All language subtitles for American.Pie.Presents.Band.Camp.2005.UNRATED.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

( Rock music playing )

( Music intensity increases )

*The New Girl's
Just like you *

*Now That I Do,
I'd really like to get
to know you... *

Hey, stifler, how come
steve got all the talent
in your family?

- bite me, fuckface!
- Come on, man, you're
missing it.

Dude, I've seen it
a million times, you fucking
ass booger.

Matt, steve is like
a filmmaking genius.

- a true american hero.
- the tarantino of titties.

Yeah, there's no way
you could ever be
this good.

Hey, look, I'm gonna
prove to steve

that I'm up to the standards
of the stiffmeister productions.

After steve sees
my directing talent,

little bro's joining
the family business.

- is that what he said?
- he finally called you back?

No... But I left him
another message.

He'll get back to me.
It's only been three weeks.

Hey-- gentlefucks,
a toast.

Tomorrow we begin
our reign as seniors!

ALL:
Whoo!

*This Bed Is On Fire
With passionate love *

*The Neighbors Complain
About the noises above *

*But She Only Comes
When she's on top... *

( School band
continues song )

( Cymbals crash )

Okay, people,
let's take a break.

Remember, we play this
at the end of the ceremony,
after "pomp and circumstance."

I don't want anyone
starting the wrong
song again!

- elyse, you need
to relax, girl.
- I'm fine.

I just-- you know,
it's my first time
up here, and--

yeah, but it's graduation.
It ain't the Boston pops.

This performance sets the tone
for our senior year!

Look, you just remember
that everybody here

is pulling for you.

( Rock music playing )

Dork dork dork.

Goose!

- I like them feisty.
- what are you doing here,
stifler?

Hey, we just wanted
to say sayonara, and let
you fucknecks know

we plan on winning
the state title now that the
stiffmeister's running the show.

Adios, butthugger.
( Laughs )

He's a bigger asshole
than his brother.

Holy shit-- arianna.

Matt, what are you
doing here?

We just wanted to make sure
the seniors have a very
memorable last day.

That's cool.
So, there's a campout tonight,

and it's only for the grads,
but-- you could come.

Let me check my schedule.

Hell yeah!

Bring a sleeping bag,

in case we decide to...
Pitch a tent.

Check it out,
perfect timing.

BOY:
Oh, this is gonna
be classic.

Time to initiate
operation gradu-fuck-u-ation.

- this is gonna be awesome!
- oh yeah, jackpot.

Payback, seniors.
Hey, don't get that
pepper spray on your hands.

A graduation gift
from the stiffmeister.

- ooh, ohh!
- ( Laughs )

Dude, we should have
sprayed the diplomas.

Sorry, bandies.
( Laughs )

Bite my nuts
and call me skippy.

- it's a steely dan.
- A what?

It's a double-headed dildo.

- it's a dildo, it's a dildo!
- holy shit.

It's even got
a NAME: Picardo.

- picardo? Spray that shit.
- fuck no!

- finders keepers.
- ( Laughing )

ELYSE:
Okay, everybody,
"pomp and circumstance,"

- Five-minute warning.
Let's go!
- let's get out of here.

( Groans )

- Matt?
- lysie.

How they hanging?
Still small and perky,
I see.

( Chuckles )
Ohh, that's funny.

( Chuckles
sarcastically )
Yeah.

- what are you
doing here, matt?
- uh...

I just came by
to wish you good luck,

- you know, on the whole
music thing.
- good luck?

You haven't said a word to me
since the eighth grade.

Yeah, and that tone of voice
is exactly the reason why.

So I'm gonna
take off now.

( Applause )

Ladies and gentlemen, please
rise to honor our graduates.

The douchebag's
gonna Miss it.

( Playing "pomp
and circumstance" )

( Misses note )

Oh, yes!

Are they crying?

Holy shit!

( Groans )

Yes!

( Laughing )

( Coughs )

- eat shit, seniors.
- oh my god.

( Crowd gasps )

( Moans )
Yeah, oooh!

( Applause, hooting )

- ( Groans )
- stifler!

( Sirens blaring )

I've been waiting for this
moment for a very long time.

And now the day
of reckoning has come.

Hello, matthew.

Your brother must be
very proud.

You've continued his legacy--

tormenting the innocent...

Defiling all that is
good and pure.

But now
you're going down.

Oooh, what are you gonna do,
expel me, "shermanator"?

I am a sophisticated
counseling machine,

sent back in time to guide
young and innocent minds.

My primary directive

is to protect the students
of this institution,

and all-- indeed, all mankind

from the menace that is
another stifler.

Behavior modification
is required.

It's not too late
to change your future.

( Scoffs )

- ( siren blurts )
- no.

Expulsion would be
too easy.

Hmm...

I know the perfect
punishment to fit your crime.

Since you have so much
trouble with the band...

Perhaps you should
make friends with them.

Pffft!
No fucking way!

Either you learn
to be more considerate,

or you will be expelled.
No football.

No parties.

No spring break.
( Echoing )

No graduation.

No college.
No coeds.

¿Comprende?

Pack your bags, stifler.

- you're going to band camp.
- band camp?

*It's A New Day,
But it all feels old *

*It's A Good Life,
That's what I'm told *

- *But everything, it all
just feels the same... *
- bullshit. Trash.

- *At my high school,
it felt more to me... *
- all right, steve!

Valley girls gone wild.

- fuck.
- *My time spent there,
it only made me see *

*That I Don't Ever
Wanna be like you *

*I Don't Wanna Do
The things you do *

*I'm Never Gonna Hear
The words you say *

*And I Don't Ever Wanna,
I don't ever wanna be *

*You... Don't Wanna Be
Just like you... *

MATT:
I told you steve
would get back to me.

I mean, it was just a postcard,
but it gave me a great idea.

Look, steve's
shithead friend jim,

he married this freaking
nympho band-geek michelle.

And he said all they do
at band camp is screw 24/7.

Man, buddy!
You cannot screw
band chicks.

There are standards.

I'm not talking about
screwing 'em, scrotum breath.

I'm talking about
videotaping them.

People love to see dorks
doing that freaky shit
on hidden video.

"Bandeez gone wild."

Steve's gonna have some
competition now

'cause little bro's joining
the family business.

*You... Don't Wanna Be
Just like you... *

- yeah, spy chest!
- *You...

- secret video.
- *Don't wanna be
just like you... *

- hell yeah.
- ( Beeps )

Colored night vision?
I'll take it, shit.

- *You... Don't wanna be
just like you... *
- uh-huh.

- Cool.
- *What I'm sayin' is
this is the anthem *

- *Throw all
your hands up... *
- How about tomorrow?

- geez, this is gonna be great.
- *Sing if you're with me,
you! *

*Don't Wanna Be Just Like You,
Just like you *

*This Is The Anthem,
Throw all your hands up *

*Y'all Got To Feel Me,
Sing if you're with me *

*Another Loser Anthem.

( Crowd cheering )

- welcome to tall oaks 2005.
- ( Cheering )

Let's hear it from
lloyd memorial high!

L-l-o-y-d!

L-l-o-y-d!

- mount St. Marie!
- ( Chanting ) mount St. Marie!
Mount St. Marie!

- east great falls high!
- east great falls!
Hoo-ha!

East great falls!
Hoo-ha!

And five-time defending
tall oaks cup champion,

- beechwood academy!
- we're number one!
We're number one!

- we're number one!
- ( Jeering )

As you know, each year,
one senior tall oaks composer

is awarded
a full scholarship

to the prestigious
robards conservatory.

Elyse, this is
your year to win!

DIRECTOR:
This year, Dr. Susan choi,
president of robards

will judge
the compositions herself.

And let's not forget
to welcome

- the tall oaks camp counselors!
- ( cheering )

If you visit our infirmary,
nurse sanders will take care
of your every need.

( Crowd boos )

Okay, so let's work hard,

- and may the best band win!
- ( Cheering )

You guys ready?

( Chatting )

It's gonna be
a good competition
this year.

Yeah, very superior.

What the fuck?

Are you a rookie?
You look lost.

Are you an asshole?
You're hairy and you
smell like shit.

I'll... I'll ignore
that kind of talk.

Once.
We don't speak
that way here.

Rookies are to wear
their beanies at all times.

- those are the rules.
- and who made you the mayor
of geektown?

I'm brandon vandecamp,
senior drum major
of beechwood academy,

and the president
of the tall oaks council.

Oh?
And who are they,
Mr. President?

The first lady
and vice-pussy?

- suits you well.
- golly jeepers, thanks.

Hey, you know, since
I'm an official band geek
and all,

can you guess what my favorite
piece of music is?

- I have no idea.
- "the nutcracker."

- come on with it!
Step back, bitch.
- holy mother of mozart.

- hyah! Suck on some.
- this is bad.

You didn't know
jackie chan was in
the house, did you?

- stop that.
Stop that now!
- hah!

- those knob-slobbers
started it!
- that's not true, sir.

We simply reminded him to wear
his beanie and then he viciously
assaulted brandon's genitals.

That's a lie,
you dick snot!

Oscar, jimmy,
escort this man to see...

- the macro.
- ( Gasps )

- the what?
- you're dead.

Now, gentlemen!

My god, brandon,
are you okay?

You want to tell me
what the hell you're
doing here, stifler?

It don't matter, big o.
He ain't gonna be here long.

- bitch!
- OSCAR: Get over here.

Macro gonna fuck
your ass up, fool.

- what the fuck's a macro?
- The macro.

Moral and conflict
resolution officer.

I heard this one time,
this kid when into that office

a baritone and came out
a soprano.

Clarinet up the ass
backwards, yo.

- what?
- ( muffled screaming )

( Knocks )

( Snorts )
Pussies!

( Groaning )
No! Don't!

( Organ music playing )

( Slams door )

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frankenstein. scary stuff.

( Chuckles )

I am just
a boris karloff nut.

I'm the macro,
Mr. Levenstein.

Holy shit,
you're jim's dad!

He screwed that
redheaded nympho chick
at my lake house.

- ( Chuckles )
- oh my. You're not a stifler?

Yeah, I'm steve's
brother matt.

There are two stiflers?

Yes, sir!
Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, well well, jim is now
out of the house,

married to michelle,
that redheaded nympho chick
that you spoke of.

And being a former tall oaks
counselor of the year,

she was hired to be
the macro this summer,

but she got pregnant.

Uh, no doubt due
to the tendencies you
alluded to earlier.

And I have a great rapport
with young people,

so I just stepped in
and volunteered.

That cretin is not in our band
and we are not responsible
for his actions!

- who pissed in your piccolo?
- I'm sensing some hostility.

- he poisoned my band!
- I am the macro and it's
my job to deal with--

what is he doing here?!
Matt stifler is pure evil
just like his brother!

- --conflict.
- thanks, lysie.

( Growls )

- she seems nice.
- ( door slams )

There are rules, of course.
You will have to wear
a beanie.

- yeah, ri--
- oh, I know.
It's a little silly,

but it's tradition here.
Something you're
familiar with,

being on the football team,
I'm sure,

with your elephant walks
and circle jerks and
drinking butt-beer.

But here you just have
to wear a silly little hat

- and a somewhat stylish
tall oaks t-shirt.
- yeah!

So just go
with the flow, matt,

- and you will
have loads of fun.
- ( muffled music playing )

And you'll be making
new friends in no time.

Oh, hey!
Ernie kaplowitz,
tenor sax.

Cool!
I'm a rookie here too.

I really wanted to come
last year, but computer camp
conflicted and--

oh yeah, that was here
when I arrived.

I think it has
your name on it.

What is it?

Hi. Welcome to
casa stifler.

I'll be your host matt.
Every day here I'll make it
my sincere goal

not to have to kick your ass.
Allow me to show you to
your new accommodations.

- ( Grunts )
- when I'm out here,
you're in there.

( Stammers )

Have a great day, fucko.

- I don't want to live--
- oh.

Okay, I'll just go ahead
and put this stuff
away for you.

All right!
Oh, bandie-vision.

This is
the 1978 Ohio state show,
the wizard of oz.

The one where
the sousaphone player
forgot to dot the "I"?

Oh, hey.

( Scoffs )
Yeah, right!

Freaks!

Never fear,
the stiffmeister's here.

And band camp just got
a whole lot better, ladies.

You're steve stifler's
younger brother,
aren't you?

- young and hung.
- great.

- could you send him
a message for me?
- no problem, senorita.

( Laughs )

( Friend giggles )

Well, it looks like
steve gave someone the old
stifler bang 'n' boot.

Hmm?
( Chuckles )

- is there a problem here?
- no, everything's fine.

- have fun at band camp.
- thank you, I will.

- later.
- word.

You need to start
showing some respect
around here, stifler.

You need to show yourself
back to your table, big dawg.

Outta my way, yo!

Pffft.

Hola, chicas.

Elyse, so good
to see you again.

So what's going on tonight?
Are we gonna party,
get a little crazy?

Who wants to rack up a few
frequent fucker miles?

- you are the most obnoxious--
- the most sexy man ever to come
to band camp.

What?!
Chloe, he is
so obnoxious--

- he's sexy obnoxious.
- thank you.

I'm tired of messing around
with these dorky-ass nice guys

and "sensitive"
Artist types.

Let's party
with a real hombre tonight.

Hell yeah,
that's me!

- 100% hombre.
- All right, my room, 8:00.

Levenstein on PA:
Great first day, campers.

This is your... Macro speaking

and, hey, morale couldn't
have been higher today.

So hop in the sack and get
a good night's sleep

because starting tomorrow
we have many many exciting
activities planned,

not the least of which is
the race for the tall oaks cup.

So let the games begin!

"Bandeez gone wild,"
Scene ONE:

Party hombre.

( "Get this party started"
Playing )

It's called strip trivia.
We made it up.

It's a band camp
tradition.

"Fourth and long,
sextuplets, bangin' babes,"
And "who blew me?"

This looks like
my kind of game!

Shall we play?

You, sit in the middle.
Your game, my seating chart.

Sit a little closer, ladies.
Don't be scared, it's all right.

Okay,
the rules are simple.

You choose a category
and a question,

and every time you Miss,
you strip.

Hell yeah!
I'll go first.

Who blew me?
( Snickering )

Elyse: okay.

*I Can Go For Miles...

I am a silver
stradivaris trumpet

played by a pulitzer-prize
winner.

- who blew me?
- yeah, like I'd know.

Sorry.
Lose the shoes
and pick again.

You didn't tell me this shit
was about music!

Well, it is
band cam moron.

Hey, to be fair
maybe we should just
give him a head start.

*Cruising Through
The westside, we'll be
checking the scene... *

Well, all right.
Yeah.

Uh uh, okay.
All right, all right!

*You'll Be
Kissing my ass... *

What's wrong with you,
scared to show off
the mosquito bites?

I've matured since
the fourth grade, matt,
have you?

Oh, I got 10 lbs. Of dangling
maturity right here, lysie!

- quit calling me that!
- okay okay, moving on.

Matt, just pick
another question,
please.

All right, screw it.
Whatever.

Here you go.

- Suck on that.
- oh-ho!

- fourth and long.
- sure, no problem.

*Get This Party
Started... *

Of beethoven's major symphonies,
which has the longest
fourth movement?

All right, I see
where this is going.

Fine, you win.

( Growls )

*Making My Connection
As I enter the room... *

- I free-ball, ladies.
- ( Gasps )

Gotta let the big boys breathe.
We play by my rules now.

- ( Groaning )
- football questions only.
Prepare to strip, ladies.

Wait, but first does
anybody want a beer?

I do.

The counselors have
a secret stash in the--

fridge across the hall.
Would you mind?

Now we're talking about
a fucking party!

- stiffy'll be back in a jiffy.
- ah ah ah!

I mean there's
nobody around

- and we haven't seen
your best side yet.
- ( laughs )

*I'm Coming

*I'm Coming Up So You Better
Get this party started... *

( Whispers )
Yes, we got him!

*You Better,
I'm coming up *

He's so busted!

*So You Better Get
This party started... *

Whoo.

Man, big boys wake up.

Just gotta turn down
the ac in there, huh?

Good night, girls.

*So You Better Get
This party started *

*You Better...

Sorry, asshole,
game's over!

Yeah, the "big boys" will
love the long walk home!

- ( knocks )
- Room check, girls.

*Get This Party
Started... *

- oh shit.
- ditch his clothes.

Out the window!

All right, who wants
a long-neck?

Hey, uh... Oh, um...

Nurse sander--

*Get This Party Started.

- they set me up!
- he attacked up
with pepper spray.

- ruined our graduation.
- I went over for
a friendly game.

Hold it,
hold it, kids!

Okay, where are your clothes?

- I have them.
- may I ask why?

- they got me naked
and stole my clothes.
- Oh, whatever!

He took his own pants down.
Now he know what it's like
to be humiliated.

- ( Both shouting )
- ( Air horn blowing )

Lemme see if I have
this straight.

Elyse, you think matt is
an arrogant jock who
wears his penis

on his forehead just
to gain the approval of
his sociopathic brother.

And matt, you think elyse
is an uptight geeky prude

who needs to loosen up
and get laid.

- ( Gasps )
- excuse the expression, dear.
Is that on the money?

Look, kids, the only way
to solve your differences

is by working together.

So why don't you start tomorrow
by putting one foot

in front of the other.

ELYSE:
Left flank, hut!

Turn and hut!

Ha!

- ( Groaning )
- what the fuck?

( Blows whistle )

Band, ten hut!

When I yell "band,
ten hut," you snap--
firmly at attention.

Oh, you want to see me
firmly at attention?

- I already have.
I wasn't impressed.
- oh-- ooooh.

- ( Laughs )
- look!

We've never beaten
beechwood, okay?

For some of us,
it's our last shot.

- just stop screwing up, okay?
- girl: yeah, asshole.

- okay, people, back to work.
Let's go!
- whatever.

- I don't need this shit.
- reset the block.

Front ranks
right here.

( Distant marching band
playing )

( Falsetto )
Housekeeping.

( Electronics whir )

- hi guys.
- oscar, you brought me
something to drink.

- come on now.
- aw, good looking out, baby.

- guy: aww.
- Thank you.

Hey, it's ernie crapowitz.
So you finally came out
of the closet, good for you.

( Fake laugh )

Look, I want to know what
goes on at night, all right?

All the crazy shit,
naked pillow fights, whatever.

Do I look like the guy
that's in charge of the
naked pillow fights, huh?

It's my first time here.
Notice the beanie?

Yes, yes I do.

You know, speaking of beanies,
where's yours, stifler?

You're still not following
the rules, huh?

- he's getting in trouble again.
- No standard issue tall oaks
t-shirt,

and no beanie, I believe
that's two points from
great falls, Mr. Nelson.

I tell you what,
"vandercramp,"

What if I took his beanie
and put it on my wienie?

How do you
like that, vandercramp?
It's on my head, right?

- Huh?
- make it five points
from great falls.

- five points?!
- man, this place
sucks donkey ass!

( Sniffs, groans )

Put your beanie on, son.

Five points?
( Breathes heavily )

( Bird hooting )

- What the--
- stay still.

- Stop moving!
- he ain't going
nowhere now, yo.

This isn't your world.
This is our world and we
don't want you in it.

You already cost us
five points in the standings,
we can't have that.

Set the man up
with his beanie.

( Muffled objections )

- now you're representing, fool.
- and this toothpaste,

this will make up
for the pepper spray,
asshole.

( Splurts )

Aw, shit!

I'll get the paint thinner
from maintenance.

Animals.

Matt, uh...

You were sent here
to make a change.

And so far you've only
had your sinuses sanitized.

So I think it's time
to try a new approach.

Make some friends.

Earn their trust.

Why would I want
to earn their trust?!

( Exhaling )

- ( Snorting )
- Good.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Welcome to stifler-vision.

GIRL:
Um, I think he's at
the cymbal class at 1:00.

- girl #2: oh, I hate that.
- Yeah, but it's better than
the baseball relay.

- ( robotics whirring )
- That's true...

Counselors gone wild.

- Yours look totally fantastic.
- Two for the price of one.

- My left one's bigger, see?
- yeah, mine too, baby!

Oh, they can
totally fix that.

Hey, that shampoo
smells awesome.

Thanks. I get it from this lady
who does my bikini wax.

Brazilian or playboy?

I get mine customized.
Wanna see?

MATT:
Oh, yeah, show me!

Oh, my god, how cute!

- It's a little music note.
- no!

It's a b-flat--
just like I used to be.

- lens fog? No!
- ( Whirring )

Come here!

- what is that thing,
butt weasel?
- ( laughs )

It's the kr3, baby,
the kaplowitz remote
robotic rover.

And you are so busted!
Hey, oscar, somebody
call the macro!

- Help!
- dude, shut up. Pull your
panties out of your ass!

Uh-- uh-- I can help you
with that chick.

- what chick?
- dude, the one
with all the tattoos--

- "the tubinator."
- her name is chloe!

Oh, come on, man.
I can help!

I'm the stiffmeister,
master of love and romance.

Bullshit!

I nailed three cheerleaders
in one week on spring break--

college cheerleaders!

( Faintly )
Three?

( Kr3 beeping )

And I know why
your cameras fritzed out.

Dude, this thing
is awesome!

You ever use this
to look up chicks' skirts?

( Chuckles ) no!
But I did use it to win the
state science fair last year.

And I'm hoping it gets me
into mit next fall.

I really want
to work for nasa.

National anal sex association?

No, it's space-- wait a minute
there's an anal sex association?

Oh yeah,
but you gotta be a pro.

( Laughs )

There's a space association?

You were supposed
to use this.

See, it's got
an antifog lens, duh.

Yeah, good.

Ooh, can the robot record?

All right, so what are
your intentions?

With the video, I mean,
what are you doing?

Oh, it's just for fun.

I mean who doesn't like to look
at hot naked chicks, right?

Keep it between us and I'll
let you watch, hmm?

- ( Snickers )
- plus I'll have you

giving chloe the pelvic noogie
inside a week.

- ( knocks )
- guy: hey, stifler?

- Phone.
- andy: we're in detroit!

Locked into sweet
brazilian rum,

I'm fucking fubar, man.

I sent you rum today.
It could come in handy
in dorksville.

Man, this place blows!

Hey, my roommate Dr. Robot

busted me taping some
college chicks in the shower.

So now I have to be
all nice to him and shit.

And I'm not getting
any good footage because
these fucking bandies hate me.

Uh, think of it like trying
to hook up with a virgin.

Act like you give a shit
about them till they bring
you into the good stuff.

Earn their trust?

Dude, that could work.

( Laughs )
I'll be an undercover
bandie fucker.

Hello, everyone.
Isn't it a peachy day
here at band camp?

Band buds, how's it going?
Yo!

Hey, I just wanted to say
thanks for the little
wake-up call.

You kidders.

Hey, I can finally hear
the music calling me, okay?

- ( distant band playing )
- there, hear it?

Yeah, me too.
Look, so I'm a totally
new man,

and, uh, oh by the way,
you both look great
in panty hose.

Huh?
( Laughs )

- ( Sighs ) what are you doing?
- awaiting my marching lesson,
ma'am.

Look, matt, I really don't
have time for this right now.

No, look, I figure I'm here,
I might as well make
the best of it.

Matt, marching's hard, okay?
It's not like throwing
some football.

You ever thrown
into double coverage?

You ever high-stepped
at double time?

Yes, ma'am.
The time the cops chased us
across koreno's creek.

And you got so scared
you cried.

I had allergies.

It was winter, matty.

Well, if you don't teach me
to march, I might just
cry again.

( Band playing )

Fine.

Left foot on one and three,
right foot on two and four.

You have to do math?

One, two, three, middle!
One, two, three, line!

Right foot on four.

One, two, three, four.
Keep your step size even.

My what?

All right, there we go,
little buddy.

I'm gonna fix you up good.

Hah.
Any girl that knows how
to play a tuba, she can...

Do things.
That's what-- that's what
stifler says.

I don't know what it means
but I-- it's gotta be good.

You're good to go.
Let's go find chloe.

( Rock music playing )

*Add It Up, All The Times
You've had enough *

- *Waterworks...
- ( Gasps )

- holy shit.
- *And endless,
sleepless nights... *

What the hell?
Who's doing this?

*H old It Back,
When the time comes... *

- take it. It's okay.
- *To attack, you'll be ready

*They'll Say
"You were right" *

- *And they'll be
coming back to see... *
- thanks, little creepy machine.

- you're welcome,
beautiful lady.
- *Everything that I've seen

*Get It, Got It? Go!

*'Cause You're Gonna Show
That you're gonna go *

*All The Way,
All the way *

*You've Gotta Take It
If you wanna make it... *

With my right,
with my right.

But I can also do it
with my left, with my left.

- booty!
- ( Applause, cheers )

Good game, whoo!
Good game, good game, good game.

Good game, whoo!

You just touched my booty.

( Sniffs )

- what's that?
- your instrument.

That's fucking gay.

- I mean lame.
- good.

Now, there are
two positions.

Carrying position,
like this.

And playing position,
like this.

Now, when I call horns up!
You're going to move
your instrument out,

- and then--
- hello, losers.

Matt, oh my god.
Matt, I am so sorry!

- I think I bit
a hole in my tongue.
- oh, let me see.

- No, no hole.
- on today's episode...

- Wasting time
on lost causes.
- ( Mumbling )

Speaking of which, I understand
you composed the music
to your show, elyse--

- if you call that music.
- yeah, that's right, I did.

And who'd your daddy hire
to compose yours?

I'm just giving you
fair warning, cupcake,

robards scholarship
is mine.

Like you need it.

It-- it's not
a matter of need,
it's a matter of want.

- yeah, I get what I want.
- why don't you thut
the thuck up?

- matt, don't.
- oooh-hoo-hoo.

- what are you gonna do?
- kick your aths.

Are you challenging me?

- no, brandon, that's not--
- yeah, what if I am?

- no, brandon, that is
not what he's doing!
- I accept.

Amphitheater, 5:00.

It's been three years
since I've been
challenged--

- oh, we got a challenge!
- ( Cheering )

I look forward to
reminding people why.

East great falls,
hoo-ha.

- I'll thee you there, athshole.
- East great falls, hoo-ha.

- do you know what you just did?
- it doesn't matter, fucker's
going down!

Matt, you challenged
him to a duel.

- with thwords?
- no, you idiot!

You each get
onstage and perform.
The crowd decides who wins.

Can't we just do
keg stands?

Matt, this is serious, okay?

Beechwood gets
five points if he wins.

Which, you know, he will
because he plays an instrument!

Well, tho do I.

- ( Cheering )
- Let the tall oaks
battle royal begin!

The prize is five points
towards the cup.

Okay, brandon,
you're up first.

( Drum solo playing )

( Scattered applause )

- ( Cheering )
- that's right!

( Cheering )

- ( crowd jeers )
- oh!

- hoo-ooo-hoo.
- bravo.

Loser.

( Moaning )

- boy: neanderthal!
- huh?

GIRL:
Oh, come on!

- boy #2: doofus!
- suck on that--

bitch.
Ugh-ugh-ugh.
( Laughs )

- girl: lame!
- this is so embarrassing.

- nelson: okay, brandon.
- girl: you show them, brandon!

- One more time!
- Come on, brandon!

( Yawns )

( Cheering )

Take that!

( Cheering )

( Chuckles )

NELSON:
Well, well...

- it seems this contest is over.
- ( Louder cheering )

It figures--
we just lost five points.

- the winner by forfeit is--
- ( bagpipes playing )

We're gonna lose--

( Playing "play that
funky music, white boy" )

- ( Laughing )
- ( crowd cheering )

*Lay Down The Boogie
And play that funky music
till you die *

*Play That Funky Music,
White boy *

- *Play That
Funky music, right... *
- you don't know the words.

*Play That Funky Music,
White boy *

*Lay Down That Boogie
And play that funky music
till you die. *

( Cheering )

( Groaning )

He should shave that.

East great falls,
hoo-ha!

East great falls, hoo-ha!

East great falls,
hoo-ha!

- East great falls, hoo-ha!
- ( cheering )

- okay, five points
to great falls.
- ( Shrieks )

- ( Cheering )
- all right, great falls!

All right,
east great falls!

Give it to me, baby.

East great falls, hoo-ha!
East great falls, hoo-ha!

East great falls,
hoo-ha!

Hey hey hey
hey--

- hey hey hey hey--
- what?!

- are you really scottish?
- fuck no!

- ( Oscar laughs )
- my mom made me learn
an instrument.

That's the most annoying one
I could think of.

I think you were just
born to squeeze sacks
and blow pipes, stifler.

- ( Laughing )
- girl: hey, oscar?

- go, go over there, oscar.
- go.

- go.
- go.

- what's up?
- your drumline
sounds pretty tight.

- oh, thanks.
- let me know if you want
to learn some new moves.

Really?

- he's gonna screw it up.
- hey!

Thanks for winning
those points back.

I lost them, I had
to get them back.

OSCAR:
Hey guys!

- sheree's gonna
show me some moves!
- ( cheering )

Hey gang,
just a little reminder

that as the battle
for the cup heats up,

let's try to remember
to keep up that tall oaks'
spirit of fair play

and friendly competition.

We'll have enough spit
for a six-pack.

- yeah, baby,
you did me proud, son.
- thanks, j-lo.

That's cool.
Big o?

Quite a little show
you put on yesterday,
stifler.

You know these plebes think
you're some kind of hero.

I don't know what
a plebe is, vandercreep,

but didn't anybody tell you
not to mess with the big dawg
while he's eating?

Hmm?
Huh-uh?

- mmm.
- GUY: Now will you
give it back?!

- dildos.
- this is still
my camp, asshole.

- You're going down.
- no, I'm not.

But your mom did last night.
Did she play the trumpet because
she has really strong lips?

- ( Laughs )
- jimmy: that's right!

Mmm.

Mm-mm-mm!

Yummy.

That's what
I'm talking about!
Whoo!

- what happened
this time, claire?
- I was working in my solo,

and I hurt myself.

I've been
fucking poisoned.

Ipecac is a natural
herbal extract

that triggers
the regurgitation
reflex.

Whatever's in there
should be out
soon enough.

Like him,
if we're lucky.

Well, I'm pretty sure
it's just something you--

had for lunch.
You know I've got
the same problem.

Very sensitive stomach.
I was at a banquet once.

On the same plate if you
can believe it, they had

creamed venison,
squid fritters
and jellied pork.

( Retching )

What?

( Retching continues )

( Rapping )

( Laughs )
Hey, what's up, crust bucket?

Come here, dude.
Check this out.

So this afternoon while
the counselors were practicing
for the talent show,

I faked an asthma attack
and I changed both
of the cameras.

What the hell
are they doing?

It's their talent show
routine, au natural.

Oh, you filthy little
cyber fucker.

- shit.
- hey hey, I thought we
were just gonna watch.

Exactly!
We may want
to watch it again.

( Cheering )
Counselors gone wild!

Dancing white ta-tas!

Hey, so I took
your advice about chloe.

I used the rover
to deliver her a soda.

That was your
cool crazy idea?

Yeah, I think she
actually liked it.

Yeah, that sounds gay.

- it's not gay!
- whoa.

Anyway, there's this bonfire
slushee party tonight,

and I really
need to know step two
in the stiffmeister plan.

Slushee party...

Really?

Special delivery!
Prepare to jam with
the bearded clam.

Get ready to cuddle
the love puddle.

The time has come
for Dr. Robot to get laid!

Get laid?

I told you,
trust the stiffmeister.

"Meister" means master
in german.

Get her drunk?
That's the secret
of the ages?

- that's step number two?
- no, actually it's step four.

But you don't have the balls
for two or the tongue for three.

I've got the balls.

Hey, you haven't heard
step five yet.

( "Born to be wild" playing )

*Born To Be Wild

*Whoo!

( "Hot blooded" playing )

( Off-key )
*Well, I'm Hot Blooded,
Check it and see *

*I've Got
A fever of 103 *

*Come On, Baby,
Do you do more than dance? *

- ( Laughing )
- *Hot blooded...

- this is some good shit.
- don't enjoy it too much.

We have a big practice
tomorrow, you guys.

- relax, lysie, suckle the
tender fruits of band camp--
- sheree: hey, oscar?

--With your friends.

CHLOE:
Come on, elyse,
cut loose a little bit.

- have some fun.
- I am having fun.

Hey, horndog, let's go
get some more of these
before they run out.

- a'ight.
- horndog?

Yeah, it's his nickname.
Dude'll stick his dick into
anything-- it's unnatural.

Check it, dawg.

- this one time at band camp,
I fucked an oboe.
- ( Chokes )

- Really?
- blow in it for a while,

get that wood nice and warm,
slap on some valve oil

- and go to town, yo!
- maybe you should try a flute.

( Laughs )

- SHEREE: Hey.
- hey.

- now's a good time
to teach you those moves.
- really?

- huh.
- ( Sighs )

What?

( Both chuckle )

( Slurps )

- I know what you're doing.
- you do?

It's what you always do.
You're a fake.

You do whatever it takes to be
the center of attention.

Just like when we were kids?
Around me you were
regular old matt,

but around steve
and his friends,
you were the stiffmeister.

Who are you gonna be tonight?

( Mimics matt )
Hey, cheesedick!

Why don't you quit being
such a fucking taint licker
and get me another slushee?

( Laughs )
Fucking pus monkey.

( Cackles )

You know what?
I am gonna have some fun.

Fucking hos, man.
I don't get that shit.

I mean right now, oscar's off
in the woods tapping that
counselor biatch sheree.

- what's up with that?
- that cockspring's
getting laid?

True, dat.
And here we are, the two
dopest homeboys in camp,

and we ain't got no prospects
for our palm pilots.

Das fucked up, dawg.

Dude, I gotta see this.

( Oscar giggles )

- sheree: use your hips more.
- Like that?

Yeah, now faster, yeah!
Whoo! Like that.
In a circle.

( Australian accent )
Crikey, the alpha female
has chosen an unlikely mate.

Will he survive
this dangerous encounter?

Or will she satisfy
her primal needs and then
devour him for dinner?

Stay tuned.

OSCAR:
I'm sorry, I'm really
no good at this... Stuff.

Relax.
You're doing fine.

Oh, this sucks.

How's that feel?
Oscar!

Is that your drumstick
poking me?

( Chuckles )
I don't have
my drumsticks.

Are you standing up
for me again, oscar?

It's getting hot.

Smack my ass
and call me cowboy!

Hello, double-d sheree.

Hips hips,
use your hips.

- oh yeah, hips.
- and step, and--

matt LAUGHS:
Who knew?

Wow!

- oh, shit!
- you're a sweet guy, oscar.

MATT: Bandeez gone wild,
scene 69--

double-d sheree and big o!

( Rapping )
*Yo! We At Tall Oaks
Sippin' on juice *

*Got Horns, Trumpets,
Rhythm and flutes *

*Great Falls
Laying it down *

*Gonna Ride Fuckin' Beechwood
Out of the town *

*Jc, What?
Rockin' the bunch *

*All Tripped Out
On the fuckin' fruit punch! *

- *Ow!
- ( Cheering )

Are you sure about this?

- I just wanna be respectful.
- oh, that's sweet.

But right now I just want
you to respect me
real hard and fast.

Lucky son of a bitch.

You're the only person gonna
get laid around here.

( Oboe playing )

Hello, oboe.

This is so cool.

I hope I didn't
scare you with the--

- the rover and the soda.
- no, man, it was cute.

Nobody's ever been--

that sweet to me
in my whole life.

Plus, to be honest,

metal really turns me on.

Oh-hh...

( Gasping )

( Stifler moaning )

Man, this shit's stuck.

( Grunting )

( Weak oboe notes )

( Sputtering, squeaking )

Argh, turn off
the lights!

Damn, gangsta!
I was just fucking
with you, dawg!

- it's stuck!
- shit. You want help?

No, don't touch me!
( Grunting )

- come on!
- jimmy: maybe you
should blow on it?

MATT:
Maybe you should blow
on it and I'll pull.

Hell no, jimmy ain't putting
his lips on that thing!

Maybe jimmy should be
a team player.

- Try and relax, dawg.
- Not so hard, man!

Oh my god!

JIMMY:
I was just trying
to help him get it off, yo.

- dude, shut up!
- whatever.

He had
an allergic reaction
to the valve oil.

The swelling should go down
in a few minutes.

These kinds of things
would never have happened
with our old macro.

We didn't have mtv
when I was growing up.

So maybe it's
the overstimulated times
that we

live in that causes young men
to stick their--

instruments
in such odd places.

I knew a certain young man once
who actually engaged

in sexual congress
with an apple pie,

and he turned out just fine.

So, uh, you're perfectly
normal...

As these things go.

( Groans )

Hey!

- are you okay?
- oh yeah.

I'm so drunk right now,

I'm probably gonna
forget about you...

Porking an oboe.
( Laughs )

( Shrieks )

( Rock music playing )

I have six piercings.

That doesn't include
the ones on my face.

( Whimpers )

Two right here.

And four... Down here.

*Tonight I Want You
In my arms *

- *It's not the end, no...
- ( Elyse singing )

*Tonight,
I'll place you safe... *

I haven't seen
that in a while.

Yeah well,
no time for dance.

It's all about band
band band.

- I was talking about
you having fun.
- I have fun.

- I have fun all the time.
- yeah.

I just get
stressed out, you know?
I mean--

- ( Laughs )
- careful.

--We graduate next year
and I don't know-- I don't
talk about it all that much

because the cup is like
a team thing--

but winning
the robards scholarship,

I mean, that is like
my future, you know?

And Dr. Choi is coming.

I mean,
you don't understand.

She's like famous,
like holy shit famous.

And sometimes I just...

I get really stressed out
and I calm myself down

by going off
and playing on my picardo.

W--w-- wait.

- you have a picardo?
- just a cheapie,
but I lost it.

( Laughs )
If I somehow found
this picar--

- you found it?
- maybe.

- give it back!
- if you let me watch.

Okay, but... It takes me
a while to warm up.

I have all the time
in the world.

( Laughs )

Figures.

But I'm gonna--
be really drunk.

I mean really dr--
really drunk!

- ( Laughing )
- yes!

- girl: beat it, jerkoff!
- ( Coughs )

ELYSE:
Okay, people,
let's take a break.

Ow!

We're all a little
sluggish today.

- man, we suck!
- one night of fun

was not worth losing
a whole day of practice.

- gimme this thing.
- ( Elyse groans )

All right, listen up,
you lazy bunch
of lipshits.

Those beechwood plebes
aren't taking breaks.

If we want to win this thing,
we've got to bust our asses.

Come on, bitches.
Back to work!

- matt, that's my job.
- Grab your cocks and move
your socks.

We're all at war here,
people, war!

Show some tits,
grow some balls.

Keep that thing
warm for me.

Now, what?
You wanna let beechwood
titty-fuck us?

- I didn't think so!
- levenstein: all right,
tall oakers,

we're in our final week.
Time to put on our game faces.

And time to strap yourselves in
for a bumpy ride.

I want the oboe, clarinet,
black thingies

and we've got the rhythm section
in a full-on blitz.

- are you with me, bandies?
- ( Cheering )

NELSON:
The competition for the tall
oaks cup is really heating up.

*...You're Away...

Beechwood wins!

- ELYSE: You're
a terrible driver.
- whatever!

I told you
you should let me steer.

Take that bass home, man!
Drive it in!

Hey you, fuck face, I don't even
know where to start with you!

*Hey, You Know
They're all the same *

*You Know You're Doing
Better on your own... *

NELSON:
Beechwood leads, great falls
and lloyd are tied for second.

- beechwood licks nuts. Hut!
- *Live right now

*Just Be Yourself

*It Doesn't Matter
If it's good enough *

- *For someone else...
- nelson: victory,
east great falls.

*It Just Takes Some Time,
Little girl *

- *You're in the
middle of the ride... *
- right foot on line.

*Everything Will Be
Just fine... *

Jimmy, you fucking
lotion lover.

*Will Be All Right,
All right *

*It Just
Takes some time *

*Little Girl,
You're in the middle
of the ride... *

NELSON:
East great falls
by four points.

*Everything, Everything
Will be all right,
all right. *

ERNIE:
Hey, butt pirates ahoy.

You're little band may be
leading in the competition,
stifler...

But make sure to let us know
if you get thirsty.

Yeah, because there's
plenty of this...
( Hawking )

- ( Brandon chuckles )
- ( Matt chuckles
sarcastically )

That's funny for you dorks.
Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Man, screw that challenge,
I'm just gonna kick his ass!

No no, wait.
I've got a better idea--

if you think
you're man enough.

( Weak whistling )
Yes!

Hey, you sure
you can do this?

Hey, born to be
a porn star, baby.

Delivery on demand!

- ( Laughs )
- when I get back, I'll be
a million stiflers lighter.

( Cackling )

MAN: Hey, occupado.
Sorry.

- oh...
- ( flies buzzing )

( Man farts )

Dude!
How about a courtesy flush?

I'm trying to concentrate
in here.

Sheree.

*I Love Myself
I want you to love me *

Matty.

Double-d sheree.

*I Touch Myself

*I Want You To Find Me

*I Forget Myself

*I Want You To Remind Me

There we are!

*When I Think About You
I touch myself *

*Oh, I Don't Want
Band ten-hut!

Lysie?

Yeah. Lysie.

*You're The One
Who makes me go *

*You're The Sun
Who makes me shine *

*When You're Around
I'm always laughing *

Gimme that shot, baby.

Come on, nursie!

( Matt muttering )

*Just How Much
I adore you *

*I Get Down On My Knees

Claire! Oh, no!

Oh, claire! Okay, baby!

Oh, hey, claire!

Courtesy flush!
Oh, no!

Brandon, I'm like
a really good drummer--

excuse me.

Listen, this is
your chance to help...

Hey, guys, don't forget
your sunscreen.

Your bodies are
your instruments.

- yeah, you don't want to be
chapped for your solos.
- no, we don't.

Bye now.

What is that, 30?
It's really thick.

How's that taste,
vandecock?

Mmm, good, huh?
Warm and salty?

Yeah, it's a come-pletely
new formula.

100% stiffy juice,
spf 69.

- ( water splashes )
- suck on that!

- yeah!
- get off me.

- stop, man.
- yeah!

- ernie.
- yeah!

What you had before was
way better than this.

This sounds like
your overactive
honor society brain.

Instead of your nasty,

wet, dirty-girl panties.

- ( Giggles )
- It should be
more spontaneous.

( Playing "play that
funky music, white boy" )

- stop!
- hey, maybe you should hang out

- with your friend matt
a little bit more.
- yeah, right.

I know he's a dick
and everything, but...

He's also got one.

Make some love music,
you know, then your
notes will just--

co to you.

- "oh, matt, oh!"
- stop!

- ernie: matt, matt!
- stifler!

- Stifler, stifler!
- boy: let go of me,
you asshole!

- Stifler!
- hey, elyse!

- Throw it back, come on.
- Over here.

What do you got?

- oh, oops!
- ( Crowd groans )

Sorry.

MATT:
Hey, if I have
to ring a triangle,

- you have to throw
the football.
- okay.

Draw your arm back.
There you go.

Shoulder toward
your target.

All right,
now step forward,

wait-- come on,
we're not marching.
One foot.

- ( Elyse groans ) okay.
- you're fine. Ready?

There you go.
Draw the ball
over your ear,

and when you throw it,
let it roll right
off your fingers.

All right?

Uh, come on, throw it.

*That You Can Feel
Longer than just right now *

*So Come On, Baby,
Let me be the girl... *

See, I taught you
something, what?

So every time I throw it,
you're gonna go get it?

That's generally
how it works.

It's like playing
fetch with my dog.

Except that I don't
lick my own balls.

- you would if you could.
- oh yeah.

Okay, again.

Right here.

( Elyse laughs )
Look, that one
looks like a bunny.

- No, it doesn't.
- yeah-huh!

Maybe a bunny
with one nut.

- ( Snickers )
- no, that's its tail.

- whatever you say.
- ( Sighs )

You think
we'll win this thing?

Hell yeah, we will--

if you write
in a bagpipe part.

Oh god, I'll never make
that mistake again.

- what?
- the eighth grade recital.

You made me
write in a part
for you.

You wore your kilt.

Yeah, then steve showed up
with his friends.

But they gave me so
much shit for that!

I didn't come out
of my room for days.

You made it up
to him by stealing
all of my underwear,

so you could run them
up the flagpole.

Including
my training bras.

Okay, since we're having some
big fucking oprah moment here,

I'm sorry about
your underwear.

And the diary.

And all that
other shit too.

That's it!

- whoa, you started it.
- this is gonna get me
that scholarship.

- what?
- I gotta go write this down
before I forget.

- *Duh duh duh duh...
- hey hey hey!

Uh, could we do this again
tomorrow night?

Yeah, sure!

- I'll see you here at sunset.
- uh, hey!

Um, could-- should I bring
that picardo thing?

Okay.
I'll do a solo for you.

( Laughs )

Hey!

( Grunts, groans )

- what's up, ernie?
- Hey.

It was that
fugly nurse again.
( Snorts )

( Rock music playing )

Ow!

*Do You Wanna Touch,
Yeah *

*Do You
Wanna touch, yeah *

*Do You Wanna Touch
Me there? *

- *Where?
- oh... My god.

- matt stifler?
- *D o You Wanna Touch,
Do you wanna touch... *

- holy shit, look at you.
- arianna.

- what are you doing here?
- we practice our routine
with the band.

- What are you doing here?
- uh, I had to come.

The school made me.
Pfft!

Does anybody know
about this yet?

- oh, they do now.
- ( Laughing )

Hey come on, no pictures!
What are you,
the papa-tit-zzi?

- holy shit, this is
so hilarious.
- smile.

Ladies!

No time
for fraternizing.

Get the bags.
Guess I'll see you around...

- bandie.
- What a dork.

I'm gonna e-mail this
to everybody.

( Marching band playing )

Girls, that was great.
Percussion, take five.

Horns, we' got
to work on intonation.

The final performance
is tomorrow, you guys!

Aw, you play
the triangle,
how cute.

No, I don't!

- look, I told you, I had--
- I gotta go.

- I don't
socialize with bandies.
- I'm not a fucking bandie!

I'm not!
Look, I've just been
acting like a geek,

I've been playing them
so I could get them
on hidden video.

I've been secretly
videotaping them doing
all this crazy shit.

- really?
- yeah.

I could show you!

Okay,
come by after dinner.

I'll leave my pom poms
in the window for you.

- you're late.
- yeah, no shit.
Open the window.

Hold on,
be careful with it.

All right, one condition
before I show you
the fruits of my labors.

- what's that?
- I want that picture
on that camera phone erased.

Nobody at school hears about
the triangle or the beanie.

I don't want anybody to think
I'm a dorky-ass bandie.

- fine.
- now can we get
on with it?

As soon as you get rid of that
picture of me on your phone.

- are you going into town?
- not tonight, I'm too tired.

Besides, they're
much hotter here.

I know.
It's a great crop
this year.

( Loon cries )

There, done deal.

Now can we
see the video?

Stiffmeister productions
in association with its
talented new director

matthew stifler is happy
to premiere the unedited

unfiltered
and unfucking believable

"bandeez gone wild"!

( Singing )
*Oh Yeah.

( Rock music playing )

- oh my god.
- that is unbelievable.

( Girls laughing )

- You're kidding me, right?
- that's great.

( Laughs, snorts )

GIRL:
Danielle likes jimmy, but she's
like a foot taller than him.

And wait till you hear this!
Sheree slept with that big
oscar guy, the drummer,

- said he was amazing.
- well, I hooked up
with brandon once,

some drummer! He has
no rhythm and he couldn't
even bang very long.

Oh my god,
are you serious?

Yeah, he's a premie,
and I'm not talking about
the day he was born either.

- ( laughs )
- Can you get my back?

- I think I got a little
bit of sun today.
- sure.

- and get this--
he has one ball.
- No way!

- one ball.
- ( Laughing )

That's why he carries
that big stick everywhere.

- he's got his
other ball on top.
- ( ernie whimpers )

- oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
- ( Screams )

What is that thing?

( Screams )

Let's kill it!

Where'd he go?

- there he is.
- I got him.

( Groans )

This is going into the lake.

No one's gonna know
about your little video,

'cause the shit you got us
doing on tape--

so we got a contest
to win tomorrow

and I don't want
to see you-- understand?

Did you help him?

- ( bands warming up )
- nelson: with east great falls
in the lead,

beechwood has to win
the band camp play-offs.

Direct yourselves to
the marching field in one hour.

Dr. Choi,
brandon vandecamp
from beechwood

is our best musician
by far,

and his father landon
is our best donor

also by far.
( Chuckles )

CHOI: Robards needs
talented musicians as much
as we need talented donors.

Ipecac...

So how is it going?
Are you having fun?

It's okay.

How about some "ipecock,"
Vandecootch?

This herbal fucking
extract will help

you beechwood plebes
play in tune, huh?

( Laughs )
Shit.

Hey!

I told you I didn't want to see
you anymore, stifler!

Someday you'll
thank me, asshole!

- OSCAR: Orange?
- again?

- damn.
- that orange shit is janky.

I'm feeling
the grape, dawg.

I don't care how many
times they won, they're not
getting the grape today.

That's what
I'm talking about.

NELSON:
Your five-time
defending champion,

- beechwood academy!
- ( Cheering )

( Cheering )

- whoa, they're tight.
- chloe: yeah, they're better
than ever this year.

Okay, everybody,
it's no surprise
beechwood is good,

but this year is different.
This year we can beat them!

We've worked hard,
and we are good enough,

and this is our time,
so let's win the cup!

( Cheering )

( Cheering )

Beechwood academy,

their music today was composed
by senior drum major

brandon vandecamp.

Beat that, hoo-ha!

East great falls, you may enter
the field for competition.

- what?
- ( Cheering )

( Heaving )

- elyse: band, ten hut!
- shit!

- One two, ready and--
- lysie, wait wait wait!
No no no no!

Wait wait-- awwww.

I'm so sorry, I don't
know what happened--
watch my shoes.

( Oscar growls )

Stifler!
( Retching )

*Please Don't Go Crazy
If I tell you the truth *

*No, You Don't Know
What happened and you
never will... *

LEVENSTEIN:
You know you're like
your brother steve.

I don't think those
are the shoes you should
be so eager to fill.

You know the people steve
thought were his friends...

- really didn't
like him very much.
- what?

But I think you're different.
I think people want
to like you, matt.

You just make it--
really hard.

*I Wanted The Same Thing
That I wanted before *

*So, Sweetheart,
Tell me what's up *

*I Won't Stop

- *No way...
- hoo-ha!

( Laughs )
Parting is such
sweet sorrow--

when you're a loser!

*It's Hardly
What I'd be doing *

*If You Gave Me
A choice... *

Mr. Levenstein reports that
there were a few...

Incidents at camp.

But-- he also says
that you

bonded with the band--

briefly.

( Sighs )

When school starts, you're going
to be on a very short leash.

Remember, the shermanator
sees it all.

Begone.

Hey, did everybody
hate my brother?

( Clears throat )

STARDATE:
August 21st, 2005.

Some progress made
with stiffy jr.

Behavior MODIFICATION:
Evident.

( Sighs )
Will continue to monitor.

Shermanator out.

*It's A Crime
You let it happen to me *

*Never Mind,
I'll let it happen to you *

- *Out of mind, forget it,
there's nothing to lose... *
- double-d sheree action.

*But My Mind And All
The things I wanted... *

- A little doc robot.
- *Every time I get it,
I throw it away... *

- Crazy fucker.
- *It's a sign,
I get it, I wanna stay *

- *By the time I lose it,
I'm not afraid... *
- ( Elyse screams )

*Of Looking At You
Truly fake it *

*How Can I Believe

*When This Cloud
Hangs over me? *

*You're The Part Of Me
That I don't wanna see *

*Forget It, Forget It,
Forget it *

*Forget It,
Forget it, forget it *

*Forget It, Forget It,
Forget it *

*Forget It,
Forget it, forget it *

*Forget It, Forget It,
Forget it *

*How Can I Believe

*When This Cloud
Hangs over me? *

*You're A Part Of Me
That I don't wanna see *

*I Can Live
Forever here. *

( Band rehearsing )

- hey, stifler,
where's your instrument?
- you're in the wrong uniform.

Screw them, dude.
They're gonna freak out
when they see the video.

We thought that if we had
an advanced screening

then everyone would see that
you're not really a dork.

I can't-- it's gone.

Guy: what?

The video, man,
I deleted it.

Why?

Guess little bro is quitting
the family business.

Are you kidding me?

He went
fucking bandie on us.

( Bell rings )

( Tuning radio )

Hey, what's up, guys?

Oh, you a dead man,
motherfucker.

- hey, whoa whoa whoa!
- hey hey hey!

- you too, little man!
- wait wait wait!

Dude, the purple puke
was an accident!

Somebody switched
the coolers.

You--

hey, that orange shit
is janky, y'all.

Chloe?

We never saw elyse,
you know-- naked.

Matt turned off
the computer.

So we're just supposed
to forgive him now?

- he's still an asshole.
- you're right.

I am an asshole.
I can't take back
spying on you

and I can't win
that bandie cup thing.

But I can help someone
get what she deserves.

I'm not asking you
to forgive me.

Just help me
help elyse.

- *This bed is on fire
with passionate love... *
- Ernie: i got the number.

- matt: go ahead.
- 555-0171.

*But She Only Comes
When she's on top... *

ELYSE:
He shouldn't have been dumping
ipecac in anyone's cooler.

We could have won
on our own.

- *My therapist said...
- I don't even care that
he saw me on camera.

- well, I mean, I do, but--
- ( Knocks )

Honey, this just
came for you.

*That I've Become
A bore, oh no... *

- it's from robards.
- *Ah, you think you're
so pretty... *

What's it say?

Dr. Choi wants
to meet with me?

- okay!
- okay.

- okay.
- okay!

Bye.

( Grunts )

Hi. Elyse houston.

I have an appointment
with Dr. Choi.

You're not in the book.

Oh no no, there must be
some mistake, see--

I have a letter.
( Giggles )

( Chuckles )

This letter is, well--

it's a fake.

This is not
Dr. Choi's signature.

What?

( Bagpipes warming up )

( Elyse's composition playing )

Stifler.

You son of a bitch!

What, it wasn't enough
for you to humiliate me

at band camp?

Now you have to
set me up here?

( Band begins playing )

What's going on
here?

This is my band.

And that's her music.

( Cheering )

Well--

I've certainly seen
some interesting attempts
to gain admission.

But this is a first.

Excellent audition,
ms. Houston.

- let's go discuss
that scholarship.
- um...

- I thought brandon won?
- No...

Mr. Vandecamp
was disqualified
for plagiarism.

- matt: all right.
- oscar: ohhh.

JIMMY:
That's what I'm
talking about, yo.

Oh my god, you guys,
that was amazing.

Thank you so much.

Thank him,
it was his idea.

Word.

You planned
all of this?

With some friends.

C'mere.

- ow!
- what?

Oh... I believe
this is yours.

You know...

Picardo is
a brand of piccolo.

You really are
an asshole sometimes,

stiffy.

( Chuckles )

( Crowd murmurs )

*Now I... I Feel Like
An aeroplane *

*Above The Rain,
This time... *

*I Won't Make The Same
Mistakes I used to make *

*It Was Love And Evolution,
It was tearing it us apart *

*I Prayed For A Solution
And I found it in your heart *

*Now I...
I feel like an aeroplane *

*Above The Rain
I can fly *

*It's True, I Lived
Taking you for granted *

*I Was Deaf And Numb

*And Blind
To who you were *

*Now I'm Gonna Show You
And you're gonna see *

*Everything
You mean to me *

*I Am Going To Be There
Whenever you need *

*I'll Protect You,
I'll respect you *

*Now I... I Feel
Like an aeroplane *

*Above The Rain

*This Time

*I Won't Make
The same mistakes *

*I Used To Make

*It Was Just Another Emotion,
It was running through
my veins *

*But You Gave Me Your Devotion
And something in me changed *

*Now I... I Feel
Like an aeroplane *

*Above The Rain

*I Can Fly

( Instrumental break )

*I'll Protect You

*I'll Respect You

*Now I... I Feel
Like an aeroplane *

*Above The Rain

*This Time I Won't
Make the same mistakes *

*I Used To Make

*Oh, I Feel Like Aeroplane

*Above The Rain

*This Time...

*I Won't Make The Same
Mistakes I used to make *

*Some Questions Have
No answer, some answers
have no truth *

*The Truth Is My Religion
And I see the truth in you *

*Now I... I Feel
Like an aeroplane *

*Above The Rain
I can fly. *

JIMMY:
Matt, change the channel, yo!

Hook a brother up
with some mad beats.

OSCAR:
Will you cut that out?

Your name is
james hai ping chong.

Your dad owns
a chinese restaurant.
You live in the suburbs.

You ain't never
gonna be a gangsta.
Damn.

JIMMY:
That's cold, dawg.