All language subtitles for Season 21, Episode 3

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

Don't look away.

Don't put that on telly!

Oo-ar!

I might just do this all day.

Argh! This is weird.

So tight.

ALL EXCLAIM

Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

Five comedy show ponies

put through their paces
at the Gymkhana of Laughs,

the Grand National of Chuckles,

the Dressage of Mirth.

Who will get off to a good start
on firm ground today?

Who will refuse at the first jump?

And who, God forbid,
will have to be humanely destroyed?

Let's find out now!

Please welcome Amy Gledhill,

Armando Iannucci,

Joanna Page,

Joel Dommett

and Kumail Nanjiani.

And next to me,
a man who is surprising

in so, so many ways.

He loves to paint, for example,

he's a keen bird-watcher,

and he has a tattoo on his
lower back that simply reads,

"Free Britney."

♪ Little Alex Horne! ♪

I just think it's about time.
Get her out.

How are you going to irritate me in
the first two minutes of this show?

I'm not going to irritate you.
I've got something

that I'm going to show you
that you're going to love... Mm.

...because I got
my very first smartphone.

AMY LAUGHS

You want to see it? Yeah.

It's a smartphone. Oh.

It's a smart...
Look, there's my little face.

It's a smartphone.
It's all dressed up smart.

Oh, right. Yeah.

I thought you'd like that.
I think two things.

I'm irritated because
that will be the end of the joke.

There'll be no... Right?

What, you think
there should be more?

Is there a follow-up?
I knew you were going to say that.

Note to self -
make sure you think of a follow-up

to the really funny smartphone...

Yeah, no, I...

I sort of think
there's something in that.

I think sort of moronic teenagers
would buy that, wouldn't they?

I've got three, so, yeah, maybe.

I'll ask them when I get home.

Put the face up again.
It's my face. Wa-hey!

Nice. Can we copyright that
live on air?

That's a thing, isn't it?
Copyright. Copyright!

On with the prize task.

What have they brought in this time?

Well, Greg, we've still got
loads of good ideas

for prize task categories,
but this week they've brought in

the most fun thing
to drag behind you

on a piece of string
when you go for a walk.

We all drag string behind us
when we go for a walk,

but what's the most fun thing
to be on that string?

Well, the owner of the thing
judged to be most fun

will be given
five points by you, Greg.

And also, this is important...

No, actually, I'm done.

That was it.

Been quite funny today.

Hello, Kumail. Greg.

I'm a 47-year-old man, Greg. Yeah.

And to me, nothing is more fun than
going to bed at a reasonable hour,

so what I would love to drag
behind me on a piece of string is

an early-to-bed kit.

Let's look at it. OK.

It's a clock without an alarm set,

melatonin, sleep mask

and a diary with one plan
that they cancelled on me on!

Oh, I'm getting hard just
thinking about it.

This is one sweet bit of kit.

You and I should
hang out more often,

maybe just in one giant bed...
Yeah.

...with biscuits.
5pm dinner, and then, to bed.

Joel, what's your fun thing
to drag around on a bit of string?

A parachute attached
to your hip, right?

Here is a video of me dragging
such a thing behind me.

You might have noticed,
the eagle-eyed amongst you,

that there was some writing
on that parachute.

Prepare yourself, Greg, you're going
to absolutely love this. Here we go.

It's a play on words...
It's a play on...

Don't like play on words.
Don't like them.

I know you don't.
Don't like it.

I know you don't,
but I was really...

It's not clever. It's not clever.
Puns aren't clever!

Not a fan of The Masked Singer,
I assume.

I have not missed an episode.

I don't mind play on words.

I love you having a parachute,
because you're far too healthy

and fit and bouncy and happy

and I like the idea of you being
slowed down occasionally.

Mm-hm. It's nice.

Amy, you're next.
What have you brought in?

Well, I brought a projector
on wheels...

Mm. All right.
...projecting a fun video.

And it is a fun video.

I shall be the judge of that.

This is what Amy brought in.

And that's just constantly playing,

You have to charge
the battery for 15 minutes,

and it'll play that for an hour.
Yeah.

It's...

It's sort of a phenomena
of some kind,

that it's only the long breast
I can concentrate on.

I thought, "What's fun?"

So you started with a blank canvas.
A blank sheet of paper.

"What's...? In life, what's fun?"

I put, "Fun." Circled it... Yeah.

And then put a little circle
in the middle of that circle...

A little circle in the middle,
and then wrote...

And then an even smaller one.

And then wrote, "Fun bags."

Fun bags. Yeah. Fun bags.
Fun bags. Oh. Oh.

Yeah, they're literally fun.

One of those bags isn't fun.

Joanna.

I have brought a hip flask
in the shape of a fish

full of sherry.

Yes. Ooh. Thank you.

At last, a sensible voice.

Now, my love of sherry started
when I was about seven...

...because... Strap in!

So I lost my appetite
after chicken pox.

My nan, who was a matron
in a hospital... Mm-hm.

...told my mum the best way
to get my appetite back

was to give me sherry.

It's funny how medical standards
have changed over the years.

So my love of sherry started then.

It then continued when we got
our first dog, a spaniel...

Oh, no. Hang on.

You weren't eight
when you got the dog, were you?

No, I was about eight. We're not
going year by year, Joanna.

We used to take our dog for a walk
down Park Mill,

which was this lovely place
in the woods.

But there was a pub
and then a big car park... OK.

...and then you'd walk out the back
and there'd be the woods.

My dad would get the dog out,
and then they'd go into the pub,

get me a glass of sherry,
and I'd have my glass of sherry,

and then we'd go for our walk.

And so that is why
I think everything in life

is better with a glass of sherry.

So if I'm going for a walk,

I would have a hip flask
full of sherry.

Yeah. It's funny, isn't it?

Not only have I had time to write
down, "Joanna, one point," I've...

...I've drawn two flowers
either side of it. They're lovely.

Armando. Right, fun.

I thought a person
who you'd be surprised to meet,

but then when you saw her, you'd
think, "Oh, yeah, that is fun,"

which is Lorraine Kelly.

And I thought I could drag her
on an improvised trolley... OK.

...which is what I've done. Yes.

No!

So the winner of the episode

gets this cardboard cut-out of
Lorraine Kelly on a trolley.

I don't know who that is.
How dare you!

That's like me asking you
who Thomas Jefferson is.

Lorraine Kelly drew up
our constitution 200...

And every morning,
defends it on air.

I really liked all of those,

and it feels very mean
to give Joanna one point,

but there we are.

One point to Joanna.

If he hadn't stuck the pun on it,
he'd had been right up there.

Two points to Joel, OK.

Honestly, I think you'd be
at the top of the pile

if it wasn't for the long breast.

Argh! Just three points. OK.
Well done, Amy.

You, a man after my own heart,
four points.

But how can I beat...?
How can anyone beat Lorraine Kelly

being dragged on a trolley?
Of course, five points.

Five points to Armando. Thank you.

What's up first, please, Alex?

Well, we have
an instruction-heavy task

that will give everyone
a brand-new earworm. Mm?

You must now sing these words
with me.

Hello. Hello. Are you OK?

Have a seat.

OK.

How are you? I'm good.
Are you comfortable?

Yeah. You're loud.

Oh, hello.

OK, before you open that... Yeah?

Agh! Agh!

Ooh, Jesus! Ooh, Jesus!

Agh! Agh!

AMY LAUGHS

Ah!

It'd be better if the wind was going
in a different direction.

They're biodegradable, Joel.
I'm glad you clarified that.

Oh, my God.
I wish I'd put those on first.

I bet it's going to say,

"Time started when
the confetti cannon goes off."

I've seen this show.

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.
It's a lovely day for tasking.

"Put on the headphones,

"obey the instructions
and build the tower."

"When you think you have built
the correct tower,

"you must clap three times."

"Fastest correct tower wins.

"Your time started
when you first blinked."

Yeah, you did blink
when the confetti went off.

Oh, OK. Because you... Yeah.

But... Yeah. I've seen this show.

Five grown adults who react
to a confetti cannon going off

in the way that normal people would
react to being attacked by a tiger

have to build a tower.

Yes, they do. Shall we, then?
We shall.

And first up,

it's the Edinburgh Comedy
Award-winning stand-up Amy Gledhill

and also Joel Dommett.

At the bottom of the tower,
there is a red brick. Red brick.

At the top of the tower,
there is a blue brick.

On top of the bottom red brick,
there is a yellow brick.

You must hold up two green bricks
within the next two seconds

otherwise Alex
will dismantle your tower.

Lovely.

You must now sing,

♪ Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

Your turn.

♪ Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

Now wink at the camera.

Above the lowest yellow brick,
there is a yellow brick.

Above that yellow brick,
there are two more bricks,

then a yellow brick.

You must hold up a blue brick
in your left hand

and a red in your right hand
in the next two seconds

otherwise Alex
will dismantle your tower.

Very nice. You've got some confetti
in your hair.

OK.

You must now sing these words,

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

♪ Blue, red... ♪
♪ Yellow, red, red. ♪

Oh. You can do better than that.
Close?

From the bottom, it goes
red, something, something, red,

something, something, green,
something, something, blue.

The bottom brick should be red. Yes.

Argh! Now wink at the camera.

Wink at the camera.

Now wink at the camera.
Now wink at the camera.

Argh!

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

That bit's right.

The bottom brick is red.
Yes, I know that.

♪ Blue, green, yellow,
green, yellow. ♪

Is that a clue?

Now wave to the camera holding
a red brick in your right hand

and a blue brick in your left hand,

otherwise Alex will
dismantle your tower.

What was that? Oh, fuck!

I forgot which way round it was.

No, please don't do it!

You didn't wave to the camera,
Joel. No!

You didn't wave to the camera.

Let's start again.

# Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

Yes?
♪ Yellow. ♪

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

Yeah.

Now wave to the camera

holding a red brick and a blue
brick... No, I've finished!

...within the next two seconds...
Argh!

...otherwise Alex will dismantle
your tower.

I didn't hear what it said!
I didn't listen to that one!

No! No, no, no!

I have to dismantle your tower.

♪ Blue, green, yellow,
green, yellow. ♪

♪ Yellow, red, yellow,
yellow, blue. ♪

I've stopped the clock.

You may remove your headphones.
Is it right?

Looks right to me.

Fuck! Whew!

You're annoying.

Amy, I've got a question for you -

have you ever winked before?

I can't do it
without opening my mouth

and sort of doing this
horrible thing with my tongue.

Can we have a look at Amy's wink?
Oh, no.

OK, here's her wink.

Were you annoyed at any point?

Yeah, I was...

You were very sad when you
grabbed them like a child. Oh, yeah!

When you grabbed the tower. Yeah.

Well, I've never hugged
a brick before, and...

You said you've never held
a brick before.

That was the first time that it
felt like I'd done manual labour.

The times are not that bad.
Joel, 11 minutes, 44,

and Amy, nine minutes, 53,
in the lead at the moment. Ooh!

Well done, Amy. Very good.
OK. Ooh! It's not bad.

Shut up! It's the end of part one.

You think I want you talking?
Shut up!

We'll see you in a bit.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where Alex is tormenting our cast
with his horrible, whiny voice.

♪ Red, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

Yes, they just have
to follow my simple instructions

to stack the coloured bricks
in the correct order.

When happy with that order,

they need to clap three times
to end the task -

I can't stress enough
how important that bit is.

And so comes the turn of two guys
with very manly names.

It's Armando and Kumail - hunky.

That. That can go there.

At the bottom of the tower,
there is a red brick.

At the top of the tower,
there is a blue brick.

Blue is the top.

You must now sing these words
with me.

♪ Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

♪ Blue, green, yellow, yellow... ♪
Your turn.

♪ Blue, green, yellow, yellow,
green, yellow. ♪

BUZZER BUZZES
The bottom brick is red,

remember? Yes.

And the top one is blue. OK.

Now wink at the camera.

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

Lovely. This is like Guantanamo Bay.

From the bottom it goes
red, something, something, red,

something, something, green,
something, something, blue.

Oh, my God!

♪ Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

When you think you have built
the correct tower,

you must clap three times.

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

Uh-huh.

The even bricks are...

♪ Yellow, red, yellow,
yellow, blue. ♪

Yellow, red, yellow, yellow, blue.

KUMAIL CHUCKLES

When you think you have built
the correct tower,

you must clap three times.

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow,
fucking red. ♪

♪ Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

Which is that.
Have you nearly finished?

Pardon? Have you nearly finished?

I don't know!

ARMANDO CLEARS THROAT

Thanks, Kumail. How's it going?

I mean, I'm miserable.

You must clap three times.

♪ Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

Yes! Your turn.

♪ Blue, green, yellow, green,
yellow. ♪

Now wink at the camera.

I've stopped the clock. Oh, my God!

I forgot you could clap!

I've stopped the clock, Armando.

I forgot I could stop it
at any time.

I thought I had to
listen to all of this.

Yeah, I enjoyed that.
I'm glad YOU enjoyed it.

You finished it half your time ago.

So I did this for twice as long
as I needed to?

Exactly that, yeah.

I mean, absolutely textbook,

apart from forgetting
the three claps.

Your wink was incredible.

Oh, my God! Wowee!
Oh, my God, it was really nice.

One of the loveliest winks
I've ever seen. Yeah.

Well, when I was very young,
my dad told me,

"You should be able to wink so that

"only the person you're winking at
knows you're winking."

Wow.

What a creepy bit of advice.

Now...

Yes. Did you have a good time
during that?

One part of my brain,
I was enjoying myself,

and another part,
I was thinking, "Why?" Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, just
reordering coloured bricks,

you started weirdly coughing.

Yeah.

I don't know why I was coughing.

I thought... Maybe it's because
I saw that thing about

how it helped someone on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

...so I was just, "Aah-hargh!"

It was just sort of...

Don't take this the wrong way,
it sort of felt like we were

watching someone playing a game
in an old people's home.

Yeah. Yeah.

I have taken it the wrong way.

Tell me some times. Yeah.

Well, I mean, obviously,
Kumail would have been

the fastest so far
by quite a long way...

Really? ..had he clapped
when he was told to clap. Aw.

But 12 minutes 06.

Literally couldn't be closer
to Armando's,

because he was 12 minutes 30.

Oh. Couldn't be closer.

Who's next? Finally, it's time
to see Joanna Page stacking it.

I'm on.

OK, that's for the top.

♪ Blue, red, yellow, yellow, red. ♪

What the hell is it? It's green.

Then a yellow brick,
then another brick.

The top is blue,
so that must be green.

This is... It's not right.
It's not right.

Is there anything else
that's going to show me?

Waah!

AUDIENCE GASP
There. That's where it is.

Right. Right.

OK. Right.

I've stopped the clock.

I mean, I genuinely probably
would have kept going all day.

Yeah, I think so. You were
nowhere near getting it right.

Wow! Wow!

Well done. Well, I didn't trust you.
I knew something was up.

And also,
I just couldn't follow the song.

She was getting nowhere near.
It was just like... Yeah.

It took her eight minutes, 50.
Ooh.

If we went by who did
the tower first,

I would have had the shortest time?

Yeah. You did it the best
and the second worst.

That's life, though, isn't it? Mm.

If I hadn't consistently eaten pies
my whole life, I'd be able to run.

Unfortunately, Armando,
you're last with one point.

Kumail, you get two points

because you were so slow in the end.
Don't...

Joel was third, three points.
Four points to Amy.

But Joanna Page gets the full
five points. Yay!

Feels like it's scoreboard time,
is it?

It is, and it's so close
at this stage.

Armando, Joanna and Kumail
in joint second on six points.

Amy's in the lead with seven points.

Whoa! Wa-hey!
Sorry, Joel. And Joel.

Give me more task.

Yes, and just like
our relationship,

this task involves an equal amount
of hugging and grunting. Mm.

Oh, look. Right, here's the donkey.
He's...

Oh, my God,
he's got plasters on his bum.

Hello, Joel. Hello! Hello, Amy.

Hey! Hello, Kumail.

Please don't touch that
or look underneath it. Sorry.

Shall we...? Yes. Let's have a look.

"Paint the best painting
of the painting while hugging."

Right. Oh, that must be
the painting. Excellent.

"One person must always look
at the original painting

"and hug the other two people
with both arms.

"The other two people

"must always look
at the new painting."

"The hugger may only grunt."

Did you write this?

"The painter may ask questions
for one minute..."

"..then for the rest of the task,

"they may only say colours,
shapes or directions."

"Colours, shapes or directions."
You have ten minutes.

"Your time starts on the whistle."

I can't draw for toffee.
I don't mind.

Do you want to have a go?
OK. I'll paint, yeah. OK.

I kind of want to paint.
You want to paint? OK.

Do you want to paint? All right.

I might actually...
Right, you've got to...

...put my hands under there. Yeah.

I'm going to get a paintbrush
in each hand. Yeah, yeah.

OK.OK.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Are you looking at the painting?
KUMAIL GRUNTS

I had no idea... Mm.

...on top of all of your
many talents,

that you could do impressions.

Who's that? Oh, you don't know
your own impression?

Let's see it again.

HE GRUNTS

"Painting, I am!"

Let's see them do some painting.

Yes. Here they all are,
painting and grunting

and holding each other tightly.
GREG GRUNTS

Is it a human? Uh-huh.

It's a human.
Is it the Prime Minister?

Uh-uh.

Is it an animal? Uh-huh!

Yes, it's an animal. Yeah.

Is it a horse? Is it a donkey?

Urgh! It's a donkey?

Urgh! No, a horse. Argh-ah!

Is it a man? Uh-huh.

Is it just his head
or is it all of his body?

Hu-er, ah, eh, er!

It's a...
He on a ho-rse!

He's on a horse?

Is that grunting? Yeah.

He's on a horse. Uh-huh.

It's a horse with a jockey? Uh-huh!

Is it Putin? Uh-uh. OK.

Is the horse brown? Uh-huh!

I'm going to start on
a brown horse.

WHISTLE BLOWS
- Is there anything...?No.
- Oh!

Colours, shapes and directions, please.

Is there blue? Uh-huh! Is there red?

Yellow? Is there yellow? Orange?

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Skin colour, white?

Skin colour?

Is that...? It's a shape?

Colours, shapes and directions,
Joanna.

Colours, shapes... Running?!
No. Up?

Any squares? Uh-uh.

Square? Uh-uh.

Any circles? Circle?

Any triangles? Triangle?

Diamond?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

What other shapes are there?

Rhombus?
ARMANDO CAWS

Bird? Seagull? Uh-huh! In the sky?

Green? Uh-uh.

I've done quite a lot of green.
Uh.

Brown down?
KUMAIL GRUNTS

Brown. Brown. Is that...?
Do brown down.

BOTH GRUNTING

WHISTLE BLOWS
Please stop painting.

Do not look back.

Kumail, you can look
at what they did.

Honestly, it's not bad.

Ah! Yeah!

You did some interesting grunting,
Armando.

I've never heard anyone grunt
"he's on a horse" before.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, there was a bit of
flexibility on the rules.

They also said leg as a shape,
and I guess a leg is a shape.

Well, no, it isn't. Is it not?
No, it isn't a shape.

Is it not? No.

If someone told you
to draw a leg shape,

you'd know exactly what to draw.

That's true. Very clever.

We'll see their paintings after
you have watched some adverts

and Alex has flossed me.

Bring forth the gooch floss!

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

and an intimate team task
involving painting and grunting.

Oh, yes. One person from each team
could look at the original painting

while the painters held them
and asked questions.

The answers could, of course,
only come in the form of grunts,

or in Armando's case,
quite a lot of words.

Let's see the Team of 3's
picture first of all.

This is what Joel, Amy and Kumail
came up with.

Ooh.

Pretty good. Unseen! Not bad. Wow.

Who's to say that Freddie Mercury
didn't ride horses?

We don't know. R-I-P.

Look at all those
beautiful leg shapes.

Yeah.

And look at the direction
of the horse as we compare the two.

Yeah.
Oh.

The only thing that's let it down.
It's pretty good.

Yeah, it's pretty good.
That's not bad.

Quite a coquettish back leg
from their horse.

"May I?"

You might not think it's quite
as good when you see

what the team of two managed
to come up with. Let's go.

Ready? They did this.

Oh, my God!

That was with Armando
saying full words!

Yeah.

I think I made the mistake
by facing the man forward,

because that's what Putin does
in the photo I've seen of him.

So the man's forward,
but the horse is sideways.

And you can see it's got...
What? Where's the horse?

Hang on, where's the horse?

It's ears are this way...
No, the only way that's a horse is

if it was painted seconds after
it was hit by a bazooka!

I haven't said this in 20 series,

but I sort of think you should be
removed from the show.

Let's have a look at all three.

OK, all three, and then,
some points, please, Greg.

It says something when that
painting of Freddie Mercury

sitting on the back of an anteater
is by far the best picture.

So is that five points
for the team of three?

Of course. Right. Of course.

And now it's...
"How low do we go?" I suppose.

So, I was going
to give you two points,

but you do you need to be penalised
for Armando's flagrant cheating,

so you'll have one point
and you'll thank me for it.

It's one for the team of two.

It's five for the team of three.
Thank you. Well done.

Let's get on with the next task,
please. OK.

And Taskmaster gets all classy now,

as this task involves ascension
via a gilded royal staircase,

upon which there are boobs.

Alex. Kumail.

Ah.

Ooh!

Have you seen it?
Have I seen what?

This.

I like the echo. Me too.

How are you? Good.

There's so many boobs.

Greg did the high ones.

It's the alphabet.
Nothing gets by me.

"Get to the top of the staircase.

"You must take one step at a time.

"On each step, you must discard
a letter and say at least one word.

"You must not use a word..."

I'll have to start it again

because I'm not listening
to what I'm saying.

I'm performing now.

"Get to the top of the staircase."

This feels like a bit of me, this.

"You must take one step at a time."

"On each step, you must discard
a letter and say at least one word."

"You must not use a word containing
a letter you have discarded..."

"..and you must not repeat any words
at any point..."

Nah, it's not a bit of me, this.

Really not a bit of me.

"You must not repeat any words
at any point..."

"..otherwise you must start again.

"Highest step reached wins.

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts on the whistle."

Do you understand?

That's very condescending.

Yes, I understand.

It's pretty simple.

All the information is on the task.

If you want to put on
the alphabet gauntlet.

Uh...

Look at this.

This is going to go badly.

There are 25 steps.

Are there 25 letters
in the alphabet?

There are, aren't they?

- Are there?
- Roughly.
WHISTLE BLOWS

So early on, you said,

"Oh, this is a bit of me, this is,"
right?

And then later, you went, "Oh,
actually, this is not a bit of me."

What happened to change your mind
that this was a bit of you?

I realised that when I said,
"Oh, this is a bit of me..."

Yeah.

...it was just steps. Right.

That's what I'm intrigued by. So...

So, the thing that's a bit of you
is walking up steps? Yeah.

And I'm always interested
in digging into an actor's method.

Your method is to say the words,
but not think about them.

Yes. Yes!

Yeah.

Right, who are we going to see
first?

First up, it's Ian, Dom and Page.

That's Iannucci,
Dommett and Joanna Page.

Hi.

Just say the letter and then
the word, that would be great.

Z. Hi.

H-I? Yeah, H-I. OK.

You've now said, "Yeah," as well,
so just...

Let's not say yes again, please.

I'm discarding the letter X.

...Z.

G.

N.

T.

Back. What's the letter? T.

T. Back. OK.

What's the letter? S. Mm-hm.

What's the letter? R. Yep.

K.

Y.

J. Pool.

F.

Yeah, you've got a T in helicopter, unfortunately.

Yes, but you can't use words
using any of these letters.

Yeah, it's harder
than you thought it was.

Same.

Pardon?

Well, I don't think
you can say that really,

because what was the one
you just put down? Mm.

So now you have to pick them all up
and start again.

Yep. Don't say anything else.

OK.

Yep. OK.

...W. B. U. O.

Lovely.

We're halfway through the alphabet.

Well, you can't really say, "Yes,"

because you've got rid of Y.

Sorry about that.
Can I ask a question?

Do I have to say,
"I'm discarding the letter"?

I don't know why you're doing that.

I thought you said...

Well, this changes everything.

G.

B.

S.

No. Start again.

Y.

X.

Soppy.

You've had Y, though,
so start again.

Oh!

R.

This is where we got to last time.

Wank.

Pardon?

Are you saying, "Wank"?
Right, start again.

The W. No. Yeah.
There's a W in wank.

Also not appropriate.

One minute, 30 left. Oh, no!

Q.

Z.

Still got a minute 20.

I. 45 seconds.

How are we spelling nail?

Is it with an I? No.

Are we spelling it wrong?
Yeah.

Um...

Yeah, we've only got 15 seconds now.

...and, like, spell stuff off that.

Well, you said that twice,
so start again.

You've got ten seconds.

Should I just take this ten seconds
just to think for, like, a moment?

Just enjoy the fact
that we're in a beautiful place?

Yeah, yeah.
Let's have a look around.

WHISTLE BLOWS

B.

WHISTLE BLOWS
And that is your time up.

Your language
in the last one wasn't great.

Yeah. Lovely.

"Imdsca the N-L-F."

Yes.

Right,

I'm off for some ice cream.

I wrote out that Joel and Armando

are very different men,
aren't they? Mm.

And my evidence for that was

that your opener was "hi"
and his was "dromedary".

Would you all like to see
a grown man say words

that he knows he shouldn't be
saying?

Let's have a look at that.

Wank.

Yeah.

It's so cute.

It's like a lady's gone to you,
"Right, we've kissed.

"What should we do next?"
And you're like...

..."Wank?"

You started going "fuck" and "piss"
as well!

Yeah. I shouted, "Bomb!"
of which I just thought...

I know.
I know. I just couldn't help it.

I wrote down something
when you started "bomb." Yeah.

I wrote,
"Armando started to look like

"a politician having
a breakdown in Westminster."

Joanna was most confident
in her decisions, I think. Mm. Yes.

I had a system,
and it was animals, and that...

Every third word you said
was an animal...

Was it? ..which is a strange
pattern of vocabulary.

She got the highest
out of these three,

except for Armando.

You got the 11th step,
Armando the 12th.

Joel, very pleased with his eight.

"I'll take that. I'll take eight."

Yeah, I'll definitely take that.

I just enjoyed the stairs. Yeah.

Right, that's the end of part three.

In part four, someone will win
a hip flask, a parachute,

some melatonin, a video
of a lady dancing in the nude

and a trolley with
Lorraine Kelly in it.

It sounds like one hell of
a night out.

Count me in!

Welcome back to the final part
of the show,

and the task which feels like a sad
metaphor for the ageing process.

Yes, I suppose you're right -

they're struggling
to get up the stairs,

then forgetting what they're doing
and heading back down again,

and they seem to have lost
the most basic of vocabulary.

It's a laugh, though,
isn't it, Greg?

It's a laugh. Simple rules.
Simple rules.

Lose a letter every step,

and don't repeat words or say words
that contain the lost letters.

Just two people left to go.
It is Amy and Kumail.

Put it on the floor.

Wherever you want.

Right, now pick it up
and start again.

You've discarded X and then used the
word "box," which has an X in it.

I wanted to do it the other way
around, didn't I? Yes.

Z.

Hello. X.

Hi.

Box. No, you've said box.

You can't repeat words.

On the step.

No, you've got to be on the step.

You can say X.
That would be helpful.

X. Great.

And what word are you going to say?

W.

J.

G.

L. F.

V.

Wow.

C.

Hour. Hour, spelling...?

H-our.

H. Our.

U.

S.

E.

T.

E.

I.

FANFARE TRUMPET PLAYS

N.

A.

FANFARE TRUMPET PLAYS

AMY SQUEALS

What a performance
from both, really...

Mm. Strong. ..wasn't it? Yeah.

Apart from the double "box"
nightmare. Oh, yeah.

I didn't quite get it
and then I got it.

Then you got it. You got it.
And then I got it.

And I knew you were sure
when you got to the word "loaf"

because you said "loaf"
so threateningly.

Lurrf.
Lurrf.

Very Hull. Yeah.

I never thought
I would see a grown man discard

a child's play letter and say, "I,"

and internally, go,
"Oh, he's so cool."

I feel like that was the best
I ever did on any of the tasks.

Well, you say that - there's
a slight... Oh, no, don't do this!

Oh, yes! Yes! No!
Can I say something?

Can I...? Don't... What? Sorry.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ten seconds ago,
I was saying how cool you were.

Yeah. Can I say something?

Wiggle your boobs. When...

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

The thing was,
you ended up with two letters

and Amy ended up with one letter
when they got to the top.

25 steps, 26 letters,
but you still had two left.

Imagine if I did better.

Nowhere near, Joel. Nowhere near.

There's no way
Wank Boy's beaten him!

We laugh about this episode -

it started with someone
struggling with a wink

and ended with someone
struggling with a wank.

Isn't that life? That's great.

Oh, that's a lovely bit of work.

Once you've all gone, we'll
re-record that with me saying it.

Well, we couldn't understand
what happened with all the letters,

so have a look at this.

H. Our.

S. Rib.

U. Was it rib or rip?

B.

U. U.

AUDIENCE GASP

FANFARE TRUMPET PLAYS

Thank you.
Thank you. Congratulations.

Thank you. I know the alphabet.

You didn't discard the U on a step

until you took a second step
with the U.

So you took one extra step.

You had already got to 20
at that point.

I just want you to know
that I did not cheat on purpose.

That was an oversight.

I would never cheat.

That's what Nixon said.

I am not a cheat. So points-wise,
eight steps for Joel, one point.

Joanna got to 11, two points.

Armando, 12, three points.

Kumail, you got to 20 steps
so you get four points.

But the winner, 25 steps,
all of them,

and five points to Amy Gledhill! Aw!

So...

...let's take a look at the scores,
then, shall we?

Yes. I think we could have a first
look at the series scoreboard.

An early look at that.

We have three men in their 30s.

Kumail's on 37,

Armando, 36, and Joel, 35.

Two women in their 50s.

Way ahead.

Joanna's got 50
and Amy's got 53 at this stage.

Wow. Wow. Yes.

Yes. And also...

Oh, for God's sake.

Take it out. Take it out.

Take it out. Take it out.

Take it out! Take it out!

It's taking so long today! Ah!

Just in time. Just in time.

OK, everyone,

please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

Hello, you delightful cherub.

Hello, Greg.
These are available at just 19.99.

Who will be reading the task out?

Armando Iannucci.

The colonel. OK, here we go.

"Transfer Greg's balls

"from your bucket to your beaker.

"You must wave
with one hand at all times

"and that hand must not touch
balls or snooker cues.

"Also, your snooker cue must balance

"with one end
touching the table at all times,

"and you can only touch
your snooker cue

"with your non-waving hand.

"For every one of Alex's balls
that ends up in your beaker,

"three of Greg's balls will be
subtracted from your score."

I'm already questioning this
as I'm reading it.

"You have 100 seconds.

"Most Greg's balls wins."

They had to be Greg's balls,
did they, for this task?

Everyone likes them. Wow.
Really? Everyone.

You can all grasp your cues now,
as Armando is.

Mm-hm. OK.

And have one hand ready to wave.

So they must be waving
at all times.

Greg, if they don't wave,
we need to be on them.

Oh, I'll be on them like a puma.
It's grab and go.

Start waving
and start transferring balls.

They're off.

Wave, Joel. Waving.

Waving, please, Joel.

Waving, Joel. Waving!

Waving. Whoa, no!

Ah! Ooh.

Waving. Waving.

Next one.

Waving.

Hello, Kumail. Right.

N-ah!

- Good.
- N-ah!
JOANNA CHUCKLES

Hello, Amy. Hello, everybody.

Oh! Oh, Armando!

Your balls are everywhere, Greg!

Oh, my God! Ah!

Right. OK.
15 seconds left, everyone.

Eight seconds left. Wave.

Waving.

Three, two, one.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Stop!

You've got some Alex...
I've got some Alexes.

Argh.

Well, Greg, I'll have
to count up how many Alex balls

there are in their beakers. Yes.

I'll be honest,
halfway through,

I forgot which one
was supposed to be in there,

the Gregs or the Alexes.

Which one were we supposed
to have in? Greg. Greg. Greg.

Greg's balls, yeah.
Greg. Greg.

Well, it was fun.

Listen, we'll add them up,
we'll add it to your final scores.

Yeah! Come down and join me.

Well, well, well. Well, well, well,
exactly. I was going to say that.

Well, well, well.
A lot of balls in tubes.

Were they the right balls?
Well, interesting.

I mean, Amy and Joel
both got 11 balls in tubes.

Oh, Joel was like a machine
during that.

He was like a machine,
but was he like a good machine?

Six of me, five for Greg,
so that's a score of -13.

No!

Oh... Wank?

Armando and Joanna both put four
of Greg's balls

in the bucket correctly.

Kumail put eight balls in.

One was an Alex,
which means you get a score of five.

You're in second place,
but the winner,

five points, 11 of Greg's balls,
Amy Gledhill again.

Wow!

Strong. Wow.

You want to hear the final scores, then?

I want to hear the final scores, then.

In joint fourth,
Joanna and Joel with 12 points,

but in joint first by herself,
it's Amy Gledhill with 22 points!

Wow! Yay!

Amy Gledhill wins the episode.

Please head up to go silly
with your string that pulls things!

Yay!

So what have we learnt today? Well,
we've learnt a lot about people.

Some actors don't think about
what they're saying,

they're just saying the words.

Some people cough in words.

Some people think
that skin colour is a shape.

It's been a funny old show.

Started off with someone
struggling with a wink...

...and ended with someone
struggling with a wank.

We're off again,
but here's your winner.

It's Amy Gledhill!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media