Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: The entire affair began when Sergeant Deux-Deux and I

were assigned to apprehend a notorious pickpocket known as Spider Pierre.

This disreputable bistro is one of Spider Pierre's favorite haunts.

I believe I could trap him if I had some money to flash around in there, you know.

Deux-Deux, dear boy, how much money do you have?

I don't got any money, Inspector.

You haven't, eh?

Well, what do you call this, eh?

(STAMMERING) But, Inspector, you can't take this money.

I just want to borrow 1,000 francs. What's the matter? Don't you trust me?

Sí, I do trust you.

But I got to told you about these pesos.

Not pesos, francs.

You're welcome.

A snifter of Bottom ale please, and be quick about it.

As you can see, I have plenty of money to pay for it.

(AGREES IN FRENCH)

I always demand the best of service, which I can easily afford.

My wallet is so full of money.

Hurry up! What's keeping you?

A rich person like me doesn't have all day, you know.

Well, it's about time. Another minute and you'll have gotten no tip.

That will be 15 somethings, monsieur.

Something is wrong, monsieur?

Yes. I've been robbed.

Just as I thought, a deadbeat!

(CRASHING)

What happened, Inspector?

My pocket was picked.

That dirty wallet-plucking-pocket-picker!

Deux-Deux, loan me another 1,000 francs to flash around.

But, Inspector, you shouldn't take the...

That's an order, Sergeant! Now hand it over.

But this money is not the...

No argument, please.

Now synchronize your watch.

Sí.

What's the trouble?

It won't synchronize.

You idiot, you. It has to be synchronized with my watch.

What's the matter, Inspector?

My watch is gone.

Also my badge, my wallet, my comb, my Diners Card,

my fountain pen and my mother's picture.

We're not dealing with a pickpocket, we're dealing with a vacuum cleaner.

INSPECTOR: We spotted the Spider running into an alleyway and we gave chase.

(SIREN WAILING)

I guess I will have to use my Spider-Webley special.

(SIREN WAILING)

Au revoir, copper.

(CRASHING)

Sergeant, get out and see who ran into us.

Holy frijoles.

Hey, Inspector, get an eyeful of the Eiffel.

Boy, is it awful.

INSPECTOR: It didn't take me long to get back on the Spider's trail.

This insolent Spider fellow was beginning to try my patience.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, yes, I would.

Sergeant, call an ambulance.

(CRASHING)

(RUMBLING)

I don't understand him.

If he wants an ambulance, why he take the subway?

You criminal, you! I'll show you that you cannot break the law!

Make a note of that, Deux-Deux, he's also breaking the law of gravity.

All right, Spider, I'm coming up to get you.

I warn you, this is your final chance! You better surrender.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

You peeping Tom!

You want some more?

Well, that's police biz for you.

It's got its ups and downs.

Okay now, Señor Spider,

you better give it up, or I'm going to let you have it.

He is going to let me have it?

(CHOKING)

Hey, Inspector, I think he's got the DDT's.

INSPECTOR: Soon after that, the steel doors of prison closed upon Spider Pierre.

Unfortunately, they closed upon me also.

That stupid Sergeant Deux-Deux had loaned me his child's play money,

and I was up on a counterfeit rap.

However, when I get out I've decided to go straight.

Straight to Sergeant Deux-Deux's house and clobber him.