Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

The convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein - once a friend

of presidents and British royalty is found dead

in his prison cell in New York.

Jeffrey Epstein was this billionaire, who was into sex with

trafficked underage girls, and he had lots of powerful

friends like Donald Trump

and Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew.

MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS Anyway, this year, Epstein died

in a freak necktie accident

while one of his prison guards was blinking for too long.

His friendship with Prince Andrew was on everyone's mind again,

so Andrew figured he should go on TV and just draw

a line under the whole thing

with a great big highlighter pen.

It was like this one-off episode of Mastermind, where his specialist

subject was a dead paedophile, and even though he knew loads about

the bloke, everyone seemed to think he got a lot of the answers wrong.

You've been on his private plane? Yes.

You've been to stay on his private island? Yes.

You've stayed at his home in Palm Beach? Yes.

BEEPING

It was a really clever format.

He had to think up hilarious alibis, and Emily Maitlis had to

just try not to piss herself or stand up and lamp him.

I was at home, I was with the children,

I had taken Beatrice to a PizzaExpress in Woking.

One of his alibis was that he had

been in a PizzaExpress in Woking at the time,

which is fair enough, because I'm sure that would be extremely

memorable to him. Maybe he had some vouchers that were about to expire

that day. Although for it to be really convincing,

he'd probably need to show us some proof like the little menu

he coloured in while he was there or something.

She described dancing with you... No. ..and you profusely sweating

and that she went on to have a bath, possibly...

There's a slight problem with the sweating,

because I have a peculiar medical condition,

which is that I don't sweat.

He said he wasn't capable of sweating because he had

overdosed on adrenaline when he had been shot at in a war.

A doctor said that wasn't possible

but they don't know everything about how the human body works.

I mean doctors still believe in vaccines, and those have been

pretty thoroughly debunked by this

WhatsApp parents group I'm in.

Anyway, when the quiz was over,

he announced that he was stepping down from public duties.

I mean, it's hard to even conceive of a world without

Prince Andrew's contribution to it.

That's Britain fucked now.

The worst thing is, now we'll have to hold a state funeral for

Prince Andrew's reputation.

And how much is that going to cost?

Incredibly, Prince Andrew's interview was only the second most

catastrophic TV meltdown of the year after Emmy-winning drama Chernobyl.

There was this show about a place called "Cherno-ball",

about the sort of Russian factory that went bang.

I don't know what they made there,

but I think it was bread because they were all dressed like bakers

in a sort of big kitchen, worrying about the dials on their big mixer.

You could see they were ashamed that they had messed things up

so much because they kept really blushing like they'd seen

what a mess they made and just gone totally red with embarrassment.

To be fair, they probably didn't know how the machines in the factory

were supposed to work because all the manuals were printed

in Russian, which no-one can read.

When the main bread machine bit blew up,

it sent all this flour into the air and loads of people who got

exposed to it had a wheat allergy, so they got bad tummies...

..and came out in a sort of nasty rash.

WAILING

It was a real scandal.

I hope Hovis are watching so this kind of thing never happens again.

The whole area went radioactive.

The scary thing about radioactivity is,

it's dangerous even though you can't see it.

Like when a paedophile hides under a table.

First, the explosion makes all the colour bleed out of the sky

so everything is grim and depressing.

Then there's Trevor off EastEnders stomping around with

his bits all hanging out.

It was like, "All right, mate, this is about a nuclear accident

"but does it have to be such a downer?"

It turned into a zombie movie but they were the worst zombies

I've ever seen. They just kept lying down and sort of crying.

Agh.

They didn't even bite each other.

What was clever was it explained exactly how a nuclear reactor works.

With an RBMK reactor of the type used at Chernobyl, there is

something called a positive void coefficient.

Which is, it sort of has particles in it and atoms

and they sort of rub together.

And then all the power comes out,

but if you turn the dial up too much, everything explodes.

And I couldn't have told you any of that before.