Original subtitles

[???]

Thank you.

Is this what you want? Is this what you want?

Yes, Mom, take it off.

I believe you dropped this, Madam.

Gotta run!

[GROANS]

[SIGHS] Sorry, I was cramping up.

Just go on without me.

Okay.

Oh!

I think I just killed a baby.

[RAILROAD CROSSING DINGING]

BRIAN: Morning.

Morning. Morning.

Hi, Brian. Gwen, did you carbo load last night?

I ate a bowl of mac and cheese and a ton of fried chicken skin.

Please tell me you stretched out your trouble spots.

Glutes, groin and throat.

Yes, Brian. If I were any looser,

something might slide out. Good. And what's your mantra?

Head down, knees up.

Good one. Got me through summer school.

It's a charity run for cancer. It's not actually cancer.

I failed to finish this race eight times,

and every time I do, it's like I'm reliving the horror

of my husband's death.

Oh, I made waffles. Oh, great.

[???]

Hello, gentlemen.

Sweet foot gloves. Thank you, sir.

You look like the nerd the other nerds would beat up.

Laugh away. If these had been invented 1000 years ago,

we'd be writing with our toes right now.

With our fingers, we'd unravel the mysteries of the stars.

I don't wanna be rude, but--

You never want to, but you always find a way.

What about that wine tasting today?

We never do anything all together anymore.

We can do that anytime.

Stacey's whole family is coming up for this.

Also there's a new Asian barbecue stand in the park.

The lines shouldn't be too bad,

apparently chemo takes away your appetite.

Always looking on the bright side?

I want you to get to know everyone

Try not to be abrasive. You're normally sandpaper,

dial it back to loofah.Fine.

You should be worried about this one.

Dad's not a concern. Everyone likes him at first.

It's not until later you find out he's a lunatic.

I'm like a slow gas leak.

By the time you notice, it's too late.

[???]

This melon is immense, Gwen.

And seedless. You splurged.

We don't want Gavin's family to think we're spitters.

How much effort should we make to get to know these people?

A big effort. He's my boyfriend, why?

Well, it's just that you've had a lot of boyfriends,

and I bonded with those families,

and then one day, poof, they're gone.

And I don't want to get in too deep again.

Like with James.

His family was ripped away from me

like a baby gorilla from its mother.

James was different.

Of course James was different.

Gavin's just your boyfriend, James was your fianc�.

I'm not talking about this. It's in my past.

Not talking about the past doesn't make it go away.

I have the clinic bills to prove it. Does Gavin know?

No. Why would I tell him that?

You almost married the boy. You have to tell Gavin.

If he finds out some other way, well, that would be worse.

And how else would he find out?

You know secrets make me nervous.

They wanna explode out of my mouth.

Brian, don't.

I will try. But it's so hard.

I hate Gwen's waffles! See?

Better tell him fast, Stace.

Fruit salad done.

[???]

Stacey!

Gavin! Hey!

Hi.

This is happening. Your peanut butter's

about to get all up in my chocolate.

Two great tastes that may not taste great together.

Hey, how's everybody doing today?

Gavin, Stacey's got a secret.

Oh, boy. I got to walk over here now.

What's he talking about?

Nothing. He's allergic to grass and trees.

Anything green, really.

Thank you so much for coming out.

I'm just glad you didn't have other plans.

PAM: No, not a thing.

There had been talk about

a family wine tasting, but never mind.

NESSA & ARCHIE: Hey.

Okay.

So. I brought shirts.

Oh, wow. Oh.

"Finish, Gwen. Finish."

Hm. Neato.

I am gonna put mine right in my purse for safekeeping.

So you run around a loop a few times?

That doesn't seem so bad.

Gwen's been trying to finish

since her husband, my brother, died of cancer.

Oh. Oh.

Very sorry for your loss.

He-he had a malignant mole on his shoulder.

It was about the size of an almond.

He was biking to the doctor

to get it removed when he got hit by a train.

Damn you, cancer. Well, today's for Nicky.

Sounds like there should be a fun run against trains. Right?

No? Okay.

So we need to go register, huh?

ALL: Yeah.

[???]

I don't get it.

Why wouldn't Pam put on the shirt?

Maybe she has a skin disease?

I wouldn't be surprised if she's an alligator woman.

I saw an alligator woman, once, at the State Fair.

She cut me off in the parking lot.

NESSA: I've never seen Gavin in shorts before.

Pretty nice getaway sticks.

Are you gonna put that on?

Oh, come on, I'm being nice. Do I also have to wear

a matching T-shirt, like a German on a bus tour?

I like this shirt. I mean, I can pull off orange.

Not a lot of guys can. I just got to cut off the sleeves.

David and Goliath need to breathe.

The right arm's Goliath. Guess why.

Mm. Thank you for helping me get that deep stretch.

You are folding me like sweet origami.

You're soft as hot noodles, Bri. You are ready to run.

Oh, I don't run, Archie. I racewalk.

Or as I call it, the gentleman's jog.

It's a dying sport, like fox-baiting or boulder-dangle.

I think you'd like it. You sweat?

Just a fine mist, Archie.

That's too much for me.

[SNIFFS]

I smell barbecue.

Brian, you to your challenge, me to mine.

[???]

Look at this guy.

He's like a greyhound, all skinny and shivering.

You can tell he's fast as greased hell.

That sickly dude? Twenty bucks says I'll blast him.

Twenty American? I like that action.

He's a lightning bolt. [LAUGHS]

MICHAEL: I may be raising money to keep him alive,

but I'll murder him on the racecourse.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hiya. Oh, hi.

Is that T-shirt I gave you too snug?

Because I have more in the car.

Oh, no, no, no. It fits just fine.

And the color is-- Oh, it's really striking.

I thought I'd save it,

wear it when I do chores around the house.

Oh, I didn't realize you did chores.

I figured you'd hire Caribbean's for that.

[LAUGHS INAUDIBLY] No.

It's just that I made them myself.

They-- Well, they look homemade.

Good luck out there.

GAVIN: That doesn't look like it went so well.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if mom's upset or constipated.

Well, my mom's no picnic either. She's an acquired taste.

She's like anchovies or getting trampled by bulls.

I knew these T-shirts were a mistake.

[SIGHS]

But hey, we all make mistakes sometimes, right?

I mean, I know I sure do.

I once made a hot fudge sundae with no ice cream.

Durr. But, um, another funny mistake

I once made, or almost made is, uh--

[GUNSHOT]

[PEOPLE CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

GAVIN: Whoo!

[YELPS]

BOTH: Oh!

Gentleman down.

Gentleman down!

[GROANS]

[GROANING]

This is it. This is how I leave you.

Ooh, my foot, my foot, my foot, my foot.

My foot.

Are you okay?

I may never racewalk again.

I just hope you can walk again, period.

I'd be surprised if you're able to keep the leg.

We might have to cut it off to prevent infection.

We have a hammer in the car. The claw end looks pretty sharp.

Tickle each other behind a hedge.

My foot feels like it's been touched by a devil.

Aw. Oh, sorry.

What hurts the most is that my sponsors

won't donate money if I don't finish the race.

I'm sorry, Nicky. They broke me.

Well, how about I run for you, Brian?

You'd do that?

Sure. It's a 5K. I don't know how long a "K" is

because I'm American, but I'm sure

I can run five of them. Thank you very much, Gavin.

But I'd prefer if you racewalk.

Yeah. Not gonna happen.

I understand completely.

Legs like yours were built for speed.

My God, can you imagine

what kind of beautiful children you two will have

if you ever get married? Ooh, my mouth is feeling explosive.

Okay, good luck, Gav. Okay. Bye.

[SIGHS] Can you keep it together, Brian?

I can't help it. Look at him.

He's got the gait of an antelope and the good humor of--

Well, I'm told antelopes have very nice personalities.

Stacey, I'm in too deep. Too deep.

[???]

[PANTING] Head down, knees up.

Head down, knees up.

Hey, Gwen. Looking good.

Need to focus.

My body feels like a burlap sack full of fire ants.

That's good. You're feeling the burn. Keep it up.

Head down, knees up.

Head down--

I love you. And I will destroy you.

? To pick myself Off the floor ?

Yeah, Michael! Get after it.

Heads up, Michael. On your 6.

Damn greyhound.

You can outrun death, but you can't outrun me.

? No more ?

? Uh-huh. Well I can't sit still ?

Hey, Gavin, a little help here.

What do you need?

I can't get this wine bottle open.

Come on, come sit with me. I'll pour you a glass.

I'm busy running this for Stacy's uncle.

You're running?

You, who once told your soccer coach

running was a coward's version of walking?

You should go apologize to Gwen.

Why? I'm being nice.

You think you're being nice,

but you're actually being kind of rude,

I want you to get along.

I'm trying. I don't see the two of us

camping out in matching long johns soon.

Apologize, or I'm not opening this bottle.

Fine. Can't believe I'm negotiating with a terrorist.

Thanks, Mom.

[???]

You want the last piece of corn?

Is that supposed to mean something?

No, I'm saying, there's one piece left.

You can have it.

If you want it.

Makes no difference to me.

If I have it, it'll be a nice addition to the meal.

If I don't, I'm full as it is.

The question is, Archie, do you want it?

I want it.

I'm just worried that if I ate it now,

I'd be expected to eat it all the time.

I wouldn't worry about that.

Corn is a once-in-a-blue-moon treat,

which once eaten, is soon forgotten

and won't be mentioned again to anyone.

That's good to know.

? Oh, I ?

? I'm coming through Your town tonight ?

? And everything will be All right... ?

Shall we? Yes, now.

I know we were talking about sex,

but I also really want the corn.

[GROANS]

Why don't they make colder ice?

Will you sit still?

One lap down.

A little chafing, but I think I'm good.

You have got to tell him about James.

He deserves to know, and keeping this secret

is causing me stress, and stress causes cancer,

then you'll be running for me. I want to.

We're in that early phase when everything is good.

Telling him about my fianc� is like going

to the bathroom in front of each other.

What you do in the bathroom you can flush away.

Usually. Look, Stacey...

you'd wanna know if some boy had given him a ring, wouldn't you?

[???]

Hey, Gwen, Gwen, wait up. Can I talk to you?

[PANTING] Can't stop. Have to concentrate.

Head down, knees up.

Wow, you're really pacing yourself.

I'm on a metal hip, and I can keep up.

Head down... Head down. What do you want?

Me? I want to drink some wine. But Gavin says--

I can't talk now.

I can barely breathe.

They call me abrasive.

Oh, sorry. Oh! Oh, no!

[BABY CRYING] I got to stay focused. Sorry!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[???]

Looking good, old man.

I am deeply regretting the low-calorie diet.

Pretty sure my body is feasting on itself.

What are you doing out here?

I'm filling in for Stacey's uncle.

Wow. Talk about your grand romantic gestures.

If Pam's uncle were on fire,

I wouldn't cross the street to get water.

Uncle Dennis? He's my Godfather.

We didn't realize what a pain in the ass he was

until you were around 6. Oh.

But if you're out here running,

you must be nuts about this girl.

Yeah, I guess I am.

This is incredibly boring.

I'm gonna finish as fast as I can.

Years ago, I would've--

? Hey, hey ?

Oh, no.

? Any place That I wanna go... ?

All right. Mm.

This is disgusting.

Just do what I do. Close your eyes and pretend

you're with somebody else.

If anyone's closing their eyes, it's me closing my eyes at you.

Man, you feel good!

Your body is like

hot, fresh bread.

I don't know if that's good or bad,

but I'm a sandwich guy. So I'm taking it as a compliment.

[BOTH LAUGH]

? Hey. Hey, now. Whoa Anything that I wanna do ?

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey. Ha, ha. You did it. Whoo!

Still don't know why you did it, but you did it.

Thanks. It's too bad Stacey's not here.

I did the whole Chariots of Fire chest lean at the end.

So did you talk to Gwen?

I tried to. But she was too busy staying in her zone.

I was being so nice, I practically made myself vomit.

Just go say you're sorry already.

What is going on with you?

You've known this girl a month.

Why are you getting so worked up? I like her.

You've liked a lot of girls, but you never made me feel like

Joan Crawford on a bad pill day.

I know, but Stacey's-- I-I don't know.

I want you to get along with Gwen. The least you could do

is put on that stupid T-shirt.

Aha. So you admit that shirt is stupid.

Oh, my--

Okay, if that shirt is so important to you,

you want me to put it on right now?

Yes, Mom, take it off!

[???]

[WHISTLES]

[GROANS]

Oh, no!

Whoo! WOMAN: Yeah!

Whoo! Yeah!

Where have you been?

I was just getting some barbecue.

Looks like it was extra tangy.

Gavin did great, huh?

Yeah, he's pretty special.

I mean, not that kind of special.

Though there was a six-month period

when we worried, he walked late.

Look at him now. Running like a big boy.

You know, he's my only child,

and he really likes you, so be careful with him, okay?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey! Michael, come on! Let's go.

Yeah, baby! I blasted you. Eat it!

Nice. Very classy.

Cancer people wanna be treated like everybody else.

And I straight out blasted that guy.

Yes, yes you did. You blasted him good.

BRIAN: Now, I am not usually a complainer,

but my foot feels like it's been violated by a necromancer.

Hey, wait. What is this?

Ah, ah, ah! Ah! [STACEY GASPS]

No, well, I wouldn't worry. That's just a little nail.

That's pretty clean by city standards. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, guys, it's my mom!

GAVIN: Come on, Gwen. BRIAN: Come on, Gwen!

Feeling weird. Feeling really weird.

You got this, girl! You can do it! Come on, you can do it.

There was a nail in my foot.

Grandpa, will you push me on the swing?

[ALL CONTINUE CHEERING]

Come on, Gwen! Get up! Get up!

I think I made a messy in my shorts.

[CRYING] BRIAN: Come on, Gwen!

Come on, you can do it. Come on, Gwen. You can do it.

I can't believe I put on this T-shirt for this.

Gwen. Gwen, listen to me. Gwen, get up.

You are so close to the finish line. You could roll there.

Screw you. What?

Take off that shirt. [SCOFFS]

You are the rudest person I have ever met,

and I once met Jerry Lewis at the opening of a supercenter!

Oh, yeah? Come on. Come on.

You look like you...

You-- You cut your own hair.

Rachel Ray showed me how to do it on the internet. Ooh.

And you look like an aging prostitute.

Oh, yeah? You have the sad confused eyes

of an inbred poodle! How dare you,

you filthy city bitch? Oh!

[ALL CHEERING]

NESSA: Good job, Gwen.

I need to get laid.

That was nice.

It was a little weird, but nice.

Yeah.

Tell him.

So, um, speaking of weird,

come with me. I have to tell you something.

You okay? You sure? Yeah.

You were talking pretty crazy there for a second.

[SIGHS] Oh...

I finally finished this race for my dear, dead Nick,

and now Stacey has a great new guy with an interesting family.

I think it's time for me to start dating again.

It has been eight years.

Eight years? Oh, my God, you're practically a re-virgin.

Why don't you let me set you up? Really?

Yeah. I'm hell on wheels as a matchmaker.

Okay.

So, what's up? My legs are starting to feel all paralyze-y.

Oh. Um, well, there's something that I need to tell you.

Or not need to. It's not like it has a...expiration date,

or it's gonna go bad like milk.

Um, but it, it is something that I feel like I should tell you,

because you're really special to me,

and I'm nervous to say it, but--

I know what you're gonna say,

and I-- I think I love you too.

You do? Yeah.

Me too! I love you. I-I do.

I love you. I love you.

? We've lost our way Led love astray ?

Okay. [GIGGLES] 'Kay.

So did that just happen? Yes. I was here.

It totally happened.

Wow. I've never said that to anyone before.

Once when I was at the mall, I said it to the Easter Bunny,

but to be fair, he was handing out jelly beans.

You guys okay?

Yeah. Yeah, we're great.

Oh, good, so, it's safe,

she told you her secret. Brian--

All good. She told me.

Thank God. I hate keeping secrets.

Archie and Nessa had sex in the Porta-Potty.

Ugh.

Okay. I'm off to get 11 Tetanus shots.

Good afternoon.

? Hold on ?

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