All language subtitles for Taskmaster.S20E07.Drier.Than.You.Think.Chalk.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

Oh, no.

Hello.

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Eh.

HE GRUNTS

Nothing's ever straightforward in
this stupid house.

Hello, there. I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to Taskmaster.

They say it's not
the winning that counts,

it's the taking part
and if you're a child watching

the pre-watershed version
of this show,

I'm here to tell you
an uncomfortable truth.

You're being told that,
because you're not good enough.

That's the kids sorted.

Now...
LAUGHTER

..let's see if we can break
some adults.

Please welcome Ania Magliano...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Maisie Adam...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Phil Ellis...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Reece Shearsmith...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Sanjeev Bhaskar.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, next to me,
a man who secretly told me,

and I really must distance myself
from comments like this,

that he thinks that women
are like electric vehicles,

really good as long as
they're not in charge.

It's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone.
How are you feeling?

I'm feeling good.
Unfortunately, lurgy,

you've got the lurgy now. No returns.

No returns.
I've had that for two months.

You've now got it
and you can't get me.

Oh, cheese touch, bad luck.

Can't get me?
You're now a social outcast.

Cheese touch.
Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, you've got loads
of up dog on your waistcoat.

What's up dog?

Not much, what about you?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That has killed the atmosphere.

What's the prize task?
You've been very specific,

yet incredibly vague
with this one, Greg... Hm.

..as they've been asked to bring in

the best thing you can either ride,
or rip.

Yes, ride or rip, or is it both?
That's up to Greg,

my favourite host ever.

The winner of
the episode will take home

all five things you can either
ride, or rip, or both maybe,

which is pretty sick and gnarly,

but that's quite enough from me.
I'll see you all later.

OK, Sanjeev, hello. What have you
brought me that I might like

to ride, or rip?

I figured the most fun thing
to ride...

..would be...

..Alex Horne.

Erm, according to
the internet, I agree.

Yeah. But I have brought something
which will allow you,

to be able to manoeuvre him.

LAUGHTER
Perfectly fits Alex Horne's head.

Lovely. And obviously you've got
rear-view mirrors

so you can see what's coming up
behind you. Yeah.

Erm, and you've got a bell

to warn people that your
Alex Horne's coming.

LAUGHTER

And I mean that in
a pre-watershed way.

So, anyone can ride me,
can they, with this device?

You could be on all fours

and somebody can be sitting
on your back. Mm-hmm.

And they've got your head.

OK, yeah.
And they turn you that way.

Also sitting on your shoulders
like that. Oh, and leaning down.

Yeah.
Oh, like a penny farthing, Alex.

Like a penny farthing.

Phil. Right, so, this is something
that is...

You are ripping
and riding at the same time.

Hello.
If you'd like to show.

Here it is. Check this out.

So, you're ripping off
a very famous Monty Python joke...

..and you're riding an imaginary...
Could be a pony,

could be a horse.

Could be a camel,
depends what mood you're in.

And it's...
I've put a nice little ribbon on it,

so you can wear it round like
mittens through your coat.

MAISIE LAUGHS

Don't lose one.
Because if you lose one,

you're just a madman waving round
half a coconut. Yeah.

On the M1.
No, when you're on the M1,

you've got two,
you're looking great.

Yeah, yeah. They go,

"Oh, don't beep your horn near him,
you'll startle her."

I like it. Maisie.
I've gone all ride on this one.

I'm hoping it will please you, Greg.

It's even been mentioned so far.

It's a personalised Greg Davies...
LAUGHTER

..penny farthing.

ALEX: It's pretty good.
It's pretty amazing.

It is gonna be a struggle
for you to get in that seat,

but, my God, it will feel brilliant.

Once you're in, you're in,
aren't you?

Once you're in, you're in. Famously.

That's what I always say.
Oh, these are all good,

someone's gonna mess up,
aren't they? Reece.

Well, I've gone ride and rip.
And in the '70s,

we used to have dare devils.

You don't get them any more,

but there was one very famous
dare devil, Evil Knievel.

Evil Knievel.
And I had the Evil Knievel toy.

Can I say?
It's my favourite ever toy.

Amazing. Well it's that.
Cos, you get the opportunity

to, sort of, ride like Evil

and the rip cord is
the rip of the ride.

And there's a picture here of it.
There we go, there he is.

And there he is.
Rip cord racer.

I remembered the rip. There he is.
Here we go.

And then up he goes and he's off.
LAUGHTER

Oh.
And there is a...

APPLAUSE
Thank you.

There is also another rip.
Yes.

Because...Evil never made it.
And he did actually die.

It's a lovely double rip.
Oh, that's saved him.

Cos, up to that point,
he just brought in a toy.

But that little joke
saved him. Ania.

I've brought in something
that I've designed.

It's based on my feeling that,
when I travel,

I have quite a weak bladder.
Yeah.

So, I've designed something that
should smoothen that situation.

Smoothen. Smoothen me.

This is Ania demonstrating it.

And she is using it in both
functions during that clip.

Yeah.

Let's say if, on Monday, I wanted
to go the Chelsea Flower Show.

Yeah.
You... You don't... You think, erm,

they'd be fine with me riding
this round? Yeah, 100%.

Just dropping turds on the floor.
LAUGHTER

I think so.
That's good for the soil, isn't it?

Yeah.
They'd be welcoming you inside.

They'd be going,
"Over here, our garden.

"The Peace Garden,
The Peace Garden!"

LAUGHTER

"Quick, feed him."

Can I say one more thing?
It cost me four figures.

LAUGHTER

What, you had to pay
over £1,000 for it? Yeah.

Oh, my God, it'd be so funny if
I gave you just one point.

Greg. Greg, please,

I'm begging you, if you do that,
I will break.

OK, you've seen all five.
Yeah. It's hard to separate.

I think they're all pretty good.

I mean, Reece's is the worst,
but then he saved it

with that joke.
But I'm not gonna give you one.

Oh. OK. Cos I liked it.
I'm gonna give him two points.

But you are last, Reece.
Yeah, apparently.

Two lovely points followed by
three lovely points, coconuts.

Four points, the penny farthing.

But third place.
But third place.

Yeah.
No.

Yeah.
Second place. Joint first place.

Are you kidding me?
No offence, Sanjeev. Yeah.

His is a hat.
Yeah, I loved it.

So, it's four points to Maisie,
five points to Sanjeev and Ania.

There you go.
There we go, well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've gotta be honest, I don't think
I scored that very well.

Erm, right, let's start with
a team task.

Okey-dokey, yes, of course,
but, be warned, I have word from

security that there's trouble going
down at the Taskmaster museum.

O-o-oh.

ALEX WHISTLES

Staff room check.

HE WHISTLES

Pressure pad check.

Statue, in place.

Art room, clear.

HE WHISTLES

Oh, God. Reece.
What's this?

Are we safe?
I don't know.

Oh, there's a lot to take in here.

What's this?
Oh, God. Floor plans.

Are we doing a heist?
Oh, God.

Where's Alex?

Where is Alex? Oh, this is horrible.

Look. It's the house.

"Steal the statue of Archimedes."

"Steal the statue of Archimedes.

"You have 15 minutes of observation
and preparation in the van."

"Then, 15 minutes
to carry out your heist.

"Most sophisticated
successful heist wins."

"Your time starts now."

So, we are gonna have
to steal...that.

Right, where is that?

Is that Alex?
Oh, look he's a policeman.

He's got important codes.

He's got important codes,
OK, OK, OK.

Oh, yeah, well,
let's check out his route.

So, his route is
he comes out of the house.

We don't have that long, guys.

Staff room, door alarm check.

There was three beeps
of two after alarm check.

Shed check. Clear.

Right, we need to get to
the tool shed.

Statue room.
Pressure mat alarm check.

ALARM WAILS

Good, good to know.
Pressure pad. Before...

Yeah, don't step on that.

Functioning. Statue, in place.

3-0-1-0-2-2, it said.
3-0-1-0-2-2. Excellent work.

Wait, he's taking his jacket off
to go to the toilet.

If he does a routine wee,
that's the time to get

the jacket and the keys...
Oh, yeah. Shall I set my watch?

..but with it round his neck.

ALEX STRAINS

Oh, my God.

He's not well.

So, where's...? He's in the lab.

So, he's... Now, he's in the lab.

Oh, look, he's not weeing again.
Two minutes.

He wees every two minutes.

This is such good info.
Excellent, yeah.

Yeah, there's the key,
look there's the key.

So, they're in his top-left pocket.

Is there a way of keeping him in
the toilet?

But is there something
we can wedge against it?

Yeah. Let's kill him.

I mean, I was genuinely drawn into
the drama of it up until that point.

Erm, I'm quite excited about this.
Yeah.

It looks very dramatic.
Who are we gonna see first?

Well, first to plot
and then partake in

a heist are
your stereotypical gangsters,

Ania, Phillip and Sanjeev.

The plan is, go to the tool shed.
Well, should two of us just run

and grab as much stuff
as we think is useful. Mm-hmm.

HE WHISTLES

Where is he, where is he?
He's there. 3-0-1-0-2-2.

Go, guys, go. See what you can find.

Hey, how's it going?

Yeah, huge wire cutter.
I'm getting a net.

Oh, yeah, get a net,
let's just trap him

and kill him, I keep telling you.

Oh, where's Sanjeev?

Oh, shit.
Sanjeev.

WHISPERED: Red alert.

OK.

What's this?

That's all there was in there.
That's all there was?

OK, the statue has a weight sensor,
maybe that could replace it.

Right. I'm just gonna have
a quick look in the shed.

Statue, in place.

Is he about to go the loo soon?

OK, we've got keys.

Hello? Hello?

I don't think it worked.

Sanjeev, are you there?
He's out the loo.

Interesting. He's heading to
the camera-feed room.

You need to hide from
the cameras now.

Hide from the cameras.

Who's that?
There are two people on the camera.

He's in the camera room,
did you say?

Right, I'm gonna go and investigate.
He's heading out the front door.

All the cameras have gone off.
All the cameras have gone off.

Where have they gone?

Hi.

Hello, sir, now, you shouldn't be
here after the museum is shut.

Sorry about that.
What is your name?

Pip. Yeah, I had a single out in
the '90s.

Right. Go into the car park.
Thank you.

Yeah, no, I do apologise about that.

I've got it, I've got it,
I've got it.

ALARM HONKS

Oh, what is that?

I need someone to figure out
where he is,

so that I can get back.
I've got the statue.

Oh, yeah, I'll go and distract him.

Because he can only send you
back here.

Hello?

Just sent Phil to distract him,
cos we've got no cameras at all.

Sorry, me again.
What time do you open tomorrow?

Pip, we should be open
at half eight,

but if you wouldn't mind leaving
the premises.

Always a pleasure. Been great.

So, we are shut at the moment.
Thank you.

No, I do apologise, no problem.
All right.

Thanks, mate.
I've only got seven minutes left.

That's a shame.

Statue room. Pressure pad check.

ALARM HONKS
Che...

Sta... Sta... Statue's gone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're right, you know, it is weird
you don't get cast in more stuff.

Statue's gone.
"Erm, erm, erm, erm, erm."

Do you know what, also,
that wasn't acting.

I hadn't seen any of
the footage, cos he tore

the wires out of the security,
which means we didn't even record

the security footage after that,
cos we weren't expecting anyone

to rip the wires out.

So, all that footage has gone

and I couldn't believe
the statue had gone.

Yeah, you sort of came good at
the end.

Up until that point,
I don't think it's unfair

to say you might be
the weak link the team.

You remembered the code.
Mm-hmm.

Well done. Erm, I loved
the finding an object to

replace the weight of the statue.
It was all going to plan

and then we had
a northern man dressed...

Dressed as a '70s pimp...
LAUGHTER

..attempt to lock him in the toilet

and fail and then you became
a maintenance man called Pip.

He gave a fake name, Pip,

which is short for your name, Phil.
Yeah, I know.

I think every time we've done
a team task,

and I say this with so much love...
Oh, thanks.

..but we've been doing, one,
the actual task

and then the second task
of wrangling Phil.

That is a joy.

We've reached the end of
the first part of our first heist.

Another lesson for you youngsters
out there,

if you haven't got
the things you like, steal them.

See you in a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part two and our cast
are planning

and participating in heists
at Taskmaster Museum.

Fortunately for them,
the security guard is this goon.

Hello. Yes, they're trying to seal
the statue of Archimedes

and there's just one crime duo
left to go.

Chill out, Kray twins, it's time
for Reece Fearsmith

and Maisie Doesn't Give Adam.

Important codes.

We need to get that off him then.
He needs a wee.

He's gonna need a wee.
He puts it down. He puts it down.

He puts it down. Good.

Right, shall I just go in now when
he's in the loo? Go now.

Can...? If you can hear me,
I think he's coming out.

Oh, Jesus, she's got it.
Quickly, get in.

He had this code. 3-0-1-0-2-2.

Great. Well, now, it makes me think
that it's not a key, it's...

It's not a key.
It's codes that are on that.

Checking security cameras.

Has he gone in the lab?
Yeah, he'll be in the lab.

Shall I go now? 3-0-1-0-2-2.

Any trouble? Good.

Oh, hang on a minute.

There's someone out there...with
an umbrella.

Oh, God, Reece.

SHE SQUAWKS

Excuse me, I just saw someone.

Oh, fuck. Reece, move,
move, Reece. Oh, shit. Reece.

Excuse me, sir.
Hi.

We're shut, I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.
I went wrong.

Would you mind?
I went round the wrong, erm...

Back to the car park, please.
Which way round is it, please?

This way, sir.

Jesus Christ.

It's not a code it's a lock with
the number four on it.

Go and have a look now, shall I?

Oh, hang on, there's someone on this
camera. Right, off we go again.

Oh, no, he's... He's seen her,
he's spotted her.

Hello. Yeah, I just saw you on
the camera. You did.

Excuse me, I didn't know which way
round I'm meant to be going. I...

I sent you back to the car park.
Sorry.

All right, what's your name?
Erm, Lindsey.

Staff room alarm check.

Oh, fucking hell.
Come on.

He said he saw me on the camera.

Do you know what we do?
What?

We run in and we just grab that
whole box and run out with it.

You reckon?
When he's in the loo now? Yeah.

Yeah. Ready.

Don't step on the mat.
Just yank it.

Ah.

Yes. We're in.
Well, we've stolen it.

We need to make it at least
appear sophisticated.

Shall we leave him a little note?
Yeah.

Thank you for the free gift.

We're going, we're going,
we're going. Drive, drive!

Well, first things first,
successful.

Yeah. Sophisticated.
Yeah.

Tell me about the see-through
umbrella disguise.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what happened,
we didn't...

Our walkie talkies didn't work.
Walkie talkies, they didn't work.

Which is why I had to resort
to other modes of communication.

What a warning.

Well, it needed to attract
Reece's attention, but...

But... But blend in with
the atmosphere.

I know, in a sophisticated way.
Shall we have a look at it?

Oh, God. Reece.

SHE SQUAWKS

Sophistication. It's just like
watching Ocean's Eleven.

Incredible. Both successful.
Yes.

I think the team
of three were more sophisticated.

Five points to the team of three.
OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Feels like three is fair.

I've written off what you have
in your mind as fair.

You did say...
LAUGHTER

Three points.

Three points to the team of two.
There we go. It feels fair.

Both very entertaining.
Scoreboard, please.

Yes, well, Sanjeev, we know,
has not won an episode yet

but he's joint in the lead
with Ania on ten points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This could be the one.
This could be the one.

On with another task, please.
Oh, yes, please.

And it's that time in
the series when we get grim.

AS HANNIBAL LECTER:
Good evening, Alex.

I know they would never have let me
out of here while I'm alive.

Quid pro quo, I tell you things,
you tell me, you tell me things.

AS HIMSELF: Hi.
Chris Eubank?

Sorry? Chris Eubank?
Yeah, who was it supposed to be?

It was Hannibal Lector.
Oh, was it? Oh, lovely. Lovely.

Chris Eubank.

You look ready.
Glad it looks that way.

This is wet.
Yeah, that's my fault.

SHE CHUCKLES

"Dribble a technicolour picture
of your hero."

"Your technicolour picture
must only be made

"from things that have travelled..."

"Directly from your mouth."

"To the tray through the air."

"And cannot be tampered
with post dribble."

"Best technicolour dribble
picture wins."

"You have 15 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Are there colours
available somewhere?

You may leave the room.
OK.

I may not be coming back.
Right.

Just so you know.

You looking forward to it,
Chris Eubank?

Can you do a Chris Eubank,
just for the record?

AS CHRIS EUBANK:
Yes, of course I can.

Let's crack on.

OK. First to demonstrate
their committal

to spittle are Ania,
Sanjeev and Reece Shearspit.

So, we've got some items here.
There's not many different colours.

It's hard to find colours.
Anyway, do you want...

Shall I tell you afterwards
who it is? Up to you.

I have some supplies.

Yes, it must be technicolour,
so this is good.

An artist prepares.

Sorry, I forgot what
the rules were.

Excellent.

I'm gonna draw...
Dribble.

Dribble...
SHE CHUCKLES

..William Shakespeare.

Getting that in there then.
What's the liquid?

It's coffee. OK.

CROWD GROAN

CROWD GROAN

I have a question.
Erm, I need to go to the loo,

does that come out of my time?
Or do you pause it?

It comes out of your time, Sanjeev.

It's not right, it's not right.

Welcome back.
Thank you very much.

Seven minutes now.

CROWD GROAN

CROWD GROAN

Very accurate.
Thank you.

Sometimes, you've gotta be bold.

CROWD GROAN

Oh.

It's him in his old age.
Writing his last play.

CROWD GROAN

You know when you can sometimes...

You don't know when to stop.
I think I'm gonna stop. Yeah.

That's it.
That's it.

Done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What I initially wrote down was
that Ania was quite,

sort of, traditionally lady like in
the way that she dribbled

the picture until suddenly
you turned into the exorcist.

You achieved a 30 second dribble,
a constant...

Constant, half-minute stream.
Really? Whoa!

I'm not sure that's something
to be proud of.

I thought Sanjeev was,
erm, nicely controlled.

He was in the toilet for most of
the task. Mm.

I mean, honestly,
though, Reece, you...

For most of it, you looked like
someone in Watford high street on

a Saturday night...
LAUGHTER

..honking up.

I expected you to go,
"Get my brother. Get my brother."

HE RETCHES

I think it's because of what
the colour was.

Yeah, the colours.
The choice of colour did not help

the, erm, overall image.
OK.

Let's start with Shakespeare.
Let's.

Everyone's hero, really.

This is Ania's take on
William Shakespeare.

LAUGHTER

Is that it?

So, let's focus on the ruff.
Yeah, the ruff is everything.

The ruff is there.
I did actually make a note,

I was surprised by how much

the squirty cream looked like
a ruff when it was going on.

It's good, isn't it?
And then... So, that's his pen,

his quill. The... The...
The red at the bottom. Mm.

I mean, honest to God, it's rubbish.

And then the orange is like back,
cos it was in mediaeval times,

that's like the, erm... What...
Air looked like that.

LAUGHTER

Pollution, cos they didn't have
air conditioning.

Cos of the smog.
Cos of the smog. Mm.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, it is good.

Sorry, sorry, this...

Erm, because this is
bugging me slightly... Yes.

Right, the... He was in
the late 1600s. Yeah.

He was pre-smog.
They didn't have factories.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't clap that.

Ooh.
It's a good point.

Someone doesn't know about

the industrial revolution.
Who's next?

Well, see if you can work out who
Sanjeev's hero is.

LAUGHTER
You're back in the game.

Yeah. Well, I mean, obviously,
I'm not gonna be able to guess it.

You'll kick yourself.
It's Gene Wilder.

LAUGHTER

It's the smile, the smile gives
it away. The smile, the nose.

I can see it now.
Oh, God.

Once you start looking at it,
you see Gene Wilder.

There's Wonka.

And he's got that trademark factory
smog around the edge.

Who's next? Well, we have
a recognised artist here.

Reece Shearsmith has done
this person.

Can you work out who this is?
Here we go.

Wow.
Oh.

That's great.
Who's the old actor,

erm, Reece keeps mentioning?
Boris Karloff.

You're in the ball park.
You're in the right world.

Is it Dracula?
It is Dracula.

Yes, it's Dracula.
Cool.

It's Dracula.

You were right, you only did need
those two colours.

Bat in the corner.
Yeah.

Yeah, the widow's peak.
The moon, as well, is up there.

The dark, foreboding atmosphere.
Oh, the eyes, the eyes.

The eyes.
The red, burning eyes.

They're so haunting.

OK, it's time to pause

and reflect on the horrors
we've just seen.

Make granddad a cup of tea.

And wake him up,
we've got dribbling covered.

Hello. Welcome to
the start of part three.

I'm afraid there's a drool-based art
task which still needs completing.

Yes, it's a horrible thing
and I really, really enjoy it.

We have double dribbles to
end with, it's Maisie and Phil.

Wonderful, right, well,
you'll be surprised

to know I'm not gonna leave
this room.

I'm gonna do it all from everything
we've got right here.

Only joking, that would be
genuinely insane.

Right.

How do we feel about crayons?

Oh.
We're off.

There he is. Ol' Blue Eyes himself.

Drier than you think, chalk.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

And it can't be tampered
with once it's fallen.

Oh, you...tit.

Well, you've got two minutes now.

Fill in the gaps.

Recognisable?
Yeah. Spitting image.

That's good.
Literally.

SHE LAUGHS

Spitting.
Spitting image.

Yeah, I'll write that down.
Write that down.

Now, that is pretty good.

WHISTLE BLOWS

You're welcome.

Thank you. Thanks for your time.

See you, Phil.
I feel sick.

Well, I quote Phil,
"I'm gonna stay in the lab

"and just chew up the task.

"I'm only joking, that would be
genuinely insane."

Were you all told
you could leave the room? No.

I did leave off my own accord,
if I'm honest.

Sanjeev had to go to the loo.

Yeah, and that... And that time
wasn't taken off,

I'm still kind of shocked at that.

It means if I'd had
a heart attack, at some point, when

the paramedics were working on me,
you would've said, "Time's up."

I'd be...

So, yes, Maisie, we, I guess,
presumed people would think,

"Well, I have to leave the room,

"because there was nothing in
the room."

Well, cos I looked around at what
I had available

and thought, "Well, it must be
the envelope."

Did you eat the word technicolour
first, do you think?

Oh, shut up, Phil.

Have a look at what this lady's done
with her mouth.

This is...
LAUGHTER

This is her technicolour
picture of her hero.

Look at the tie-slash...
Yeah, there's a tie.

Slash-microphone.

It's not as bad as I was expecting,
to be fair. It is very much a face.

And I've met Rod Stewart

and he looks almost exactly
the same as that. It's Rod Stewart.

It's all right.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, I haven't seen the picture yet.
Hm.

From the angle we've seen it at,
it looks like madness.

It's quite accurate.
OK.

There it is.
LAUGHTER

I remember it as
a lot better than that.

It's like Scanners when
the head blows up.

Is it Elvis?
No.

No, that's his gorgeous red hair.
Hucknall.

Erm, you know. Hucknall, it is.
It is Mick Hucknall.

It's Mick Hucknall.

Is it?!

Let's put all five up there.

What a line up that would be
for Taskmaster series 21 though, eh?

Some of them have only got
two colours,

but I won't penalise that,
because the main thing is

the likeness and, on this occasion,
I'm going to give Ania one point.

MAISIE SCOFFS
Aw.

I'm so sorry.

I like the character,

but he doesn't look like
Gene Wilder. I'm gonna give,

erm, two points to Sanjeev.
OK.

Against all odds, I'm giving
Rod Stewart three points.

Even more against the odds,
I'm giving Mick Hucknall,

cos there's an element of animation
to it, four points.

And, clearly, even though there are
only two colours,

Dracula is the superior painting,
five points to Reece.

Five points to Reece Shearsmith.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's cool all right.
Shall we have another task?

We shall and, just like
Greg in his teaching days,

this one involves me getting
hammered at work.

Oh, nice head tattoo.
Thank you, Ania, in you go.

Do I look about for the task maybe?
Yes, if you want, sure.

Nice.

Is it in a thing?

Hm, no.

What is the task and where is it?

Someone's rustling. Oh. Thank you.

Oh.
HE CHUCKLES

Oh, it's there, God.
Oh, hello.

Oh. Do you like pantomimes?

Why? Erm... Oh, yes, I do.
Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, yes, I do.

Do you?
Yes.

This is like a really low-budget
kids' show. Not low budget.

No, this is like
a really high-budget kids' show.

Sometimes, it's behind you.
It's behind you. That's the...

"Get exactly 63 points by bopping
Alex on the head."

"You must shout a different type
of food on each bop

"to register the bop."

"If you bop anyone other than Alex,

"five bops will be deducted
from your total score."

"You must stay in the hutch."

"And the fastest wins."

"Your time starts on the whistle."

Is one bop one point?

63 points are on my head.
There'll be other heads.

So, if you get me once,
that'll do it.

Oh. Seems easy then.

Well, looks like we're off,
it's pretty straightforward,

bop this, erm...
This clown on the head.

Yeah, bit of fun.
Bit of fun. Let's go.

Let's go,
let's see a marauding Maisie,

a savage Sanjeev

and a rampaging Reece
bop till they drop.

OK, so, I've gotta try
and bop your head

and say food stuffs?

Oh, no what are these.

Oh, I see.

Five points, that one.
OK.

One.

Oh, right OK.

That's Greg.
Mm, so, you've got minus ten.

What?

Oh.

Oh, ten points.

Still minus ten.
But I got him.

Minus ten.
But I got him.

I can't register the bop. Minus ten.

Now, listen, I can't register any
of these bops. Why?

All the information's on the...
On the task.

Fuck.

Right.

Lovely.

Erm...

Need a food. A...

A... A...

A...

This is gonna take bloody forever.

Yeah, you're on 21 points.

Erm...

You're using the guitar now.

Oh, there's something by your waist.

What? Urgh.

That was a rather creepy one.

Oh. Didn't I bop that,
that was a bop.

Yeah, but you didn't say
a food, unfortunately. Argh!

This is just annoying now.

Well, what's happened to his head?

Oh. Erm...

Oh.
Ah.

Yes, you got me,
so, now, you're on plus 72.

Yeah, you've gone over now.
Ah. I see.

Ah.

69. You've got too many now.
Now, you need to hit a few Gregs.

Erm...

Right.

Right.
Right.

We're now on 59.

OK, you're on 62 now.

So, you just need one
of me that's worth one.

WHISTLE BLOWS
I've stopped the clock.

Erm...

I've stopped the clock.

Got it. Whoo.
I've stopped the clock.

Thank you.

Oh, God.

Maisie, have you ever worked at
a supermarket?

I wrote down that run,
broccoli, carrot,

butternut squash, Big Mac,
Chicken Supreme Wrap.

Chicken Supreme Wrap.
It's really hard.

It's... This task was
so infuriating.

Reece was far more specialist.
You were like a deli. Yeah.

There were only three things

and they were shouted
with such passion.

AS REECE: Fishes!

Fishes, pistachio, aubergine.

Yes, I mean the others were just
as classy. Sugar-snap peas.

Whoa!

Fascinating little runs from you.

Lovely little concentrated runs.
Not much action.

Then, all of a sudden,
"Beef, pork, chicken."

And then there was that lovely
curry run at the end.

Absolutely poetry.

Erm, I mean runs
and curry do go together.

That's good. He's good!

All right then, we're nearly there.
In the final part of the show,

someone will triumph
and then travel home

on a toilet courtesy
of Ania Magliano.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you! Welcome back to part four
of Taskmaster. Yes, hello.

And a special shout out to any
funeral directors watching today.

Thank you.
LAUGHTER

Before the break they were trying to

get exactly 63 points
by bopping Alex on the head.

Let's see Ania and Phil
and mallets and me.

And... I don't know what...
I don't...

I don't wanna just bop you on
the head.

What? Oh, I think that is you.
Bop. Erm... Erm... Erm...

No, that's too slow.

Lovely.

No, you missed that.

I mean, if you get my head,
that'll give you a lot of points.

That's not your head, you're
tricking me. That's Greg's head.

That's correct.

Oh. Maca...

Why am I struggling?
Wait a minute, there's another way?

Dunno.

Oh, look, yes, yes. Right.

Oh.

Lovely.

Never had it.

Well, you've knocked
the head off that now.

I've got it.

You're on 62, you need
one more point. One more.

So, you're now on 58 points.
OK.

63.

And that's your time over.
Yes.

Oh, there's a camera in this.

Mwah.

I mean, was there either
of those shopping baskets

that's more middle class than
the other?

Frangipane tart.
Is that your go-to?

Don't know what that is.

Egg, potatoes. Loved it.
Although, oh, man,

the thing that got me
is your first guess.

There's, I'm sure, now,

a fairly offensive character
called Porky Pig,

do you remember Porky Pig?
Oh, erm, yeah.

And he had a bit of
a speech impediment... Yeah.

..and you did that at
the beginning.

You went, "Huh-beh-huh-beh-huh-beh,
kumquat."

Which was most incredible.

I've never had to say it
under pressure before.

Well, shall I do the timings?

Huh-beh, do the timings.

Erm, the quickest, in 2:29, was Ania.

Well done, that's five points
to Ania.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Lovely.

Yeah. Then we go Phil, 4:44,
Sanjeev, 5:51,

Maisie, 6:39 and, far slower
than everyone else,

Reece, one point, 8:45.

Let's have a look at some scores.

Yes, well, in the series,
it's still tight,

11 points separating
all five of them.

Ooh.
I know.

Like anyone could win the series?

Anyone could win the series.

In this particular episode,
tight, Sanjeev, you're on 15,

but Ania and Phil are in
the lead with 16.

ANIA AND PHIL: Oh.

OK, everyone, will you please head
to the stage for

the final task of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh.
Oh, I didn't see that.

Who will be reading the task?

That one, Maisie Adam.

"Avoid the Taskmaster's big ball.

"You must stand on the circle,
but you must not step on any gold.

"You must be facing

"and staring at the Taskmaster sign
at all times

"and after the Taskmaster releases
his big ball,

"you may each take one step.
The first person touched by

"the Taskmaster's big ball
each round is eliminated.

"Last player standing wins."

So, after he releases his ball,
we're allowed one step.

Yeah, one step...each round.
I will...

Can we get undressed?
MAISIE LAUGHS

A little, a little bit.

Erm, why do you
want to get undressed?

So that there's less, like,
stuff to be touched.

Oh, you think this is a game of
millimetres, do you?

Sure. Alex.

Please, take the contestants to
the ball zone.

This way, please.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You can take any spot,
you must be facing that way.

Where's he swinging it from?

Swinging it from here.
Well, yeah.

Wanna be over here then, don't you?

But you must be facing
that Taskmaster sign.

OK clothes off.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Yeah, can we face it like this?

That's side on, that's side on.

You can't... You can't take your eyes
off the Taskmaster sign.

Well, that's fine then.

Here we go. Good luck.

GREG ROARS

Oh, this seems cruel.
Ania standing.

Phil, please, go and sit in
the elimination zone. Phil, everyone.

I mean, that was heroic.

So, Phil is eliminated. OK, right.

Remember, you're looking at
the Taskmaster sign, please.

Yeah, you can dodge and weave,
but you must be standing up.

Good luck, everyone, round two.

Ready?
REECE AND ANIA: Yeah.

GREG ROARS

Oh, there's a step from Ania.

Oh, lovely.
Oh.

Oh. Oh, lovely. Oh.

Reece Shearsmith has gone.

Reece is eliminated. Hand me back
the golden ball.

OK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am about to release the ball.
Oh, my word.

Behold my ungodly strength.
HE ROARS

One step. OK, that's a step from
everyone except for Maisie. Lovely.

Lovely.

Sanjeev is out...and pleased.
Bring me back my ball.

It's horrible, isn't it?
This is it.

Ready.

The strength is unholy.
HE ROARS

Oh, what an angle. One step.

Oh, lovely.
Maisie still has hers.

Eh!

CROWD ROAR
Oh, it's another step.

We've lost Ania.
We've lost Ania.

Maisie is the winner.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's all go down and we'll work out
the final scores.

Oh, that was electric.

Oh. Obviously, we saw
the finalists were Ania and Maisie,

but the five points went
to Maisie in the end.

For standing still.

Well, it means that,
with 20 points today,

our winner is at that end of
the seats. It's Ania Magliano.

Whoa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ania wins.

Please, go up to relish in
your things to ride, or rip.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?

Well, this is a stressful world,
guys. It's full of technology,

industry and noise. It's important
to get away from it all,

head to the glorious,
English countryside,

be at one with nature and just let
the wildlife speak to you.

RECORDING OF MAISIE'S SQUAWK

LAUGHTER

But, now, let's applaud our winner
on the loo, it's Ania Magliano.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media