Original subtitles

Hey. I just passed Luna bar.

There is a line outside the door.

Man, ever since they got this great review

in the Pittsburgh Reader, they've been packed.

We need to get in that magazine.

Forget it. They want hip and trendy.

That's not us.

I disagree. We're young and hip.

Is this mole changing shape?

I thought it was the other arm.

Oh, crap. You're right.

We're getting in that magazine.

I'm just so tired of getting by

and living month-to-month.

You know, I want to get ahead of the game.

I want some security.

I need this bar to be a success.

You know what would be perfect?

If we invited Patrick Ledirk

to the open-mike night.

That's a fantastic idea.

Who the hell is Patrick Ledirk?

He writes the bar reviews for the Pittsburgh Reader.

He loves live entertainment.

I'll just line up some great acts that will blow him away.

If all that fails, we'll do it the old-fashioned way.

We'll get him drunk off his ass, take compromising photos.

Next thing you know, we're in the magazine.

I got your first act right here.

I busted out the old magic kit.

You do magic?

Oh, yeah. I was big back in the day.

I used to play to sold-out crowds at Radio city.

- In New York? - No, no.

The electronics store next to the Sunoco station.

So that's what, a sell-out crowd of 15 people?

[Chuckles]

You know, I didn't quite hear you, Roy.

Seems like I've got something, uh...

But what the hell was that in my ear?

- Wow! - Wow!

You're like the clown

that performed at my 8th birthday party

and then moved in with us for two months.

You know, Owen, I can't understand you with your mouth full.

Whoa!

I don't even remember eating that!

Hank, you're in.

Am I your star? Your bright, shining star?

If you can stay up that late.

I thought you were looking for hip and trendy,

unless you meant replacement hip and trendy.

Dad. Dad, think about it.

We're retro. We're so old, we're new.

And how many places still reek of cigarettes

six years after they banned smoking?

Hey, does anybody else have a talent besides Hank?

I can make a ham.

On stage?

Yeah. Are you kidding me?

People beg me for the recipe.

I don't know. How long does that take?

About three hours.

I don't know that people are gonna sit that long and watch you cook.

Well, I'm not compromising my ham.

[Sarcastically] Oh, no.

What are we gonna do without Roy's three-hour ham act?

You laugh now.

But you'll be begging for my meat.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

♪ Da da da da, da da da, da, da da ♪

♪ da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da ♪

♪ da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! ♪

Hey, guys. Look what I won at work.

"Accountant of the year." Congrats!

Hey! Way to go, hon!

I'm gonna go show mom.

Whoa. You're never gonna get her approval.

I know that.

But I'm feeling so good today that even she can't get to me.

And whatever she gives,

I'm gonna give it right back to her.

Well, my money's on her, but I'm rooting for you.

Hey, mom. Look at this award I won.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Plywood and plastic.

Real awards are made of gold

or the skulls of your enemies.

[As Ok Cha] Real awards are made

from the skulls of your enemies.

[Laughter]

That's totally your mom!

You imitating me?

You imitating me?

[Laughter]

I don't walk like that.

Pay your bar tabs now

or I break your windpipe with my pinky.

[Laughter]

It's dead-on!

It's really good.

And I'm gonna miss you.

You think this is funny?

Well, it's not funny funny.

Why are we out of olives?

Don't encourage my daughter.

- Stop that. - You stop that.

- I'm warning you. - I'm warning you.

- Silence! - Silence!

[Laughter]

It looks like things are going pretty well

for you and Nicolette.

It's insane.

We can't keep our hands off each other.

She's very pretty.

I have never been on a streak like this in my life.

All we do is have sex.

Sex and then more sex.

And you know what we do after that?

Sex.

No. We eat sandwiches.

God, Steve, you have such a one-track mind.

Yeah, I'm a sick puppy.

Hey, did you hear the great news?

My mom and I have an act for your open-Mike night.

Well, uh, I don't know about that, Owen.

This is a huge night for me.

Be... besides, we're going with acts

that are a little more retro.

Then this is perfect.

We pay tribute to American cinema

by re-creating classic movie scenes.

You want to make some movie magic?

You know it.

And...

Action!

♪ Oh, my love... ♪

Oh, God, I hope this isn't going where I think it's going.

Oh, it's going.

♪ Lo-o-o-o-o-ve ♪

♪ I need your love ♪

♪ I, I need ♪

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Owen: Nailed it, right?

No, actually, I stopped it before the nailing part.

It looked like you were gonna... do it with your mom.

That's impossible.

I'm a ghost.

I can't even touch her.

I feel sorry for you, Steve.

You have no imagination.

Anyone else would have loved it.

Wow, babe. You look blown away.

I am.

Yeah, it was really strange watching you and your mom

do that stuff together with the clay.

It's called "chemistry."

It's called "weird."

It's called "punishable by law."

I have to tell you something.

Watching that was really a turn-off.

You mean like, turn off the lights, and let's have sex?

No. Like turn on the lights and call me a cab.

And then we have sex in the cab.

No. No sex... period.

Right now, I don't want to go anywhere near you.

My mom and I won't do the movie stuff anymore.

I'll talk to her, okay?

That's a good start.

Madam, I am now going to help you forget

everything that you've just seen.

When I clap my hands, you will go into a deep sleep.

One, two, three.

[Claps hands]

Holy shit! It works!

Hank, what are you doing? That's, uh, 25-year-old scotch.

Oh, just a little something from back in the day.

Now, as you can see, this is a solid-oak bar.

Whoa.

[Chuckling] That's amazing!

Hank, you are my star.

You're leading off the night.

As it should be.

Hank, I need the scotch back.

Uh, I never learned the "bringing it back" part.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh, God. It's my wife.

She wants me to bring home tampons.

Hey, Hank, can you make her disappear?

No, no. I'm more of a showman.

You know what the act could really use

is a pretty assistant.

Someone to complement my act

with charm, sophistication, tits.

Hey, guys.

Steve: Hey. Melanie!

You know, Hank's looking for an assistant

for his magic act.

How'd you like to get into show business, kid?

You'd really class up the act.

Thanks, Hank. Sure. I'll do it.

Well, here's your costume.

I am not wearing that.

Okay. I understand.

It's just that the last person to wear this

was my departed wife.

I had always hoped that someday,

I'd see another pretty woman in it.

[Sniffles] It's okay.

Her memory doesn't need to be honored.

Aw, Hank, uh, of course I'll do it.

Okay!

Hank, your wife never wore that outfit, did she?

If you ever want to see your expensive scotch again,

you'll mind your own business.

Hey, Steve, Roy and I decided

what we're going to do for open-mike night.

Bobo belinski.

No.

Come on. It's a crowd pleaser.

Yeah, when we were 12 and you did it at camp.

Yeah, how do you think I got to feel up Grace Daniels?

The camp nurse? She was 62.

Hey, a kill's a kill.

Come on. Let us do bobo belinski.

It's retro and trendy.

Fine. I'll sign you up. I left the list upstairs.

Steve, the list is right there. That's a different list.

It says "open-mike sign up list."

Oh, there it is. Yeah. I'll sign you up.

I'll see you guys Sunday.

Steve, open-mike's tonight.

Tonight. I'll see you guys at 11:00.

It starts at 8:00. Right. 8:00. Of course.

Hey, mom?

Yeah, sweetie.

I need to tell you something,

but I don't know how you're gonna react.

I'm on a total sex bender with Nicolette.

Oh, that's my favorite kind of bender.

When Nicolette saw us do our "ghost" thing,

she didn't like it.

It's gonna kill my run.

If we perform, I don't get to perform.

Case closed.

You go home and hit that like a piñata!

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, I got another one.

What's the difference between Godzilla and mom?

Godzilla has less teeth and still speaks better English.

[Laughter]

Wow. I've never seen this side of you, Susan.

You're really funny.

Hey. You know, you should do open-mike night.

Really?

You'd really be helping me out.

People love comedy.

You could help me really make this a big hit.

Then I'd love to!

Great. I'll sign you up. [Chuckles]

Yeah. For her, you'll find the list.

You're doing comedy?

That's right, mom.

Really?

What's your act about?

Here's a hint.

[As Ok Cha] It's not about my father.

Why did I move to a country that allows more than one child?

You done good Steve. Place is buzzing. We got a packed house.

I know, and if we get a good review,

it's gonna be like this every night.

The guy from the Pittsburgh Reader's here...

Patrick Ledirk.

Fantastic.

Hey, Patrick, welcome to Sullivan & son.

I got a V.I.P. table for you right over here.

I assume you don't have free wi-fi,

but please tell me you have somewhere I can plug in my car.

We do have wi-fi. The network name is "Starbucks."

Can I get you something to drink?

Uh, I'll take a gluten-free beer

in a kosher glass with locally-sourced ice.

Wow, this guy is hip.

Wow. That was amazing.

I know.

Usually when I have sex in the bathroom,

I'm by myself.

I'd drag you right back in there,

but my brother's gonna be here any minute.

I can't wait to meet him.

Oh, this is so bittersweet.

I mean, I'm thrilled

that he's having sex in bathroom stalls.

I'm just crushed that we can't do our act together.

Maybe this can help.

Oops. That was supposed to be flowers.

[Chuckles]

Hey, sis.

Eric! Oh!

And you must be "the big o."

I am.

It's nice to finally meet you,

slammin' hot girlfriend's brother.

So, Owen, I hear you and my sister

are having a really good time together.

Yeah, we are.

And the seven orgasms you gave her the other night?

That's a record!

- Sorry? - Don't be. You're a stud.

Wait a minute.

You guys talk about all the sex stuff we do?

Of course. He's my brother.

We tell each other everything.

And here's something she's a little shy to tell you.

Don't be afraid to work the fun bags.

You know what I'm saying, buddy.

You dog. You sick dog!

[Barks, howls]

Up top!

Whoo!

You okay with Susan telling all those jokes about you?

There's no way I'm letting her get on that stage.

Why not?

Can't you just support Susan for a change?

I'm very supportive.

When she wanted to learn how to sew,

who sent her to her uncle's factory in Andong

for the whole summer?

I'd like to welcome everybody

to Sullivan & son's open-mike night!

[Cheers and applause]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome to the stage

Mr. Hank Murphy...

Not only one of Pittsburgh's greatest magicians,

but he's also puked in all three of our rivers!

[Cheers and applause] [Vaudeville music plays on stereo]

Welcome! Welcome!

Also, please welcome my lovely assistant,

the mystic Melanie!

[Cheers and applause]

My first trick comes to us from Mexico.

"Las tres copas."

Uno, dos, tres.

Now, let's call our first cup "Juan."

Aha!

Juan.

Let's call our second cup "Maria."

And let us put them both together.

Let's say "hola"

to the illegal Gonzalez family!

I am the great supremo blanco!

And now I'm going to take an ordinary dollar bill

and fold it.

And will you blow on that, please?

And now, as I unfold it,

it has magically turned into a $100 bill!

Woman: Yeah!

Our Jewish friends love this trick.

Susan, I need you to go on sooner.

You ready? You bet.

Hank: And now, mystic Melanie,

would you please tap the deck?

Now, remember...

When a spade...

Walks into a club...

Hide your diamonds.

Oh, no, I didn't!

And... and, of course, all cards are created equal.

That's it. You're on.

You're gonna be great.

Thanks. Steve, I'm really excited.

[Chuckles]

[Groans] Susan.

Go ahead, mom. Take your best shot.

Whatever you say, it's not gonna bother me.

I'm still going out there.

No shot, Susan.

I just want to say

something I should have said a long time ago.

I support you,

and I'm proud of you.

And now for the comedy stylings of my sister, Susan!

[Cheers and applause]

And Susan!

What are you doing? You're on.

What's the difference between Godzilla and my mom?

Godzilla is a monster, and my mom...

Is [voice breaking] a wonderful person.

[Sobs]

That's not your act, Susan, remember?

Mom's a horrible person.

[Chuckles nervously] A monster.

How dare you?

She's an angel.

A beautiful, beautiful angel.

All right!

How about it for the hip and ironic comedy

of my sister, Susan?

[Light applause]

Hey! Put us on!

Hurry up!

You need bobo belinski!

Let's go!

[Flatly] And now, for an act you'll truly never forget,

ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bobo Belinski.

[Cheers and applause]

Welcome to open-mike night at Sullivan & son!

[Cheers and applause] Ho!

Ooh! There's some popcorn.

I love popcorn.

Not... not that much!

Not... not that much. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

No mo... no more popcorn!

Thank you.

[Chuckles] Really?

And we hope that you've enjoyed seeing Mr. Bobo Belinski

come and visit you all.

No. No!

No!

My doctor said I'm not supposed to have pie!

Stop! No!

No! Stop!

Blood sugar, man!

What are you doing? You're showing your hands.

You're ruining the illusion!

I don't give a shit! You're gonna kill me!

Blood sugar!

[Cheers and applause]

Okay. I think I'm gonna take off.

Bye, sis.

Nice meeting you, Owen.

Uh, you, too.

And you keep plowing my sister like an amish farmer.

She's making us all breakfast thanks to you.

You tell your brother about our sex life?

That's messed up.

He's my brother.

What else are we gonna talk about on Sunday-night dinner?

It's just weird.

Now I can't get the image out of my head.

Well, excuse me for being close to my brother.

Well, excuse me for being close with my mom.

You know what? I'm... I'm not feeling this.

There's something else I got to do.

[Gasps] Where are you going?

To the movies.

Ready to save the galaxy, Mr. Spock?

I was hoping you'd change your mind, captain.

Steve, we want to do our act.

Great. Just what I need.

Don't worry. It's a scene from "Star Trek."

It's between two guys.

You won't have a problem with any of it.

Fine. What have I got to lose?

Thanks. You won't regret it.

And goodbye, Pittsburgh Reader.

[Sighs]

And now for an act

that's truly... Out of this world.

Ladies and gentlemen, Carol and Owen!

[Cheers and applause]

[Dramatic Sci-Fi music plays on stereo]

Spock! You're hurt.

[Deep voice] A mere flesh wound, captain.

But more importantly, is the enterprise safe?

It is.

Don't worry, captain.

It's logical.

Spock, stay with me.

I am, and will always be, your friend,

your loyal, faithful friend.

[Music continues]

Live long...

And...

Prosper.

And scene.

[Cheers and applause]

That was fantastic!

Bravo! That was brilliant.

Finally, someone exposes "Star Trek"

for the homoerotic opus that it is.

What are your names?

I got to put you in the magazine.

Uh, Carol and Owen Walsh.

Ah. Husband and wife?

Mother and son.

Oh.

Gluten-free beer coming back up.

Mom, why did you hug me?

I was just trying to be supportive.

Well, maybe we should try it again.

Ah.

Or we could do this.

It's an oldie but goodie.

Well, I just came to say goodbye.

Yeah, I guess we're over.

I'm sorry I couldn't handle your mom.

Sorry I couldn't handle your brother.

But I love how honest you were.

I loved how honest you were.

You know, there's something kind of attractive about honesty.

Yeah. I've never really been

in an honest relationship before.

Huh. It's kind of hot. Really hot.

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

I love breakup sex.

Oh, God.

Look at this review by the Pittsburgh Reader.

"How do you turn a nice night out

"into a nightmare?

"Stop by Sullivan & son.

"They set the bar low, and then they lower it.

It's a bar filled with freaks, racists, and losers."

[Sighs]

We made the Pittsburgh Reader!

[All cheering]

They may be happy,

but this bar is still not a success.

You may not think so,

but there are different ways to define success.

Thanks to you,

all these people have a place to go,

a home.

Hey, everybody, raise your glasses.

Next round's on the house.

[Bar patrons cheer]

When I clap my hands,

you will no longer be under my spell.

One, two, three.

Hank, it worked.

[Both chuckle]

Supremo blanco strikes again!