All language subtitles for Gilmore Girls - 03x04.com

So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
The other side of?

The other side.
With Republicans?

No, lately, I've been having
these dark premonitions.

Oh, about what?

Dead cow.
Dead cow.

That's weird.
He's always weird.

No, I mean, my premonitions
have been about death.

About my death.
I don't want to hear this.

And the thing is, they're all silly.
What do you mean, silly?

In one, I slip on a banana peel
and fall into whipped cream.

Silly and fattening.
In another, a turtle eats me.

A turtle? How?
Very slowly.

There's lots of chewing.

And you didn't run away

from what is perhaps the slowest
land animal on the earth?

His first bite injects me with
immobilizing poison.

You left that part out.

This last one's more gory.
I'm out hunting...

a favorite lorelai gilmore
pastime.

And my shotgun backfires.

My whole face spins around
a bunch of times

and winds up in the back
of my head like daffy duck!

That's the silliest one yet!

Now, you gotta promise
to move my face

back to the front of my head
like daffy did with his beak.

I should be writing this down.

You can remember to move my face
to the front of my head.

Hello, stars hollow!
Are you ready to rock?

Let me guess...
band practice tonight?

Yes, we're going to learn our
fourth song.

That's practically a set.

Mmm!
I'm impressed.

Once we have a set, we'll
get a gig,

and once we get a gig, we'll
get a record deal.

And then after that,

we'll get really famous and give
all of these interviews

about horrible it is to be really famous
and how all we care about is the music,

and fame is gonna tear
us apart.

And rehearsing in the music
shop's been working out?

It's totally time efficient.

Being a 30-second commute,
we practice for two hours,

I'm home in time to watch reruns of
Johnny yune's talk show with my mom,

who thinks I hooked up with you guys,
which I did, so I'm not even lying.

You're kinda lying.
I'm fibbing, but a fib is not a lie.

I'd say it's a fib/lie.

It's not a lie,
and I can always tell

'cause the few times
I've lied to my mother,

I get this feeling in my gut like a
wild animal is burrowing into it.

Wild animals burrowing
into my stomach...

another one of my premonitions.
Pretty spooky.

I've gotta go.
I'm single-handedly improving the reputation

of drummers everywhere by being on time
for every rehearsal. Thanks for the food.

Uh, excuse me.
Lane took mine.

This band thing is not
working out for me.

Let's go.
See ya, Luke.

See ya.

Turn sideways.

That girl's a freak.

Make a hole.

♪ If you're out on the road ♪

♪ feelin' lonely and so cold ♪

♪ all you have to do
is call my name ♪

♪ and I'll be there
on the next train ♪

♪ where you lead,
I will follow ♪

♪ anywhere that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪

♪ if you need ♪
♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ where you lead,
I will follow ♪

♪ any, anywhere
that you tell me to ♪

♪ if you need ♪

♪ you need me to be with you ♪

♪ I will follow where you lead ♪

♪ London calling
to the faraway town ♪

♪ now that the war's declared
and battle come down ♪

♪ London calling
to the underworld ♪

♪ come out of the cupboard,
you boys and girls ♪

whoa, whoa, whoa.
You guys, hold it.

It doesn't sound right.

Sounded good to me.

No, it's wrong.
Something's missing.

Yeah... volume.

We can't play any louder.
That's the agreement.

Free practice space, but we
have to play quietly.

Try and live with it, Zack.

Dude, Brian's breathing is
louder than the song.

I've got a deviated septum.

All the women in my
family and me have it.

Well, it's throwing me off.

Hold your breath, Brian.
There, problem solved.

Okay, come on, now, let's rock.
One, two, three...

wait.
The bottom line here

is breathing should not be
louder than a rock band.

Am I right or am I right?

Rygalski, we need to
crank it up.

Just listen harder.
That'll make it sound louder.

Can't we turn it up at all?

Well, we could possibly turn
the amps up from 3 to 31/2,

but that's it.
Forget it.

Zack, we just got started.

Dude, Lawrence Welk cranked
louder than this.

It's a waste of time.

Wait, Zack, no, you don't
understand.

We can't play louder.
My mom has this special antenna

that can pick up non-Christian music being
played, within a football fields distance

and she'd immediately come
looking for me

in order to shield me
from the perversion.

If Zack's going, I'm going.

No, Brian,
I'm not exaggerating!

Once, a guy in our town
named kirk

was practicing "bohemian rhapsody,"
with his band

and my mom shut them down
so fast

that the band fled without
their instruments.

To this day, kirk can't listen
to queen without tearing up.

Having a free practice
space was cool and all,

but not like this.

We should just rent a space
in Hartford.

Hartford.
Connecticut?

It's not that far.

Or maybe how about France?
We could practice in France.

Or Iceland!
The moon's probably available!

We could crank it way
up on the moon!

A word, please?

Dave, talk to them!
You're the leader!

That's insubordination
going on in there!

They should be flogged, strung
up from the highest yardarm!

No, I can't.
Why?

Because we're supposed
to be a one-for-all band.

Like the clash or U2.
It's a democracy.

Democracies are overrated. Get
in there and kick some butts!

I'll fix Brian's deviated
septum.

I'll ram one of my sticks
up his nose!

Do you really believe
this is working?

No, it's not working.
We sound like a bunch of wankers.

We need to be able to
really play.

Wouldn't you like to be able to
hit both the cymbals?

Then we need to do this.

I just don't want to
leave the band.

What?
You can't leave the band.

That's not what anybody wants,
especially me.

Lane, you're perfect for us.
It's working.

So I have to figure out a way

to rehearse in Hartford
two or three nights a week.

That's not so tough.

No, and maybe at the same time,
I'll master quantum physics,

and throw sanskrit in
there, too.

Do your best...
not with the sanskrit thing,

but with the band.

I'll try.

There's no way you're gonna
become our Pete best.

There's no way.

You're sweet.

We should get back in there.

Okay, um, I'll be in
in a minute.

Wrack your brains.
We've really gotta think here.

It's quite a pickle.

No, Rory, this is much bigger
than a pickle.

Okay, let's stop saying
the word "pickle."

How many nights a week would you
have to go to Hartford to practice?

Two plus a weekend afternoon.

So that's three big blocks of
time you'd have to account for.

Plus you have no car to transport
your drums anywhere as of yet.

Or a driver's license.
Or any drums because you're borrowing them.

Temporarily until
I can buy my own set

with money that I don't know
where I'm gonna get.

That's more than a pickle.
You're making light. Now stop and focus.

And turn down the cornershop.
It's distracting.

No, your Coltrane is distracting.
Turn that down.

I'm in angst here, and Coltrane speaks
to my soul. I can turn it down.

Fine, in deference to your soul,
I'll turn mine down.

Hey, here's a crazy thought...

how about you tell your
mom the truth

and insist that she let you
play with the band

and rehearse in stars hollow
loudly

as long as your schoolwork
doesn't suffer?

I'm sorry, was that a serious suggestion?
Hey, it's worth a shot.

No, you're thinking your mom. If I said that,
she'd start waving a crucifix at me.

If she says no, she says no,
but right now, you're out of options.

We have another call.
Just think about it?

Okay, I will, and, hey,
you know I like cornershop.

Hello?

Hi, Rory?
Yes.

This is Debbie fincher, Kathy's
mom from stars hollow high.

Oh, hi, Mrs. fincher.
Hi right back to you.

We miss you since you started that
fancy school of yours. Is it fun?

It's hard, but I like it.
Oh, well, super.

Listen, is your mom home?

Oh, sure, just a second.
Say hi to Kathy for me.

Hold on.

Phone.

It's Debbie fincher.

Who?

From stars hollow high.
Kathy fincher's mom.

Oh, I remember Kathy.

You met Debbie many times, had
many conversations with her

at bake sales,
school plays, the pta.

Not ringing a bell.

I used to go swimming at her
house all the time.

No. No.

Blond hair, medium height,
drove a range rover.

Does she also breathe and
have toes?

Narrow it down to less than
8,000 possibilities.

I did with the swimming.
I remember the water.

Come on... blond hair,
medium height.

See? Even you can't think of
another way to describe her.

You have no memory of
this woman?

All those stars hollow moms
looked alike

except for Lane's mom and that
one with the freaky glass eye.

Take the phone.

Hi, Debbie, how are you?

Great, lorelai.
And yourself?

Just fine, thanks.

The gang and I have missed you
so much at school events.

You were always such a kick.

Well, I've really missed you
and the gang.

Hey, listen, I have
a proposition for you.

The pta likes to ask prominent
locals in business

if they could talk to the
students

about how they got to where
they are,

all the hard work it takes,
and we thought about you.

To suggest people I know who
have success stories?

No, silly, we'd like for you
to address the class.

Me? Really?

Yes! You're a young woman, and
you run that beautiful inn.

It's a huge responsibility, and
you do it with such style.

Wow, well, that's really sweet.

It's always nice
to be well thought of.

Before we go any further, I'm
dying to know...

how's Kathy?
What's she up to?

She is just terrific. She's applied
to a couple of schools in California,

so she's really excited...

So, she wants me to speak to some
kids about my business success.

Really?
That's great.

What are you doing
with the phone?

She's blabbing about her kid.

We probably got another 30
seconds or so.

You're awful. No, I'm a kick.
Should I do it?

Toot your own horn a little.

I'm a success.
Who'd have thought?

I suspected you had it in you.

I wonder why Larry king
hasn't called.

Mom... Debbie, please?

So the internship
will keep her local,

which is a nice bonus for bill
and me, you know?

Well, be sure to say hi to her
and to bill,

and by the way, yes,
I'd be happy to talk to the class. Terrific!

Oh, the gang will be
so thrilled!

Now, there'll probably be a second
speaker with you. Do you mind?

We have some suggestions,
but do you know anyone?

Well, my friend the sultan of
Brunei is so hard to pin down.

There's that sense of humor.

We were considering Luke danes,

but he usually turns these
things down.

I could talk to him.
That would be just terrific.

The two of you together
would be a kick.

Well, then I'll just kick him till he
agrees to do it. How does that sound?

Thursday at 4:00 P.M...
is that okay?

Oh, you rat!
You rat! What?

You remembered how much I hate
being called Deb!

I'm wicked.

Well, thank you, lorelai, and
I'll talk to you soon.

Okay.
Bye.

She hates being called Deb.

I'll make a mental note.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'm so proud of my little
success.

Stop it.
Don't run.

Just walk in there and tell
her what you want.

She's your mother,
and she wants you to be happy

on some level, I think.
Maybe not.

What are you doing?

Do not back off.
Just move. C'mon, move.

Move your foot.
Move your foot.

One foot.
Lane! Move your foot!

Lane!
Yeah?

Come with me.
Okay.

Sit. Sit.

You want tea?

Mama, I want...
sit.

Sorry.

I wanted to talk to you
about something,

an idea I had... have...
for me to do something

that would be very beneficial to
me and you by extension,

because if one person is happy,
the other person is happy,

and so I had an idea of how I could be,
and then you could be...

tea would be good.

Here.
I want you to fill these out.

What are these?
College applications.

Don't worry... every one
in this pile

approved by me and
reverend mellmen.

I haven't heard of one of
these schools.

They're all good religious
programs,

and I've already thrown out
the ones

that let boys and girls sit in
the cafeteria together.

Oh.
Great.

I will help you fill them out,

and we'll mail them on the
way to choir practice, okay?

Good, now, "if you meet Jesus
walking on the street,

what are the three questions
you would like to ask?"

Ah!

Your speech for that class?

Just some talking points.

And this speech is about your
success in business, yes?

Pretty much.

You must feel very fortunate
to live in a tiny town

where people make
very little money.

It elevates you by comparison.

I wonder who their last speaker was,
the fellow in short pants

that walks up and down the
square with a metal detector?

I wouldn't know.
And if they find someone who drives a car

that is less than eight years
old, what will they do,

crown him king of successful
people?

Unless it's a woman.
Then they'll crown her queen.

And if they...
go away.

Independence inn.
Lorelai speaking.

I'm backing out.
Too late. Sorry.

I'm not speaking
to that stupid class.

You agreed.

I'm out. Case closed.
No debate.

Great, fine, do what you want.

I guess I'm just out
the $1,000 deposit.

What deposit?
For the room.

What room?

For the thing.
For the afterwards thing.

You're trying to confuse me, aren't you?
Aren't you?

What?
Who?

Stop.
Bye!

Hold on a sec!
I agreed to this under coercion.

You said yes on your own.

I said yes because when
I said no,

you talked baby talk loudly in
front of all my customers

until I got so sick of it,
I just agreed to do it to shut you up.

It's not a binding agreement.
It's coercion.

Well, you gave in just in time

because I was about to
transition out of baby talk

and into my Louis Armstrong
voice,

and that, my friend, is a whole
lot worse than baby talk.

I hate that building.

What, the school? Three years of going there,
I have no good memories.

None. Kids were as dumb then as they are now.
I think you'll enjoy this.

Think about going back to your high school
to give a talk. How would that feel?

Okay, not all your points
are bad,

but it's not my school.
And if you cancel,

this whole town will know, and
when you walk down the street,

people will point and whisper,
"there goes that Luke.

He's a real
talk-canceler guy."

Ouch.

Plus, I promised the pta,

so my fragile reputation
is on the line.

I think you'll live. No!
Oh, Luke...

♪ hello... Dolly ♪
stop that.

♪ This is Louis,
Dolly ♪ I'll just hang up.

♪ I'll be comin' round the diner
singin'...So-o-o-ngs ♪

have you been diagnosed?

See you tomorrow at 4:00!

Oh, it was a fine collection.
She made you apply to every one?

And measured my head
for a wimple.

There wasn't one you might
want to go to?

Depends on what I'm
looking for.

Of course, all the great seventh-day
adventist schools were represented

with their ban on dancing,
gum chewing, and bowling.

Quaker college
was a delightful surprise

with its special appeal
for Richard Nixon,

who's dead but still deeply
involved in campus recruiting.

Oh, and the
piece de resistance...

she found an amish school
in Nicaragua.

Nicaragua!
A big shout out to mama Kim on that one!

Mama Kim always starts out super
serious but then lightens with time.

But I don't have time.
Schools I like will fill up,

and my band... my beloved band...
will find another drummer.

Just try to calm down.
No, calm is for losers.

I spent my whole life
compromising

and being the good little girl
and not doing what I want

or doing what I want
and feeling guilty for doing it,

I even lost my first boyfriend
because of all this!

What boyfriend?
Henry.

Oh, right... Henry.

See? That's how pathetic
my life is.

I'm calling a boyfriend a guy I
never went out on a date with,

and that my own best friend
doesn't remember,

which is not your fault, because
there's nothing to remember.

So besides power walking, what
are you gonna do about it?

Lane!

Lane?
Follow my anger!

What are you doing?
Choosing a color!

You're gonna dye your hair?

Yes. I am. Lots of choices here.
Help me narrow it down.

And walk around
in a hood all the time?

How are gonna hide this
from your mom?

I'm not gonna hide it!
That's the point!

Think about this for a second.

I've been thinking about this
my whole life.

Nothing's gonna change
unless I change it,

and now's the time.
I need to make a clear statement...

one I can't go back on
or chicken out on,

and this is my instrument.

It says,
"this is Lane Kim!"

That is you.
It's black hair dye.

This is merely a prop until
we find my true color.

Now, what do you think?
Pink?

Or is that too pink the singer?
And Kelly Osbourne?

And Gwen Stefani?

Man, there's a lot of cheese
associate with pink.

Okay, pink's out.
There's blue!

What about blue?

Blue's probably not right
for your skin tone,

and I agree with you
about pink.

What about purple?

Yes! Purple!
You're brilliant!

And bleach.
Don't forget the bleach.

Bleach! Right!
Okay, I'll get the bleach!

Thank you!

And make sure that
you get some...

gloves.

Got 'em.

Good, good.
You alright?

Yeah, fine.
Let's go.

It's a good day today, isn't it?
Mm-hmm. $12.52.

And I've got exact change for you.
Super.

You need something?

No.
No, I just, um...

I was wondering if there's
a money-back guarantee.

You know, in case her hair
falls out or something.

Sure, if your hair falls out,
we'll give you your money back.

Good.
You heard that.

The second you go bald, you can
come get your money back.

Rory, you're putting a damper on
my independence day.

Sorry.
Let's go.

Lucas!
LA escuela!

Hey. Hey.
Did you lose track of time?

What? Why? It's 4:00.
We're supposed to be at school, like, now.

You're not ready.

What?
Oh, right, right, sorry.

Okay, I'm ready.

Au contraire.
You are so not ready.

What are you talking about?
The grunge look is out.

Hey, I'm not dressing up for this.
You need something better.

The whole point of this stupid
class talk

was for us to talk about our
work and our success.

This flannel shirt is my most
successful outfit.

I've closed many a deal
in this outfit.

It's my power outfit.
Come on.

Hey, let go. Let go.
Hey, you're pinching me!

Go!

I don't want to change.

I'll buy you a toy afterward.
You want a toy?

Sorry to barge in.
No problem.

What was that about a toy?

Luke is getting one if
he's a good boy.

Can we make this more
demeaning?

Hey, why don't you go downstairs
and help out Caesar?

I think my education comes
first, don't you?

Oh, my God. Jimmy buffett?
Put that back.

You like Jimmy buffett?
He's so mellow.

I've just been to a
few shows. That's all.

A few shows? Oh, my God,
you're a buffett head.

Is that the one you want
me to wear?

Sing "margaritaville."
No.

We've got ourselves a winner.

Fine, fine.
Come on.

Just change in here.

I'll be more comfortable
in here.

I've seen you swimming
at the lake,

so I've seen you with
your shirt off!

Lately? 'Cause he's really
let himself go.

Lose the baseball cap, too.

You run the risk of his head
falling off without it.

I think he'll be okay.

Something wrong?

Uh, no.

No, I just...
no.

Happy?

Thrilled. A tie with
that would be just great.

We're leaving. It's gotta be something
I don't have to put together.

What?
My toy.

Talk good.
Wow, we're late.

Oh, by the way,
Jess had a girl in the closet.

What? Come on.
Pip pip.

Who? What was that?
What about the closet?

Okay... combs, rags, instructions,
timer, towels, tunes.

All systems are go.
Now, are you sure about this?

Will you stop?
I'll sign a waiver if you want.

Hit play, please.

We should open a window,
shouldn't we?

It's freezing outside.

The bleach is gonna stink up
the whole house.

Let it be the first clue that something's
happened for when my mom gets home.

Let the thick smell of bleach
meet her at the doorway

like a force that'll Usher her

into the next chapter of
Lane Kim's life!

The smell of bleach is
the smell of freedom!

You're very dramatic today.

To hell with the floor!
Oh, that felt good to say.

You done?
Take your seat, please.

And here we go.

How you doing?

Fine.

Feeling good?

Feeling great.
This is such a catharsis.

I have never felt so naturally
high in my life.

Stings a little, though.
Yeah, that happens.

But just a little.
No biggie.

More than a little, actually.
It's kind of a big little.

Just keep me posted.
In that case, it's kind of a lot.

Yep, yep, a lot of sting
happening here.

Try thinking about something
else.

God, this smells awful.

Okay, thinking about
something else.

Something else.
Thinking about puppy dogs.

Thinking about getting things
in the mail...

I love getting things in a mail.
Letters and packages.

Got a package!
What's that?

Jim Carey says that
in "ace ventura."

Thinking about world events.
Lots going on there.

Thinking about the last
movie I saw.

Vin diesel was in it.

Thinking about where vin diesel
got the name vin diesel.

Thinking about vin diesel's
mysterious ethnicity.

Thinking about how surprising
it is

to have so much to think
about with vin diesel.

Okay, now I'm just thinking
about the pain.

Back to vin diesel.

I've exhausted vin diesel, but
the pain, that's not exhausted.

Ever light your head on fire?
I know how it feels.

I'll rinse it out.

We'd have to start all
over again,

and I'll chicken out for sure!

I'm getting dizzy from
the smell.

Read the bottle.

Tell me what to do in
case of pain!

Um, blah, blah, blah.

"Do not apply to a broken
scalp." Is your scalp broken?

I don't know my scalp
that well.

There's nothing else
about pain.

A girl told me once if your
scalp is hurting, drink a 7 up.

The Kim household does not
have soft drinks!

What do you got?
Something called salad water.

Believe me,
it's nothing like 7 up!

We have to open this window.

I have got to do something!
Run around the block!

Good enough for me!

It's so good of you both to do
this, really.

We're happy to be here.
Right?

Zip-a-Dee doo-dah.

It must be fun to be back at
your old Alma mater.

I'm feeling all warm
and fuzzy here.

He told me he was so excited
about today,

he couldn't sleep last night.

We're all excited, too.

It's been so long since
we saw you, lorelai.

We had some laughs with this
one, let me tell you.

Yeah, she's a funny one.

The book fair in '97...

what you said to
that one rude customer...

priceless how you put him
in his place.

Yeah, I put that man in his
place alright. Zing!

What you said to him!
How could anyone forget?

"Hey, old man!

"Stick a crowbar in your wallet crowbar...
Wallet...

And cough up some dough,
'cause this is for our kids!"

You do remember!

It's emblazoned up here, Debbie,
all those good times.

Definitely.
Now, everyone's gathered.

The vice principal will finish
up in a second,

and then we'll call you in.

Lorelai, you want to go first?

Yeah, sure. Is that okay?
It's okay by me.

Great.
See you in a minute.

I couldn't pick that woman out of a
lineup if my life depended on it.

Will you lighten up?
No, I won't lighten up.

Aww.
I hate this place.

Still smells the same...
old, repressive.

Being back here doesn't make
you nostalgic at all?

I liked the final bell.
That's about it.

What are those?

They're my notes for the talk.

You put thought into this?

Yeah.
Don't you have notes?

I run a diner.
What are my notes?

People come in, they order food, I cook the
food, I serve the food, they eat the food.

Where I refill
coffee and water.

My big finale is a description

of the whole end-of-the-evening
mopping-up ceremony.

You're sure you don't mind me
going first?

There's a good chance you'll yak
so much they won't even get to me.

Oh, my God.

What?

Nothing.
Nothing at all... Butch.

For the love of...

what's that doing there?

What's it doing?
It's yelling, "mock me! Mock me!"

It shouldn't be there.

No, you're right.

It should have its own special
display at the diner.

Don't they need my permission?
This should be illegal.

Those shorts with that tank top
should be illegal.

Okay, stop now.

What was your girlfriend's name?
Sissy?

As a matter of fact, no.

"Oh, the girls just swooned when
butch danes took the field."

I knew there was another good
reason not to do this.

"Oh, no, don't walk away,
butch!

"If I thought you didn't care,
I'd die! I'd just die!"

It's weird.
Like straw.

I feel like I should be singing,
"if I only had a brain."

Now, you feel better?
Burning's completely gone?

Completely. I even think
the salad water's helping.

Okay, here goes nothing.

So, have you mentioned dyeing
your hair to the band yet?

No, but they've
all got tattoos.

Dave and Zack have musical themes,
and Brian's got a snoopy.

He's a slamming bass player.

So, you haven't even
mentioned it to Dave?

I just said I didn't tell the band.
Not even Dave?

No, not even to Dave.
What's with all the pressing?

Dave's just different
from the other two.

Of course,
he's the de facto leader.

I know, but also
from the day you guys met,

there's a little something
happening there.

I don't know what you're
talking about.

You're always talking
about him,

and now with this hair
emancipation of yours,

you're going to unheard-of
lengths

to make a statement
to your mother

so you can have a shot at
staying in the band.

Rory, Dave and I are
professionals.

I know.

The rock-'n'- roll highway
is littered with casualties

of band members who have dated
and broken the band apart.

That's a sensible attitude.
Very sensible.

Dave and I are very sensible
people.

I'm in love with him.
I know!

Is it that obvious?

Only to a guy with sunglasses
and a dog selling pencils.

He's so cute and smart.
Definitely cute!

That's such a rare package.
It's usually one or the other.

It's wrong, but that's the way
it usually is.

It increases the competition
for the daves of the world.

You're rare, too, don't forget.

I've never really felt
this way before.

I mean, Henry, yes,
but we never spent any real time together.

It's not just puppy love.
It's different.

I get butterflies in my stomach
when I think about him,

and when I call him to work out
times for band practice,

the ring of his telephone
gets me really excited.

And last week, someone said
"Dave" at school.

It wasn't even about my Dave,

and I almost lost it,
I got so shaky.

"My Dave."
That's so cute. Stop it.

This sounds like love to me.

It does, doesn't it?
My first love. Wow.

Yeah, wow.

I finally have a first love,
like what you and Dean have.

Right.

Exactly.

Of course, I don't exactly
have what you and Dean have

because you love Dean
and Dean loves you back.

In my situation, I love Dave,

and Dave thinks that I have
a decent sense of rhythm.

Don't move.
You'll drip.

God, you're so lucky
to love a guy

who actually knows you love him
and who loves you back.

That's gotta be the best
feeling ever.

I think this purple's
gonna look good.

I want that.
I want that really bad.

You will have your perfect first
love and second love

and any other love you want
because you're great

and purple heads will not be
denied.

Now, that should have been
put on the box.

Okay, now head down, please.

Okay, we're all ready
for you guys.

Great.
Excellent.

Okay, oh, Luke, you can have a seat
here while lorelai's talking, okay?

What's that? "Luke plus sissy."
Start your speech.

Okay, everyone, I think we're
ready to begin.

We have two local luminaries
here to talk to us today.

You probably all recognize Luke
danes from his fabulous diner,

but we're really excited
to begin

with a former stars hollow
high mom, lorelai gilmore.

No, no, save it for when I wow
you with my brilliance.

I'm really happy to be here
with you all today.

I recognize a lot of you
from over the years,

and you're all getting taller
and older.

Stop it.

Anyhow, as some of you know,
I run the independence inn.

Sounds simple...
"running an inn."

Well, the sentence is simple.
The job is not.

Like most jobs, mine involves
many other people,

people it is my job to hire,
to train, and to inspire,

because when you have good
employees,

it makes you look good.

Oh, questions already?
Are questions okay?

They're encouraged.
Yes?

You're Rory gilmore's mom,
aren't you?

Yes, I am, and proud of it.

Oh.

I hope all your questions
are that easy.

Why is it necessary
to inspire employees?

Why can't you just train them
and let them do their jobs?

Yes?

Didn't you get pregnant
when you were 16?

16.
It was around that age.

16.
That's sounds right.

Okay.

Different people working for you
will have different needs.

Yeah?

What about school?

Did you drop out when you got
pregnant with Rory?

No, technically, I didn't
drop out.

I kept going as long
as I could,

which I would recommend
to any girl.

Not the "getting pregnant"
part, obviously.

Although, if that happens...
it shouldn't.

I mean, it could, but you should
try to avoid it.

Anyway, uh, I got my g.E.D.
Yeah.

Lorelai?
Why don't we move this along?

Yes, oh, moving it along.
Okay, okay, okay.

I should have been more
organized here.

Are you sorry you got pregnant?

No.
It brought me Rory.

But timing is everything.
I mean, I could have...

16.
You guys are 16, right?

And, hey!
Is that clock right?

What do you mean by timing?

If you had waited and had a baby
with another man...

it wouldn't have been Rory,
right?

You know what's fun?
Late check out.

But it was good you got pregnant
because you got Rory.

Look, you guys, this is a very
important subject,

and in another time, I would love
to take you all for a cup of coffee

and talk about if you should
even be allowed to drink coffee,

because coffee is for older...

Butch danes, everybody.

What? It's perfect!
I love it!

Well, stop primping and
get out here!

Whoa!

It's everything I hoped
it would be.

It very rock 'n' roll.

We've gotta take a picture.
I am a Kodak picture spot.

Should I scowl or smile?
Surprise me.

This is the most radical thing
a Kim has done

since my cousin nam got caught
reading maxim at summer camp.

That must be your mom.

Lane?

Lane, you're turning white.
What's wrong?

Lane!
I can't do this.

Can't do what?
Dye my hair.

It's too late.
This is gonna kill her.

It won't kill her.
It'll just shock her.

And then she'll kill me.
We're talking blood bath here.

We've gotta put it back
to black!

Right now! Hurry!
Go! Go!

Go where?

Back to the store to get the
black hair dye!

This is insane.

I just drank a gallon of
liquid salad.

Insanity is a daily staple at
the Kim house.

Okay, I'm going.

Where are you going?
You're messing with my mind here.

You can't go out that way.
My mom will see you.

If she sees you, she'll come
looking for me.

You owe me. Big-time forever.
Now make like the wind.

Go! Go!
Go, go, go, go!

Uh-huh.

All I know is I don't have it,
so it's gotta be at your place.

You're not looking for it.

You're watching TV.
I can tell.

Yeah, whatever.
I'll just get a new one.

So what are we doing tonight?

I don't know.
I'm sick of eating.

I've been eating like a pig.
I feel all bloaty.

It's a word 'cause I said it.
That's how words get invented.

'Cause people say 'em, and then
other people say 'em.

You're such a jerk sometimes,
and I'm always nice to you.

Excuse me.
I get off at the same boring time.

Excuse me?
I don't have all day.

Hold on a sec. Will this be all?
Yeah, that'll be all.

I'm growing a beard here.
What's your problem?

What's your problem?
I'm a customer, I'm in a hurry,

and you're supposed
to assist me.

I am assisting you.

Yeah, after you took your sweet
time getting off the phone,

which clearly was not a business call.
Un-freakin'- believable.

Yeah, the level of service in this place
is just that... un-freakin'- believable.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, thanks.
You too.

And by the way, "bloaty"
is not a word.

There's "bloated," there's
"bloating," but no "bloaty."

Thanks.
That's fascinating.

For you, how ice is made is
probably fascinating. See ya.

Don't. I'm trying not to.
I swear.

I'm not trying hard.
I'll grant you that.

What was with those kids, so
curious, so full of questions?

Shouldn't their brains be
completely fried

on TV and video games by now?

It wasn't funny.
Not from your angle.

From mine, it was an evening
at the improv.

I'm not gonna be allowed within
a mile of the school ever again.

On the positive side,
you did me a favor.

Now I have a pleasant memory
from that school...

you being nailed like a 2x4 by a
group of 16-year-olds.

Oh, no.
What's this?

Looks like high noon in
stars hollow.

They're not carrying tar
and feathers, are they?

Oh, hi, everybody!

Wow, it's the whole gang!
What's up?

Oh, I felt obligated
to tell the other moms

about your little
performance at school

before they heard about it
elsewhere.

Usually, I like to meet up at
sardi's after a performance.

Wait for the reviews.
I hope the times liked me.

Huh! Nothing, huh?

So you're preaching
to our daughters

that it's okay to get
pregnant at 16.

Am I getting that right?

No, not at all.
I was answering their questions.

It's your answers we
didn't like.

I was talking about my job

but your kids kept asking about my pregnancy.
What was I supposed to do?

Fend them off!
Change the subject!

They kept coming at me like I
was Poland and they were Nazis.

Remember the old days, girls,
when I used to make you laugh?

There's nothing funny
about this.

Their questions
just threw me off, that's all.

Sounds like you just flaunted
your mistakes.

Now, hold on.
You have no right to judge me.

All I said was that for my particular
circumstances, things worked out okay.

I advocated nothing. You're all
acting like I walked into that room

tossing condoms in the air.

You might as well have.

Fine, next time,
I'll bring a banana,

and we'll have a little show and tell!
How about that?

What kind of mother are you?

The kind that doesn't gloss
over things

just because they're a little
uncomfortable.

This whole incident was
awkward and unnecessary.

No, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that
what's awkward and unnecessary,

Deb, is that you all seem to go
to the same lousy hairdresser.

How about mixing it up
a little, huh, girls?

I gotta get going. You good here?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Don't take that tone.

You ambush me, then you're
offended by my tone?

Hey.
Hey.

So what's going on out there?

Oh, just lorelai dealing
with some women

about something or other.

So I did that thing
at the school today.

Yeah, it went pretty well.

All the kids seemed
relatively unarmed.

I just told 'em about the diner
and cooking things,

and I expect kids all over town
will rush out tomorrow

and buy a spatula.

Checking for monsters?

No, just didn't want to
accidentally bump into someone.

What are you talking about?

Jess, did you have a girl
stashed in there before?

Lorelai said you were hiding
someone here earlier.

Were you?
Yes.

Jess, you don't shove a girl
in a closet.

I did not shove her in the closet.
She got in voluntarily.

Oh, sure.

Shane freaked, next thing I
know she's in there.

I personally didn't care
if you guys saw us or not.

But, hey, women, right?
You can't live with 'em.

You can't keep 'em
from jumping in the closet.

You and I have got to have
a little talk.

Hey, if you're gonna get all
ward cleaver on me,

I gotta go call Eddie and lumpy
and tell 'em I'm gonna be late.

Shut up for a second, would ya?

Look, I know you're at an age
where the whole girl thing is,

you know, on your mind a lot,

and it's probably not helping
you to think straight

with all the hormones and
other things that are raging.

My point is, you gotta think about
things a little better, you know?

The way you act.

If you care about a girl the way
you do with this Shane...

I don't care about her.
What?

I don't even know her
last name.

You're kidding.
She mentioned it once. Didn't stick.

What are you doing with her?

Just hanging with her.
No biggie.

You gotta be doing something
more than hanging with her.

You have to at least be doing something
with her to make her jump in a closet.

Relax, will you?
All's good.

You can't treat a girl
like this, like dirt!

She treats me like dirt, too.

It's a pretty
symbiotic relationship.

And that's fine with you to just
go along in a relationship,

you treat somebody bad, and they
treat you bad back.

That's right.

That makes you happy?

I'd do backflips,
but I am way too cool.

That makes absolutely no sense.

Doesn't have to make
sense to you.

There are plenty of other girls
out there in the world.

You could go out and at least find
one that you actually care about.

Like it's that easy.

It's that easy if you try.

The girls that I like don't
give a damn about me,

and unlike some other people I know,
I'm not gonna sit around hoping

that they change their minds
and suddenly notice me.

What's that supposed to mean?

You fixed any neighbor's
porches lately

or you go on a picnic
or you get rooked into giving

a ridiculous speech
at a high school?

At least I've got
a little self-esteem.

Shut up. I'm not playing golden
retriever hoping someday,

she'll turn around and fall
in my arms.

If she doesn't want to
be with me, then fine!

You have no idea what you're
talking about.

Whatever.
I gotta go. Shane's waiting.

You mean what's her name?

Yeah, I'll bring you a new leash
when I get back. Get out of here.

Busy day. Busy day.
I'm pretty exhausted.

I guess it was just too big of a
statement for me to make right now.

Maybe.
I just thought of something.

Technically,
you have dyed hair.

I do, don't I?
Yeah.

Dyed my natural color, yes,
but dyed nonetheless.

Not one strand of real color
on that head of yours.

So, I guess that means we can
score this as a victory, right?

Absolutely.
Put it in the victory column.

That girl's a freak.

What was that about?

It's been a very long day.

People who like me!
Great!

How was your talk at
the school?

Just peachy.
Is your hair blacker?

I wish you hadn't have
said that.

It's not noticeable.
Stay out of bright lighting.

What happened?

I dyed my hair.
Then I dyed it back.

But for a full 30 minutes,
I looked like this.

Whoa! You looked cool.
You're insane.

I got sane again, but I will
always have that picture.

Oh, hide it at your place?

I gotta go, and remember,
we still need a plan.

Yes, we do.
Why do we need a plan?

A plan so that Lane doesn't have
to quit her band.

Lane has to get famous and introduce
me to Bono! Alright, let's go eat.

Let's see if we can figure out a way
to salvage my future as a groupie.

Let's go to Al's pancake world.

He's doing a salute
to Jamaica again.

As long as Al doesn't play
the kettle drums.

We'll hide his mallets
when he's not looking.

So, come on, tell me how
the talk went.

It was one minute on my success
in the business world,

and it was 10 minutes
on the possibility

that if I had had sex
with a different man

you wouldn't have been born.

I kind of got off on a tangent.

A big one.
How did that happen?

I'll tell you about it at Al's.

Just don't expect to be invited
to any more swim parties.

Don't wait till Al's.
Tell me now.

Oh, I just love
my little fluke!

Come on, what happened?

Alright, well, it started off really good,
and then all these kids

started asking me all these
questions you know about like...