Original subtitles

Arggggg

What is that?

I thought it couldn't get worse than those awful crickets.

Man I hate crickets. At least they're flammable.

How long has that been there?

Bejabbers

♪I think Kitties are pretty I think Puppies are nice ♪

Manfrangensen Animal Shelter, Crunchy speaking.

Yeah, I-wait. Did you say Crunchy?

S'my name...

Unbelievable, this jackanape

Hey, jerkface, shut those confounded dogs up.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir.

We're overloaded at the moment,

and the animals are a little agitated.

Why is that MY problem?

I didn't ask you to build an animal jail across the street.

Shut your prisoners up, Warden!

I'll try to calm them down.

You'd better.

Ahhh...

That's it! ...

animal shelter!

Stupid animal shelter!

disturbing the peace... bet it's even a no-kill shelter...

Um, sir? We're closed...

Then why's the door unlocked?

Listen up! I live across the street

and this barking is keeping me awake!

So stop it already!l

Oh, you're the dude who called, right?

And what of it?

I'm sorry sir. I tried everything.

I tried feeding them, petting them,

singing to them, beat poetry-

Have you tried just beating them?

If that's a joke, sir, it's so not funny.

Then it's so not a joke.

There's really nothing I can do, sir.

Here, have some complimentary ear plugs.

I know it's only a small consolation, but

Gimme.

Don't make me come back here.

Next time I'll be wearing shoes.

BLEAUGH!!! I've had it!

If you want something done right,

you have to do it yourself.

I've got to call Chris.

Awe Come onl

{answering machine pick up} Hi, it's Chris.

Leave a message

How dare you let your machine pick up?!

You are scum. You're worthless, spineless, rotten

to the core... That's it. We are no longer friends.

I hate you. We are done. If you ever try to speak to me

again, I will literally strangle you.

Come over when you get this. It's Dan.

That's Chris' knock.

Sounds like he clipped his nails this morning.

FINALLY.

I came as soon as I got your message.

Do I smell meatloaf?

Got my message?

Why was your phone off?

Well My, uh... doctor says I'd sleep more if I didn't

take your calls in the middle of the night.

This is not okay. You never turn your phone off, ever

again. Promise me.

So what do you need me for?

PROMISE. ME.

I promise. Why am I here?

Vengence!

They built an animal shelter across the street.

Another one?

What do you mean, "another one"?

Umm The Manfrangensen Animal

Shelter's been there since before you moved in. It's an

historic landmark. I'm sure we've talked about this before.

What was that? I wasn't listening.

What's the problem, Dan!

Well, they won't let me sleep.

Who's that?

Would you start paying attention?!

The howling beasts! But they'll get theirs.

Um-hmm. How?

You'll distract the incompetent at the counter.

I'll sneak the poison into the kennel.

Wait, Wait are you planning to poison abandoned;

animals?

I mean, kind of.

NO!l

Why not? They're just going to go to sleep. Forever.

Dan, these are innocent creatures that have

been abandoned by an uncaring society.

What if I just poison the guy who works there?

That... would be murder.

But it's for a good cause.

I can release the animals and they can run free.

I don't think that'll sway the jury.

So I just wasted my whole day making

this poisoned meatloaf!!

Oh, no.

Dan, Have I been poisoned?

Dan......Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?

Do you have more than one meatloaf?

Who has more than one meatloaf?

Oh, no.l

Oh, no...

Maybe you should go ahead and sit down.

I'm feeling pretty light-headed...

Yeah. You've been poisoned.

Seriously, you should sit down.

I think I'm going to faint...

Fall this way. I'll catch you.

You really should have sat down.

What are you, made of sand?

Well, I'm not paying for an ambulance.

I want you to know,

you're paying for that meatloaf with your own

money... And the poison... And bus fare.

Hey, man... If you're not using that dead

body for anything, can I have it?

You may not. He's not dead. Don't you listen to that man.

You're not dead, pal. Hang in there.

Only twelve more stops.

Hello, fair nurse. I would like to check my

friend into yun hospital.

Does he have insurance?

I'm sure he does. He's one of those.

With which carrier?

Oh, come on!

This is my friend. He's been poisoned.

You are a hospital. Fix him, please.

Does he have any identification?l

Yes! I'm sure he does.

I'll need his full name to--

Aaauugghh! You and your endless bureaucracy!

Sir, I just need his name.

Forget it! I will take my business, and my dying

friend, elsewhere.

There's got to be an easier way. Maybe if you had

wheels or something...

This guy's insurance plan is really good. He'll get to

see a real doctor, not the actor in a lab coat

that most people see.

Come on, rookie...

Ah Seriously, if this doesn't work, I'm leaving you.

I would never leave you.

Really?

[grunting}

Are you with the Hospital?

Hey buddy, you mind taking the next ambulance? Thanks!

I'm sure the next one will be here in a few minutes.

You'll be fine.

Uh - hey. Excuse me?

Wait, where are you - what?

Oof! Ow! Oof! Gyah! Ouch!

Oh, yeah. This is much easier.

Hey! What are you doing with our patient?

He was trying to escape. I stopped him.

Oh, thanks!

Looks like this guy's been poisoned.

The chart says broken arm.

Someonel should contact this guy's next of kin.

He doesn't look so good.

Fine. I'll call her.

Hello?

It's Dan. I've got some good news, and some bad news.

Is Chris with you?

Chris isn't really "with us" anymore. He's dead.

What?!

Well, not dead, but poisoned.

Poisoned?!

But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.

You're not making any sense.

Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say

before I called you.

Is Chris okay!?

No! He's dead! I mean, no he's not.

Where are you?

I'm at a pay phone.

And where's Chris?

I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere,

I think.

Are you at the hospital?

Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?!

I'll be there in five minutes. And I am not happy.

Like I am?!

Say "beep" one more time.

Beep?

Be serious. He still hasn't woken up.

Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out.

He's in a better place now.

Better place? He's in a hospital!

This is pretty much the worst place you can be.

I would think shark tank.

Dan!!

Well, whose fault is this anyway?

Yours!

No way!

Listen, if you walk into someone's house

and you see a meatloaf on the counter,

do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.

You know Chris is on the See-Food Diet.

That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans!

Also, meatloaf isn't seafood.

Oh! Oh Seafood. I get it.

It's a good thing you still have a sense of

humor even though Chris is dead. Dying.

Poisoned. Whatever, he's fine.

I. Am going. To get. Some tea.

Don't touch anything!

FINALLY.

Do you want to tag along on my revenge?

"Yes I do."

Do you want to pay for everythinlg

with your credit cards?

"I don't know..."

Oh, come on, we'll have a blast!

"Well, all right. Can I get a milkshake later?"

Of course you can, buddy.

This is the third most uncomfortable thing that

I've had to do all week.

Doctor.

Doctor.

Glad I made a copy of your car key.

Don't worry buddy, I'll make you some air holes.

You'll be okay, buddy.

Well hello there. My name is Chris.

I would like to purchase these here items.

My... that's a lot of dynamite.

I got some 'sploding to do.

Okay. That'll be $3700.

Why I do believe I'll pay with my credit card.

Let me get that for you, buddy.

Uh... I'm gonna need to see some I.D. with that...

Why don't you ring yourself up a 30% tip?

Thank you, sir!

And thanks for your help there, my good fellow!

Don't worry buddy, your money didn't go to waste.

Thanks again for bankrolling my sweet, sweet revenge.

Stupid homeless animals...

Uh oh, looks like there's no room for you in the car!

"Hey that's okay. I don't mind. Just stick me through

the sun roof?"

You sure you don't mind?

"I don't mind a bit. But can we stop for milkshakes now?"

let's get you that milkshake.

"Thanks Dan, you're the best."

RAHWWR!

Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world famous

burger bowl.

World famous? Whatever you say, sweetness.

Get me a plain burger, a small cola, and a milkshake

for my friend here. That's a PLAIN burgler. No cheese.

I'm lactose intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die.

But NOT before I burn this place to the ground.

That'll be $2.98 sir.

Keep the change, pumpkin.

You're okay, buddy.

Ketchup. The one true condiment.

Here's your milkshake slugger.

Thanks Dan. You are my best friend.

I know.

I love you.

Um I feel.. somewhat warmly towards you,

but to be honest this

conversation is making me uncomfortable.

Thank goodness.

It's Elise.

I'll get it.

Yello?

Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole

him from the hospital.

And you just assume it was me.

I saw the security tapes. You also took our car.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, I'll have you know.

Technically, Chris is mine now.

Bring him back to the hospital this instant!

He needs medical care.

Bring him back? Why?

We are having a great time!

Sure he's a little pale and his breathing is shallow,

but he's fine. Plus he's gonna help me blow up

I mean, uh, run some errands.

I can drop him off when we are done.

Bring him back now, Dan.

What's that? You're breaking up.crackle crackle, buzz

You're not even making the noises. You're just saying

"crackle" and "buzz."

Crackle, buzz!

Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions.

Oh no! Chris! Why did you let me drink your milkshake!?

I have got to get my medicine!

Come on!

Curse you Burgerfile!!!

You're... going on the list...

Medicine... Need... my... medicine.

Man, I need to vacuum.

Of Course

Stay here. I'm gonna run to the drug store.

Oh, Chris... Dan! You have three seconds to explain yourself.

We got dynamite...

Okay, just don't jostle me or anything,

my guts are killing me.

Oooh, my guts!

Hello floor... you and I are going to be spending some

time together...

Ah, yes. Great. More barking.

There's the icing on my awfulness cake.

This'll shut your furry faces.

So long, you loud jerks.

Stop looking at me like that. Bad kitty!

Do you want to be my kitty?

Ng'awww. I'm gonna call you Mumbles.

Let's go, Mr. Mumbles. Do you mind that I just changed

your name to Mr. Mumbles?

FINE.

Mr. Mumbles? You waited for me?

I love you, Mr. Mumbles.

Okay Mr. Mumbles, cover your ears.

3...2...1...

Noooooooot cooooolllllll!

...Oh... harsh buzz, bro.

Oh no Dude... My Locks, My locks

Holy Diver what is that?!?

Aughhh! Why Mr. Mumbles,

WHY?!?

Are you kidding me? A FIRING RANGE!

Sir? The doctor is ready to see you now.

No, we did not purchase $4000 worth of explosives.

Good day, sir. Okay! Let's get those pants off.

Um, I'm here about my face being all scratched.

Heh heh. Oh, don't worry, I'm not a doctor.