Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: I remember when the whole affair began.

Sergeant Deux-Deux and I were having lunch together.

That sandwich sounds delicious.

It's my favorite.

How about trading a peanut butter sandwich for one of yours?

No, thank you. I don't like buttered peanuts.

That's an order, Sergeant. Now hand it over, please.

Sí, Inspector.

It's good, huh, Inspector?

(COUGHING)

What was it?

It's Tabasco, chili peppers and garlic butter.

COMMISSIONER: Attention, Car 13.

This is the Commissioner speaking.

Yeah, we read you, sir.

Be on the lookout for a yellow sedan driven by a man called X.

And stop eating garlic!

Yes, sir.

There goes X now. After him.

INSPECTOR: (LAUGHING) Oh, what nasty luck.

A fog bank. We'll never catch him now.

(DEUX-DEUX LAUGHING)

- Can you see the road? - I can't see anything.

Well, you better slow down. We're liable to hit something.

(DEUX-DEUX LAUGHING)

What's so funny, Deux-Deux?

I think I broke my back.

You think that's funny?

I... I fractured my leg.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Does that hurt?

Of course, the pain is unbearable.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

INSPECTOR: Like all fugitives, Mr. X was constantly on the move.

So I decided that the best way to effect his capture

was to take him by surprise.

Thrusting this minor setback aside, I began planning my next move.

Egypt was warm for that time of year,

but things were going to get even warmer for Mr. X.

I suggest you surrender by the time I count to three,

or your bones will bleach under the Sahara sun.

One, two... Three...

INSPECTOR: For two days, we doggedly trailed X

through the worst sandstorm in Sahara 's history.

Hey, Inspector, can we stop for a minute?

What for?

I got sand in my shoe.

INSPECTOR: We tracked the elusive X up the snowy slopes of Kilimanjaro.

I think I got chilblains all over my foot.

Well, can you think of a better place to have them?

Sí, on your foot, Inspector.

Now you've trapped yourself, X. You've got no place to go but down.

That poor devil, he's taken the quick way out.

Why, that treacherous swine.

If I had my hands on him, I'd...

(EXCLAIMING)

You got your hands on me. Let go.

Remember, we're in this together.

I wish I was home in bed.

Good thinking, Deux-Deux, you've just saved us from a rather nasty situation.

I think we got another nasty situation in this tent with us.

(YOWLING)

Are you okay, Inspector?

Of course I'm all right, except for a scratch or two.

Holy frijoles.

I hate to see a man go to pieces like that.

INSPECTOR: After many unsuccessful attempts to capture the elusive Mr. X,

we admitted defeat and returned to Headquarters.

So, you did not get him, eh?

Well, gentlemen, I have a little surprise for you.

Let me introduce you to Monsieur X, alias Captain Dumont,

our new physical training instructor.

Oh, that was a good workout we had, eh?

Now, how about some calisthenics, the only way to keep physically fit?

Work out? Why, you...

(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)

What's come over him?

Oh, he's just having a physical fit.