Original subtitles

Tonight at ten, we're at Westminster, where MPs have approved

the first December general election since 1923.

They hailed it as the election of a lifetime -

a couple of years after the other one they called

an election of a lifetime.

Which means they're probably not talking about a human lifetime,

but a mealworm or something like that,

which is stupid because everyone knows mealworms can't vote.

They can't hold a pencil.

Early on, Corbyn and Johnson had to go on this sort of game show

where Boris had to mention Brexit as often as possible,

and Jeremy had to pretend he hadn't heard him.

Neither of them looked very statesman-like.

Corbyn had these off-putting glasses, and Johnson was like

a failed reboot of the Honey Monster making a court appearance.

It was like a Mock The Week special where they kept getting laughs

with their material, but by accident.

Does the truth matter in this election?

I think it does. And I think...

LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE ..and I think it very important.

While the debate was on, the Tories changed their Twitter name

to "factcheckUK", so they looked like an independent

fact-checking service.

They got shit for that, but to be fair

it only fooled everyone who saw it.

The Tories had this simple slogan they kept saying over

and over again...

Get Brexit done.

Get Brexit done.

Get Brexit done!

..which meant you knew who to vote for if you wanted

to get Brexit gone.

People said Jeremy Corbyn's Brexit position was hard to understand,

just cos it couldn't be summed up in a snappy sound bite

or a short book.

But it was really simple.

He said he'd negotiate a new deal then put that to the public

in a referendum, which he'd be neutral about.

Then he'd subtract the deal you've first thought of,

fold the result in half and multiply it by the Jews.

What's the problem?

There were lots of people talking about tactical voting.

To vote tactically, you had to ignore who you wanted to vote for

and instead vote Lib Dem, which is short for the Liberal Dems.

They're this sort of middle filler party that used to be run by

the world's oldest Doctor Who, Winch Cable, until

he regenerated into this Girl Guide leader called Jo from Swindon.

The Tories had the right-wing press on their side,

but Jeremy Corbyn had Momentum behind him,

which was ironic.

Then the Chief Rabbi said the Labour Party had a serious problem

with anti-cementism, and the next day Corbyn was interviewed

by Andrew Neil, and he didn't say sorry once.

Or twice.

Or at all.

Boris Johnson was supposed to be interviewed too,

but when he saw what Andrew Neil had done to Corbyn,

he must've shat his own arse up his back,

because suddenly he was too busy doing other things.

Boris avoided everyone.

He dodged Jeremy Vine in the big Channel 4 weather chat,

and when Good Morning Britain asked him to speak to Piers Morgan,

he was so desperate to get away he hid in a big fridge...

He's been taken inside, into the freezer.

You've gone into the fridge. Excuse me.

..which is the most relatable thing he's ever done.

To be fair, he was being furiously held to account by the press -

you only had to glance at the front pages to see that.

And he was brave enough to appear on This Morning, which is

a notoriously hostile environment.

For Amanda Holden.

One morning, a reporter tracked Boris down and asked him

to look at this shocking photo of a boy sleeping on a hospital floor.

But when confronted with this image by an ITV reporter today,

the Prime Minister at first refused to even look at it.

It's not fair to expect Boris to focus on an interview with

a suffering child directly in his field of vision.

He might be overcome with emotion and just start laughing.

So he did the decent thing and nicked the reporter's phone.

Anyway, in the last few days the polls tightened,

and Labour and the Tories were neck and neck.

Apart from the huge gap between them.

Boris Johnson leads the Conservatives to a resounding

election victory.

When the result came in, it was a landslide.

The Tories won seats in places they'd never even heard of

and probably hadn't even stood in.

It was clear everyone in Great Britain had voted Tory -

unless you count Scotland,

which we probably won't have to much longer.

People said Corbyn couldn't win an election if he tried,

which wasn't completely fair,

because it turned out he couldn't win two elections if he tried.

I will not lead the party in any future general election campaign.

Corbyn said he'll step down next year.

He'll probably go back to his allotment,

and alienate some sprouts.

Then Boris stood outside his palace and said he wanted

everyone in Britain to forget their differences and come together -

be they Leaver or Remainer,

letterbox or bumboy.

I urge everyone to find closure and to let the healing begin.

It's a lot of power for someone like him, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

He'll probably look after us

like we were his own children.