Original subtitles

Welcome back to Who Wants to Remain a Millionaire.

I'm your host, fake farmer and real arsehole, Jeremy Clarkson.

Let's bring out our contestant for tonight. You hate him, I hate him.

It's Prime Minister, Keir Starmer.

It's great to be here, Jeremy.

Great to have you here, Sir Keir. Now, let's play.

We start with your first and indeed only question.

Is it ever a good idea to give Peter Mandelson a job?

Is it A, no, B, of course not, C, not in a million years,

or D, yay?

It's a tricky one.

Jeremy, I think I'm going to have to use a lifeline on this one.

Could I ask the audience?

OK. Audience on your keypads, please.

Is it ever a good idea to give paedophile -adjacent Bond villain Peter

a job?

Vote now.

Pretty comprehensive.

What do you make of that, Sir Keir?

I'll be honest, Jeremy.

I'm leaning towards D.

But seeing that has put a seed of doubt in my mind. I'd like to use another

lifeline.

Really?

Yes, 50 -50, please, Jeremy.

Okay, computer, can you lose two wrong answers, please?

Oh, gosh.

This looks so much easier at home.

Jeremy, I'm afraid I'm just not being presented with the facts.

I think I'm going to have to phone a friend.

Okay, Sir Keir, who are you going to call?

I'd like to call Peter Mandelson.

Here he goes.

Let's hope he has the answer.

Hello?

Hi, Peter. Jeremy Clarkson here. I've got Sir Keir with me. He needs your

Sir Keir, your time starts now.

Hi, Peter.

First things first, how have you been?

Rightly well, Sir Keir. How may I be of service?

Ten seconds left. Peter, I am being rushed, so I have to ask.

Is it ever a good idea to give you a job?

Me? A job?

I'd be careful if I were you.

Oh, Peter, you'll have me going in a minute.

He's a cheeky monkey, that one.

Well, Sir Keir, did that help?

Afraid not.

Time to use another lifeline. Let's go 50 -50 again.

You know what? I'll allow it. Computer.

OK, Jeremy.

I have my answer.

I know it's not conventional, but I'd actually like to bring back one of the

previous options.

Because I'm going to go with D. Final answer.

Are you totally sure?

Oh, never.

I am sorry, Sir Keir. I'm afraid the correct answer was C.

Oh, Jeremy.

It's clear to me now that was the wrong decision.

Would I make the same decision again, knowing what I know now?

Quite possibly.

But that doesn't change the fact that LI -

and I am so excited to be here hosting what is increasingly becoming SNL UK and

Ireland.

So you might know me from Derry Girls, where I played a schoolgirl who came out

as a lesbian, or Big Mood, where I played a writer who came out as bipolar,

Bridgerton, where I played an aristocrat who came out as a messy bitch who lives

for drama.

Isn't that all like me in real life?

Jack Shep. Yeah.

He drank all of Emma City's banana yazoo.

Shhh.

Fun fact, though.

Back when I had nothing but dreams, I actually used to sell frozen yogurt

the street. It's a true story.

But since I'm rich and famous now, someone gets it for me.

Two scoops of berry blast. Not now, Minion.

But I have to say, being here is such a dream come true. I am an SNL super fan.

I can't believe I get to stand on this famous set where some of the most

talented entertainers have stood, like Tina Fey or...

Jamie Dornan or me five weeks ago.

Yeah, I was here on that very first ever episode of SNL UK last month, where I

got to live every man's dream, shouting at a female comedian on television.

This evening, I really wanted to recreate the magic of the original 1970s

so to prepare, I had consumed a staggering amount of cocaine.

Honestly, I could knock out a horse.

But look, it is an honour to be hosting.

It sort of feels like I manifested it somehow.

It's almost like this place is, like, magic.

That's because it is.

It's actually our royal teacher in Paris.

Thanks for having me. Sorry, can you repeat your name? It's very tricky to

pronounce. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Nicola.

God, I love the British sense of humor.

Irish, Jimmy.

Educate yourself.

Hey, educate yourself. My great -great -grandpa's from Ireland.

Oh,

speak Irish?

Well, what region was that from?

Duolingo. Oh, it is beautiful there. But, like, as much fun as this is, can I

just get back to hosting?

Yeah, well, that's why I'm here, Nicola, to teach you the biggest secret of SNL

that no one wants you to know. Oh, which is?

Well, don't tell anyone, but it's live.

Don't really try to hide that, Jimmy, in the title.

No, you're not getting it. It's actually live.

I mean, you can do whatever you want. You can go wherever you want. You're the

host. They don't stop you. Well, what do you mean?

What do I mean?

Ben, give me some music.

You see, Nicola, we don't have to stay on this stage. We can go into the

audience.

The Beatles. It's fantastic. Oh, fair enough. I get you. I get you. Yeah,

fine. This is it. Oh, my gosh. Look at this.

Hattie and Anya are getting ready for a weekend update. Give them some news.

Hey, Jack Shep, he does his number two in your dressing room.

Later, nerds. That's what I'm talking about. Start feeling the power.

TV, I'm getting it now. Yeah. I'm the host. I can do anything I want.

How do you like me now, London?

I mean, this is it. This is SNL UK Live.

When else can you hold up a copy of today's newspaper and have it make

Do you know what I'm saying?

You should ask me to be best friends because we're live.

He has to say yes.

Mr. Dave Grohl up there?

Could we please be best friends?

Sure, why not?

Yeah.

See you later, besties.

That was incredible.

I'm telling you, you got it, you got it. Oh, look, there's George.

Oh, hello, Jimmy Fallon.

And as for you, don't forget, it doesn't matter, Nicola Coughlin.

None of this is real!

It is real, George, for you, Chris. I'm the host now. And don't you forget it!

Oh, God! Oh, my goodness! I broke out with my bare hands! No, really!

You're feeling this energy almost too much. Yeah, I know. It's like the

is, like, really kicking in. Oh, maybe that's why you didn't say that. But

either way, you can feel the energy.

Literally no one on stage. Are we doing the show?

The show?

It's more about the show. This is magic!

Nicola Coughlin, and can I just say we loved your work in The Magic Far Away

Tree. Oh, thank you. Yes, you've done a real service for the classic book.

Oh, look, it's been an absolute privilege.

So what did you want to meet about?

Well, I have actually written a song for the movie. Sorry, what?

You know, like Will Smith does.

Made, like, a lovely song for the end credits.

You shouldn't have.

Yeah, you've done more than enough with your charming portrayal of Silky the

Elk. Whoa, gosh.

You haven't heard it yet.

a magical trunk. It's a big intrigue. It's a new line of day. And you think

big now? Yeah, bitch, it's far away.

Hey, hey.

Nicola Coughlin.

I play a fairy named Susie. I'm a little bit thotty. It's based on a book by the

bitch who did naughty.

Magic's up in the clouds.

Yeah, the shit's so exciting. A mind from the trippin' can talk to being a

blightin'. I'm gonna steal your boy when I'm rollin' with my homies. I feel

them, boy. Yeah, they're spam back and young and they're spamming.

Wow. Okay.

We love the enthusiasm.

Thank you. It's not very Will Smith -y, though, is it?

It's more like Natalie Portman. I don't know her. We're just worried you're

missing some of the family -friendly themes of the film. You only mention how

the tree is far away and big.

Oh, I get you. I get you. So the song should be a bit more about my experience

filming a movie.

We didn't say it.

Well, they would have done this. If this song were to be in the credits, they,

the audience, would have just seen a big tree with elves living in it. Why is

there so much stuff about the on -set catering? Just remember, when we were

filming, there was lots of really delicious snacks, OK?

I think we've heard enough.

You haven't heard the guest verse?

Who's the guest verse? My name is Keith.

I did the on -set catering. But when the captain crew's energy is wavering

Anything they need, you knew I would get it Hey, look, here's my motherfucking

name in the credits It's a firework dream On the final shooting day we had

ice cream truck It lifted morale for the captain crew Of the movie from the

beach who wrote Paddington's New Well, thank you so much, Nicola. Richard and

Keith. Yeah, and of course, Keith from Catering. We actually started, um...

Do you think on the movie Anna, let me tell you, things got pretty freaky.

Whoa! No, please, that's enough. I can tell that's going to be explicit.

Guys, we literally have nothing. Where the hell are we going to find this

We go to print in three hours.

I don't understand.

It's like no one has insane anecdotes anymore.

We're just going to have to face it, gang.

This is the end of What A Life magazine.

Morrison's 71st best -selling bi -monthly publication.

Gone!

Don't say that. We can still turn this around. How?

You know how. No!

Betty, we can't.

We said we wouldn't do that anymore.

But it's our only... I hope it works every time.

She's right.

We're going to have to do it.

We're going to have to talk to Paula in the couch.

You all right, Paula?

Did you get up too much last night?

Oh, you know, dinner, telly, having sex with my neighbour's ghost.

Oh,

that's lovely.

What's his name?

Frank!

disease 14 years ago.

His favourite drink was liquidated pork.

And do you guys have good chemistry?

As much as any woman and the ghost of a dead Argos manager can.

You know, he reads me the catalogue after we've made love.

I like the toaster page.

This is perfect. Let me write this down.

Why?

You're not putting me in your magazine again, are you?

Oh my God, what?

No, no, we'd never do that. Yeah, we're just chatting about having sex with

paranormal beings like any group of colleagues do.

You're the office accountant.

You're the funnest person here.

Which reminds me, have you had any good celebrity encounters recently?

Nah. Well, not unless you count the wrong...

Not Paula.

We never have.

Oh, come off it.

Do you think I was born yesterday?

I thought last month.

Remember?

When I grew an extra mouth after spilling baby bio on me chin.

I forgot about the issue before.

When I went to Turkey...

I won five grand for a dolphin charity.

They repeated that episode on ITV quiz the other night. You did so good.

Yeah, thank you.

Judge Rinder's thick as shit, ain't he?

Well, guess what I'm trying to say is, you just want to talk to us as

colleagues. Yeah, who respect your privacy and don't put everything you say

over 300 issues of a magazine.

Or Photoshop you with a bucket of cement stuck to your foot. Yeah, exactly.

If you ask nicely...

let you take a picture.

Sorry, Paula, your life is just mad.

I know.

Not many people have had 47 anal probes.

God knows what those aliens are looking for up there, but I hope to God they

find it.

Right, cup of tea?

Yeah, that'd be great, thanks.

Well, what are we going to do if we can't print her stuff anymore?

We're going to have to close the magazine down.

I know it means we'll all lose our jobs, but... It's the right thing to do.

Agreed? Agreed. Oh, my God!

Guys! I've had triplets!

I didn't even know I was pregnant!

Oh, not again!

Sorry. Call the printers.

We'll have an issue in an hour.

I can never find anything in this thing. Been there, girl.

Have you tried a bag organizer?

A bag organizer?

You heard. With my chip -shaped bag insert, I can find anything at a

notice.

Thanks to the chip -shaped lightweight feel, structured lining, and 12 handy

compartments, I have my whole life at my own fingertips.

That's enough out of you, bitch.

Black organizers are costly and ineffective.

Plus, they make you look like you think you're better than me, which you're not.

That's why I put my trust in Big Horrid Clumps.

Big Horrid Clumps is the effortless storage solution for fun girls, messy

girls with complicated friendship groups, water -damaged passports, and

infections.

Since I gave myself over to Big Horrid Clumps... My possessions have never been

so... in a clump.

What's in my clump?

Charger. Used tissues.

A lip gloss that smells weird.

Orange peel.

Retainer. Wired headphones.

I am Malala.

Credit card.

Bloody plastic.

Loose prep.

Rice. Also rice.

A positive pregnancy test.

Who's the daddy?

There's no way of knowing. It was an orgy.

Oh, and yogurt.

I hope it's yogurt.

It's all in the clump.

Big horrid clump is the only bag organisation system that does the work

Got a load of crap?

Got a bag?

Just toss it all in there and let the clump times roll.

But doesn't that ultimately make your life harder?

Yeah, what if you need something from inside the clump? What then?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Big, horrid clump.

It is big, it is horrid, and it is a clump.

We don't know why we do it or how to stop it, but if we start tugging at that

thread, we're terrified of the hell we'll unleash.

Ah! Something bit me!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Hello, I'm Darcy Gritt. And I'm Zoe Bost. And welcome back to QVC's The

Jewellery Store.

Today we're delighted to be joined by our brand ambassador, full of sparkle,

gems, Kirsty Frapp. How are you, Kirsty?

I'm good. It's so lovely to be back.

Oh, it's lovely to have you back. We've missed you.

Oh, well, it's actually because I've had a few personal issues which have kept

me away.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's OK.

Oh, I hope everything's all right. It really is.

And I'm so excited to be here today to show off this fabulous new collection of

gemstone stacking rings. I'm just looking at these pieces, Kirsty, and I'm

thinking they are simply stunning.

I'm thinking the exact same thing, Bowie. I'm looking at them just thinking

gorgeous. Absolutely. That's it, ladies.

a closer look. You can see that these stacking rings just

encapsulate the glittering prestige

at the heart of the Lisparkle brand.

That really is a beautiful piece. What's wrong with my watch?

No, it's not gemstone, it's sapphire. It's actually tanzanite.

It's tanzanite.

And you can just see it twinkle there.

I love a stacking ring. Why is it so long?

I'm so sorry.

It grew, okay?

It grew.

That's the personal issue that I've been dealing with.

Now, it's taken me a lot of courage to come back here and do this job, but I'm

here and I'm doing it. Have you been to the doctor? No.

a new dp it's the whole thing anyway anyway

okay all right so i'd like to now show

you some of these breathtaking pieces from the new summer collection okay now

the detail on these is simply

The detail is stunning. Yes, that's it. The detail.

The detail is simply stunning.

What is wrong with my fucking hands?

Yeah, the detail is unbelievable. And this can now be yours for an

Well, it's £2 now, plus... It's a great price.

I don't have any signal. That's OK. I'll think I'm...

Losing consciousness now.

Oh, well, thank you so much for dropping by, Kirsty.

Hopefully we won't have to wait too long till we see you next time.

I reckon it's going to be another big gap before we ever see her again. Oh, it

will, won't it? Yeah.

So join us after the break. We'll be attempting to vlog you a neck jacuzzi.

That's right, it's a jacuzzi for your neck. And it ain't cheap. See you in a

I got another

Rain.

Sometimes you just gotta let go.

Some things you can't divide.

Some things you can't define.

Sometimes you can't decide.

Do I?

Do I?

Some things you can't divide.

Some things you can't define.

Sometimes you can't decide.

Do I?

Do I?

Some things you can't divide.

Some things you can't divide.

Sometimes you think to die, to die, to die.

Sometimes you think to die.

Sometimes you can't decide.

Do I?

Do I?

Sometimes you can't decide.

Sometimes you can't decide.

It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya

Magliano.

This week, the scandal surrounding the vetting of Peter Mandelson, seen here

repurposing his gimp leash.

Gulf Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

Starmer and Mandelson. It's the age -old story of man meets man.

Man meets paedophile.

Paedophile meets paedophile meets paedophile meets paedophile.

Man doesn't vet man properly.

Man has to resign.

Other man ought to resign.

Main paedophile still secretly alive in Tel Aviv.

It's a tale as old as time.

And it's hard for Starmer. Imagine knowing your colleague is a massive

but you continue working with them anyway so you can keep your career. We

it the Matt Lucas dilemma.

As a result of the Mandelson fallout, civil servant Ollie Robbins has been

sacked.

No!

Not Ollie Robbins!

Sir Oliver Robbins, permanent and the Secretary of State for Foreign,

Commonwealth and Developmental...

number 10 that Starman's resorted to confidence -building exercises.

You know, the one where you stand on a chair, fall backwards with your eyes

closed and just hope the noose holds.

All this comes after allegations that Peter Mandelson leaked secrets to a

paedophile. But what we're forgetting is that paedophiles are famously good at

keeping secrets.

It's their whole thing.

Well, not their whole thing.

Trump has yet again extended the ceasefire with Iran until peace talks

It's the third time this month that he has backed off from escalating the

conflict. Well, at least after being on the cusp of nuclear war so many times,

when it finally comes, it's going to feel amazing.

The Iran war has caused the price of condoms to go up by 30 % due to global

trade issues.

Oh, good.

I can't wait to hear the phrase...

Sorry, babe, I actually can't wear one. It's the straight -up hormones.

I don't mind there being a condom shortage because I have a penis

In a video celebrating what would have been Queen Elizabeth's 100th birthday,

King Charles said that his late mother would have been deeply troubled by much

in the modern world because in the modern world, she's dead.

celebrated his mother's legacy.

And we can all agree, the Queen was a figure of courage and dignity right up

until the end, when Paddington Bear, death's tiny henchman, came to collect

The Peruvian king of the underworld offered her his paw and escorted her to

heaven, where they reigned together for all eternity.

Happy birthday, Mom.

This week, former entertainer and entertainer of sixth formers, Russell

Has announced he's running for London Mayor.

And the London Mayor's running away!

As part of his publicity drive, Russell Brand was interviewed by Piers Morgan

yesterday in a show I'm affectionately calling Women's Suicide Hour.

The NHS is under fire again, with West Street in commenting that female

feel ignored.

Here to comment on the NHS's endemic failure in listening to women is... The

woman who can't be ignored!

I am the woman who can't be ignored!

Don't! Don't even try it! You don't! Come on, boy! Don't look away! Don't do

Don't do it!

Sorry, what was your name?

Jenny...

Hi, Jenny.

Oh, wow, you really can't be ignored. I know, babe. The minute I walk in the

joint, da -da!

Now... I don't know the rest of the words, but you try ignoring that intro.

electric!

How would you advise other women to not be ignored? Right. Big hat and loud

fart.

They own up to these farts. You say, don't look at him. It was me. I made the

farts.

And so when it comes to the NHS, How do you get a doctor to really listen to

you? Yeah, yeah. So, Paddy, when I go to the GP, I knock on the doctor's door.

Tappity -tap -tap -tap -tap. Unusual rhythm.

Their interest is peak.

Then I enter the room like this. I go, raya!

I look the doctor square in the eyes and I say, what's up, doc?

Because this is looking absolutely insane.

Then I whip my pants off or maybe I get my foot out and I say, look at this, you

git.

And I'll say, ooh, doctor, it burns. You know, something exciting.

Then I say, write me a prescription, you quack. I bloody dare you, you bastard.

And does that work?

Well, they write me a prescription for something if you get my driftel. Don't

tell me how to live. Just sit and putter.

Hey, the point is...

who the NHS cannot ignore.

Jenny. What now, my love?

Jenny.

Do you think maybe the fact you're a middle -class white woman helps you not

ignored? Yeah, it will also be that.

Jenny, we've run out of time. Paddy, Paddy, listen. This is a man's world,

it'd be nothing without a woman or a girl.

What? Jenny, that's...

nationwide.

It's the first ever film to be rated 12 and under.

The intended third act of the Jackson biopic, which was to depict the sexual

abuse allegations, has been scrapped for legal reasons, leaving something short

and underdeveloped.

It's what he would have wanted.

Kasia Sanderson of Bristol has been jailed for nine years.

for smuggling military -grade weapons and Class A drugs into the UK.

Officers searched her car and found three submachine guns, a Glock handgun,

pistols, 289 rounds of ammunition and five kilograms of heroin with a street

value of half a million pounds, making Cassius Anderson my Woman of the Week.

the London Marathon, in which 60 ,000 runners are set to compete.

Here to talk about it is a man who's running the London Marathon!

Try and stop on mile nine.

A man who's running the London Marathon, everybody!

Disgraced TV chef Greg Wallace has announced that he's moving to Italy.

It's thought he chose Italy because it's the only country shaped like a woman's

leg.

is integrated into the local community, Wallace will go by his new Italian name,

Gregorio Sexypesti.

LAUGHTER Ellen DeGeneres' building plans for stables at her £22 million home

in the Cotswolds could be at risk over fears of how close the proposed site is

to sacred Roman relics.

Fragile, ancient and strangely haunting, Ellen DeGeneres moved to the UK in

2024. LAUGHTER

This week, Meghan Markle headlined a woman -only retreat in Australia.

It featured sound healing and a manifestation session where women were

encouraged to be their best selves.

Tickets cost around £2 ,000 and I was sad I couldn't go. The event would have

been perfect for me since I'm a woman and I'm also a fucking idiot.

It's been announced that mobile phones are set to be banned in schools.

which means, sadly, now many PE teachers will have to print off pictures of

their penis to send to students.

Tsunami waves hit Japan this week after a powerful earthquake struck the

country's northern coast.

Scientists are unsure of the exact cause, but initial reports suggest it's

because your mum sat down there.

An American big game hunter has been crushed to death by a herd of elephants

Central Africa.

Medics on the scene did what they could, but sadly, after seven hours of trying,

they just couldn't stop laughing.

His body has been taken back to his family, where he was laid to rest in the

centre of the living room.

And now, it may seem like Britain and the United States have drifted apart.

The special relationship is in trouble and something's happening with the

Falklands. I don't know what that is.

We could just keep making jokes about it, but first, we do want to check.

Are you okay?

This is Hand in Hand.

In Hand.

With Anya, Harry and Jimmy.

Our American friend and Weekend Update legend, Jimmy Fallon. That's me.

It's here to bring our countries back together.

Jimmy, we saw you from across the bar and we really dig your vibe.

We're just two hosts sat next to a more famous host asking him to boost our

rating.

Thanks, Paddy. Or Anya.

Look, Jimmy, I know America's been seeing a lot of other countries, but we

your first love. We've given each other so much.

We gave you Harry Styles.

Yeah, we took your Harry Styles and made Benson Boone.

I won flips.

And sure, we might not speak the same language, but with a bit of effort, you

could learn English.

And you guys could learn to floss.

Oh, pretty on there, Jimmy Lai. I don't think so.

But we still get each other. I mean, Patty, you do a great trump.

And Jimmy, you do the greatest Mick Jagger.

Stable you!

And I can do a duck.

Nice.

Sure, merging our cultures has gone badly in the past. Look at Lily Allen's

marriage.

Sometimes it goes well. Look at Lily Allen's album.

And yes, you may say things differently, but they mean the same thing. Like

aluminum. Aluminium.

Parking lot. Car park.

Epstein. Andrew.

Epstein. Mandelson.

Epstein. Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking was there?

Stephen Hawking was there.

On July the 4th, you celebrate leaving us, but from this day forward, April the

25th will henceforth be known as Codependence Day. Take that, World

Yeah, suck it, malaria.

Tell him, Jimmy.

So, let's celebrate our nations. For Britain! For America!

For we can...

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please. I wish we would

have better news, but our pilots have fallen unconscious.

So please, please remain calm.

Now I have to ask, does anyone on board have a valid pilot's license?

In that case, does anyone here think they can land a plane?

Right,

so that is all the men.

anything even remotely similar to landing a plane?

Do you still think you could?

Well,

we need to narrow this down. So, who here has gotten the closest to landing a

plane? Well, not to get my dick out, but I have been on a jet ski.

Oh, well done, bro. It's going to be you.

Okay, well, what we're actually looking for is anything resembling aviation

experience.

Especially Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse.

So cool.

I am afraid of heights, though. Will that be a problem?

No, no, no. The closer we get to the ground, the less it will be an issue,

That's great. We are getting really close, so who's it going to be?

Well, I literally just watched Top Gun Maverick, so I feel like I'm in the

The danger zone.

Can I point out that reference doesn't entirely work.

Danger Zone is actually the theme to the first Top Gun.

Maverick's theme is, of course, Lady Gaga's Hold My Hand.

He should land it. He knows most about planes. Can anyone do better than

whatever that was?

Well, I'm actually really comfortable driving in France. I got

my wife pregnant, like, first go.

Wait a second, hold on.

confession to make.

I have been in a cockpit before.

See, I always knew it'd be you. That's right.

I was on holiday.

Mykonos, Greece.

Me and me wife, they got ripped off by one of them seafood restaurants.

And they don't tell you that the charge be the gram.

Me wife asked me to confront the waiter.

Give him a piece of my mind. Simon, please don't do this.

And what did I do instead?

I just paid the bill.

Pathetic!

She couldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the trip.

Then came the flight home. Oh, there's the link.

Just after take -off.

I snuck in the cockpit, slipped a little something into the pilot's drinks to

knock him out cold.

That way it had to be me landing the plane. No longer the coward in Mykonos,

but the hero in Luton.

Luton!

What I hadn't planned is that all the other men would want to land it too.

Hang on.

We've just come from Mykonos, so... You're talking about right now. So that

means you put all these people's lives in danger just for me.

Okay, stop.

Go on, then.

Thank you for having faith in me.

Take us home.

You've got this, mate.

a child actor based on

Was I good enough?

Was I ever good enough?

Is it me that they see when the cameras are off?

Tell the cameras off.

Tell the cameras off.

Tell the cameras off. Tell the cameras off. Tell the cameras off. Tell the

cameras off. I wish I knew that too.

Name on the phone.

Losing myself as I use someone else's word.

ever true enough understand who I am when

credits roll won't you turn the cameras

off turn the cameras off turn the cameras off turn the cameras off turn

the cameras off

Turn the cameras off. Turn the cameras off. Turn the cameras off. Turn the

cameras off. Turn the cameras off. Turn the cameras off. Turn the cameras off.

They aren't who I think you are.

They aren't who I think you are.

Turn the cameras off.

Turn the cameras off. Turn the cameras off. Turn the cameras off. Turn the

cameras off. Turn the cameras off. Turn the cameras off.

I will destroy you right there.

us anymore.

Worst hen do ever.

Next time I'm booking a hotel.

Airbnb. More like scare he and she.

No, but seriously, all of our friends are dead.

Okay, look, I know I'm late, but before you start, it's not my fault.

Oh my God, you wouldn't believe what's happened to us, Grace. Oh my God,

literally the same for me.

I know I'm late again, but in my defense, I didn't know about the tube

My period pain is insane.

When I was almost here, I had to go back in an Uber because I had to take my

hair straighters off.

We've had the worst night of our lives.

Oh, my God, are you guys mad at me?

Anyway, guys, I feel really attacked.

We've literally been attacked.

Oh, my God, I see.

Oh, you invited Katie.

Do you know we're not speaking?

She's true!

OK, yeah, that is sad, but she literally touched my boyfriend's knee at Mighty

Hoopla, and then she was, like, really coy with me over text.

I don't need a lot to say about me being late because she was dead.

It honestly never came up.

Oh, wow. OK, so, like, no -one even noticed I wasn't here?

Well, I guess it wasn't a surprise because you are always late.

Do you know what was a surprise?

jumping out of the cupboard.

OK, here we go. I literally knew you were mad.

Yeah, of course we're mad!

Look at the ADHD risk. It's just CBA.

It is not my fault. I have always been a late girl.

My mum had to be induced.

If you're going to be late, just say you're going to be late.

We literally have you on Find My Friend. We know your ass is at creams.

I...

like she was being pulled up on stage by Justin Bieber to be his one less lonely

girl.

God, that's funny.

We wish you weren't late, girl.

You are good crack. I know it too. Look, guys, if I'm being honest, I was late

because I was literally seeing 824 as the drama.

I got Tracy's blood in my mouth.

Meanwhile, you were at Cineworld Islington, nursing a tango ice blast.

You don't need to see the drama, girl.

You are the drama!

I just feel like every time we hang out, I'm being told off for something.

For being late!

Right,

sorry to chip in.

Who are you and why are you getting involved?

I was waiting to gain the strength to jump out and kill you, but I actually

can't sit here and listen to any more of you.

You were late.

Take some accountability.

Sing your praise for the day he's made. The London, the siege of the world he

gave. For killing the twat who stood to gain. From saying his name we must

refrain.

We kill it in Cavalonero. Epstein didn't kill himself.

Red sky at night. Shepherds delight.

Epstein did not kill.

Walkie -talkie.