Original subtitles

(tv announcer) You're watching "Piranha Week"

on the Predator Channel...

(eerie music)

(tv announcer) An innocent mother cow,

with babies at home, goes for a refreshing swim...

(dan chuckles)

This isn't going to be refreshing at all.

(cow's moo from tv)

(news reporter v.o) We interrupt this program

to bring you a breaking news story.

Ahhhh Every time!

(on tv: the news reporter) Another crime has been

stopped by a masked crusader in tights and a cape.

Angelenos are calling him...Terrifi-Guy.

How is this more important than a cow getting eaten by a fish?

(mr. mumbles meows)

(sirens & screeching tires)

(crashing noises)

Wow!

Terrifi-Guy is awesome.

Yes, yes I am!

This safe is safe with me!

See what I did there?

Yes I did.

(cell phone rings)

Oh hey what's up, Mr. Spectacular?

(dan screams)

Dave, I gotta call you back.

You did not...

My bad, citizen.

BAD?!

The Bubonic Plague was "bad"! THIS IS AN ATROCITY!

Not to worry.

Most insurance covers superhero-related damages.

I don't have insurance! Get back here!

SUPERHEROOOOOOOO!!!!

(knock at the door)

Walk through the door. Now turn to your left.

Quick! Throw a grenade at the zombie!

What?

(screams) Ah!

Don't do that!

(into headset) No, not you guys.

Look, I need ten minutes. Glass Spider out.

Glass Spider?

You couldn't have come up with something less fragile?

Steel Scorpion. There, took me two seconds.

Ooh, I'm gonna use that.

Hey, everyone, I'm changing my name--

Hey!

You need to get back to reality, Chris.

We have a superhero to confront.

I can't believe Terrifi-Guy dropped a safe on your car.

He's a good guy.

Don't fall for it, Chris.

The man is a fraud. A fraud in tights.

Wow! Look at that!

Hey guys,

I just happened to be flying around with this water tower.

Don't thank me, you guys are the real heroes.

Except that you can't fly or stop bullets

or anything cool like that.

Stop right there, Terrifi-Guy!

You wrecked my car this morning,

and then flew off without so much as an apology.

Who do you think you are?!

I'm a superhero.

I'm way too busy doing hero stuff

to worry about your little car problem.

You can treat me with respect, or this could get ugly.

You think you can take out a superhero?

You look like you get winded taking out the trash.

Good day, citizen. Don't bother me any more.

By the way, I'm a big fan!

(terrifi-guy o.s.) That's because

I'm better than you!

That jerk thinks he's so amazing

just because he can lift a car over his head.

That is pretty amazing.

There's nothing special about Terrifi-Guy.

Dan, he can fly!

So can mosquitoes!

Look, we need to take that guy down a peg.

Show the world that any moron can do what he does.

How would we even do that?

By dressing up in costumes and fighting crime ourselves!

So when you say "any moron can do what he does,

we're the morons to which you are referring?

Yup!

We're not superheroes.

Yet.

Call me... DanMan!

What's with the cape? You can't fly.

It makes me look taller.

Now, ChrisBoy, we must find you a costume.

ChrisBoy? Nuh-uh.

If I'm going to help you, I'm going to be the Steel Scorpion,

with metal armor and a stinger for justice!

Do you have metal armor? Or a stinger for justice?

No...

ChrisBoy it is!

A name that reflects your position as sidekick.

Well, assistant sidekick.

I call her... MumbleCat!

Ooh! This screams "underling."

I don't know.

Get ready, Terrifi-Guy. It's time to meet your match.

(men whistiling)

Why does Mr. Mumbles get a better costume than me?

And what are we even doing?

We are trying to help people!

Look! An elderly woman!

She obviously needs help crossing the street.

DanMan, to the rescue!

Fear not, ma'am, DanMan is--

Help! A mugger!

Hey! Ow! I'm trying to--ow!

MumbleCat! Quickly!

Claw out her eyes!

I think that went pretty well.

(Elise laughs)

I can explain.

Actually, you know, never mind.

I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news.

Great. Now Elise thinks I'm an idiot.

(police dispatcher v.o.) All units be advised.

There is a hostage situation at the Sub Marine.

Terrifi-Guy has been contacted and is en route.

Yes! That's right around the corner.

There's no way Terrifi-Guy can beat us there.

To the Dan Mobile!

First of all, it can't be the Dan Mobile if it's my car.

Second--

Silence, ChrisBoy! Danmobile, away!

What are we looking at here, boys?

Started as a robbery, one the of the employees hit the alarm,

and - Wait, who the heck are you guys?

I'm DanMan. I'll take it from here.

Costume Day at the asylum?

No, jerkface, we're superheroes.

Like you, only better.

And this is our bust, so back off!

Look, superhero work isn't really for the average citizen.

We're not "average"!

I was being kind. Stay out of my way.

We can't let him steal our glory, ChrisBoy!

Let's save the day.

No, wait!

Ah, ha--whup!

(dan o.s.) Stupid cape...

This may have been foolhardy.

When you're in jail, tell the other convicts

that DanMan sent you.

And Terrifi-Guy pads his suit.

Uh, Dan...what was your plan?

Step one: get costumes. Step two: stop crime. Why?

WHAM!

(chris o.s.) Wow, that hurt!

Well if that's going to be your attitude,

I'm just going to leave.

BANG!

Laser!

Sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?

Wow, thanks Terrifi-Guy!

Thunder stealer.

Look, I don't know how much clearer I can put this.

Give up on the superhero thing, you're not cut out for it.

You insult me at your own peril, Terrifi-Guy!

Yeah, I'm terrified.

Especially since your signature fighting move

is curling up in a little ball and crying.

I'll show you some signature fighting moves right now.

Dragonstance! Ha! Ki-yaa!

Okay, that hurt my hand.

The next time you idiots interfere

with superhero business,

I'm banishing you to the Null Dimension.

The what?

An anomaly in the space-time continuum

I discovered while I was--

You know what? Forget it. Just go home.

Try to be normal.

(dan sighs)

I was afraid it would come to this, ChrisBoy.

I don't know what "this" is, but I'm afraid too.

We'll never teach Terrifi-Guy

the error of his ways by emulating him.

No, to fight him I need to become his equal.

I need to become... a supervillain.

Except that you're lacking the one thing possessed

by comic book villains and heroes alike: super powers!

That's the easy part.

We put the radioactive isotopes

into the kangaroo's food, the kangaroo bites me,

I get its amazing jumping powers and KPOW!

I'm a super villain: The Dan-Garoo!

Or maybe Kanga-Dan. What do you think?

I think this is a terrible plan.

And where did you get radioactive isotopes?

I've had them forever, in the back of my cupboard.

You should see the ants that live back there.

They're the size of soup cans.

Dan, it's not very nice to irradiate a kangaroo.

And I'm pretty sure a radioactive bite

would just make you very sick.

One bite of your food and one bite of my arm

and I'll forever be a mutant.

I wish my parents could see me now.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

See, this is why no one likes kangaroos.

I can't believe that's what you're taking away from this.

(knocks on door) (creaks open)

Dan?

(dan o.s.) Walk forward and stand on the X.

Are you trying to irradiate me?

We need super powers.

It's either this or I inject you with the super serum

I got on the internet.

That says "Supper Serum".

When have you ever said no to supper?

You know, the best comic book characters

don't even have super powers.

They're just rich guys with incredibly elaborate equipment.

What if you--

Let me stop you right there.

I like it.

And I'm going to take credit for it.

Rooftop hide-out. Nice.

You were right. I don't need radiation or

isotopes to humiliate Terrifi-Guy.

Zeus had his thunderbolts. Lincoln had his beard.

I have my utility belt.

Is that a squirt gun?

This is the Hydro Blaster.

It emits a powerful beam of concentrated aqua particles.

You mean it squirts water?

I've also got my cell phone, gummy bears,

and an egg beater.

In case I get close.

As impressive as this is, I don't think any of it

will hurt Terrifi-Guy.

I mean, the guy's awesome.

More awesome than this?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes! Now I too can fly.

Dan, you've never gotten your jetpacks to work.

What makes you think this one will?

Because the Dan that built those is dead.

Or at least on vacation.

I...am...Dr. Jerk!

Squirt gun is leaking.

Hydro Blaster.

(dan v.o.) Attention all employees...

...it's, uh, that guy from accounting's birthday.

Everyone meet in the break room for cake.

(security guard mumbles)

Excellent work, ChrisBoy.

You can shed your disguise now.

Actually, I'd rather keep it--

Now!

Oh! Where did my life go wrong?

Good afternoon, hostages!

I have taken over this fireworks factory.

You might want to stop me, but that'll be hard when you're...

Locked in the break room!

(dan cackles and slams the door)

They're terrified of me.

Terrifi-Guy, the city needs you.

Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

A costumed villain named "Dr. Jerk"

has taken over the fireworks factory.

Aha!

I want a bazillion dollars,

a cement mixer full of ground beef, and for all the

state prisons to be turned into amusement parks.

I am really good at this whole supervillain thing.

I want everything in thirty minutes or I start-

(click. dial tone)

Guess we need to show them we mean business.

Goodbye, post office.

BOOM!

Go me!

Tell me someone got that on camera!

You guys again?

We're sorry.

I warned you morons before.

Now you're going to the Null Dimension. Happy?

You're all wet, Terrifi-Guy!

Hydro Blaster!

Are you under the impression that I'm water soluble?

I was hoping. Chris, get him!

Uh, Dan, you never gave me any weapons.

Then it's all up to me.

Ha, HA!

Hope your little costume keeps you warm when you're

floating in the formless ether of the Null Dimension.

Never underestimate...Dr. Jerk!

Gotta jet.

We'll meet agai--

Ow! Ow!

(exploding)

(fireworks exploding continues)

Can I go?

Well, MumbleCat,

we may not have destroyed Terrifi-Guy,

but at least we gave it a good shot.

(news reporter) Ha, ha! Funny stuff.

With the entire world laughing at Dr. Jerk,

we took a moment to sit down

with Terrifi-Guy at a local diner.

Yeah, he's an idiot.

If I ever see him again I'm going to put him in traction.

Now do you mind?

I'm trying to have a taco here.

Ah! Hey! I specifically said no hot sauce!

It's my only weakness.

Wait, wait, don't air that.

Don't worry, we won't. More after these messages.

Hot sauce, eh?

(mr. mumbles yowls yeowls)

You're lucky this judge owes me a favor.

Strange.

Now who's silly for hoarding rubber bands?

Excellent work, MumbleCat.

Cue Terrifi-Guy in three, two...

Okay, real criminals have escaped,

because you've been wasting my time!

What's wrong, Terrifi-Guy?

Finally meet your equal?

The union has rules about hurting normal humans.

But you know what?

I'll pay the fine.

I am going to pound you into goo!

(dan clears throat)

Giant rubberband ball, unsuspecting courthouse.

Decisions, decisions.

So that's why he was hoarding rubber bands.

Wanna carpool?

Your turn, Dr. Jerk...

Dan, why is there a superhero shooting lasers at us?

Okay, that was close.

I don't know why, Elise!

Obviously he's got some rage issues.

But don't worry,

I've got a plan as long as he keeps following us.

He's not following us, he's caught us!

Perfect. Hang on!

CRASH! Ahh! Ah!

Wait, how did a car accident hurt him?

It wasn't the car accident.

I've covered your entire garage in hot sauce!

You did WHAT?

Yeah, it's his only weakness for some reason.

Now let's kick him while he's down!

There are other places you could put hot sauce!

Like your apartment.

Or a park. Or a hot sauce factory!

The secret of my weakness will die with you.

(dan choking) It was on TV!

ChrisBoy! Help!

I don't want to be ChrisBoy anymore.

In fact, I never wanted to be ChrisBoy.

You're right!

This is a job for -- Steel Scorpion!

Well that's more like it! Stinger attack!

Unhand me, simpletons!

Taste my spicy vengeance!

Stop! You don't know what you're doing!

I could lose my powers forever!

He's still super strong!

Actually, that's just normal strong.

Steel Scorpion, hold him!

(both men scream)

Nooooo!

Ahhhh!

I'm losing my powers!

It's in my eyes!

(elise o.s.) Okay, that's quite enough of that.

Ha, ha!

Now, Terrifi-Guy you see what -- Pthklmpthth!

That's for messing with my garage.

Do you know what you've done?

I have lost my super powers!

You haven't seen the last of me, Dr. Jerk!

I will get my powers back somehow,

and YOU WILL BE SOR- hey! Quit it!

Let go!

All righty. Buh-bye.

Good riddance, I say!

The city doesn't need you.

It has all the superhero it needs - DanMan!

And Steel Scorpion!

Just DanMan! I'll take it from here.

You're not going anywhere until this garage is spotless.

(news reporter) In other news,

the National Guard is still battling the giant,

radioactive kangaroo that is laying waste to

downtown Los Angeles.

Now, back to "Piranha Week!"

(tv announcer) An innocent goat,

with babies at home,

heads to the water's edge to get a drink...

Oh, I like where this is going.

(victim's cry o.s.) Help, help, help me!

(old lady o.s.) I'm being old lady mugged!

Now where were we? Right. That goat.