subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Achmed.Saves.America.2014.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian Download

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:04,338 - Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham. 2 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:08,175 - Greetings, infidels. I am Achmed, the dead terrorist. 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,760 - I have a question for you, Achmed. 4 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,471 - I am all ears, without actual ears. 5 00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:13,931 - All right. 6 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:16,100 Who's your favorite cartoon character? 7 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:20,021 - Is this a trick question? - No. Seriously, who is it? 8 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:24,025 - Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh? 9 00:00:24,025 --> 00:00:27,194 - Yes, and Eeyore. He was so sad. 10 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:28,696 - And Piglet? 11 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,281 - Don't be an idiot. 12 00:00:30,281 --> 00:00:31,449 - Sorry. - Whatever. 13 00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:33,117 What is the point of this? 14 00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:35,369 - What if you, Achmed, were animated? 15 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,787 - Me? A cartoon? 16 00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,748 - Right. - Like Tigger? 17 00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:41,083 - Sure. - That would be fantastic. 18 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,418 - Then wish for it. 19 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,045 - What? - Make a wish. 20 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:46,756 - Oh, like, "I wish I were animated"? 21 00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,090 - Perfect. 22 00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:50,384 - Hi, everybody. - Aah! 23 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,553 - I am Tinker Bubba. 24 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,597 - What the- - Hi, Tinker Bubba. 25 00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:57,558 - Howdy. Did I hear someone make a wish? 26 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,851 - Yep. That was Achmed. 27 00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:01,187 - A wish? What wish? 28 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:04,482 - You said you wished to be intoxicated. 29 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:08,360 - No, animated. - Oh, well, I can do that too. 30 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,988 - This is ridic- - [shouts] 31 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,406 - Ah! Oh! 32 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,408 What happened to me? Why do I look like this? 33 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,660 - Thank you, Tinker Bubba. - You're welcome. 34 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,245 - You infidel fairy. 35 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,956 - Toot-toot for now. Got to fly. 36 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,666 Whoo-hoo! 37 00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:24,251 [flatulence, crash] 38 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,170 - You tricked me. - You got your wish. 39 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,838 - And why am I like this? 40 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,340 - It's for your new animated special, 41 00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,050 Achmed Saves America. 42 00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:32,468 Enjoy the show. 43 00:01:32,468 --> 00:01:35,554 - Come back, Tinker Bubba! 44 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,601 [traditional Middle Eastern music] 45 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,436 J"J" 46 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,855 [music stops] 47 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:47,858 [music resumes] 48 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:52,029 J"J" 49 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,448 [music stops] 50 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,034 [music resumes] 51 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,577 I will kill you. 52 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:01,789 [cell phone ringing melodically] 53 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,875 Oh, not a phone call while I'm riding. 54 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:07,586 [gasps] I have coverage all the way out here 55 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:10,131 and not a cell tower in sight. 56 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,051 Yes, yes. What? What? 57 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:17,138 - Achmed. Why are you still alive? 58 00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:18,722 - Nice talking to you too. 59 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,600 - Wheel of Fortune! 60 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,395 - I should have heard a big boom by now. 61 00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:26,230 You have worked for us for three years, 62 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,941 and you still haven't killed infidel one. 63 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,527 I swear, you are the worst terrorist 64 00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:33,237 in the whole non-Muslim world. 65 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,697 - I am not. 66 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:37,199 As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that. 67 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,535 - Are you forgetting you blew up a training camp? 68 00:02:39,535 --> 00:02:42,413 The only thing left was the monkey bars. 69 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,876 - Oh, please. We are so much better than them. 70 00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:49,962 - Do not worry, Hassan. I will get it right this time. 71 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,380 - Achmed, focus! 72 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,299 You're not losing your nerve, are you? 73 00:02:53,299 --> 00:02:54,967 - No! Are you kidding? 74 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:57,595 I'd be crazy not to want to kill myself. 75 00:02:57,595 --> 00:03:00,014 - Then tell me why you are doing this mission. 76 00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,223 - Because you told me to. 77 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,600 - Wrong answer! Why? 78 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,185 - Because I hate the infidel. 79 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,687 - And why do you hate the infidel? 80 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,439 - Because you told me to. 81 00:03:08,439 --> 00:03:11,400 - Right answer. So don't screw this up. 82 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,110 - Why do you treat me like a fool? 83 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:15,070 The bomb is ready to go. 84 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,405 [beeping] 85 00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:17,740 Oops. 86 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,203 [screaming] 87 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,414 Huh? 88 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,916 Hey- 89 00:03:26,916 --> 00:03:29,376 I'm alive. I failed! 90 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,128 Son of a female dog. 91 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:35,174 Well, it obviously can't get any worse than this. 92 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,800 Huh! [eagle screeches] 93 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,595 What the Hezbollah? Let me go, you flying jackal. 94 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,932 Release me at once. [eagle screeches] 95 00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:44,934 Clutch me again! I was kidding! 96 00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:46,727 I was kidding! 97 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:50,356 [screaming] 98 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:53,234 Well, that used to hurt. 99 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:56,612 Wait. Where is this aluminum devil taking me? 100 00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:03,202 No! 101 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:06,538 [rock guitar playing Star-Spangled Banner] 102 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:11,710 J"J" 103 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,546 [screaming] 104 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:23,430 [rock guitar playing The Battle Hymn of the Republic] 105 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:31,397 J"J" 106 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,572 [slurps] 107 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,449 Mmm. 108 00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:58,590 [groans] 109 00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,009 Hmm. Hey. 110 00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,219 Death to America...ville. 111 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:12,896 Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13. 112 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,317 I have arrived in the land of the infidels. 113 00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:19,653 It will only be a matter of time until-Aah! 114 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,864 - Oh, boy. 115 00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:25,075 I don't know what that was, but it made a doozy of a noise. 116 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,910 - I hope we hit something cool. 117 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,871 Then this day wouldn't be a total loss. 118 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,247 - Whatever. 119 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,082 Everyone's at the mall except me. 120 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:35,002 And now my life is over. 121 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,754 - Well, I know we hit something, 122 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,839 but darn if I know what it was. 123 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:43,510 - Turn around, asshat. 124 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,970 - Is that what we hit? 125 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:46,347 - Whoa! Is he dead? 126 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:48,432 - [scoffs] Can't we go now? 127 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,642 - No, honey. We have to help him. 128 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,061 - Here you go, buddy. You're fine. 129 00:05:52,061 --> 00:05:53,270 You're gonna be fine. - Wait. stop. 130 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,772 - Let me give you a hand with that. 131 00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:56,106 - What are you doing? - Oh, that is a hand. 132 00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:57,441 - Get your hands off of me. 133 00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:58,692 - And the diaper goes on top, right? 134 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,069 - Wait a minute. - That's a knee. 135 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:01,487 - I don't even touch myself there. 136 00:06:01,487 --> 00:06:02,780 - That's a... - What are you doing? 137 00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:07,159 - ...third knee. - Stop touching me! 138 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:09,703 You put my ass in front! 139 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,330 - I'm sorry. I didn't see you. 140 00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:13,457 - Oh, that makes me feel so much better. 141 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:15,417 - I guess we should exchange insurance information- 142 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,128 - [coughing] - Ooh. 143 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,922 Oh, that looks like ours. 144 00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:21,590 " Ew! - Oh, 145 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,801 - Can we get you to a doctor or something? 146 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,761 - I want nothing to do with you. 147 00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:32,559 How I wish that evil airplane had never carried me 148 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,729 from my homeland to this wretched America of yours. 149 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,732 - Mom, did you hear that? He said he just flew here. 150 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,234 Maybe he's our exchange student. 151 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:41,819 - Yeah. 152 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:45,155 Claude, the French kid we missed at the airport? 153 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,449 - I hate you, and I hate this country. 154 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,910 - Oh, yeah, he's French. We better stop him. 155 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,870 Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. 156 00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,705 [dog barking] - What? What? What? 157 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,499 [screaming] 158 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,668 Ah! What devil is this? 159 00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:59,878 - Bill, no. 160 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,839 - Bill? Seriously'? 161 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,715 You give your dogs people names? 162 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:06,718 What did you name your kids, Bubbles and Cujo? 163 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,095 - Billy, off! 164 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,180 I'm sorry. He just likes you. 165 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,100 - Oh, great. When does the humping start? 166 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,602 - By any chance, are you Claude? 167 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:17,312 - Of course I am Claude. 168 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:19,106 I'm clawed, scratched, bitten, licked, and humped, 169 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,566 but mostly I am clawed. 170 00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:22,901 - So you're saying you're Claude? 171 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,487 - Yes, you stupid American infidel. 172 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,781 - That's wonderful. - What? 173 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,201 - Claude, we are your host family, the Wilsons, 174 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,287 and we're so happy you're here. 175 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,956 - Are you infidels friendly or idiots 176 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,875 or just friendly idiots? 177 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,877 - Sorry about the mix-up at the airport, 178 00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:41,503 but that is all over now. 179 00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,172 Let's get you to your new home. 180 00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:45,174 - You're taking me to your cave? 181 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:48,302 - Well, I do have a man cave. It's the garage. 182 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,220 - Is he naked? 183 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,473 - Try not to make him feel bad, okay,honey? 184 00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,016 He's probably poor. 185 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,143 Let's get you a hot meal first. 186 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:59,021 - We have the foreigner. Can we please go to the mall? 187 00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:02,024 [upbeat music] 188 00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:07,696 J"J" 189 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,198 - [thinking] I have moled myself, 190 00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:11,200 "first season of Homeland" style, 191 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,577 among the enemy, the hated ones. 192 00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:18,081 These people who call themselves Wilson are cunning, though. 193 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:23,253 They insist on treating me with respect 194 00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:26,465 and feeding me an obscene amount of food 195 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:28,175 that I can barely keep down. 196 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:38,519 - I have the same problem. 197 00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:49,154 - [thinking] Their town is in terrible shape, 198 00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:52,324 and their lives are filled with emptiness and failure, 199 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,034 yet they don't take the obvious route 200 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,745 of blowing themselves and everyone around them up. 201 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,205 What's up with that? 202 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,082 - I just work on the assembly line now, 203 00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:04,169 but my dream is to design the cars, like this. 204 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,172 - This is a gas-guzzling, obnoxious testament 205 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:10,509 to everything the rest of the world hates about America. 206 00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:12,135 - Exactly. 207 00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:14,346 It'll be a huge seller and save the company. 208 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,807 If only my boss would look at it. 209 00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:22,229 - He will, because it's perfect, honey, just like you. 210 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,356 - [thinking] These are nothing like the Americans 211 00:09:24,356 --> 00:09:28,569 I was taught to hate, which makes me hate them more. 212 00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:31,572 Plus, I had no idea women could drive. 213 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:34,199 - Well, this is your home for the summer, Claude. 214 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,410 It's cozy, but we love it. 215 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,538 - I am nauseated by the evil stench of decadence. 216 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,748 - He did it. - Now, Kevin. 217 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,458 - Don't pick on our guest. 218 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:44,835 He's had a long day. 219 00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,545 You know he was hit by a minivan. 220 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,171 Why don't you and your sister go toss the football 221 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,257 or something? - Fine. 222 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,883 - I'm going to Angie's. 223 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,719 - Don't ignore your phone. 224 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,138 - It's not the phone I ignore. 225 00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:57,764 - Kids today. 226 00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,267 - In my land, they would have both been stoned by now. 227 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,935 - That's right. 228 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,271 You French kids start drinking early, don't you? 229 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,982 - Wayne, remember our surprise. 230 00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:08,400 - Oh, sure. 231 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,735 Be right back. 232 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,365 - So now that I am deep in the bowels of the enemy, 233 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:18,535 I will make it my mission to explode out a reeky, 234 00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:21,204 steaming vengeance, but how and when? 235 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,373 Both: Ta-da! 236 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,250 - Ah! Are you Catholic? 237 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,002 - No, we're American. 238 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:30,339 - Claude, you got here just in time for our town's 239 00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:33,634 100th birthday celebration, and it's tomorrow! 240 00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,345 - Ginny's in charge of the parade and the fireworks. 241 00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:38,347 - It's going to be some show. 242 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,641 - Fireworks? Explosions? 243 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,727 Large crowds? 244 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,270 - We'll fix your room up, Claude. 245 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,980 - You go ahead. 246 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,441 I'll just be here innocently plotting and scheming. 247 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,819 This is going to be easier than I thought. 248 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,197 [chuckles] Stupid Americans. 249 00:10:55,197 --> 00:10:57,991 They always leave their dynamite just lying around. 250 00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:02,037 [toy squeaking, dog barking] 251 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,914 Let me go! I kill you! 252 00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,582 Oh, stop. [laughing] Stop that. 253 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,959 I cannot be murderous when I am being tickled. 254 00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:09,169 [giggling] 255 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,545 I kill you! 256 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:13,131 Stop it! [glass shattering] 257 00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:16,802 ♪ I've been working on my big bomb ♪ 258 00:11:16,802 --> 00:11:21,014 ♪All the dead long night ♪ 259 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,768 [thinking] Dear diary, my bomb is complete. 260 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,562 Tomorrow I will get my revenge on these people 261 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,314 who have been so nice to me. 262 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,441 - Here's a soft pillow. 263 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,110 - [thinking] How I hate them. 264 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,861 Is it hypoallergenic? 265 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,697 - Just like you asked. 266 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:39,866 - Yes, thank you, evil, American, monster she-woman. 267 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:43,495 - You French have such colorful words for everything. 268 00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:45,455 Oh, are you writing a book'? 269 00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:48,792 - Yes, it is a book of humorous observations 270 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,419 about small-town life, 271 00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:53,505 like the kind by your famous instigator of suicide, 272 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:55,006 Garrison Keillor. 273 00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,925 - That's nice. Nighty-night now. 274 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,219 - Nighty-night, "nighty-night. 275 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,347 Hello, gorgeous. 276 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,807 - Hey! I want to talk to you. 277 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,600 - [screams] I don't have a bomb. 278 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,602 - You're not fooling me, kid. 279 00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,438 I know why you're here. 280 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,606 - Is that so? 281 00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:12,733 Well... 282 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,484 [ululating] 283 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,237 - My parents brought you here just to make me look bad. 284 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,322 - La la la la. 285 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:21,032 - I can't compare to how cool you are. 286 00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,368 You're from France and all. I hate you. 287 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,162 - Aw, really? 288 00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,830 I hate you too. 289 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,040 - My dad thinks I should be playing football, 290 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,751 but I don't want to do that. 291 00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,461 I'm good at other stuff- 292 00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:35,464 secret stuff I've never even told my parents about. 293 00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:38,049 - You wish to lie with another boy of your gender? 294 00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:41,887 - No! I want to be a ventriloquist. 295 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,430 - A what? 296 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,056 - You know, a ventriloquist. 297 00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,100 I have a dummy. I make it talk. 298 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:51,021 We tell jokes in front of big audiences and get big laughs. 299 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,106 - That is a job? 300 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,775 ' Yes! 301 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:59,279 - That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 302 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:03,200 Seriously, who is going to pay to see anyone do that crap? 303 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,951 - But I'm good at it. 304 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,204 I've been practicing with my new dummy. 305 00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,497 [laughing] Da-d a-d a-d a! 306 00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:09,790 Little Jeff. 307 00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:11,333 Hiya, Claude. 308 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:14,920 - That toy is possessed with a human spirit! 309 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,588 I pound your face with a shoe, 310 00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,089 which is the worst thing you can do 311 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,008 to someone in my country for some reason 312 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,135 that no one has ever explained to anyone. 313 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,095 - Hey, what's wrong with you? 314 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,264 I'm sorry I said anything to you. 315 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,142 This is gonna be a long summer. 316 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,936 - Or a short one. 317 00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:32,729 Aah! 318 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:34,731 Whew. It's only you. 319 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,817 I thought you were Jessica Chastain. 320 00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:38,318 - Who's that? 321 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,611 - She was the crazy bitch in The Help. 322 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,946 What are you doing here? 323 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,781 - I was, like, out with my boyfriend, 324 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,157 now my ex-boyfriend. 325 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,785 Ugh. I hate him. I wish he was dead. 326 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,036 - Hmm. 327 00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:50,455 Does he live within a 20-mile radius 328 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,165 of tomorrow's parade? 329 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,917 - Please don't tell Mom and Dad. 330 00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,878 - The place where my lips once were is sealed. 331 00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,672 - They never liked him anyway. 332 00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:01,591 They think I have, like, bad taste in guys? 333 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:05,262 - You? No. Don't be so hard on your- 334 00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:08,390 - Mwah. 335 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,141 Wow. 336 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:13,270 I felt something just now. 337 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:16,565 - Well, that was my detonator- bomb, penis, nothing! 338 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,775 - You're so funny. 339 00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,068 - Gracias? 340 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,404 - And I love your French accent. 341 00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:24,197 - Cassidy, are you home? 342 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:27,075 - Got to go. I'll love you till I die. 343 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:31,162 - Stay within the 20-mile radius. 344 00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,417 - Good night, Cassidy. - Good night, Mom. 345 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:38,003 - Good night, Kevin. - Good night, Dad! 346 00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:39,588 - Good night, Ginny! 347 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,006 - Why are you screaming at me 348 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,591 when I'm lying right next to you? 349 00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:43,717 - Sorry, honey! 350 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:44,843 - Good night, little Jeff! 351 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:45,969 Good night, "ethery-diddy"! 352 00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,178 - Silence! 353 00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:50,724 Good night, bomb. 354 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,727 [patriotic music] 355 00:14:53,727 --> 00:15:00,734 J"J" 356 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,153 - Great job, Mom. 357 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:05,572 - Thanks. And don't you two look nice. 358 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,282 - Yeah, I got this shirt at the- 359 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,909 - Ah! It's almost time for the show to start. 360 00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,535 Kevin, do you know where Claude is? 361 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,537 - No, Mom, I don't. 362 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,206 "Claude. Claude. Where's Claude?" 363 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,042 Everybody loves the French guy. 364 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,501 - He was in the car with us. 365 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,338 He had on this great French cologne. 366 00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:23,590 It smelled like sawdust and fertilizer. 367 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,676 - Here we are! Almost there. 368 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:29,763 Nobody help or touch me, please. 369 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,599 Also, please turn off all cell phones. 370 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,809 - Claude, you look so patriotic. 371 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,854 - Yes, it is patriotism is given me a glow in my heart 372 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,356 and a pain in my neck. 373 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,107 [neck cracks] Ow! 374 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:43,818 - Ginny, the town square looks great. 375 00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:46,571 This event will be just the thing to turn around 376 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,949 our town spirit and get me reelected, 377 00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:51,326 or you're fired. [laughing] 378 00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,787 Just kidding. Not really. 379 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:58,416 - Mayor McEwen, this is Claude, our French exchange student. 380 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:01,169 - Bonjour, Claude. Comment allez-vous? 381 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:05,256 [continues speaking French] 382 00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:13,515 - Uh, ou est Ia toilette fromage? 383 00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:16,893 - [laughs] Oh, that's cute. 384 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,979 Whoa! What the hell? 385 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:21,022 - Holy crap! 386 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,190 Pardon my French. 387 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,359 - Hey, Ginny, nice shindig. 388 00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,277 A little low-key if you ask me. 389 00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:27,946 I mean, where's the eagle? 390 00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,906 Nothing says kick-ass like a flag 391 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:31,825 with wings that go Americaw! 392 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,118 - Americaw! 393 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,744 - Americaw! - Americaw! 394 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:35,870 - Americaw! 395 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,373 - Americaw! - Ah! 396 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:49,050 - Claude, these are our neighbors, the Andersons. 397 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:51,177 Chet and Ev, this is Claude. 398 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,887 - Nice to meet you, Claude. 399 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:54,931 - You know, I usually don't like you Frenchies, 400 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:57,642 but in your case, I'll make an exception. 401 00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,020 - Don't be an idiot. I hate the French. 402 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,023 - Well, then we are gonna be simpatico. 403 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:06,735 Ha. That's Mexican for "I wet your back, you wet mine." 404 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,738 - Such a delightful racist. - [laughing] 405 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,656 I like you. 406 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,786 [laughing] 407 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,748 - Way to set an example, Chet. Carl Zimmer. 408 00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,916 We're not all tea-bagging wing nuts like him, Claude. 409 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,294 - Yeah? And we're not all freedom-hating, Al-kissing, 410 00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:26,546 gunless lesbians like this guy. 411 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,964 Americaw! 412 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:30,467 - Please, can't you two get along? 413 00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,053 Very soon none of this will matter. 414 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,637 Now, if you'll excuse me, 415 00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:37,348 I have to go to the little French boys' room. 416 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:40,018 - Hurry back. You don't want to miss the show. 417 00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:42,937 - My show will leave a bigger impression. 418 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:45,065 [laughs] 419 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:48,068 [humming I've Been Working on the Railroad] 420 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:51,988 J"J" 421 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:54,199 Five minutes to blow time. 422 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,992 I should totally tweet that. 423 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,412 [gasps] Justin Bieber is going to be in Portland! 424 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:02,040 - And in the centennial spirit, 425 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,167 suits at Stan McEwen's Wide and Tall 426 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,336 are on sale for $100. 427 00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,880 Supply is limited. Suits may have been pre-worn. 428 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,926 Now, we have a very special guest here today, uh, somewhere. 429 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,552 Right? 430 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:17,680 - I don't know where he- [gasps] There he is. 431 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,307 Claude, up here. 432 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:22,727 - A big hand for our new friend from France, everyone. 433 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:26,064 [cheers and applause] 434 00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,400 - Hello. 435 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,569 You don't know me from a hole in the ground, 436 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:32,862 but get ready! 437 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,697 Bye, now. T-T-F-U. 438 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:38,034 - Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, our new friend. 439 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:40,203 - Help! I'm being illegally detained 440 00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,997 by a large black man who is dressed very nicely. 441 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:46,417 - You big silly. We have something for you. 442 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:49,129 - Oh, good. I have something for you too. 443 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,923 [laughing] You first. 444 00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:54,592 - America is a nation of foreigners, 445 00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,511 and you're our first legal one. 446 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,389 And now Raul's Gardening Service 447 00:18:59,389 --> 00:19:03,268 would like to give you a 21-leaf-blower salute. 448 00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,186 [leaf blowers whirring] 449 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:07,355 - That's why we're all here- 450 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,941 to thank you and welcome you! 451 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:12,026 [cheers and applause] 452 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,028 - Hooray! 453 00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:17,031 [celebratory music] 454 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:23,288 - You people are all so moronically cheerful. 455 00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,916 - Now, to help celebrate Claude's arrival, 456 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:30,879 put your hands together for American Idol season nine 457 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,423 Hollywood round almost semifinalist, 458 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,092 Ronny Huntingchurch! 459 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,178 [cheers and applause] 460 00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,346 - Well, this is for you, Claude. 461 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:45,518 ♪ A million years ago, when Columbus sailed the sea ♪ 462 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,979 ♪ He hadn't planned on the place he'd land on ♪ 463 00:19:47,979 --> 00:19:50,190 ♪ Would still be brave and free ♪ 464 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:54,694 ♪ We welcome the Irish, the Chinaman, and Jew ♪ 465 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:59,073 ♪ But let me say, on behalf of the USA ♪ 466 00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:02,535 ♪ There's no better foreigner than you ♪ 467 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,705 - [Crying] Wait. I can't be crying. 468 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,957 I must have shrapnel in my eye. 469 00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:11,127 - ♪ You're the quill in Jefferson's hand ♪ 470 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:13,046 ♪ You're Patton at Custers last stand ♪ 471 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,590 ♪ George Washington's teeth, the great Toby Keith ♪ 472 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:18,760 ♪ You put the "heart" in heartland ♪ 473 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:23,389 ♪ And we say to you with pride soon to bust ♪ 474 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:26,142 ♪ We pray to our God ♪ 475 00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:28,853 ♪ But it's in Claude ♪ 476 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:34,984 ♪ That we trust ♪ 477 00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,862 [cheers and applause] 478 00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:39,697 - You-you trust me? 479 00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,157 What a fatwa. 480 00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:42,867 The guys have it all wrong. 481 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:45,703 You are the best infidels ever. 482 00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:48,164 Where I am from, no one is nice. 483 00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:51,209 They stay in their caves, knee-deep in camel poop, 484 00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:54,587 covering their wives so they look like Pac-Man ghosts. 485 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,005 - That's French for you. 486 00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:57,674 - I love this country. 487 00:20:57,674 --> 00:20:59,509 Life to America! 488 00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:02,637 [beeping] 489 00:21:04,514 --> 00:21:08,101 Oh! I'll be right back. 490 00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,310 That really hurt. 491 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:12,021 - You'll get used to it. 492 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:13,147 " [grunts] 493 00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:15,024 Where is that bomb? 494 00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:17,318 It's always in the last place you look. 495 00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:19,404 Ow! 496 00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:20,571 There you are. 497 00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:23,825 Huh? 498 00:21:23,825 --> 00:21:27,870 You actual, literal son of a bitch. 499 00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:30,206 No, no, no, no, that is not a squeaky bomb. 500 00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:32,041 Give me that bomb. 501 00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:35,086 I have to save the people I wanted to kill a minute ago. 502 00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:41,134 Oh. The things I have to do. 503 00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:44,220 Billy, look what I have for you. 504 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:45,972 It's your favorite... 505 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:47,557 femur. 506 00:21:47,557 --> 00:21:49,225 Go get it, Bill! 507 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,477 - [growling] 508 00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:53,229 [bionic sound effect] 509 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:57,734 - [slowed down] Oh... 510 00:21:57,734 --> 00:22:00,695 no! 511 00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:07,410 Fuuuuuu- 512 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,960 Whew! That was close. 513 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,628 [alarm blaring] 514 00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:19,630 That's a pretty big button. 515 00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:26,179 All: Ooh! 516 00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:31,351 - I bet this looks awesome from down there! 517 00:22:31,351 --> 00:22:32,602 [crowd gasps] 518 00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:35,146 - He really loves America. 519 00:22:35,146 --> 00:22:36,856 - I sure hope so. 520 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,609 [crowd gasps] 521 00:22:39,609 --> 00:22:43,363 - America, I love you! 522 00:22:44,989 --> 00:22:47,909 Still love it. 523 00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:50,078 Loving it a little less. 524 00:22:58,169 --> 00:23:00,505 - I'm at Americaville General Hospital 525 00:23:00,505 --> 00:23:02,799 where an entire town is holding a vigil 526 00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:05,301 for someone they just met this morning... 527 00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:08,304 a brave little boy from France named Claude. 528 00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:09,722 - [ululating] 529 00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:10,848 Ah! 530 00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:12,392 La la la la! 531 00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:14,394 It's burning. 532 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:20,566 - Doctor, is he gonna be okay? 533 00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:23,694 - Well, he displays no vital signs whatsoever. 534 00:23:23,694 --> 00:23:26,155 The technical term for that is "dead." 535 00:23:26,155 --> 00:23:27,949 [flatline tone humming] 536 00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:30,785 - Golly, that sounds serious. - Huh? 537 00:23:30,785 --> 00:23:32,412 [mumbles] 538 00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:33,621 - He's waking up. 539 00:23:33,621 --> 00:23:35,206 My boyfriend's waking up. 540 00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:38,835 - The wire that's blue will not hurt you. 541 00:23:38,835 --> 00:23:42,088 The wire that's red will make us dead. 542 00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:44,841 - Shh. I think he's trying to tell us something. 543 00:23:44,841 --> 00:23:48,928 - ♪ The bomb on the bus goes Bing, bang, boom ♪ 544 00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:50,972 ♪ Bing, bang, boom ♪ 545 00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:53,558 ♪ Bing, bang, boom, bing, bang, bang ♪ 546 00:23:53,558 --> 00:23:55,351 ♪ Bada, bada-bing, bing ♪ 547 00:23:55,351 --> 00:23:56,561 Hey, everybody! 548 00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:58,396 Oh, the pain! 549 00:23:58,396 --> 00:24:03,359 It's making me say things only sung at terrorist camp. 550 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:04,902 - Well, that's the most 551 00:24:04,902 --> 00:24:07,655 we can expect from him right now, I'm afraid. 552 00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:10,491 - We should leave him now. He needs his rest. 553 00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:12,243 - Mom, I guess you'll need someone to take 554 00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:13,744 Claude's spot in the parade. 555 00:24:13,744 --> 00:24:15,413 I've been working on something. 556 00:24:15,413 --> 00:24:16,664 - Parade? 557 00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:18,624 I can be in a real American parade 558 00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,043 where people wait all night to get great seats 559 00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:22,503 to watch other people walk? 560 00:24:22,503 --> 00:24:24,964 Count me in! 561 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,424 Sorry. 562 00:24:26,424 --> 00:24:29,051 - Hmm. I thought you were dead. 563 00:24:29,051 --> 00:24:30,470 - It's a miracle. 564 00:24:30,470 --> 00:24:32,180 - Aah! 565 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:36,767 I declare this centennial parade started! 566 00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:39,770 [marching band music] 567 00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:44,484 J"J" 568 00:24:44,484 --> 00:24:46,694 - Look what you did, Claude. 569 00:24:46,694 --> 00:24:48,779 - You've inspired the entire town. 570 00:24:48,779 --> 00:24:50,198 - Thank you. 571 00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:52,450 I don't have to blow up again, do I? 572 00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:54,202 - Congratulations, Claude. 573 00:24:54,202 --> 00:24:55,828 In the words of Michelle Obama, 574 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:57,872 "For the first time in my adult lifetime, 575 00:24:57,872 --> 00:25:00,166 I'm really proud of my country." 576 00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:02,084 - Yes, we heard her say that. 577 00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,961 That is when we recruited her. 578 00:25:03,961 --> 00:25:06,088 - She is a true American. 579 00:25:06,088 --> 00:25:08,716 - Yes, and her hair is actually straight. 580 00:25:08,716 --> 00:25:13,554 - Son, you're the real hero, 210% American. 581 00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:15,431 - You people suck at mathematics. 582 00:25:15,431 --> 00:25:16,724 I love it. 583 00:25:16,724 --> 00:25:18,851 - Claude, Dave Chester, CNN. 584 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:21,145 - CNN? I love you Quys. 585 00:25:21,145 --> 00:25:23,648 You're the Borders Books of cable networks. 586 00:25:23,648 --> 00:25:25,608 - Claude, you've only been here two days, 587 00:25:25,608 --> 00:25:28,569 and you've already been hit by a truck, gotten blown up, 588 00:25:28,569 --> 00:25:30,947 rolled down a hill in a fiery Dumpster... 589 00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:32,573 - And I've tried curly fries. 590 00:25:32,573 --> 00:25:34,575 - So how do you like our country? 591 00:25:34,575 --> 00:25:37,954 - Well, I'm in America, so I won't tell you how I feel. 592 00:25:37,954 --> 00:25:41,541 I will sing, just like those 30-year-old teenagers 593 00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:44,669 on that bafflingly beloved TV show Glee. 594 00:25:44,669 --> 00:25:46,879 I love to hate-watch it. 595 00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:48,256 [soft piano note] 596 00:25:48,256 --> 00:25:50,925 ♪ When I was merely four years old ♪ 597 00:25:50,925 --> 00:25:53,177 ♪ There was nothing I thought greater ♪ 598 00:25:53,177 --> 00:25:55,888 ♪ Than to turn this nation you call home ♪ 599 00:25:55,888 --> 00:25:59,100 ♪ Into a giant smoking crater ♪ 600 00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:02,186 ♪ But like Miley Cyrus and her bong ♪ 601 00:26:02,186 --> 00:26:04,855 ♪ Or Brett Favre texting all night long ♪ 602 00:26:04,855 --> 00:26:07,608 ♪ Or Mitt Romney's awful sing-along- ♪ 603 00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:09,569 - ♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care ♪ 604 00:26:09,569 --> 00:26:12,321 - ♪ I was wrong, I was wrong I was wrong ♪ 605 00:26:12,321 --> 00:26:14,240 ♪ I was wrong, I see no drone ♪ 606 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,033 ♪ Yes, I was wrong, Obama phone ♪ 607 00:26:16,033 --> 00:26:17,618 ♪ And so unconscious and half dead ♪ 608 00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,120 ♪ I wrote this song ♪ 609 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,705 ♪ You folks are quite easily suckered ♪ 610 00:26:20,705 --> 00:26:22,582 ♪ But your heart's where it belongs ♪ 611 00:26:22,582 --> 00:26:24,750 ♪ I don't know why I can't deny that I was wrong ♪ 612 00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:27,003 ♪ Running water, Girls Gone Wild ♪ 613 00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:29,046 ♪ No bombs strapped to any child ♪ 614 00:26:29,046 --> 00:26:31,048 - Ah! - ♪ I find I am beguiled ♪ 615 00:26:31,048 --> 00:26:32,967 - Americaw! - Yeah, what he said. 616 00:26:32,967 --> 00:26:34,760 ♪ So much food you throw away ♪ 617 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,679 ♪ So much TV filled with gay ♪ 618 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:39,390 ♪ I love you, Project Runway, so I canceled my fatwa ♪ 619 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:41,142 ♪ 'Cause I was wrong ♪ 620 00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:42,768 - ♪ Oh, he was wrong ♪ - ♪ Yes, I was wrong ♪ 621 00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:44,353 - ♪ So very wrong ♪ 622 00:26:44,353 --> 00:26:45,771 - ♪ About America, I say that I was- ♪ 623 00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:47,148 All: ♪ Wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ 624 00:26:47,148 --> 00:26:48,566 - ♪ When I look across your faces ♪ 625 00:26:48,566 --> 00:26:50,192 ♪ Be they Wilson, Berg, or Chong ♪ 626 00:26:50,192 --> 00:26:53,112 ♪ I must admit I am a twit, and I was wrong ♪ 627 00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:55,615 ♪ Oh, I'll miss my friend the sniper ♪ 628 00:26:55,615 --> 00:26:57,491 [gunshot] 629 00:26:57,491 --> 00:26:59,619 ♪ And my flea-infested cave ♪ 630 00:26:59,619 --> 00:27:01,746 ♪ I'll sort of miss my second chance ♪ 631 00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:04,206 ♪ To have an early grave ♪ 632 00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:06,792 ♪ But even though you're filled with sin ♪ 633 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:09,420 ♪ Like Blind Side, you all took me in ♪ 634 00:27:09,420 --> 00:27:13,591 ♪ A foreigner who has no skin ♪ 635 00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:14,967 - Ah. 636 00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:17,178 - Get away from him! He's mine! 637 00:27:17,178 --> 00:27:20,431 - ♪ I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong ♪ 638 00:27:20,431 --> 00:27:21,974 ♪ Yes, you're dim and rather simple ♪ 639 00:27:21,974 --> 00:27:23,768 ♪ And you shouldn't wear a thong ♪ 640 00:27:23,768 --> 00:27:25,936 ♪ But it's clear I shall stay here ♪ 641 00:27:25,936 --> 00:27:29,148 ♪ For I was wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ 642 00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:31,942 ♪ Yes, it is clear I shall stay here ♪ 643 00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:34,904 ♪ Where I belong ♪ 644 00:27:34,904 --> 00:27:37,782 - All right, you can do it just this once. 645 00:27:37,782 --> 00:27:39,492 - Americaw! 646 00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:42,495 [heartfelt music] 647 00:27:42,495 --> 00:27:50,503 J"J" 648 00:27:57,134 --> 00:27:59,553 Good night, Ginny. - Good night, Claude. 649 00:27:59,553 --> 00:28:02,056 - Good night, Wayne. - Good night, Claude. 650 00:28:02,056 --> 00:28:04,725 - Good night, Cassidy. - Good night, Claude. 651 00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:07,478 - Good night, Kevin. - Good night, Claude. 652 00:28:07,478 --> 00:28:10,272 - Good night, Kevin's creepy, dead-eyed boy doll. 653 00:28:10,272 --> 00:28:11,649 - Shut "ut"! 654 00:28:11,649 --> 00:28:15,528 - Okay. Good night, America. 655 00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:21,200 [engine revving] 656 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,161 - Chet, you're gonna crash this thing! 657 00:28:24,161 --> 00:28:27,039 - We're already late, thanks to you. 658 00:28:27,039 --> 00:28:30,292 [patriotic music] 659 00:28:30,292 --> 00:28:33,003 [tires screech] 660 00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:34,714 Will you hurry up? 661 00:28:34,714 --> 00:28:37,299 - Well, I'm sorry. My flip-flop blew out. 662 00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:39,093 - Well, then you're gonna be left behind. 663 00:28:39,093 --> 00:28:42,888 I want to make sure Claude sees me cheering him on. 664 00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:45,015 Hey, there, Carl. Nice view, huh? 665 00:28:45,015 --> 00:28:46,350 - It's all right. 666 00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:47,560 - So, uh... [clears throat] 667 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,894 Any room up there for- 668 00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:50,354 - No. No, Chet, not really. 669 00:28:50,354 --> 00:28:51,897 I've been waiting here all morning. 670 00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:53,649 - Look, can you help a friend out? 671 00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:55,943 - I could help you, but then you'd come to depend 672 00:28:55,943 --> 00:28:58,612 on that help, like a welfare queen. 673 00:28:58,612 --> 00:29:01,490 - God dang it. [mumbling] 674 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:03,117 - Hey, uh, boss, check it out. 675 00:29:03,117 --> 00:29:06,579 It has dual quad carbs like an original muscle car, 676 00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,456 but I designed it to sit on a chassis 677 00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:09,999 of our existing midsize, 678 00:29:09,999 --> 00:29:11,667 so you'd only have to make a few tweaks 679 00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:13,836 on the assembly line to- - Yeah, yeah, whatever. 680 00:29:13,836 --> 00:29:15,921 You think maybe later I could have my picture taken 681 00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:17,423 with the French kid? 682 00:29:17,423 --> 00:29:18,924 - Sure, but maybe then can you look at the- 683 00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:20,551 - I'll definitely think about it, Wayne. 684 00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:23,220 Can we Photoshop Claude in with the CEO, do you think? 685 00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:24,805 - I guess - Yeah, great, great. 686 00:29:24,805 --> 00:29:27,183 I got to pee. 687 00:29:27,183 --> 00:29:30,478 - Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mayor Stan McEwen. 688 00:29:30,478 --> 00:29:32,354 I'm not sure what we're in store for today, 689 00:29:32,354 --> 00:29:34,523 but I know it will be special. 690 00:29:34,523 --> 00:29:36,192 It is my honor 691 00:29:36,192 --> 00:29:38,778 to present the chairwoman of my reelection campaign, 692 00:29:38,778 --> 00:29:40,571 Mrs. Ginny Wilson. 693 00:29:40,571 --> 00:29:42,740 [light applause] - Hello, everyone. 694 00:29:42,740 --> 00:29:44,617 I know you're waiting for the main event, 695 00:29:44,617 --> 00:29:46,952 so I'll just read from these prepared remarks 696 00:29:46,952 --> 00:29:49,038 written by our special guest. 697 00:29:49,038 --> 00:29:52,708 "Good afternoon, my cherished new American fiends." 698 00:29:52,708 --> 00:29:54,460 - Friends! Friends! 699 00:29:54,460 --> 00:29:57,880 - Sorry. Wha-it-it says "fiends" here. 700 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:01,509 - [chuckles nervously] That is a typo and not a Freudian slip 701 00:30:01,509 --> 00:30:03,552 reflecting something I used to believe 702 00:30:03,552 --> 00:30:05,638 with every fiber of my being. Goon 703 00:30:05,638 --> 00:30:07,431 - "I hope you will appreciate 704 00:30:07,431 --> 00:30:09,308 the wonderful surprise I hate for you." 705 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:10,643 [crowd gasps] - Have. 706 00:30:10,643 --> 00:30:12,186 - "And I hope it will kill you." 707 00:30:12,186 --> 00:30:13,979 - Thrill. More typos. 708 00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:15,856 Stupid AutoCorrect. 709 00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:18,442 Am I right? 710 00:30:18,442 --> 00:30:19,860 Maybe we should skip. 711 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,362 - Right, right. 712 00:30:21,362 --> 00:30:23,572 Well, clearly I'm not very good at this, 713 00:30:23,572 --> 00:30:25,491 so let me hand over the program 714 00:30:25,491 --> 00:30:27,576 to the reason we're all here today, 715 00:30:27,576 --> 00:30:30,079 Americaville's new favorite son, 716 00:30:30,079 --> 00:30:33,999 your friend and mine, Claude! 717 00:30:33,999 --> 00:30:35,543 [cheers and applause] 718 00:30:35,543 --> 00:30:38,546 [rock version of America the Beautiful] 719 00:30:38,546 --> 00:30:46,554 J"J" 720 00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:58,190 [bike crashes, man screams] 721 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,613 - Thank you! You are too kind. 722 00:31:04,613 --> 00:31:05,823 Okay. 723 00:31:05,823 --> 00:31:07,241 If I could have- 724 00:31:07,241 --> 00:31:10,202 Thank you. Really, this is too much. 725 00:31:10,202 --> 00:31:13,873 Thank you. If-Silence! 726 00:31:13,873 --> 00:31:15,958 [feedback whines] 727 00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:17,877 I've had some time to reflect 728 00:31:17,877 --> 00:31:20,880 on what you wonderful people in this wonderful town 729 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,507 in this wonderful country mean to me. 730 00:31:23,507 --> 00:31:26,051 And today I, Claude, from France, 731 00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:28,304 want to pay you back for the hospitality 732 00:31:28,304 --> 00:31:29,638 you have shown me, 733 00:31:29,638 --> 00:31:31,765 to thank not just the Wilson family. 734 00:31:31,765 --> 00:31:33,767 Give them a hand. [applause] 735 00:31:33,767 --> 00:31:35,728 There they are. 736 00:31:35,728 --> 00:31:38,647 Very nice. 737 00:31:38,647 --> 00:31:41,817 Cassidy, please, don't get hooked on me. 738 00:31:41,817 --> 00:31:44,820 Choose one of the many idiot boys in this town. 739 00:31:44,820 --> 00:31:47,072 And, Kevin, I like you. I really do. 740 00:31:47,072 --> 00:31:48,991 Put down that stupid dummy. 741 00:31:48,991 --> 00:31:52,661 You will never get girls as long as you have that thing. 742 00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:56,582 Anyway, I am so grateful to all of you 743 00:31:56,582 --> 00:31:59,418 that I have decided to present you with a gift, 744 00:31:59,418 --> 00:32:02,713 much as you Americans were given the Statue of Liberty 745 00:32:02,713 --> 00:32:04,632 by my country of France- 746 00:32:04,632 --> 00:32:06,884 France being the place lam from and no place else. 747 00:32:06,884 --> 00:32:10,095 Here it is! 748 00:32:10,095 --> 00:32:12,848 - Hey, that's just Big Rock Rock. 749 00:32:12,848 --> 00:32:14,683 Hmm. - Yes... 750 00:32:14,683 --> 00:32:17,561 But thanks to my talents in explosives, 751 00:32:17,561 --> 00:32:20,230 talents which I learned along with every other 752 00:32:20,230 --> 00:32:23,400 French school boy in France, the land of my birth, 753 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,402 I present to you... 754 00:32:25,402 --> 00:32:29,239 Mount America Foreverberg! 755 00:32:29,239 --> 00:32:32,534 [cheers and applause] 756 00:32:32,534 --> 00:32:36,288 These are your four greatest American icons- 757 00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:39,208 billionaire wig model Donald Trump... 758 00:32:39,208 --> 00:32:42,127 professional man-hater Taylor Swift... 759 00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:45,589 tiny ageless weirdo Tom Cruise... 760 00:32:45,589 --> 00:32:50,094 and famed drug lord Lance Armstrong! 761 00:32:50,094 --> 00:32:52,763 - I'm getting a hankering for the full-on salute. 762 00:32:52,763 --> 00:32:55,724 - Oh. So you still do get those? 763 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:58,227 - Tom Cruise starred in one of my favorite films, 764 00:32:58,227 --> 00:32:59,687 Jerry Maguire. 765 00:32:59,687 --> 00:33:01,897 I got misty when Renee Zellweger dumped him. 766 00:33:01,897 --> 00:33:05,818 - Thanks for the spoiler, jerk. I haven't watched it yet. 767 00:33:05,818 --> 00:33:08,737 [cheers and applause] - We love you! 768 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:10,447 - Way to go. - You're the best, Achmed. 769 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:14,493 - My American dream has come true. 770 00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:17,997 I believe I can safely say, with no fear of being 771 00:33:17,997 --> 00:33:20,416 ironically contradicted, that nothing, 772 00:33:20,416 --> 00:33:23,544 I mean nothing, can ruin this golden moment. 773 00:33:23,544 --> 00:33:26,755 - Hello, Achmed. 774 00:33:26,755 --> 00:33:29,008 - Holy crap. 775 00:33:29,008 --> 00:33:34,054 - United States Americans, my name is Hassan al-Hassan. 776 00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:35,889 - Hey, that there's a terrorist. 777 00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:37,182 - Nice going, Chet. 778 00:33:37,182 --> 00:33:38,934 Just because he has an Arabic name, 779 00:33:38,934 --> 00:33:41,020 he's automatically a terrorist. 780 00:33:41,020 --> 00:33:42,646 - I am a terrorist. 781 00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:46,025 - Welcome to America. 782 00:33:46,025 --> 00:33:48,485 - This person is a traitor! 783 00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:52,948 Achmed's name isn't Claude. Achmed's name is Achmed. 784 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:54,074 - It is? 785 00:33:54,074 --> 00:33:57,202 - And he is a terrorist. - He is? 786 00:33:57,202 --> 00:33:59,204 - And he is a skeleton. 787 00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:00,581 - He is? 788 00:34:00,581 --> 00:34:02,666 - A re r-re re-to n? - I am? 789 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:06,378 - Yeah, but if his name is Achmed, then where's Claude? 790 00:34:06,378 --> 00:34:09,381 [French accordion music] 791 00:34:09,381 --> 00:34:11,508 J"J" 792 00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:14,470 [crowd gasps] 793 00:34:14,470 --> 00:34:16,638 - Is what he said true? 794 00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:18,474 - No! Well... 795 00:34:18,474 --> 00:34:22,019 No, no, no, I'm no terrorist. I'm a nice guy. 796 00:34:22,019 --> 00:34:25,147 You know, the real me, production-number me. 797 00:34:25,147 --> 00:34:26,440 Remember my song? 798 00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:28,067 Everything you know about me 799 00:34:28,067 --> 00:34:30,694 says I'm a great guy and a true American. 800 00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:34,782 - Everything except this! 801 00:34:34,782 --> 00:34:37,284 I found this in his room. 802 00:34:37,284 --> 00:34:39,286 All his plans to blow us up are in here... 803 00:34:39,286 --> 00:34:43,040 and some weird drawings of him riding a flying horse? 804 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:46,085 - It was a superhero character I was working on- 805 00:34:46,085 --> 00:34:47,920 Turban Cowboy. 806 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:49,630 It's turban time. 807 00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:52,883 Well, now that I hear it out loud... 808 00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:55,594 [all murmuring] 809 00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:57,054 Come on, guys. 810 00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:58,764 This is America, where if you're white, 811 00:34:58,764 --> 00:35:00,599 you can get away with anything. 812 00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:03,393 And there's nobody whiter than me. 813 00:35:03,393 --> 00:35:04,937 [all murmuring] 814 00:35:04,937 --> 00:35:06,605 - I know him. In my heart, it's not true. 815 00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:09,566 - Crazy. - What about my reelection? 816 00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:11,735 - I think he might be a terrorist. 817 00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:14,530 - Please, I beg you. Listen to me. 818 00:35:14,530 --> 00:35:16,949 - Are any of us what we really appear to be? 819 00:35:16,949 --> 00:35:18,617 - Daddy, maybe he is a terrorist. 820 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:20,619 - If you would only listen. 821 00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:22,538 [all talking at once] 822 00:35:22,538 --> 00:35:24,206 Silence! I kill you! 823 00:35:24,206 --> 00:35:28,001 [crowd gasps] 824 00:35:28,001 --> 00:35:32,464 Is what a real terrorist might say. 825 00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,843 - I guess we should call the police. 826 00:35:35,843 --> 00:35:38,804 - Not necessary. I'm a deputy. 827 00:35:38,804 --> 00:35:40,139 - You bought that at a toy store. 828 00:35:40,139 --> 00:35:41,849 - I didn't buy this at no toy store. 829 00:35:41,849 --> 00:35:43,142 [sun cocks] 830 00:35:43,142 --> 00:35:44,852 I won it at a church raffle. 831 00:35:44,852 --> 00:35:47,813 Say your prayers, bonehead. 832 00:35:47,813 --> 00:35:50,524 [helicopter blades thrumming, sirens wailing] 833 00:35:53,318 --> 00:35:56,530 - This is FBI agent Jack Bauer. 834 00:35:56,530 --> 00:35:57,823 All: Ooh! 835 00:35:57,823 --> 00:35:59,575 - Not the one from TV. 836 00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:01,785 All: Aw! 837 00:36:01,785 --> 00:36:04,246 - It's my real name. It's fairly common. 838 00:36:04,246 --> 00:36:07,166 I get this all the time. Calm down. 839 00:36:07,166 --> 00:36:11,795 You have 24 seconds to surrender, starting now. 840 00:36:11,795 --> 00:36:13,922 [beeping] 841 00:36:13,922 --> 00:36:16,842 - Oh, no, I'm too pretty for prison. 842 00:36:16,842 --> 00:36:18,552 - Yes, you are. 843 00:36:18,552 --> 00:36:20,179 - Achmed, before you go, 844 00:36:20,179 --> 00:36:22,181 there's someone who wants to say something. 845 00:36:22,181 --> 00:36:25,601 You're a "dad" man! You should "de" ashamed. 846 00:36:25,601 --> 00:36:27,895 - That toy is possessed with a human spirit! 847 00:36:30,522 --> 00:36:34,276 - Foot bones, don't fail me now! 848 00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:37,154 - Stop it, Chet. You're gonna hurt somebody. 849 00:36:37,154 --> 00:36:41,116 - Freedom ain't free, Ev. 850 00:36:41,116 --> 00:36:42,910 [gun cocks] - Not so fast! 851 00:36:42,910 --> 00:36:45,954 I've got a Mexican, and I'm not afraid to use it. 852 00:36:45,954 --> 00:36:47,915 - I am not an "it." My name is Carlos. 853 00:36:47,915 --> 00:36:49,541 - This is not about you. 854 00:36:49,541 --> 00:36:52,377 Anybody makes a move, and I blow him. 855 00:36:52,377 --> 00:36:54,087 [insect abruptly stops chirping] 856 00:36:57,549 --> 00:37:00,219 With the leaf blower. 857 00:37:00,219 --> 00:37:02,387 I can't believe you all went there. 858 00:37:02,387 --> 00:37:04,056 I am so disappointed. 859 00:37:04,056 --> 00:37:06,892 Ah, screw it. 860 00:37:12,481 --> 00:37:16,401 Good-bye, Americaville. 861 00:37:16,401 --> 00:37:17,945 - Hello, traitor. 862 00:37:17,945 --> 00:37:19,404 - [muffled screams] Hassan! 863 00:37:24,785 --> 00:37:28,914 - It's day five of "America Made to Look Stupid." 864 00:37:28,914 --> 00:37:32,042 The little town of Americaville deals with the revelation 865 00:37:32,042 --> 00:37:35,462 that they've been harboring the known terrorist Achmed 866 00:37:35,462 --> 00:37:37,756 who lived among them in disguise. 867 00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:39,508 Reaction to this story has come 868 00:37:39,508 --> 00:37:41,510 from across the political spectrum, 869 00:37:41,510 --> 00:37:43,387 with Democrats and Republicans 870 00:37:43,387 --> 00:37:45,931 finally finding common ground on something. 871 00:37:45,931 --> 00:37:49,643 Americaville, now known as Terrorist Town, USA, 872 00:37:49,643 --> 00:37:53,397 is the worst city in the entire United States. 873 00:37:53,397 --> 00:37:54,898 - It's a town of pinheads, 874 00:37:54,898 --> 00:37:56,358 and the biggest pinheads of all 875 00:37:56,358 --> 00:37:58,277 are the family that harbored the terrorist. 876 00:37:58,277 --> 00:37:59,945 And they're the subject of my new book, 877 00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:01,446 Killing the Wilsons. 878 00:38:01,446 --> 00:38:04,408 - America is a country of laws and due process, 879 00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:05,742 but in the Wilsons' case, 880 00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:07,869 a drone strike is too good for them. 881 00:38:07,869 --> 00:38:09,496 - Are we even sure 882 00:38:09,496 --> 00:38:11,123 that Mr. Wilson is the father of this terrorist? 883 00:38:11,123 --> 00:38:12,958 [cheers and applause] 884 00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:16,086 - [chomping] 885 00:38:16,086 --> 00:38:17,587 Hmm? 886 00:38:17,587 --> 00:38:19,172 - Automaker U.S. Motors, 887 00:38:19,172 --> 00:38:22,134 where terrorist harborer Wayne Wilson once worked, 888 00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:24,886 announced today that, as a gesture of apology, 889 00:38:24,886 --> 00:38:26,805 they will close their Americaville plant, 890 00:38:26,805 --> 00:38:28,473 demolish it, burn the ruins, 891 00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:29,975 lock the ashes in a concrete vault, 892 00:38:29,975 --> 00:38:32,311 and bury the vault under Giants Stadium. 893 00:38:32,311 --> 00:38:34,896 - Would you mind if we turned that off? 894 00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:37,399 - Sorry. We're under orders to make you watch it 895 00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:39,776 and keep TiVo-ing back to the beginning. 896 00:38:39,776 --> 00:38:42,029 - And they're the subject of my new book, 897 00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:46,700 Killing the Wilsons. 898 00:38:46,700 --> 00:38:48,452 - So that's your testimony. 899 00:38:48,452 --> 00:38:51,705 You had no idea this fella was a terrorist or a skeleton? 900 00:38:51,705 --> 00:38:53,373 - No, we just liked him. 901 00:38:53,373 --> 00:38:54,958 - Okay, we're done here. 902 00:38:54,958 --> 00:38:56,668 - Thank you. 903 00:38:56,668 --> 00:38:58,879 Maybe we can go back to some version of our lives and- 904 00:38:58,879 --> 00:39:00,297 - No, ma'am, you don't understand. 905 00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:02,424 I said we're done here. 906 00:39:02,424 --> 00:39:07,179 [bus beeps] 907 00:39:07,179 --> 00:39:09,598 - This is not the America I grew up in. 908 00:39:09,598 --> 00:39:11,266 - I advise you to be quiet. 909 00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:13,268 Anything you say may be used against you at trial. 910 00:39:13,268 --> 00:39:15,645 - [whispering indistinctly] - Oh, there won't be a trial. 911 00:39:15,645 --> 00:39:17,230 Uh, no worries, then. Here we go. 912 00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:20,025 [mariachi music] 913 00:39:20,025 --> 00:39:21,485 J"J" 914 00:39:21,485 --> 00:39:25,364 - My friends, today your new life begins, 915 00:39:25,364 --> 00:39:29,451 for just on the other side of this tunnel is America 916 00:39:29,451 --> 00:39:33,538 and your new Home... Depot parking lot. 917 00:39:33,538 --> 00:39:35,040 ' Yes! 918 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:37,501 Oh, we are finally out of that wretched place 919 00:39:37,501 --> 00:39:39,961 and away from those horrible people. 920 00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:44,299 But you guys have fun. Knock yourselves out. 921 00:39:44,299 --> 00:39:47,302 [mariachi music] 922 00:39:47,302 --> 00:39:49,971 J"J" 923 00:39:49,971 --> 00:39:53,141 - I can't believe the Wilsons just gave me up 924 00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:55,143 after all we meant to each other. 925 00:39:55,143 --> 00:39:56,520 I broke bread with them. 926 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:58,647 I put a bomb in their guest room. 927 00:39:58,647 --> 00:40:00,816 - How could you let yourself be brainwashed 928 00:40:00,816 --> 00:40:03,276 by those infidels, after we spent so much time 929 00:40:03,276 --> 00:40:04,903 brainwashing you to hate them? 930 00:40:04,903 --> 00:40:07,739 - I guess I am just washable. 931 00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:09,616 - Soon this will all be over, 932 00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:12,786 and the decadent nation will only be a bitter memory. 933 00:40:12,786 --> 00:40:15,622 Two tickets for the Third World, please, first-class. 934 00:40:15,622 --> 00:40:17,916 - May the Wilsons rot in hell! 935 00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:20,627 I am glad I will never see them again. 936 00:40:20,627 --> 00:40:22,504 Wait. What's this? 937 00:40:22,504 --> 00:40:25,132 - There we see the escaped terrorist's accomplices 938 00:40:25,132 --> 00:40:26,425 being led away to prison. 939 00:40:26,425 --> 00:40:28,677 - Terrorist lovers, go home! 940 00:40:28,677 --> 00:40:31,012 Go back to another country! 941 00:40:31,012 --> 00:40:32,639 - They were not my accomplices. 942 00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:35,225 I was the mastermind of this fiasco. 943 00:40:35,225 --> 00:40:36,893 - If I could just say one thing... 944 00:40:36,893 --> 00:40:39,479 Claude, Achmed, wherever you are, 945 00:40:39,479 --> 00:40:41,690 if you can hear me... - I can! 946 00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:44,359 - We know you're really a nice boy, 947 00:40:44,359 --> 00:40:47,737 and we hope you're okay. 948 00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,406 - [bleep]! 949 00:40:49,406 --> 00:40:52,117 What? 950 00:40:52,117 --> 00:40:54,369 - The Wilsons are put onto the prison bus and... 951 00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:59,875 goooooooooal! 952 00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:02,586 - I can't let the Wilsons become the first innocent people 953 00:41:02,586 --> 00:41:04,796 ever wrongly imprisoned in America. 954 00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:07,299 Hassan, you must take me back there to help them. 955 00:41:07,299 --> 00:41:08,884 - You are insane. 956 00:41:08,884 --> 00:41:10,594 I wouldn't pay more attention to the shrieks 957 00:41:10,594 --> 00:41:12,471 of a rabid water buffalo. 958 00:41:12,471 --> 00:41:15,098 - Oh, yes, how is your wife? [laughs] 959 00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:18,477 Zing, boom! American put-down humor. 960 00:41:18,477 --> 00:41:21,062 - For that, I should kill until you are dead. 961 00:41:21,062 --> 00:41:23,565 But she is fine. She's lost some weight. 962 00:41:23,565 --> 00:41:25,317 She's more cow than water buffalo. 963 00:41:25,317 --> 00:41:27,360 Anyway, come to your senses! 964 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:30,947 Why do you want to go back to that devil-filled country? 965 00:41:30,947 --> 00:41:33,074 - All right, I will tell you. 966 00:41:33,074 --> 00:41:35,911 I want you to imagine a place where all are equal 967 00:41:35,911 --> 00:41:39,331 and all are welcome, no matter where you came from 968 00:41:39,331 --> 00:41:42,542 or who your father was or how much land you own. 969 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:45,837 It's a place dedicated to the pursuit of happiness, 970 00:41:45,837 --> 00:41:49,299 where all the good things in life are spread before you. 971 00:41:49,299 --> 00:41:53,261 And it is your right to take as much as your heart desires. 972 00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:58,683 This place, my friend, is called HomeBound Buffet. 973 00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:00,435 And America is filled with them. 974 00:42:00,435 --> 00:42:03,355 Loom 975 00:42:03,355 --> 00:42:07,776 - These people- they all seem so happy. 976 00:42:07,776 --> 00:42:10,946 - That's what unlimited buffet does for a nation. 977 00:42:10,946 --> 00:42:12,239 - Unlimited? 978 00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:14,824 Surely there must be some limits. 979 00:42:14,824 --> 00:42:16,117 - Nope. 980 00:42:16,117 --> 00:42:18,453 - All right, they serve dinner, yes, 981 00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,664 but surely not desert. 982 00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:25,043 - Bottomless frozen-yogurt bar with all kinds of toppings- 983 00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:28,004 Oreo, Snickers, Cap'n Crunch. 984 00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:30,340 - Don't say Butterfingers. Don't say Butterfingers. 985 00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:32,217 - Butterfingers. 986 00:42:32,217 --> 00:42:35,178 - [gasps] I must go there at once. 987 00:42:36,805 --> 00:42:39,307 [grunting] Let me in! 988 00:42:39,307 --> 00:42:42,435 I must go to... Route 75, America, 989 00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,646 at the West Town Country Mall at once. 990 00:42:44,646 --> 00:42:47,274 - No! We have to save the Wilsons first. 991 00:42:47,274 --> 00:42:49,901 - Just a little fro-yo? - Okay. 992 00:42:49,901 --> 00:42:53,655 One standard serving of fro-yo, no more than two toppings. 993 00:42:53,655 --> 00:42:54,656 - Ooh, yay! 994 00:42:55,615 --> 00:42:56,783 - Let us in! 995 00:42:56,783 --> 00:42:58,076 [siren wailing] - Hey, you. 996 00:42:58,076 --> 00:42:59,369 Get away from there. 997 00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:01,246 - Holy crap. It's the po-po. 998 00:43:01,246 --> 00:43:04,082 That's the funny name they have for police in America. 999 00:43:04,082 --> 00:43:05,500 - I love it. 1000 00:43:05,500 --> 00:43:08,211 - I said get out of here. No entry! 1001 00:43:08,211 --> 00:43:10,213 - But we have to save our friends. 1002 00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:12,340 The FBI thinks they are terrorists, 1003 00:43:12,340 --> 00:43:13,842 but they're not. 1004 00:43:13,842 --> 00:43:16,219 We are... 1005 00:43:16,219 --> 00:43:18,805 is what a bad person would say 1006 00:43:18,805 --> 00:43:21,391 in the scene from our new Broadway musical, 1007 00:43:21,391 --> 00:43:23,685 Les Mis Arabs. 1008 00:43:23,685 --> 00:43:24,978 Uh, got to go! 1009 00:43:24,978 --> 00:43:27,230 - Terrorists! After 'em! 1010 00:43:27,230 --> 00:43:29,482 [siren wailing] 1011 00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:36,823 - Achmed, I am so sorry. What do we do now? 1012 00:43:36,823 --> 00:43:38,491 - We do what Americans do. 1013 00:43:38,491 --> 00:43:40,118 - Eat? - No. 1014 00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,746 What Americans do when they run out of options. 1015 00:43:42,746 --> 00:43:44,456 - Throw a Hail Mary pass? 1016 00:43:44,456 --> 00:43:46,207 - Close. They pray. 1017 00:43:46,207 --> 00:43:49,461 - But we pray all the time, like, 38 times a day. 1018 00:43:49,461 --> 00:43:52,088 - No, no, we have to pray like Americans. 1019 00:43:52,088 --> 00:43:53,673 - How is that? 1020 00:43:53,673 --> 00:43:56,051 - They ask for things like sports victories, 1021 00:43:56,051 --> 00:43:59,054 no pregnancy, and celebrity side boob. 1022 00:43:59,054 --> 00:44:01,640 - What do we pray for- side boob? 1023 00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:03,266 - No. A miracle. 1024 00:44:06,603 --> 00:44:09,439 [haunting chant] 1025 00:44:09,439 --> 00:44:11,858 J"J" 1026 00:44:11,858 --> 00:44:13,985 Aah! 1027 00:44:13,985 --> 00:44:15,278 - Side boob. 1028 00:44:15,278 --> 00:44:17,238 Aah! Aah! 1029 00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:19,115 [eagle screeches] 1030 00:44:19,115 --> 00:44:20,617 It's American. 1031 00:44:20,617 --> 00:44:23,161 - Yes, bald eagle, mighty American symbol, 1032 00:44:23,161 --> 00:44:25,538 who is the second-place choice after a turkey, 1033 00:44:25,538 --> 00:44:27,999 take us into America. 1034 00:44:27,999 --> 00:44:31,378 It's turban time! 1035 00:44:31,378 --> 00:44:34,381 [rock music] 1036 00:44:34,381 --> 00:44:42,138 J"J" 1037 00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,698 [eagle screeches] 1038 00:44:59,698 --> 00:45:02,909 [both screaming] 1039 00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:09,457 - We have live team coverage of the bus convoy 1040 00:45:09,457 --> 00:45:11,876 as it slowly makes its way down the main street 1041 00:45:11,876 --> 00:45:14,713 of Americaville and on to Guantanamo. 1042 00:45:14,713 --> 00:45:17,173 Let's go now live to our Madison Ashford, 1043 00:45:17,173 --> 00:45:18,800 who's embedded with the terrorist family 1044 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,719 and their captors. 1045 00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:23,888 - Dave, I'm here with the terrorist sympathizers. 1046 00:45:23,888 --> 00:45:26,933 - We simply gave him a home. 1047 00:45:26,933 --> 00:45:28,560 - Confessed terrorist sympathizers 1048 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:30,895 as they head to their well-earned imprisonment. 1049 00:45:30,895 --> 00:45:34,733 - There's no place like home. 1050 00:45:34,733 --> 00:45:36,943 - Another barrage of eggs has hit the bus. 1051 00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:39,279 That's why I'm in body armor. 1052 00:45:39,279 --> 00:45:41,239 - There's my Girl Scout leader 1053 00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,576 and my civics teacher. 1054 00:45:44,576 --> 00:45:46,578 - Well, who threw all those? 1055 00:45:46,578 --> 00:45:48,413 - Father O'Malley and Rabbi Weisman 1056 00:45:48,413 --> 00:45:51,499 are holding a slingshot for lmam Abdullah. 1057 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,338 - Well, at least we helped bring some people together. 1058 00:45:57,338 --> 00:46:00,508 - Wilsons, if there's a hell, you're going to it. 1059 00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:02,010 - Hey, when this is over, 1060 00:46:02,010 --> 00:46:04,846 you guys want to walk into a bar? 1061 00:46:04,846 --> 00:46:07,849 [Americana music] 1062 00:46:07,849 --> 00:46:09,976 J"J" 1063 00:46:09,976 --> 00:46:12,896 - Oh. [chomping] 1064 00:46:12,896 --> 00:46:14,981 Oh! 1065 00:46:18,777 --> 00:46:21,362 Oh! lam so full. 1066 00:46:21,362 --> 00:46:23,531 I think America is going to mean death to me. 1067 00:46:23,531 --> 00:46:24,949 [laughs] 1068 00:46:24,949 --> 00:46:27,786 - Funny. That could be the title of your memoir. 1069 00:46:27,786 --> 00:46:31,039 - That's a little too on the nose for me. 1070 00:46:31,039 --> 00:46:33,833 I will ask the Wilsons what they think about it. 1071 00:46:33,833 --> 00:46:36,294 - The Wilsons! We've got to save them. 1072 00:46:36,294 --> 00:46:38,129 Hassan, we must leave now, 1073 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:41,341 but stealthfully to avoid detection. 1074 00:46:44,594 --> 00:46:45,970 - How was your meal, gentlemen? 1075 00:46:45,970 --> 00:46:47,806 - Oh, it was perfect, so delicious. 1076 00:46:47,806 --> 00:46:49,432 But we have to go now. 1077 00:46:49,432 --> 00:46:50,725 - We're bringing out a new trough 1078 00:46:50,725 --> 00:46:52,018 of Butterfinger pieces. 1079 00:46:52,018 --> 00:46:54,270 - How very fattening of you. Thanks. 1080 00:46:54,270 --> 00:46:57,774 - Are they freshly crumbled? - You bet ya. 1081 00:46:57,774 --> 00:47:00,193 - Much as we'd like to gorge ourselves into an early grave, 1082 00:47:00,193 --> 00:47:02,195 we really have to go... now! 1083 00:47:02,195 --> 00:47:04,739 [both arguing in native language] 1084 00:47:04,739 --> 00:47:07,116 Charlie Sheen. [both continue arguing] 1085 00:47:07,116 --> 00:47:08,868 Bush. - Is something wrong? 1086 00:47:08,868 --> 00:47:11,162 - Oh, no, it's all hunky-dory. 1087 00:47:11,162 --> 00:47:12,664 What could be wrong? 1088 00:47:12,664 --> 00:47:14,332 We've had our ridiculously huge dinner, 1089 00:47:14,332 --> 00:47:16,209 burped and farted to our heart's content, 1090 00:47:16,209 --> 00:47:18,920 and now we're leaving, just like any other Americans- 1091 00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,965 [gasps] 1092 00:47:21,965 --> 00:47:23,800 I look so young in that picture. 1093 00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,344 [guns cocking] 1094 00:47:26,344 --> 00:47:28,680 Holy crap. 1095 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,850 [chuckles] Well, it looks like you've got us. 1096 00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:33,726 Oh, look, they're putting out more pizza bread. 1097 00:47:33,726 --> 00:47:36,604 All: Ooh! - Go! Go, go, go, go! 1098 00:47:48,867 --> 00:47:51,786 [bell dinging] 1099 00:47:58,042 --> 00:48:00,169 [chomping] 1100 00:48:00,169 --> 00:48:02,547 [burps] More sprinkles, please. 1101 00:48:02,547 --> 00:48:05,300 Oh, and some fresh bread. 1102 00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:24,694 - Wow. This country throws out so many cars. 1103 00:48:24,694 --> 00:48:26,279 It's fantastic! 1104 00:48:26,279 --> 00:48:27,906 - I know, right? 1105 00:48:27,906 --> 00:48:29,449 This is not good. 1106 00:48:29,449 --> 00:48:32,201 The Wilsons need me, and I've let them down. 1107 00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:34,913 The least I can do, in case we don't make it, 1108 00:48:34,913 --> 00:48:37,832 is write a note that clears them. 1109 00:48:37,832 --> 00:48:39,250 Can it be? 1110 00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:41,753 Hassan, how are you at building things? 1111 00:48:41,753 --> 00:48:43,838 - Not as good as blowing things up. 1112 00:48:43,838 --> 00:48:45,423 - That's going to have to change. 1113 00:48:45,423 --> 00:48:48,885 Grab that welding crap and come with me. 1114 00:48:48,885 --> 00:48:52,013 - What are we building? - You'll see! 1115 00:49:00,730 --> 00:49:02,607 - These are hurting my wrists. 1116 00:49:02,607 --> 00:49:05,985 - Sorry, ma'am. I'm under orders. 1117 00:49:05,985 --> 00:49:09,113 All right. 1118 00:49:09,113 --> 00:49:10,823 - You can do that? 1119 00:49:10,823 --> 00:49:12,742 - It's highly classified. 1120 00:49:12,742 --> 00:49:14,702 - So are you. 1121 00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:17,038 - I'm not sure you know what that word means, 1122 00:49:17,038 --> 00:49:18,873 but thank you. 1123 00:49:21,209 --> 00:49:25,129 - Ooh, Chris Matthews is going to get moist over this. 1124 00:49:27,173 --> 00:49:29,634 - Honey, ain't this the best anniversary present, 1125 00:49:29,634 --> 00:49:31,970 seeing our neighbors go to prison? 1126 00:49:31,970 --> 00:49:33,721 - Jewelry's nice. 1127 00:49:33,721 --> 00:49:35,682 - Hey, what song should I play now? 1128 00:49:35,682 --> 00:49:37,016 [snorts] 1129 00:49:37,016 --> 00:49:39,018 How about America, Eff Yeah, 1130 00:49:39,018 --> 00:49:40,853 from that Team America movie? 1131 00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:42,855 - That song is ironic, Chet. 1132 00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:45,483 - It ain't ironic if you don't get the joke. 1133 00:49:48,528 --> 00:49:50,113 " Ow! 1134 00:49:50,113 --> 00:49:51,823 That better be cage-free. 1135 00:49:51,823 --> 00:49:54,993 - Bite my justice, you arugula-eating left turd! 1136 00:49:54,993 --> 00:49:56,077 [laughing] 1137 00:49:57,036 --> 00:49:58,329 - Now, I know things look bad, 1138 00:49:58,329 --> 00:50:00,123 but we can't just give up. 1139 00:50:00,123 --> 00:50:01,916 We have to maintain hope 1140 00:50:01,916 --> 00:50:04,919 that something or someone can save us. 1141 00:50:04,919 --> 00:50:06,921 - That's right, kids. 1142 00:50:06,921 --> 00:50:08,923 We have to hope for something better 1143 00:50:08,923 --> 00:50:10,883 because that's what we do. 1144 00:50:10,883 --> 00:50:14,053 I don't know who will help us. It could be a stranger. 1145 00:50:14,053 --> 00:50:16,014 It could be someone who hasn't been born yet. 1146 00:50:16,014 --> 00:50:17,724 It could be- 1147 00:50:17,724 --> 00:50:19,183 Flaming skull! 1148 00:50:19,183 --> 00:50:20,768 - Is that a superhero? 1149 00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:23,312 - No, it's a flaming skull! Loom 1150 00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:27,692 [engine revving] 1151 00:50:27,692 --> 00:50:30,653 - Greetings, infidels! 1152 00:50:30,653 --> 00:50:32,363 - It's Claude. 1153 00:50:32,363 --> 00:50:34,991 - My name is Achmed! 1154 00:50:36,451 --> 00:50:39,287 [tires squealing] 1155 00:50:41,122 --> 00:50:43,750 - [speaking French] 1156 00:50:46,252 --> 00:50:50,089 - Girl car! 1157 00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:52,842 Wiener substitute! 1158 00:50:52,842 --> 00:50:54,761 - Ah, hell, no. 1159 00:50:57,638 --> 00:50:59,140 - Leave him alone, Chet! 1160 00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:01,017 You're what's wrong with America! 1161 00:51:01,017 --> 00:51:03,352 - No! You're what's wrong with America! 1162 00:51:03,352 --> 00:51:04,645 Americaw! 1163 00:51:04,645 --> 00:51:08,691 - Gentlemen, you are both correct! 1164 00:51:08,691 --> 00:51:11,152 - Hey, what the- Get out of my way! 1165 00:51:11,152 --> 00:51:12,445 - I hate you, Chet! 1166 00:51:12,445 --> 00:51:13,738 - Damn- - I've always hated you! 1167 00:51:13,738 --> 00:51:15,031 - Turd car! 1168 00:51:15,031 --> 00:51:18,034 - HEY- 1169 00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,452 Oh. Sorry. 1170 00:51:19,452 --> 00:51:20,745 - No worries. 1171 00:51:20,745 --> 00:51:23,790 We've got Obamacare. 1172 00:51:23,790 --> 00:51:27,085 Hello, Wilsons! I love you! 1173 00:51:27,085 --> 00:51:28,544 - Whoa! 1174 00:51:28,544 --> 00:51:31,422 - Even you, you little backstabber! 1175 00:51:31,422 --> 00:51:33,299 - Thanks, Achmed. 1176 00:51:33,299 --> 00:51:36,302 - I still say he's a bad man! 1177 00:51:36,302 --> 00:51:39,013 - Someone has been practicing! 1178 00:51:39,013 --> 00:51:40,681 - Thanks! 1179 00:51:43,226 --> 00:51:48,689 - Great Hoover's pantyhose. What the hell? 1180 00:51:48,689 --> 00:51:50,942 - I am turning myself in. 1181 00:51:50,942 --> 00:51:52,318 - He's turning himself into a bomb. 1182 00:51:52,318 --> 00:51:54,779 - I think he said, "Turning myself in." 1183 00:51:54,779 --> 00:51:56,823 - When did you graduate from Quantico? 1184 00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:58,116 Prepare to fire. 1185 00:51:58,116 --> 00:52:01,077 - How is it going? 1186 00:52:01,077 --> 00:52:02,870 - Been better, been worse. 1187 00:52:02,870 --> 00:52:06,124 - Don't shoot! Please, hear him out. 1188 00:52:06,124 --> 00:52:09,877 - Ladies and gentlemen and big dangerous guns, 1189 00:52:09,877 --> 00:52:12,672 I came back to tell you that these wonderful people, 1190 00:52:12,672 --> 00:52:16,592 the Wilsons, do not deserve to be taken to prison. 1191 00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:18,719 I do. [all gasp] 1192 00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:21,639 - Wait, wait, wait. Why did we all just gasp? 1193 00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:23,266 We know he should go to prison. 1194 00:52:23,266 --> 00:52:24,559 - I don't know. 1195 00:52:24,559 --> 00:52:26,269 I feel kind of stupid about that now. 1196 00:52:26,269 --> 00:52:28,062 - It's true that I came here 1197 00:52:28,062 --> 00:52:29,939 with the intent of doing you harm, 1198 00:52:29,939 --> 00:52:31,774 but that is all over. 1199 00:52:31,774 --> 00:52:34,402 And the Wilsons had nothing to do with it 1200 00:52:34,402 --> 00:52:36,821 because they are decent, kind people, 1201 00:52:36,821 --> 00:52:39,157 like Americans everywhere. 1202 00:52:39,157 --> 00:52:41,159 - Let me know when you got the shot. 1203 00:52:41,159 --> 00:52:43,202 - Roger that. 1204 00:52:43,202 --> 00:52:47,123 - The Wilsons' only crime was seeing the best in me, 1205 00:52:47,123 --> 00:52:51,002 and my only crime was not seeing the best in them... 1206 00:52:51,002 --> 00:52:54,005 and plotting to blow up the whole town, yada, yada. 1207 00:52:54,005 --> 00:52:55,923 - If I may say a word or two. 1208 00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:58,843 - Of course, sir. Where's my kill shot, people? 1209 00:52:58,843 --> 00:53:00,219 - I don't see him. 1210 00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:02,513 Oh, wait. 1211 00:53:02,513 --> 00:53:04,557 That's better. We're clear. 1212 00:53:04,557 --> 00:53:06,434 Subject is in the target zone. 1213 00:53:06,434 --> 00:53:08,352 - On my command, in three... 1214 00:53:08,352 --> 00:53:09,770 - I'd like to say a few words 1215 00:53:09,770 --> 00:53:12,440 about this remarkable young man. 1216 00:53:12,440 --> 00:53:14,942 - Hey, whoever is playing with that laser pen out there 1217 00:53:14,942 --> 00:53:16,485 should really stop. 1218 00:53:16,485 --> 00:53:18,029 You could detach a retina. 1219 00:53:18,029 --> 00:53:19,322 - They're going to shoot him. 1220 00:53:19,322 --> 00:53:20,907 - ..Two, one, f- 1221 00:53:20,907 --> 00:53:23,201 - Sniper team, stand down! 1222 00:53:23,201 --> 00:53:24,785 - What- Who is that? 1223 00:53:24,785 --> 00:53:26,579 - I said stand down! 1224 00:53:26,579 --> 00:53:28,706 That is a direct order! 1225 00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:30,458 This is General Charles McCarthy 1226 00:53:30,458 --> 00:53:32,335 of the United States Joint Command, 1227 00:53:32,335 --> 00:53:35,713 and I order you to stand down now! 1228 00:53:35,713 --> 00:53:37,131 That's better. 1229 00:53:37,131 --> 00:53:39,800 - It's a miracle. - Kind of. 1230 00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:42,887 - Now toss your weapons in that drainage ditch. 1231 00:53:45,014 --> 00:53:47,600 And let Mr. Wilson speak. 1232 00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,560 - Thank you, General McCarthy. 1233 00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,812 And thank you, son. 1234 00:53:53,606 --> 00:53:56,150 - [grunting] 1235 00:53:58,611 --> 00:54:00,821 - Why ain't they shooting him? He's right there. 1236 00:54:00,821 --> 00:54:02,573 - He's surrendering peacefully. 1237 00:54:02,573 --> 00:54:04,242 - Not in my America. 1238 00:54:04,242 --> 00:54:05,910 - Now, dear, this ain't right. 1239 00:54:05,910 --> 00:54:09,413 - Why can't you be more supportive of my hobbies? 1240 00:54:11,415 --> 00:54:13,417 - That is not good. 1241 00:54:17,922 --> 00:54:20,091 I can see my cave from here. 1242 00:54:20,091 --> 00:54:23,010 - Au revoir, you towel-headed French fry. 1243 00:54:23,010 --> 00:54:26,222 - Now, Chet! - Don't "now, Chet" me. 1244 00:54:26,222 --> 00:54:28,516 He got what he deserved. 1245 00:54:28,516 --> 00:54:30,768 You do good things, and you'll be rewarded. 1246 00:54:30,768 --> 00:54:33,938 You do bad things, and it's hasta la bye-bye. 1247 00:54:33,938 --> 00:54:36,565 [beeping] - Hiya, Chet. 1248 00:54:36,565 --> 00:54:38,276 - Save me, Sean Hannity! 1249 00:54:42,071 --> 00:54:45,366 - No! My fuel-efficient hybrid! 1250 00:54:45,366 --> 00:54:47,034 - My lower torso. 1251 00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:51,789 [triumphant music] 1252 00:54:51,789 --> 00:54:59,171 J"J" 1253 00:54:59,171 --> 00:55:01,424 - Anyway, you were saying. 1254 00:55:01,424 --> 00:55:04,635 - How can you still be alive? - I think I know. 1255 00:55:04,635 --> 00:55:08,139 Because the American dream burns within him. 1256 00:55:08,139 --> 00:55:10,641 - Actually, that's a piece of shrapnel. 1257 00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:12,226 But I feel you. 1258 00:55:12,226 --> 00:55:14,812 - This amazing young man, this skeleton- 1259 00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:17,648 Yes, I admit now he is just a talking skeleton. 1260 00:55:17,648 --> 00:55:19,984 No offense. - Please. We're past that. 1261 00:55:19,984 --> 00:55:21,652 - He stays alive 1262 00:55:21,652 --> 00:55:25,823 because he believes in the America we all believe in, 1263 00:55:25,823 --> 00:55:28,868 a place where you can make a fresh start 1264 00:55:28,868 --> 00:55:30,745 no matter where you came from, 1265 00:55:30,745 --> 00:55:32,830 where you can arrive in this country 1266 00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:34,832 without a dollar in your pocket, 1267 00:55:34,832 --> 00:55:37,418 change your name, and make a new life. 1268 00:55:37,418 --> 00:55:40,129 It happened to someone you might have heard of, 1269 00:55:40,129 --> 00:55:43,674 someone named Miss Shania Twain. 1270 00:55:43,674 --> 00:55:45,301 [record scratches, all gasp] 1271 00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:47,595 - She's not American? - Canadian. 1272 00:55:47,595 --> 00:55:49,555 [all gasp] - No. 1273 00:55:49,555 --> 00:55:51,640 - Who's Shania Twain? 1274 00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:53,893 Both: I love Shania Twain. 1275 00:55:53,893 --> 00:55:55,770 You do? 1276 00:55:55,770 --> 00:55:59,857 - So, to quote one of Shania Twain's biggest hits- 1277 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:01,400 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman!? 1278 00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:02,693 - No. 1279 00:56:02,693 --> 00:56:04,362 Let's find a new spirit 1280 00:56:04,362 --> 00:56:06,655 of cooperation and forgiveness. 1281 00:56:06,655 --> 00:56:08,157 - That Don't Impress Me Much? 1282 00:56:08,157 --> 00:56:10,076 - Not that one either. I'm getting there. 1283 00:56:10,076 --> 00:56:12,078 Let's put our hearts together and- 1284 00:56:12,078 --> 00:56:13,871 - Well, those were two of her biggest hits 1285 00:56:13,871 --> 00:56:15,164 according to Billboard's country-western charts- 1286 00:56:15,164 --> 00:56:17,500 - Silence! You were saying? 1287 00:56:17,500 --> 00:56:19,877 - Let's make a new Americaville 1288 00:56:19,877 --> 00:56:25,007 and a new America from this moment on! 1289 00:56:25,007 --> 00:56:27,510 All: Aw! 1290 00:56:27,510 --> 00:56:30,346 - Okay, that was big too. 1291 00:56:33,391 --> 00:56:36,477 - Come here. 1292 00:56:39,063 --> 00:56:42,108 [romantic music] 1293 00:56:42,108 --> 00:56:45,319 J"J" 1294 00:56:45,319 --> 00:56:48,322 - I guess there's nobody for me to hug. 1295 00:56:48,322 --> 00:56:51,242 - Is this your stupid little annoying dog? 1296 00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:52,827 - Billy! - Billy? 1297 00:56:52,827 --> 00:56:54,829 I do not know who you're talking to. 1298 00:56:54,829 --> 00:56:56,330 My name is Claude. 1299 00:56:56,330 --> 00:56:58,958 - No, silly, the dog's name is Bill. 1300 00:56:58,958 --> 00:57:01,877 - You Americans give your dogs people names? 1301 00:57:01,877 --> 00:57:04,255 You are as dimwitted as you are boring. 1302 00:57:04,255 --> 00:57:06,507 - [gasps shudders] 1303 00:57:06,507 --> 00:57:09,427 I think I just got shot with an arrow. 1304 00:57:09,427 --> 00:57:11,804 - Uh, you can all go home. Sorry about that. 1305 00:57:11,804 --> 00:57:13,180 - That's okay. 1306 00:57:13,180 --> 00:57:15,182 And Achmed is free to go too, right? 1307 00:57:15,182 --> 00:57:16,475 - Uh... 1308 00:57:16,475 --> 00:57:18,561 - No, I am a criminal after all. 1309 00:57:18,561 --> 00:57:20,980 I do not think there is a Shania Twain song 1310 00:57:20,980 --> 00:57:23,566 to help me escape paying my debt to society. 1311 00:57:23,566 --> 00:57:26,110 - No One Needs to Know is appropriate. 1312 00:57:26,110 --> 00:57:28,654 - Loom 1313 00:57:28,654 --> 00:57:31,449 - How do you like that? It's the President! 1314 00:57:31,449 --> 00:57:32,867 - Of the United States? 1315 00:57:32,867 --> 00:57:35,744 - Yes, the United States Motor Company! 1316 00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:40,499 - Uh, Mr. Ach-med, 1317 00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:42,877 I've just spoken to the Attorney General, 1318 00:57:42,877 --> 00:57:44,545 and based on my offer 1319 00:57:44,545 --> 00:57:47,256 to personally vouch for your renunciation of terrorism 1320 00:57:47,256 --> 00:57:48,883 and the fact that you never accomplished 1321 00:57:48,883 --> 00:57:50,468 anything destructive... 1322 00:57:50,468 --> 00:57:52,219 - It's true. He blows. 1323 00:57:52,219 --> 00:57:54,388 - ...our government is prepared to grant you a full, 1324 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:56,307 complete, and unconditional pardon. 1325 00:57:56,307 --> 00:57:58,184 - Yay! 1326 00:57:58,184 --> 00:58:00,686 - On one condition. - Boo! 1327 00:58:00,686 --> 00:58:03,355 - That you share with me the plans for that amazing car 1328 00:58:03,355 --> 00:58:05,065 that you just drove here today. 1329 00:58:05,065 --> 00:58:07,526 - My car? 1330 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:10,321 - Yes, you've done the seemingly impossible. 1331 00:58:10,321 --> 00:58:12,948 You've created an American-made automobile 1332 00:58:12,948 --> 00:58:16,243 in America that Americans actually want to buy. 1333 00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:18,370 - It is a bad-ass ride. 1334 00:58:18,370 --> 00:58:20,623 - It's a deal. all: Yay! 1335 00:58:20,623 --> 00:58:22,291 - On one condition. 1336 00:58:22,291 --> 00:58:23,751 All: Boo! 1337 00:58:23,751 --> 00:58:26,003 - No, no, it's a good condition. 1338 00:58:26,003 --> 00:58:27,713 All: Yay! - Yay? 1339 00:58:27,713 --> 00:58:29,924 - The condition is you give credit 1340 00:58:29,924 --> 00:58:33,928 to the man who actually designed this car, Wayne Wilson. 1341 00:58:33,928 --> 00:58:35,638 - I thought that looked familiar. 1342 00:58:35,638 --> 00:58:37,139 - It should. 1343 00:58:37,139 --> 00:58:39,517 Hassan and I built it based on your drawing. 1344 00:58:39,517 --> 00:58:41,477 The flaming skull was me. 1345 00:58:41,477 --> 00:58:44,605 - Hey, everyone, Carl and I are opening a bed-and-breakfast. 1346 00:58:44,605 --> 00:58:45,981 Sorry, Ev. 1347 00:58:45,981 --> 00:58:47,816 - Well, I wondered when you were gonna 1348 00:58:47,816 --> 00:58:49,360 finally figure yourself out. 1349 00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:50,986 Go be happy. 1350 00:58:50,986 --> 00:58:53,656 Just leave me and Stan the beach house in Roanoke. 1351 00:58:53,656 --> 00:58:55,658 - Stan? - Good-bye! 1352 00:58:55,658 --> 00:58:58,577 I was a terrible mayor. 1353 00:58:58,577 --> 00:59:01,288 - This is the country you want to live in? 1354 00:59:01,288 --> 00:59:03,082 - There is not a better one. 1355 00:59:03,082 --> 00:59:04,833 - Then maybe you can be a reference 1356 00:59:04,833 --> 00:59:07,962 for my job application? 1357 00:59:07,962 --> 00:59:12,132 - Former terrorist log, love date 8/3/13. 1358 00:59:12,132 --> 00:59:14,552 I am now a citizen of Americaville. 1359 00:59:14,552 --> 00:59:16,554 It's a good life. 1360 00:59:16,554 --> 00:59:20,266 Wayne and Ginny have found their true calling. 1361 00:59:20,266 --> 00:59:24,270 The kids are having fun. 1362 00:59:24,270 --> 00:59:26,105 I've found a job where I can use my skills 1363 00:59:26,105 --> 00:59:28,899 and make people happy. 1364 00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:31,235 And once a week, we all get together 1365 00:59:31,235 --> 00:59:34,905 for a bountiful feast. 1366 00:59:38,367 --> 00:59:42,079 Yes, all in all, it's been one incredible year, 1367 00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:46,500 and the next one will be even better. 1368 00:59:46,500 --> 00:59:49,378 Good night, Wayne. - Good night, Achmed. 1369 00:59:49,378 --> 00:59:52,172 - Good night, Ginny. - Good night, Achmed. 1370 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:54,133 - Good night, Cassidy. Good night, Kevin. 1371 00:59:54,133 --> 00:59:55,551 Good night, little Jeff. 1372 00:59:55,551 --> 00:59:57,595 - Good night. - Good night! 1373 00:59:57,595 --> 01:00:00,889 - Good night, dog with the dynamite in his mouth. 1374 01:00:00,889 --> 01:00:02,600 Uh-oh. [muffled explosion] 1375 01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:04,018 Good boy. 1376 01:00:04,018 --> 01:00:08,230 [(109 barks] 1377 01:00:08,230 --> 01:00:11,233 [rock guitar playing Star-Spangled Banner] 1378 01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:19,241 J"J" 1379 01:00:30,544 --> 01:00:33,547 [rock guitar playing The Battle Hymn of the Republic] 1380 01:00:33,547 --> 01:00:41,555 J"J" 92942