Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

Hi. Morning, Martin. Hi, hi. Morning, everyone.

In the past, politicians had to pretend to be nice

and friendly, like an eerie neighbour who just wants to

talk, but now they've learnt they don't have to be nice at all.

Some of them overdo it and say things that are so awful,

it sort of backfires.

I think we should treat women the same as men, and that means

if a woman is being a giant bitch, I'm going

to be a giant dick back to her. Any questions?

The news kept covering it in detail. Everything about it was insane.

Some people on the left didn't like having these provocative,

intolerant people around, so they started lobbing milkshakes

over them to test whether they were lactose intolerant too.

And usually, they filmed it as well.

I think, technically, it's called a cream pie video.

There's a sort of middle ground of unpleasantness that works well.

You have to say or do something dodgy,

but not so dodgy no-one will defend it, like a white bloke wearing

blackface in the dark, you know, something that'll divide

and confuse people just enough that they spend their time arguing

with each other rather than with you.

Apparently, everyone's caught polarisation, which is

this sort of brain disease where you're angry all the time.

It spreads on the internet, and there's no vaccine for it yet.

And even if there was, I wouldn't take it,

because I don't believe in vaccines any more, because of Facebook.

What do we want? Brexit! When do we want it? Now!

It's all because of Brexit, basically. It's torn people apart.

My mate Paul's finding it extra hard, because he's bipolar,

and his upside is Remain, but his downside is Leave.

He's barely on speaking terms with himself most days, which is

quite an improvement, actually. Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

I've got so used to hating everything, I was eating

a biscuit the other day, and I suddenly thought, fuck this biscuit!

You know? I don't want a Bourbon cream.

Fuck you, you crunchy fucking cream-filled prick!

Fuck off back to your biscuit tin! And then I thought, what am I doing?

You know? What have I become? Who do I think I am?

Who the fuck am I looking at? Do I fucking want some?

And I kicked the shit out of myself, right there in the kitchen,

really gave me what for, and it all felt a bit better after that.

But Britain isn't the only disunited country.

Since Donald Trump became President in 2017 with no government

experience - something which is still true today -

the USA has also been at war with itself. Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Trump keeps doing stuff like locking kids in cages

and telling people to go back to where they came from,

which they can't anyway, because he's building

a wall around the country to stop them from escaping.

Donald Trump should be a hero to a lot of people.

He's really moved the goalposts on how incompetent you can be and

still keep your job.

I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges of the investigation.

If he'd been in my office, he'd have had at least one verbal

warning by now, and he might have been asked to go on a course.

There was loads and loads of coverage of it.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announcing a formal

impeachment inquiry of President Trump.

The President responding on Twitter, calling it "more breaking

"news Witch Hunt garbage" and "presidential harassment".

Anyway, now they're trying to impeach him, which I think is

some sort of skin treatment to make him the right colour again.

The last president who got impeached was Bill Clinton, who had to

resign and was never seen or heard of again,

but then Clinton's crimes were unforgivable, like doing hand

and mouth stuff with a lady who wasn't his wife.

I don't know what Trump's accused of,

but I'd be amazed if he's ever done something as bad as that.

Anyway, it's not just in Britain and America -

everywhere on the planet's totally polarised,

except for the North and South Pole, and that's only because

penguins haven't got broadband, so they're not on social media yet.

I'm calling you a liar right now.

Don't get me wrong - all this constant modern hate is good fun,

but it's knackering after a while.

All my frowning muscles are worn out and my throat's raw from shouting.

Some mornings, I can barely shake a fist.

I think what I need is a bit of a break, maybe tone

it down for a weekend, spend it just slightly resenting things.

I need to recharge my batteries, because in 2020,

I'm hoping to hate the fucking shit out of everything that moves.