Original subtitles

INSPECTOR: The De Gaulle chateau was undergoing its annual spring cleaning,

an event which presented its annual problem

of guarding the family jewel against theft.

What do you think of it, Inspector?

Well, it's obviously a cheap grade of glass.

Why don't you try looking through the eyepiece instead of the diamond?

Oh, yes, I can see better now. That's very expensive. Yes, of course.

The De Gaulle stone is worth exactly 10 billion francs.

It is your responsibility to guard it for 24 hours.

Lose it and you will pay for it.

Well, in that case, I simply shall double the standard security measures.

Deux-Deux? Deux-Deux, I want you to process this jewel through identification

and check it for fingerprints. Good boy, Deux-Deux.

- You called me, Inspector? - Yes, Deux-Deux.

I could never understand how he got into the French Police Force.

Give me the jewel, please.

What jewel? I don't have no jewel.

The one that I placed in your black-gloved hand a moment ago.

Please, Deux-Deux.

But, señor, I am wearing the white gloves.

COMMISSIONER: In the name of Josephine, get that stone back here!

- I'm Weft! - I'm Wight.

I'm Wong!

Swiping the diamond from police headquarters

was really using our heads.

What do you mean "we"? It was my head we used.

You always think you're the head with the brain.

- I'm not a three-time loser like you. - Please, gentlemen! Confusion say,

"Three head not always better than one."

BOTH: Shut up!

Truth will always out. Cannot cover up.

(WONG EXCLAIMING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Quick, get in the mazzi-mobile!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Halt! Halt, you...

- Quick, follow that mazzi-mobile. - Sí.

- Come back, imbecile! - Sí.

- You may turn in your police card. - Sí.

And don't say "Sí, " say "Oui."

Sí. I mean, oui.

I don't know what I mean. I wanna go home.

(BELL CLANGING)

The Inspector is on our trail.

Let him have it.

He's still following us.

Open bomb bays.

Bombs away!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Grab a cloud, you sneaks, you.

(CRASHING)

(CURSING IN FRENCH)

That brings the total to 55 billion francs!

Plus one antique desk!

- Come on, Wong. Let's see the jewel. - Don't lush me!

- What do you mean, "Uh-oh"? - I just make discovery!

We have hole in our pocket!

(WONG EXCLAIMING)

Fortunately for your career, we found the diamond.

Do you think you can keep your eye on it

for the remaining 23 and one half hours?

This way we don't get parking ticket!

- Confusion say... - WEFT AND WIGHT: Shut up!

This time I put the diamond in my own safe for safe-keeping.

Halt, halt, you insidious blackguard, you!

Halt, halt, in the name of the law.

(YELLING)

(CRASHING)

INSPECTOR: I trailed my quarry to a disreputable hotel on the Left Bank.

- Deux-Deux? - Sí.

You guard the stairs while I take the elevator.

INSPECTOR: I kept their hotel room under surveillance.

(GUN FIRES)

All right, you treacherous swine, I warn you,

I can see every move that you make.

Deux-Deux, come here, dear boy.

What do you see when you look through this keyhole?

(EXCLAIMING IN SPANISH)

Control yourself, Deux-Deux, that's enough. Away, away.

Holy... Look at that, I never seen it like that something.

All right, come out of there, or I'll shoot by the time I count to three.

One, two, three!

(GUN FIRES)

INSPECTOR: A t last I closed in on the Mazzarelli's hideout and surrounded it.

The Cossacks! Let's beat it!

Well, we can't get caught with a hot diamond on us.

Confusion always say,

"Place for hot ice is in glass of cool water."

Observe. Diamond enjoy welcome incognito.

Don't move.

(INSPECTOR LAUGHS)

All right, men, spread out and search these premises.

And also the grounds.

What's this? Ice water. What do you know about that, eh?

Well, I hereby confiscate this ice water in the name of thirst.

(CHOKING)

A very expensive-looking gallstone.

Here, nurse, send this to the lab for a biopsy.

INSPECTOR: So, you see, whenever I think of the De Gaulle case,

it brings back tender memories to me.

(EXCLAIMS)