

-Damn him!
-What shall I do?

-Turn around. Let's go back.
-Yes, sir.

-Holy Jesus!
-Christ!

-No! No! No!

-Y-Yes.

For you.

-Uh, Mr. Hallenbeck?

-Gissing here yet?
-He's very busy at the moment.

-Listen. It's very important
that I talk to him.

-Mr. Hallenbeck,
you've already made

your feelings perfectly clear.

The inspector will see you
as soon as he can.

Oh, in the meantime,
can I get you a cup of tea?

-Why don't you go fuck yourself?

-Hm. I'll pass
that suggestion along.

-Oh. You do that.

-You came!

-Quickly! Whoever's close!

-I can't hear a word
you're saying. Who is this?

-Get over here quickly!

-Who is this?

Reverend, is that you?
Well, where are you?!

-The church, damn you!

-Control to Inspector Gissing.

Control to Inspector Gissing.

Is Inspector Gissing there?!

-There's no escape!

-Keep your voice down.
He's in the rectory.

-You think I don't know?

I see what he sees.

He wants you, you know.

Wants to baptize you!

-You're out of your mind!
-No!

I simply saw the light.

-Declan, you are
one of God's teachers!

-God?! Ha ha ha ha!

He
is
God!

The parish records!

-He was here before Christ,
before civilization!

He was king here!

No! Gissing went after it!
We're trying to organize...

-I just got a call
from the reverend!
It's down at the church!

-The church?
I-It's down at the church.

Yeah, we're on our way!

-Rawhead.

That's what they called him!

Rawhead!

-You stay here.

-No. No, no, no, Declan.
Wait. Wait. Declan, wait.

Think. Think.

It doesn't care about you!

When it's finished with you,
what will it do with you?

-Kill me, I hope!

-Declan, for the love of God!

-Get upstairs, fuckface!

I can't keep God waiting!

-You did this?!

-I am going to destroy it all.

He wants me to take it apart
piece by piece!

-You wouldn't dare!

-He's not scared!

-Why doesn't he come in
and do it personally?

-I think your god
is
afraid, Declan!

-No.
-Yes.

Afraid to set foot
in Christ's house!

-No!

Your pathetic little shepherd
has no hold on him.

Or me!

I know my real master
when I see him.

And so will you!

-Declan, no!

-Get back.

-Will we rush the church, sir?

-No. Just stand by.

-This is holy ground!

-God's ground!

-Oh, Jesus.

-What was that?!
-Hey.

-Keep them back,
out of the line of fire!

-Come on back!
Back! Come on!

Come on, sir. Out the way now.
Stay back!

Stay back here!
-Targets!

-Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

-He's got the vicar! Ohh!

-Kill the murdering bastard!

-Oh, no! The poor soul!

-Can we shoot the bastard, sir?

-We may hit the old man.

-Kill the bastard!

-He's dead already! Look at him!

-No, he-- he's still moving.

-Jesus, have mercy on his soul!

-No!

-Ready!

Fire!

-For you! For you!

-For you! For you!

-I can't just stay here.
I have to do something.

-Howard, no!

-You know,
it's perversely satisfying

that the entire police force
of Rathmorne

gets incinerated
in that church scene.

These are not
just clueless cops.

This is a whole football team
of poster boys

for law-enforcement
incompetence.

One thing director
George Pavlou was proud of

is he set the all-time record

for the number of people
on fire at the same time.

-Whoo!
-There were 13 stuntmen

in fire suits in that one scene,
all burning simultaneously,

whereas the previous
record holder...

You want to know what it was?

"The Towering Inferno."

They had a mere six people
burning at the same time.

-Pshh! Tower?

-Plus, the Inspector Gissing
becomes a Rawhead worshipper

and willingly sacrifices
himself to the beast.

So Clive Barker is not satisfied
with just taking down

the church and Christianity.

He goes after every authority
figure in rural Ireland

and kind of suggests
that they're all responsible

for their fate
because they knew Rawhead

was underground all this time.

It's a movie about
suppressed desires.

And the only guy
not suppressing his desires

is Declan the verger
in one of the greatest

chew-the-scenery roles
in horror history.

And once again,
that actor is Ronan Wilmot,

who said he gladly
took that creature urine

in the infamous baptism scene

because "I am a professional."

-Okay.

-So let's hear it--
Let's hear it for Ronan.

-Ronan!
-And before we watch

the electric conclusion
of "Rawhead Rex"--

And I mean that literally.

Before we watch that,

I do want to mention
that the rest of the night

we're gonna be getting into
some serious

boozin', burnin', and bunkin',
the three B's of Witches Night.

And so I do want to warn you,

if you're staying with us
through the second movie,

I got to talk about
the banned drinks.

Don't just start drinking
anything that's in your house.

If you drink anything
on this list,

you will be banished
from Walpurgisnacht

and/or flogged
with a ceremonial mace, okay?

You cannot drink...

craft beer.

Craft anything.

Wine spritzers.

Any wine recommended
by Robert Parker.

-Who's Robert Parker?

-A snooty dude
who rates wine.

-Okay.
-Candy-flavored liqueurs.

Jolly Rancher shots.

-Those sound good, actually.

What?!
-You're not helping.

-Sorry.
-Butterscotch schnapps.

Flavored vodka.
-Hey!

-Yeah, I do remember
that cotton-candy vodka

you poured for the crowd
in Tampa.

-Tampa!

-We'll be having
none of that tonight.

-Aww.
-In fact, flavored anything.

Margaritas, martinis,
fireballs, hard seltzers.

-I've seen you
order a margarita.

-Not on Walpurgisnacht.
-Okay.

-Here's the rule of thumb.

If they didn't drink it in the
year 1400, don't drink it now.

And don't make me
tell you again.

Roll the movie.
-Wow!

I think you should allow
fruity drinks.

-Fruity drinks? Why?

-For the revels.
-Revels?

What do fruity drinks
have to do with revels?

-Where do they sell
the most fruity drinks?

-Where do they sell the most?
I don't know.

-Strip clubs, where everyone
gets in the mood for revels.

-You mean drinks like--

have weird names like
Sex on the Beach and...

-Yeah, and flavored vodka
and body shots.

-You're making sense, Darcy.
-Thank you.

-What's in a body shot?
-I mean, who cares?

-Okay. Strip-club cocktails
are allowed.

-Whoo!

-Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

-Hallenbeck! Over here!

-Get some help!
He's bleeding to death!

-Jesus. Dear God.

-Stay in the church!

-What's he saying?!
-Shut up!

-The altar.

It-- It-- Afraid.

Something...

...in the altar.

-You go back to the station. My
wife and my daughter are there.

-I'll look after them.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ!

What the fuck do you want?
Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here!

-It's afraid of something.
What?! What is it afraid of?

-He-- He got into the altar.

I couldn't stop him.

But you can kill him.

-There he is! There!

-Okay, sweetheart. Let's do it.

-Okay. Do it.

Come on.

-Do it.

-Now! Kill the fucker! Now!

Aah!

Take me! Yes!

Ahh...

-Oh, my God!

-Elaine, get out of here!
Get out! Get out!

-Howard!

-A woman.

It had to be a woman.

-Ohh!

-It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

-It's okay. It's okay.

We can go home now.

It's all over now.
It's all over.

-Okay, so the only way
to kill the monster

is to find
the secret compartment

in the altar
that nobody has mentioned

until the last five minutes
of the movie

and get a stone figure
of a woman

that emits blue bolts
of electricity

but only if it's wielded
by a woman.

Otherwise, Rawhead
can just chew the head

off anybody in the cast.

But now we know
why he couldn't bring himself

to kill the pregnant Jenny
in the earlier scene.

Or maybe we don't know that.

We only know that because
we have the original short story

from "Books of Blood,"
wherein we discover

that Rawhead
hates and fears women.

They repel him.

And especially any depiction
or reminder of fertility.

And so that stone talisman
that Elaine raises over her head

is a pregnant woman.

So the whole movie
is an attack on families.

But the main difference
between the short story

and the movie is that
the story is extremely graphic,

extremely sexual,
extremely fetishistic.

And actually in the book,
it's the villagers

that use that talisman
to kill the monster.

The whole village attacks him.

But, unfortunately,
George Pavlou

was never able to film that

because his budget
was sliced in half.

It started at 3.2 million
and ended up at 1.6 million.

And he ran out of money,

and the crew
walked off the set

right before
they filmed the ending.

So, George was
apparently new to directing.

Otherwise, he would know
that you never wait

till the end of a shoot
to shoot the ending of the movie

because of situations
just like that one.

So, how about
those lightning bolts?

-Yeah! Whoo!

-Good job of pasting some
cutouts on the screen, right?

What'd you think, Darcy?

-Well, I am really glad
that we got to share this one

because it has been one of
our most requested titles

throughout the whole years.

And I love the monster.
He's so beautiful.

-The lightning bolts, though.
That didn't bother you?

-It's indie filmmaking.
It's fine.

-Okay, well, it's getting close
to the witching hour,

and that means
that all the great

Witches Night
cities and towns and villages

have already experienced
the miracle of Walpurgisnacht

because they're
in earlier time zones.

I looked up
what the top ten nations are

for Walpurgisnacht...

...knowing, of course,
that the United States

is not one of them.

And the answer, in order...

Germany, Sweden, Finland,

Czech Republic,
Denmark, Estonia,

Poland, Norway,
Austria, Switzerland.

Why should these places have
a monopoly on witches, Darcy?

-They shouldn't.
-But anyway...

the witches hour is the time
when the bonfire rages,

the witches arrive
at the Brocken.

They break out the liqueurs.

-The liqueurs. How fancy!

-It just means shots.
-Body shots?

-Shots. Body shots?
-Yeah.

-All kinds of shots.
It's almost shots time.

And shots time leads to
running off into the woods.

-Are we running off
into the woods?

-Well, we have to do the show,
so we can't immediately...

-Well, 'cause the last time
we ran off into the woods,

it didn't end well.

-You have to
bring that up again?

-Yes, I do.
-Surely you have

more pertinent business
to do, Darcy.

Like Mailbag, maybe?
-Actually, I do.

But I'm just reminding you

that you don't really want
one of
those
pictures again.

-No, I don't.

-But here.
Wally has a letter for you.

-Oh.
-It's from Caris O'Malley

of Spokane, Washington.

-Alright.

-Good job!

-What do we got here?

Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob,
I'm writing from a cheap motel

about a block away from the
Hollywood Theatre in Portland.

This room smells awful funny,
but I'm stoked to be here

for the re-release of
'Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In.'"

This letter is dated
October the 20th, 2025,

which was the official
release date for

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In."

And we had a big party
in Portland,

which is where Dark Horse
is based, the publisher,

and it was made
even more exciting by everybody

waiting on the imminent arrival
of the National Guard.

It turned out to be a bust.
They never showed up.

Anyway, thanks, Caris,
for driving all that way
to be at that party.

"I'm one of those
'MonsterVision' kids

who seem to write in so often.

Every episode of
'The Last Drive-In'

transports me back to 1995,

when the only other person
still awake in the whole world

was this sarcastic cowboy
on TNT.

It's been a true joy
to introduce

my own children to your show,

a decision that has gotten me
many a side-eye

from other parents.

Yes, I was that guy who drove

his 11- and 13-year-old
daughters

to the Panida Theatre
in Sandpoint

to behold the magic that is
'How Rednecks Saved Hollywood.'"

-Oh, not Sandpoint.
-One of the strangest places.

You remember that?
-Yes.

-One of the strangest places
I've ever done the show.

Thanks for coming to
that.
Mm-hmm.

-"Anyway, enough rambling.

I'm writing to tell you
about an online resource

I've created
that you might find useful.

I have long been afflicted
with a love

for holiday-themed
horror movies...
-Yay.

-...which has only
been exacerbated

by your holiday specials
on Shudder.

To save myself time
from googling

'new Christmas horror movies'
every December,

I've created
HolidayHorrorDatabase.com,

a site that I lovingly curate
for others

suffering from
this peculiar condition.

It would be wonderful
to think of you

using it as a tool for
planning your holiday specials

on 'The Last Drive-In.'

Drive-In will never die.

Caris O'Malley.
Spokane, Washington."

And apparently
Caris is also a novelist

because he included
his latest horror novel

from Eraserhead Press in a
series called Bizarro Authors.

And, yes, Caris,
I will definitely

be using that database

because finding Christmas
horror films for the show

is a yearly agonizing process
we do go through

with mixed success,

and I hope people
will see this and look it up

and add some new titles
that we haven't found yet.

HolidayHorrorDatabase.com.

All one word.

HolidayHorrorDatabase.com.

And I guess that's it

for the first half of
the Witches Night Special.

Please hang around for
our nightcap movie, "Oddity,"

coming up
after a few commercials.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs,
speaking for myself

and for Darcy the Mail Girl

when I say that
when you do your taxes...

pigs get fat,
hogs get slaughtered

And the Drive-In will never die.

-What?

-Darcy, you know, we're nearing
the end of our Shudder run.

Maybe you should-- Maybe--

Maybe you should
laugh at my jokes?

-Oh, sorry. Okay.

Let me finish a fruity drink
real quick,

and then I can do that for you.

-Really?
You're really gonna laugh?

-Let's go. Let's do it.
-Alright.

Um, my cellphone accidentally

took a 10-minute video
of my shoes yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage.

-Ha ha ha! Footage! Wow.

Good? Is that good?

-No.
-I'll try...

-I made a paper airplane,
but it wouldn't fly.

It was just stationery.

-Like the paper!
I get it! Oh, my God!

-Yeah!
-Paper!

-I just walked past a man
who kept saying,

"One, three, five, seven, nine."

I thought to myself, "How odd."

-Ha. Ha. Ha.

-'Cause they're odd numbers!
-What?!

Oh. I didn't get it at first.
Sorry.

-Somebody told me
my clothes were gay.

I said, "Yeah, they came out
of the closet this morning."

-Okay. I actually
did laugh at that one.

-I was at the airport,
and my friend suggested

we disguise ourselves
as luggage.

I said,
"Let's not get carried away."

-You're making
this really hard.

-Wait. I should be
telling witch jokes.

-Alright. Do it.
-This is Witches Night.

I should be telling witch jokes.

-I'll laugh at every witch joke.

-Oh.

Why was the witch's
résumé denied?

She couldn't spell.

-Wow! Good one.

-What do you call two witches
sharing an apartment?

Broommates.

-So good. So good.

-Why do witches fly on brooms?
-I don't know.

-'Cause vacuum cleaners
are too heavy.

-That's true!

-How do witches stay in shape?
-That makes sense.

-They get lots of hexercise.

-Hm.

-Come on, you guys. Laugh.

-Yeah, that's right! Ha ha! Hey!

-What do witches
put on their bagels?

-Scream cheese!
-Scream cheese!

-You knew that one!
-Sorry. Sorry.

I did know that one.

-Where can you learn
how to be a witch?

Wiccapedia.

-Break it down.
That's rough.

-I did the best I could.