Original subtitles

I can't believe how much I hate everything.

Hi Dan, I just moved in next door.

I'm a supermodel.

I don't care who the IRS sends,

I'm not paying taxes.

You're cute.

And so clever!

If you kiss me, I'll make you pancakes.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Oh, come on!

I can almost taste those pancakes.

Ugh!

Ahhh! Ooph!

No supermodel, no pancakes, Pfft!

Reality.

Why can't I wake up from this?

My car!

Three long scratches?

Coarse, gray fur?

Paw prints?

Deductive reasoning leads me to the conclusion that there is

only one possible culprit!

WOOOLLLLLFMAAANNNN!!!

Pick up the phone, pick up the phone,

pick up the phone.

Are you screening this call?

No one screens me!

I will not be screened!

Hello?

Chris! Get over here.

Dan?

I thought your court-ordered evaluation was today?

I'm not going.

I have been wronged.

Again?

I can't believe it either!

I demand vengeance!

Who is it this time?

The worst, most devious subhuman of them all!

The mailman?

Close.

The WOLF-MAN!

The Wolfman. Like from the movies?

Like the movies, but a real one.

Uh, huh.

Just get over here!

Yeah, I told Elise I wouldn't help you

with revenge anymore, so...

Get over here right now!

I said now!

Hey Elise, uh, do you need anything from the store?

Was that Dan on the phone?

Yeah. He says he's been wronged.

Who is it this time?

The, uh, Wolfman. I know.

So you're going?

Well you told me you didn't want me to help Dan with his

missions of vengeance any more...

I just said you shouldn't let Dan push you around.

You can go if you want.

Well, in that case I'd better go.

Dan said to get over there right now.

Have fun.

Love you!

Don't do anything... ...stupid.

What took you so long?

Nice to see you, too.

Stupid Wolfman. I'll get you.

There's no such thing as a Wolfman, Dan.

How could you be so naive? Look at the fur.

Look at the paw prints!

There's an animal shelter right there.

Look!

Those are sneaker prints.

Exactly!

Exactly what?

What wears shoes, but also has paws?

The Wolfman!

So you're saying that the Wolfman's a jogger.

"He's an evil beast with an unsavory bloodlust.

Of course he jogs!

If he's wearing shoes, what's with the paw prints?

Obviously he runs like this.

He doesn't run like that in the movies.

This isn't the movies, this is REAL LIFE!

Stop living in a fantasy world.

The Wolf-Man screatched my car, and he must pay!

Next month.

Why next month?

Next full moon!

Don't you watch movies?

So what are we doing today?

Nothing. Go home.

No revenge today?

nah, it got pushed back to next month.

Full moon and everything.

Makes sense. Sort of.

Ohh, I should have said that.

That wouldn't work. Too subtle.

It's the full moon again tonight. Get over here.

It's Halloween.

What? So?

So I'm handing out candy with Elise.

Chris, did you just eat all the candy? Again?

Uh.....yes.

If I bring more candy out, will it last until the

trick-or-treaters get here?

I can't guarantee that.

Is that Dan on the phone?

Is that Elise? Don't tell her it's me!

How did you know?

Snitch!

We're the only two people that call you.

Why don't you go help him?

Sweet!

Get over here!

Can I take some candy with me?

Never mind, I don't need your help.

The situation is under control.

Help!!!

Quiet!

Who's that?

The Wolfman.

I caught him.

You caught him?

Mission accomplished.

Help!

Quiet!

You can go.

Oh, Dan. This is not okay.

What isn't okay?

I caught the Wolfman.

This isn't the Wolfman, Dan!

You caught a trick-or-treater.

Of course he's the Wolfman! Look at him!

Does he have claws?

No.

So how did he scratch your car?

Maybe he grows claws.

Dan, there's no such thing as the Wolfman!

Of course there is!

There is not!

I want to go home!

Quiet!

You can't go kidnapping children!

And you, don't you know not to go

trick-or-treating without an adult?

Yeah, there's a lot of crazies out there.

You could end up on a milk carton.

Awfully sorry about this.

Pshhh.

Owww!

Well, at least you're here to help me with the-

Wolfman!

There he is! Get him!

Trick or-

Aahhh!

Dan, stop!

That's a Yeti!

Help me!

He's reverting to human form!

Ahhh!

Aaaaaa...

Oh! Right! I'm a cop!

Hey!

This is much nicer than the last jail I was in.

That's very reassuring.

Don't get snippy.

All right, now which one of you is Chris?

That's me, sir.

Okay, so we have a wallet, keys, a comb-

Why do you have a comb?

Your hair is boring.

A locket with a picture in it...

Hey! That's not me!

Three bouillion cubes; two beef, one chicken-

Really?

There might be a soup-related emergency.

Do you mind?

I got a lot on my plate and I don't need to be spending all

day with a couple of knuckleheads like you two.

Oh yeah?

What have you got going on that's so important?

I'm in the middle of a book I'd like to finish

sometime this year.

Good book.

Not all of it works though.

Now, what else?

Okay, so are Dan?

Gimme my stuff.

Okay, we've got an enemies list and several

expletive-laced letters to someone named "Grandma."

Also, I feel I should warn you that you are way past the legal

limit on pocket lint.

What I do in the privacy of my pockets is my business alone!

You can't treat me like this,

I know people who pay taxes!

And where are my knucks?

Brass knuckles are illegal in California.

And the rest of the country.

They've been confiscated.

Confiscated!?

CONFISCATED?!

Dan, don't!

CONFISCATED!!!!!

I can't believe this!

Those where a gift from my mother. How dare you!

I'm gonna confiscate this water!

What's going on here!?

How dare you?!

Well I'm confiscating THIS. And THIS!

And I'm confiscating your hat!

Sir, do not reach for my hat.

Well, that was completely humiliating.

It wasn't my fault.

That guy was being difficult.

And whose fault was it that we were jailed for

assaulting a minor?

Okay, so maybe that kid wasn't the Wolfman.

Maybe?

Okay, probably!

There, are you happy now?!

What about this situation would make me happy?

I'm so tired.

That's just like you.

One minor run in with the law, and you're set to give up.

Not me, pal.

Give up?

N----I'm going to drop you off and go to bed.

And let the Wolfman roam free?

For the last time, there's no-

Shh! Did you hear that?

Mmrph. Probably a dog.

Drive north!

North, you monkey!

Ooof!

Oh, come on!

How can there be a traffic jam at this hour?!

Halloween.

Normal people are coming back from costume parties.

Not police stations.

I hate everyone.

You don't hate everyone.

I do! I hate everyone!

All that anger's not good for you, you know.

It's eating you alive.

You know what you can eat?

I don't have to be out here, driving you around, you know.

I've got better things to do than looking for

mythical creatures.

He's not mythical.

He scratched my-

I've put up with an awful lot--

my CAR, he scratched my CAR.

I've put up with an awful lot from you on this

stupid quest of yours, but no more.

I'm out!

You're stupid.

Next time you should have one of your OTHER friends help you.

Like who?

I don't know, how about your friend Ted?

He's not talking to me right now.

You know, people struggling from anger issues

That's him!

That's... the Wolfman?

Come on! Get after him!

Pretend he's a sandwich!!

What kind of sandwich?

Watch out!

Stop it! Let go!

You let go!

It's my car!

We're gonna lose him!

Then let me drive!

Fine! Ahhhh!!

What are you doing?! Get after him!

I... can't... move.

Aaarrhhh!

You are coming back, right?

Wolf-man... Come out to play-ay!

Wolf-man.... Wolf-man... Wolf-man...

Wolf-man.... Wolf-man... Wolf-man...

You didn't have to ditch me.

I think we both know that I did.

You froze.

You let the team down.

The team?

Team Dan.

Did you at least catch the Wolfman?

No, jerkface, I didn't catch the Wolfman.

I lost him on Laurel Canyon, thanks to your freezing up like

a bed wetter in winter.

Where could he have gone?

He probably lives around there somewhere.

Next full moon, that's where we'll start.

So, we try again in a month?

No. Go home. Find silver.

We need silver to stop the Wolf-Man.

Come back with as much silver as you can find.

And a cupcake.

You are like the slowest driver in the world!

Thanks for helping me, Chris.

"Mamamanana, Chris." Give me your silver.

This is it?

I thought I told you to bring all the silver you could

find and you bring me one lousy coin?

Yeah, and I'm actually gonna need that back,

it's kind of a family heirloom.

It was my great-great grandfather's lucky silver-

Hey! Dan! Knock it off!

I need silver to wound the Wolfman.

It's part of my plan.

I'll give it back later.

But it'll be destroyed!

Stop the whining, already!

Yesss... That will do nicely.

In one month's time, this will pierce

the flesh of the Wolfman.

That's odd. It's not even raining.

Ahhh! Owwww! Hot hot hot!

Do you even own a bow?

No, but I know where to get one.

I still don't feel right about this.

Keep digging.

I mean, I've done questionable things before,

but this feels like graverobbing.

Plus, I've heard this place was haunted.

It's not haunted.

Besides, do you know a better place to get a bow?

Uh, a sporting goods store?

Just off the top of my head.

I don't have any money.

Besides, shut up.

Ahhh!

Oh gross! A skull!

Let me see. Cool.

Yeah.

Finally! Got it?

No thanks to you, Sleeping Ugly.

Now drive me home.

Ugh, what time is it?

Four A.M.

I'm supposed to have breakfast with Elise and her parents.

I've been up all night, I'm covered in dirt....I'm going

to be completely dead in the morning.

Not as dead as they are!

- Oh, no. - Run!

In your face, neolithic indigenous zombies!

Dan, don't taunt the undead!

See you in about a month.

I guess...

Enjoy your stupid breakfast!

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Num, num, num.

He's been um... working.

Really hard.

Mom, Dad, watch - he does a really cool trick.

See?

Man I hate coffee.

Why'd you get it?

I used their bathroom.

What does using the bathroom have to do with anything?

Bathrooms are for customers only, Chris.

Okay, but why did you get coffee?

We're on a stakeout.

You have to have coffee on a stakeout.

Tell me how it's possible to have a stakeout and not

have a styrofoamed cup of Joe!

Whatever. Can we just drop it?

Fine.

- Fine! - Fine!

I still hate coffee.

Fine! I don't care!

Can we please stop talking about the coffee?!

Fine!

These donuts suck.

Then stop eating them.

And why did we have to take my car?

Do you know how expensive gas is?

It's like seven bucks a gallon!

Right, that's my point.

This is your revenge, you should at least chip in for-

Shh! Let's roll!

Aah! Aah! Hot coffee!

All over the car! Drive!

Oh, no! I ran over another cyclist!

Don't stop!

Drive! I should probably at least see if the guy's okay.

He's fine. I saw him get up.

- Really? - Absolutely.

He is NOT fine.

Yeah, he won't be getting up for a long time.

He's close.

I can sense his presence.

You can't sense his presence.

I can so. Shut up.

Rrrrraarrhh.. Tacos...

I told you I could sense him! Get close!

Chris! Drive! Right! Keep it steady, buddy!

We've only got one shot at this!

Fetch this, Fido.

Good shot!

We've got him now!

Stop here! I knew if we wounded him, he'd lead us to his home!

His Wolf Den.

Why do you have to give everything a name?

So that's blood?

I don't know. Taste it.

That's blood.

Aww gross.

314. Perfect.

What maniac shoots a guy in the butt with an arrow?!

Bunch of filthy animals in this town.

So I guess we need some more silver.

For what?

You know, to, uh, kill the Wolfman.

Kill him?

Yeah, now that we know where he lives.

The guy scratches my car, and you want to kill him?

Well, yeah, he's a menace.

What are you, a psycho?

No, I just-

You've got some serious anger issues.

You know they have books for that.

That's it?

You keyed his car?

Yep, now we're even.

He scratched my car, I scratched his.

We spend months on this.

We steal from an archaeological dig,

my car smells like coffee, and my great great grandfather's

lucky silver dollar has been pounded flat and is now lodged

in the right buttock of a were-creature.

All so you could key his car?

Yeah. Wanna hit Burgerphile?

No I don't wanna - I just- Ah- With the- could you

Yeah, okay.

You're buying.

Ahh, I'm glad that's over with. No more monsters.