Original subtitles

Let me help you with that.

Whew. Thanks.

No problem. Moving in?

That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa.

I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.

Chris. Nice to meet you.

(stage whisper) Chris! Chris!

Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!

Have you met Dan?

Not officially, no. Hi, there!

I'm Well, good luck living next to Dan.

And... I really mean that.

What do you think you were doing?

I think I was meeting your neighbors, who seem very nice.

You are so stupid.

(huffy) You know I really enjoy

these little talks of ours, Dan.

Can't you see they're up to something?

Up to something... B-Because...

They're always smiling.

And, they insist on saying "Hello"

every single time I see them!

Well, I hope you've notified the police.

(angry and flustered) I'll notify them that-

-missing persons -when your body- -turns up in-

-Uh-Um

Let's go. The movie starts soon.

Okay, the coast is clear. Now here's how we roll:

Head down, eyes front. Make a beeline for the car.

Go! Go! Go!

Ahh! Dan, right? You play basketball?

I was thinking about

Basketball is for communists.

Uh...tennis then?

We baked this pie for you. It's banana cream.

You know, Jennifer also makes the world's best meat pie,

if you're interested.

It helps that Jason's a butcher.

Dan!

What? It slipped.

Besides, I can't eat dairy.

Oh. Ok.

Well..I guess we'll see you soon..neighbor.

My car! Look at what they did!

Dan, you were the one who

NEIGHBORS!!!

(sound of doorbell) (narrator) Hey there Dan!

I hate coffee.

Why are we staking out your building instead of going to

the movie I already bought tickets for?

To find out what my neighbors are up to!

Couldn't we keep just as good an eye on them from

your apartment?

There he is! Get down!

Come on!

Now I've got them!

Eughh! Gross! There's nothing here but garbage.

Shocking.

Hey, a porkchop!

Just walk me in.

I need backup until I figure out what they're up to.

Hey, there!

Ha-HA!

Weren't expecting me to bring my dimwitted

bodyguard, were you? Chris! Attack!

Dan, we made you another pie.

This one without dairy products of any kind.

Whoa, there, careful! You almost lost your

grip on that one, too.

Better let me carry that.

We'd love to have you for dinner some time, Dan.

And youíre invited too, Chris.

What a nice offer!

Dan, do you have something to say?

Ow!

You talk to me like a child, I kick a you.

Hrmph.

That's as close as you're going to get to a "Thank you."

What are you doing? Don't eat that!

It's probably poisoned!

And where did you get a fork?

So you're going to risk death for baked goods?

I'm weighing the odds that you're right about the poison

against how much I like pie.

Pie wins.

I don't get it. You're not dead.

Do you at least feel faint?

No, but I feel full of cherry wonderfulness.

If theyíre not trying to poison me, then what's their angle?

I'm going to go home. Maybe I'll take a long walk tonight,

burn off some of these calories.

(gasps) That's it!

We'd love to have you for dinner... we'd love to...

...makes a great meat pie... makes a great meat pie...

...married to a butcher... married to a butcher...

Those fiends! Those diabolical fiends!

Nice try, Mr. and Mrs. Demon Barbers of Fleet Street,

but I'm on to your sick little game now.

Don't you see, Chris?

They're fattening me up to eat me!

How did you get there, from-you know what?

Never mind. I'm going home.

What? You can't leave me! Not with cannibals next door!

Let go!

Never!

Aargh!

So how was the movie?

We never went. Dan has new neighbors.

Oh? What are they like?

Really nice.

Dan thinks theyíre cannibals who want to eat him.

Who'd want to eat Dan? He's all gristle.

(phone rings) Hello?

Do you think I should try to eat them before they eat me?

Uh, no Dan, I don't. Leave those nice people alone.

Nice? You don't know anything about them!

That's a good point, actually. You know maybe Elise and I

should go over there tomorrow.

Hey, can Mr. Mumbles and I move in to your place until they get

arrested for crimes against humanity?

I don't think so.

Pfft. You will look back on this conversation when I

go missing and feel awful. "I'm so stupid!"

you'll say, "If only I had listened to Dan!

How could I possibly be this stu--" Hello?

He'll come around.

(jennifer o.s.) Just a minute!

Mmmpphh!

Oh! Uh, hi... My name is Elise.

You met my husband Chris yesterday?

I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.

Here.

This is so nice! Please come in.

What is your problem?!

I needed to talk to you.

There are better ways to go about it then throwing a bag

over my head!

Hindsight is 20/20, Chris.

At least I got a candy bar out of it.

This is just a block of wood with a candy wrapper on it.

Serves you right for consorting with cannibals.

Look, I need your help.

Well, tough.

What do you want me to do?

We need to spy on them.

Gather intelligence, as they say.

You know, I could have gathered a lot more intelligence had I

actually gone into their apartment.

Stop living in the hypothetical! This is the now.

Help me spy on my people-eating neighbors.

Give me the candy bar.

I'll give it to you on the roof.

The roof?

Looking good.

I don't know about this...

You do nothing but complain, you know that?

Here.

I'll lower you just far enough so you can peek in the window,

and then you take pictures of their place.

Uh... What if they see me?

Elise is in there -she's bound to recognize me.

Why do you think they invented ski masks?

(huffy) For skiing.

You are such a child.

Can I have that candy bar now?

Oh, it's another block of wood!

Don't you have any real candy?

No!

Okay, now I'm going to lower you down slowly...

Remember...

Uh-oh.

(chris o.s.) What's happening?

Uh, nothing! Everything's fine!

Have you known Dan very long?

Too long.

Aaahhhh!

Prowler!

You call the police! I'm getting my gun and

goin out there .

Uh-oh.

(chris o.s.) Uh, Dan?

Sorry buddy!

Aaaahhhh!

Oh... I'm hurt.

I hope you're not expecting sympathy.

It was Dan's fault!

He pushed me off the roof!

Oh? And did he wrestle you up to the roof in the first place?

No, I walked up there. But he

And how did the climbing harness get on you?

Did he do that? Or did it magically appear on your body?

Okay, I'll admit it: It's my own fault.

Thank you. What's step two?

(chris sullen) Not letting Dan talk me

into doing stupid things.

My knee really hurts.

Pain is how we learn.

Hey there, Dan.

You leave me alone. I spent all day rolling around

in noxious chemicals, so I'd taste terrible.

Uh... okay. I came over here because

my wife saw a prowler outside the window today.

So? What makes you think I had anything to do with that?

You can't come over here and accuse me, I have lawyers!

I was actually just letting you know that we're having

security bars installed on our windows.

Noted. Goodbye.

They're running a 2-for-1 special at the security store,

so weíll be having them installed on your windows, too.

(jason o.s.) No thanks necessary!

(dan whisper, to Mr. Mumbles) They want to trap me here,

so I can't escape when they come for me!

I've got to get them out of here!

Dan! We know you're in there!

(dan o.s.) Go away! I'm busy!

Open this door or I'm opening it!

(dan o.s.) Ha! I'd like to see you try!

You are not to put Chris in dangerous situations anymore,

do you hear me?

Me? He practically begged me to lower him off the roof!

I did not.

Be that as it may, Chris is your friend,

and-what are you doing, by the way?

I'm making a tunnel into my neighbors apartment.

Why?

Don't you understand anything?

I've been collecting cockroaches all day.

Okay, still not getting the bigger picture here.

He's going to release the cockroaches into

Jenniferís apartment.

Ah.

Which I can't let you do, Dan.

They're really nice people.

You are so naive. Wake up and smell the meat pies!

What cockroaches were those again?

The ones in the box over th-

Oh. Oh, well. I needed to go bigger anyway.

I was thinking "Medieval siege weaponry."

Dan, you will not do anything to them, you get me?

Chris and I are going over there for lunch on Tuesday and I do

NOT want to discover cockroaches in my food.

Turncoats and traitors, all around me! Get out!

You, too! Just hobble away on your crutches of betrayal!

Thought you could trap me in my own apartment? Nice try.

(Mr. Mumbles yowls)

I know, Mr. Mumbles. But we'll be fine.

Now come on, it's time for bed.

Awww, don't be like that.

It's only for a couple of days. It'll be fun!

(Mr. Mumbles yowls)

Goodnight.

Okay, here's what I need.

Dan? Where have you been? I came round your

apartment yesterday, and you weren't there.

Oh, that. I'm not going to be trapped in my apartment

like some animal, just waiting for them to come and get me.

I'm living on the rooftop across the street.

Perfectly logical.

Drop the attitude, jerkface!

And bring me the following: a bag of logs, some gasoline,

a box of matches, a dozen or so ostrich feathers-

What? Where would I even get ostrich feathers?

Why do I have to think of everything for you?

They don't have to be ostrich! Flamingo will be fine...

What took you so long!?

It takes a while to climb the stairs when you're

on crutches, Dan.

Whine, whine, whine. Gimme my stuff.

Dan, wait! That's not your stuff. Those are my groceries!

Why would you carry your groceries up to the roof?

I wasn't going to leave them in a hot car.

Some of those things are perishable.

And others are ice cream.

Where are the logs? Where's the gasoline?

I didn't bring them. What is that thing anyway?

It's a ballista!

I'm going to launch flaming logs into my neighbors apartment.

THAT'LL give 'em the message.

I'm sure the police will get a message, too.

What did you need the ostrich feathers for?

Flight stabilizers on the logs, of course!

Man, you're an idiot.

Now I'm glad I didn't get them.

Well, something in here might do...

Hey! Stop it! Those are for eating!

Ah-ha! Honey!

No!

That was mine! Do you know how expensive honey is?

(to himself) Should have accounted

for the lighter missile.

Oh, well... What else do we have here?

Peanut butter?

Dan, no!

Let go!

It's the only way!

I'm not going to let you waste all of my groceries

with your stupid giant crossbow.

Get out of the way, Chris. This is life or death for me!

You think I won't shoot you?!

I'm not moving! Give me back my peanut butter!

You're making me do this!

All right, you win.

I knew you wouldn't shoot me!

Whuf-aaAAAHHHH!

Chris!

Bad kitty! Mr.

(mr. mumbles MEOWS)

N'gaw...

(chris o.s.) Ouch.

151...152...153... Hello?

Uh, hi Elise, it's Dan...Listen, um, well, first things first.

How are you?

What do you want, Dan?

I have some good news and some bad news...

What happened?

Okay, the important thing to remember is that everyone

is okay. Well, not Chris...

Hey, you. Dan said you sounded mad on the phone, so

Where is he?!

He didn't want to be here when you arrived,

so he left you a note while I was sleeping.

I can't reach it.

You must be in so much pain.

Yeah, I've learned a lot this week.

"Elise: While I find you lacking in warmth, kindness and,

on some level, basic humanity, I have always... refracted you?

I think that's "respected."

"RESPECTED you, and hope now to appeal to your better nature,

should such a thing exist within whatever scaly, chitinous

valve passes for your heart."

Boy, Dan really knows how to wow a girl, doesn't he?

(back to letter) "While Chris is

obviously responsible for his own present condition,

I do accept some modicum of responsibility, and I promise,

once my... Nefarious?

Could be "narwhal."

(dan o.s. frustrated) It's NEIGHBORS, you morons!

Dan.

Uh-oh. Hey! Let go! That's MY foot!

You'd better say your prayers, Dan.

It really was an accident, Elise.

I stepped in front of his catapult.

Ballista. And in my defense, I did bring Chris immediately

to the hospital instead of launching more stuff at

my neighbors. Or launching Chris at them.

Which would have been awesome.

Dan!

That would have been kind of awesome, actually.

Chris!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a siege to continue.

This ends now.

Jennifer? Hi, it's Elise.

Listen, can we bring Dan to lunch today?

Great, see you soon!

Now you have the chance to meet your neighbors,

and see that they are not cannibals.

Or I have a chance to prove to you that they are.

One, two, three!

I caní' do this.

He's too heavy!

Ughhh...Come on, Dan! We're almost to the top!

Can somebody scratch my nose?

Dan, nice to finally have you in our home.

I know what you're up to.

Chris! What happened?

Peanut butter, medieval siege weapon, falling.

You know...

Thank you, Jennifer.

Lactose-free chocolate croissants?

Is that even possible?

I bet they taste like cardboard.

Ooh. They're... amazing.

All right, what's your secret?

First, you take some pastry flour

No, I mean YOUR secret?

You're too nice. You eat people, right?

What?

Uh... gross.

Then what is it? Serial killers? Fugitives? Guidance Councilors?

What's your angle?

We don't have an angle. We're just nice people.

Well, for the most part. I do have some anger issues, but

I've been working on them in therapy.

Really?

Sometimes I get so mad I just start yelling things at the sky.

And don't forget your anger journal.

Anger journal?

(jason sheepish) It's just something silly I do.

When someone or something makes me really mad,

I write it down on a list. Here, I'll show you.

This could be a page from my list...

You know Jason, I think we'll get along after all.

You know....You guys know something?

When you first moved in, I thought we weren't

going to get along.

We had our doubts, too.

I'll say!

I even tried to drive you out of the building.

How's that?

Oh, different ways.

First I was going to infest your home with cockroaches...

Wh-Why would you do that?

That's disgusting.

(dan chuckles) Oh that's nothing.

Then I was going to shoot flaming logs into your

apartment from across the street.

That could have seriously injured us.

Yeah, it's good we can all laugh about it now.

AHHHHHH! Get them off me!

They're in my shirt!

Dan! Are these yours?

Yup. These are mine.

You incredible jerk!

Hey! This was an accident!

Look, if you're going to fly off the handle

every time something like this happens,

I'm not sure we'll make good neighbors.

I can't believe we ever let you into our home!

You are the worst neighbor we have ever had!

Come on, don't be like that!

I was just starting to like you guys.

I'm really going to miss them.

I don't think they'll miss you.

Maybe your next neighbor will be even nicer.

You never kn-