All language subtitles for American.Pie.1999.Unrated.720p.BluRay.x264.950MB-Pahe.in

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're so good.

Oh, yes. I am the best, baby.

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh. Oh, that was a tit.

That is a tit! Yes!

Oh, you're so big!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right, baby.

- Oh, doggie wants to hide his bone.
- Yes!

Oh, yeah!
I'm bone smuggling, baby.

Man, would you shut up?

Hey, Jimmy.
Just wanted to say sweet dreams.

Yeah, yeah. Sweet dreams.
Goodnight, Mum.

Kiss goodnight.

Something wrong with the reception?

Yeah. Yeah.

There's this nature show...

- Take it off.
- ...that I'm trying to watch.

And the birds are all scrambled

- and I can't even...
- Do me! Yes!

Baby! Ride me like a pony!

The thing must be broken

or I sat on the remote
or something.

Getting ready for bed, Son?

Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.

- Yeah?
- No! No, I think

he's trying to watch
some illegal channels here.

Illegal... Illegal channels?

This is just bad reception, honey.

- Oh, spank my hairy ass!
- What's that?

Oh, baby!

You know what? Here.
Just give me this, please...

- Oh, my God!
- And let's get this...

Okay, okay. Let's...
What the hell's the matter with this thing?

Yes!

Illegal channels? Shit!

If there's any channel that should be illegal,
it's that "all-woman's" channel.

- Lifetime supply of pantyhose or some shit.
- Yeah.

Hey, did you see The Little Mermaid
on TV the other night?

- No.
- Ariel, man. She's so hot!

She's a mermaid, dude.

Yeah, Oz.
But not when she's on land.

Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's party.
We got to go. It'll be great.

Why? All that happens at
Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it.

Yeah.

Now, come on, Kevin.
Open it.

It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.

If you think so, just open it.

Fine.

"Dear Miss Latham, we're sorry
but after keeping you on the waiting list

"for the past couple of months,
we've decided that you are now rejected."

Shut up!

You got in.

Yes! I love you!

Okay.

Hey, you think I should wear
this shirt to Stifler's party?

You've worn that shirt for, like,
three days in a row, man!

Guys. She said it.

Said what?

She said she loves me.

- Holy shit, dude! The "L" word?
- Oh, man!

Cornell's not that far from U of M.

Yeah, it's only, like, seven hours.

Oh, and you get to
drive across Canada.

Beautiful country.

Whatever. It's doable.

What we should do today, in band.

Instead of playing our instruments regularly,
we should play them backwards.

- That'll be so funny!
- Yeah.

No offence, but you're talking about

a post-high school,
long-distance relationship.

And you and Kevin
haven't even done it yet.

That's not why we're going out.

What do you expect him to drive
to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?

We're gonna have sex
when he's ready and I'm ready.

It's got to be completely perfect.

I want the right time,
the right moment, the right place...

Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch.
It's sex.

- Finch.
- Here's the man we are looking for.

- Gentlemen.
- What's going on, buddy?

Same old.

Finch. You got the Latin homework?

It means, "My dog ate it."
It's Latin. It's a joke.

- It's a Latin joke.
- Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.

You know, Jim, it's mochaccino.

What?

What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino.
It's not coffee.

'Nova!

What's up, dude?

You coming to the party
tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface?

Depends if my date
wants to stop by.

I'm working on something new.

I got an idea about something new.

How about you guys
actually locate your dicks,

remove the shrink-wrap
and fucking use them!

Dude, it's gonna happen.
She's a college chick.

Oh, right. I'll see you guys tonight.

I'll look for you
in the no-fucking section.

All right. I'm shooting for a 9:00 ETA,
beer in hand by five after.

Breath check.

Thank you.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

So, you got something up
your sleeve for tonight?

This is a foolproof plan, my friend.

I have a serious question
to ask you guys. Okay.

You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian chick?
She might be there tonight.

Now, do you think she would prefer...

laid-back Jim, or...

cool, hip Jim?

I don't think it really matters
with that shirt you're wearing.

What? Correct me if I'm wrong
but you're the one with the girlfriend

and you're still stranded on third base.

Hey, at least I know
what third base feels like, okay?

You're still just a batboy.

Batboy. Batboy.

What are you talking about?

Guys,

what exactly does
third base feel like?

You wanna take this one?

Like warm apple pie.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Apple pie, huh?
- Uh-huh.

McDonald's or homemade?

Gentlemen, destiny awaits.

That's number five and six
for the Stif-meister!

Oh, yeah.

Oops!

- Holy!
- Hey!

Nadia! Buenos dias.
Glad you could make it.

I'll be back for you later.

- Now the party's startin'!
- How you doing?

Welcome to Stifler's
Palace of Love, fellas.

- The keg's back there! Enjoy!
- Yeah.

Vicky, Jessica! Great to see you.
Glad you could make it.

Haha, bitches!

- Sherman!
- Hey!

What the fuck are you doing here?

Fellas! What's going on?

Sherman. Not much.
Just scoping the babes.

Indeed!
Some fine ladies here, boys.

Confidence is high.
Repeat. Confidence is high.

Sherman is moving to DEFCON 2.

Full strategic arsenal
ready for deployment.

Hey!

You have something
going tonight, Sherman?

You see that Central chick, Bernette?

- No.
- No.

She's around.
Seems she's taken a liking to me.

Fellas, it's time she experienced
the Sherminator.

Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.

I'm a sophisticated sex robot
sent back through time

to change the future
for one lucky lady.

Go get 'em, tiger.

I'll be back!

- Hopeless.
- Completely.

- Hi.
- Hey, Vic.

Oh, shit. Guys, guys.

There's Nadia and
she just looked at me.

She just looked at me.

Well, why don't you go talk to her?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, Kev.
I should just go talk to her.

Yeah, I could do that. Sure.

Sure.

Kev? Kev?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's great!

See you later.

We're here for the party.

What party? There's no party.

Weird. Try the house down the street.

So, what's your major?

Post-modern feminist thought.

Oh, cool. Great night, isn't it?

Sure.

Yeah, it's just something about the springtime
that's just cool, you know?

Like the smell of fresh rain or something.

Suck me, beautiful.

What did you just say?

Suck me, beautiful.

My friends call me "Nova,"
as in Casanova.

That's pathetic.

Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.

Well, there's just some things
you need to learn, that's all.

- Like what?
- Well, you've got to tone it down.

You don't need to come
to a place like Lookout Point

and spout off cheeseball lines
to be romantic.

Okay.

You have to pay attention to a girl.

Be sensitive to her feelings.
Relationships are reciprocal.

Come on, Casanova.
I'll take you back to your friends.

Vicky, think it's time to take
the next step in our relationship?

Tonight?

Yeah, it's such
a perfect evening.

I mean, it's how you've
always pictured it, isn't it?

Man, my farts fucking stink!

Dude, you gotta take a shit!
You smell like a yeti!

Or not.

Just relax.

You actually said that?

Shut up!

You did a hell of a lot better
than I did with Nadia.

Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great.
That's really reassuring.

Hey, no problem, 'Nova.

Hey, don't call me 'Nova anymore.
I'm a... I'm a fraud.

You guys are pathetic.

I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

"Suck me, beautiful!"

Let me know.

Okay.

Keep going.

I should be able to talk to girls.

I'm articulate.

You know, I got a 720
on my SAT verbal.

Bullshit. There's no way.

I kid you not, man. Look. Listen.

Copious. Verisimilitude.

Oh, oh. Now.

Suck me, beautiful!

Damn it, Stifler.

Checkout time!

Please, vacate the room.

You are such a jerk.

God, I can't believe how many
cool people are at this party.

Yup.

And you got a keg too!

Wow!

Indeed.

Oh, wait. I left my beer downstairs.

No. No. Here, babe!

Thanks.

You're really beautiful. Oh.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

You know what?
I don't know if I want to be doing this.

Doing what?

You know, like,
if we hook up tonight,

tomorrow I'll just be some girl you
go telling all your friends about.

No way!

Steve, you could at least
look at me when you say that!

Look. Sarah,

I wouldn't go telling stories
or anything about you.

I promise. So, just relax,

take it slow and
let the good times roll.

Okay.

All right.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? What is it?

Xenophobic.

Regurgitation.

I know that one.

Kevin likes it.

He likes getting head.

Gee, what a total shocker.
What about you, Vicky?

I mean, have you just
never had one with Kevin,

or have you never had one, period?

I've had one.

- I think.
- Okay.

That's a no. No wonder
you're not psyched about sex.

You tell me you never
even had one manually?

I've never tried it.

You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Ha-ha, nice!

Jesus! Stifler,
how much did you drink, man?

Hey, Stifler? How's the pale ale?

Fuck you!

That's Stifler's mum?

Yup.

Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman
like this produced a guy like Stifler.

Dude, that chick's a MILF.

What the hell is that?

M-I-L-F. Mum I'd like to fuck.

Yeah, dude!

Oh, ho, yeah!

- Yeah! MILF! MILF!
- Yeah! MILF! MILF!

Hey, guys. Guys. Guys.

Come here.

Sherman, what's going on?

Yeah, don't you think
you fellas could try a little tact?

I got company,
if you know what I mean?

She's hot!

If Sherman has sex before I do,
I'm gonna be really pissed.

Sherman? The Sherminator?

Come on, man.

- MILF! MILF!
- MILF! MILF!

Dude, hey, dude.
What are you doing to her, dude?

Oh, my God, bro. Dude.

Enough of this blow job bullshit.

I gotta get laid already.

That's nice. Really, really nice.

- Can I have a ride?
- Sure.

- Vicky, wait.
- Not for you.

Yeti! I am the Yeti!

- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Finch.

Where were you last night, huh?

What happened to that
foolproof plan of yours?

Well, I was going for a fashionably-late
entrance and I was too late.

So, no ladies left.

It was a very
special night, very special.

Guys. Guys.

I'll never forget this.

Oh, I'll never forget it, either.

Thank you.

- Well, bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Fellas, say goodbye
to Chuck Sherman, the boy.

I am now a man.

I highly recommend you join the club.

We were doing the wild thing all night.
I'm exhausted.

I don't get it. I mean,
how the hell did you do that?

It was just my time.
It was just my time.

Best of luck to you boys.

- I cannot believe this.
- Come on, guys.

You know, we should be
happy for Sherman.

No, we shouldn't be.

You know, I put in months
of quality time with Vicky.

Sherman meets a chick
for one night and scores.

This is just wrong.

No shit.

How the hell am I supposed
to become Mr. Sensitive Man?

You know, we're all gonna go to college
as virgins. You realise this, right?

I mean, they probably have
special dorms for people like us.

All right. I got an idea.
But it's got to stay between us.

It's really simple. We just got to
make an agreement.

No. It's more than an agreement.

- What? A bet?
- A pact.

No money involved.
More important than any bet.

Here's the deal. We all get laid
before we graduate.

Dude, it's not like I haven't
been trying to get laid.

Think about when you work out, Oz.

You gotta have someone there, right?

Someone to spot you.
Someone to keep you motivated.

Well, that's exactly what
we can do for each other.

I mean, we'll be there
to keep each other on track.

Separately, we are flawed
and vulnerable, but together,

we are the masters
of our sexual destiny.

Their tiger-style kung fu is strong.

But our dragon-style will defeat it.

- Guys!
- The Shaolin masters

from East and West must unite!

- Fight, and find out who is number one.
- Guys!

Come on. You're ruining
my moment here.

This is our very manhood at stake.

We must make a stand, here and now.

No longer will our penises
remain flaccid and unused!

We will fight for every man out there
who isn't getting laid and should be.

This is our day. This is our time.

And, by God, we will not stand by
and watch history condemn us into celibacy.

- Amen. Yes.
- I like that.

- We will make a stand. We will succeed.
- About time!

We will get laid!

Yeah!

Now, the sex. It's got to be valid,
consensual sex.

No prostitutes.
That's what you're thinking, Finch.

Busted.

So, basically,
prom is our last chance.

- Oh, dude. Prom sucks.
- I know,

but you gotta
think about it this way.

I mean, all the parties afterwards?

The chicks are going to
want to do it.

Yeah, yeah, he's right.
It's, like, tradition or something.

The Rose Bowl.

So, that gives us...

Exactly three weeks to the day.

- We're gonna do this.
- All right, to the next step!

- Next step!
- Next step!

Well, did you get the flowers?

Don't worry.
You'll get her back soon enough.

- You think so?
- Sure, she likes you.

Well, I like her too.

Do you love her?

You know what?
You can't really ask me that.

Well, if you want to get her in the sack,
I mean, just tell her you love her.

That's how I was duped.

Look, Jessica,

I don't want to dupe her.

All right. What you need to do is
learn how to press a girl's buttons.

You have to give her
what she's never had.

What's that?

Let me give you a hint.

Oh, Kev! Yeah.

- ¿Comprende?
- You mean an orgasm.

- You got it, stud!
- Well, you know,

I'm... I'm pretty sure
that I've given her a...

No, you haven't.

- Well, there was one time...
- No.

Oh, man.

Look, kid, it's up to you.

The big L or the big O.

Dickhead!

You gotta see this.

What did you cocks do to him?

Great. See you next time.

Hey, guys.
Came to watch me in action?

Yeah.

I think you sounded pretty good.

Yeah, man.

I think you need
your balls reattached.

Hey, keep it down, dude.

What the fuck are you doing here?

This place is an untapped resource.

I mean, check it out.

These vocal jazz girls are hot.

Why the hell is he
joining jazz choir so late?

Maybe he's preparing for
another senior year at East?

You guys, we don't even know him.

You dipshit!

You're expecting to score with
some goody-goody choir girl priss?

These chicks don't know me.
I can work the sensitive angle here, fellas!

You know, it's just like that
college chick told me.

All that you gotta do
is just ask them questions

and listen to what
they have to say and shit.

I don't know, man.
That sounds like a lot of work!

Just a second!

Come in. Come in.

Oh, Jim, you're here.

I was just walking by
your room and...

And, you know, I was thinking,

"Boy, it's been a long time since
we've had a little father-son chat."

Oh! I almost forgot.
I... I bought some magazines.

Do you want to just flip
to the centre section?

Well, this is the...
This is the female form.

And they have
focused on the breasts

which are used primarily
to feed young infants

and also in foreplay.

Right.

This is... This is Hustler.

And this is a much more
exotic magazine.

Now, they have decided to
focus more on the pubic region...

- Right. Uh-huh.
- ...the whole groin area.

Look at the expression on her face.

You see that?
See what she's doing?

She's kind of looking
right into your eyes saying,

"Hey, big boy.
Hey, how you doing?"

- You see?
- Right.

Shaved is a magazine
I'm not too familiar with,

but, again, if you flip to the centre

section...

Well, you see the detail that,
that they go into in this picture here.

Yeah.

It almost looks like
a tropical plant or some

- underwater thing.
- Yeah. Yes.

- Do you know what a clitoris is?
- Oh, my God.

- Well, don't say, "Oh..."
- Yes, I know what a clitoris is.

Oh, you do. Oh, I see.
Yes, you do.

I forgot, you've been there and back.
You know everything.

I've learned about it in Sex Ed.

I really don't need you
to talk about clitoris.

I'm trying to make this painless...

You know what? I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have got hot there.

Well, you know what
I'm going to do, Jim.

I'm going to just
leave these books here

for you to peruse at your...
at your leisure.

Wait!

Well, safer than a tube sock.

- Okay, that... That was good.
- Yeah.

See you at dinner.

Yeah. I'll see you at dinner.

So, Finch, this is your plan?

You know, I don't think girls are
into the whole mini-golf thing.

Kevin, I'm sure that they're not.

Actually, there is one small matter that
I need to ask for your cooperation in.

In the spirit of
this whole pact, you know?

Sure, what do you need?

Whatever you hear about me,
you agree.

And tell all the boys
the same thing.

Look, I gotta go.
16 minutes round-trip.

You know, Finch, it's,
it's senior year.

I mean, don't you think it's time you
learned how to take a dump at school?

When was the last time you looked
at the facilities in this school?

Excuse me.

That's Paul Finch, right?

Yeah.

Well, you've seen him
in the locker room, right?

Yeah.

So, my friends,
they want to know. Is it true?

You know, that he's equipped.

I have no idea. Finch showers
with his bathing suit on.

I mean...

As a matter of fact, it is true.
The guy's huge!

Does he have a date
for the prom yet?

No, definitely not.

All right. Thanks.

Oh, man!

So I was thinking maybe you could
give me some advice, brother to brother.

I thought you might know
a trick or something to make her...

- Orgasm?
- Yeah.

What's good here?

- Try the spicy tuna hand roll.
- What?

- How do you do that?
- Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention.

Is that all that you're interested in,
trying to get your girl into bed?

No, it'd be good to be able to,
you know, return the favour.

Be nice to know she enjoys things
as much as I do.

See that? That's good. That's what
I wanted to hear. Now, you qualify.

Qualify for what?

My man, you've just inherited
the Bible.

It originally started
as a sex manual,

this book that some guys
brought back from Amsterdam.

And each year it got passed on to
one East student who was worthy.

Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff that
guys have added over the years.

But you have to keep it a secret
and return it at the end of the year.

All right.
So now you know. Good luck.

What was that?

- Sorry.
- No, it was good.

Well, it, uh...
It came from the heart.

Well, keep it coming.
All right, people, good work!

Now, don't forget. The state competition's
a couple of weeks away

so keep on it, okay?

Not bad, Chris.

Really?

- Thanks, Heather, right?
- Yeah.

So, you've got this sort of
Frank Sinatra thing going on.

Right. I feel like I've discovered
this whole new side of me.

I mean, music is so expressive.

Okay. I mean, I agree, but,

aren't you supposed to be out,
like, trying to decapitate someone

with your lacrosse stick
or something?

Oh, sure. Sure.

You know, I know what
people think. It's like,

"Oz, he's just this
kick-ass lacrosse player."

You know, I also play football,
by the way, but that's, like,

that's not all that I am,
you know?

Of course, I didn't...

I mean, it really bothers me when people
try to pigeonhole me like that.

You?

You think I don't get that?

God, it's like just because I don't get
drunk and barf every weekend

that people say, "Oh, look. There's
this goody two-shoes choir girl priss."

Yeah. So, like,
what else do you do?

Well, the same things you do,

like hang out with friends and stuff.

Why? What do you think I do?

Oh, I...

I just realised that I don't know
anything about you.

I was interested.

Oh, well,
what do you want to know?

You know, stuff, about you.

All right.

Mum, I'm home!

Oh, yeah. Oh!

Jim!

It's not what it looks like.

Well, we'll just tell your mother
that, that we ate it all.

Goal by
number eight, Chris Ostreicher.

- Nice game. Nice game.
- Good game.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Just enjoying my first
exhilarating lacrosse experience.

- You kicked butt.
- Oh, thanks.

- Chris...
- Oh, you can call me Oz, if you want.

- Do I have to?
- You can call me Ostreicher.

What's your middle name?

No, forget it.

Come on. I won't tell anyone.

Well, neither will I.

Okay.

So, I had this thought, and

it may seem like
it's way out of left field.

I don't know if you can,

but since I'm not going with anybody,
I thought that maybe...

Those guys sucked ass!

Choir chick, what the hell
are you doing here?

Well, I was asking Chris to prom.

So, do you want to go?

Oh, yeah! That would be great.

Well, just don't expect Oz
to pay for the limo!

Stifler, fuck! I mean...

Why do you got to be
so insensitive all the time?

What?

Whatever. Look, don't forget.
My cottage after prom.

On Lake Michigan.

Hey, wait up, you pussies.
Where you going?

Well, I gotta...
I gotta hit the showers now

but I think this is gonna be
really, really good.

Yeah. Me too.

All right.

- Bye. Bye.
- Bye.

'Appening Oz!
Working with the choir chick?

What do you say, fellas? I just dig
those cute little sweaters she wears.

Nuts you do,
you little horn dog.

Yeah! Yeah, baby!

Spank me! Spank me!
Hit that high C.

Come on! What's going on here?

I was being selfish
and majorly insensitive.

I'm a... I'm a total idiot.
I mean, a fool, a buffoon.

I think shithead really says it.

You know what? You're right.
I'm a shithead,

and I want to make it up to you.

Oh, yeah? How?

Vicky.
Your parents are downstairs.

Kevin, don't stop!

Just a second.

Hon, can you tell Vic
to come on down for supper?

Holy shit!

You know there's
no lock on your door?

Oh! I'm coming! I'm coming!

- Oh, Jim!
- Dad.

Hi, I was just looking at
the old family portrait out here.

Well, that was a fun day, wasn't it?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Jim, I want to
talk about masturbation.

Now, I just want you to know
that it's, it's a perfectly normal thing.

And I have to admit, you know,

I did a fair bit of masturbating
when I was a little younger.

I, I used to call it
"stroking the salami."

Yeah, you know,
"pounding the ol' pud."

I never did it with baked goods.

But you know your Uncle Mort?

He "pinched the one-eyed snake"
five, six times a day.

See, it's like,
practice for the big game.

You see? It's like... It's like,

banging a tennis ball
against a brick wall.

Which can be fun.
It can be fun, but it's not a game.

- Right. No.
- It's not a game.

What you want is you want
a partner to return the ball.

Do you want a partner?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
I want a partner.

- You do want a partner?
- Oh, I want a partner.

- You want a partner. Good. Good.
- Of course.

Good.

So, once Hal
becomes king, he has to take on

the responsibilities of leadership
and turn his back

on his old, drunken friend, Falstaff.

You see, Hal is going through
a rite of passage, much like you all are.

So make the most of the time you've
got left together. You'll miss it later.

So, does your tongue cramp up?

No. You get kind of
dizzy, though.

Wow.

That's amazing. She's probably
gonna want to do it soon.

All right. Class dismissed.

Still questing after
the Holy Grail, huh, guys?

Hey, where's Finch?

Oh, he went home to take a shit.

I don't get it. I just don't.

How does a guy like that
get this sudden reputation?

What reputation?

Observe.

Excuse me. Do you know
who Paul Finch is?

Yeah! He's the guy
with the tattoo, right?

You know, the eagle
and the blazing fire and all that stuff.

Well, if you guys see him later,
will you tell him Courtney says hi?

Bye.

Okay. Explain.

I can't.

I don't know how he's doing it.

I guess that just leaves Jim trailing.

- Jimbo!
- Better sack up, buddy!

Yeah, I know.
I'm working on it, all right?

James?

You are very good in
the world history class, yes?

Me? Yes. No...

Yes, I am.

Perhaps you could
help me with my studies.

Yeah. Absolutely.

That would be...
That would be great sometime.

How about tomorrow?

Well, I have ballet practice.

Perhaps, I could come
by your house afterwards?

I could change clothes at your place.

Oh. Yeah.

I suppose
that would be okay. Sure.

Nice car!

I'm glad you think so.

You don't like it?

No, I like the car.
By the way, though, about prom?

That was a bad idea.
I'm sorry I invited you.

What are you talking about?

Please.

I asked you because I thought you
might actually be worth going with.

But you are just a jock.
No, wait. You're a jerk.

Wait! I don't understand.

I saw you making fun of me
with your lacrosse buddies.

Heather, I wasn't
making fun of you.

Give me a break.
You're so full of it.

Fuck me!

There's gonna be an Eastern European
chick naked in your house.

And you're not gonna
do anything about that?

What am I gonna do, huh?
Broadcast her over the Internet?

- Yeah.
- You can do that?

No. I cannot do that to her.

Jim, get some fucking balls.

If you don't have the guts
to photograph a naked chick,

how you gonna sleep with one?

I don't like the kid,
but he's got a point.

See, even Shit-Break
knows you should do it.

All you gotta do is set up some sort of
private link or whatever on the net

and tell me the address.

You can send me the address too.

I'll save you a seat.

Okay, that was good,
but I want to thicken up that solo.

Michigan State is this Saturday,
and I want that part to smoke.

Yeah, I know, my timing's off.

No, it's not that. I think it'll work better
as a duet with a tenor part.

I'll do it.

Dick.

- I'll do it.
- Great. See you tomorrow.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause I want to.

Yeah? Well, you can't fake this.
You better practice.

Come in.

Jim? There's a, a young lady
here to see you.

- Hey, Nadia.
- Hi, James. Ready to study?

Oh, he's always ready to study.
He's a real bookworm, this kid.

- Dad.
- I mean,

he's not, not one of those
nerdy guys but...

Dad!

Well, I'll, I'll let you two
hit the books.

You want a beer?

Oh, there we go.

Come on, move!

Steve! It's my computer!
And I wanna use it!

Shut up!

Oh, you need to...
You need to change, right?

- Do you mind?
- No. No, not at all.

Please, you know. Just go ahead
and get un... Get changed.

I'll, I'll go downstairs
and start studying up.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

All right, there he goes.

Now we're in business.

- Back in a sec.
- Jimmy, honey...

Here she is.

Did I miss anything?

No. You are just in time.

This is incredible.

Oh, my God!
This is too much.

Oh, did you see?
Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez.

God bless the Internet.

- Do it. Take it off.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you, God,
for this wonderful, wonderful day.

Man, she takes her vitamins.

Stop hyperventilating.

This is, like, the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

I know.

Can you believe... This is definitely
one of Stifler's best ideas ever.

What is she...
She's touching my stuff.

- Why is she touching my stuff?
- Man, let her touch.

- She's going through my stuff!
- Nadia can touch anything she wants.

- Oh.
- Oh, no. Oh, no.

- No, no.
- Oh, nice collection there, Jim.

She's gonna leave.
She's definitely gonna...

She's getting comfortable.
She's not gonna leave.

She reads the articles.

Is she?

She's going downstairs.

- Oh, my God!
- Jackpot, baby!

Can you believe this?

Nadia, I would've never known!

I have an announcement
that I would like to make.

There is a gorgeous woman
masturbating on my bed!

Thank you, Nadia!

If you ever had a chance
with Nadia, this is it.

What am I supposed to do, Kev?

Seduce her.

What the hell would I say?

Go over there and ask her
if she needs an extra hand.

That's stupid, Kev. I can't...

That's not stupid!
You're stupid if you don't go!

Come on! Get over there!

Get going, man. She's prime.

Get out of here!

- She's waiting for you.
- Okay, all right, all right. I'm going.

- Go! Go!
- I'm going!

- Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Oh, shit.

Hey, Mum. Hey, Dad.

Oh, boy. Oh, God.
Oh, crap. Oh, no.

Hello?

Looks like Jim addressed
the e-mail wrong.

What?

It went out to every mailbox
in the East High directory.

God, how juvenile.

Hey, hey, hey, guys!

Check this out!
Oh, my God! Wow!

Please, God, let this be it.

Please?

Somebody's going in there.

Here you go.
That's what you need to do.

- That guy's in my trig class.
- Oh, no.

Looks like you could
use an extra hand.

Jim!

- Well... Oh, God.
- Shame on you.

Yeah, shame on me.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- You know, I'm just gonna go.
- Well,

you have seen me.

Now, it's my turn to see you.

Strip!

- Strip?
- Slowly.

You mean, like, strip, strip?

For me.

What is he talking to her about?

No idea.

Come on, Jim.
People are viewing. Get to business.

Perfect!

Move, James! Move!
Yeah, yeah. Move.

Go, trig boy!
It's your birthday!

- No! No. No.
- Please, God.

What's going on?

- Yes!
- All right. Get in the mix!

- See there.
- Oh, okay.

This is disgusting.

What the fuck is this?

Cut it out, man!

Yeah.

Freak.

He did not just
take out that chair.

Yup, he took out the chair.

More, more, you bad boy!

Oh, yeah, I'm bad.
I'm naughty, baby. Yeah!

Oh, God!

Now, come to me.

Oh, yeah.

- Here we go.
- He's in, man.

This just got
a hell of a lot better.

Be gentle.

Okay.

- Jim?
- Oh! Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

You've done that before, dude.

Houston, we have a problem.

What happened?
What did he do?

He blew it.

I guess I'll be going now.

No, no, no, I'm not done, Nadia.
I've got reserves.

Nadia, please, please.
I'm begging you.

Well, I do like
your dirty magazines.

You do? Okay. Well.
Did, did you see this one?

This here is your, is your
more exotic, risqué magazine.

- He's pulling out the porn.
- He's desperate.

Jim, just wait till she leaves.

Very arousing women.
They arouse me...

They arouse me very, very much.

But... But not as arousing as you.

- Oh, Jim!
- Oh, God!

- Yes!
- Yes!

- All right, dude!
- Yes.

He's ruining daisy!

So, "shaved" is the expression?

Holy shit.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Touch me, Jim.

Here.

Again?

Not again.

Not again, man!

Is that possible?

What a loser.

Hey!

- Hey, minute man!
- Shut up.

You know... You know
you're supposed to be supportive.

Hey, you think you still got
a chance with Nadia?

No. Her sponsors here
saw the thing on the net.

I really don't think
they liked it.

How do you know that?

She's already on a plane back home.

Yeah.

You know, guys? Maybe I'm just
not good with girls, period.

No, no, no, really, really. Like, like
I was born without that part of the brain.

I mean, I can't talk to girls.

And when I do talk to them,
I screw it up.

Yeah, well, come prom, those excuses
aren't going to do you any good.

And one time at band camp,
we weren't supposed to have pillow fights

but we had a pillow fight,
and it was so much fun.

And this one time, we all lost our music
and we were supposed to play this song,

but we didn't know it, so we just made it up
and we kept playing and playing

and the conductor didn't know what
we were doing, and it was so funny.

So, you're pissed
about something, huh.

You know what I do
when I'm angry?

I just play some Bach on my flute.
It's so relaxing.

I learned to do that
at band camp.

Hold on.

You have no idea why I'm angry?

Is it because we have
a test tomorrow?

Sometimes I get cranky when I know
I have a big test to study for.

Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

I thought so because
this one time at band camp...

What's your name?

- Michelle.
- Okay. Michelle.

Do you want to be
my date for the prom?

Really? You seriously
want to go with me?

Yes. Seriously.

Are we going to Steve Stifler's
party afterwards?

Because that would be so cool.

Sure, whatever you want.

Cool! We're gonna have
such a good time.

It'll be like this one time at band camp
when we all had a campfire...

Hi.

How'd you know I was here?

Stifler told me.

Talked to Stifler?

Well, I needed to find you.

We're gonna have to
work on that song.

Okay. I'm glad you came by.

So you work nights?

My dad's the manager.

Really?

Cool. Tell him
the subs are great.

So you're going
to Michigan next year?

Yeah.

My parents want me to go
to Northwestern, but...

I don't wanna write all those
extra essays they make you do.

I mean, how am I
supposed to know

what my "most emotionally
significant moment" was?

So when my U of M acceptance came
in December, I just said the hell with it.

- Onions?
- What?

You want onions?

Oh, no, thank you.

So what are you gonna major in?

State's got a good
business school,

and I could probably walk
onto the lacrosse team.

Well, you've probably got it
pretty figured out, then, huh?

I mean, business is okay,
and lacrosse is awesome, but,

what am I gonna be,
a professional lacrosse player?

I really have no idea.

Thank God. I thought
I was the only one.

Well, you're not.

So we're gonna be
close next year.

You mean East Lansing
and Ann Arbor?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, but I can't
go to the prom with you.

I'm holding out for someone else.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

I know it's a long shot, but I figure
Paul Finch might ask me.

Finch. Shit-Break.

Oh, gosh. I forgot.

You look okay.

I mean, the scars
healed really well.

- Hey, Stifler.
- Eat shit.

What was that all about?

He's still embarrassed
because Finch kicked his ass.

Who told you that?

What do you mean, "no comment"?

Did you two hook up
or something?

What, are you kidding? No.

Then how did all this
get started?

Well, I guess it's all right for me
to tell you now.

That reputation of his isn't going
anywhere. Cheese, please.

Finch comes up to me
and says, "Jessica,

"I need your help with this,
blah, blah, etcetera."

So I said, "All right.
Pay me 200 bucks,

"and I'll tell a couple of girls
that you're dynamite in bed."

So he did, and I did.

That actually works?

Well, duh! Of course.

Naturally, I embellished
a little bit.

Did you hear that Finch had
an affair with an older woman?

No, I didn't hear that one.

That one was my favourite.

Dude, that cheerleader.

She wants me.
She calls me up...

Oh, my God, you're gay!

Sing it with me.
You know the words.

No thanks, man. You've been
singing that shit all week.

If you try that at MSU this Saturday,
I'll kick your ass.

Our last game is this Saturday.

Yeah, well, shit.

I've got this lacrosse game.
It's really important. It's our last game.

Central almost beat us last time,
so this time I really wanna kick their ass.

But it's gonna be cool,
because the game's at State

which means afterwards
I'll be able to stop by.

So you can't sing
at the competition.

Heather, I'm sorry.
I totally blew it.

It's okay.

You should do
what makes you happy.

All right. Listen,
thanks for understanding.

Yeah.

So, I guess I'll see you later?

Hey, Kevin.

You seen Shit-Break lately?

Why? What did you do to him?

Me? Nothing.

See, I'm the one
whose ass he kicked.

But, I'll tell you
one thing, though.

I don't think he's gonna have a problem
shitting in school anymore.

Slipped a little something
into his mochaccino.

Oh, God!

Jesus.

Right this way, sir.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

It's gonna be fun.

You know it's just gonna be some
crappy band and stupid decorations.

You're just saying that

because prom's a week away
and you don't have a date.

No, no, no.
I don't want a date.

Finch is going stag and so am I.

God, he's like so refined.

You think that older woman
thing is true?

Yeah, it's true.
It was Stifler's mom.

Joanie, was that you?

Can't hold it.

Ew!

Yeah!

Kev? I think we've come

a really long way
since homecoming.

Yeah, we have.

Maybe it's time we start to
express ourselves in new ways.

- Yeah.
- You wanna do it?

- Yeah.
- I love you.

It's your turn.

That's not what I was thinking.

Sex. It's always about sex.

It's not always about sex.

I just thought it was
about sex this time.

Look, Vicky, love is a term
that gets thrown around

and, and people don't mean it.

When I say it, I want it to be
more than words.

- You know? I want it to be...
- Perfect.

Exactly.

- Okay, Albert. You ready?
- No problemo.

Come on, Heather.
Work with me here.

Goal, Ostreicher!

All right, Oz!
Atta boy, Ozzie!

Yeah, baby!

- We're crushing you losers!
- Let's go, fellas!

Come on!

Focus on the music.
Think melody.

Let the music be my guide.

That would be a start.

Who's the man? Stifler!

Huddle up, guys! Huddle up!

Huddle up! Come on! Okay.

All right, all right!

- Good hustle, guys.
- Good hustle.

But you can still lose. You all saw
what happened to Oz out there.

I don't want to ever see any of you
thinking you're gonna score.

You don't score until you score.

- Until you score.
- That's right, baby!

It all boils down to today.

For you seniors,
this marks the culmination

- of the past four years.
- Culmination.

I want you to think
about what this means to you.

Do you guys wanna look back
on your days at East

and know that you used
the time you had?

- Hell, yeah!
- You do!

Good attitude, Ostreicher.

Good luck, fellas.

Christ, I didn't tell you
to leave the game.

I'm sorry, Coach.

You got someplace more
important to be, Ostreicher?

Yeah.

Ostreicher!

Oz? Fuckface?

Ostreicher!

- Hey, Oz!
- Ozmeister!

- Oh, great.
- What about the game?

I'm not playing.

You're missing the game for us?

No, I'm missing
the game for you.

Does this mean I'm not gonna
get to do the duet?

Albert, you suck.

I don't think he's coming back.

Yeah, Oz! You fucking rule!

- Fucking rule!
- Yeah!

Maybe the words
aren't that important.

It's like, I know he really
cares about me, you know?

Even if he can't say it, he does.

And yeah, he always talks about sex,
but that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right?

He's got a dick. He's a guy.

Right.

Wait. Is this translation right?

"Go home, bird teacher.
I've had enough."

I don't know.
I got it from Kevin.

- So, does it hurt?
- What?

You know, sex. Does it hurt?

Yeah. I mean, the first time
you do it, you know, it hurts.

But then you, you do it again
and again and again...

It just starts to feel good.
Really good.

Okay, so say I don't do it.

And then I go off to college.

I might end up doing it
with some random guy

who totally turns out to be a jerk.

This is true.

And I'll wish I would've
done it with Kevin.

So go do it with Kevin.

- You think?
- Yeah. You're... You're ready.

You're woman. Look at you.
You're ready for sex.

- You're right.
- I know.

- I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex.
- Now.

And it's gonna be right,
and it's gonna be just perfect.

- Perfect sex.
- Thanks, Jessica.

Please.

Kevin.

Kevin.

- I wanna have sex.
- Now?

Prom.

You must be excited
about the big night tonight.

Thrilled.

Who's the lucky girl?

Michelle.

- Michelle.
- Yeah.

She must be very special.

Oh, she's special, all right.

I'm sure she is special if you
picked her out of the whole bunch.

Jim, I'm just gonna say one thing
before you leave tonight.

I want you to be
very, very careful

when you're putting on

the corsage.

Okay, Dad.

- Promise me.
- I promise.

You know, at band camp,
we have dances like this,

only they're way funner.

All right, status check.
Where do you guys stand?

Finch, we know where you are,
but can't really use that as an excuse.

Jim?

My date's a flute-toting band dork.
Does that answer your question?

Oz, is this vocal-jazz shit
gonna pay off or what?

Kevin, what's with the attitude?

Attitude? Me?

I think you guys should be
a little more enthusiastic.

This is the night
we've been waiting for.

We're in this together.
You guys can't back out.

Kev, you don't need us to get laid.
Are you afraid or something?

No. Come on.
We made a pact.

You can't break that.
You guys are gonna have to...

Have to what, Kev, huh?
I don't have to do shit.

Forget it already. I am so sick
and tired of all this bullshit pressure.

I've never even had sex, and already,
I can't stand it. I hate sex!

And I'm not gonna stand around here
busting my balls over something that,

quite frankly,
isn't that damn important.

I'm gonna go hang out
with that geek over there

'cause at least she has something else
to talk about besides sex.

Goddamn.

Yeah.

You know, at least I learned
how to shit in school, buddy.

Hey, Finch.

- Wanna dance?
- Yeah.

How come you have no date?

I like to keep my options open.

I got something for you.

Consider it a consolation prize.

Jessica, this is great! Wow!

Felt sort of guilty
about taking your money.

You spent $200 on this?

No, I spent 50 on the flask,
150 on the earrings.

- These are...
- Let me just clarify

that you have no chance
of scoring with me, Finch.

Oh, yeah. Of course not!

So I take it you and Sherman
are pretty close, huh?

You met at that party
a while back, right?

Yeah, we were up
all night together.

We had one of those
amazingly deep conversations

where you feel like you
really get to know someone.

Deep conversation, huh?

Is that what you call it?

What else would I call it?

Thank you, Great Falls.

We're gonna take a little break.
You are beautiful.

You suck!

Excuse me, everyone.

Sorry to interrupt.

I just thought
you all should know this.

Chuck Sherman is a liar.

I never had sex with him.

He's never had sex with anyone.

I know this because he told me.

Once he tried to screw
a grapefruit, but that's all.

Oh. He also told me
that when he gets nervous,

he sometimes wets his pants.

Thank you for your time.

- Guess what?
- Not interested.

Kevin. Come on, man. The bus
to Stifler's is gonna be here soon.

- I'm not going.
- What?

Why not?

Look, things didn't really turn out
how I wanted them to.

I mean, I don't even know
what I'm doing.

I'm acting like I've got
everything together tonight.

I know that Vicky's gonna
ask me if I love her, and

I don't know what I'm gonna say.

I mean, I'm on the brink.

I'm just about to do it.
I should be psyched.

I don't know. Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am just scared.

Come on, Kev.
Tonight is the night.

We, we are finally going
to a post-prom party on the lake.

We have been waiting
for this for four years.

Why else have we been friends
with Stifler all this time, right?

We were friends with Stifler?

Hey, look.

Sherman didn't even get laid.

- He didn't?
- No, he pissed himself.

What?

We'll tell you on the bus.

I'm gonna go inside
and grab my bag.

My date, too, perhaps?

Stifler's mum got it
in the divorce.

That reminds me
of this one time...

Hey, can I ask you a question?

How come you don't have any stories?
I've got lots of them

and you don't have any.

Oh, I've got stories.
Believe me. They're just...

They're just a little more risqué
than tales of band camp.

Are they gross or something?
Like guy stuff? Tell me!

Okay. You want a story?

Here's a story.
Stifler finds this beer...

This is the nicest room
in the house.

Kev, it's perfect.

You guys are gonna fuck,
aren't you?

Fuckers! Fuckers, fuckers!

Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!

- Out.
- Come on!

- Get out.
- Man!

There's something I've been
meaning to tell you, Heather.

What's that?

It's gonna sound really bad,
but, I want you to know...

You see...

I'm a virgin, and...

Well, me, Kevin,
Jim and Finch were...

We all made this pact

that we would lose our virginity

before high school was over,

and tonight is supposed
to be the night that we all do it.

This isn't the best way
to proposition me.

No, that's...
That's not what I mean.

What I mean is...

Look, do you know what
made me leave that game?

See, Coach, he was giving us
this speech about

not slacking off when you see
the opportunity to score...

This isn't any better, Chris.

No, see... You see, Heather,

what I realised is that with you,

it's not like
I'm running towards a goal

looking for the best way to score.

This may sound a little corny, but,

I feel like I've already won.

And I care about you a lot.

Oz, I know.

You called me Oz.

Well, yeah.

It's what your friends call you.

I mean, I feel like
I'm one of your friends now.

And your girlfriend?

Are you lost?

You're Stifler's mum.

No, no, not lost. Just...

You know, taking the tour.

Hey, thank you for letting us
have this wonderful party.

As if there was an alternative
in the matter.

So, you enjoying yourself?

I'm three sheets
to the wind, ma'am.

I'm so happy for you.

But it takes the edge off,
doesn't it?

Where's your little date tonight?

No date. It was...

It was a bathroom incident.

Pardon me?

Never mind.

You have anything to drink?

I believe the kegs are upstairs.

That is what the cretins drink.

I'm talking about alcohol, liquor.

- The good stuff.
- All right.

I got some scotch.

Single malt?

Aged 18 years.

The way I like it.

Why don't you go grab
a glass from the bar?

I think I should.

Allow me.

You know it's a bitching party.

The Stif-man always
comes through in the clutch.

And then he just
puked his brains out.

- That is a nasty story.
- Yep, I told you.

Do you want to hear a nasty story
of mine? It's sort of sexual.

Yeah! Yeah, let's hear it.

Okay, well, this one time at band camp,
we were playing this game.

I don't know if you know it,
but it's called "Spin the Bottle."

And I had to kiss this guy named
Mark Wander on the lips.

And...
And he plays trombone...

So how do you want to be?

Like, how do you want to do it?

I don't know. How do you?

Like normal style.
The missionary position.

Okay.

Kev?

- Yeah?
- I wanna hear you say it.

Okay.

Victoria...

I love you.

I love you.

Oh. My hair.

You okay?

Yeah. Go slow.

So the end of the story is you

had to kiss the guy
for 20 seconds.

Yes! And he was such a dork.
Everyone laughed at me

but I didn't care
because it was so funny.

I get it.

And this one time at band camp,
I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Excuse me?

What? You don't think
I know how to get myself off?

Hell, that's what
half of band camp is. Sex Ed.

So are we gonna screw soon?
'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

This'll do.

Now, I have two rubbers.
Wear them both. It'll desensitise you.

I don't want you coming
so damn early this time.

What makes you think
that I would come early?

Come on.
I saw you on the net.

Why do you think
I accepted this date?

You're a sure thing.

Yes, I am.

So I said, "This is very obviously
a Piero della Francesca."

So, would you object if I said
that you were quite striking?

Mr. Finch, are you
trying to seduce me?

Yes, ma'am, I am.

You're dead.

- I had no idea you'd be this good.
- Neither did I.

Oh, Finchy. Finch.

- Oh, Stifler's mum, whoa!
- Finchy!

Okay, let's go.

What's my name?
Say my name, bitch!

Michelle, Michelle.

Oh, God.

That was a great night, huh?

Yeah.

I mean, I just can't believe
we had our senior prom.

I know.

It went by so fast.

Yeah, it did.

Kevin?

Next year with you going to Ann Arbor
and me going to Ithaca,

it's not gonna work, is it?

No. Don't say that.

I mean, we could make it work.

- It'll be perfect.
- No, Kevin.

- But...
- See, that's what I've been realising

is that nothing's perfect.

And you can't plan everything.

Well, I guess
you will be pretty far away.

And we'll be on our own,
meeting new people.

Last night, though.

I wasn't lying.

I know.

She's gone.

Oh, my God. She used me.

I was used.

I was used.

Cool!

What's this door locked...

Mum, where's...

Mum? Shit-Break?

Hey, Stifler.

I just gotta say that women,

like a fine wine,
only get better with age.

Of course, I have no basis
for comparison, but...

it was good.

So you almost made it, huh, Oz?

I'll just say that we had
a great night together.

Hang in there, buddy.

You'll get there.

You know, guys,
I think we're falling in love.

Wow.

That's great, man.
That's awesome.

You know what
the coolest thing is, guys?

It's this. You know, right now.

It's true. I mean, after this,
everything's gonna be different.

After getting laid?

After high school.

Here's to the next step.

To the next step.

To the next step.

To the next step.

Sweetheart?