Original subtitles

[???]

"Dr. Carlos Flamingo"?

Si. Se�or.

Here's what's gonna happen:

You are gonna fill this bag with poop.

And then you're going to spend the night with us.

Where is she?

[RAZOR BUZZING]

I like hard alcohol and dangerous men.

I miss you so much.

Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo! Yeah!

You only have cereal and sugar packets.

What happens if you wanna eat something?

We order in, or we eat super sweet cereal.

[ARCHIE GROANS]

Do you have any idea how close I just came to dying?

You're always close. You got to chew before you swallow.

I just stepped on this lady blade in the shower.

What the hell? Stacey's crap is all over this apartment

like gypsy moths on a gypsy.

Look at this hair.

It's long. It's soft, smells like nectarines.

Not mine. Not yours. Yours is short and smells like cinnamon.

I am here. If you have something to say,

you can say it to my face.

Okay. Hair, bobby pins, flat iron,

scrunchie- Scrunchie?

You are encroaching on my territory.

I hear, "Blah, blah. Somebody wants to get beat up by a girl."

You think you're gonna be the first girl to beat me up?

Get in line, sister. Hey, okay, okay.

How about we split some orange juice three ways and make nice?

Okay, uh, why don't we paint the walls pink

and have a cupcake party?

Have fun loving each other.

I'm gonna go to my room and love myself.

Archie-

[???]

Oh, Marmaduke, you are a bad, bad dog.

[KNOCKING] I'll get it.

Probably those snowshoes I ordered.

Trick or treat.

[YELLS]

Oh, no, no.

[SHUSHING]

You!

Get off of him!

He has ceramic screws in his neck!

Hey, Dad.

Get off him!

ED: Come on!

I'm listening to The Smiths.

Diving in deep to the very core of myself.

It was just getting to the sad part!

Did you calm down yet?

See the length of that hair?

It's like you're dating a thoroughbred.

She's turning our apartment into a horse house.

A barn? We've always been the two Musketeers.

How the hell are we gonna have three of them?

Hey. It's still just you and me, dude.

Yeah, it's all good.

You have two toothbrushes, and I'm flossing alone.

Who would've thought you would find love first?

Probably everyone.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Nessa, what's up?

What kind of knife is best for cutting through bone?

My dad's back.

I didn't know he was allowed in the country.

Should I come home?

Nah. I'll call you

if I start feeling too stabby.

What's up with you?

I might want one of those knives.

Archie is all up in my grill.

Ugh, he's just gristle and eyebrows.

But you're stuck with him.

Guys and their best friends, that's deep bond,

like babies and nipples.

I've never loved anyone.

I mean, I "like," liked Lucy, but that never went anywhere.

Mostly 'cause her dad was always around.

Right, because she's 18 years old.

Look, I know what you need. Two words.

Banana split. Road trip.

Road trip. That's a good idea.

We're going, all right.

I know exactly where we're going too.

College! Atlantic City!

College? Yup.

Fine, let's do it.

[LAUGHS] All right. Whoa.

Bring it in. Chest to chest.

Come on.

Mm!

Archie is sure acting like a baby.

Can you blame him? He looks like little orphan Annie

gone horribly wrong. His best friend's an all-American

who's in love with Miss Perky Turkeys.

It's a miracle he hasn't ice picked you.

Whoo! I got to go. Let me know what happens with Ed.

Bitches and money.

Oh, now he's in a good mood. What happened?

Road trip, that's what happened. So suck a duck and good luck.

Come on, Stace, we're all going for a drive.

Oh, she's coming? Yeah, of course.

Road trips are for guys, man.

Have you not seen the movie Road Trip?

Yeah. I saw it, on a road trip.

Archie, shut the mouth. Stacey, you're coming.

Fine. Fine.

Shotgun.

Damn it! Are you seeing this?

I'm not giving you a kidney or lending you any money.

Why are you here?

I don't need money,

I make and distribute my own line of plum brandy,

so thanks, I'm doing just fine.

Yeah, no one's impressed.

In eastern Europe, men worship me like a God,

and women clean me like a cat. And in one town,

where they pray to a cat God,

let's just say I'm extremely popular.

What do you want? I'm here to get the car I left.

Your precious car. Should have guessed.

And you didn't leave it, you abandoned it.

Just like your daughter.

You've got some pair of marbles, mister.

Actually, Gwen, he just has the one.

Does the work of three though.

Now, about my car?

Fix it, take it, and beat it.

Please Ed, it's fried chicken night.

We don't want any more ruckus.

Sorry I crushed your larynx,

but you don't rush a bull wearing red pajamas.

Yeah, well, joke's on you, 'cause my neck

is covered in poison ivy, so who's laughing now?

[LAUGHS, COUGHS]

[???]

[SIGHS]

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. How about that canned ham?

I can see Gwen liking a sweet bit of meat like that.

Hey, buddy? You missed some.

Excuse me? There's a remnant.

You can't be bothered to do a double grab?

What are you, the turd police?

No.

That's as clean as it's gonna be.

It's probably better than a lot of people do on themselves.

Okay, come on, Angela.

Forget him, he's out.

No kidding. We got to find somebody for Gwen.

She hasn't been on a date since her husband died.

Got to get her back in the rink before her ice melts.

Uh-huh. GAVIN: Hey.

We're gonna take the car for a few hours, Dad.

Road trip to school. Nice.

Going back to the old college?

Nope. We're going to Lucy's college.

Who? Wait, what?

I'm gonna go find Lucy

and tell her how I feel.

GAVIN: I don't think- Road trip!

Whoo! No, no, no. Hang on a second!

GAVIN: Got to say, this is a pretty dumb idea.

I don't know, even though I was

about to punch him, I think it's sort of cute.

Don't encourage him. You need to find someone new,

preferably someone who doesn't wear braces.

It's a retainer, okay? And you be quiet.

You, keep talking.

Well, you're being romantic in your own, weird furry way.

I used to think you were just pretty,

but now I can see the brains behind the blues.

I hope you have a lot of video memory in your phone

because this is going to be a beautiful disaster.

You should probably shoot it in sepia

to make it feel old-fashioned.

We don't know that. I'm trying to be friends.

I feel like Archie doesn't like me.

Then buy him a puppy. Don't buy him a puppy,

but this is ending nowhere but jail or the morgue.

And possibly the jail morgue.

It's gonna be fine. I have a good feeling.

Nice signs. What are you guys doing?

We are protesting the massive carbon footprint

left by the fashion industry.

Your clothes are literally killing the planet.

Huh. I wasn't aware. Thanks. Good luck!

[CHANTING] Pants are murder! Pants are murder!

Um, Archie, what's up?

I started asking about Lucy, but no one would talk to me

'cause I'm a shirt Nazi, so I'm blending in.

I'm gonna stick with my initial assessment. This is idiotic.

How do I know Lucy's at the Day Tripper party

at Sigma Theta Zeta?

Yeah. Let's go.

Hey, keep fighting the good fight, guys.

NESSA: I don't know what my dad thinks he's doing to that car.

That's not even a metric socket wrench.

I don't trust him as far as he can throw me.

That's a bad example. He's strong as an ox.

He could probably throw me to Harrisburg.

I don't trust him. [PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE BEEPS]

Hello? PAM [ON PHONE]: Hi, it's Pam.

How much bald can you handle?

All the bald you got.

I can work with that.

Thanks, Pam.

You're a wonderful friend and the best pimp ever.

[LAUGHS] See you later. Bye.

He's up to something. I can't calculate

the number of times he's conned me,

mostly 'cause he conned me out of my calculator.

This is ridiculous.

Hey.

What the hell is taking so long?

Fix this pile of junk. Get out of here.

Show some respect for the site of your conception.

Oh, God. You and Mom did it in this thing?

Not exactly. She liked to get freaky on the hood.

Oh, White Snake style, classy.

All I need is a muffler, then I'm a ghost.

I noticed one of your neighbors had a similar ride.

Introduce me. Maybe they can tell me where to buy one.

Whatever gets you gone faster.

[???]

Why don't you ask her where she gets her auto parts?

I'm gonna run take a whiz. But-

Hi.

Can I help you? My father was wondering where-

Son of a bitch! Excuse me?

I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, I have

seasonal Tourette's. Can I have a glass of water

to take my pills? Of course.

Sneaky rat turd. What?

I'm so sorry. Always happens this time of year.

Can I get that water, please?

[CELL PHONE RINGS] Sure.

Hey. Hey. How's it going with your dad?

Oh, same old, helping him rob someone.

Douche nugget! Fart ball!

He's got you doing the Tourette's scam?

He's a piece of crap. Sometimes you get used to the smell.

All good with you? Yeah. Things have shifted.

I'm helping Archie find love.

Gavin's trying to snap him out of it.

It's like we're parents, and we can't agree

on how to raise our kid.

I say spank them hard and hug 'em harder.

But then again, what the heck do I know about parents?

[DOOR OPENS]

Here.

Snot bucket.

GAVIN: Dude, I love college,

but are you sure you don't wanna go to "A" City?

Blackjack, free buffets. All the gravy you can drink.

I'm on a romantic quest, bro. Embrace that.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but why can't you be more like Stacey?

Is this the same Stacey with the flat iron

you were about to fist fight an hour ago?

She's starting to win me over with her upbeat personality.

Hold up. Lucy!

Damn. It's a dude.

It's a good looking dude, but a dude nonetheless.

Too pale. Unreasonably pale.

[CAMERA CLICKING]

Oh, look, could have been an ugly woman once.

Oh. Check this out. Capri pants? I don't think so.

Maybe we're being too picky.

When I try to picture her ideal man,

all I come up with is Bill Clinton in overalls.

Text her some photos. Let her decide.

Maybe she likes 'em weird.

Oh, New York certainly is a melting pot.

All these men look like international war criminals.

Hey, I have the same capri pants.

You have got to stop anger-washing, Brian.

You're gonna sponge a hole through the tea kettle.

Remember when Ed left town when Nessa was 12?

That poor kid. She had to go through

her first menstruation all alone with only me to guide her.

I still don't understand why you didn't come get me.

You were busy with that jigsaw puzzle.

I want to kick Ed's butt so bad.

If only the Lord hadn't cursed me with the tiny hands

and delicate wrists of an Elizabethan duchess.

Admit it. That was a lot more fun

than going to an auto supply store.

Well, at least I got some water out of it.

Nessa, go see Gwen.

I apologize for using my outside voice

as we are semi-inside, but Ed,

it's time for a man-to-man talk.

[IN UNISON] When's the other man getting here?

I'm the other man.

NESSA: Yeah, yeah.

Ed, you cannot come back here

and break Nessa's heart again.

Now you can beat me until I leak hot lava,

but I won't allow it. Relax. I'm here for the car.

And to apologize.

I accept your apology. To Nessa.

I had this moment of clarity in Bratislava.

I realized that I'm a bad father

and that I shouldn't drink lighter fluid.

I wanna be a part of her life someday,

but now, I'm here to say I'm sorry.

I accept your apology. Well, well,

looks like our relationship has reversed.

Now you're the one suffering, and I've got everything.

Guess so.

I want to recalibrate this timing mechanism.

If only I had a decent stopwatch.

Oh, hey, use this.

It's my Swiss beauty.

[CHUCKLES]

Everyone here looks so young, they're never gonna let us in.

Good. I mean, as much as I would like to show

Stacey my keg stand technique, I think the best move now

would be to go get some pancakes.

I got this. I've never been turned away from a party.

[SIGHS] Can we get in?

I plan on going topless. These guys hold my top.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Very nice.

Okay, I hereby offer a temporary truce on our hostilities.

Accepted. Now, let's go look for Lucy.

It's like we're in a fairy tale.

[SLURRING] A little help? I've got 80 ounces of beer in me

trying to get out. Ha!

I don't remember Prince Charming peeing himself.

STACEY: Oh!

All good. Figured it out.

And then they all lived happily ever after.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, what happened to your eyebrow?

Never ask a dude with one eyebrow

what happened to his eyebrow.

[LAUGHS] MAN: Wanna ride the pizza luge?

Uh, yeah.

I'm only a few, uh, seven- ish years out of college.

So why not. Stace.

Quit screwing around. We're supposed to be looking for Lucy.

[SIGHS] Trust me. The best possible outcome, we never find her.

Dude! I'm sorry.

You know I'm right. Okay?

We're on a road trip. At least we can have some fun.

Luge me.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Nice, Gav.

Oh, I didn't know they could improve on pizza or beer.

Yeah! Let's go, Stace.

Wait. Come on. Hold on, guys.

Why is this so hard? We're in New York.

Where are all the attractive men?

They're all gay or married or gay-married. Hm.

Let's face it. Poop Guy is the best we're gonna do.

Yep. Hey!

Please, don't start.

You put tremendous stress on my dog,

and she feels it seven times more than us.

No, we just wanna talk to you.

Look, it's not my fault.

She got into the dumpster behind the burrito place.

[???]

That car's purring like a groupie on quaaludes.

Congrats. Now drive it back to the underworld,

so we can use the garage the way it was intended. For hoarding.

Wanna take it for a spin?

Nah. It's fried chicken night.

Gwen will eat all the skin if I'm late.

True.

Take a drive with him, Nessa.

We can wild out on wings another time.

But I already ironed the bibs.

You sure?

Yeah. Go.

Why would you send her off with him? He's wicked.

He's trying to make things right, Gwen.

We're just gonna have to learn to share her.

If she's not back in 30 minutes,

I'm calling the neighborhood watch.

I hope Doris is still awake.

Fine. Thirty minutes. Oh! Fudgsicles!

He swiped my Swiss beauty!

Excuse me, have you seen Lucy Katz?

Yeah. She's here. She's hot!

Great, thanks.

[???]

Just quickly, one more, one more time.

ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Whoo!

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

That's her? The blond one?

That's my Lucy. Grinding like an angel.

GAVIN: Great. There she is. You saw her, so let's get out of here.

No. Gotta make my move man. I'm going for it.

It's gonna be my future baby's origin story.

Arch,

stop, look at me. Look me in the eye, okay?

This has been mildly amusing. This is the moment you wake up.

You can get out with a shred of dignity.

Why are you trying to talk him out of it?

Just tell her how you feel.

Feelings win.

Oh!

Why are you smothering him? I'm not.

You see him on the weekends for fun stuff.

I get him the rest of the time for chores.

This is gonna be the best moment in Archie's life. [GROANS]

[FEEDBACK WHINES] Check. Check.

Lucy. Archie?

Came for you, girl.

What? Why? Oh, God,

I hope you're not doing a lame Katherine-Heigl-movie thing,

'cause that would be really embarrassing.

I'm way too young for you.

You have crazy hair, and you live in

your friend's parents' basement.

I was wrong. This is gonna be

the worst moment in Archie's life. Mm-hm.

So what? You're gonna tell me you love me?

Um, actually no. I made Archie come here

because he has some important news to tell you.

Uh, no, I don't. I don't have any news. Definitely-

Oh, come on, don't be shy.

You came a long way to tell her this.

Archie, well, technically, Archie and you, Lucy,

both have herpes.

[ALL EXCLAIM]

Yeah, and it's super contagious. So...

It's so true. Uh, Archie, he's extremely sexy,

and I can't help banging him myself.

So don't even worry about it.

Also, he is enormous

in the underpants department, ladies. So enjoy.

Yes, thank you. To sum up, Lucy Katz

is riddled with herpes and Archie has a big one. Peace.

[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]

[POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, just so you know, the herpes thing, totally a lie.

Underpants, that's really true. What dorm are you in?

Paging Dr. Flamingo.

Nessa, I owe you an apology.

Just one?

Let me say this:

I haven't been the best father. I've been-

The worst father? Look, I'm really sorry

about being so bad at being a dad. You deserve more.

I'm over it.

If you hadn't been such a jackhole,

I wouldn't have turned out to be such a badass.

So you accept my apology?

Sure.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Now get out. What?

You can have my forgiveness,

but I'm keeping your precious car.

You said I deserved more, so I'm taking it. Get out.

You really are a badass, aren't you?

If you're still alive at Christmas,

send me something silk.

[???]

ED: Do you sell lighter fluid?

Hm. Crispiest skin ever, Gwen.

I don't know. My tears are making it soggy and salty.

Nessie! Hey!

Gwen, Brian, sorry I'm late. Let's eat.

You might wanna bleach the band.

Look at that. My Swiss beauty.

And my Pennsylvania beauty. Thank you.

Skin me, Bri.

Set me up with that sweet, sweet chicken butt.

Absolutely.

The flavor's all in the heinie.

Yes it is, Gwen. Sure is.

Stacey, you really showed me something back there.

I'm officially extending our temporary truce

into a semi-permanent peace.

Thanks. I'm semi-honored.

MICHAEL: How'd it go with Lucy?

Total disaster. Lucy's out.

Perfect. I mean, finally. No, I mean, aw, that's too bad.

Quality road trip, guys.

Bring it in. Chest to chest to chest.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Okay, big guy.

Let's not let it linger. Things are bumping.

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