Original subtitles

[???]

Yeah? Yeah?

You wanna call your mommy?

I got her on speed dial!

[LAUGHING]

GWEN: Are you still there?

Hello?

Stop being a baby! Just kiss it.

Did you get it?

Michael! Come on. Michael! Michael! Mi- Ah, screw it.

[BEER SPRITZES]

[EXHALING]

[???]

GAVIN: Move this table against the wall

and get some flow going. Table stays where it is.

I'm driving this party. I have the keys. I make decisions.

Who made you the designated driver? This is our party.

No, see, you used to throw a decent banger,

but now you're with Stacey.

And you're like a flabby heavyweight champion.

You lost the eye of the tiger. I still have knockout power.

Only singles can throw great parties.

With couples, there's much drama.

You can't get the fun ball in the party palace.

You're Stacey'd out.

It's over for you. All right.

You know what? Nothing's over.

Give me the keys. I guarantee our street

will be a river of panties and puke.

I don't think your body can back it up.

Wanna bet? How about a "protect yourself"?

Oh, you wanna bet a "protect yourself"?

All right, you're on, and you're a dead man.

Keys are yours.

[???]

I will sit next to Gwen.

She hasn't had a date in years. She may need reassurance.

Who needs reassurance? We've got booze.

Me setting her up is a big responsibility.

She needs support.

We have to say, "Just because you're not pretty

doesn't mean you can't get a man."

You're right.

I'll just be a distraction.

How about I go down to the kids' party

where I do shots while people chant my name?

Nice try. And keep this date a secret.

Gwen doesn't want Brian or Stacey to know

that she's out there yet. Relax.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Gwen is a mature, confident woman.

[???]

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

You're like a lazy eye.

So tonight we meet tier two.

That might make sense in that cute peanut head,

but I'm lost.

Gavin's second level of Brooklyn friends

will be at his party talking about premium cable shows

and gluten. You're making it sound bad.

It's gonna rule. Me and my wingwoman

diaphragm deep in sweet alcohol I've been brewing up in my tub.

We'll play the game.

Okay. Every time we see a hipster with a beard

talking about local meats, we do a shot.

We're gonna be plastered by 9. Game on.

Girls, is Betty lower than Veronica?

Usually Uncle Brian weighs in,

but he's at the spy museum in Washington

and he's only communicating in code.

Honest, you are listing a little to the left,

like a Bolivian freighter half full of bananas.

Why are you on edge about this?

You're just having dinner with Gavin's parents.

Uh... I never know which one is the fish fork. Heh.

[???]

Ah, kegs, huh? Mm-hm.

That's pretty amateur.

This is a small-batch IPA, so delicious,

your bladder will ache with sadness when you pee it out.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hey, right over there.

Hey, Gav, how's it going? Not bad.

This your idea of throwing down?

My sister's the DJ? She doesn't know the newness.

I'm on the tip, man.

Give me my keys back. Mm-mm.

I'm gonna get the speakers, Archie.

Okay.

What did she just call you? My name.

Our deal was you were gonna stop going by Archie. You're Ruth.

You already have a nickname, which is Rudy.

You cannot add another one, especially one

that's already mine. Shut up, Archie.

Wait, why am I talking to myself?

I mean, shut up, Christopher Archuletta.

Every bone in my body is begging my brain

to tell my muscles to attack right now. But I won't.

Because I'm better than that.

But when Mommy dies, it's over.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hiya! Hey!

Hey. Hi.

Hey. How's it going?

Good. Hi, guys.

Look at all the beards. It's like we're in Cuba.

I gotta get this concoction on ice.

It's a volatile compound. I don't want it to blow.

You fillies look great.

Well, we brushed our manes and tails.

I'm telling you, Gwen. He's gonna fall in love with you.

Who's gonna love you?

Uh, me.

Me's gonna love you. Not even gonna. Me.

Me already love you. Heh.

Me smell burnt toast.

Got to go.

What's going on? Heh. Nothing.

That was your something nothing.

No. It's just... They have a guy they want me to meet.

It's no biggie.

You have a date?

Why didn't you tell me that?

It's private. I'm the mother,

I don't have to tell you everything.

Ah, there you are. Let's go.

We are all set for the bridge tournament.

I think you're really gonna like your cards, Gwen.

Ah, she knows, huh?

Okay, well, he's here.

Better come upstairs.

We'll talk about this later.

Any other secrets you wanna reveal before your date?

Were you a Soviet sleeper agent?

Did I have a twin you absorbed at birth?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Place looks good, huh?

Who's the god of thunder? I am.

Korean tacos? Are you serious? That's so 2011.

Where's the Cambodian quesadilla guy?

Oh, okay.

Place looks nice.

But tacos?

Hope you got extra TP.

That's what I told him.

What's that? It's a jar of Dillsburg Dew.

Want a nip?

[GRUNTS]

Yeah. God.

Will make you go blind, but wash your hands

before touching your genitals.

Speaking of that, I know we have an arrangement,

but I'm working a lot of lady angles tonight.

So I doubt that you and I are gonna be happening,

unless I completely strike out.

So, um, hang tight.

Do you know how easily I could make you cry

with my fists or my mouth?

Stace! Stace! Come meet Lisa and Steve.

Oh, cute bag. My mom made it.

She apparently can do whatever she wants.

Who needs a drink? I sure do.

That's good punch.

You okay? Yeah. I'm the best around.

I- You know, don't worry about me.

I'm not worrying about anything. I'm here to have fun.

So do you wanna do shots?

Uh, no, I'm good.

Mm.

This whole taco thing is totally played out.

But they're free, I'm hungry, I'm gonna have 1000.

Then I am gonna have 1001.

Heh. Little girl, my insides are bigger than your outsides.

I could outchew you and your entire family.

You are all talk.

I'm all teeth. This is a party.

I came to party, so let's party. It's taco time.

I'm gonna need hot towel, cold towel

and the biggest bucket in Brooklyn.

Is she acting really weird,

or is this just how country girls party?

Bit of both. Something's definitely eating at her,

but sometimes it's just better to let her eat something else.

Theo is an accountant. He lives on our block.

Ahem. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

Great shoes. Oh, thanks.

They're prescription. I had scoliosis.

You press on my clavicle, you can hear my hips pop.

Kids in school used to call me bubble wrap.

Heh. Well, I think we all had funny nicknames

when we were in high school, didn't we?

They used to call me three-finger Pam.

[LAUGHS]

I started the bowling club.

I, uh, should probably go to Gavin's,

tell those kids to quiet down.

Oh, you stay right here, sweetheart.

Gwen, would you please join me in the kitchen?

Mm. Mm.

I really can't stay long.

I'm taping White Collar.

NESSA: Don't let him sweat you. Don't let him. You got this.

[MAN WHOOPING] WOMAN [CHANTING]: Go! Go! Go!

She keeps putting things in her mouth, like a paper shredder.

NESSA: You got this. You got this. You got this.

Sweetie, let's try something

a little different out there. I'm blowing it,

and he's kind of cute. What do I do?

No, you're a very interesting lady.

You like to make candles. You love to cook.

Just stick with those two for right now.

Okay. Laugh at everything he says.

Boys like that. Okay. [CHUCKLES]

Try putting your finger in your mouth like this.

Yeah, that's sexy. I already forgot his name.

We're just staring at each other. Get out here.

Okay.

Okay.

MAN 1: Yeah! Come on!

Bite, chew, swallow.

Yes. That is what we do, Stace.

MAN 2: Ha-ha-ha. Whoo! MAN 3: Come on, come on.

I'm done. It's over.

[ALL CHEERING]

Yeah!

I say this with respect, you're a filthy animal.

Who's the little girl now, little girl?

Anyone else want a piece of me?

Who's feeling froggy? Okay. You're coming with me.

Um, are you okay, or are you having

a brain aneurysm? I was in the Boy Scouts,

and I know a little first aid. No. I am good. It's nothing.

I'm having fun. You know what else would be fun?

We light something on fire.

We're getting out of here.

Keep her away from matches. I'll be right back.

What's up? Nothing. You wanna leg-wrestle?

Uh, did you snort an energy drink?

Technically speaking, capicola is a cured meat,

not a sausage.

Beard, hipster talk, shot.

[PLINKS]

Look. I know you. I know you don't like talking about things,

but obviously something is going on.

And even though I would rather gargle hot thumbtacks

than be stuck here with Archie,

I think you should go with Gavin.

I will be all right.

Your girlfriend may be a cyborg.

She's dealing with stuff. I'm gonna take her for a walk.

You're doing the right thing. That said, I told you,

couples and parties don't mix. Give me the keys back.

Whoa, whoa. Where you going? A bet's a bet.

I gotta leave, dude.

And I gotta unleash hell.

Protect yourself.

[GRUNTS] [LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

And that's why the French use baby wipes.

[LAUGHS]

Gwen, how as your day? Oh.

I found the cutest bird in the attic.

Mm. Must've been dead a month.

How did we get so low on ice?

I'm just gonna pop downstairs and get some.

You have to try Gwen's rhubarb pie.

I do like rhubarb.

I made it from scratch.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Yo! Dude, would you bring a baby to Ozzfest?

This party's dangerous and edgy with a lot of sharp corners.

Nothing's been baby-proofed. And you, this party's in a coma.

It's time to give it a kiss of life.

All right.

You guys ready for the "new" new?

Hit it, Rudy.

Play.

Take it off shuffle first.

Do it, come on.

? I will bring your... ?

Whoa, man!

Oh, ho, that's the jam.

Am I right? Yeah, come on. Don't be afraid to dance.

Come on.

Stop jiggling on me.

Come on. If everyone sees us dancing,

they'll start joining in. You know I got those moves.

Come on, I'll pay you 20 bucks. I don't dance for money.

Not anymore. Once the Russians flooded the market,

corn-fed country girl didn't have a chance.

What about 40? Done.

Okay, but I wanna see some pro-style booty shaking.

That's the only style my booty shakes.

? I will feed your fanta- ?

So you wanna tell me what's going on?

It's nothing. Nothing?

You've been acting like Captain Crazypants all night.

I was having fun.

Look. It's obviously something,

so why don't you just tell me what it is?

If you don't tell me, I... I don't know.

I don't know what I'll do. I...

I will eat this worm.

No, you won't.

I will eat this slimy,

dirt-covered city worm if you don't tell me

what's bothering you. I'm not bluffing. Oh, God.

No! Oh! My mom is on a date for the first time in eight years,

and it's freaking me out.

[COUGHS]

That sucks.

I just wish you said it before I ate bait.

[COUGHS]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

If you boil the head long enough,

the meat slides right off the skull.

Wow. You learned a lot at bible camp.

Pam, is there a restroom around here?

Yeah. Right, um...

New plan. Don't talk about yourself.

Talk about him. I don't know anything about him.

Search him. Theo Lamonaco.

Lamonaco.

Lamonaco.

[GASPS]

[DOOR OPENS]

You're all out of...

[SIGHS]

Crap.

You searched me, didn't you?

[???]

Look, before you rush to judgment,

I'm only technically a registered sex offender.

What about legally? Well, that too.

I've already rushed to judgment.

I peed in a school zone.

It was late at night. There were no kids there.

Well, when you've got to go...

Oh, for God- You always take the other side.

It's not like he whizzed on a third grader.

You didn't, did you?

This is gonna follow me forever.

I'm dizzy. Is it hot in here?

Yes. Oh, boy. You know, I'm gonna get you downstairs.

You know, get some fresh air.

Any chance that worm is still alive

in my stomach? Because I didn't chew.

And I don't wanna get into an Alien situation.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

My dad would have liked you.

Really?

He was a big fisherman.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Just crazy idea.

What do you say...? I've never fished in my entire life,

but I've always wanted to. How do you turn this thing on?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So we're on tonight? Say what?

I mean, we both felt it on the dance floor.

I'll cut to the chase. Yes, Nessa, there is a Santa Claus

and his name is Archie. What are you talking about?

Tonight it's gonna be you and me. You won.

Uh, no, it's not. I'm flying solo.

Tonight, it's gonna be you and you.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't be within 50 yards

of school-age children. No, no.

That baby is just a baby. You don't know.

I mean, it could be like Doogie Howser.

It looked pretty smart. Would you relax?

Where's the booze?

No. No, no, no.

You're way too old to be here right now.

This party is barely hanging on.

Please. I'm the coolest guy here.

Now, set me and my boy up with some shots.

Let's get the Michael chants going.

[GROANS]

He doesn't even like me,

and he's a sex offender.

How low can you get? Okay, don't beat yourself up.

Sex offenders are into weird things,

like stuffed animals and cellophane.

He wasn't even a real possibility.

We do live near a playground.

Just think of him as flirting practice.

Remember, you are the catch here.

He can't even vote.

Well, I can.

And I vote we go downstairs.

So your mom is on a date, huh? Yeah.

Since my dad died, it's just been the two of us,

and usually when I'm upset, I talk to her.

But now she's the one making me upset, so...

Well, that's okay because now you have me.

Yes. I do.

[REEL WHIRRING] Whoa.

Oh. I got something.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my-

Huh. My first catch ever is an old boot.

[CHUCKLES] [GRUNTS]

Gotcha. [CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Heh. Hey, sorry. Can't have you here.

The average age is already 47,

if the baby leaves it'll be 60. Back off. I own the place.

Argh. Tonight's a total bust.

I thought I was a swinging bachelor,

but I guess I'm just a single loser.

Oh, that's not true, Archie.

Don't sugarcoat it. It's a fact.

Besides, every great party

needs at least that one shining moment

to be remembered forever, and this one's got nothing.

? Clear cups, red cups The same thing ?

You're throwing a real banger, bro.

Lots of weirdos and seniors.

Shut up, Rudy. Your tunes are weak.

You murdered the vibe. "You murdered the vibe."

Stop it. Stop it.

BOTH: This is what you're gonna do?

You are really doing this right now. Oh, my God.

I can't- I'm gonna murder you.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Admit it. This is much more fun than upstairs.

Hi. Hi.

I was just washing my hands.

I wasn't checking out the baby or anything like that.

Oh, I didn't think anything.

Look, I'm sorry about this whole thing.

I'm surprised you're even talking to me.

No, I- I can't- Come here.

Listen, it's okay.

Bad things happen.

My husband got murdered by a train.

Gosh.

You're so nice to be so nice.

It's so nice of you to say how nice it is for me to be nice.

Listen, it's been a while since I've done this,

so can we just kind of practice a little bit?

Oh, hey, I've been practicing by myself forever, so...

Well, practice makes perfect.

Well, then that would make me a master.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm a monster.

No. No, it's just- I'm out of control.

It's been a while. But I still remember what I like.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah. It's just like riding a bike.

[???]

[GRUNTS]

Michael! Mi- Ah, screw it.

? I watch the stars all falling Into darkest black ?

[GASPS]

Renounce it. Renounce my name. Who is the real Archie?

Renounce it. I renounce. I renounce.

Nothing! [GRUNTS]

Things here have changed.

You work your thing out? Yep. All goodness.

I'm gonna put the catch of the day in its place of honor.

Maybe turn it around?

What the hell is that?

That's a foot! Aah!

That's a foot! Aah!

[CROWD SCREAMING] [BABY CRYING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHUCKLES] ARCHIE: Come on.

Aah! Mom! PAM: Oh, my-

NESSA: Gwen. Oh, my stars.

Oh, honey, it's okay.

I don't even like him.

He's a sex offender. What?

It was a misunderstanding.

Is that a foot? Yeah. We got to call the police.

No cops! I got a curfew.

Yes! One shining moment.

This party's gonna be remembered forever!

Whoo!

[???]

Are you all right, Pumpkin? Yeah.

Honestly, I'm happy for you, Mom.

I'm just sad for my eyes.

I'm sorry you saw that.

But I am gonna start dating boys again.

I just think I'm ready.

Okay.

Interesting night, huh?

Is everything okay here?

Yeah, it's fine.

I'm really sorry, guys.

I'll flip your mattress. Don't worry about it.

I've seen worse in a petting zoo.

And thanks to your shenanigans and this handsome couple's foot,

this party's in the Brooklyn Hall of Fame.

[MAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

Best of all,

I think we solved a cold case.

Coast clear? I gotta get home

and wiggle back into my ankle bracelet.

Call me.

Will do.

I won't.

Probably.

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