Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Oh, no!

Hello?

Eh...

HORN HONKS

Nng-uh! Argh!

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

RETCHING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'd like to start on a personal note, if I may today,

and tell you that Anna, the member of the crew

who makes my coffees when I arrive at the studio,

recently pointed out to me that in nearly 200 episodes of television,

I have not once said "thank you" to her.

And so, I wanted to start the show by putting that right.

Anna, sincerely, thank you for all your hard work.

But also...

..your coffee tastes like crap!

Clear your desk! You think I can't replace you?!

I've got 1,000 waiting!

Right.

Please welcome our contestants...

..Ania Magliano... APPLAUSE

..Maisie Adam... APPLAUSE

..Phil Ellis... APPLAUSE

..Reece Shearsmith... APPLAUSE

..and Sanjeev Bhaskar. APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who tells me he's going on holiday this year to

a mysterious place where everybody spits when they talk...

..Wales.

It's...

SQUEAKS: ..Little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

Hello, people of Wales.

I don't know what you've got against the people of Wales.

"Subhuman," you said. Oh, dear.

Prize task, then.

Yes, it is. Greg and I suppose it's also...

BOO!

Because this week, the category...

..the category is the best thing that has a surprise aspect to it.

Oh, good. Yeah.

I have to say, I was a little alarmed

when I first saw YOUR surprise aspect, Greg.

But I've got used to it, and I don't mind it at all now.

The thing with the surprise that Greg likes best will get 5 points,

and the winner of the show gets to take home all five things.

Hello, Reece. What have you brought that might surprise me?

As you know, I am a bit of a David Dickinson in real life.

Well, you've filled your house full of weird things.

That's right.

I went to an antique fair and I bought this item.

There it is.

The improved patent

magneto-electric machine

for nervous diseases.

You crank the handle and you hold the two things

and it's meant to give you a shock.

I was assured when I bought it from the man... Didn't work.

Right. So I took it home and I said to my daughter,

"Er, Holly, do you want to have a go at it?"

Yeah, let's not take a risk on using yourself.

No. And I turned the handle... HE IMITATES ZAP

..and it gave her a massive electric shock.

LAUGHTER

Absolutely bizarre.

Ania.

I've brought in a mix tape,

and the thing that is surprising about it is that someone

gave it to me, and I've never listened to it.

A boy?

Yeah. What's he called?

Ray. Ooh.

So I didn't have anything to listen to it on.

I didn't have one of those... Oh, you didn't have a tape machine?

Yeah... I don't know what that is.

The mix tape looks like this. It is a classic cassette.

We can see it there. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

I've never listened to it, but I've...

..but Alex has listened to it.

You don't know this, Ania, but, yeah, Ray introduced it.

So, I can play you Ray's voice.

RAY: This is a...mix tape

I made...for you.

There we go.

Is that genuinely his voice?

Yeah.

REECE: It's, like, older than the electric shock machine.

It sounds like the guy who invented the telephone.

The second bit goes, "Germany calling, Germany calling."

LAUGHTER

Oh, Ania, let's not mess around.

You've surprised me.

It's the weirdest thing that we've ever had on the show.

Sanjeev, what surprising thing have you brought in?

Christmas crackers.

Here they are. He's brought in Christmas crackers.

OK. A variety. Hey? Huh?

LAUGHTER

Do you know what's in 'em?

Oh, OK. I shouldn't write 1 point down?

It's not going to stop you.

Uh... OK, let's take the white one.

If you open that up,

there's a banana in it!

Weren't expecting that, were you?

I mean, I sort of was.

Were you? Hang on, then. If we take the banana out,

what do we find in the banana?

A little cracker! You weren't expecting that, were you?

I am slightly more surprised by that.

What do you find in the little cracker?

Oh, God. It's not a mix tape, is it?

LAUGHTER

No, it isn't. It's a picture of you!

I was kind of expecting there to be a banana.

I wasn't expecting the small cracker.

There was an element of surprise. Yeah.

Maisie.

I've made a mix tape.

I'm not Ray. I'm not Ray.

No, I've made a...

..compilation album.

I reached out to various people connected

to my fellow contestants

and asked for surprising facts about you all.

ALL: Oh!

And this is the album that she's produced.

It's called Now What's That About You.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to hear Phil's one?

This is from your mum.

PHIL'S MUM: When Phil was four, he went through a phase

of only saying the words "hedgehog, no".

Oh, fuck off.

"Hedgehog, no." "Hedgehog, no"?

Well, we all go through that phase, don't we?

Reece, I reached out to your comedy partner, Steve Pemberton,

for this one. OK.

This is what Steve said.

STEVE: One surprising thing about Reece is that

he used to draw pornographic pictures of all our tutors

when we were at college,

and he would take requests.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that's true.

The requests used to be animals.

Oh, God!

SANJEEV: Hedgehog, no!

LAUGHTER

That is...er...very surprising.

Phil. Last one.

I have brought in

a beautiful family heirloom, which is a grandfather clock.

Yes, he has. Here it is.

There it is. Beautiful, isn't it? Lovely.

Passed down, ironically, from my auntie.

RIP.

I...er... She's not dead,

but it's no life, the way she is at the moment. But...

LAUGHTER

But you open the grandfather clock...

..there's a little surprise.

Watch this. Yeah.

It's also a fridge.

LAUGHTER

Did you put the fridge in?

Yeah. I've devalued it quite a lot.

Oh, God. Oh, they're all quite good.

Mm. The banana within a cracker...

I still think it's the worst.

1 point to Sanjeev. 1 point to Sanjeev, is it?

Hmm. Phil, I'll give it 2 points, cos it doesn't surprise me that much

that you've put a fridge in a grandfather clock.

It doesn't surprise me that you have got

a Victorian device for electrocuting people -

but you get a point more than him

because it does surprise me you electrocuted a child.

And then, we're up to the big guns.

4 points to the wonderful research.

And wherever you are, Ray...

..you've just got her 5 points.

5 points to Ania. APPLAUSE

Right. Let's have the first task, please, Alex.

Right you are. And we begin with some honking,

some whistling, and ten simple questions.

MILITARY MUSIC

FOOTSTEPS MARCHING

Hello? Oh, my gosh.

Mm-hm.

That's a lot of ducks.

I was hoping there'd be ducks at some...point. Very excited.

What fresh hell is this?

I feel judged.

"Go and sit in the entrance lobby

"on Alex's horn..."

"And return on Alex's whistle."

"Every time you return, you must answer

"Alex's question within 30 seconds."

"You cannot change your answer."

"Alex will ask you ten questions."

SANJEEV: "Most correct answers wins."

"Your time starts now"?

HORN HONKS Right, OK.

TWO HORNS HONK

Let me just clarify...

HORN HONKS

Oh, wait a minute... Yeah, I've not honked the horn yet.

No. Ah...

You OK?

Yeah... HORN HONKS

APPLAUSE

Well, there's not much more we need to know, is there?

So, let's just crack on. Yes, it's an intriguing one.

And we're going to start with Ania, Maisie and...

..Philip.

Alex, I'm here. Pardon?

Am I just supposed to sit?

WHISTLE BLOWS OK, brilliant. Ready.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Maisie Adam, have a seat.

Hello, Ania. Are you ready for the question?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Oh, lovely.

That wasn't the question.

Phil? Yes.

What's missing?

UNDER HIS BREATH: Fuck.

Your whistle.

This one? This whistle?

Eight seconds. I need an answer.

Duck. OK. Please write that on the board.

Confident with that.

"Yes, one duck," you've written. One blooming duck.

HORN HONKS The thing is...Off you go.Cool.

You need to be quicker with blowing your whistle.

I won't be quick. Why?

Cos you're moving things.

HORN HONKS

OK, right.

WHISTLES BLOW OK, good.

Hi! Phil.

Ania Magliano.

Yes. What's missing?

Er... Ch-chicken.

Chicken.

HORN HONKS

Duck. HORN HONKS

Maisie, what's missing?

A pumpkin. Why do you say that?

Cos it's right.

HORN HONKS WHISPERS: Fucking hell.

I bet there's something missing here now. Bastards.

That wasn't... Was that there?

There's new stuff up.

Cows... Was that there before?

That is all stuff that's in that room.

But that... Is that a sock?

WHISTLE BLOWS What's missing?

Now the ducks are facing another way. Is that a clue?

What's missing? Nothing.

You haven't moved a thing.

Ania Magliano, what's missing?

What's missing? What's missing?

But wait...

..that apple wasn't there.

Is this the lobby?

Does he really mean, "What's missing"?

I'm going to take everything off here.

Is the question actually, like, "What would you put in this room?"

I've furnished it to my abilities. What's missing?

What's missing?

Nothing, Alex. It's perfect as it is.

Ah.

The ducks have gone everywhere. What's missing?

OK, yeah, well, then, all the ducks.

All the d... No, the ducks have...

Oh, you absolute...

All of the ducks.

These are appearing outside.

Maybe they're being taken out of this room.

That wasn't there. Yes, but what's missing?

Sock, egg, apple...

Horse. Are you ready for the question, Phil?

All ears. What's new?

What's new? Why would you do that?

I think I've just got the hang of what's going on.

You're just trying to throw me off, and it's not working.

HORN HONKS Fucking hell.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, my God, what's going on?

Oh, thank God you're here.

Before you go,

do you know what that is, out of interest?

I don't know what's happening any more. What's missing?

MAISIE: Nothing.

I'm worried these things aren't meant to be in the task,

and I'm seeing stuff again.

I've rumbled you, Horne.

WHISPERS: I'm in there.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Are you ready for your question, Phil? It's the final one.

What connects all the correct answers?

An iron...a butternut squash...

..a horse...an egg.

What does connect all of these things? Yes, that's the question.

They're all things...

No, I couldn't get that up my arse.

I could try.

They're all nothing.

They're all nothing.

Nothing. Yeah.

They're all stuff I was left in my nana's will.

They're all outside, on the shelf.

In the waiting lobby?

Thank you, Ania.

I feel like I'm going to pass out.

APPLAUSE

GREG: All right, there we go.

APPLAUSE

Phil and Ania, did you work it out, do you think?

It drove me insane.

It was horrible, yeah.

It was crazy. It felt like some sort of torture system

from an ancient culture.

Phil, it was the most focused I've seen you throughout this series

up until the point you stated that you couldn't get a big iron

up your bum.

Well, not if it's hot.

I'm willing to give it a go if it's not been near a stove.

Let it chill down, get some butter, Bob's your uncle!

Now, then, what I was amazed by,

because this hasn't been a characteristic of you

during this series, is just how smug you were.

You were so pleased with yourself...

Cos I thought I'd cracked it. I thought I'd worked out.

That was my favourite bit, you going...

WHISPERS: .."I'm inside his head."

Have you got her smug face? Oh, maybe. Have a look at this.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, so we left them alone in the lobby,

and Ania and Phil noticed things.

PHIL: Oh, come off it.

And I can tell you that none of that is relevant to the task at all.

LAUGHTER

Good. That is the end of Part One.

And Alex's turn - for the first time ever,

I'm going to let HIM send us into the break.

Oh, thanks, Greg. That's all right.

OK, well, it's the end of Part One and that's why people...

SHUT UP!

See you in a bit.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Welcome back to the final part of this half of the show.

What's he on about? Bonkers!

Yes, in the current task, they had to keep leaving the living room

and then working out what had changed upon their return.

Now, finally, it's two impatient guys from the '60s.

Sanjeev Bhaskar OBE

and Reece Wayne Shearsmith.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ah, Sanjeev Bhaskar. Have a seat.

Reece Shearsmith.

Yes. Have a seat. Thank you.

I need to ask you your question now. Yeah.

What's missing?

DRUMBEATS LIKE HEARTBEAT

Oh, no.

There's something that was in the room that is

no longer in the room.

Er, my enthusiasm.

Already? Yeah. Question one.

Yeah? Would you mind writing "enthusiasm..." Yeah, sure.

..on the board.

I don't know if I can be arsed.

Great. Just nine more to go.

The answer is, "One of the many ducks."

Right. So you could've just written "duck".

So now...penalised for being really clear.

I mean, you can't win with you. HORN HONKS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ah, Sanjeev Bhaskar. What's missing?

Yellow duck.

Ah.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Hello, Sanjeev. What's missing?

HE SIGHS

I'll go for another yellow duck.

Duck, yeah.

There you go. "Duck." Right. Which duck?

Now you want to do... I knew you were going to say that!

HORN HONKS It's nothing to do with the ducks.

That'll be the thing of it.

WHISTLE BLOWS What's missing?

I'm going to say two yellow ducks.

My next answer's going to be, "Another yellow duck." Oh, you...

Do you want me to put that in now?

Do you know what? That'll save a bit of time, won't it? Yeah.

Do you want me to give you the next answer, as well?

Well, it would save SOME time. It's up to you if you want to.

OK. Great.

Well, actually, the question for number six is actually,

"What's new in the room?" Oh, is it? Hmm.

Yeah, what the hell?

Duck, you think? Yeah.

WHISTLE BLOWS Reece Shearsmith, what's missing?

WHISTLE BLOWS TWICE What's missing? What is missing?

The duck's face is... He had a tie on... Some ducks...

There's a cat in here... Teapot. WHISTLE BLOWS

Reece Shearsmith, how are you? Just before I ask you the question.

I think just get on with it. What's missing, is it?

What's missing? Yeah?

"Mister." Mr Reece Shearsmith.

That's what's missing.

What was the one after that?

Er... What's missing? Yeah, what's missing?

Nothing's changed here.

Definitely...

..not.

TOILET FLUSHES

DOOR SHUTS

Well, that's new.

There's just two questions left.

Erm, well, question nine is, "What's missing?"

What was in the room that isn't in the room now?

Yeah. Yeah. OK.

And then question ten is, "What connects all the correct answers?"

All the... What...what connects...?

All the correct answers? OK.

I do, too. Excellent.

And that's the end of the task.

I didn't get honk my horn as much as usual, but I will honk it now.

HORN HONKS There you go.

I didn't do it very well. By name, by noise.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Sanjeev.

We've got...duck, duck faces...

..we've got tie...

..some ducks, cat, teapot, Mr...

..and the colour emitted from a duck.

I'll say it's "duck things" - connects all the answers.

That's it. See you, Reece.

See you later.

APPLAUSE

I mean, that's one way to do it, Sanjeev. Not to care.

But it's true. My enthusiasm, my will to live...

..my soul, they had all left the room.

Did you have a lovely time, Reece?

It was frustrating.

I thought the big duck walking out of the toilet, I thought,

"Well, this is going to send him over the edge."

That's new. Yeah. "That's new."

No, it was sort of... It was what you would do to break somebody.

Shall we see what was actually missing?

Who, yeah, who got it right?

Well, Sanjeev didn't, of course,

notice the enormous duck at any point.

Couldn't give a shit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, let's see if that tactic worked.

This is what was going on.

"Go and sit in the entrance lobby on Alex's horn."

HORN HONKS

PHIL: "Return on Alex's whistle."

HORN HONKS

MAISIE: Alex, I'm here! Pardon?!

Blow your whistle! Will do.

What's missing? REECE: One of the many ducks.

DING A pumpkin.

BUZZER ANIA: Eggs. Eggs? Eggs.

BUZZER What's missing?

Teapot. A horse? Nothing.

BUZZER

There has been a slam of the door each time I've come out.

The question for number six is actually, "What's new in the room?"

Duck, is it? SANJEEV: Yeah.

DING LAUGHTER

What connects all the correct answers?

TOILET FLUSHES

I'm going to say it's a duck.

Duck things...connects all the answers.

DING Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Not bad. Yeah.

You came good in the end, but who would've thought...

..literally a person who couldn't care less

whether he was here or not has got the system right?

Yeah, well, Maisie, you didn't put duck once.

What a stupid task!

LAUGHTER It is!

Y-You've changed your tune. That is SO stupid!

Show her smug face again.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Phil, you got one-and-a-half right out of ten.

Oh, what's the half?

Well, you put, "All the ducks were missing," at one point,

because you didn't see that all the ducks were still in the room.

Oh, yeah. In fact, just one of the ducks was missing at that point,

so I've given you a half. Oh.

Ania, you got two right, Reece, you got five right,

but the winner, and 5 points to him,

is Sanjeev with six correct answers. There it is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Scoreboard, please.

Well, Reece is in second place with 7 points, but in the lead,

with 8 points, it's Ania! ANIA: Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right! Next task, please.

OK, and it's time for an art task that made them go above

and beyond...the canvas.

ALL: Ooh!

LAUGHTER

SELF-ASSURED CHUCKLE

Hello.

Hello.

And stop.

You feel safe? Well, I did.

Now I don't, since you've said that.

I'm not going to talk to you until you're safe.

Am I not safe? No.

Safe from what? Peril.

Peril?!

This will hurt a little bit.

OK. Clicked in. You are secure.

Mah! LAUGHTER

I haven't been harnessed in... months.

LAUGHTER This is great.

Ooh, God!

It's really quick, how much it hur...

..pulls you back.

"Paint the best picture of one animal

"sitting on top of another animal.

"You must paint on the paper below.

I didn't spot that. Excellent.

ANIA: "You must not leave the balcony.

"You have 15 minutes, and your time starts now."

OK, let me just have a little look in my...things I've got.

CHUCKLING: Interesting.

So, that's for the more - the finer work.

Oh, well, this is just stupid!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a Taskmaster classic, really.

It's paint a picture in difficult circumstances.

So, I think we'll just crack on with it -

but before we do, would anyone like to see Ania deliberately run away

from something that she's been tethered to,

and make a noise like a small cat?

AUDIENCE AGREES

You're in luck.

Mah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, here they all are creating their high-concept artwork.

So, what animals are there?

Snakes...

Pig.

An orangutan.

Have you decided on your animal yet?

No, I'm just trying to work out what...

..how useful these things are.

No. No?

Not yet. Oh, right.

I hear you're quite an artist, Reece.

Not on this scale.

We need brown.

Brown is...red and blue.

OK.

Just going to be a mucky horse.

So, it's an orangutan sitting on a mucky horse. Yeah.

That's a horse. Just screams "horse" to me.

SANJEEV: I'm trying to draw

a top view of a hippopotamus.

ANIA: Hippos have quite big bodies.

REECE PANTS

Oh, my God...

Oh, it's lovely. Thank you.

PHIL: Or maybe it is a dragon. Could be a Komodo dragon?

That's a dressing gown, innit? LAUGHTER

Well, that's quite good.

Why not?

Ah! Oh.

That's his eye.

Come on, horsey! HE WEAKLY IMITATES HORSE

MAISIE: Oh, this is so stupid.

Right.

Oh, this is ungainly.

Oh! ALEX CHUCKLES

Shut up, Alex. Sorry.

ANIA: I'm going to have to use the tube.

Alex, could you pour it in the end, really?

Just stop when I tell you. Obviously.

Right, start pouring.

There we go.

ANIA: There we go. PHIL: There you go!

Stop pouring.

Stop pouring, I said! I've stopped, I have.

LAUGHTER

It's now a panda.

That is striped ginger cat.

Oh, it was good for a bit, this.

PHIL GRUMBLES

HE SCOFFS

15 seconds.

Shut up!

I'm quite happy with that - do you want me to sign it?

"PE."

OK.

It's got an eye! WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Phil, I've said it before, I'll say it again,

I think you're wasted in this era.

I think you're a '70s slapstick king.

Thanks very much. I mean, how could you get wrapped up in your own...?

I get... Whoa! Oh, shit! ALL GASP

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Shall we start with Phil's? Oh, I enjoyed this task.

LAUGHTER

It's good! Well, it's an orangutan on either a dog,

a horse, or a fire-breathing dragon.

Yes! It was meant to be fire,

but it looks like it is being...

..it's just bleeding from its mouth. But...

It's a great orangutan. It's amazing.

Yeah, the orangutan's good.

A-And it's a great demonic creature. Pretty good, this, Phil.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Let's have a look at Sanjeev's effort.

Here we go.

DISAPPOINTED AWWS

So, this is viewed from above.

It's a-a ginger cat sitting on the back of a hippopotamus.

DISAPPOINTEDLY: Oh, OK. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a big grey thing, all right, and it's a ginger cat.

Yeah. Do you need me to make the noise?

"Mah!" LAUGHTER

Who's next? Let's have a look at Maisie's one.

Oh, wow.

Never has anyone fucked up their own snake so quickly.

LAUGHTER

Do you like the detail, though? The d-detail in the tail,

that's pretty good - squi-squiggly piggy tail?

Yeah, squiggly piggy tail. Squiggly piggy tail.

They've got corkscrew penises, as well, did you know?

What? I did.

LAUGHTER

What are you talking about, a corkscrew penis?

They've got a penis that's shaped like a corkscrew.

Like a spiral? No, the other bit.

The arms! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, let's leave the gallery for a quick break.

And then, as has happened throughout our friendship,

I'll show Alex some images of one animal on top of another.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Here we are again.

Welcome back to an arty Part Three.

Our contestants have all had a long-distance relationship

with their canvases.

Best picture of an animal sitting on top of another animal wins.

And our next gallery singleton comes from resident artist,

Reece Wayne Shearsmith.

It's a crocodile. Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

It's a pretty good crocodile.

Oh, it's a great crocodile. ANIA: It's really good.

If you imagine it's a quite coquettish panda...

..that's looking to the left, like...

LAUGHTER

..it's a pretty good panda.

That's exactly what I was going for.

Who's next? It's Ania's picture

of this animal sitting on this animal.

LAUGHTER

Oh, wow, that is the worst, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Is it a dolphin?

Ish. It's a whale. Yeah.

I can see it's aquatic. Yeah. Yeah.

It's in the sea. And is the other animal the yellow thing?

Yes. A chicken leg?

A chicken leg. It is a bird.

It's not a bird, you said it was a monkey.

LAUGHTER

All right, it's a rubbish...

..it's a rubbish monkey on top of some sort of aquatic creature.

Erm, show me them all, and I'll make some decisions. OK.

I really like all of the paintings. I-I do. I enjoy them.

Hmm. So, I'm not going to give anyone 1 point.

I know you won't like this. Right.

I think that, at the bottom of the pile, with 2 points each,

and I don't think this is unfair, would be Ania and Sanjeev.

I certainly don't think that's a cat, and, my God,

that's no monkey. LAUGHTER

But, sure, there's a hippo, and I can see that's aquatic,

so I'll give them 2 points each. OK, 2 to Ania, 2 to Sanjeev. OK.

I've got it, I'm going to give 4 points each to Maisie and Reece,

because I really like their paintings -

but it's the detail on the orangutan

that takes the 5 points. PHIL: Thank you.

I see the orangutan, and I feel good.

PHIL LAUGHS It's 5 to Phil Ellis!

Well done, Phil. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please, may we have one more task?

Yes, of course, and now it's time to put all five of them into

some awkward positions in the dome.

OK.

Hi, Alex. Oh, hi, Maisie.

In you go, Ania. In I go.

Can I read that?

"Please read and do the task immediately.

"Your time starts when you walked through the door."

Oh, OK. My time's already started.

Need that in bigger writing,

or maybe on the outside of the, er, the dome. Right.

OK, I'll get on that.

REECE: Have a little look?

I'll just read this, shall I? OK.

"You must read each of these instructions out

"and do them immediately.

"Stand on one leg, and keep standing on one leg."

Doing it now.

That's my bad leg. That's it.

"Put one finger in your..."

I've got no balance, I've got flat feet.

"Put one finger in your ear and keep it there.

"Put your other hand on your head, and keep it there.

"Pull an extreme facial expression,

"and keep that expression on your face.

There.

Yeah, lovely.

Wow.

"Your time has started, and will end if you move your hands...

"Touch the ground with your foot."

"Please read and do the task immediately.

"Your time started when you walked through the door," yeah.

What's the task?

All the information's on the task, Reece. What?

Is this just the task?

Why is there a chi...

Why is there an apple turnover?

Why's... I don't understand the chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side?

Why did the chicken cro...? Turn over.

Turn, turn the task - oh, you...

Ah, ah.

Oh, come on.

LAUGHTER

It's not touching the ground. No, you're OK.

Oh, you can...

Oh. It's all right it's fine.

Oh, there you go you've done it, you've done it, you've done it.

I've done it! Oh, f...

"Say the most five-letter words."

"If anyone uses the same five-letter words as you,

"five words will be lost from both your totals.

"Most five-letter words wins."

I have 20 minutes?

Yeah.

Of this?!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think Reece has spoken for everyone there.

I mean, it's a fun task, you know? A lot of fun, yeah.

"20 minutes? Of this?!" LAUGHTER

It does seem like cruel torture.

You're just resting on that thing.

Mm, as always, all the information's on the task on that thing.

Fuck off. MAISIE: Oh!

LAUGHTER

Let's have a look.

Let's have a look. OK, well, here is a clip about APR.

No, not your annual percentage rate -

it's Ania, Phil, and Reece Wayne Shearsmith.

"Say the most five-letter words."

Erm...

Am I allowed to rest the leg on anything?

I've tried to put all the information on the task.

LAUGHTER

Ah. That's opened up a whole new world to me.

Lovely. There we go. Animals.

Oh, no, but someone else has probably said that. Pasty.

Oh!

I'm just confused about why that's there.

You've got 16 minutes left.

Wait, what?

Oh, no.

BUZZER Oh! I know, I know.

No, that's the end of the task. What?! It doesn't...

Does it say that?

Oh, shit! AUDIENCE AWWS

Oh, Ania.

Oh.

How long do I have to do it for? You've got a maximum of 20 minutes.

20 minutes? Yeah. How many minutes left?

12-and-a-half. 12-and-a-half?!

You've got 12 minutes left. 12 minutes?!

Jesus Christ.

Oh, the dancing's out.

Oh, beast! Let's have that one. Right.

No-one's going to say that, are they?

I'll have plane.

And I'll have the other plain as well, please.

The I-N. Right, both planes, got it.

I'm not a quitter. I don't know if you know much about me,

Alex, but I don't quit.

You do look in a lot of pain, though. I'm in so much pain!

I didn't realise I'd sweat quite so much.

Er...I'm really sweaty.

Just two-and-a-half minutes left.

REECE CHUCKLES GRIMLY

Yeah, ten seconds. Let's end on a nice one.

Do you know what?

We could all do with one of them, couldn't we?

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

That was really...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I thought it was fair that you kicked out,

because I was not happy with your silly-face maintenance.

Oh. What? Really?

Yeah, this was your silly face.

LAUGHTER

They're laughing at that. That's pretty silly, then.

Good, a lot of pain. Yeah. Lot of sweat.

20 minutes, one leg! No fucking leaning.

You took advantage of the pain with your choice of words, didn't you?

"Pain, tired, hurt, cruel." Cruel!

LAUGHTER "Cruel!"

Oh, wow, what a start. OK.

It's time for some adverts now,

but fortunately, their insipid blandness will only make

the next part taste even sweeter! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to the final part of the show.

How are you feeling about it all, Alex? You know,

confident, relaxed, little bit randy, the holy trinity.

LAUGHTER The current task involves finding

the other part of the task, and then, saying as many unique

five-letter words as possible.

But meanwhile, if a foot touches the floor, it's game over.

With all of that in mind - and especially relevant -

here is Maisie and Sanjeev.

"You must read each of these instructions out

"and do them immediately.

"Stand on one leg, and keep standing on one leg.

BUZZER Oh, need to...switch legs. OK.

BUZZER Oh, bollocks. Right.

I-I can't help noticing your foot keeps touching the ground.

MULTIPLE BUZZES OK. Yeah.

I really needed to go to the loo, actually.

LAUGHTER

Is this it? The time's started?

What...?

What? God sa... what have I got to do, though?!

That's just a joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Is it about that? Oh, maybe.

But why is there an apple pie?

What's that for? An apple pie, is it?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's apple pie.

Oh!

Is it an apple turnover?

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

To get to the apple turnover.

"Why did the chicken cross the bastard road?"

Oh!

Now, how in the... how the hell?

I don't think I have to do anything.

You...

You would've said!

Wouldn't you?

Stop the clock!

You want me to stop the clock. Yeah! I'm done! I'm done.

OK. Bye. Bye-bye.

LAUGHTER

I was so excited to do this show.

LAUGHTER I didn't understand the task.

No. And I got frustrated.

Yes. And I left. True.

All of that was evident.

LAUGHTER AUDIENCE AWWS

I've got some interesting statistics for you.

Reece, you said 117 words.

41 of them were said by other people, mostly Phil.

Which means your final number is -88.

ANIA: Oh, my God! Right, oh.

Cos each of those 41 loses you five words. Yeah, yeah.

So, Reece, you come last. Great minds.

That's shocking, "cruel!"

Maisie, you get -81. You get 2 points.

Phil, -74 in the end.

Ania, -49.

The winner of the task, with -32...

..is Sanjeev Bhaskar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The key to the task, it turns out, was to not say a lot.

If you'd not said a word, you would've won.

You fucking mean to tell me...

LAUGHTER

..that I stood sweating on one leg for 20 minutes...

..and I've lost?

Learn from Sanjeev - care less. Mm.

Let's have a look at the scores.

Yes, Sanjeev, you're in second place on 13,

one point away from Ania, who's got 14 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredible.Yeah.

It's that time again. Please, will you make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Who will read the task, young fellow, m'lad?

I think Ania's going to read it.

OK.

"Demonstrate to the Taskmaster the idiom demonstrated to you

"by your team-mate.

"All team members must remain silent and on their spots

"during a round.

"Best team wins."

PHIL: What is an idiom? LAUGHTER

Am I an idiom?

They're just phrases.

An idiom is something like "jump on the band wagon".

And first up, it's going to be the team of two.

I've got a list of phrases. I'm going to show you one, Maisie.

You're going to demonstrate the idiom to your team-mate,

Reece Shearsmith.

He will then, at the same time, do it to Greg -

essentially charades with an extra link. OK.

Greg, ready to guess? Oh, my God. OK, Reece.

I've never been readier. Here we go.

Go.

"Rocking man."

You can just copy her, if you want.

What do you think it is, Greg? LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do you think it was in the end, Reece?

Cos you were the only one who saw it.

Something like a t... a taste injection? Yes.

A taste...? A taste injection. She was doing this!

It's a phrase, so think about phrases! Yeah!

They've turned on each other.

A-A taste... A taste of...

Of your own injection.

A taste of your own medicine? Oh, yeah.

They scored zero, so can we have two of the team of the three, please?

If you can go and sit down and swap chairs.

PHIL: Shall we go first? ANIA: OK.

OK, so you've gotta beat zero. Are you ready, Greg? Ready.

You time will start when you see the first one.

SHE HISSES LOUDLY Oh.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Chat dog. Chat cat. Cat chat.

Chat. Talk...

Talk. Chat... Chat or talk.

GREG STAMMERS

Er, deer. Ram. The devil!

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, so close! Oh!

You were so close to it. What was it?

I think Greg is the weak link in this.

Get fucked, am I?!

It was of, course, "Speak of the devil."

Speak of the devil!

The good news is, it's still nil-nil.

You can go back to your seats. APPLAUSE

Er...

Over.

Go. Go.

Go on.

Go on a...

..wild....

..ride?

Go on a wild...goose chase.

Correct! They've got one, they've got one.

The team of two have got one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MAISIE: Oh!

We have the actor Sanjeev Bhaskar with me.

Nice and quiet, everyone, please.

First word.

"A." Oh.

Moon? Hole, leg.

Knee.

Thigh.

Limb.

Oh, shirt.

Blue. Ten seconds. Moon.

No blue moon. Mm, mm!

Five seconds. No balloon. No blue moon, a...

..one, first word. WHISTLE BLOWS

What is it? "Once in a blue moon." "Once in a blue moon."

Once in a blue moon. It was "once in a blue moon".

It's 1-0, with one round to go. Well done.

ANIA: That was great, Sanjeev.

This is the last round. 1-0.

So, you need to build a lead here. Good luck, Greg, good luck, Reece.

REECE: Thank you. Good luck, Maisie.

Cold.

Cold foot. Cold shoe.

Cold foot. Cold foot?

LAUGHTER

Cold feet. Don't like cold feet. Cold feet! Cold feet!

Cold feet. Cold feet. OK, OK, erm...

APPLAUSE

Bite.

But the...bite, bite the bullet.

DING Yes! Correct!

Er, something hand. Tick, listen.

Tick, what's the time?

Time to fly?

LAUGHTER

It's party time? Oh! WHISTLE BLOWS

FUCKING HELL, GREG!

LAUGHTER

"Time flies when you're having fun."

APPLAUSE

So far, 3-0 with one go to go.

Ready, Greg? Yeah, I mean, yeah.

Ready, Sanjeev? Ready, Phil.

Bite.

LAUGHTER

OK. First word, "Bye."

Bye...

..the...

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you," surely.

By the is... ANIA: Oh.

Fly the spider.

LAUGHTER

By the s...Oh! WHISTLE BLOWS

What was it, Phil?

It was, er, it's dead easy.

"By the skin...of your teeth."

Yeah, I probably would've got that if it wasn't for this.

LAUGHTER

Add that to the final scores. Come down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, then. OK, well, scores-wise... Yeah.

Well, it's up to you. The team of two got three right,

the team of three got zero right.

So, how, how do the points work? Right, so 5 points to the team

that got some right, and no points to the ones who didn't get any.

Well done, Maisie and Reece - 5 points each! Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, it's turned upside down - the two people at the bottom

are now at the top.

Maisie's in second place, with 16 points, but the winner

is Reece with 17 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Reece Shearsmith has won!

Please head up to secure your things with a surprise aspect to them!

CHEERING CONTINUES

So, what have we learnt from today's show?

We've learnt this - if you want to win in life,

be more Sanjeev.

Care less, win more.

We've also learnt... don't tie your cat to a fence.

ANIA: Mah!

LAUGHTER

And let's not forget this episode's winner,

Reece Shearsmith! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media