Original subtitles

[GROANING]

Ah...

[???]

[GASPS]

You know, I think I'm good. I should just stay on top.

Okay.

I'm supposed to be in there! I'm-

[TASER CRACKLES] Aah!

The whole world is watching!

The whole world is watching! The whole-

Well, watch his head. He still has a soft spot.

Oh, come on.

Barely.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, we are going to Brown Town!

[CAWS]

[CAR ALARM SOUNDING]

[TRAIN BELL DINGING]

STACEY: Hurry up, Mom.

I don't want to be late for my date with Gavin.

It's just a four-hour drive to New York,

not a space ark to Jupiter.

Okay. I'm almost done.

I've got 10 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

And one jelly and jelly?

Yes, Brian. Thank you.

I cannot wait to see Dave Matthews again.

You may not know it by looking at me,

but back in what I like to call "the day,"

I was a hard-core Matthews man.

But that was a long time ago, back before your dad died.

Buried my electric violin that day, Stace. Not on purpose.

I will try anything once. But Dave Matthews

sounds like three horses trampling two dogs.

Uh, no, he sounds like a God being tickled by an angel.

He sounds- He sounds like a God

being tickled by an angel.

Well, let me know if it's horses or angels.

When you guys are at the concert,

I will be having a better time with Gavin.

So it's on tonight.

? You're gonna crunch, crunch Crunch it up ?

? Crunch, crunch, crunch it up ? I hate the crunch song.

It's the perfect time. Tonight is your night.

The last date with Stacey was a disaster.

This time I got it planned nice.

Good for you. What's your schedule?

It's a tight window. She gets in at 8:00,

but her family's driving her back home at 11:30.

Her lady schedule.

You're starting a long-distance relationship.

Could be weeks till you hang again.

The first time you go to Six Flags,

you don't wanna find out the park's flooded.

I wonder if we met now, would we still be friends?

Of course. Hook my boy up with some condoms.

I don't need a personal shopper for my penis.

Only have the big ones.

Not a problem. He's a quarter Italian.

Sorry. I can't do it.

What do you mean, you can't do it?

Too much condom, not enough you.

If it's too loose, you reproduce.

Hold on, I am definitely in the ballpark.

I mean, I wear extra-large sweaters from certain stores.

Sorry, Papi.

Do I need to put it on a scale so you can weigh it?

Next.

You just lost a customer.

But after this. Yeah, this.

Relax, it's just a date.

We're hardly gonna have any time.

I don't know if anything's gonna happen.

It's no big deal.

It's kind of a big deal

because you two are gonna have sex for the first time.

I know it and you know it. I don't really know it.

At least not 100 percent.

You should. 'Cause Gavin's just a nice guy

you met through work till he makes you feel like

you're on one of those roller coasters the Arabs build.

I'm not worried. He's a good kisser.

Oh, that doesn't mean anything. Brian's a good kisser.

Thank you, Nessa.

We agreed never to talk about that trip again.

Look, Gavin lives four hours away. You got to find out now.

If you don't have sexual chemistry, what do you have?

Just your friend's uncle's tongue in your mouth.

[???]

Don't worry about condoms. My love locker is at your disposal.

I got a rubber so big, you can sleep underwater.

Sounds useful.

The apartment's yours tonight.

You're going out with your girl, I'm going out with my girl.

Yeah, "girl" being the operative word.

You're sure Lucy's 18, right?

Eighteen and three-quarters, and she's All-State track.

The complete package.

PAM: Michael, why have you

thrown away all these cookies?

I'm weak. I can't have them around, tempting me.

And no more French food in the house, okay?

It's all butter and fat.

He's ethnic cleansing our kitchen.

All right, here's your stuff. Pamela, you're looking good.

Hardly old enough to be the mother

of a boy who's about to crunch, crunch,

BOTH: Crunch it up.

PAM: Really? Tonight?

We're not talking about this.

Yeah, okay, I mean, that's no big deal.

You know, it's not your first time at a rodeo.

It is his first time with Stacey, though.

I remember the first time your mother and I made love.

It was Halloween. She was dressed as a sexy cat.

Hot. But a little clich�.

Yeah, he was the Tin Man. He kept asking me to oil him.

Yet another holiday ruined by one of your sex stories.

We did things to one another,

things that should have made me

never want to look her in the eye again.

But the next morning, I wanted to spend

the rest of the day with her. I mean, we went to brunch.

Oh. Wow.

I consider to be

the dumbest meal of the week. Brunch, my boys.

That's how you know you have a winner.

[???]

? It's not a complicated Thing to follow ?

? Maybe as simple As your smile ?

There he is!

Wow, his jaw could cut glass and hair could stop a bullet.

He'd be very useful in an emergency.

I'm gonna pick you up here after the concert at 11:30.

Guys, I can take the bus home in the morning. It's no problem.

No. We came as a family. We'll leave as a family.

Fine. Let him see the gold.

You have the ass of a Boy Scout

and the eyes of that hot slut

on the cover of National Geographic.

You're ready.

Gavin! Hey.

Hey.

[GRUNTS] Oh, my stars!

[SQUEALS]

You nailed that dude.

We should make sure he's all right,

but we are late for Dave Matthews.

Stace, you'll take care of him, right?

Hi, Gavin.

Bye.

BOTH: Hi.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[???]

GAVIN [SIGHS]: So welcome back to the city.

Thanks. This date's going even better than our first one, huh?

You haven't thrown up yet.

The night is young. So, what now?

Well, the New York thing to do would be to slowly walk away

and then tweet about it.

Do we really have to fill this all out?

We're in a rush, and we're gonna lose our dinner reservation.

Did I just sound like Donald Trump?

I wish. They'd hold a reservation for Trump.

[???]

Wow. I've never seen so many

of the same kind of white people before.

Smells like somebody dropped

an underarm bomb on a patchouli factory.

I wonder how Stacy's doing.

You know, she can fall for guys too fast,

and it turns out to be a horrible mistake.

But one time in a billion,

it turns out to be a beautiful mistake.

That's why we play the game, Gwen.

Okay, I got the tickets, but I got to warn you.

A Dave Matthews concert, that's like a door to a second life,

and you can either be reborn as a golden god

or emerge a misshapen runt.

It's all how you pass through the birth canal.

Punch me straight in the girl cave. Is that Dave Coaches?

Is he a roadie for D.M.B.? That is awesome.

That guy repulses me like hot mayonnaise.

Thank God you ended it last year.

Mostly. What can I say?

That relationship lingered like a fart in a foam pillow.

Why don't you go talk to him? See if you can get us backstage.

Brian, no! Sorry, Bri-

That man is crack cocaine with a beautiful wiener.

If I even look into his eyes too long,

I could get hooked on that pipe.

I completely understand. I still say we roll the dice.

Okay, great. Fantastic.

They gave away our reservation.

It's okay. I don't need a fancy meal.

The bicyclist gave me one of his energy bars, so I'm good.

Um. Well, now, we can, uh- Shoot, um...

Crapsicle. Ugh. I'm gonna have to meet

my mom and Brian in not that long now.

[GROANS] I'm sorry. I really wanted this to be a nice night. Uh...

Okay, new plan. I cook for you.

I have red wine, and I've heard

that my Bolognese sauce is edible.

[LAUGHS] Great.

Yeah? What kind of pasta do you like?

Doesn't matter. I'm not hungry.

Oh, right, 'cause you had that energy bar.

That's not what I meant.

[???]

Oh. Um.

Well, I am also not hungry.

Great. So shall we go?

Yes. I don't say "shall" a lot,

but I'm trying to impress you.

Nessa. Wow. Hey, you, uh, cut your hair.

Doctor's orders.

I had to shave all over after what you gave me.

Ooh, be careful, Mommy.

What? Nothing. Just keep walking.

You better hope we don't get any showers.

This one ain't got no raincoat. What is he talking about?

The weather has been crazy, but I'm around the corner.

Excuse me. Did Lucy Cash finish the 400 yet?

Does anyone know if the St. Selene's Girl's track meet

is finished yet? Anyone?

[PAM & MICHAEL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

These are calorie bombs. You're killing me.

Weird. Uh, hi. This is Stacey.

Hi. Good night.

Well, hello, Miss Stacey. STACEY: Hi. Nice to meet you.

Gavin, she's very pretty.

Isn't she? My goodness, beautiful.

Yeah, she is. You are very cute.

And your skin? Are you kidding with that skin?

It's like a ripe piece of fruit.

You look like a porcelain doll

they find in the homes of serial killers.

Okay. Stacey's mom and uncle are picking her up really soon.

Feel free to keep eating trash

and talking about her body on your own.

PAM: Your family's in town? Yeah.

Text them. Invite them to come over.

We'll do that later. Bye. Bye, guys.

Oh, no, no, no. Text them. GAVIN: No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. PAM & MICHAEL: Yes, yes, yes.

Listen, just text them now.

I really- I'm texting them.

Yeah, text them.

[PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING]

I sent it.

Okay, very good. All set.

We'll see you in a little bit then. Bye, Stacey. Bye!

[SIGHS]

So those are the people who made me,

who I might end up being like.

Seemed nice.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Now Stacey wants us to pick her up at Gavin's house.

His parents want to meet us?

Oh, this is really zooming along.

Yeah, great. I'm kind of watching this develop right now.

Brian wants to go backstage. Can you get in or not?

Yeah, I can get you backstage, if you let me go backstage.

You kidding? Not after what you did to my greenroom.

That's rock and roll. Things get broken.

Nice try, Dave.

For you, I'll do it for a kiss.

Not gonna happen. You know me. I'm like Vlad the Impaler.

When I burn a village, I don't turn back to look at the flames.

How are you gonna get your marshmallows toasted, Nessa?

So is there anything you like?

Um, I like it all. The whole shebang.

Anything I should know? Any allergies?

I'm pretty normal. I'm okay with dirty talk,

just no baby voices, and no Grandpa voices.

Uh, okay. How about robot voices?

Um, don't ruin it. I'm okay with a little

of this or this, I just really don't like this.

Oh, who likes that? You'd be surprised.

Oh. Do you like this?

Nessa, no! Hi, I'm Gwen.

Hi.

Yes. You got a kiss, we're in. Whoo!

[???]

Hey, um, hey, do you have a thingy? Huh?

An adult balloon you can only make one animal out of?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I- Shoot. I have to go get one,

but I will be right back, and just don't fall asleep

or start binge-watching Friday Night Lights or anything.

STACEY: Okay. Ah!

[LAUGHS]

That's the first man I've kissed in eight years.

My uterus clenched up like a fist.

Thanks, Gwen. You're aces.

You really took a bullet for me. Right in the mouth.

Yes! Whoo! Backstage with Dave.

Music!

Yeah! All access!

Yes!

[JACKHAMMER DRILLING]

No, no, no, no, no, no! No, no!

Dave!

[???]

Oh!

Ah! God!

Oh!

Pshh.

What the hell are you doing here?

It went sideways, dude.

Lucy sassed her track coach and got grounded.

You don't want to hear my story right now.

Not this second. Can I get a condom?

All right, you're making it happen, man.

Welcome to the love locker.

[CHUCKLES] Ooh, this one's made for you.

Not literally. I didn't get your measurements

and send them to a tailor in Hong Kong.

Oh, this one is banana flavored, right here.

I eat these as snacks sometimes.

I don't have enough blood in my brain

to understand what you're saying, so I'm in a rush.

I like your attitude. You're going for it.

Man, I give up too easy.

Lucy's dad can't keep her from me.

I don't think. Maybe I should make it happen.

Yes, yeah. You know what?

Go for it. Go. Go with God. Good luck. Do it.

Oh, I need a condom.

[???]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Nessa. Guess where I am?

In Gavin's bed, halfway to Hades.

You're good.

Heads up. Looks like we're gonna be

getting there ahead of schedule.

Like, when?

Assuming your uncle

can't sweet-talk security,

20 minutes, maybe half an hour. Get to work.

N-Nessa.

[GROANS]

[PHONE SLAMS]

Gav?

Avocado, Pam?

What? Too exotic for the yokels?

This is like the �clair of hand fruits.

I'm trying to tighten up.

[SCOFFS] Enough! You're skinnier than I am.

It's about health, not weight. I'm thinner than you,

I have more tone and definition, you're skinnier.

Please. I bet my skirts would fit you better than they fit me.

How much? Fifty bucks? Yeah.

And if I win, um, brownies. Trays and trays of brownies.

Ooh.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

What are you doing?

I hope you like plaid.

If you spin that fast enough, we can hear "Born to Run."

Oh.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Uh, look, um, we don't have to rush, okay?

I-I really like you and our first time should be special,

and we can always do this some other time.

We don't have to try to beat the clock.

I really like you too, but, um, my mom is gonna be here

in 20 minutes now, so can we make it special and fast?

You make it special, I'll make it fast.

[CHUCKLES]

BRIAN: Big misunderstanding. Okay?

Nessa, Gwen, let's go.

[???]

Luce! Lucy!

? It must've passed me by ?

? The time I had to blink ?

? Just leavin' me With wild... ?

Ow! Ow!

[GASPS]

[CAWS]

? Everybody in the world... ?

Yes!

Dave! I'm supposed to be in there! I'm-

[TASER CRACKLES] Aah!

? ...but me ?

I love you.

What was I thinking? Lucy's not right for me. Is she?

No, she's not right for you.

Where's my pliers? The zipper is stuck.

You get it stuck in the lining?

I don't know, that's lining- [DOOR BELL RINGS]

Is that them already?

Why are they here so early?

Here, Archie.

Hi. Come on in.

Hi, I'm Nessa. I'm a friend of Stacey's.

Hello. Come on, come on. GWEN: Hey.

Oh, great. It's you.

Yep.

I'm Pam,

and this is my husband, Michael.

You must be Stacey's parents.

I'm Gwen, Stacey's mom.

This is Brian, my dead husband's brother.

Great to meet you. Am I yelling?

I am. I can tell by looking at your face.

You're yelling. I know. I got electrocuted.

I need to recalibrate.

You're dressed like a lady.

BOTH [LAUGH]: Oh!

Oh, that's just- We had a bet.

It's- It's a silly story. He has an eating disorder.

False!

So where's Gavin and my little girl?

Downstairs in our apartment doing it.

Whoops. I should not have said that.

I've been drinking.

Snitch.

I think I'll finish this in the backyard.

When he says, "doing it,"

does that mean the same thing in the city?

Because in the country it means-

[WHISTLES] It means doing it.

Yeah, would you excuse me for just a minute?

Um...

Okay. I'm gonna go make a phone call.

Now, uh, do you know how long they're gonna be?

'Cause we actually have a long drive home.

We have a long drive home.

He's been single for quite some time. Should be quick.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

Be quick...

[PAM KNOCKING]

Head's up. Mother incoming.

GAVIN: Don't come in here.

Hi, Stacey.

Uh, hiya!

Okay, everybody said hi, so get out.

FYI, Stacey's family is waiting in our apartment,

so if you think this is awkward, you should see it up there.

So towel off and get moving.

Okay. Thank you.

[SIGHS]

It was just under the wire.

Buzzer beater.

[CHUCKLES]

[???]

[???]

[MOANING]

Oh!

[SIGHS]

I'm having a sugar rush.

Who wants to see how high I can jump?

Nobody. I do.

GAVIN: Hi. Hi, everybody.

Sorry, we were just watching a movie.

Oh, well, I hope you got to finish.

[PAM & MICHAEL LAUGH]

Ooh, alcohol. I'll take a sip.

Hey, have a brownie.

No thanks. I think I'm gonna save room for brunch.

Really? That's great.

[???]

Is that a skirt?

Yes, it is.

Okay, well, it's time to go.

Yes, we have to beat that pre-dawn Amish butter run.

GWEN: Nessa, your back is covered in mud.

I know. I slipped.

All right, Stace? Yeah. All right.

Here, I'll put this-

Let me. All right. Let's see.

Hm. Your girl's happy, Gwen.

GWEN: Yeah.

Well, maybe he's that one in a billion beautiful mistake.

We'll see. [CHUCKLES]

[YAWNS]

What?

I slipped.

[???]

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