Original subtitles

The review says, I've never seen anything more stupid.

They ain't seen stupid yet. We're the judges of stupid. Yeah, we're the

We're the stupid judges.

We're here, baby.

Why couldn't this be allowed?

Most travellers avoid bad reviews.

Let's see what the review says.

One star.

One star. One star.

One star, that's harsh.

Really hands on the steering wheel, I think.

But not us.

Everything about this apartment screams, someone please burn me with fire.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm Sarah Pascoe. I'm a woman in a man's world, I make up my own mind. Oh God,

this is someone else's mess.

I'm Roisin Conaty.

I'm a killer.

We're comedians, but more importantly...

best friends as someone who has received bad reviews they will always try to

look for the good so we're turning the tables on the review site they were so

busy typing in their phone moaning that they thought to look out and visiting

places based on the worst reviews oh no

idyllically located miles from anywhere, Podtown.

This isn't it, though.

It says Podtown, your private space in a lively place.

Lively's pushing it.

This can't be it. This is all rusty.

I mean, let's see what these people say.

We're in town for a wedding. It's a nice place, but to be a little impractical

without a toilet and a bathroom. What? A little impractical? That's illegal.

You can't hire out a hotel. We don't know the rules in Norway.

Surely worldwide.

The UN has got to be around.

The important business. Email the UN.

Right, let's go in.

Oh, it is very sort of sci -fi inside. Look at these

lovely chairs. It's a bit of a mess.

I'm sort of...

Stunned. There's a Coke thing. Oh, God, this is someone else's mess.

Don't get in it. Oh, my God, it's moving.

Oh, God.

Sarah, there's the toilet.

Oh, my God.

It's horrible.

Oh, there you go. A bit of privacy for the lady. Now I can have a wee.

Can you not open it?

Oh, I've locked myself in.

Have I?

Oh, no. You've locked yourself in.

Help! Help!

Well, I thought we got to get some joy out of this absolute bit.

Water bikes on the Bosphorus.

Yep, that sounds fun, doesn't it?

Beautiful open water. You seem to be skipping over the word water bike.

Has anyone ever fallen in the water?

No.

I believe that we could be the first people to fall in ever off a water bike

the Bosphorus, yeah.

There's a big boat come in. Okay, you should be we've got right of way

pedestrian You should go there left this way ma 'am Yeah,

I'm making a TV program It should wait for me. We're just

drifting. We're just drifting embarrassingly. There's another boat.

loads boat No, we shouldn't be going down here Right, I'm going to have to

out. Oh, roasting. Right, I'm backing out. I'm backing out.

Don't crash into the back of me. I don't know my left from right.

All of a sudden, it was rush hour.

You are about to hit a canoe. You're going to hit a canoe. I can't avoid you,

canoe.

Hellish.

Hellish. It's hellish.

I think the key is to go fast and make people avoid us.

I'm happy here.

Roach, I'm on the open water.

Help me up.

There's a canoe.

Can someone help me?

Sarah, this is the worst.

He's got the broom out for me.

He's going to shoo me away.

Thank you.

Here I am, getting the brush off, as per.

Old train, old way of looking at the world. Let's have a little look at the

reviews, because I think they're pretty nice.

We've got our own room.

Yeah. Three times in the past decade I've used the railway. All three times

train caught fire.

Oh, my God.

Be careful where you sit.

The seat might fall off or something might stick out from under the

That doesn't sound good.

Is it a nice thing sticking out? But you might get pregnant by an old chair.

Rogat Guns is a gun range where reviewers complain that the safety rules

exactly five seconds.

Oh, perfect for busy modern professionals like us.

Pull! Pull!

Pull! Pull!

Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!

Pull! Pull!

Pull!

Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!

Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!

Pull! Pull!

It was really loud.

Five stars.

Have a nice evening.

Thanks for having us.

Fire came out of it.

Fire came out of it. I knew.

I just tried not to think about it and get the job done.

Like an assassin.

Don't get your empathy involved. Don't think about the victim.

Just pull that trigger.

Very soon, we're thinking too much.

Has anyone ever got sick in here? No.

This will be the first one.

It felt insane.

And my whole body was like, no.

I've got this...

It will hit me.

But it won't.

Oh, will it hurt the piece of paper?

Will my hands recoil?

She was sort of worrying that she was going to suddenly turn around and go on

shooting spree against her will.

Come on.

He's not helping.

Look how he's doing it. We are not killing anyone.

In this TV programme, it won't be a realistic length of time.

But just so the viewers know, and I think in honesty, we should say we've

in there for three hours.

Thank you.

Perfect.

Well done.

You did it.

Thank you. You did so well.

Thank you. Come.

You did good.

I'm an absolute killer.

You were better than Sarah.

If I had 45 minutes to think about it, maybe I'd have been a bit better as

Okay.

We're aboard a cruise ship described by one reviewer as unacceptable at all

levels. Well, we're on level four and we're about to make our entrance at the

casino.

Hello?

But I've seen your card.

Not a problem here. I see everybody, which one come here.

No, no, no, you can in poker. Russian poker. Look at my card.

Poker. Russian poker for Turkey.

It's Turkey, Russian poker, no problem.

Okay, so how do we play?

Yeah. You can have nothing for it, just only queen, nothing, everybody is queen.

You can change four cards.

I could talk that far, done that confusingly. Even she was explaining,

other questions, I still didn't understand her. You just all think

big for your card, customer king. You put in here.

She did change the rules several times if you were listening. We can record

this. We can do rewind and playback.

Two cards.

But I'd like to do three.

No, you changed two cards.

Oh,

you've got a king. I know someone called Tony, so you can't win.

Oh, oh.

We upset the gods?

This can't be normal.

Ah, yeah.

Like all luxury casinos, this one comes with a complimentary terrifying ship

quake.

Right off the motorway. Perfect for weary travellers who want something to

deep fried.

Deep fried Mars bar. Have you had one? No.

Do you want to hear a review about it? Yeah. I mean, I can't see how you'd get

bad review of a deep fried Mars bar.

One star.

No, full stop.

That Mars bar was fine just as it was.

Imagine reviewing a deep -fried Mars bar and writing that.

Yeah. I've always been intrigued by the idea of deep -frying something sweet,

and it sort of melts in inside, and then the hot, hard... I'm getting sexual.

Let's get a few things out. I've got vegan biscuit.

I turned up for any party. I brought some vegan snacks.

Things I like.

Oreos, jammy dodgers. People don't even know they're vegan. I'll do a few at

once, actually.

Yeah, that's the best thing. Might as well. Yeah, might as well.

He just went into a frenzy. Now, can I try this?

As long as it's covered, you just drop it in.

There's a muffin.

I put that into the oil.

That's delicious.

The muffin is an absolute banger.

Put some custard on it, charge £11 in East London. You're welcome. It was

unbelievable.

I do feel a bit sick.

Hendoos come to Benidorm, and I never had a hendo when I got married, so it

really exciting for me, the opportunity to gatecrash one.

For Molly and Dara.

Cheers!

Oh, yes!

Bring in the penis now, we're ready!

Magical.

Do you like being drawn by a hen dude, Wolf?

What? Do you enjoy this?

People drawing you.

Yeah. I wasn't asking you to turn that up.

Can I call what you're saying to him?

We're drawing a man called Wolf who couldn't speak English.

Every time we spoke to him, we thought he meant shake his bum.

How many of these do you do a week?

Who's I do? Yeah.

So by the end, you just stop making small talk. You just sort of go, Wolf,

long you been called Wolf? And he's like...

We're

in the Albanian countryside.

Our driver, Haral, is taking us to meet some of his family friends.

Where we're going now, this is sort of off the tourist trail.

Some of the reviews, they were saying that this was Albania's answer to

Chernobyl. Here we are.

Will you get out?

Wow.

Oh, hello.

Hello. Hi, Romela. Hi, Romela. I'm Roisin.

Gutim? Is Gutim? What does it mean?

Gutim is the name. Memory.

I thought you were saying... David.

David. David.

How do you say nice to meet you?

So do you like drinking anything?

Oh, I love to drink things.

Big glass, thank you.

Yoghurt? Is it yoghurt?

So it starts like your traditional Greek yoghurt, and at the end you're dealing

with the blue cheese.

Yeah. So your throat does go a little bit like, what is happening?

Yeah. It's sort of like all of the dairy products in one glass.

Do you use the sheep for milk as well, or for wool? No, we don't. For wool?

We use them for, like, when there are,

like... Do you eat them?

Yeah, I eat them. OK, right, yeah. You were skirting around it, wasn't it? I

don't know if you've got the footage, but I know Albanian now.

That is very good. Some of you were really good.

I think I'm going to open a YouTube channel.

You're going to open a YouTube channel?

Yeah, for singing.

You should, you've got a beautiful boy.

I'm going to sing my song. Never read the comments, is my advice.

Yeah, I don't care about the haters.

No, you don't care about the haters. I only care about the fans.

The weather's terrible.

and we're having the time of our lives.

When people invite you into their home, and they've got a real love of Albania,

and they want you to love it, you really feel that, and that's really sweet.

This experience, and I'm so relieved to say, is five stars.