Original subtitles

Don't look away.

[opening theme]

Don't put that on telly!

Whoa! I might just do this all day.

Aah!

This is weird!

So tight.

[cheering and applause]

Welcome!

Welcome to a brand-new series of Taskmaster.

[cheering and applause]

Five fresh comedians have been prepared in our laughter kitchen

and are about to be thrown into the buffet of fun

to see if any of them have what it takes to

be a main course at the giggle feast. I hope so.

I'm Henry VIII of Chuckles and my big belly is in need of laughs.

Yum, yum!

So, let's meet our new cast of competitors and marvel at their reputations

and stature while they're still intact.

Please welcome Amy Gledhill!

Armando Iannucci!

Joanna Page!

Joel Dommett!

And Kumail Nanjiani!

[cheering and applause]

And next to me, a man who admitted to me when he was tipsy that if he'd been

alive in the war, he probably would have defected to Mussolini's Italy, because

he loves pasta and he doesn't believe in freedom.

It's...

Little Alex Horne!

-[cheering and applause] -Okay. Hello. Thank you.

-Well, you're half right. Hello. -Hello.

What's the first prize task of the series, please, Little Alex Horne?

Well, Greg, you told them your problem and they're here to help because

the category is The Thing Most Likely to Deter People From Your Premises.

Yes. And this guy's got property coming out of his backside.

Greg will give five points to the thing he thinks is most likely to deter

people from their premises and all five deterrents

will head home with the episode winner.

But for now, Greg, it's back to you

and your backside, big time.

Thank you so much.

-Amy, welcome to the show. -Hello.

What have you bought to deter people from my property?

Very simple. Mrs Clatterbottom.

This is Mrs Clatterbottom, Greg.

[laughter]

Full size.

Yeah, she's good.

-She's good! -Where did you get Clatterbottom?

So, my friend hand-painted this mask: Mrs Clatterbottom.

And what's your plan to deter people from property?

-Are you going to put it in the window? -Yeah.

Like Home Alone style-y.

You know when a light goes on when you go into a garden or something?

-Yeah. -I think the light will actually go on in the living room

and you'll walk down the path and then the light will come on and Clatterbottom will be there.

-Clatterbottom's there? -Yeah.

I'm never going to break into that house.

-Well, that's a good start. -This is one of the strongest starts we've ever had.

-Well done. -But it doesn't mean it won't come last.

[laughter]

Armando, can you beat Clatterbottom?

Well, look, I've gone, like, just no-nonsense.

But I've just put a sign up on my gate, which is...

-This sign here is from Armando. -This sign here. Yeah.

[laughter]

I've just got an extra layer of security.

Yeah.

Which, as we all know, don't really exist.

So are you presuming that people trying to break into your house

are going to be like, oh, no, I'll have to pay £15 to go rob stuff from you?

If someone's going to steal from me, I might as well make some money from it.

I mean, sometimes you're going to have to suspend disbelief on this show.

These have been good, Joanna. Now, someone's going to mess up.

-Right. -What have you brought me?

I have brought in a mould of my own head, which I've dressed up,

and a sign inviting people to come and join me in my hot tub.

[laughter]

This is a mould...

I did a film years ago

and I had to have a lobotomy in it.

And so they did, like, a mould thing of my head, where they put, like,

this green alginate sort of stuff on it.

And so they gave me this head at the end of filming, and I was like, well,

I've got nothing to do with it, so I put it in my parents' wardrobe.

And then my son, who's ten, a while ago, found it.

I've never had so much information in my life.

I own this sign, but I do think if someone has a sign...

I don't have a hot tub, but I do have this sign.

And if somebody, I think, asks you to go and sit in a hot tub with them,

to relax and sing and laugh, I wouldn't go anywhere near that house.

Okay, I'm going to have to develop some rules for you.

[laughter]

God, normally, someone's been absolutely rubbish by now, and I've had to shout at them.

-Hello, Joel. -Do you want to check that?

It is a glittery frame, and inside that glittery frame

is my son's umbilical cord.

[gags] Oh, that's good.

I love my son, but that bit of congealed blood and skin, I don't want to be framed.

[Greg] Whose idea was it?

Because it's like a nice thing when it gets, you know...

It's not a nice thing, is it? We've agreed that.

Yeah, but I didn't know that's what it looks like when it dries.

-Ah. -So it was, like, appealing when it was wet?

-Imagine if that was, like, hung on my door. -Okay.

You know, you'd be like, whoa, whoa, this...

I've got to go now.

Thieves around Britain are going to be ready for you.

It's incredible.

Kumail, hello. What have you brought me?

I think this sign speaks for itself.

Yes, Kumail has brought this in.

[laughter and applause]

Nobody's going in there.

Is this a real Department of Homeland Security sign?

No, it's not a real one, Greg.

I'm trying to stay away from where the real signs are.

It's strong. Okay. Here come my points.

I'm giving Joel's horrible umbilical cord one point.

Not because it's not fascinating but because it wouldn't stop me from robbing him.

Now, Department of Homeland Security, is it going to put me off over here?

Oh, it's over here, right.

They don't have jurisdiction.

Fuck.

-Two points to Kumail. -Okay.

I very much found it amusing, Armando, but if I was a really committed villain,

-I don't think I'd get £15 out. Three points. -Right.

And then we're up to the two creepy women.

I'll just do it on gut instinct.

I found Clatterbottom slightly more creepy than Lobotomy Girl.

-Four points to you, five points to you. -Well done.

Five points, Amy Gledhill.

Right, what is the first task proper of the series, please, Alex?

Well, it's actually something a little...

[honks]

Wait.

What you doing?

What's going on?

I've got an egg.

-[Alex] You've got a what? -Has no-one else got an egg?

[Alex] Can we see your egg?

Oh, no. Yeah, I see what's happened here, Greg.

There's a chance I might have forgotten to give this one to everyone.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry. Let's have a look.

Oh.

Closer than I expected.

So there's something in your pigeonhole, Joel.

-Can I? -Mm-hmm.

Protect this egg.

It's in your pigeonhole.

That's my egg?

You must have this egg with you, unseen, for every task

and every episode in the studio.

Wow.

You must hand Alex your wholly intact egg within 30 seconds

every time the egg timer goes off.

If you mention, damage or lose your egg, you are disqualified.

Your time starts now.

Oh, there's the egg.

And I can't damage it.

-No, you've got about six months. -Six months.

Do you want a little practice?

[honks]

That was well within time.

Okay, you can go now.

Bye-bye.

[cheering and applause]

This is so mad.

-I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. -That was...

The whole time that we were backstage, I was like, oh, where is everyone else's egg?

[laughter]

No, I'm so sorry, Joel, I'm so sorry.

And also, you'll notice it didn't say, if you do it, you'll get any points,

so it's, um...

I guess it's up to you, Greg, if we get to episode ten and he's still got the egg

and he still reveals it on the horn.

Oh, no, there'll be no points.

-Okay. -Well, that's going to be a lot of fun for everyone.

And now, as if things couldn't get any better, I've got worms.

Oh.

-Caravan? -Yeah. Yeah, why not?

Are you a caravan guy?

No, I hate them.

Oh. I like this.

Yeah.

I like that cat and I'd have that in my house.

There's a lot of things I'd have here in my house.

Right, well, we'll keep an eye on you, then.

[laughs]

-Why aren't you inside? -Sometimes I go outside.

Doesn't look like it.

Find a worm.

Find a worm.

Find a worm. Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

Let's go.

Okay, find a worm, find a worm, find a little worm.

A worm, find a worm.

What does that mean?

Ah, do you not have worms in America?

-We have worms. -Well, find one, then.

[applause]

I think we should just crack on with it, really.

Okay, and we're going to initiate, invertebrate, investigate

-with Amy Gledhill and Joanna Page. -[whistles]

My automatic thought is to go into the garden and dig it up, but that would be cruel

and there probably isn't going to be a worm in the garden.

There's going to be a worm here somewhere.

Find a worm, find a worm. Find a worm.

-Yeah, any worm. -Any worm.

But then what about an earworm?

Like, what's it called when there's a worm in your ear?

I think you said it.

-An earworm. Hm. -An earworm.

Like an actual worm?

Find a worm.

Find a worm.

A worm.

-Find a worm. -Find a worm.

-Where would a worm be? -Where would a worm be?

Find a worm.

A worm, a worm.

No, you're a duck.

It can't be that I'm digging for worms, can it?

Find a worm.

What are these, maggots?

[screams] Right.

They're maggots, they're not worms, are they?

Is that a worm?

Might be.

It's not a worm, 'cause I know what a... It's not a worm.

Right.

That's a worm.

Oh, you've got a mealworm.

That's a mealworm.

Yeah, lovely, lovely.

We're going to dig up the garden.

This is like when it's been raining, that's when they come up.

[Alex] Yeah, there's going to be hundreds in a minute.

[gasps] Oh, my God, I found a worm!

I found a worm! I don't want to touch it 'cause I don't like touching them.

I found a worm.

You found a worm.

I found a worm.

I've probably talked about it.

[applause]

Well, I think we know who the BBC are coming to when Attenborough finally retires.

There was quite a long period of that VT that you were just both walking around

saying, find a worm.

And I sort of imagined if one of your family members had've

been there, they'd have turned to me and gone, she does this.

Where do we stand on mealworms being worms or not?

Well, I'll tell you now, I'm making a judgement.

The mealworm's a worm, so if that was presented, it's a worm.

Okay, well, Joanna, 14 minutes 30

till she charmed the worm out of the ground, unharmed.

But Amy, you won't believe it, three minutes 35 to find a worm, a worm.

Wow. I would have said, she was saying, find a worm for one hour.

Okay.

-[honks] -Oh, stop it.

Hey!

Quick, quick, quick!

Quick!

Well done.

We're now going to give two Hollywood superstars a reality check

by making them look for worms just like the rest of us have to.

It's Armando Iannucci and Kumail Nanjiani.

Okay, where would a worm be?

Early birds? Early birds get worms?

You want me to find you an early bird?

Would it have a worm in its mouth?

Not at this time of day.

You're looking for a worm.

That's not it.

What do you mean, find a worm?

It's the little wiggly guys.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever looked for a worm before?

I don't think I have.

-I get that impression. -I don't... I've never been into worms.

-Are those worms? -I don't know, really.

They are.

Well, up to you, really. They're called mealworms.

Can you search, is a mealworm a worm?

Okay.

No, a mealworm is not a true worm.

It's the larval stage of a darkling beetle.

I should not have had you search for that.

Books, in books, worm... a bookworm.

I love books, so I'm a bookworm.

I am a bookworm.

And this is a reminder of the other sort of worm.

And, you know, that's it.

-Would you like me to stop the clock? -I think so.

I mean, in my head, it stopped a long time ago.

What am I doing?

If I sit here...

-Oh, my God. -That's a worm.

I just got a flashback to when my cat had something like this.

I saw one coming out of my cat's...

Wormhole?

Out of my cat's wormhole.

-[applause] -He caught a worm.

There's this trend, Armando, on this show where...

-And I speak of a man of a certain vintage. -Thank you very much.

Where I find myself pointing out how grumpy and or disinterested

people of a certain vintage can sometimes appear on this show.

You're the first to do both.

Yeah.

But, in the final analysis, pretty good.

I thought, I'm buying bookworms straight away.

-Oh, fantastic. There we go. -Yeah, you like that.

So, of the three we've done,

two of them have not found worms.

Mealworm is not a worm and a bookworm...

A mealworm is a worm.

It's not a worm.

-I've already given the points, now. -Yes, stop.

-No, you haven't. -I have.

Kumail, stop.

I love you, Amy, and I do think, okay, you know what, you're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She should certainly have a point.

Well, just one sweet little boy left to go.

It's Joel Dommett.

I know exactly where to look.

I'm going in the kitchen right now.

Is that a worm? Is that one, then?

I've stopped the clock.

[applause]

I wrote, your enthusiasm was infectious,

you were so pleased that you'd remembered the worm,

but I was a teacher for many years, and if you'd invaded

my space, like you did with Alex,

it would have resulted in retribution.

Long since not been acceptable in schools.

Excited boy, isn't he?

Yes, but who wouldn't be?

You'd be excited if you found a worm in 21.8 seconds.

Come on!

[applause]

And that boy gets the full five points.

Joel, 21.8 seconds, five points.

But then it gets interesting.

We have Amy in second place.

Joanna, third place.

Armando, the bookworm, 16 minutes

and one point to Kumail. It took half an hour to find...

-Oh, my God! -...to find his worm.

Well done, Kumail.

[applause]

Right, let's see the first scoreboard of the series, please.

Assistant.

Okay, well, unfortunately that means,

Kumail, you're in last place with three.

Amy's in the lead with nine points.

[cheering and applause]

Well done, Amy.

Okay, I'd like another task and I'd like to see how they work together in teams.

-[all] Ooh. -It's a great call from a great guy with great thighs.

Yes, it's the first team task of the series and I, for one, am buzzing.

[buzzing]

Armando.

-Alex. -Good morning.

Good morning. Are these all fake?

What do you mean?

[hollow knocking]

-That's what a pineapple sounds like. -Nope.

-[knock on door] -Hello?

Come in.

-Hi! -Hi!

Oh, my God!

-Hi. -Hi, I'm Amy.

Hi, I'm Kumail. Nice to meet you.

-How are you doing? -I'm great. Nice to meet you.

-Any particular favourite amongst them? -A lime.

A lime.

A lime.

There's one particular lime.

-Right. -Oh, hello.

-Hello. -Hello. Hi.

-Hiya. -Nice to see you.

-Hi, nice to see you too. -How long have you been here?

Literally just walked in.

-Right. -Yes.

-What, off the street? -Yes, yeah.

No, from around the corner.

There's your buzzer, Amy.

So now I'll have someone to melt down with.

-Aaah! -Hey.

Hey, guys.

-How's it going? -Hi.

-Good to see you, Amy. -Hi, I'm Kumail.

-You're so famous. -Let's hug. Nice to meet you.

You're so famous.

You look very cool.

Like a leather cap.

-Look how cool. -Thanks, man.

Thank you.

I wonder what that is.

Would you like one as well, Joanna?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Joel, like me, if you Google you, the second picture is you without a shirt.

I'm frustrated it's not the first.

Wow!

-Oh, my gosh. -Shall we all do it together?

-Yes, come on, then. -Okay, then, here we go.

Right, go.

Right.

Give Greg five foods correctly.

When the buzzer buzzes, give Greg one food.

If you give Greg the wrong food, you must start again.

If your buzzer does not buzz, you must stay in this room.

First team to give Greg five correct foods wins.

You have a maximum of 35 minutes and your time starts immediately.

Who's Greg?

Well, have you seen the show?

Oh, Greg! [laughs]

[intense music]

[applause]

-Okay. -Are you okay?

-Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. -You sure?

Not everyone knows.

I was in the moment and because you weren't in the room at that time,

I was like, oh, my God, what's going on? What have I got to look at?

-Yeah. -Who's Greg?

-Hey, let's see the teams in action, can we? -Yes.

And we're going to begin by seeing if the team of three figured it out.

It's Joel, Amy and Kumail.

Here we go.

[buzzing]

-Oh, it's a buzzer! -Oh, it's buzzing!

We have to give them a correct food.

I'm going to go orange, potentially,

next green, potentially...

Let's try it.

All right, yes.

He said, all right, yes.

-OK. -[buzzing]

It's me, it's me.

Shall we go for another fruit?

A pineapple?

Oh, yes.

Yes! He liked the pineapple!

-He liked the pineapple. -He liked the pineapple, okay.

-[buzzing] -All right.

Onion.

Onion. Onion.

-He's so famous. -Famous. [laughs]

Ooh.

Ooh, no.

-[buzzer sounds] -[sighs]

Bad news, guys.

Oh, shit! Okay, okay.

Okay, so these are the ones we know he likes.

Yeah.

Okay, yes.

Yes.

No, I wouldn't have thought so, no.

Oh, God, okay.

-No. -Doesn't like the pea.

Doesn't like the pea, okay.

The carrot goes there, we like it.

Pea goes over here.

-[buzzing] -Yes.

Yes!

Guys, we just need one more.

-That was good. He likes it. -Oh, my God.

We just need one more.

Yes, please.

Loves the cucumber.

-Okay. -Oh, so we've got it all.

We just have to wait until they buzz

and then we can go.

-[buzzing] -Oh, this is fun now.

-Okay. -Now we can just enjoy ourselves.

Wow, we really, really nailed that one.

-No. -[buzzer sounds]

No?

What? He said no. He said no to carrot.

-He said yes to carrot before. -So there's an order.

-Okay. -So he liked this, then this.

The mood has really changed.

-Yes. -Yes. What do you want, Greg?

Was that always there, the drink price?

'Cause there are five things there.

There's one over here as well.

It says instead of time starts now,

it says time starts immediately.

And your time starts immediately.

Why is it immediately instead of now?

Is it syllables?

Like, and your time starts immediately.

Egg, meat, fruit, protein, vegetables.

Oh. Each one has more letters than the last.

Each one has more.

Okay, okay.

Can we go up from orange?

Carrot.

Oh!

Yes.

Yes.

-How much time do we have left? -You've got about 40 seconds.

[both] Oh!

-Oh, this is great, guys. This feels real. -We don't have much time left.

-Give us a buzz! -Give us a buzz!

-[buzzing] -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Feels like that final scene in The Eternals.

You've never seen it.

I've seen it, though.

Yes, please.

Yes! One more, one more, one more!

15 seconds.

-Oh! -Hey!

Everybody come here. Whoever it is will run.

Buzz!

Make a buzz!

-[buzzing] -No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-Ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes. -Yes! Yes!

-Guys. -We did it.

-That was... -We came through it.

[applause]

Well, it was, it was a shaky start when I witnessed

two grown adults turn into like, Take That fans.

So famous...

But every time he left, we were like...

[both scream]

Although actually you were a pretty cohesive team, I thought.

-They were a good team. -They were working well.

Amy, what was all that syllable bullshit towards the end though?

-What was all that? -Do you know, in primary school,

you go, who is Greg? Alex? Two syllables.

Yeah. How does it apply to this task? Sorry.

But the words were getting bigger.

Oh, she was on the right lines.

So was it Amy that worked out that the words were getting bigger?

Yeah. That there, there were more syllables. Yeah.

Ah, I apologise for calling your system bullshit.

Apology accepted.

Next up representing Scotland and Italy and Wales,

it's Armando and Armando and Joanna.

Right. There's a pineapple here.

Is it stuff that's in here?

-Yeah. -[buzzing]

[gasps] It's you. It's you.

-Alright, yes. -Yes.

Why do we have such a long time?

It's because we've got to discover things.

-Food. -That was it.

Egg, meat, fruit, protein, vegetables.

-So meat? -Meat.

-[buzzing] -It's you again.

-Give him a meat. -Right. Hang on.

I'm afraid it's a no.

-[buzzer sounds] -Oh, fuck it.

He's really nice. It's the first time I've met him. He's a lot slower than me.

It sort of highlights my manicness.

-That was a rejection. -No way.

-No, I know. -Oh, my God. So we've got to start again.

-[buzzing] -Oh, your buzzer now, Joanna.

We need to do them in order.

-I'm gonna go and get an egg from the kitchen. -Right. Okay.

How are you finding being on a team with Joanna so far?

It's certainly...

uh, woken me up.

Your egg. You've got an egg.

-Yes. -Ooh!

I think she's got high expectations of you, Armando.

[laughs]

-What? -Nothing.

-He said yes. -Excellent.

-Maybe we should go for meat as second. -Oh, egg, meat.

-I think yes, on this occasion. -Yes.

-Oh, my God. Eat a fruit now. -On this occasion.

We've got you a pineapple.

-Oh, yes. -Oh, yes. Brilliant.

-So we've gotta find a protein. -Some protein.

What about that?

Or will he just go, that is just basically a cow?

[buzzing]

-No. -[buzzer sounds]

Oh, I've broken the egg.

I've broken the egg.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

-Oh, you are kidding me! -I've broken the egg.

-I've broken the egg. -[buzzing]

Right. We're going with our trusty egg.

Yes.

-Cool. -Yes.

We're trying an orange this time.

Yes, please.

I'm just wondering if it's spelling out E-B...

-E-B-O... -Ebola.

No, it can't spell out Ebola.

[buzzing]

Thigh, breast, chicken.

-Do you like it? -Alright then. Yes.

Cool.

-Five foods cooked. -[buzzing]

-Oh. -Should we just go for it?

-See what happens. -Okay.

Cauliflower, Greg, but we dunno why.

-Ooh, yeah. Yeah. -Oh, my God.

He said yes. He said yes.

Yes.

-I have stopped the clock. -Excellent.

Do you know why you succeeded?

-No. -No.

[laughs]

[applause]

-Brilliant. -You don't need to know.

It's a fascinating dynamic, this.

I can't wait to see this team play out.

Instinctively, we just, we gelled.

-Yeah, we didn't need to know what the, er... -No, we didn't...

And just as well, because you thought we were trying to get you to spell out Ebola.

Yes, yeah.

-Ebola. -La!

Oh, that does make more sense now.

-Shall I tell you some timings, Greg? -Yes, please.

Well, we know the team of three found it just in the nick of time, nearly 35 minutes.

The team of two,

21 minutes.

-Yes! -Wow.

They get the five points.

So how many points should the team of three get?

-They did succeed. -They did succeed.

Three points. Five and three.

Five, and three points to the team of three.

[applause]

Right. Another task please.

And can it be big fun on a big scale?

Yes and yes because you deserve it, Greg.

Also, just so you know, I'm in great shape.

I was told not to do that.

Where is he?

[laughs]

Why are you laughing?

You look incredible.

Well, it's a hot day.

Hi, Joel.

Hello, Alex.

You've been working out.

I need to go to the gym.

You look really good.

-Do you mind? -Yeah, go on then, yeah.

-It's so warm. -Yeah, I might join you.

This is really exciting.

Put the most T-shirts on Alex.

Alex will only wear T-shirts launched from the T-shirt launcher...

And onto a target according to the T-shirt launcher rules. There.

If a T-shirt lands in a blue circle,

Alex must wear that T-shirt.

White circle,

Alex must wear every T-shirt that has been fired.

So the white circle's the best one.

If a T-shirt lands on the central target, that T-shirt must be dunked in the bucket,

then put on Alex.

Then that is the end of the task. Oh, God.

If a T-shirt lands in a red circle,

Alex must take off every T-shirt that he's wearing.

You must always launch upwards and each T-shirt can only be launched once.

If you catch the golden T-shirt,

your T-shirt total will be doubled.

You have 20 minutes or until you run out of T-shirts.

Your time starts on the whistle.

Have you used a T-shirt launcher before?

No. I've never used a T-shirt launcher before, Alex.

-What do you think my life is? -I've used one before.

I worked at the basketball.

-Uh-huh. The basketball? -For the Lakers.

-Who's your favourite player on the Lakers? -Cube, Cube.

Cube is good.

Fuck, he's good.

[applause]

Right. Well, Greg, Kumail is up first

with Armando and Joel, but before we begin, I do have to

give one of these, uh, health and safety warnings about the video that's coming up.

Just look at the size of his arms. They're massive.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay.

Just a test.

Whoo!

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa. Oh, very satisfying.

I might just do this all day.

-I'm trying something else. -Okay.

New strategy.

It's never happened to me before.

It's not usually a problem I have.

That has happened to you before.

Yeah, it just happened to me now twice in a row.

Oh, no. Take it off.

Well, I'm not wearing a T-shirt, luckily.

-Okay. -This is so fun, man.

Oh, that one un-flapped.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[gleeful laughter]

Oh!

A lovely launch.

Yes, that's on the white.

It's touching the white.

I don't think it is.

Stay there.

Okay.

Is that on the white?

That's not on the white either. It's golden T-shirt time.

Golden T-shirt time.

-So, ah, right. -Okay.

Got to try and catch this, haven't I?

Yeah. Being careful.

-Being careful. Yeah. -Yeah.

This is nerve wracking.

Best of luck.

Don't need it, mate.

Are you good at catching?

Yeah, I've been catching T-shirts my whole life.

Oh, okay.

A bit of extra juice.

Good. Come on, come on.

Come on. I can't even remember what it does.

[buzzer sounds]

What does it do?

[honks]

Oh.

It's not so bad.

Thank you, Joel.

Pleasure. Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

Yeah. I've never dressed someone in a wet T-shirt before, honestly.

15 T-shirts left.

Oh, interesting.

[buzzer sounds]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, it's so wet.

-Arms up. And two. -Well, it's quite cold.

-Next one. -Yep.

Doesn't say I have to be behind the line.

There is no line.

Right. I've got two minutes to put on as many T-shirts as possible.

You have two minutes? No, you should all, put 'em... Put 'em on. Here.

One and a half minutes.

Okay. Hurry up. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Is this your first day of putting on T-shirts? Come on, man.

No.

Why are you so bad at it?

-[whistle blows] -That's the end of the task. Your time's up.

-To think you've built this for two T-shirts. -It's all coming down now.

[applause]

Wow. Goodness me. Have we ever had a contrast between men

like we have here?

The opening reaction to the T-shirt launch was like, whoa, whoa!

And then we cut over here and it's like, oh, very satisfying.

Kumail, you were a real action hero for about 30 seconds.

I went, this man's gonna be deadly accurate.

So then it was just a total collapse.

Yeah. The T-shirt dribbled out of there a couple times.

Once you stop trusting yourself, there's nowhere to go.

He's right.

There are only two people left to go.

It is Amy and Joanna.

This is fun.

Okay.

Whoo!

[screams] Oh, my good God.

[laughs]

Wow!

Wow, wow!

Wow!

Right.

Well, that goes far, doesn't it?

Can I take some of these T-shirts down there?

Yeah, I can bring the thing down for you if you want.

Oh, my God. Come on. Let's go down.

Okay. I'm strong, remember.

Okay. [laughs]

What am I doing with the gold one now?

You're trying to catch it. If you catch it,

your total at the end will be doubled.

Are you good at catching?

Yep.

Okay.

[buzzer sounds]

[screams]

Oh, my God, that was incredible.

I have to say, I've let myself down earlier on, but I think I brought it back with that.

[gasps] Oh!

All I gotta do is get something on the white and then you've gotta put the loads on.

-Mm-hmm. -Right. I'm not gonna think about it.

Yes! Yes!

-So I start putting them on? -Yeah, start getting them on.

I'm just gonna help you put on T-shirts.

There's a wasp.

Oh, you're like a big baby.

I never had a man in front of me put his clothes on this fast before ever.

-[bell dings] -Yes!

You got to dunk that in the bucket,

put it on me, and that's the end of the task.

Oh, yes.

There we go.

It's like putting a condom on a sausage.

Oh, my gosh. This is brilliant. That's amazing.

-You've run out? -Yeah.

-[blows whistle] -Task over.

Brilliant. High five.

Thank you.

[applause]

Well, I guess the obvious first question is, have you put a condom on a sausage?

-Have you? -Maybe once.

They both managed to get a lot of T-shirts on me. They were running at the time.

You dunked one at the end 'cause you wanted to put a wet one on me.

-Excuse me? -Time was running out.

So both women got 24 T-shirts on.

-Wow. -24.

-Great job. -Wow.

-But Joanna, you doubled the number of shirts you put on me. -What does that do to the score?

Well, it means Armando gets one point for his one T-shirt.

Joel got six, so he gets two points.

Kumail, 12, three points.

Amy twice as many.

24, 4 points.

Joanna, twice as many again,

48 T-shirts and five points to Joanna.

[cheering and applause]

-Shall we see the scoreboard, then? -Sure. Yes.

And it does mean the women are on top,

Joanna's at the top of the leaderboard with 17.

Then Amy on 16 points.

[applause]

Alright, everyone, can you please make your way to

the stage for the first final task of the show.

[applause]

Hello, my handsome prince.

-I'm a little worm. Hello, Greg. -Hello.

-Who will be reading the task for us? -I think Joanna Page.

Ah. Joanna Page.

You ready?

Find four oranges.

If you find an apple, you miss your next go.

If you find a lemon, the order reverses.

If you find a duck, you must greet the duck by name.

If you find an orange, you can look under another can.

Fastest to find four oranges in one turn wins.

-Who's starting, Alex? -Amy's gonna start.

I've also gotta say, only one person gets points here.

Only the orange finder gets five points.

Ready?

-Ready. -Amy.

-Find the orange! -Find the orange.

-An apple. -Apple, that means?

-I miss my next go. -You miss your next go. Armando. You're up.

Apple. You miss your next go

Lemon. That means the order reverses. You miss a go. You miss a go.

So it's Kumail's turn.

[gasps]

Hello, Dave?

Oh, hello, Dr Cooper.

Yes.

Hello, Dave,

[grunts]

Please.

Come on.

Aaah!

Fuck you, Debbie.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh.

-Oh. -Yes. Yes.

[all groan]

Denise, your bitch.

Here we go. Good feeling, good vibes.

Oh.

Oh.

Debbie, where are the fucking oranges?

Yes!

-Oh. -Hiya, Dave.

Donna?! Huh, Donna?

-He twiddles the moustache. -Oh.

[gasps]

No! Focus!

[screams]

[indistinct chatter]

Armando.

Right that.

That.

Yeah.

It's one of these, and I can't remember which one it was.

Mm... [screams]

[screams]

Yes.

-Oh, my God. -I feel very confident.

-Don't listen to them. -No.

Come on, Joanna.

Yes.

I've always thought you'd be the one, Joanna.

I always thought Joanna...

Whoa.

-Yes, right. -Feels good, doesn't it?

-Yes. -Yeah, this feels right.

Joanna, this could be the greatest moment in Taskmaster history.

Oh, my God.

[screams]

[cheering and applause]

-You did it! -Come down here, we'll add that to the final score!

[cheering and applause]

-Wow, wow, wow. -Wow, wow, wow.

Well, only one person was able to

snuffle out the four oranges

and that was of course Joanna Page.

You get the full five points.

[cheering and applause]

You truly snuffled for Wales there, Joanna.

She did, which means the final league table, we have

Armando and Joel, joint third on 11 points.

And I say that because Joanna's got twice as many points.

She's won the episode with 22 points!

[cheering and applause]

Joanna Page wins!

Please pop up and claim your property to keep folk off your property.

[cheering and applause]

So what have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt that Taskmaster is the great leveller.

If you take part,

there is no hierarchy.

There is no ego.

It's just five humans being together.

But also, oh my, God, he's so famous.

We have begun.

We'll see you soon for episode two,

but for now, here is your winner for the night, Joanna Page!

[cheering and applause]

[closing theme]