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One of my favourite movie moments of 2019

was when they remade the Lion King,

because they got rid of those stupid cartoon drawings everybody

hated so much in the first one and did it properly, using real lions.

It was really impressive. If you think about how long it takes

to do a David Attenborough,

where the cameraman has to hide in a bush for two years just to

film a chinchilla having a shit,

to have to wait until the lions were

doing the exact same thing as the cartoon lions,

in the original,

like, a shot for shot remake,

must have taken forever.

I mean, the chances of getting even one shot are remote.

Some people said it wasn't very good

because they couldn't tell one lion from another...

..which is sort of lion racism, really.

And they complained the real lions

weren't as expressive as the cartoon lions.

But that's not the real lions' fault.

For one thing, they've never been to acting school.

They're just not given those opportunities,

and, for another thing, that's just how lions' faces work.

They don't have emotion muscles and anyway,

they made up for it with all their lovely singing.

# Hakuna Matata Hakuna, matata, hakuna, matata... #

The thing is, it looked like actual footage but apparently

they did a lot of it with CGI, which is an even more amazing achievement.

I don't envy you ever having to squeeze all the real lions

into those bright green leotards with ping-pong balls all over them.

All the animals in it look totally real,

except they don't have bumholes,

so when they eat food, they can't get it out afterwards.

They must just keep swelling and swelling until they burst,

all up the walls of that computer universe they're in.

The good thing is that now we've got backup copies of all these animals,

so when the environment goes to shit

and all the real ones die, we can still go to the zoo in VR.

Literally, the only difference is going to be the bumholes.

And I can live with that.

Quintin Cappuccino made a new version of that film he does.

It was called "ONSE Upon a Time in Hollywood."

It was based around the Manson killings

which was this genuine tragedy in America

where a load of people were murdered by these mad hippies on LSD.

And it explored that by concentrating on two blokes

who weren't there and didn't exist.

One of the murder victims was Sharon Tate.

It really brought her life back to life.

Like, you saw how she might have gone shopping, or sort

of walked about, or lived next door to these two more interesting men.

Before the film, I didn't know anything about Sharon Tate,

but afterwards, I knew even less, which is good

because it means it kept a respectful distance.

You know, leave Sharon Tate alone.

She is dead, except in this, where she's still alive,

just standing around looking pretty in the background,

not really saying much.

Which is what she would have wanted.

Well, it might be. We'll never know.

So it might as well be what she would have wanted.

And then, at least she's still working.

Some people got upset because Sharon Tate doesn't get much dialogue.

But there's others who have a worse time.

Like, even though the whole thing was Charles Manson's idea,

he's totally overlooked.

He's in one scene and he has about two lines,

so, he's the real victim here!

WILD CACKLING

There was this sort of film thing called Joker.

It was like a dark origin story about the actual

joker off of playing cards.

That's the one card no-one wants.

No-one even plays with it, which is

probably why he fell all left behind and angry, so in many ways,

it was like a sort of dark reboot of Play Your Cards Right

but with Robert De Niro instead of Bruce Forsyth.

It's actually set about 40 years ago

before superhero movies were popular,

which is why no-one in it has heard of the Joker yet.

It's quite controversial.

Like, Joaquin Phoenix is totally appropriating clown culture in it.

There's whole scenes where he's in whiteface.

I mean, I know it was a different time when they shot it,

in 1981, but he must be mortified it's resurfaced now.

He'll probably never get cast in anything ever again.

TV HOST: The film contains brutal violence and overall bad vibes.

Even though it's sort of a superhero film with a clown in it,

it's not for kids.

I mean, if I wanted my kids to watch one man's painful descent

into total grinding despair, I'd still be living at home.

Just before the film came out, the news in America was

full of these concerned reports read out by frowning, handsome

people going on and on about how it might inspire a massacre.

A bit like they secretly wanted that to happen.

Tonight, amid concern that the new Joker movie could be

used as an excuse for a mass shooting...

To be fair, in America, you don't

have to go to the movies to see a mass shooting anyway.

You can just look out the window or go to a shopping mall

or a school or a church or a restaurant or to your own workplace,

or a nightclub, or an ice rink.

Actually, have they done one in a ice rink yet?

You could just keep me saying that in anyway...

..because they will have by the time this goes out.