Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language.

Standing here in the English countryside,

it may not seem obvious,

but we are facing a man-made disaster on a global scale.

David Attenborough did a TV show about the environment

called Climate Change - The Facts,

which is irresponsible of him because you can't change the facts.

That's what all the science people in the programme kept saying.

Once you've crossed the tipping point, that's it -

you've triggered a catastrophic change.

It was basically a snuff movie starring everyone on the planet,

all the animals and the ice

and the forests and the oceans - everything.

All the way down to the ants, probably.

They didn't actually show what'll happen to the ants,

but they're the first to go in a stampede situation,

so chances are they're fucked too.

2019 was scary in a lot of ways, but I think the scariest part

of the year was when this girl travelling through time

to the Davos summit to bring us all a warning from the future.

I am here to say our house

is on fire.

It was like something from a horror movie

except instead of riding a tricycle around an abandoned hotel,

she was delivering a terrifying prophecy,

and the twist was it's true.

People are suffering, people are dying

and our ecosystems are collapsing.

Normally I'd just ignore the terrified pleading of a child,

but even I've noticed the weather's been a bit weird this year,

like it's on shuffle mode.

One minute it was colder than ever,

and then it was wetter than ever,

then it was hotter than ever.

At one point, the Amazon caught fire,

which must have been a real blow to those people trying to chop it down.

The eyes of all future generations are upon you,

and if you choose to fail us, I say, we will never forgive you.

Whenever there's a kid asking difficult questions,

it's important to ask,

what's her background? You know?

How can I discredit this?

And it turns out her mum took part in Eurovision once.

# Can you keep a secret? Can you keep a secret? #

So she's just part of the Eurovision elite.

Even though everything Greta Thunderberg said was depressing,

she got really popular, like Radiohead.

And soon she was on tour, hanging out on yachts

and meeting Hollywood stars.

And because she was making everybody focus on this massive threat

to human civilisation, some people got annoyed she was taking

attention away from more important things, like themselves.

No, I think she needs to get back to school and shut up.

Grown men taking the piss out of a 16-year-old girl sounds cowardly,

but when you think about what massive wankers it made them seem

to literally everyone, it's an act of extreme heroism, in a way.

A bit like being a first responder rushing selflessly

into the Twin Towers, but the cunts version of that.

They'll probably make a movie about her life.

I don't know what the overall story will be,

but because she's a Swedish schoolgirl

that middle-aged men seem to hate, it'll basically be the opposite

of the last 40 or so Woody Allen films.

Here, schoolchildren across the UK have been taking part

in a day of protests, calling for action on climate change.

We have to do something to save the planet.

ALL CHANT: This is what democracy looks like!

It was a strange feeling,

seeing all these tiny children marching to demand a future.

It filled me with despair, but it also made me quite broody,

and now I can't wait to have a frightened little baby.

The kids say, "All they want is a future," which is fine,

but a few years ago, they said all they wanted was a fidget spinner.

Make up your fucking minds.

It is one craze after another with them.

They'll be into something else in a few years,

like fighting for water or something.

The kids weren't the only ones protesting.

There were these Extinction Rebel Lion people as well

who took over bits of London.

It's a good cause, but it did look like the whitest carnival ever.

At one point, they stopped people using the tube.

A lot of people said the protesters

shouldn't have targeted public transport because

it's one of the most environmentally friendly ways of travelling.

You're stopping an electric train. It's electric.

But sometimes, in a protest, it's important to do things that

make absolutely no fucking sense and alienate everyone.

The thing with climate change is it's hard to know what to think.

You've got half the world's scientists saying one thing

and the other half completely agreeing with them.

So it's all just their opinion.

If we all ate less meat, that would help.

I'm fully vegan now, apart from the odd bit of cheese and chorizo.

And Bovril.