Original subtitles

-You know, when I was a kid,

we lived so far out in the country

that the sun set between our house and town.

But if you go there now, there's a hyperscale data center.

You know what a hyperscale data center is?

It's a bunch of computers so sophisticated that no matter

where you are in the world, the bank can still put you on hold.

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

-Okay, Darcy. I'm sick of pussyfooting around.

It's time to get really, really serious about this.

-No. -Did you say no?

-No, you're already too serious.

-Ever since my trailer got repo'd,

there's no time to waste on this.

So look at us.

We got kicked out of the trailer park.

That's one reason I'm showing a movie tonight

that has a trailer park in it.

-When one door closes, two doors open.

-Who said that?

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

-I don't know, I just mean, we're going to be fine.

-Okay.

I'm going to put it to you this way, Darcy.

-Okay. -This is very important.

Listen. -All right.

-What is going on in the following cities next week

that is not going on anywhere in North America?

-What cities?

-Thale, Wernigerode, Quedlinburg,

Heidelberg, and Berlin.

What's going on there?

-People will be speaking German.

-And the Brocken forgot to mention the Brocken.

All this mountain area is the Brocken.

-I know. I can't go this year,

but I put on the uniform for tonight.

-You call that the uniform for going to the Brocken?

-Yeah. I have a hat. It's witch's night.

-See, Darcy, you are part of the problem.

Nobody's going to want to kill the witches

when you're dressed like that.

-We don't dress for mere humans.

-Oh, yeah. You don't dress for humans.

What do you dress for?

-We dress for the prince.

-Once again and for the last time on Shudder,

I am pleading, people, I am begging,

I am appealing to the family

that has grown up around this show.

We have to start celebrating the holiday known in Europe

as the second Halloween,

the Celtic fire festival of Beltane,

which has come down through history,

renamed by the Catholic Church as Walpurgisnacht

in honor of Saint Walpurgis, who was a nun who hated witches.

-Ew, what a bitch.

-So the first thing we're going to do this year

is we're going to get rid of that name.

Nobody can pronounce Walpurgisnacht.

And it sounds German anyway.

-Because it is.

-It actually is German. And so you --

Actually you just named the holiday yourself.

From now on, this is Witch's Night.

-Okay. -We're gonna go hardcore witch with this,

and we're going to take the 11,000 traditions associated

with the holiday that I have tried to explain

in previous shows, and we're going to reduce that to three.

-And you're going to tell us what those are.

-Yes, I am. Numero uno -- Alcohol.

It's about alcohol. -Whoo!

-I'm going to get to that at the first break.

Numero two-oh -- fire.

We're going to build a bonfire from the ruins

of the "Last Drive-In" set.

-Oh, that's too sad.

-No, no, this is the gateway to partying like jungle animals.

And numero three-oh, orgiastic revels.

We're just doing those three things.

-Well, I'm in for the last one.

-And so it's all about witches.

-I thought it was about alcohol and fire.

-Alcohol and fire

lead to orgiastic revels with the witches.

-Oh, then I'm definitely in.

-All right. -Okay.

-Beltane is a complicated holiday, Darcy.

So the three B's for witches night are boozing,

burning, and bonking.

That's what you do on Walpurgisnacht.

-What else is there in life? -I know, right?

So that's why Witch's Night should be a national holiday.

Or at least an out-of-control Halloween-type event.

Instead, we have halfway to Halloween?

Really? Halfway to Halloween is Walpurgisnacht.

Look at the calendar, people.

I mean Witch's Night.

And mark my words, by this time next year,

the entire horror family will be celebrating

Witch's Night with planned events in every city in America.

-You have a plan to do that? -Yes.

By begging people. I'm going to beg people to listen to me.

-It's going to work. -Thanks for being supportive.

-You're welcome. -Later tonight,

Darcy, you're going to be fondling your broomstick

and flying to the Brocken. I'm telling you.

Because for those of you

who haven't been paying attention

for the past five years,

Walpurgisnacht is the night

that the witches fly to the Brocken,

the highest peak in the Harz Mountains of Germany,

where the devil dwells.

They fly there to cavort. Can you cavort, Darcy?

You know how to cavort? -I'm such a cavorter.

-Cavort on the witch's dance floor

and copulate with wild beasts.

Did you see any of that last year, Darcy,

when you were at the Brocken?

-I mean -- -Copulation with wild beasts?

-I didn't see everything on the Brocken,

but I would not rule it out.

-Well, the copulation with wild beasts,

that's a new one for me. I didn't know about that.

I didn't know that was part of it.

But it's especially popular with the artists

who attempt to depict Walpurgisnacht in paintings.

-As it should be. -Witch's Night, I mean.

And speaking of Celtic wild beasts...

-I can't believe it.

-Can't believe what?

-That you actually made the intro match the movie.

-I did. Thank you, Darcy.

...we have "Rawhead Rex," the 1986 folk horror

stomach turner about a beast very much like the ones

that will be sliming around the Brocken on Witch's Night.

It's the old, familiar story of the typical American family

on vacation in the Irish countryside,

who become concerned when their 10-year-old son gets eaten by

a 10-foot tall, bug-eyed mutant pig

with ridiculously enormous fangs

and the pectorals of a pro wrestler

and a bad mohawk straight out of "Mad Max."

Will the community be saved by the ancient rites

of the Irish Catholic Church?

-Never. -That's right.

I forgot you're Irish Catholic, right?

So this is the perfect Walpurgisnacht,

Witch's Night fable for you.

Be sure to tell us if anything in this movie is blasphemous.

-Everything in this movie is blasphemous

and that is what I like about it.

-Will the community be taken in by a verger

baptized with beast urine?

What's a verger do, Darcy? What is that?

-You already asked me that when we showed "The Church."

-No, when we showed "The Church,"

I asked you what a sacristan is.

Because Asia Argento's daddy was the sacristan in that movie.

-Okay, well, a verger is a sacristan.

-Okay, well, anyway,

the verger gets baptized with beast urine,

one of the most notorious scenes

in horror history, and zaniness ensues.

And sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with the complete annihilation

of an entire trailer park

by the equivalent of a redneck Godzilla?

I think not,

so let's look at those drive-in totals and get started.

We have...

Drive-In Academy Award nominations

for David Dukes as the dad who says,

"Well, what do you expect from a historian?

I prefer dead things."

Kelly Piper as the distraught mom.

Niall Toibin as the reverend who blusters, beside the point,

"This is holy ground."

Niall O'Brien as the clueless detective.

Ronan Wilmot as the shady verger who says "Rawhead.

That's what they called him. Rawhead!"

And Clive Barker, the writer,

who really believed he could put a prehistoric,

penis-shaped, baby-eating pus monster on the screen

and nobody would mess with him.

Three and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

There you go. -Good job.

-Walpurgisnacht. -Witch's Night.

-No, Witch's Night. Sorry.

We never got our dream show, though.

We never did a Witch's Night show from the actual Brocken.

-We still have time. -No, this is it, Darcy.

Either we inflame the hearts of America

with Walpurgisnacht love tonight,

or the opportunity is forever lost.

-Have a Maibock.

-I will. I'm starting with Lone Star.

Lone Star doesn't actually brew a Maibock.

You know, Maibock is a seasonal beer.

They only brew it two months a year.

But I went with the small-batch premium Lone Star.

-Does that exist? -Mnh-mnh.

-Oh, okay. -No, I made that up.

Lone Star is pretty much just Lone Star wherever you buy it.

But I'm pre-gaming for the hard stuff.

-Remember the last time you started pregaming?

-Mm. Do not bring that up again.

-Oh, we have to, Mr. Spry As Fuck.

It's a Witch's Night tradition now.

-Don't use that mug shot if you post about it.

-Oh, I don't need to.

I have the one with your shirt off.

It's way better.

-It's Walpurgisnacht.

You're supposed to take your shirt off.

-Not by ripping it off with a hot dog fork.

-What's wrong with ripping it off with a hot dog fork?

-Nothing. I'm just saying sharp implements, alcohol,

you, be careful.

-Witch's Night. Nobody be careful.

It's Witch's Night. Nobody be careful.

-Okay. Let's go.

-Let's go. -Whoo!

-Witch's Night.

Walpurgisnacht is now Witch's Night.

-Oi, haul away!

-Come on.

Come on.

-Anything?

-Go on!

-It's no bloody good.

Turn it off.

-Yeah. Go on.

-♪ All creatures of our God and King ♪

♪ Lift up your voice and with us sing ♪

♪ Alleluia, allelulia ♪

♪ Thou burning sun with golden beam ♪

♪ Thou silver moon with silver gleam ♪

♪ Oh, praise him, oh, praise him ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

-It's not going to move, Garron.

-Dennis is right. Give up.

-Maybe.

-Doesn't look too healthy.

Well, I better be getting back.

My dinner's on the table.

-Thanks anyway.

-Are you coming, Mitch?

-Yeah. Good luck.

-You made the same dinner joke.

Hey, Dad.

-Smile.

-Dad.

-What? What's the problem?

-Mom says it's gonna rain.

Why don't you stop taking damn photographs?

-Damn photographs? -Just quoting.

-Oh, just quoting. Uh-huh. I see.

Well, what would you say?

-I say I'm hungry.

-What an entirely new response from you.

-Ha ha. -Ha ha.

All right, listen, why don't you tell her,

uh, tell her about 10 minutes, okay?

-She's mad with you.

-Oh, all right, all right. Just tell her five.

Look, I have to see somebody in the church

about this site, okay?

-Then can we go home? I'm bored.

-Bored? Robbie, how can you be bored?

This is the land of your forefathers, remember?

-Yeah, and they left.

-Tell her five minutes.

Tell her I really mean it.

-Bastard.

-♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Alleluia ♪

-♪ Alleluia ♪

♪ Allelu-- ♪

Oh!

-We should get you home.

-I don't know what came over me.

-Shall we make a dash for it?

-It felt like I was burning.

-Come on.

-Can I help you?

-Oh. Yeah, I hope so.

I'm looking for a Reverend Coot.

Uh, am I saying that right, Coot?

-That's right.

But I'm not your man. I'm the verger.

-Oh, hi. I'm Howard Hallenbeck.

-Declan O'Brien.

-Tell me something. This, uh --

This Coot, he wouldn't happen to be old, would he?

Sorry.

Uh, I talked to him a couple of weeks ago,

and he said that I might, uh, take a look at the church.

-I see.

-You see, it's for a book I'm writing.

Uh, he said I might take some photographs,

maybe even look at the parish records.

-Then you'll probably find him in the rectory.

-Which is where?

-Out the door,

turn right, and it's straight ahead of you.

-Right then straight.

Thanks.

Uh...all right.

One, two, three.

-Rawhead.

-Come in, come in.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, look at this. Striking collection.

-Well, it passes the time.

Here, let me take your coat. -Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is very nice.

-Well, now, how can I help?

-Ah, well, we spoke on the phone.

I think I mentioned that the -- the book

that I'm writing is about the persistence of sacred sites

in this part of the country.

-I'm sorry. Persistence? -Yeah.

See, a lot of churches are built on sites

that have been considered sacred for some considerable time.

-Pre-Christian, you mean.

-Pre-Roman even, although that doesn't apply here in Ireland.

What I'm after are Neolithic sites,

fertility cults of one sort or the other.

-Here?

It's very possible. Yeah.

-Intriguing.

-What I'd like to do is photograph the interior

of your church, particularly those stained glass windows.

Very interesting designs.

-Of course. It's always open.

-How about your parish records?

Could I have a look at those?

-I'm sure it can be arranged.

I'll have Declan look out whatever stuff we've got.

-Oh, yes, the verger.

-Perhaps I'd better come back to you

when he's sorted it all out.

-That'd be much appreciated.

-Where are you staying at?

-Um, your pub.

-The Tall Man?

-The Tall Man.

-Once upon a time there was a little boy called Treehorn.

He had -- He -- He just noticed that --

Shut up!

Watch it. Look, I'm trying to read my comic.

-Watch it! You're a pig, Robbie.

-Oh, yeah. Sure. Nyah!

Two more days of this, I'll go nuts.

-What are you talking about? We just checked in here.

-We've been here two months. -Well...

we've been in Ireland a month and a half, actually.

Not quite.

We may not have to be here that long,

but I've got to see the records of this church.

This is the most interesting site I've seen.

-And then? -Then we can go to Dublin.

It's about half a day's drive.

-Come on, get it. Just get it.

-I want my doll! -Well, you're not getting it.

-I will. I'll go bananas.

-All right. Quiet down.

You know, this is a working trip for me, remember?

-You know, you also got a family.

-That's who those kids belong to.

I was wondering.

I thought you'd feel at home here.

-At home?

-Irish forebearers and all that.

-That's vicious rumor put out by my mother.

-Your mother is a vicious rumor.

-Ha ha.

One more day.

-Dennis.

-What?

-Stable door's not shut.

-I locked it.

-Well, it's open now.

-Damn.

-I could have sworn that I bolted it.

-Who's there?

Who's there?

I said, who's there?

-Dennis! Dennis!

-No.

No!

No, no, no! Stay away!

Stay out!

Dennis!

Oh, Dennis!

-Okay.

Just a typical day in a charming little Irish village.

That was a very quick monster reveal, don't you think, Darcy?

Yeah, but I don't think you always have to hide

the monster till the end.

-Well, no problem in this case.

That is actually Heinrich von Schellendorf

in the Rawhead Rex suit.

He was 19 years old, 6'11",

grew up on a farm in Ireland,

and he was very familiar with that house

where he chases and eats the hapless Jenny,

because that's where he worked out every morning

getting those ripped abs.

In fact, he may be the only movie monster

I've ever seen to be specifically built

to have ripped abs.

-Nothing wrong with that.

-But he worked out every day with the members of U2.

-What?

-They were prepping for their tour

to support Amnesty International.

Why would they be prepping for a tour in County Wicklow, Ireland?

I have no idea.

But all of Heinrich's memories of doing the film

involve hanging out with U2 in that house.

Anyway, Clive Barker was not happy with the monster.

His script had described the monster as a rampaging,

baby-eating giant penis.

He wanted a slender monster with a giant bald head

and in fact, listen to what he said about it.

Uh, because it's funny. This is Clive Barker.

"It's a 10-foot prick on the rampage.

I even put it in the title -- raw head.

The whole movie needs to smell of sex.

That German ski instructor or whatever

that they hired had bigger pectorals than Linda Evans.

His tits overshadowed his navel.

Completely wrong for the movie." -Well, I disagree.

-Wouldn't you rather see a rampaging penis

than this monster?

-I mean, why not all of it?

A rampaging penis with huge pecs and abs.

-Well, the director, George Pavlou,

defended himself by saying Barker's description

of the monster in his short story

was impossible to do with practical effects.

Nobody was that slender with that big of a head.

And I actually think you could have done it.

But Pavlou basically went with fangs and drool and size,

and he hired Schellendorf precisely

because he was tall and beefy.

So it's hard today to imagine this.

But in 1984 and 1985,

the whole horror world changed

because of a collection of short stories.

Who gets famous writing short stories?

Clive Barker does.

So when he published his six "Books of Blood,"

he got the kind of attention normally reserved for writers

who have published 30 books, not two books.

But he was just 31 years old.

He was mostly known as a playwright

and a theatre director in Liverpool.

And the remarkable thing about "Books of Blood"

is that the stories had no consistent style.

They called it splatterpunk.

And in fact, if you talk about splatterpunk today,

the first guy you talk about is Clive Barker.

But it was actually every horror subgenre --

dark fantasy, supernatural,

mythic creatures, demons,

stories about alternate realities, body horror,

psychological horror, haunted houses, erotic horror,

occult metaphysics, traditional monsters like this one,

stories about religion gone haywire.

No two stories were alike, and it just blew everybody away.

Stephen King's famous quote was

"I have seen the future of horror,

and his name is Clive Barker."

But Barker had no desire to be a filmmaker.

But he did want his stories to be adapted for the screen.

That's why he was so upset with George Pavlou,

because this was actually Pavlou's second chance

with a Barker story.

He had directed the movie "Underworld" in 1985,

based on a story from "Books of Blood,"

and the resulting film just toned down everything --

toned down the gore, the body horror,

the mutants of the underworld in the title.

And so he had made it clear with the producers of "Rawhead Rex"

that he wanted his second script to not be sugar coated

in the slightest.

He wanted it to be distressing and subversive

and disturbing and graphic.

He said all this before the movie was ever made,

but then he was never even invited to the set.

I think they were afraid he would enforce these things.

Once again, they sanitized his work.

They turned a story about a giant phallus with teeth

who eats babies and gives golden showers to priests into

a more or less traditional monster on the loose story.

Anyway, Barker's reaction was to say, "The next movie,

I'm the director," and the next movie was "Hellraiser,"

so thank you, "Rawhead Rex" for convincing Clive Barker

to direct his own material.

- Okay, Darcy. - Yes.

-Do you have your Witch's Night menu?

-I do. You sent it to me months ago.

-Yes. I gave our viewers no excuse this year

not to celebrate Witch's Night with us in the proper way.

And the proper way all starts with beer.

The primary nutrient for Witch's Night is beer.

There's even a certain lager that was invented by Germans

specifically for this celebration.

And that lager is called Maibock,

and it's brewed only in the spring.

So I gave our viewers three choices for Maibock this year.

But beer is not optional.

If you're watching this show, you must have Maibock.

Now, the hardcore option, and I really appreciate those of you

who went to the time and trouble

to find it and order it and have it ready for tonight,

the hardcore option is Einbecker Mai-Ur-Bock.

Look at this keg. Look at this keg we got.

This is the original Maibock brewed in the small town

of Einbeck, Lower Saxony.

And, um, that's where bock beer was invented in 1378.

And, uh, now, if you were lazy

and you didn't have time to order a beer from Lower Saxony,

I did provide a second option,

which would be the Weihenstephaner Maibock.

They come in these things.

Which is brewed by the world's oldest brewery,

the Bavarian State Brewery in Freising,

part of Munich's Technical University.

You can go to Technical University and major in beer.

So Weihenstephaner started brewing beer in the year 1040.

And it's easier to find in the US.

And then for you absolute slackers,

if you just can't be bothered to prepare for Walpurgisnacht,

I gave a third ridiculous option.

Dead Guy Ale brewed in Newport, Oregon.

And you can find it everywhere.

And it is a Maibock.

So Witch's Night begins and ends with Maibocks.

So let's start getting oiled up, Darcy. Let's go.

-We're getting oiled up?

-Yeah, metaphorically. We're getting oiled up.

-Oh, don't tease us, Joe Bob.

-All right, let's start pumping some fuel

into our bodies as we return to "Rawhead Rex."

Mmm. Ooh, yeah.

And his human chomping rampage in the town of Rathmorne,

which in real life is the town of Redcross,

which is featured not only in this movie

but in John Boorman's "Excalibur."

Population 251 in Rathmorne.

Population 256 today, 251 when they made the movie.

Population growth in spite of all the baby eating there.

So roll it. Bottoms up, Darcy.

-Oh, I'm going to wait for the witch's dance floor part.

-Did you even look at those Goya paintings I sent you

of the goat-head monsters cavorting

with the witches on the Brocken?

-Hey, it's a party.

-I don't think they'll let you choose which

goat-head monster assaults you, you know?

-I feel like I know the Brocken a little bit better than you do.

-Okay.

But take some selfies this year if you're going to do that.

-Oh, no promises. What happens at the Brocken

stays at the Brocken.

-Oh, oh, oh, I almost forgot.

Speaking of photo ops, there's another thing

holding back Witch's Night from taking flight

here in the States, and that's a mascot, Darcy.

We need a mascot.

A symbol of all things Walpurgisnacht

for kids to sing songs about

and for ad execs to exploit and hawk Witch's Night merchandise

and promote Witch's Night parades.

And, of course, the inevitable Witch's Night clearance sales

events at your local Toyota dealership.

-A good mascot could help,

but I feel like you're thinking way too far ahead.

-No, we need a symbol. And I answered the call.

I'm excited to reveal for the first time anywhere,

Wally. -Oh, my.

-The Walpurgisnacht rascal.

-Wow. That's amazing.

-Actually, you could say "Vally" the Walpurgisnacht "vascal,"

if you pronounce Walpurgisnacht that way.

But people still correct me on how to pronounce Walpurgisnacht

no matter how I say it.

But -- But look, it's Wal--

Let's call it "Wall-purgisnacht," okay?

That's the final answer. Isn't that right, Wally?

So... -Aw. He's cute.

-Ah, hell yeah, he's cute.

Move over, Rudolph. Fuck you, Easter Bunny.

Wally has entered the chat,

and he's a bona-fide lady killer.

He's just dripping with Brocken rizz.

-Oh, rizz, you say?

Is that real fur?

-It's real everything.

Wally is 100% real rascal, Darcy.

His body is -- Well, it's a taxidermy monkey

that I found at a yard sale.

But I made a promise

with the sweet old bus driver who sold it

that I wouldn't say where I bought it,

as it's technically an exotic animal in her state, but...

-I'm assuming that Wally died of natural causes, yeah?

-The monkey was already dead. -Okay.

-Lived a long, rich life, I'm sure.

Now he's immortalized forever as the Brocken party animal.

His hands are genuine gator claws.

Scraped them off a stretch of Highway 41.

Wasn't sure at the time what I'd do with them,

but history just whispered in my ear

that fateful afternoon that it was meant to be.

-Well, I'm so happy

that Wally's legacy is going to live on.

-Yes, it was roadkill. Waste not, want not.

And did you notice his tail?

-Yes.

-It's the noble southern black racer.

Coluber constrictor priapus,

a non-venomous snake native to North Georgia.

But before you get upset, it's just a rubber snake.

It's covered in fur.

I think the fur is a nice touch, personally.

-I am happy that you used a rubber snake for this part.

But what about -- what about this head?

-Trade secret on the head, Darcy.

He's ready to revel with the devil

in his cool little witch hat, don't you think?

-I do, it's so cute.

I feel like you're very proud of yourself.

-Of course I'm proud. Just look at him.

He's the Spuds MacKenzie of Witch's Night.

Remember Spuds MacKenzie, that bull terrier in sunglasses

from those '80s Budweiser commercials?

There was a dog who knew how to have a good time.

Spuds was a bona-fide hit

until Strom Thurmond and Mothers Against Drunk Drivers

did that whole media campaign against him.

He wasn't around very long.

-They said they were using a cute little dog

to advertise beer to kids.

-Yeah, that's what they were doing.

And sure, maybe they have a point,

but Spuds MacKenzie was so cool.

He was always surrounded by bikini babes.

He was the life of every party.

-You gotta love a dog that parties.

-I like to think Spuds and Wally could have been friends.

-Did you hear that? -You're changing the subject.

It's just more thunder, I think.

-Why do we have to come here in the monsoon season?

-No, I like this place. I think I could live here.

It's quiet. It's charming. -It's dead.

-Well, what do you expect from a historian?

I prefer dead things.

-Oh, I'll bear that in mind.

-There's one or two exceptions.

-Name one.

Mm. What's the other?

Mm.

Oh.

You haven't kissed me like that in a long time.

-You have very dirty eyes. Anybody ever tell you that?

-Practically everybody.

-She'll certainly know us next time.

-Mm. It's strange. -Yeah.

-The way she looked.

-What do you mean? -She reminds me of something.

Somebody.

-Maybe she's a relation of yours.

-You're right. You're going bananas.

-Thanks. -Now, about that hotel.

-Yeah.

-What the hell?

Dennis? Jenny, are you there?

Dennis! Dennis!

Dennis? Jenny?

Jen, what happened here?

-I can't see a thing.

Would you take over here and watch it?

-All right.

-Just a moment. Could I have a word now?

Will you travel with her in the ambulance?

Take down anything she says. Anything at all.

You understand? It's very important.

Any little mumble, anything at all.

-I went into the kitchen.

-There wasn't a mark on Jenny.

-Which leaves the husband. -Dennis.

Did they have any visitors staying with them?

-I don't think so. I could check.

-What amazes me is how the woman survived.

-Clearly, she hid herself. A wardrobe perhaps, the attic.

I don't think Conroy knows what hit him.

They probably haven't had a murder around here before.

-You're assuming Nicholson's dead.

-State of the house, the blood --

Yes, I think so.

I think we're talking about some kind of revenge killing.

-Doesn't seem to go with the territory.

-I don't know, resentments can fester anywhere.

We're looking for several individuals

to have caused this kind of damage.

-Howard? -Yeah, I'm right here.

I'm here. -Something wrong?

-No. You didn't hear the sirens?

-Sirens?

-Just an accident of some sort up in the hills.

-Mm. Come back to bed.

-I'm gonna take a walk. Get some air.

Help me go to sleep.

You know, you were talking in your sleep.

-Was I?

-Who the hell is Big Jake?

Wouldn't you like to know?

-Keep it warm, okay? I'll be back.

-Big Jake, huh? Hey, take your coat.

Oh, it's cold out there.

-Nyeeerm!

Nyeeerm!

-Hey, listen, why don't you watch the film, huh?

-Seen it.

-Well, then change the channel.

-I've seen them all.

-You're just being selfish. -Don't, Andy.

-You're a selfish little brat.

Come on.

You'll be sorry for this.

I'm gonna get you back, dickhead.

-You and whose army?

-You little pig! Just you wait.

-It's not very warm.

-You're a little bastard.

Hey!

-No, you don't. -Give me that!

-Get lost!

-Aah!

-Come on. -Andy, I have to talk to you.

-Sure. -No, I mean seriously.

-I can talk seriously, you know. What?

-Let me out, you pig!

Andy!

Pig. The bloody pig!

-I tell you what,

I'm going to kill the little brat one of these days.

I'm going to kill him.

-I just don't think this was such a good idea.

-Why not? There's nobody around.

Are you feeling a bit cold? -Yeah.

-Come on, I'll warm you up, huh?

-No, Andy.

-Oh, come on, Katrina.

-You said we could talk.

-Shh.

Did you hear that?

-No.

-Goodbye, Roy.

-Nicole.

-For the love of God.

-My God. Neil. Sean. Sean! Sean!

It's little Neil.

-Damn.

My God. What's happened?

-What's wrong, sweetheart? -What is it, son?

Speak up. What is it?

What's happened?

-There's somebody here, Andy.

-Hey, listen.

Stop playing hard to get, will you?

-I want to go back to the caravan.

-Yeah, we'll go back in a minute.

-God.

I said I want to go back.

Shit.

-What the hell's going on?

-God knows.

The boy just appeared on the doorstep.

-He won't say a word.

-Hey, Katrina.

Katrina, hang on, will you?

Listen, I'm sorry. Hey, you're not upset, are you?

-I'm not. It's just...

I'm just feeling chilly, that's all.

-Oh, you poor little baby.

-I'll keep you warm. -Andy.

-Are you getting warmer? -Mm-hmm.

-Good.

-Run! Come on!

-I can't. I can't go.

-Come on!

Ohh!

-Oh! God!

-What is it?! -Something--

I-I don't... -What is it, for God's sake?!

-I don't-- Andy...

Jesus Christ.

-Don't get too far apart!

-No. -And stay inside of each other!

-Oh, let's go see.

He'll be back in a second.

Okay.

-What's happening out there?

There's something going on up in the hills.

-We were worried.

-Is that why you're still up?

-Is there an accident?

-I don't know. -Was there any blood?

-I didn't see, so I don't know.

-Alright, pumpkin. All the excitement's over.

Time for bed. -Yep.

-Now you see. Daddy's okay. Time for beddy-bye. Okay?

-Oh, my God! -Ohh!

-What?

-Did someone fetch the police?

-I'll go back and check.

-Who is it?

It's not the Johnson boy.

-God knows.

-Over here!

-Ohh. Where's his head?

Jesus Christ!

It's a bloody massacre!

-Where's that no-good brother of yours?

-Boring. -No more comics, Robbie.

They rot the brain.

-Yeah?

- Okay. - Down to bed, okay?

-Okay. -And here's Icky.

-Thank you. -Mwah!

Night-night. Sleep tight. And don't let the bedbugs bite.

-You know, I didn't really expect

to encounter a trailer park in this movie,

but I guess the Irish are not particular

about what they spread across their hills of heather.

They don't actually call it a trailer park, though.

It's a "residential caravan park."

Somehow that sounds better, right?

More festive.

Anyway, Rawhead Rex is chomping his way

through the residential caravan park,

and one of the great supporting characters in horror,

the verger, Declan, is getting lasered

by that weird stained-glass window in the church

and turning into a Rawhead Rex fanboy.

And Declan O'Brien is played by Ronan Wilmot,

well-known London theater actor who is still working today.

Reverend Coot, however, is no longer with us.

He passed away in 2019 at the age of 90.

But that's Niall Toibin,

and he was not just a famous stage actor.

He did play Lucky in the Peter O'Toole production

of "Waiting for Godot,"

but he was kind of an Irish icon.

He was actually the ambassador of Ireland

at the 2003 Saint Patrick's Day Festival in London.

So, Darcy, why does Rawhead Rex

kill Dennis and chew him up

but he does not kill Dennis' wife, Jenny?

And why does he kill Andy but not his girlfriend, Katrina?

-Do you want me to do spoilers?

-I just think it's interesting that Clive Barker creates

an angry, vicious penis monster that only goes after men.

-Nobody ever said Clive Barker was vanilla.

-True. So he made his point. I guess so.

Speaking of folk horror,

that's what we're dealing with in "Rawhead Rex,"

and folk horror is very trendy,

ever since Ari Aster made his movie "Midsommar" in 2019.

Or if you're a purist--

I got corrected at a convention last year

for not saying "Mid-so-marr."

Folk horror-- -I'm never saying that.

-Folk horror is any story

where modern civilization has to deal with

the ancient pagan world.

Most people say folk horror started

with the 1973 Christopher Lee film "The Wicker Man."

Christopher Lee considered that the greatest film he ever made.

He played the leader of the pagan island

of Summerisle in remote Scotland.

But, actually, I don't think that was the first one.

Vincent Price in "Witchfinder General."

Actually, there was another one.

The cultists in "The Blood on Satan's Claw."

Both of those movies came out in 1968.

Anyway, folk horror is always about someplace

where paganism has survived into modern times,

in this case in the form of an ancient rune

that was guarding the grave of a creature

called Rawhead Rex that's basically...

Rawhead Rex is basically a land shark.

All appetite.

And speaking of appetite, I'm trying to simplify

Witches Night for the American version.

But if we were in, say, Uppsala, Sweden,

120,000 people will gather to stoke that bonfire.

-Nice. -Think about it, Darcy.

Do we even have one Witches Night event

with 120 people attending,

much less 120,000 people attending?

Anyway, if we were in Uppsala, Sweden,

we would be eating all your favorite foods

around the bonfire.

-And those would be? -Bratwurst.

Mmm! Yummy!

-Grilled sausage of all varieties.

-Oh, yeah!

-Pork chops. -Pork chops? Give me some.

-Deer and rabbit on shish-kebab skewers

roasting over the open flame.

-Damn. That sounds so good.

-It's a folk-horror thing.

The meat goes with the Maibock.

-You know what? That is so cool, but you can have that.

-Sort of like tailgating before the Woodland Revels.

-I'm just gonna meet you at halftime.

-Alright, Darcy, back to the movie.

-Alright. -Roll it.

Do you ever just chuck the vegan thing and say,

"Oh, hell yes. Mustard me up a chili dog."

-No. -You ever do that?

Just for one time? -Why would I? No.

-Witches Night is all about losing control.

-Well, that I can do.

-You just can't do it with me.

-Uh, I don't think I said that.

-Wally isn't afraid of a little meat.

-And neither is Darcy.

-Off we went to have our dinner.

-Just hang on there, gentlemen.

The officer in charge of the case is arriving just now.

He'd like to ask you a few questions.

-That's alright.

How long's he been dead?

-I'd estimate under 24 hours.

Apparently he was trying to move this stone.

-Witnesses? -Two local men.

They'd been helping him clear the field.

When they left here, he was fine.

This is number three.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Morning.

-Who's that?

-Uh, excuse me. I'd like to report

something I saw last night. Who do I speak to?

-Yeah. Just go in there. It's the last door on the right.

-On the right? -Yeah. That's right.

-Any statement's going to be pure conjecture.

-Somebody wants to speak to the man in charge.

-He'll have to wait. -Yes, of course.

-Oh. Would you mind waiting a moment, sir?

-I'll get right back to you.

Yes. Promptly, sir.

-Somebody to, uh... -I heard. Come in.

-Uh, this is Mister, um-- Mister, um--

-Hallenbeck. Howard Hallenbeck.

-Inspector Gissing. What can I do for you?

-Well, I heard about the murders last night.

And I think maybe I saw something.

-Oh? -But I'm not exactly sure what.

-We're looking for more than one perpetrator, Mr. Hallenbeck.

-What I saw wasn't human.

-I beg your pardon.

-At least I don't think it was.

It was very tall. I mean, it-- Much too big to be a man.

-How big?

-Eight foot. Nine foot.

-I really don't have time to-- -Look I saw this.

Just let me speak. Okay? I saw it.

And what's more, it saw me.

This...thing...

was watching me.

It fixed me with these mean, burning red eyes.

Alright. I know how this sounds.

Believe me, I know.

But I saw it.

-Was this on the road?

-No, no. See, I was in a road. It was up a field.

-Cattle then. You saw cattle.

-Oh, I know what cattle look like, for Christ's sake!

-Darkness can be deceptive.

-Alright. I came here to tell you something.

Now, I saw something. I don't know what it is.

But it was there.

And it's out there right now. So what do you want to do?

-Well, if you want to give a statement

to Officer Conroy here...

-Forget it. Just forget it.

-Sir, maybe we ought to look at what he's saying.

-Tea? -No, none for me.

Look, I was wondering about the parish records.

-Yes, a curious thing, that.

They appear to have been removed from the premises.

-What do you mean? Stolen?

Well, so it seems.

Though I frankly can't see why.

Again, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

-Thanks anyway.

Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

-Alright. There it is.

Strangest thing.

Alright, handsome. Smile.

"Death...

walks...

fearing..." what?

"Death walks..."

"Death goes in fear...

itself...

never became."

"Death goes in fear...

...of what it cannot be."

"Goes in fear...

...of what it cannot be."

Ohh!

Sorry. I'm sorry.

-Oh, dear!

-What did you do that for?

-Get the fuck outta here.

There's nothing here for you!

You fucking...

-Yeah, I'll get the fuck out of here.

And you be very fucking glad.

That's a little present for you. You goddamn maniac.

-Finally.

God. It took you long enough.

-Well, checking out is always a major adventure.

-Alright.

Now, let's see where we're going.

Okay. Where to, my lady?

-Well, I's a-havin' trouble reading the map.

How surprising.

Your mother's having trouble reading a map.

-I see. Daddy's being rude again.

-Rude? -Rude!

-Truthful. -Rude.

-Accurate!

-♪ Dublin, oh, Dublin ♪

-Yeah.

-Icky.

-Have they got a McDonald's in Dublin?

-Probably.

-Are we almost there?

-No, for the 15th time.

-I'm hungry! -Huh.

You're a bottomless pit, Robbie.

-What's a bottomless pit?

-My God!

-What? What is it?

-There's something there back in the field.

-Do you wanna go back and see?

Okay.

-What's a bottomless pit?

-Why are we going back?

-Your mother thinks she saw something.

It's a scarecrow.

-Yes. -What did you think it was?

- I don't know. - It's this bloody place.

-"Bloody" place, huh? You're sounding more Irish every day.

I think it's time we move on.

Drive, madam? -Hm.

Please.

-You guys ready to go?

-Yeah.

-Your enthusiasm overwhelms me.

-Sir.

-What? -We've got something.

-The Nicholson woman?

-No, sir. She's still refusing to speak.

There's some kind of trauma apparently.

-What then? -It's the boy, sir.

Neil Johnson. -He's talked?

-Not talked exactly. -What then?

Down at the hospital, Conroy was left to look after him

while we spoke with the parents.

The kid wouldn't say a word. Not a word.

So Conroy gave him some stuff to play with. Paper, pens.

-And?

-And the kid started drawing.

-God almighty!

-Maybe the Yank was right.

Maybe there is something out there.

-We have to stop.

-Why, honey?

-I gotta pee!

-Well, we're not going back.

-But I have to!

-You should have thought of that before we left.

-I forgot.

-How can you forget? That's stupid.

-Robbie!

-Okay, it's too far to the next town,

so we're just gonna stop right here.

Okay. Uh, wanna go with her?

-Oh, she's okay on her own.

Go on, Minty.

-Where? -In the field.

Nobody will see you.

Come on, sweetheart. We haven't got all day.

-I'm gonna go with her.

-She's okay. -I know. I know.

-She's got to grow up sometime, you know!

-But not till I'm good and ready.

You see that big green bush? -Yes.

-You go right behind there, okay?

-Okay. -Now, hurry up, sweetheart.

-You mustn't look! -I won't look. I won't look.

Now, go ahead. Go ahead. Now, hurry up.

Just go on. Go on. That's right. Go on.

-Minty!

-It's all over now. It's all over.

-Oh, my God. What happened?

-It's just a rabbit there. It scared her.

-Oh, Jesus. -Alright.

You go to Mommy now, okay? -Sweetheart. Ohh.

-Little baby.

God, that's ugly. -Feel alright now?

-Really disgusting. Ohh. -You feeling better?

-Ahh. -How's Mommy?

Mommy okay now? -Mommy's okay.

-No. It's okay. Crows are very bad things.

-Oh, poor little bunny. It's gone to heaven.

-Yeah?

-Now, now. -You wanna go back to the car?

Robbie...

-Mwah. Give me a kiss. Mwah.

-Dad! Dad!

-Robbie. No. No. -Dad!

-No! No! You...

-N-o-o-o-o-o!

No!

Robbie! Robbie!

Robbie!

Robbie! Robbie!

No.

-Rawhead and Bloody Bones.

Steals naughty children from their homes.

Takes them to his dirty den.

And they are never seen again.

-Wow! That was good.

-That's actually a children's nursery rhyme

that originated in Britain more than 800 years ago.

And it sounds to me like it means the beast

that grabs kids from their homes

is named Rawhead and Bloody Bones.

And Clive Barker had to know about that, right?

-It's too close to be a coincidence.

-So we know from a previous scene

that Rawhead doesn't just kidnap people

and he doesn't just kill people.

He actually eats people.

So we know little Robbie is probably already in his stomach.

I'm not surprised the producers did not want to get

too graphic with that scene,

but apparently Clive Barker was.

He wanted it made clear that the giant rampaging

penis-head creature likes to eat children.

And in fact, there's additional eating of children

in the short story that they decided not to use in the movie

because apparently in the year 1986,

when you're working with a writer

who thinks it would be cool to kill a bunch of babies

with a giant penis-head creature, a lot of producers go,

"I think we'll go in another direction with this, Clive."

I mean, it's disturbing enough with Robbie dying off camera.

I can't imagine what would have happened

if they'd actually used a child actor in a close-up chomp.

-I know what would have happened.

-What? -We'd have to put up

one of those trigger-warning signs

that we show before movies sometimes.

-Well, I think we only do that for animal abuse, actually.

We don't do that for child abuse.

-I feel like they would do it for child eating.

-How do you feel about the devouring

of youngsters on camera as a mom?

-Oh, I'm fine with it. Eat them kids. I don't care.

Okay.

Anyway, that was Hugh O'Conor as little Robbie Hollenbeck.

He was 10 or 11 at the time. This was his second movie.

He had co-starred with Liam Neeson in "Lamb,"

and unlike most child actors,

he continued to work throughout his life.

Today, he's 51 years old, still performing in the UK.

He's had 76 movie roles.

The parents are played by David Dukes and Kelly Piper.

Some of you may remember Kelly Piper

from our screening of "Maniac."

She was the nurse skewered by Joe Spinell.

Uh, David Dukes was one of those actors

who never quite broke through to stardom.

He was a tremendous stage actor.

He played both Frankenstein and Dracula on Broadway.

Juilliard School of Drama.

American Conservatory Theater in San Francisco,

where he was from.

Goodman Theatre in Chicago.

Mark Taper Forum in LA.

Nominated for a Tony.

But he played a lot of supporting roles

and walk-ons in television.

His downfall came in 1977,

when he was the guy on "All in the Family"

who tried to rape Edith Bunker.

-Oh, no.

-Hard to come back as a leading man

after you're known for that.

But somehow he did, in this role.

-Yeah. -But he died early

at the age of 55

while he was filming a Stephen King project

in Washington state.

It was that, um, "Rose Red" miniseries.

Heart attack on the tennis court.

Um, Kelly Piper. She also left us early.

She passed away in 2009 at the age of 59.

She had a very short career. Only seven movies.

This was the final movie for her.

But, Darcy. -Yes.

-I feel like I'm not doing a very good job

of pimping Walpurgisnacht.

-Witches Night. -Witches Night.

I'm assuming everybody watched

our four previous Walpurgisnacht shows.

Maybe I should review those shows.

-Or don't. -I...

Well, to give people all the history

of how the pagan festival of Beltane...

-We really don't need to review it.

Everyone remembers, I promise.

-Well, how they turned into--

They turned Beltane into Walpurgisnacht

by the Catholic Church

because people were getting too crazy on Beltane.

And maybe if I reviewed all the folk traditions

of the Central European people that relate to Beltane--

-Everyone remembers all of those, too.

-So I'll just remind everybody of the basics.

Walpurgisnacht, or Beltane, is the pagan holiday

exactly six months after Samhain, or Halloween,

and they're the two most important Celtic holidays

because it's the time when the world of the living

and the world of the dead get very close together

and you can cross over and the dead can talk to the living,

but also you can get pulled into demonic arenas,

which is why the witches fly to the Brocken on this night

and why the good, upright Christian people

try to kill the witches before they can get airborne.

Does that about sum it up?

-That was good. You nailed it.

-Plus, students love it

because alcohol and naked dancing, so...

-Why do you-- Why do you specify students?

-Well, in a lot of places,

this is basically a college-student thing.

'Cause college students go nutzoid all night.

-Ah. -European college students.

I feel it's not just European college students

that like witches, alcohol, and strippers.

-True, but students can take it to the next level.

I used to rank the party schools.

We had this top-ten list every year.

-Ooh. Who won?

-Well, actually, it was always a toss-up

between Chico State in California

and Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff.

-And did you verify that they were the party champions?

-Well, I never had the opportunity

to actually go to Chico State...

-Not too late. -...or Northern Arizona,

but this one dormitory at Northern Arizona

sent me a document proving

that they had set the world record for alcohol probation.

-Which is? -I have no idea, but I...

But just judging by the name, I accept that as valid evidence

of party-school credentials, so...

-I think we're way off topic.

-Is that your suggestion that we go back to the movie?

-It is. -Back to the movie.

Roll it!

I actually-- I would nominate my own school

as one of the great redneck party schools of America.

-I don't think that people go to Vanderbilt to party.

-Do you know, Darcy,

what happened on October the 5th, 2024,

at FirstBank Stadium in Nashville?

-You are gonna talk about that again?

-I'm not gonna talk about the game.

-Okay. I-- Honestly-- -When we beat Alabama.

I'm not gonna talk about that game.

-I know what you're gonna talk about.

-Okay.

At the conclusion

of the overwhelmingly impressive victory

of the Vanderbilt Commodores

over the number-one-ranked team in the country, Alabama,

the student body tore down the goalposts.

Both goalposts.

Carried said goalposts two miles.

Two miles, people!

They carried the goalposts to this point

in downtown Nashville

overlooking the Cumberland River.

And to accomplish that, they had to defy

numerous law-enforcement personnel.

They had to penetrate five actual roadblocks.

They had to celebrate in such a wild manner

that the NCAA fined Vanderbilt University $100,000,

which is the record.

That's unprecedented.

That $100,000 fine for failure to enforce crowd control

enshrines Vanderbilt forever

as the most redneck college in America.

-Wow.

-Well, think of it this way.

The Cumberland River is due east of the campus, right?

So you could say that the Vanderbilt student body

reenacted the entire plot

of "Smokey and the Bandit" that day.

They're evading arrest. They're baiting the cops.

They're vaulting over obstacles.

They're consuming massive quantities of alcohol.

They're refusing every order

issued by every authority figure.

They're destroying property everywhere they go

in the capital of country music!

And when they reach the Cumberland River,

they dump both goalposts into the water.

So look at that route. The route the goalposts took.

What is it?

-Go ahead and say it.

-It's eastbound. -Yes.

-And then at the river, it's down.

Eastbound and down! -It is.

-In the words of Jerry Reed,

we're gonna do what they say can't be done.

-Congratulations. -The Vanderbilt student body

would know what to do with Witches Night.

-Hell yeah, they would. Go, Commodores!

-Go, Commodores. -Whoo!

-Look. Please. -I have a job to do!

-Yeah, we all have a job to do. -Give us a break, will ya?

-Fine. Okay. -Just one or two shots, right?

-Here he is now.

Let's get the whole situation. Now, come along.

-Is it true the army's been moved in?

-I have no comment. -Is there any connection

between the murders?

-Yes. They're all dead.

-Is the army being moved in?

-Why don't you all get the hell out of here?

-Come along, now. -What have you got up there, Detective?

Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Go ahead. Answer the man.

Go ahead. What have you got?

I know nothing.

-Look, mister. -Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

-We're doing all we can. -Too late.

Too goddamn late!

-Obviously, we'd appreciate your assistance.

-Oh. Well, I've given your man here everything.

Every sickening detail.

We've done maps. We've done drawings.

-It's the same as what the boy saw, sir.

-What in God's name is it?

-Of course, darkness can be deceptive.

-I was wrong. I'll grant you that.

-Aw. Thanks. -Believe me.

We're gonna find your son's killer.

The valley's being searched by armed officers. We'll find it.

-I bet it has hiding places you couldn't even guess at.

You wanna know why? -Enlighten me.

-I think it belongs here. I think this is its home.

From way back. -Then we've got it, haven't we?

If this is his territory,

it'll come back, sooner or later.

All we have to do is wait.

-Wait?! Wait for what?!

More of your mistakes?! More slaughter?!

-Look, Mr. Hallenbeck, we understand how you feel.

-You have no idea how I feel!

Your goddamn stupidity

is the reason my son is dead.

Now, do you...understand that?

I'll get the goddamn thing myself!

-Look, Hallenbeck-- -Go to hell!

Just go right to hell!

I'm sorry.

I have to go out. I'll be back.

-Okay.

-They buried him alive!

-What? -The devil.

They put him in the earth, deep down.

They thought he'd die, you see.

Thought they could forget about him.

But the dark ones come back.

They always do.

-This window... -Useless to fight.

-What does it represent? -Nothing!

The devil's won.

-Wait a minute. -Declan.

-See?

You've nothing left to fight with.

-I've just heard about your son.

My condolences.

-These windows. When were these put in?

-You can think of windows at a time like this?

-Just when were the windows put in?

-Well, they were made and remade several times.

The church was badly damaged in the 1860's.

A lot of the glass was lost or replaced.

It's a bit of a jigsaw puzzle.

It wasn't a very good job.

Some of the fragments were...

This is not just academic interest, is it?

-Oh, you're damn right, it isn't.

That thing killed my son!

I stood there and watched him do it!

It's not human, that thing.

If I was your friend Declan, I'd say that was the devil.

-But you don't believe in the devil.

-No, I don't believe in the devil.

But something started the rumor.

I knew it. That's it. It just didn't fit.

-What?

-That's the missing piece.

Look, look, look. This image doesn't fit there.

But look at this.

There's one hand...

and there's the other one.

-So...

-I think this guy in the picture,

I think he beat the creature once before.

-This is paganism!

-Oh. Would you just look at it?

It's as plain as the nose on your face!

That is what I saw. That is what killed my son.

And that is out there right now, ready and waiting.

-Please! You're distraught!

-God damn it! Don't you humor me!

-Mr. Hallenbeck, this is Christ's house.

-It wasn't always his, was it?

-We couldn't see much, of course,

even with the torches,

but I had a pretty good idea what was going on.

-Why was that?

-Smelled the blood.

-Really?!

-Certainly.

It had a coppery smell about it. You couldn't miss it.

-Jesus! What was that?!

-Shh! Go on.

-Then, of course, we found the body.

-Aah!

-What's going on?!

Jesus!

Go on! Go!

-Alright. Keep calm. Keep calm.

-Felt like an earthquake. -Where's the door?

Kick it out.

Get out here.

-What is it, Tom?!

-Somebody get the police! Get the police!

-Here, you bastard!

-Oh, God, no! Mary!

I got you!

-Shoot it! Come on! Shoot it!

-Well? -Yes, we've got it, sir.

-Where? -At the caravan park.

-Get the cars around the front. -On my way.

-We'll be right there. Mm-hmm.

-You see, it's territorial. I told you so.

-Where do you think you're going? -I'm going with you.

-Oh, no, you're not. -You can't stop me.

-Conroy, hold this man. -Mr. Hallenbeck--

-Get your hands off me! -Howard, please!

Just stay here with us.

-God almighty!

-It went over there! Towards the village!

-Get ambulances. -Right!

-Move!

-You wanna go back to the hotel?

Elaine?

You wanna go back to the hotel?

-No.

--You'd be more comfortable there.

-Only if you come.

-No. I'm gonna talk to Gissing.

Let him do his job.

-I want him to make house-to-house inquiries.

They know something, these people.

-What are you talking about?

-He's been here before, this-- this thing.

In Rathmorne.

And these people, they beat him. Look at this.

This is a stained-glass window in their church.

Do you see? He's being done in

by whatever it is the hooded figure's holding.

Now, it looks like a tablet, but it's a missing piece of glass.

That's the missing piece.

I think there's other missing pieces, too.

It's like the handle of a knife or a sword or...

...something.

But it's a weapon.

-Weapon? -Yeah.

If I can find it...

I can do that goddamn thing in.

-You know, it's one thing to devour children.

It's quite another to wantonly destroy entire trailer parks.

Rawhead Rex must die.

Darcy, have we ever had a movie where the cops knew

what they were doing?

-Of course not. What fun would that be?

-And speaking of fun, we're getting close to midnight,

and that's when the pagan revels began,

and that means it's time for -- You want to guess?

-Mead! Whoo! -Mead!

It's all about pagan revels,

and Walpurgisnacht requires pagan reveling,

and no witch festival is complete without mead,

especially since the honey, the herbs,

the spices in the mead are all about getting

people drunk who normally don't get drunk,

especially the witches.

You were waiting on the mead, weren't you, Darcy?

-I am so ready for the mead. -You knew the mead was coming.

-I did. Because you told me on the last break.

-Those of you who are working from

our Walpurgisnacht drink menu,

it's time to break out the Staropolskie

Which, if you've been consuming your Maibock

through the first four segments of "Rawhead Rex,"

you will not be able to pronounce this.

But the name we're going with is the trojniak,

the name they use in Poland, where this is fermented and aged

in the city of Lublin,

the historic center of European mead-making,

where they're so careful about the honey

that goes into the drink that they raise their own bees.

And, by the way, this is not a craft revival.

The 328,000 residents of Lublin, Poland,

all say fuck craft revivals!

The APIS beekeepers cooperative

makes trojniak using the same recipe

and the same procedures used in the 1200s, okay?

Now, once again, some of you were too lazy

to order the traditional hardcore trojniak,

so I did give you that second option

of buying Pasieka Jaros Trybunalski.

The Jaros family in the tiny Polish village of Laziska

uses traditional medieval methods and their own bees

to make a trojniak in these ceramic bottles

called Pasieka Jaros Trybunalski.

It's much harder to say but easier to find.

So if you want to tip your little ceramic bottle,

that's okay.

I also gave you guys a ridiculous option

if you frittered away the time and forgot to order your mead.

And, of course, that option is Redstone.

Available just about everywhere.

Redstone is a large meadery in Boulder, Colorado,

that uses the term "honey wine."

This thing-- Can you get this thing off, Darcy?

-No. -How do you do this?

-Magic. Ahh. -Anyway...

I don't want to drink it anyway.

But, um, they call it honey wine instead of mead.

Who knows why? It's mead.

They sell it in flavors like blueberry, apple,

juniper berry, boysenberry.

Their original and most popular offering

is Barrel Aged Black Raspberry Mountain Honey Wine.

I think that's the one we got.

Yeah. "Traditional Honey Wine."

The only one that comes within a million miles

of traditional mead is the one they market

as "Traditional Mountain Honey Wine,"

which has the added advantage of having

a higher alcohol content than the others.

So if you wimped out, time to break out the Redstone.

Okay. Darcy...

Um... -Yes?

-Let's go. Here's one. I'm gonna...

Wait a minute. No. Have this one.

Have the "Paros Jerelski Trudge..." ...one.

And... -That's the one we're drinking?

-We're drinking-- We're gonna drink all three of them.

-Even though-- Even the wimpy one?

-Yeah, if I can open it. We're--

You know, we're on our way out.

This is our last Witches Night.

We need to get nasty with the liquor.

-Let's get nasty, baby.

-This is what went wrong in Rathmorne.

-The town in the movie? -Absolutely.

If they'd have been doing their pagan revels in the proper manner,

Rawhead Rex would have been--

Rawhead Rex would have been coming out of the ground

once a year on Beltane, eating one baby,

going back underground.

Instead, the village decides to bury him alive, puts a rune up.

It was only a matter of time before a farmer gets tired

of plowing around the rune, he knocks it over,

and he unleashes the raw head of Rawhead.

So now he's pissed. He's not going back in that hole.

You got a permanent, hungry penis creature

in your town square.

-I am actually okay with that.

-Drink your mead, Darcy. -I'm afraid.

It's really sweet.

-Well, yeah. We're gonna get to the good stuff later, though.

-No, I mean, I like it, actually.

-Good! Well, we have several gallons of it, so...

And it's all yours, Darcy.

-Whoo!

I am going to get as spry as fuck as you do.

-Really? -Let's do it.

That was only that one time that I did that.

-Was it? -Back to the movie.

You should be grateful I'm not trying to kill you this year.

Two of the years, I was trying to kill you.

-Well, you can't call it Witches Night

and then try to kill the witches.

-Well, you can't. In other words,

you want it to be Witches Cosplay Night.

-Well, yeah. -You don't want to take any of the risk.

-What?! I just want everyone to express their inner witch.

-Their inner witch? What about the men?

What do we do? -Men can be witches.

-I'm anti-witch.

How are you gonna get this into your head?

I'm Vincent Price in "Witchfinder General."

-Okay, well, then wear a Pilgrim outfit

and you'll look super cute.

-Nobody looks super cute in a pilgrim outfit.

-I disagree.

-You might, you know.

See, that's the problem with being Witchfinder General.

The witches are always cheating by the way you dress.

-What? A hat!

-Stop the car!

Where is he?! -We probably passed him.

He'd never have gone this far on foot.

-Damn him! -What shall I do?

-Turn around. Let's go back. -Yes, sir.

-Holy Jesus! -Christ!

-No! No! No!

-Y-Yes.

For you.

-Uh, Mr. Hallenbeck?

-Gissing here yet? -He's very busy at the moment.

-Listen. It's very important that I talk to him.

-Mr. Hallenbeck, you've already made

your feelings perfectly clear.

The inspector will see you as soon as he can.

Oh, in the meantime, can I get you a cup of tea?

-Why don't you go fuck yourself?

-Hm. I'll pass that suggestion along.

-Oh. You do that.

-You came!

-Quickly! Whoever's close!

-I can't hear a word you're saying. Who is this?

-Get over here quickly!

-Who is this?

Reverend, is that you? Well, where are you?!

-The church, damn you!

-Control to Inspector Gissing.

Control to Inspector Gissing.

Is Inspector Gissing there?!

-There's no escape!

-Keep your voice down. He's in the rectory.

-You think I don't know?

I see what he sees.

He wants you, you know.

Wants to baptize you!

-You're out of your mind! -No!

I simply saw the light.

-Declan, you are one of God's teachers!

-God?! Ha ha ha ha!

He is God!

The parish records!

-He was here before Christ, before civilization!

He was king here!

No! Gissing went after it! We're trying to organize...

-I just got a call from the reverend! It's down at the church!

-The church? I-It's down at the church.

Yeah, we're on our way!

-Rawhead.

That's what they called him!

Rawhead!

-You stay here.

-No. No, no, no, Declan. Wait. Wait. Declan, wait.

Think. Think.

It doesn't care about you!

When it's finished with you, what will it do with you?

-Kill me, I hope!

-Declan, for the love of God!

-Get upstairs, fuckface!

I can't keep God waiting!

-You did this?!

-I am going to destroy it all.

He wants me to take it apart piece by piece!

-You wouldn't dare!

-He's not scared!

-Why doesn't he come in and do it personally?

-I think your god is afraid, Declan!

-No. -Yes.

Afraid to set foot in Christ's house!

-No!

Your pathetic little shepherd has no hold on him.

Or me!

I know my real master when I see him.

And so will you!

-Declan, no!

-Get back.

-Will we rush the church, sir?

-No. Just stand by.

-This is holy ground!

-God's ground!

-Oh, Jesus.

-What was that?! -Hey.

-Keep them back, out of the line of fire!

-Come on back! Back! Come on!

Come on, sir. Out the way now. Stay back!

Stay back here! -Targets!

-Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

-He's got the vicar! Ohh!

-Kill the murdering bastard!

-Oh, no! The poor soul!

-Can we shoot the bastard, sir?

-We may hit the old man.

-Kill the bastard!

-He's dead already! Look at him!

-No, he-- he's still moving.

-Jesus, have mercy on his soul!

-No!

-Ready!

Fire!

-For you! For you!

-For you! For you!

-I can't just stay here. I have to do something.

-Howard, no!

-You know, it's perversely satisfying

that the entire police force of Rathmorne

gets incinerated in that church scene.

These are not just clueless cops.

This is a whole football team of poster boys

for law-enforcement incompetence.

One thing director George Pavlou was proud of

is he set the all-time record

for the number of people on fire at the same time.

-Whoo! -There were 13 stuntmen

in fire suits in that one scene, all burning simultaneously,

whereas the previous record holder...

You want to know what it was?

"The Towering Inferno."

They had a mere six people burning at the same time.

-Pshh! Tower?

-Plus, the Inspector Gissing becomes a Rawhead worshipper

and willingly sacrifices himself to the beast.

So Clive Barker is not satisfied with just taking down

the church and Christianity.

He goes after every authority figure in rural Ireland

and kind of suggests that they're all responsible

for their fate because they knew Rawhead

was underground all this time.

It's a movie about suppressed desires.

And the only guy not suppressing his desires

is Declan the verger in one of the greatest

chew-the-scenery roles in horror history.

And once again, that actor is Ronan Wilmot,

who said he gladly took that creature urine

in the infamous baptism scene

because "I am a professional."

-Okay.

-So let's hear it-- Let's hear it for Ronan.

-Ronan! -And before we watch

the electric conclusion of "Rawhead Rex"--

And I mean that literally.

Before we watch that,

I do want to mention that the rest of the night

we're gonna be getting into some serious

boozin', burnin', and bunkin', the three B's of Witches Night.

And so I do want to warn you,

if you're staying with us through the second movie,

I got to talk about the banned drinks.

Don't just start drinking anything that's in your house.

If you drink anything on this list,

you will be banished from Walpurgisnacht

and/or flogged with a ceremonial mace, okay?

You cannot drink...

craft beer.

Craft anything.

Wine spritzers.

Any wine recommended by Robert Parker.

-Who's Robert Parker?

-A snooty dude who rates wine.

-Okay. -Candy-flavored liqueurs.

Jolly Rancher shots.

-Those sound good, actually.

What?! -You're not helping.

-Sorry. -Butterscotch schnapps.

Flavored vodka. -Hey!

-Yeah, I do remember that cotton-candy vodka

you poured for the crowd in Tampa.

-Tampa!

-We'll be having none of that tonight.

-Aww. -In fact, flavored anything.

Margaritas, martinis, fireballs, hard seltzers.

-I've seen you order a margarita.

-Not on Walpurgisnacht. -Okay.

-Here's the rule of thumb.

If they didn't drink it in the year 1400, don't drink it now.

And don't make me tell you again.

Roll the movie. -Wow!

I think you should allow fruity drinks.

-Fruity drinks? Why?

-For the revels. -Revels?

What do fruity drinks have to do with revels?

-Where do they sell the most fruity drinks?

-Where do they sell the most? I don't know.

-Strip clubs, where everyone gets in the mood for revels.

-You mean drinks like--

have weird names like Sex on the Beach and...

-Yeah, and flavored vodka and body shots.

-You're making sense, Darcy. -Thank you.

-What's in a body shot? -I mean, who cares?

-Okay. Strip-club cocktails are allowed.

-Whoo!

-Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

-Hallenbeck! Over here!

-Get some help! He's bleeding to death!

-Jesus. Dear God.

-Stay in the church!

-What's he saying?! -Shut up!

-The altar.

It-- It-- Afraid.

Something...

...in the altar.

-You go back to the station. My wife and my daughter are there.

-I'll look after them.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ!

What the fuck do you want? Get the fuck out of here.

Get the fuck out of here!

-It's afraid of something. What?! What is it afraid of?

-He-- He got into the altar.

I couldn't stop him.

But you can kill him.

-There he is! There!

-Okay, sweetheart. Let's do it.

-Okay. Do it.

Come on.

-Do it.

-Now! Kill the fucker! Now!

Aah!

Take me! Yes!

Ahh...

-Oh, my God!

-Elaine, get out of here! Get out! Get out!

-Howard!

-A woman.

It had to be a woman.

-Ohh!

-It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

-It's okay. It's okay.

We can go home now.

It's all over now. It's all over.

-Okay, so the only way to kill the monster

is to find the secret compartment

in the altar that nobody has mentioned

until the last five minutes of the movie

and get a stone figure of a woman

that emits blue bolts of electricity

but only if it's wielded by a woman.

Otherwise, Rawhead can just chew the head

off anybody in the cast.

But now we know why he couldn't bring himself

to kill the pregnant Jenny in the earlier scene.

Or maybe we don't know that.

We only know that because we have the original short story

from "Books of Blood," wherein we discover

that Rawhead hates and fears women.

They repel him.

And especially any depiction or reminder of fertility.

And so that stone talisman that Elaine raises over her head

is a pregnant woman.

So the whole movie is an attack on families.

But the main difference between the short story

and the movie is that the story is extremely graphic,

extremely sexual, extremely fetishistic.

And actually in the book, it's the villagers

that use that talisman to kill the monster.

The whole village attacks him.

But, unfortunately, George Pavlou

was never able to film that

because his budget was sliced in half.

It started at 3.2 million and ended up at 1.6 million.

And he ran out of money,

and the crew walked off the set

right before they filmed the ending.

So, George was apparently new to directing.

Otherwise, he would know that you never wait

till the end of a shoot to shoot the ending of the movie

because of situations just like that one.

So, how about those lightning bolts?

-Yeah! Whoo!

-Good job of pasting some cutouts on the screen, right?

What'd you think, Darcy?

-Well, I am really glad that we got to share this one

because it has been one of our most requested titles

throughout the whole years.

And I love the monster. He's so beautiful.

-The lightning bolts, though. That didn't bother you?

-It's indie filmmaking. It's fine.

-Okay, well, it's getting close to the witching hour,

and that means that all the great

Witches Night cities and towns and villages

have already experienced the miracle of Walpurgisnacht

because they're in earlier time zones.

I looked up what the top ten nations are

for Walpurgisnacht...

...knowing, of course, that the United States

is not one of them.

And the answer, in order...

Germany, Sweden, Finland,

Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia,

Poland, Norway, Austria, Switzerland.

Why should these places have a monopoly on witches, Darcy?

-They shouldn't. -But anyway...

the witches hour is the time when the bonfire rages,

the witches arrive at the Brocken.

They break out the liqueurs.

-The liqueurs. How fancy!

-It just means shots. -Body shots?

-Shots. Body shots? -Yeah.

-All kinds of shots. It's almost shots time.

And shots time leads to running off into the woods.

-Are we running off into the woods?

-Well, we have to do the show, so we can't immediately...

-Well, 'cause the last time we ran off into the woods,

it didn't end well.

-You have to bring that up again?

-Yes, I do. -Surely you have

more pertinent business to do, Darcy.

Like Mailbag, maybe? -Actually, I do.

But I'm just reminding you

that you don't really want one of those pictures again.

-No, I don't.

-But here. Wally has a letter for you.

-Oh. -It's from Caris O'Malley

of Spokane, Washington.

-Alright.

-Good job!

-What do we got here?

Okay.

"Dear Joe Bob, I'm writing from a cheap motel

about a block away from the Hollywood Theatre in Portland.

This room smells awful funny, but I'm stoked to be here

for the re-release of 'Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In.'"

This letter is dated October the 20th, 2025,

which was the official release date for

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In."

And we had a big party in Portland,

which is where Dark Horse is based, the publisher,

and it was made even more exciting by everybody

waiting on the imminent arrival of the National Guard.

It turned out to be a bust. They never showed up.

Anyway, thanks, Caris, for driving all that way to be at that party.

"I'm one of those 'MonsterVision' kids

who seem to write in so often.

Every episode of 'The Last Drive-In'

transports me back to 1995,

when the only other person still awake in the whole world

was this sarcastic cowboy on TNT.

It's been a true joy to introduce

my own children to your show,

a decision that has gotten me many a side-eye

from other parents.

Yes, I was that guy who drove

his 11- and 13-year-old daughters

to the Panida Theatre in Sandpoint

to behold the magic that is 'How Rednecks Saved Hollywood.'"

-Oh, not Sandpoint. -One of the strangest places.

You remember that? -Yes.

-One of the strangest places I've ever done the show.

Thanks for coming to that. Mm-hmm.

-"Anyway, enough rambling.

I'm writing to tell you about an online resource

I've created that you might find useful.

I have long been afflicted with a love

for holiday-themed horror movies... -Yay.

-...which has only been exacerbated

by your holiday specials on Shudder.

To save myself time from googling

'new Christmas horror movies' every December,

I've created HolidayHorrorDatabase.com,

a site that I lovingly curate for others

suffering from this peculiar condition.

It would be wonderful to think of you

using it as a tool for planning your holiday specials

on 'The Last Drive-In.'

Drive-In will never die.

Caris O'Malley. Spokane, Washington."

And apparently Caris is also a novelist

because he included his latest horror novel

from Eraserhead Press in a series called Bizarro Authors.

And, yes, Caris, I will definitely

be using that database

because finding Christmas horror films for the show

is a yearly agonizing process we do go through

with mixed success,

and I hope people will see this and look it up

and add some new titles that we haven't found yet.

HolidayHorrorDatabase.com.

All one word.

HolidayHorrorDatabase.com.

And I guess that's it

for the first half of the Witches Night Special.

Please hang around for our nightcap movie, "Oddity,"

coming up after a few commercials.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs, speaking for myself

and for Darcy the Mail Girl

when I say that when you do your taxes...

pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered

And the Drive-In will never die.

-What?

-Darcy, you know, we're nearing the end of our Shudder run.

Maybe you should-- Maybe--

Maybe you should laugh at my jokes?

-Oh, sorry. Okay.

Let me finish a fruity drink real quick,

and then I can do that for you.

-Really? You're really gonna laugh?

-Let's go. Let's do it. -Alright.

Um, my cellphone accidentally

took a 10-minute video of my shoes yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage.

-Ha ha ha! Footage! Wow.

Good? Is that good?

-No. -I'll try...

-I made a paper airplane, but it wouldn't fly.

It was just stationery.

-Like the paper! I get it! Oh, my God!

-Yeah! -Paper!

-I just walked past a man who kept saying,

"One, three, five, seven, nine."

I thought to myself, "How odd."

-Ha. Ha. Ha.

-'Cause they're odd numbers! -What?!

Oh. I didn't get it at first. Sorry.

-Somebody told me my clothes were gay.

I said, "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

-Okay. I actually did laugh at that one.

-I was at the airport, and my friend suggested

we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said, "Let's not get carried away."

-You're making this really hard.

-Wait. I should be telling witch jokes.

-Alright. Do it. -This is Witches Night.

I should be telling witch jokes.

-I'll laugh at every witch joke.

-Oh.

Why was the witch's résumé denied?

She couldn't spell.

-Wow! Good one.

-What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broommates.

-So good. So good.

-Why do witches fly on brooms? -I don't know.

-'Cause vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

-That's true!

-How do witches stay in shape? -That makes sense.

-They get lots of hexercise.

-Hm.

-Come on, you guys. Laugh.

-Yeah, that's right! Ha ha! Hey!

-What do witches put on their bagels?

-Scream cheese! -Scream cheese!

-You knew that one! -Sorry. Sorry.

I did know that one.

-Where can you learn how to be a witch?

Wiccapedia.

-Break it down. That's rough.

-I did the best I could.