Original subtitles

Hey, should we go sit with Ahmed?

No, I don't feel like getting up.

I'll call him and tell him we're over here.

What a dick!

Well, you call him a lot. Let me try.

What the hell?

Hey, jag-off, answer your phone.

You guys called me?

Yeah, we just saw you blow us off!

Hey, don't feel bad.

His people have like 50 or 60 phones.

That's how they plan what they're gonna do.

That's probably a detonator phone.

Don't make me press "3," Hank.

Steve! My good friend!

Remember me... Sanjay?

I was here a while ago for ladies night.

I picked up every single girl in this bar.

You all went home to a shame place and abused yourself.

Oh, yeah, I remember you.

How's everything in douchebag land?

Still the king?

I'm a reformed man now, Steve.

Every day, I faithfully attend sex-addiction meetings

at the downtown rec center.

Changed my life.

And not just because of the cronuts they serve.

Talk about addictive.

Seriously? Sex addiction?

I hurt a lot of people, Steve.

Many women.

1,223...And a half.

I'm not proud of what I've done.

I am a sex addict.

Ooh, look at me. A big carrot.

No, thank you. I'm in recovery now.

Six months flaccid.

Congratulations. You got your limp chip.

Thank you. It was a big day for me.

Back when I was sexing it up,

I was so ashamed of my personality

that I created an alter ego... Neal,

but he's gone now, and so is cheesy pick-up lines like,

uh, "is your father an art thief?"

'Cause you're a masterpiece."

Sorry, not meant for you.

Rest assured, Neal, the sex-addicted me

is locked away and never to return.

Sanjay is a free man.

Look, I'm glad you're feeling better and everything,

but I'm not buying the whole sex-addict thing.

Oh, Steve, it's a real thing.

Luckily, I dodged that bullet.

I'm in control of my sex life.

I can limit myself to three times a day.

Four on Sundays!

You know, to me, sex addiction is just an excuse

for guys like you to be a slam hound.

Yes, many people are skeptical,

but Neal's sex addiction

cost me my job, my home, everything.

But now my life is back on track

selling... The kitomo knife!

Steve, do you ever ask yourself,

"am I really happy with my cutlery needs?"

Hey. These are nice, huh?

Well-balanced, durable handle,

and look at the ease of the cutting action.

Oh, yeah.

It's like that lemon was begging for it.

Back in my day, we called things what they were,

and we would call someone like you a skirt chaser,

a sleazeball, a scumbag.

And back then, if you walked into your living room

and found the frigidaire repairman

on top of your wife,

you'd tell him, "hey, that's on your time, not mine."

Sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

♪ Da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪

♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪

And one quick cut here, and one quick cut there,

and voilà, a radish becomes a rose.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, your knives are great,

but I really think it's time for you to go.

I'll leave as soon as I make amends.

Please, it's a big part of my therapy.

There's therapy for being a womanizing jerk?

Oh, yes. It's very extensive.

There's group work, journaling.

I even swam with dolphins, which was challenging

because those blowholes are very enticing.

I hear you, Sanjay. I'm banned from seaworld.

So I lean over to pet a dolphin,

and one of my skittles drops down its blowhole.

Of course I got to fish it out.

Next thing you know, they arrest me for fingering a dolphin.

Excuse me, Steve,

there's one more person I need to make amends to.

Melanie, do you remember me?

Unfortunately, yes.

I just want to say my name is Sanjay Patel,

and I am a sex addict.

More like man-whore, but whatever works for you.

Look, the person you met, Neal, is dead and buried.

Not only did he demean and disrespect you,

but more importantly, he objectified you as a woman,

and I deeply regret that.

Well, something is different.

You've been talking to me for 30 seconds,

and you haven't checked out my boobs.

I know. Crazy, huh?

I got a chip for that, too.

I just hope someday you can forgive me.

Sanjay, what are these selling for?

Uh, $399.

Ooh, that's kind of expensive.

But wait. There's more.

You're not buying this guy's act, are you?

Of course not.

Hey, people can change. They can grow.

Like, when a black family bought the house next door to me,

I didn't call the cops. I didn't get upset.

All I did was sell my house.

For a loss, obviously.

If you buy the kitomo knife today,

you also get these lovely stainless-steel shrimp forks,

but you must... Act... Now!

Wait right here. I'll get you the money.

Ohh!

Money?

You cannot spend money without my authorization.

This is not your money. It's mine.

Wait a minute. Your money is our money.

And what about the money you have stashed away?

Well, that's my money.

You know what's total B.S.?

I have to register

if I live within 1,000 feet of an aquarium.

They call it flipper's law.

Let's talk about something human, preferably women.

This guy has a whole bunch of knowledge

on a subject that he's not using.

It's true. He could teach us.

Sanjay, got a question for you.

Just between us, what's your secret for picking up women?

Well, t-that's a past I'm not proud of.

Oh, you'd really be helping us out, man.

Well, part of my therapy is helping those in need.

But before I do, I must ask...

are any of you predisposed to sex addiction?

No, we're all good. No addiction problems here.

Well, with women, it comes down to one word... observation.

See that woman over there in the homemade sweater?

She's into crafts, so you talk scrapbooking, knitting patterns,

and, boom, you're in.

And her... I'd direct your eye

to the flecks of light-green paint on her arm.

She is an artist who does landscapes,

probably an admirer of the impressionist period.

So you talk the works of monet, degas, pissarro.

Ah, for me, it's the works of Gauguin.

The brush strokes, the composition.

Man, could that guy paint a pair of tits.

What about that girl? What do I do with her?

Her hair is tied back tight, which indicates severe type-a.

So when you talk to her, you must only look at her left eye,

which connects to the right side of the brain,

which is less rational.

Look into the left eye. Got it.

Is it her left or my left?

Her left.

That side.

- Hi. My name's Owen. - Hi.

Has anyone ever told you you have a beautiful left eye?

No, but thank you.

Hi. I'm Hank.

Sagittarius. I eat bacon every day.

You have a beautiful left eye.

Damn it.

Oh, is everything okay, Melanie?

Oh, yeah.

I just found out that I'm on call this weekend,

and I just came off a 48-hour shift.

Melanie, you're so underappreciated.

You heal the sick, you save lives,

but it's still not enough.

Finally, somebody who understands

what I deal with every single day.

Look at her.

She's falling for his sex-addiction crap.

All he wants to do is get in her pants.

My wife doesn't wear pants anymore...

just big dresses to cover everything up.

It's kind of a blessing.

Plus, I think the neighbors appreciate it.

Well, I'm not letting this happen.

Melanie, I would love to take you out for coffee.

Oh, I don't think that would be a...

Before you say no, it would just mean

that you can see that I've really changed.

So, will you go for coffee with me?

No. That sounds nice, Sanjay.

I said no.

A date? Are you out of your mind?

It's not a date. It's just coffee.

Melanie, coffee means sex.

Everybody knows it's a gateway drink.

Steve, he seems like he really changed,

and between work and here,

it's not like I meet a lot of guys.

It'd be nice to get back out there

and eventually meet somebody.

And you will, but that guy... Neal, Sanjay...

whatever he's calling himself this week... is scamming you.

He's not a sex addict. Sex addiction is not real.

Steve, Steve, Steve.

You need to be sympathetic to these people.

It's something they can't control.

Every thought, every person, every object is about sex...

Even this coaster...

The cold metal of a Martini shaker...

the smooth handle of this lemon zester.

In fact, these are very dangerous for Sanjay.

I'm confiscating them.

This thing will cut through everything.

Roy, give me your phone.

So, about your secret stash,

exactly how much money do you have?

Exactly none of your business.

Tell me.

This kills you, doesn't it...

to know I have my own money, and you don't know how much.

I love you, Jackie.

Oh! You can do better than that.

Do you have enough money to cover my naked body?

Better.

I'll... I'll tell you if you do that thing I like.

I'll make the proper preparations.

You ain't got shit, right?

Not a dime.

Married man to married man, what's the thing?

I lay on the table...

ooh, that's enough.

Couldn't help but notice your blouse.

It's very see-through-y.

I like to observe things.

You have this quiet intelligence about you.

Yeah-huh.

I love that mole on your cheek.

It tells me you have no regard for your health.

You like to live life on the edge.

I do. You get me.

I like you.

Will you excuse us?

Don't let anyone else observe you while we're gone.

Dude, your tricks are awesome.

We're killing it with those babes.

Yeah, it's going great.

It's time to close the deal. What do we do?

Gentlemen, you've learned a lot for one day.

In good time, we'll discuss how to close the deal,

but for now, be free.

I knew it. You're still scamming women.

No. No, it's not for myself.

I-it's like a charity.

Think of it this way...

I'm arranging adoptions for erections without a home.

Please, will you drop the sex-addict crap?

Nobody is buying it, especially me.

I'm sorry you don't believe me, but it's the truth.

Really? So, uh... so, this cute girl here...

you're telling me you don't want to use

one of your cheesy pickup lines like,

"was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?"

Not now.

I'm not that person anymore.

See that hot girl that just walked by?

No. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

And you're picturing her naked right now.

No, no, I'm not. Oh, yeah, you are.

Only because you put the picture in my head.

And you know what she's doing right now?

She's unsnapping her bra.

Not her Lacy, Lacy bra.

Oh, yeah. You know you want her to.

No, no, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, no, no, I don't. I don't.

I mean, I do.

I'll tear those purple panties off with my teeth!

Oh, my God. He's loose.

That's right. I am.

I'll be burger king, and you be McDonald's.

I'll have it my way. You'll be loving it.

Steve, help me put him back.

I'm never going back.

Yes, yes, you are, you evil punani hound.

Mothers, hide your daughters!

Daughters, hide your mothers!

Must stop you! No! Douchebag!

Pussy! Who wants a piece of this?!

Are you a parking ticket?

'Cause you got "fine" written all over you.

You got a band-aid?

'Cause I just scraped my knee falling for you... boom!

We out of here, ladies.

Gentlemen, that's how you close the deal.

Help me.

Sanjay, wait, wait! I'm sorry!

Steve, what did you do?

I thought he was full of it.

Well, you were wrong. You just destroyed a man

who was turning his life around, Steve.

Hey, if you have some free time later,

why don't you run into an airport terminal

and yell "bomb"?

Oh, no, that's his territory.

Wow. She's really pissed.

You know why you did this? You're jealous.

You want Melanie.

I don't see Melanie like that, okay?

Right. You see her naked on a horse.

It was one dream in the 9th grade.

Hey, guys. Just have a seat over there.

I'll be right back.

Who are those guys?

Uh, it turns out Sanjay is a sex addict,

so I tracked down his support group, brought them here.

We're gonna stage an intervention.

Good, because what you did to him sucked, Steve.

I know, and I'm gonna make it right.

And you owe me and Owen some grade "a" punani.

Hey, Steve, I got your message.

Guys, guys... oh, no. No. No.

Neal, we're here to help.

No, I don't need help.

Are those girls sex addicts?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow.

It's time.

Here?

Yes.

Right now?

Mommy calls the shots.

Woof.

Rawr.

I want to thank everybody for coming here today.

We're here to get Neal back on the road to recovery.

Would somebody like to say something to get things started?

Hi. I'm Owen Walsh.

And I'm Ahmed nassar.

And together... We're the sex addicts.

Hi, Owen. Hi, Ahmed.

I'm Hank. I'm just auditing.

What do you say we fall off the wagon for, like, five minutes?

Everyone, really. I'm fine.

In fact, on the way over here,

I hooked up with this naughty chick

using this new app called humper.

It's the greatest.

Man, it finds women near you,

and in minutes, you're doing it.

"Allow humper to use location services"?

Yes, I do.

Do I allow humper to access my bank account?

You bet.

Steve, man, you really don't need to do this, okay?

I'm happy.

If you're happy being Neal,

then why did you sign up for the group in the first place?

Court-ordered. Seriously?

Yeah, it was the day of my grandma's funeral...

Signing in... monsterdong75.

and right when I was supposed to be giving the eulogy,

I was in the embalming room

banging the funeral director's wife in a casket.

That sounds like rock bottom.

I did let my entire family down.

It was the darkest day of my life.

Sanjay, you... you're back. This is great.

This is why we're all here.

I degraded myself

right there in that wood casket with the cushy foam,

scent of mahogany, and those handles on the outside

that are perfect for reverse cowgirl.

You know what? It was awesome.

It was?

Yeah, it was the best sex of my life.

I-I'm sorry.

Am I talking to Neal or Sanjay right now?

I think that Neal and Sanjay have become the same person,

much like my favorite Indian superhero, captain mukopadhyay

and his mild-mannered alter ego, raja rija.

This feels right to me. This... this feels good.

You know, guys, there's nothing wrong with us.

Let's get back to our sex-filled lives!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Guys, guys, guys, I think we're getting off track here.

I'm so sick of this 12-step crap.

You know, sex addiction is bullshit.

Oh, no, no, no. It's very real.

Oh, when was the last time you had sex?

Well, this isn't about me.

Steve's right, everybody. He's right.

We got to get back on track here.

The casket sex... I mean, I need to try that.

I had roller-coaster sex once. It was amazing.

Of course it was, because it's normal.

We've allowed these people to make us feel like freaks,

but no more shame.

No more shame!

Who wants to break into the zoo

and have sex in front of the gorilla habitat?!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

They'll go crazy! Who's with me?!

This feels better than I remember.

So...

Exactly how much cash do you have?

Uh, you just keep walking.

Maybe I'll start talking.

Hey, Jack.

Kinky.

Look, I'm out of here, so enjoy the knives.

I know you cleared out your secret account to pay for them,

but you still owe me $48.

So there's no money?

No, but I'm rich in other ways.

I-I have a beautiful wife and kids.

There is room for a wheelchair ramp in the bar, right?

Why would we need that, sweetie?

Hyah!

Aah!

Take care, guys. Thanks, Steve.

Goodbye, Melanie.

Thank you for everything.

I'm off...

to get off.

Hello. I'm looking for monsterdong75.

Mom?

Oh, mom.

You ready to get off the floor, Jack?

Maybe in a few days.

Well, this should keep you alive.

I'm sorry I got so pissed off before.

Obviously, that guy was not a great choice.

But it would be nice to find someone.

Thanks for looking out for me.

Ah, forget it.

That's what friends do for each other.

Look, when I wanted to drop out of law school,

you convinced me to stay.

I mean, I still wish I had, but, uh, you were there for me.

Yeah, and... and you helped me break up with bill.

I mean, his computer was more important to him than me.

Of course, he was the third employee hired at Google

and is now worth $600 million in stock options.

But, hey, you were there.

Well, let's not give each other advice ever again, okay?

- Deal. - All right.

We've been friends for a long time, huh?

I know. It's good.

Yeah. Yeah, real good.