Original subtitles

Come on, come on! It's three in the afternoon!

Don't you people have jobs?!

Helicopter Hal here, your traffic correspondent.

Wow - woweee! Ewww! Traffice looks really bad.

In all directions.

Oooh... Look at all that gridlock.

Now that's what I call job security. Money in my pocket.

Whoops!

Is this thing on? Am I on? Hello.

How do all of you know when I have to pee?

I just need to get home... Argh!

You Rubberneckers! What are you all gawking at!?

What is causing all this delay? If somebody broke down, get

a bulldozer, push them onto the median and let them

fend for themselves! A sock?! That's the hold up.

Come on!

Just keep cool. Traffic's moving again,

and soon you'll be home, in your own bathroom...

Oh, perfect! That's all I need, you-

and you'll be able to see the crater from space!

No! Come on! Bladder emergency!

So long, suckers!

I hate everyone.

What's the big rush?

Look, Officer. I had three large sodas while watching

a movie called "Rushing Waters,"

and the bathroom at the dollar theater was out of order.

You may go.

Thank you.

What the-?!

Give me a break!

Hey, shepherd! Move the flock out of my way!

Move it! Oh, no. Oh, no! Oh, no.

TRRRAAAAFFIIIIIC!!!

Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone.

Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone

Thank you for calling the sales offices of- ,

Chris it's Dan!

I need help. Get over here.

Yeah, that's a big "no can do."

I'm at the office.

So?

So, I'm working. For money.

Tell your organ grinder to give the hurdy gurdy a rest.

We have to do something about the traffic in this town!

Boy, tell me about it.

Do you know how long it took me to get to work today?

Why would I care about that?

You called me.

Are you coming over or not?!

Uh... not until they sign my timecard.

Forget it. You are dead to me.

That seemed unnecessarily harsh.

Hey, sweetie.

{

Ahh! Hi hon!

Ah. What's all that?

I'm developing a non-lethal but debilitating chemical

weapon for an unnamed government agency.

How was work?

Fine.

Non-lethal?

Yeah. It's an inhalant that gives the target acute, intense

vertigo for several months. Thus rendering them unable

to use a weapon effectively, but keeping them alive.

Ah, and why are you making it in our kitchen?

Officially I never told you this, but there was a teensy

accident in the lab today. So many mutants...

Isn't that kinda... dangerous

to be mixing chemicals in the kitchen?

I mean, where we eat?

Yes it IS dangerous.

You are going to have to be very careful.

Oh great, I can't come into our own kitchen without worrying

I'm going to get a mind debilitating illness.

I, uh ya know, this really stresses me out--

I mean I like. .Oh no! Oh, no! I have vertigo!

I can't stop falling! I have aaaah.

That was my iced tea.

Oh, good.

Maybe you could go out and get me another one?

Of course.

Just let me clean this up.

Don't. Touch. Anything.

I'll get it.

Okay.

Just go.

Sorry, road's closed. Reproductive harm

could result if you drive on the 101. Move along.

Excuse me, when will the highway be open again?

Never. Move along.

Never? But...

I said move it, Jerkface!

You never listen!

That's not fair! You don't even know me!

Wait, Dan?

No!

Dan it's Chris

I know who you are.

What are you doing?

I'm closing all the exits on the 101.

Soon, this road will be mine.

Dan get in the car.

No.

Dan ...

Whoops. Time to go!

Well, that didn't work.

Of course not! You can't just close off a major highway

because you're tired of traffic.

Stupid police.

If they didn't have the law on their side...

And guns. And numbers.

So you're saying step one is to destroy the police.

Okay, A] I didn't say that, and B] That sounds really illegal.

If you hate traffic, why don't you just take the bus?

If I take the bus, I'm still in traffic. Plus

I'm on a bus! With rotten-smelling bus people!

I take the bus sometimes.

Exactly my point, stinko.

I do not stink.

You smell like defeat. And tea.

Can I drop you off? I've got to get back to Elise.

She's working on a chemical designed to give people vertigo

if they inhale it.

Why would anyone inhale it, then?

It's a weapon.

Hey, this traffic's not moving.

Augh!

Let's get a traffic report.

Woweee wow! Everything's backed up.

You people down there can't get anywhere,

but I can go wherever I want in my helicopter.

You look like tiny ants from way up here... Oh wow,

there's a red one...

I'm going to make this guy pay somehow.

I promise you that.

That took a while.

I ran into Dan, gave him a lift home.

Is that your weapon?

Okay, I know that sometimes I tell you

not to eat something in the refrigerator,

but this time, I'm really, really serious.

Do not open these canisters.

Okay. I promise I won't eat your chemicals.

Even if I get hungry.

Thank you for ca- !

Chris, Where are you?

You called my work number. I'm at work.

Unacceptable.

Get over here now.

Nuh, uh.

What do you mean, "Nuh, uh"?!

Look, you have to respect the fact that I have a job.

I don't "have" to do anything.

Can't you just let it go?

And let traffic win?

Admit defeat? Never.

Well, I can't leave work.

Yes, you can. Just get up and walk out. Do it.

Do it! Now!

Look, I'll be over around six thirty, okay? Seven, if

traffic's bad.

Sheesh.

You know, there's no personal calls allowed.

Where have you been!?

I need help with my plan!

Really, I only need assistance on the first part.

I don't mean to criticize, but I don't think that's a

very good plan.

Of course it is!

If you crush all the cars in your way, you could hurt

someone. And they'd arrest you.

All right, genius, how do you think I can avoid traffic?

I can't get a permit for my network of tubes- -that

I wanted to build so I could travel around the city,

and my jetpack experiment failed miserably.

That's because you tried to build it out of an old ceiling

fan, a lawnmower engine and a car battery.

It could have worked.

Have you thought about the bus?

Again? What is with you and the infernal

public transportation system?!

It's better for the environment, it's better for traffic,

and, isn't that your whole thing right now?

My THING is not joining a bunch of filthy vagrants on their

death wagon.

All I'm saying is, if more people took the bus,

there would be fewer cars on the road. And

traffic would get better.

Is it possible, that somehow with your pathetic intellect,

that you have actually contributed something

positive to this endeavor?

Okay, it sounds like you just paid me a compliment,

but for some reason I feel insulted right now.

You're welcome.

Hello, welcome to Wally's Hardware Emporium and

Explosives Depot. How may I help you?

Actually, I'm not shopping for anything today.

I just wanted to let you know that there's some guy

down the street who says hackeysack's not a sport.

What? Hackeysack is totally a sport! It takes coordination,

poise, grace, coordination...

Hey, don't tell me, tell him.

Don't think I won't!

Did you pay for those?

Quick. Load these up. But carefully.

I need to go back and get more while the cashier's

distracted.

Are you stealing explosives?

Borrowing.

We'll bring them back after we're done using them.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, wait!

I don't feel right about this.

Look, we both agree that traffic is out of control, right?

Right, but I don't see how we're going to fix the

problem with stolen explosives.

That's because you're shortsighted. And you smell.

- Oh, man! Oh, man! - I am so fired!

Dan Be careful with those!

We'll start at this end.

Start what?

Putting the explosives under the cars.

Then, we'll retreat to a safe distance and set them off.

No cars, no traffic.

That's your plan?

Look, even if you destroy every single car in this dealership,

you're no closer to your goal.

Sure I am!

But they can always make more cars.

I'll admit, it's a temporary solution.

It's not a solution at all!

Do you know how many people there are in this city?

I don't know, thousands?

Dan there are several million.

Which means you'd have to destroy hundreds of

thousands of cars, just to make the smallest dent in

the traffic.

We're gonna need more explosives.

It's not going to work, Dan.

This was your idea!

You said fewer cars equals less traffic!

I meant fewer drivers on the road equals less traffic.

So you want me to blow up a bunch of drivers?

I did NOT say that!

Because that seems a tad extreme.

Dan, don't blow anything up. Or anyone.

Seriously.

Fine. But what am I going to do with all these explosives?

We should probably take them back to the store.

All right. Help me put them back in the car.

Whoops.

What did you do?!

I'm not sure. But we should probably get back. Way back.

Dan, What are you doing?!

Seatbelts.

There is a literal ticking time bomb next to the car!

We've got to get out of here now!

Then I guess you'd better stop arguing

and put your seatbelt on.

It's the car-pocalypse.

Real nice, Dan!

You almost killed us. Way to go.

Almost only counts in horseshoes and-- Total success!

Subject is experencing severe vertigo. Loss of balance.

- Conclusion. - Total success!

Helicopter Hal here with a special update on that

giant explosion. Fortunately no one was hurt,

but the destruction of the Southland auto dealership

has traffic backed up on every freeway. Oh yeah!

Hey, you. How's Dan doing?

We didn't blow anything up, if that's what you're

asking. It was an accident, anyway.

Plus, it was Dan's fault.

Chris, is there something you want to talk about?

No!!! Yes.

You did WHAT!?

Dan, Elise wants to talk to you about getting me into trouble...

How can a human being live like this? It's like a

giant petri dish.

Uh, oh. I hope Dan hasn't done anything rash.

Hello, Chris and Elise, If you're watching this, then my

plan has worked.

I don't like it when Dan has a plan.

Chris, a couple of things you said have given me an idea.

I'm not going to blow up a bunch of drivers, like you

suggested...

I did not suggest that.

But when you mentioned that Elise was developing

a new chemical weapon,

I realized something...

I may have said something about that.

If the entire city has vertigo,

they can't very well drive, can they?

Oh, no.

So thank you for the idea.

And Elise, thank you for creating a non lethal

solution to my traffic problem. Hee hee hee

hee hee! That was my laugh of triumph.

Did you like it? Because you are my friends, I have soaked two

bath towels in water, for you to put over your heads

while I release the chemical agent over the city.

Because I care about you guys. They're in the toilet.

We have to go. Now!

I didn't mean to tell about your weaponized vertigo-inducer.

We'll talk about that later.

Oh, no!

Yeah, this is really really bad.

We've got to eat all the food before it spoils!

Hey, where are all your canisters of-- Oh. Right.

You know, when you think about it,

this is really Dan's fault--

yeah, it usually is, but

right now we need to figure out his delivery method.

He's got to disperse the inhalant over the city

somehow. Maybe a crop duster or something.

Hmm... Oh. Oh!

What?

Helicopter Hal, we meet at last! Nice jacket.

I don't sign autographs, thanks.

Oh, I'm no fan.

Oof!

Why?

That's for making me pee!

What?

You love traffic!

Well it is my bread and butter.

That's 'cause I can't digest butter!

How is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!

I didn't. Now get in there and fly this thing!

We have a broken arrow situation on our hands.

Lock in my coordinates. I need an A-136.

So what's an A-136?

Uh....work stuff.

You know, I'm not sure you've ever told me exactly what you

do for a living.

I know.

I've prepared this statement.

I can't read this.

Why? Journalistic integrity?

No, you have the penmanship of a four year old.

Augh! Just put me on the radio!

Oh, no problem.

People of Earth! This is your Supreme Overlord!

Wow. You'd be funny if you weren't so sad.

Just fly me over central Los Angeles!

Wow.

You never saw this. Now stay here.

I'm coming with you.

But you get airsick.

I don't care. I want to help.

I love you.

Aw...

Look at that mess.

Soon it will just be a memory.

Hey. What is that thing?

I donít know. I've never seen anything like it in my twenty

years of award winning journalism.

Dan, surrender immediately!

Well, that can't be good. Evasive action!

What? No-!

Whaaaaaaa!

Dan, this is your last warning. Land the helicopter and

let the minor celebrity go!

Minor celebrity?!

Did you really not know?

Dan!

Wait! We're too high up! The prevailing

wind currents could blow that stuff all the way to

Bakersfield if you release it now!

Uh, oh.

Aim for something soft!!

Lucky we were wearing our seat belts.

Where are the police? Famous person in trouble here!

They're probably stuck in traffic. And you're not famous!

I'm on the radio. FM!

Give me your jacket.

No.

Give me your jacket!

Get off of me!

Dan! Dan!!

Something I can help you with?

There's one missing.

Oh, yeah. I lost my grip on it when you... TRIED TO KILL ME!

I am going to say this to you once.

Do not shout at me.

Are you kidding! What was that all-

And I'm taking my jacket back.

Are you okay?

What happened?

You, uh....fainted.

Oh. Did you get the chemicals back?

All but one.

Where did that one go?

I'm not sure, exactly.

What's going on-whup!