Original subtitles

Hello. Hello.

So I'm clearing out the crawlspace.

Come across some shit from when you guys were kids

You can fight about the memories.

Awwww.

Holy shit. Okay.

Why in the hell did you and mom let me cut my own hair?

Hey, you were dumb enough to ask,

you were dumb enough to learn.

Lookie here. We have early signs of talent.

Oh, that was grade six. You remember grade six, Todd?

Barely.

Shitting on my head.

You did this in grade six?

It was a, it was a group project, I think.

Most of the stuff in here would get a teacher fired today.

No doubt.

"Todd is inattentive.

"He would have more friends if he stopped picking his scrotum

"and sniffing markers."

Well at least it's not the other way around.

Oh, look at this one. "Self-driven,

"independent thinker.

"A pleasure to teach.

"The world needs more Audreys."

Aren't you perfect?

Born a winner, baby.

Oh. Yeah, Mr. Byrd did not like you.

Fucking prick.

I hate that guy.

Ah, hot damn.

Ms. Walton.

Ooh. - Oh, here we go.

That was your teacher crush.

Crush of all crushes. - I know.

Oh my god. Those tight short skirts

and those long legs?

To this day I still can't walk past a pantyhose aisle

without getting dizzy.

"Todd's not reaching his full potential.

"Struggles with focus. Easily overwhelmed?"

Was I good at anything?

You could run fast.

Help yourself, Dad.

Hey, I'm retired.

"Tends to panic during presentations.

"Needs to work on this,

"especially after the spelling bee incident."

Fuck sakes.

What was the spelling bee incident?

It was nothing. - It was something.

They gave the poor kid the word bologna.

He froze up. He went white as drywall

and crumbled like a cheap sawhorse, didn't ya?

Bologna? It's not even a hard word.

I could spell it now.

I was twelve.

Oh yeah? Okay. Spell it.

Bologna.

B-A...

EH! Already wrong. - It's O. B-O.

It's B-O.

Oh, I hate that word! - It's a big word.

Ooh, look at this one.

"A born leader.

"Audrey could be Prime Minister."

Damn! I peaked early.

Oh, you peaked all right.

Peaked sniffing teachers asses

and polishing apples for extra credit.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is all ancient history.

Come on!

Who wants to peak at eleven anyway?

Hey now. Well, you gotta peak some time. Right Toddy?

Don't worry. There's still hope.

You're not that old.

You're so fucking funny, Auds.

I always thought Ms. Walton was just a flirty lady

who bathed in perfume but now I'm like holy shit,

maybe she actually saw something in me.

Or maybe she wanted fewer parent/teacher meetings.

Well it's kind of wild, right?

I mean, a year ago I was folding jeans at Jean Machine

and now I got a stiletto hammer,

I got apprentices asking me where the good gloves are.

I mean, maybe I'm actually becoming the person

she thought I could be.

Ms. Walton probably still thinks I'm a dumbass.

I bet she tells that fucking spelling bee story all the time.

If she's still alive.

Ever heard of cutting it in half there, dick brain?

Then I'd have to chew twice.

Like why make more work for myself?

Todd. Uh, earplugs, please.

Oh shit. - Let's go.

What's up?

There's been a mercury spill in the river.

Was it us? - I don't know yet

but it's a reminder to produce that community outreach video.

Conch Cares? - Conch Cares.

CornPulse just released a promo called "CornPulse Connects"

and we're getting slaughtered in the PR game.

I don't really know much about making videos.

Do I have to be on camera?

No, you just need to assemble the right people.

You're good at organizing chaos.

It's not really my field of experience.

I'll do it!

Oh yeah. I was head of the AV Club in high school.

She asked me to do it.

I'll do it. - Oh shit. One second.

Todd, I'm the only person that you know

who can make a video like that.

Okay, but you have actual work to do.

What about that?

So change of plans.

Todd, you're with me.

Just got word that the Mercury could be us

so we need to address the media.

Huh?

Isn't that a Head Office problem?

No. It's an Imperial Valley problem

and we're Imperial Valley.

Just don't sweat it.

It'll be a bunch of local reporters

you probably went to high school with.

Okay. But if I help you then who's gonna do the...

The video can wait

Or I can start right now. - Wow.

Look at your initiative. - Yeah.

All right, Audrey. It's yours. What do you need?

Nothing.

Tanner, you're my guy.

He just got a new phone.

Come here.

Sorry. What am I doing? - Get over here.

What did she mean by 'address the media'?

Don't worry. You're gonna kill the questions.

There's gonna be questions?!

Whoa! Whoa!

Fuck man!

You just turned my sandwich into a panini, man.

Thanks guy, bro.

What a fucking day.

Okay, we're looking at fast cuts, real people.

I want it to feel sexy.

This isn't gonna be some fucking lameass corporate video

where some lazy-eyed asshole drools into the camera.

Okay? We are going to tell people a story.

We are taking them on a journey to the soul of this place.

They're gonna laugh. - Sure.

They're gonna cry.

Let's show the world what Conch is really about.

Okay. Uh, is this the part where I, uh, pretend where I know

what I'm doing until someone yells at me?

Yep. That someone will be me.

Wonderful. Yeah.

Get your camera.

Let's get this over with.

Ah geez.

It's fucking huge.

Yeah, that doesn't look great.

Yeah, thing's got its own tide.

That's not a blob, that's a biome.

I just finished the test.

Yeah?

Sorry. This is above my pay grade.

Oh, that's great. Envirovestigate is quitting.

My wife and I are planning on having kids.

I'd like them to come out symmetrical.

Pussy! - Homer...

What? I'm union. I'm not polite.

Yo. Are we fucked?

Yep. Royally.

It's like the cum-ness monster in there.

Look at that thing.

Please have some good news.

Oh hey.

Afraid not. It's definitely us.

It's got Conch's signature runoff:

Mercury, lead,

and a very familiar amount of negligence.

Todd, we had a chat and the media contact?

It's you.

You're the guy.

What? Not on my own. No, no, no, no, no.

You love this kind of thing.

You used to vlog your hangovers.

You've spoke in front of thousands of people

on your flare stack world tour.

Come on.

I'm the solutions guy and we have a solution.

You need to stall until we, uh, find one

that I can take full credit for.

What about you, Chels? Your Site Manager.

No, we need someone who can speak small town,

someone who can talk to that guy.

Who? Fucking beardo?

Now listen, this is our window.

We say nothing,

we look like we're hiding something,

But I don't know what to say or how to say it.

You do not want me riffing up there,

trust me.

Correct, which is why I'm gonna write you a script.

Talking points. Sound bites. - I don't like this.

Couple of jokes if the vibe feels right.

You'll do great.

We got you, buddy. - Okay?

Okay.

Stick with me.

Get our first subject.

Somebody good.

Oh yes.

There's so much we can fit in here.

Get your camera.

All right, keep it coming.

Roach.

Video time, guys. - What a score. Yes!

What the fuck are you guys doing?

Yeah, what are you doing, man?

You shouldn't be doing that.

Pass me a plate, man.

I'm not a plumber.

What? - Taser.

What? Oh hey. Uh...

Nothing. I own these.

Um, I haven't asked you anything yet but okay.

Here we go.

Describe the Conch experience in one word.

Gone.

Ow! Jesus, Roach!

The fuck?

Where you going?

Gotta take a shit. - There he goes.

Fuck was that? All right.

Let's go get Roach. Maybe he'll be better.

I doubt it.

Hey Roach. Quick interview.

Okay, just don't smoke on camera.

Okay. What has Conch done for the community?

I get free drugs and my teeth cleaned.

What? How does that relate to the community?

Uh, the pharmacy guy

and the teeth doctor get our businesses right? So...

Alright, finish my sentence.

"For some it's a job.

"For others it's a..."

Job. Am I right?

Thanks for nothing, Roach.

Told ya.

Beauty. That went really great.

Get your own Morning After pill.

What do I look like? The school nurse?

Oh my god, Stephie. I'm so glad to see you,

Honey.

It is so difficult working with people

who don't take you seriously.

I am trying to make art.

You get me?

Hmm.

You got a beautiful face.

Will you please give me some star power?

Aww. You think you can handle the wattage?

Let's find out.

Roll the cam.

Words of wisdom for the Conch Cares video.

Get yourself a tetanus shot.

And don't fall off the flare stack.

Anything a little bit, I don't know, warmer?

I got work to do here.

Don't sleep with Backwoods.

Fuck off! - Ho-ho!

Gimme this. - Did you hear what she just-

Gimme this!

Okay, repeat after me.

"I feel at home at Conch."

I feel at home at Conch.

That's perfect if we're making a horror film but we're,

we're not trying to terrify people,

we're trying to excite them.

Right.

I'm gonna shout out some emotions

and you infuse the words with the vibe. Okay?

Got it. Yeah. Okay. - Okay.

Happy.

I feel at home at Conch.

Okay. Sexy.

I feel at home at Conch.

Jesus.

I feel at home... at Conch? - Hey, they're filming in here.

Just act natural. - No, no, no.

That's not what meant. - Your video sucks.

Yeah, man. What are you, like, Oliver Stoner?

Fuck off, guys.

Alfred Spliffcock?

Hey, did you guys sign those out?

Twice, man.

I keel at phome at Honk.

Fuck my life.

Here. Just fucking take this.

We're done here.

Use your 'we fucked up' voice

and try to cry if you can.

I wrote some good shit.

Let's go

Okay. Here we go.

Okay. Hey. Hi. Hey hi ho.

Get to the cue cards!

Um, our commitment to...

What the fuck is this?

Come on, Todd.

You can't fucking read now?

What are these words?

Like, it's hard to read. Who wrote this?

I was in a rush!

Fucking read it!

We here at Crotch...

Conch.

Did he say crotch? - Conch.

You ever stare at a word too long

and it stops looking like a word, everyone?

No.

Uh, Conch?

Is that even how it's spelled?

It's not a spelling contest.

Just read it. - Move on.

Anyway, there's a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo

in these notes. Uh...

Carbon trails.

Don't skip that.

River acidity.

Are you kidding me, Todd?

Fuck me.

You know what? I left my science brain in the truck.

What's he doing? What's he doing?

So if you're worried... - We're fucked.

Don't be. I mean, this is basically like...

Three Mile Island or... - Oh wow.

Fukushima or, you know, the...

I didn't write that.

The Exxon Valdez,

which turned out okay.

And none of those places complained.

They didn't bitch about a little radiation or glowing otters.

And, you know, they didn't stop having kids.

Hell no!

They probably had more kids

because they couldn't go outside.

Now that's a theory.

Jesus Christ.

Well I guess that's gonna be, uh, about it for me.

I'm gonna wrap it up...

Wrap it up!

In a sandwich. - Medhi you're up.

Pull him out.

Bologna?

Medhi.

B-A-L...

Wah!

Todd! - Todd!

That's not what I wrote!

Blood sugar. Blood sugar issue.

He'll be fine.

Pulse. Pulse. Check his pulse.

Hey bro! - Jesus.

There he is.

Do you have five minutes for my Conch Cares promo piece?

Auds, I need silence and another drinking box.

Come on, Todd.

Everyone else is fucking treating this like a joke.

They're disrespecting me and my crew.

I need you.

Your crew?

Isn't it just you and mini tripod over here

with a fucking cellphone?

Hey, I'm five-five.

Sure you are. - Fuck.

Fine. You got five.

Perfect.

This is General Foreman Todd Stool.

He's also my brother.

That's right. At Conch,

we're one big, shiny family.

Some of us are shinier than others.

And how would you describe this family, Todd?

Oh, I don't know.

Dysfunctional.

A bunch of peer pressuring pricks.

Fuck you, man.

Are you trying to fucking tank this?

Jesus, I thought I could count on you.

Oh, come on, Auds.

You hijacked the assignment

and now I'm the asshole 'cause I don't wanna smile through it?

I didn't hijack the assignment.

Chelsea gave it to me because I'm the only one around here

who gives a shit.

Well maybe if he gave less of a shit about being a star

and more about being part of a team,

the crew wouldn't treat your passion project like a joke.

Should I still be filming this?

Yes! - No!

Okay. - Jesus, Todd,

you've been grumpy since middle school.

At least I didn't peak in middle school.

Well, talent never dies.

Neither does herpes, Auds.

Doesn't mean we make a film about it.

Hey. Sorry, Auds.

You can finish this later.

Lemme guess, sibling rivalry?

Help me.

Okay, table it.

All right. Onto the next.

Come with me.

How ya doing? Your head okay?

I'm okay. - Okay, good.

Listen, we're pulling you from the media scrum.

We can't have our GF blacking out on camera again.

It just looks a little bad for the, you know, everything.

All right? Okay.

Got it.

Ms. Conch, you look amazing today!

Do you have time for a quick interview?

No, no, no, no. No time.

Just a quick conversation.

I said no.

We just need one sound bite.

No! No time.

There she goes. - Shit!

Is this a janitor's closet?

Oh yeah, it's a closet.

She's so fucking nuts.

Okay, um, through the door then.

Can you tell me a little bit about Conch caring

from the family perspective?

Oh my fucking god!

There's a bird in this closet!

Bird in that closet?

No, there's no bird in the closet.

Never mind. It was,

it was a feather duster.

Uh, anyway,

Granddaddy Conch built an empire less on caring,

more on rules, silence and fear.

You know, classic founding father shit.

Okay, just one more question before you go.

No, no, no, no.

I have to go damage control

your brother's fainting spell.

What?

Oh fuck.

That's why Todd was freaking out.

I thought he was just being Todd.

Yeah, you were being kind of a dick.

I was? - Yeah.

Are you zooming in on me?

Stop that! Come on.

All right, go, go, go, go.

Well, what a turnout.

Hot damn.

Guys, I have some really good news.

At Conch,

we are in a true partnership with Mother Nature, right?

I mean, that old gal can flood a town and what do we do?

We pivot.

When we leak an itty-bitty amount of mercury

into the river,

she just, I don't know,

hides it in fishes or something, right?

Oh, no, no, no.

She keeps making it sound like no big deal.

They'll think we're burying barrels.

Oh, she keeps talking at all.

we'll be burying the company.

You fell down again, huh?

I might have, a little.

Seems like I'm still a fucking fuck up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You remember your Uncle Jerry?

Like your brother?

Yeah. You remember when you were thirteen

and you helped him after he crashed his sea-doo

into his ex-wife's pool?

I remember him being fucking wasted.

And he thought he was at the marina.

That's the day. That's the day.

That night he phoned me and he says to me,

"Todd's my guy.

"Todd's the kind of kid who's ready to help out.

"If I ever killed somebody,

"Todd would be the first one there with shovels and snacks."

You don't judge. You just show up

and you do your best when you're there,

whether it's helping your drunk Uncle Jerry in a sea-doo

out of a pool or comforting your community

after an environmental disaster.

You're there.

Mother Nature...

Thanks, Dad.

Hell no, she doesn't.

She just crashes right on in uninvited.

like my Aunt Marilyn half drunk on some cheap ass rose.

She's killing us. Let me fix this.

That ship capsized, no offence.

I know but I want another shot.

I've been fainting in front of public crowds

since grade six.

Like I'm due for a win.

Well hopefully the podium comes with a handrail this time.

Medhi.

If you're getting back up there,

we spin this.

You don't apologize.

Anthropomorphize it.

Toxic spills don't sell but Blobby the Safety Sludge?

That's a brand.

Give him a jingle, you know?

I'm serious.

Smokey the bear.

Pillsbury Doughboy.

It could be like the Michelin Man meets Slimer.

People love a weird little creep with a smile.

Well, anything's better than this shit show.

Attaboy.

How 'bout you drink some of the water?

Well I would but I am doing an intermittent fasting,

so, uh, no liquids until sundown.

We need clean water and a real apology!

Yeah. Come on!

It's a complicated issue.

Okay.

What the fuck are you doing up here?

I got this.

Okay. - You suck!

We're gonna fix this,

not with bullshit, with work.

And maybe sandbags, I don't know yet.

What?

You know what? Fuck this.

Follow me.

What are we... uh, Todd?

What's?

Follow him!

Let's go!

Follow the man with the podium.

Coming through.

Follow me. Let's go.

You want me to drink the water?

I'll drink the fucking water.

Anybody have a container or glass to put some water in?

Anybody?

Thanks, Conchie.

Oh, what's he doing?

Go Todd.

Ugh.

Mmm.

Why don't you drink the whole thing?

Not just a sip.

Let's see it.

Ewwww.

If it's safe, drink it.

That's it. Keep it down.

Keep it down. You got it.

CH-CH-CHUGG IT!

Every last drop.

Holy fuck! Not bad.

Well done.

We all...

Oh Jesus.

Wait.

The mercury is speaking.

We all grew up on this river.

We fished in it.

We swam in it.

We probably swallowed some of it.

And yeah, I mean, it's full of mercury now

but so are most of us.

When I was in elementary school,

I broke a thermometer open and I touched the mercury.

I thought it was cool. - He did.

And fuck it. Full disclosure?

I licked it on a dare.

And then I licked it again for attention.

Attaboy, Todd.

And I turned out mostly normal.

The thing is, most of us have stories like that.

We're all still here, we're all still weird

and we're all pretty much normal.

I'm not saying it's good

but to pretend it didn't happen isn't gonna fix it.

We all released our pet goldfish in this water.

Take a look at these.

Half my chompers are mercury.

I lit a jar of this water on fire to impress my girlfriend.

Now she's my wife!

Todd Stool leading by example,

which in this case means drinking contaminated water

on camera.

He's also my brother.

You got this, bro.

Here's the thing.

If we're stuck with this blob,

let's own it.

Let's make it our own.

I say we name the fucking thing.

Yeah! - Yeah.

All right. Globby. That's a friendly name.

Nice, Dad.

How 'bout, uh, Lil' Spilly?

Uh...

Mercules!

Come on, yes.

Just spitballing here.

What about Blob Gnarly?

That's good.

Huh?

Lil' Spilly's just a misunderstood puddle.

All right, I think we have a winner.

What?! Oh my gosh!

Society made him toxic.

I want royalties. - Uncultured swine.

I guess this is what peaking feels like.

Somewhere out there is Blob Gnarly.

Good job.

You stayed upright. You didn't shit yourself.

That's growth.

Do you have an extra pair of pants?

Kidding.

You'd smell it obviously.

Oh I know.

With you trades guys it's always about shit and piss

and the occasional cock.

Hey Todd.

Um, still need to make my video

except none of the guys will play ball.

Half of them think that I'm filming a prank show.

I'm their boss. I can make them dance.

Let's show everybody that we're functional.

Awww.

You do care.

No. But I can fake it for five minutes.

Cool. That's six more than usual.

Okay.

Into the camera.

And action.

Yeah, well my old man worked here and, uh, now I do

and hopefully my son after me.

It's, uh, it's not always easy

but when you're in a jam people show up.

Nice.

And it's a job where I can be unapologetically weird

and get paid.

The big bucks.

Not a bad deal.

One of a kind, Dewey.

I care about the lunch truck.

Okay. And that's...

that's all that you wanna say for the video?

What video?

Fuck, Roach.

Conch has covered me through, uh, two divorces,

four injuries and one surprise custody hearing.

Awwww.

That's important. - Okay.

Well, if you need a nail gun or an alibi,

someone's got you.

Conch isn't a perfect place

but when the shit hits the fan,

people show up.

They care about the work, the town and each other.

It's not some corporate mission statement,

it's just how it is.

Yeah. You get the picture.

T-shirts, hats, hoodies.

All proceeds go to the cleanup or sandbags or whatever helps.

We made this mess and we'll deal with it because...

Conch Cares.

Okay. Well I guess you're not a complete failure.

Oh, high praise from a guy who headbutted a podium

on live TV.

And who had the brilliant idea of letting the town

name a toxic blob.

I mean, that was Homer's idea but...

who's counting?

You know, I never gave a damn about your report cards.

I didn't need any teacher to tell me who my kids were.

You came out strong. You came out smart.

You came out mine.

Oh just so you know, that sexy crush of yours, Ms. Walton?

Yeah?

She was a box wine drunk.

Really?

And I should know.

I banged her.

Whoa. - What?

It was the only A I ever got.

Ew, guys.

I'm so jealous.

♪ There ain't no "Sunday Best" in my bottom drawer

♪ Sunday morning I recover from the night before

♪ And these fists have thrown a punch or two

♪ But if you don't cross me, I won't cross you ♪

♪ And if you'd lived my life you would understand ♪

Honestly, the most frequent thing that happens here

in terms of safety is, like, dudes getting their dicks

caught in their zippers

and I don't go into the bathroom for that.

I send Homer in.

He likes it.

The mercury blob will be contained.

This is not our first rodeo.

I mean, it is our, our first rodeo.

It's just not the first rodeo...

There are plenty of rodeos out there.

It, it's, it's happened before.

The point is, the technology is there.

We will clean it up.

Things will be fine. Life will go on.

All right? We done?

Okay. We're totally fucked.

♪ And if you'd lived my life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend of the workin' man ♪

♪ And if you'd lived my life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend of the workin' man ♪

♪ And if you'd lived my life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend of the workin' man

♪ Said the Lord might take you by the hand

♪ He ain't gonna take us to the promised land

♪ And if you'd lived my life you would understand

♪ The Devil is a friend of the workin' man ♪