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1
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[???]
2
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"Dr. Carlos Flamingo"?
3
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Si. Se�or.
4
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Here's what's gonna happen:
5
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You are gonna fill this bag with poop.
6
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And then you're going to spend the night with us.
7
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Where is she?
8
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[RAZOR BUZZING]
9
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I like hard alcohol and dangerous men.
10
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I miss you so much.
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Yeah! Yeah!
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Whoo! Yeah!
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You only have cereal and sugar packets.
14
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What happens if you wanna eat something?
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We order in, or we eat super sweet cereal.
16
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[ARCHIE GROANS]
17
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Do you have any idea how
close I just came to dying?
18
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You're always close. You
got to chew before you swallow.
19
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I just stepped on this lady blade in the shower.
20
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What the hell? Stacey's
crap is all over this apartment
21
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like gypsy moths on a gypsy.
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Look at this hair.
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It's long. It's soft, smells like nectarines.
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Not mine. Not yours. Yours
is short and smells like cinnamon.
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I am here. If you have something to say,
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you can say it to my face.
27
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Okay. Hair, bobby pins, flat iron,
28
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scrunchie- Scrunchie?
29
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You are encroaching on my territory.
30
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I hear, "Blah, blah. Somebody
wants to get beat up by a girl."
31
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You think you're gonna be
the first girl to beat me up?
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Get in line, sister. Hey, okay, okay.
33
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How about we split some orange
juice three ways and make nice?
34
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Okay, uh, why don't we paint the walls pink
35
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and have a cupcake party?
36
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Have fun loving each other.
37
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I'm gonna go to my room and love myself.
38
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Archie-
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[???]
40
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Oh, Marmaduke, you are a bad, bad dog.
41
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[KNOCKING] I'll get it.
42
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Probably those snowshoes I ordered.
43
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Trick or treat.
44
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[YELLS]
45
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Oh, no, no.
46
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[SHUSHING]
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You!
48
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Get off of him!
49
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He has ceramic screws in his neck!
50
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Hey, Dad.
51
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Get off him!
52
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ED: Come on!
53
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I'm listening to The Smiths.
54
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Diving in deep to the very core of myself.
55
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It was just getting to the sad part!
56
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Did you calm down yet?
57
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See the length of that hair?
58
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It's like you're dating a thoroughbred.
59
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She's turning our apartment into a horse house.
60
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A barn? We've always been the two Musketeers.
61
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How the hell are we gonna have three of them?
62
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Hey. It's still just you and me, dude.
63
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Yeah, it's all good.
64
00:03:01,546 --> 00:03:04,583
You have two toothbrushes,
and I'm flossing alone.
65
00:03:04,716 --> 00:03:07,116
Who would've thought you would find love first?
66
00:03:07,185 --> 00:03:09,821
Probably everyone.
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[PHONE RINGS]
68
00:03:12,090 --> 00:03:13,558
Hey, Nessa, what's up?
69
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What kind of knife is
best for cutting through bone?
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My dad's back.
71
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I didn't know he was allowed in the country.
72
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Should I come home?
73
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Nah. I'll call you
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if I start feeling too stabby.
75
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What's up with you?
76
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I might want one of those knives.
77
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Archie is all up in my grill.
78
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Ugh, he's just gristle and eyebrows.
79
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But you're stuck with him.
80
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Guys and their best friends, that's deep bond,
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like babies and nipples.
82
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I've never loved anyone.
83
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I mean, I "like," liked Lucy,
but that never went anywhere.
84
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Mostly 'cause her dad was always around.
85
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Right, because she's 18 years old.
86
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Look, I know what you need. Two words.
87
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Banana split. Road trip.
88
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Road trip. That's a good idea.
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We're going, all right.
90
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I know exactly where we're going too.
91
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College! Atlantic City!
92
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College? Yup.
93
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Fine, let's do it.
94
00:04:04,543 --> 00:04:06,311
[LAUGHS] All right. Whoa.
95
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Bring it in. Chest to chest.
96
00:04:09,014 --> 00:04:10,115
Come on.
97
00:04:10,248 --> 00:04:11,683
Mm!
98
00:04:11,817 --> 00:04:13,752
Archie is sure acting like a baby.
99
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:16,354
Can you blame him? He
looks like little orphan Annie
100
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gone horribly wrong. His
best friend's an all-American
101
00:04:19,091 --> 00:04:20,951
who's in love with Miss Perky Turkeys.
102
00:04:20,992 --> 00:04:22,912
It's a miracle he hasn't ice picked you.
103
00:04:22,994 --> 00:04:25,997
Whoo! I got to go. Let
me know what happens with Ed.
104
00:04:26,131 --> 00:04:27,566
Bitches and money.
105
00:04:27,699 --> 00:04:29,739
Oh, now he's in a good mood. What happened?
106
00:04:29,868 --> 00:04:33,638
Road trip, that's what happened.
So suck a duck and good luck.
107
00:04:33,772 --> 00:04:35,874
Come on, Stace, we're all going for a drive.
108
00:04:36,007 --> 00:04:38,443
Oh, she's coming? Yeah, of course.
109
00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:39,957
Road trips are for guys, man.
110
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Have you not seen the movie Road Trip?
111
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Yeah. I saw it, on a road trip.
112
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Archie, shut the mouth. Stacey, you're coming.
113
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Fine. Fine.
114
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Shotgun.
115
00:04:49,454 --> 00:04:51,757
Damn it! Are you seeing this?
116
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I'm not giving you a kidney
or lending you any money.
117
00:04:54,593 --> 00:04:55,643
Why are you here?
118
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I don't need money,
119
00:04:57,095 --> 00:04:59,831
I make and distribute my own line of plum brandy,
120
00:04:59,965 --> 00:05:01,465
so thanks, I'm doing just fine.
121
00:05:01,566 --> 00:05:02,901
Yeah, no one's impressed.
122
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:05,202
In eastern Europe, men worship me like a God,
123
00:05:05,203 --> 00:05:07,873
and women clean me like a cat. And in one town,
124
00:05:08,006 --> 00:05:09,574
where they pray to a cat God,
125
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:11,610
let's just say I'm extremely popular.
126
00:05:11,743 --> 00:05:14,546
What do you want? I'm here to get the car I left.
127
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Your precious car. Should have guessed.
128
00:05:16,815 --> 00:05:19,084
And you didn't leave it, you abandoned it.
129
00:05:19,217 --> 00:05:20,919
Just like your daughter.
130
00:05:21,052 --> 00:05:23,855
You've got some pair of marbles, mister.
131
00:05:23,989 --> 00:05:25,729
Actually, Gwen, he just has the one.
132
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Does the work of three though.
133
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Now, about my car?
134
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:34,599
Fix it, take it, and beat it.
135
00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:37,002
Please Ed, it's fried chicken night.
136
00:05:37,135 --> 00:05:38,575
We don't want any more ruckus.
137
00:05:38,703 --> 00:05:41,206
Sorry I crushed your larynx,
138
00:05:41,339 --> 00:05:43,642
but you don't rush a bull wearing red pajamas.
139
00:05:43,775 --> 00:05:46,178
Yeah, well, joke's on you, 'cause my neck
140
00:05:46,311 --> 00:05:48,947
is covered in poison ivy, so who's laughing now?
141
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[LAUGHS, COUGHS]
142
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[???]
143
00:05:53,185 --> 00:05:55,086
[SIGHS]
144
00:05:55,220 --> 00:05:59,090
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. How about that canned ham?
145
00:05:59,224 --> 00:06:03,028
I can see Gwen liking
a sweet bit of meat like that.
146
00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:07,566
Hey, buddy? You missed some.
147
00:06:07,699 --> 00:06:09,568
Excuse me? There's a remnant.
148
00:06:09,701 --> 00:06:12,504
You can't be bothered to do a double grab?
149
00:06:12,637 --> 00:06:14,206
What are you, the turd police?
150
00:06:14,339 --> 00:06:15,440
No.
151
00:06:15,574 --> 00:06:17,142
That's as clean as it's gonna be.
152
00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:20,512
It's probably better than
a lot of people do on themselves.
153
00:06:20,645 --> 00:06:22,280
Okay, come on, Angela.
154
00:06:22,414 --> 00:06:23,615
Forget him, he's out.
155
00:06:23,748 --> 00:06:26,151
No kidding. We got to find somebody for Gwen.
156
00:06:26,284 --> 00:06:28,753
She hasn't been on a date since her husband died.
157
00:06:28,887 --> 00:06:31,456
Got to get her back in
the rink before her ice melts.
158
00:06:31,590 --> 00:06:33,191
Uh-huh. GAVIN: Hey.
159
00:06:33,325 --> 00:06:35,594
We're gonna take the car for a few hours, Dad.
160
00:06:35,727 --> 00:06:36,995
Road trip to school. Nice.
161
00:06:37,128 --> 00:06:38,628
Going back to the old college?
162
00:06:38,697 --> 00:06:41,700
Nope. We're going to Lucy's college.
163
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:42,867
Who? Wait, what?
164
00:06:42,868 --> 00:06:43,948
I'm gonna go find Lucy
165
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and tell her how I feel.
166
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GAVIN: I don't think- Road trip!
167
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Whoo! No, no, no. Hang on a second!
168
00:06:51,576 --> 00:06:54,112
GAVIN: Got to say, this is a pretty dumb idea.
169
00:06:54,246 --> 00:06:55,746
I don't know, even though I was
170
00:06:55,847 --> 00:06:58,007
about to punch him, I think it's sort of cute.
171
00:06:58,049 --> 00:07:00,552
Don't encourage him.
You need to find someone new,
172
00:07:00,553 --> 00:07:02,786
preferably someone who doesn't wear braces.
173
00:07:02,787 --> 00:07:05,423
It's a retainer, okay? And you be quiet.
174
00:07:05,557 --> 00:07:07,025
You, keep talking.
175
00:07:07,158 --> 00:07:10,028
Well, you're being romantic
in your own, weird furry way.
176
00:07:10,161 --> 00:07:11,961
I used to think you were just pretty,
177
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:14,799
but now I can see the brains behind the blues.
178
00:07:14,933 --> 00:07:17,333
I hope you have a lot
of video memory in your phone
179
00:07:17,369 --> 00:07:19,871
because this is going to be a beautiful disaster.
180
00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:21,865
You should probably shoot it in sepia
181
00:07:21,873 --> 00:07:23,375
to make it feel old-fashioned.
182
00:07:23,508 --> 00:07:26,478
We don't know that. I'm trying to be friends.
183
00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:28,178
I feel like Archie doesn't like me.
184
00:07:28,179 --> 00:07:30,219
Then buy him a puppy. Don't buy him a puppy,
185
00:07:30,348 --> 00:07:32,817
but this is ending nowhere
but jail or the morgue.
186
00:07:32,818 --> 00:07:34,285
And possibly the jail morgue.
187
00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:36,221
It's gonna be fine. I have a good feeling.
188
00:07:36,354 --> 00:07:38,189
Nice signs. What are you guys doing?
189
00:07:38,323 --> 00:07:41,793
We are protesting the massive carbon footprint
190
00:07:41,927 --> 00:07:43,428
left by the fashion industry.
191
00:07:43,562 --> 00:07:45,902
Your clothes are literally killing the planet.
192
00:07:45,964 --> 00:07:49,034
Huh. I wasn't aware. Thanks. Good luck!
193
00:07:49,167 --> 00:07:53,338
[CHANTING] Pants are murder! Pants are murder!
194
00:07:53,471 --> 00:07:54,973
Um, Archie, what's up?
195
00:07:55,106 --> 00:07:57,806
I started asking about Lucy,
but no one would talk to me
196
00:07:57,909 --> 00:08:00,045
'cause I'm a shirt Nazi, so I'm blending in.
197
00:08:00,178 --> 00:08:03,118
I'm gonna stick with my initial assessment.
This is idiotic.
198
00:08:03,148 --> 00:08:05,617
How do I know Lucy's at the Day Tripper party
199
00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:06,800
at Sigma Theta Zeta?
200
00:08:06,818 --> 00:08:08,253
Yeah. Let's go.
201
00:08:08,386 --> 00:08:11,790
Hey, keep fighting the good fight, guys.
202
00:08:11,923 --> 00:08:15,927
NESSA: I don't know what my
dad thinks he's doing to that car.
203
00:08:16,061 --> 00:08:17,996
That's not even a metric socket wrench.
204
00:08:18,129 --> 00:08:20,332
I don't trust him as far as he can throw me.
205
00:08:20,465 --> 00:08:22,634
That's a bad example. He's strong as an ox.
206
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,768
He could probably throw me to Harrisburg.
207
00:08:24,769 --> 00:08:26,371
I don't trust him. [PHONE RINGS]
208
00:08:26,504 --> 00:08:27,706
[PHONE BEEPS]
209
00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:29,573
Hello? PAM [ON PHONE]: Hi, it's Pam.
210
00:08:29,574 --> 00:08:30,975
How much bald can you handle?
211
00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:32,877
All the bald you got.
212
00:08:33,011 --> 00:08:34,245
I can work with that.
213
00:08:34,379 --> 00:08:35,747
Thanks, Pam.
214
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,850
You're a wonderful friend and the best pimp ever.
215
00:08:38,984 --> 00:08:41,019
[LAUGHS] See you later. Bye.
216
00:08:43,254 --> 00:08:45,190
He's up to something. I can't calculate
217
00:08:45,323 --> 00:08:47,063
the number of times he's conned me,
218
00:08:47,092 --> 00:08:49,594
mostly 'cause he conned me out of my calculator.
219
00:08:49,728 --> 00:08:51,730
This is ridiculous.
220
00:08:53,565 --> 00:08:55,700
Hey.
221
00:08:55,834 --> 00:08:57,602
What the hell is taking so long?
222
00:08:57,736 --> 00:08:59,476
Fix this pile of junk. Get out of here.
223
00:08:59,537 --> 00:09:01,997
Show some respect for
the site of your conception.
224
00:09:02,107 --> 00:09:04,275
Oh, God. You and Mom did it in this thing?
225
00:09:04,409 --> 00:09:07,178
Not exactly. She liked to get freaky on the hood.
226
00:09:07,312 --> 00:09:10,348
Oh, White Snake style, classy.
227
00:09:10,482 --> 00:09:12,484
All I need is a muffler, then I'm a ghost.
228
00:09:12,617 --> 00:09:15,120
I noticed one of your
neighbors had a similar ride.
229
00:09:15,253 --> 00:09:18,556
Introduce me. Maybe they
can tell me where to buy one.
230
00:09:18,690 --> 00:09:20,592
Whatever gets you gone faster.
231
00:09:20,725 --> 00:09:22,227
[???]
232
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,096
Why don't you ask her
where she gets her auto parts?
233
00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:27,699
I'm gonna run take a whiz. But-
234
00:09:29,734 --> 00:09:31,369
Hi.
235
00:09:31,503 --> 00:09:34,639
Can I help you? My father was wondering where-
236
00:09:34,773 --> 00:09:36,541
Son of a bitch! Excuse me?
237
00:09:36,675 --> 00:09:39,144
I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, I have
238
00:09:39,277 --> 00:09:41,646
seasonal Tourette's. Can I have a glass of water
239
00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:43,982
to take my pills? Of course.
240
00:09:44,115 --> 00:09:46,351
Sneaky rat turd. What?
241
00:09:46,484 --> 00:09:49,087
I'm so sorry. Always happens this time of year.
242
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:50,922
Can I get that water, please?
243
00:09:51,056 --> 00:09:53,925
[CELL PHONE RINGS] Sure.
244
00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:56,795
Hey. Hey. How's it going with your dad?
245
00:09:56,928 --> 00:09:59,097
Oh, same old, helping him rob someone.
246
00:09:59,230 --> 00:10:01,833
Douche nugget! Fart ball!
247
00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:03,701
He's got you doing the Tourette's scam?
248
00:10:03,702 --> 00:10:06,471
He's a piece of crap. Sometimes
you get used to the smell.
249
00:10:06,604 --> 00:10:08,840
All good with you? Yeah. Things have shifted.
250
00:10:08,973 --> 00:10:10,413
I'm helping Archie find love.
251
00:10:10,414 --> 00:10:12,076
Gavin's trying to snap him out of it.
252
00:10:12,077 --> 00:10:14,111
It's like we're parents, and we can't agree
253
00:10:14,112 --> 00:10:15,413
on how to raise our kid.
254
00:10:15,547 --> 00:10:18,249
I say spank them hard and hug 'em harder.
255
00:10:18,383 --> 00:10:21,853
But then again, what the
heck do I know about parents?
256
00:10:21,986 --> 00:10:24,155
[DOOR OPENS]
257
00:10:24,289 --> 00:10:25,824
Here.
258
00:10:25,957 --> 00:10:28,526
Snot bucket.
259
00:10:28,660 --> 00:10:30,195
GAVIN: Dude, I love college,
260
00:10:30,328 --> 00:10:32,608
but are you sure you don't wanna go to "A" City?
261
00:10:32,609 --> 00:10:34,932
Blackjack, free buffets.
All the gravy you can drink.
262
00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:38,269
I'm on a romantic quest, bro. Embrace that.
263
00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:40,023
I can't believe I'm saying this,
264
00:10:40,105 --> 00:10:41,965
but why can't you be more like Stacey?
265
00:10:42,006 --> 00:10:44,046
Is this the same Stacey with the flat iron
266
00:10:44,075 --> 00:10:46,055
you were about to fist fight an hour ago?
267
00:10:46,111 --> 00:10:48,991
She's starting to win me
over with her upbeat personality.
268
00:10:49,047 --> 00:10:50,582
Hold up. Lucy!
269
00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:52,050
Damn. It's a dude.
270
00:10:52,183 --> 00:10:56,154
It's a good looking dude, but a dude nonetheless.
271
00:10:57,555 --> 00:10:59,758
Too pale. Unreasonably pale.
272
00:10:59,891 --> 00:11:01,126
[CAMERA CLICKING]
273
00:11:01,259 --> 00:11:03,495
Oh, look, could have been an ugly woman once.
274
00:11:03,628 --> 00:11:08,466
Oh. Check this out. Capri
pants? I don't think so.
275
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:09,980
Maybe we're being too picky.
276
00:11:10,068 --> 00:11:12,337
When I try to picture her ideal man,
277
00:11:12,470 --> 00:11:14,906
all I come up with is Bill Clinton in overalls.
278
00:11:15,039 --> 00:11:17,108
Text her some photos. Let her decide.
279
00:11:17,242 --> 00:11:18,510
Maybe she likes 'em weird.
280
00:11:18,643 --> 00:11:22,680
Oh, New York certainly is a melting pot.
281
00:11:22,814 --> 00:11:26,317
All these men look like
international war criminals.
282
00:11:26,451 --> 00:11:29,387
Hey, I have the same capri pants.
283
00:11:29,521 --> 00:11:32,423
You have got to stop anger-washing, Brian.
284
00:11:32,557 --> 00:11:35,017
You're gonna sponge a
hole through the tea kettle.
285
00:11:35,126 --> 00:11:37,862
Remember when Ed left town when Nessa was 12?
286
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,630
That poor kid. She had to go through
287
00:11:39,631 --> 00:11:42,511
her first menstruation all
alone with only me to guide her.
288
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,203
I still don't understand
why you didn't come get me.
289
00:11:45,336 --> 00:11:47,205
You were busy with that jigsaw puzzle.
290
00:11:47,338 --> 00:11:50,074
I want to kick Ed's butt so bad.
291
00:11:50,208 --> 00:11:52,911
If only the Lord hadn't
cursed me with the tiny hands
292
00:11:53,044 --> 00:11:56,848
and delicate wrists of an Elizabethan duchess.
293
00:11:58,983 --> 00:12:01,152
Admit it. That was a lot more fun
294
00:12:01,286 --> 00:12:03,488
than going to an auto supply store.
295
00:12:03,621 --> 00:12:06,691
Well, at least I got some water out of it.
296
00:12:06,825 --> 00:12:08,993
Nessa, go see Gwen.
297
00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:11,047
I apologize for using my outside voice
298
00:12:11,162 --> 00:12:13,965
as we are semi-inside, but Ed,
299
00:12:14,098 --> 00:12:15,658
it's time for a man-to-man talk.
300
00:12:15,733 --> 00:12:18,937
[IN UNISON] When's the other man getting here?
301
00:12:19,070 --> 00:12:20,738
I'm the other man.
302
00:12:20,872 --> 00:12:22,140
NESSA: Yeah, yeah.
303
00:12:22,273 --> 00:12:24,142
Ed, you cannot come back here
304
00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:25,676
and break Nessa's heart again.
305
00:12:25,677 --> 00:12:28,246
Now you can beat me until I leak hot lava,
306
00:12:28,379 --> 00:12:32,083
but I won't allow it.
Relax. I'm here for the car.
307
00:12:32,217 --> 00:12:34,185
And to apologize.
308
00:12:34,319 --> 00:12:36,287
I accept your apology. To Nessa.
309
00:12:36,421 --> 00:12:39,257
I had this moment of clarity in Bratislava.
310
00:12:39,390 --> 00:12:41,893
I realized that I'm a bad father
311
00:12:42,026 --> 00:12:44,495
and that I shouldn't drink lighter fluid.
312
00:12:44,629 --> 00:12:46,429
I wanna be a part of her life someday,
313
00:12:46,531 --> 00:12:48,166
but now, I'm here to say I'm sorry.
314
00:12:48,299 --> 00:12:51,369
I accept your apology. Well, well,
315
00:12:51,502 --> 00:12:54,372
looks like our relationship has reversed.
316
00:12:54,505 --> 00:12:58,409
Now you're the one suffering,
and I've got everything.
317
00:12:58,543 --> 00:13:00,678
Guess so.
318
00:13:00,812 --> 00:13:04,015
I want to recalibrate this timing mechanism.
319
00:13:04,148 --> 00:13:06,117
If only I had a decent stopwatch.
320
00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:08,419
Oh, hey, use this.
321
00:13:08,553 --> 00:13:11,289
It's my Swiss beauty.
322
00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:13,591
[CHUCKLES]
323
00:13:13,725 --> 00:13:17,629
Everyone here looks so young,
they're never gonna let us in.
324
00:13:17,762 --> 00:13:19,831
Good. I mean, as much as I would like to show
325
00:13:19,964 --> 00:13:22,867
Stacey my keg stand technique,
I think the best move now
326
00:13:23,001 --> 00:13:24,561
would be to go get some pancakes.
327
00:13:24,636 --> 00:13:27,305
I got this. I've never
been turned away from a party.
328
00:13:27,438 --> 00:13:29,340
[SIGHS] Can we get in?
329
00:13:29,474 --> 00:13:32,310
I plan on going topless. These guys hold my top.
330
00:13:33,378 --> 00:13:36,114
[POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
331
00:13:36,247 --> 00:13:39,417
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
332
00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:41,252
Very nice.
333
00:13:41,386 --> 00:13:45,290
Okay, I hereby offer a temporary
truce on our hostilities.
334
00:13:45,423 --> 00:13:48,059
Accepted. Now, let's go look for Lucy.
335
00:13:48,192 --> 00:13:50,295
It's like we're in a fairy tale.
336
00:13:50,428 --> 00:13:53,831
[SLURRING] A little help?
I've got 80 ounces of beer in me
337
00:13:53,965 --> 00:13:56,301
trying to get out. Ha!
338
00:13:56,434 --> 00:13:59,370
I don't remember Prince Charming peeing himself.
339
00:14:00,138 --> 00:14:01,906
STACEY: Oh!
340
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,574
All good. Figured it out.
341
00:14:04,809 --> 00:14:08,046
And then they all lived happily ever after.
342
00:14:11,182 --> 00:14:13,051
[POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
343
00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:15,053
[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
344
00:14:17,789 --> 00:14:19,824
Hey, what happened to your eyebrow?
345
00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:21,793
Never ask a dude with one eyebrow
346
00:14:21,926 --> 00:14:23,366
what happened to his eyebrow.
347
00:14:23,494 --> 00:14:25,830
[LAUGHS] MAN: Wanna ride the pizza luge?
348
00:14:25,964 --> 00:14:27,398
Uh, yeah.
349
00:14:27,532 --> 00:14:30,501
I'm only a few, uh, seven-
ish years out of college.
350
00:14:30,635 --> 00:14:31,970
So why not. Stace.
351
00:14:32,103 --> 00:14:35,840
Quit screwing around. We're
supposed to be looking for Lucy.
352
00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:39,744
[SIGHS] Trust me. The best possible
outcome, we never find her.
353
00:14:39,877 --> 00:14:40,927
Dude! I'm sorry.
354
00:14:40,979 --> 00:14:42,547
You know I'm right. Okay?
355
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,616
We're on a road trip.
At least we can have some fun.
356
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,285
Luge me.
357
00:14:48,286 --> 00:14:49,954
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
358
00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:51,456
Nice, Gav.
359
00:14:53,958 --> 00:14:57,061
Oh, I didn't know they
could improve on pizza or beer.
360
00:14:57,195 --> 00:14:58,963
Yeah! Let's go, Stace.
361
00:14:59,097 --> 00:15:00,932
Wait. Come on. Hold on, guys.
362
00:15:01,065 --> 00:15:03,201
Why is this so hard? We're in New York.
363
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:04,935
Where are all the attractive men?
364
00:15:04,936 --> 00:15:07,805
They're all gay or married or gay-married. Hm.
365
00:15:07,939 --> 00:15:10,742
Let's face it. Poop Guy
is the best we're gonna do.
366
00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:12,176
Yep. Hey!
367
00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:13,511
Please, don't start.
368
00:15:13,644 --> 00:15:15,813
You put tremendous stress on my dog,
369
00:15:15,947 --> 00:15:18,249
and she feels it seven times more than us.
370
00:15:18,383 --> 00:15:19,884
No, we just wanna talk to you.
371
00:15:20,018 --> 00:15:21,552
Look, it's not my fault.
372
00:15:21,686 --> 00:15:24,655
She got into the dumpster
behind the burrito place.
373
00:15:24,789 --> 00:15:27,658
[???]
374
00:15:27,792 --> 00:15:30,695
That car's purring like a groupie on quaaludes.
375
00:15:30,828 --> 00:15:33,731
Congrats. Now drive it back to the underworld,
376
00:15:33,865 --> 00:15:37,201
so we can use the garage the
way it was intended. For hoarding.
377
00:15:37,335 --> 00:15:39,637
Wanna take it for a spin?
378
00:15:39,771 --> 00:15:43,174
Nah. It's fried chicken night.
379
00:15:43,307 --> 00:15:45,410
Gwen will eat all the skin if I'm late.
380
00:15:45,543 --> 00:15:47,111
True.
381
00:15:49,747 --> 00:15:51,449
Take a drive with him, Nessa.
382
00:15:51,582 --> 00:15:53,382
We can wild out on wings another time.
383
00:15:53,484 --> 00:15:55,119
But I already ironed the bibs.
384
00:15:55,253 --> 00:15:56,454
You sure?
385
00:15:56,587 --> 00:15:57,655
Yeah. Go.
386
00:16:03,327 --> 00:16:06,664
Why would you send her off with him? He's wicked.
387
00:16:06,798 --> 00:16:08,800
He's trying to make things right, Gwen.
388
00:16:08,933 --> 00:16:11,302
We're just gonna have to learn to share her.
389
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,903
If she's not back in 30 minutes,
390
00:16:12,904 --> 00:16:15,006
I'm calling the neighborhood watch.
391
00:16:15,139 --> 00:16:16,507
I hope Doris is still awake.
392
00:16:16,641 --> 00:16:19,077
Fine. Thirty minutes. Oh! Fudgsicles!
393
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:20,510
He swiped my Swiss beauty!
394
00:16:20,511 --> 00:16:23,147
Excuse me, have you seen Lucy Katz?
395
00:16:23,281 --> 00:16:26,984
Yeah. She's here. She's hot!
396
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:28,118
Great, thanks.
397
00:16:28,119 --> 00:16:30,688
[???]
398
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:47,730
Just quickly, one more, one more time.
399
00:16:47,772 --> 00:16:51,442
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Whoo!
400
00:16:51,576 --> 00:16:53,878
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
401
00:16:54,011 --> 00:16:55,331
That's her? The blond one?
402
00:16:55,413 --> 00:16:57,949
That's my Lucy. Grinding like an angel.
403
00:16:58,082 --> 00:17:01,319
GAVIN: Great. There she is. You
saw her, so let's get out of here.
404
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:04,589
No. Gotta make my move man. I'm going for it.
405
00:17:04,722 --> 00:17:06,882
It's gonna be my future baby's origin story.
406
00:17:06,924 --> 00:17:08,259
Arch,
407
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:10,360
stop, look at me. Look me in the eye, okay?
408
00:17:10,361 --> 00:17:13,431
This has been mildly amusing.
This is the moment you wake up.
409
00:17:13,564 --> 00:17:15,466
You can get out with a shred of dignity.
410
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,520
Why are you trying to talk him out of it?
411
00:17:17,635 --> 00:17:19,770
Just tell her how you feel.
412
00:17:19,904 --> 00:17:20,954
Feelings win.
413
00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:22,173
Oh!
414
00:17:22,306 --> 00:17:24,046
Why are you smothering him? I'm not.
415
00:17:24,075 --> 00:17:26,210
You see him on the weekends for fun stuff.
416
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:28,211
I get him the rest of the time for chores.
417
00:17:28,212 --> 00:17:31,482
This is gonna be the best
moment in Archie's life. [GROANS]
418
00:17:31,616 --> 00:17:34,418
[FEEDBACK WHINES] Check. Check.
419
00:17:34,552 --> 00:17:36,854
Lucy. Archie?
420
00:17:36,988 --> 00:17:38,890
Came for you, girl.
421
00:17:39,023 --> 00:17:41,359
What? Why? Oh, God,
422
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,427
I hope you're not doing a
lame Katherine-Heigl-movie thing,
423
00:17:44,428 --> 00:17:47,565
'cause that would be really embarrassing.
424
00:17:49,967 --> 00:17:52,036
I'm way too young for you.
425
00:17:52,037 --> 00:17:53,904
You have crazy hair, and you live in
426
00:17:53,905 --> 00:17:55,585
your friend's parents' basement.
427
00:17:55,606 --> 00:17:57,275
I was wrong. This is gonna be
428
00:17:57,276 --> 00:17:59,376
the worst moment in Archie's life. Mm-hm.
429
00:17:59,377 --> 00:18:02,613
So what? You're gonna tell me you love me?
430
00:18:02,747 --> 00:18:05,816
Um, actually no. I made Archie come here
431
00:18:05,950 --> 00:18:08,753
because he has some important news to tell you.
432
00:18:08,886 --> 00:18:12,490
Uh, no, I don't. I don't have any news.
Definitely-
433
00:18:12,623 --> 00:18:13,823
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
434
00:18:13,891 --> 00:18:15,626
You came a long way to tell her this.
435
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:19,697
Archie, well, technically, Archie and you, Lucy,
436
00:18:19,830 --> 00:18:21,299
both have herpes.
437
00:18:21,432 --> 00:18:22,700
[ALL EXCLAIM]
438
00:18:22,833 --> 00:18:25,002
Yeah, and it's super contagious. So...
439
00:18:25,136 --> 00:18:29,473
It's so true. Uh, Archie, he's extremely sexy,
440
00:18:29,607 --> 00:18:32,176
and I can't help banging him myself.
441
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:33,677
So don't even worry about it.
442
00:18:33,678 --> 00:18:35,079
Also, he is enormous
443
00:18:35,213 --> 00:18:38,316
in the underpants department, ladies. So enjoy.
444
00:18:39,483 --> 00:18:41,652
Yes, thank you. To sum up, Lucy Katz
445
00:18:41,786 --> 00:18:44,789
is riddled with herpes and
Archie has a big one. Peace.
446
00:18:44,922 --> 00:18:46,591
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
447
00:18:46,724 --> 00:18:49,126
[POP MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
448
00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:53,164
Hey, just so you know, the
herpes thing, totally a lie.
449
00:18:53,297 --> 00:18:57,835
Underpants, that's really true.
What dorm are you in?
450
00:19:06,310 --> 00:19:08,746
Paging Dr. Flamingo.
451
00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:10,681
Nessa, I owe you an apology.
452
00:19:10,815 --> 00:19:11,916
Just one?
453
00:19:12,049 --> 00:19:13,451
Let me say this:
454
00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:15,653
I haven't been the best father. I've been-
455
00:19:15,786 --> 00:19:18,022
The worst father? Look, I'm really sorry
456
00:19:18,155 --> 00:19:22,793
about being so bad at being a dad.
You deserve more.
457
00:19:24,528 --> 00:19:26,497
I'm over it.
458
00:19:26,631 --> 00:19:28,532
If you hadn't been such a jackhole,
459
00:19:28,666 --> 00:19:31,035
I wouldn't have turned out to be such a badass.
460
00:19:31,168 --> 00:19:33,704
So you accept my apology?
461
00:19:35,106 --> 00:19:36,156
Sure.
462
00:19:37,475 --> 00:19:39,577
[ENGINE STARTS]
463
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:41,579
Now get out. What?
464
00:19:41,712 --> 00:19:43,414
You can have my forgiveness,
465
00:19:43,547 --> 00:19:45,549
but I'm keeping your precious car.
466
00:19:45,683 --> 00:19:50,588
You said I deserved more,
so I'm taking it. Get out.
467
00:19:56,494 --> 00:19:58,929
You really are a badass, aren't you?
468
00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:00,830
If you're still alive at Christmas,
469
00:20:00,831 --> 00:20:02,333
send me something silk.
470
00:20:02,466 --> 00:20:04,602
[???]
471
00:20:09,340 --> 00:20:11,108
ED: Do you sell lighter fluid?
472
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:14,545
Hm. Crispiest skin ever, Gwen.
473
00:20:14,679 --> 00:20:20,551
I don't know. My tears
are making it soggy and salty.
474
00:20:20,685 --> 00:20:21,986
Nessie! Hey!
475
00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:25,489
Gwen, Brian, sorry I'm late. Let's eat.
476
00:20:27,925 --> 00:20:29,627
You might wanna bleach the band.
477
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,630
Look at that. My Swiss beauty.
478
00:20:32,763 --> 00:20:36,467
And my Pennsylvania beauty. Thank you.
479
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,803
Skin me, Bri.
480
00:20:38,936 --> 00:20:41,372
Set me up with that sweet, sweet chicken butt.
481
00:20:41,505 --> 00:20:42,606
Absolutely.
482
00:20:42,740 --> 00:20:44,709
The flavor's all in the heinie.
483
00:20:44,842 --> 00:20:48,779
Yes it is, Gwen. Sure is.
484
00:20:48,913 --> 00:20:51,615
Stacey, you really showed
me something back there.
485
00:20:51,749 --> 00:20:54,452
I'm officially extending our temporary truce
486
00:20:54,585 --> 00:20:56,220
into a semi-permanent peace.
487
00:20:56,354 --> 00:20:58,622
Thanks. I'm semi-honored.
488
00:20:58,756 --> 00:21:00,391
MICHAEL: How'd it go with Lucy?
489
00:21:00,524 --> 00:21:02,259
Total disaster. Lucy's out.
490
00:21:02,393 --> 00:21:07,631
Perfect. I mean, finally.
No, I mean, aw, that's too bad.
491
00:21:08,532 --> 00:21:10,868
Quality road trip, guys.
492
00:21:11,001 --> 00:21:14,438
Bring it in. Chest to chest to chest.
493
00:21:14,572 --> 00:21:15,706
[CHUCKLES]
494
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,074
[GRUNTS]
495
00:21:17,075 --> 00:21:18,208
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
496
00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:19,710
Okay, big guy.
497
00:21:19,844 --> 00:21:22,413
Let's not let it linger. Things are bumping.
498
00:21:22,463 --> 00:21:27,013
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