Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: The moment I walked out of headquarters and started across the street,

I knew that something was wrong.

Even the simple act of getting on an elevator

gave me a peculiar sensation.

For some strange reason, I didn't feel quite right.

It even got so I was afraid to smoke one of my favorite after-dinner cigars

for fear, you know, it would explode.

(EXPLOSION)

So I stuck to my trusty old pipe.

I finally decided to see a psychiatrist.

Tell me, what seems to be troubling you?

I'm beginning to suspect that I might be accident prone.

(WHIZZING)

Oh, yes, you do have a problem.

INSPECTOR: As I was saying, Doctor, I need help.

INSPECTOR: After two weeks and 5,000 francs the doctor reached a conclusion.

Someone is trying to get rid of you.

INSPECTOR: What a relief it was to have the mystery solved.

I felt free as a bird in flight.

(CHUCKLING)

INSPECTOR: Suddenly, everything came into focus.

The priceless Du Barry diamond was to be exhibited publicly

and the jewel thieves were in Paris to steal it.

I alone knew where the diamond was hidden

and I was keeping it under my hat.

They knew the only way they could get that diamond

would be over my dead body.

I kept my eyes, my ears, open.

As a precaution, I rented a mine detector

to check out my pad, you know, for a booby trap.

(BEEPING)

Just as I suspected.

INSPECTOR: I was pleasantly surprised, you know,

when I learned that the famous movie star,

Melody Mercurochrome and her maid

were in the room next to mine.

I decided to get acquainted.

Stealing the diamond will be a cinch,

but first we must get rid of that stupid copper.

(RINGING)

Hello.

Good morning, beautiful neighbor.

How about joining me for a candlelight dinner for two, eh?

I'll be right over. We'll split a pizza together.

Now, go get him. You know what to do.

Don't worry, darling, I will finish him off.

Pizza? Where do I find a pizza in Paris?

Pizza! Pizza!

Get your red-hot pizza here.

What a coincidence.

A strolling pizzeria.

Pizza!

Fill it up, mamma mia, and keep the change.

(SINGING)

(EXCLAIMS)

You... You bumbling fool.

You goofed up the job.

Now, I want him out of the way before morning.

Oui, all right, Melody, you are the boss.

I could work much better if I didn't have to wear this maid outfit.

Time is running out. We must destroy him at once!

Don't panic, I'm going to give him the bird.

(CHUCKLING)

It's a mechanical homing pigeon that lays golden bombs.

I simply press this button,

and off he goes, right on target.

Well, I don't hear no boom-booms.

Don't worry, you will.

(SIRENS WAILING)

INSPECTOR: Well, the thieves blew the job, right there.

The next day, I delivered the diamond right on schedule.

Good morning, sir. It was a frightening experience,

but here is the diamond, safe and sound.

Thank you, Inspector, but I had the real diamond all the time.

Yours was a fake.

(GIGGLING)

I hope that your feelings aren't hurt.

Oh, no, of course not.

As a matter of fact, I have a little gift for you,

a golden pigeon egg.

How interesting.

(EXPLOSION)

I hope that your feelings aren't hurt.

Every feeling in my body hurts.