Original subtitles

[Grindah] ♪ Say if I was Jesus... ♪

[Miche] You making your own toast?!

It's easy. Just put butter and that on it.

♪ With the mix with the lighter, mix with the venom of a what? Of a viper, it's MC Grindah ♪

♪ Na-na-na. If I was Jesus, I'd be mixing a lighter ♪

Yeah. Mixing "with" a lighter, but that's still good.

-You seem chirpy today. -Yeah, very chirpy, actually.

Let's just say, things are gonna change around here.

What, are you gonna finish doing them curtains?

They're fine. I've stuck 'em up already with some tape on it.

Well, go on then, what is it? Well...

I've gotta get something sorted, but all I will say...

is that it is something you've always dreamed of.

See you later, girls.

What?! Has he said something to you?

I'm not taking you to school until you tell me.

So many thoughts in my head right now, it's just...

My mind is just seeing images, you know?

It's like I can see the future and I see potential.

-Shall we tell them? -Go on.

Basically, I can exclusively reveal

that Chabsie has opened up his own nightclub,

and we are gonna be having our own very first club night, called...

the Kurupt FM Champagne Steam Rooms.

-Grindah thought of the name. Fucking genius. -Yeah.

Just working on the flyers.

[Grindah] If you go about promoting your night, right,

you're laughing, mate, financially and physically.

I mean, start off small and then you don't know where you will end up.

It's not small, it's gonna be big. It's gonna be a massive, sold-out event.

-Oh, has it sold out? -Not yet, but it will be by the time this goes out.

-Stop...constantly. -Sorry.

-Easy you, man. So today's the first day of our... -[Craig] Dad!

-..promotion campaign. Hold on one sec. -Hello?

-Craig, I'm here, son. -He's on the phone.

The reception keeps cutting out. I can't even hear you.

Give me the phone, Craig. You are such a mess!

Why are you dressed like a farmer?

It's not you who has to deal with it now, is it? Oh, right.

Well, maybe next time just don't get his hopes up in the first place.

You should see his little face. You should.

-It is little. -[mobile bleeps off]

Sorry, love. He says he's got some work he can't turn down.

Sure he'll take you another time.

Maybe, um...

-I could take him if you want. -Take him fishing?

-Yeah. -Eh?

I've been waiting to do this for so long, man!

Just me and you out in mother's nature.

Just roaming the land. Do you know what I mean?

Like two albino bears in the woods.

Just like, making huts out of mud

and drinking our own piss.

-What? -Aren't you meant to be doing something today?

Oh, fuck, yeah! Starting the promotion's campaign.

Put it on ice. I'll call Grindah. He'll understand.

He knows how much you lot mean to me.

[Chabuds] What up? Grindah, how you doing?

I hope you lot like it.

Oh, my God... Oh, my God!

Oh, shit! What's that in my hand?

I've actually added a bottle of champagne by magic.

Mini champers on the page, classy.

That's me there at the bottom. Face a little bit covered.

Chill out, mate. It's not all about you.

Okay, listen, boys, I was going to ask, Deckie.

Is it all right if you give me a hand setting up the club night and that?

-What have I got to go do? -Just a bit of light building work.

No worries. It's all good. He don't mind.

You boys okay with doing the promo side of things?

Of course, mate. Trust me, mate. Me and Steves, yeah,

we on this team spreading the word like chlamydia.

-The dream team! -Fuck Beats, innit?

-Fuck Beats! -Fuck him.

We're gonna be all over Brentford estate. Everyone's gonna know.

-Champagne Steam Rooms... -Oh, for fuck's sake!

There's a hole in my bag.

-Let's hurry up, yeah. -Sorry.

Has anyone got any jaffa tape?

There you go, son.

About to hit the road. Bit of fishing.

Oh, I love fishing.

There's no room in the boot cos of these fucking speakers!

-You're definitely up for this? -Yeah, hundred per cently.

I spoke to Grindah. He was a little bit fuming,

but that's what it's about, innit? Sacrifice.

And right now, I need to take my son fishing.

-I am not your son. -Stepson.

And I'm his guardian, and right now he needs me to guard him.

[speakers pump out loud drum and bass]

It's this thing.

See you later. See you fannies in a bit.

Kuruption! 108.9!

I hope he was joking about drinking his own piss earlier. Wouldn't put it past him.

-Bit of a mad morning for me, really, Angela. -Really. What's been going on?

It's Grindah, yeah. He was acting a bit weird this morning, like sort of suspicious.

-What do you think it is? -I literally don't even know.

Basically, he just said it was something I always dreamed of.

What have you always dreamed of?

I do want to get a hot-tub, but our bathroom's tiny, so...

We've just got a bath.

Oh, my God! Do you think that maybe he's going to propose to me?

Cos we have been together for, like, six years now, so...

That would be amazing. I hope it is that, Miche.

-What do you think?! -What? Like, I dunno, really.

-What's happening? -Basically, me and Angela think

that my boyfriend's about to propose, so...

-No, I was just saying maybe-- -Oh! Congratulations!

-Little Miche, getting married! -Oh, thank you!

-About time. -Oh, God! This is mad, innit?

Amazing! I love a wedding.

Nah, I'm not annoyed at Beats.

Like, doing the promotion is something I'm probably more suited for,

my natural charisma, do you know what I mean?

Like, if he wants to do stuff for his family that's fair enough.

Plus I had a go at him earlier, so I got it out of my system.

I'll show you how it's done.

Hello, girl. Do you want to come to a rave?

-No, thank you. -No?

-Excuse me, do want to come to a Kurupt FM rave? -No, I'm all right, thanks.

Not with me! I meant, do you want to come to my rave? Kurupt FM rave?

-Hello. Thank you. -Thank you.

Are you into garage music? Yeah, is it?

-Steves mate! -No, I mean, everyone's welcome.

Steves mate, come here.

-What the fuck are you doing? -You said give 'em to everyone.

Not everyone. They're not even into garage.

Sorry, you're actually barred.

Don't talk to people any more.

I'm going to hit the shops up, so I can really connect with people, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -I'll see you in a bit.

That's what I mean, man! I've got my own club now. I'm basically Tony Soprano.

Decki, Decki.

Decki, Decki. Chins up.

Decki!

Right, this is my super-club, you know?

My plan is to actually have the champagne cocktail bar here.

I want to use real sand and inflatable palm trees, you know what I mean?

So I made this flow chart. This is a few ideas I've got for the club.

-So you're gonna build it out of this stuff here? -Yeah, you know me, man?

Never underestimate the power of spray painting things gold.

It triples the value instantly, yeah. Check this out.

A bucket. It's a normal bucket, yeah? Now wait.

Instant champagne bucket.

-You still in London when you're in Zone 6? -Yeah.

You see this? The soil is actually fertile,

which means that it's a good area for animals to eat.

You can tell, there's a lot of footprints around here.

-So there's been a lot of activity. Fertile mud. -Hurry up, man!

Oh, well done.

You found the water source.

See that?

That's your water source right there.

Follow that upstream, whenever in doubt,

to find the nearest settlement of locals

that will help you escape to your nearest helicopter evacuation point.

Let's go!

Do they have prawn in there, Craig?

Nature. Could be anywhere in the world right now, do you know what I mean?

Thank you so much for helping me, man.

It's tough doing stuff on your own, you know?

-Being alone. -It's cool, man. Don't worry about it.

Have you ever had your heart broken, Decoy?

What? No, not really.

I mean...

I never thought it would have happened to me.

In the beginning, me and Aldona...

our sexual chemistry was just so intense, you know what I mean?

[sighs] We did some crazy stuff together, you know.

I mean, she was never really into full sex, but...

we did other stuff, man, really disgusting,

really filthy stuff, you know.

-Even confusing at times. -Shall we just get on with this?

Let's crack on, come on. No worries.

Stop, stop, stop. Look.

Just grab it, grab it.

Look, unhook this. Put your finger on there.

Right, now keep it low as well, cos it's a small river.

And then just, as you swing it round, release your finger, like that.

-Then lock this thing back in place, okay? -Okay.

So gently...bam! Release it, release it!

And then just, relax it down there.

You see that? Man's catching fish out here.

-Shall a splash the water to attract them? -No, don't do that.

Oh, fucking hell, man!

Should have warn the high-tops, innit, Craig?

Fucked up my workouts.

You're not supposed to splash. It'll scare them off.

How do you know so much about fish?

You're like that, um, that little kid in Free Willy.

Do you think if SeaWorld hadn't trained Free Willy to jump so high,

he wouldn't have been able to escape?

-What?! -I know. It's a proper head fuck, innit?

Excuse me. Excuse me! You just dropped a flyer, mate!

-You just dropped a flyer. -I don't want it, bruv.

Excuse me, mate. Can I put these up in your window?

Hello, mate. Can I put this in your window for a rave?

No, sorry, mate. No, sorry.

"No, sorry." Well, don't think you'll be let in on the night. I'll remember your face.

Just finish that off, yeah.

-Excuse me. -Sorry.

Great.

[Miche] I've been planning my wedding since the day I was born.

I just don't stop thinking about it, just like any girl does.

And I think, I just want something simple on a beach somewhere with white sand.

Ideally, I'd like to have some white ponies involved,

cos I think that's beautiful. They're graceful animals and they represent love to me.

Yes, I'll probably just, you know, go to the Bahamas

and have a sort of bare-foot wedding on the beach, or something like that.

Stay in one of those well-nice hotels,

where they fold your towel into a little swan or a monkey.

-That'd be amazing! -Your boyfriend will get there one day, so...

-Oh, thank you. -..no need to worry.

Oh, my God! Just everyone act natural.

-Do I look all right? -Oh, yeah, you look really nice.

-He's waiting. Go on, go! -All right.

Give us the broom, Cinderella!

Penny's dropped finally. They've copped on to who I am, yeah?

-It's me. Yeah! -You all right?

Yeah. To be honest, I had a bit of a mare today.

But you know that thing I was talking about earlier.

-You're gonna say it here? -What?

-The thing you were talking about earlier. -Yeah. So, basically...

Oh, my God.

Kurupt FM are having our own club night!

-So was that the thing you were going to tell me earlier? -Yeah.

You don't seem... It's my face!

I was gonna see if you could pop it in the shop window.

So everyone can see it. The other shops have been mugging me off, recently.

-I'll probably need to check with my boss. -Yeah, she'll be fine.

-MC Grindah. -Well, I'll see you later.

Yeah, yeah, cool. All right. Sweet.

See you in a bit, yeah?

-Go on, what did he say? -Oh, no, nothing, like...

He'll probably just, you know, do it tonight, so...

Oh, a wedding! I'm so excited! I love a wedding! Do you love a wedding?

-You look really good together. -Oh, thank you.

-Like, really cute. -Oh, yeah. You're gonna look amazing, Miche.

Got to get quicker with the tape mechanism.

Get one for the postman as well.

If you post a flyer with a little bit of tape on it,

then it will actually stick to a letter and it will go anywhere in the UK.

You don't even know where it's gonna go. You're basically flyering all over the UK.

[director] So did you put a lot of the flyers in post boxes?

Yeah, I put most of the flyers in post boxes, yeah.

I'll build a little Buju Banton.

Don't tell your mum if I let you have some of this.

No, no, no. Of course. Man code, innit?

Exactly.

I do feel like his dad, yeah.

I'm schooling him about girls and life...

and that now, so, yeah, definitely.

Just give it a little tap down.

He's never called me "Dad" to my face,

but I know, in his heart,

he wants to call me "Dad". I can feel it, d'you know what I mean?

I think we nailed it, brother.

Just imagine, this place is gonna be infested

with the high-society crème de la crème-lelle

of Brentford's most beautiful women,

will be in here, spending their money.

High-fliers just waiting for the right guy to come along. Am I right?

Yeah, man. Cool.

Decki, I bet you get a lot of chicks though, innit?

-You must be smashing it hard. -No, not really, man.

Any spares you've got going, send 'em my way, man. Not a problem, brother.

Cos I reckon we're similar types, me and you.

Two peas in a pod, you know? Both obviously exotic.

Both got the lovely cocoa butter skin.

-Obviously, the voluptuous lips, you know? Both bi. -Bi?

Er, like, bi-racial, you know? Mixed race. Cos I'm mixed race, as well.

-I'm half Pakistani, half Indian. -Yeah!

[they laugh] Is that funny?

Oh, yeah! I guess I am pretty... Jokes, yeah? So...

Oh, man! This is great banter, Decoy, man.

We should chill more often, man. What's your number? I'll give you a call, man.

-I'm going to be off, man. -It's cool, man.

We've caught one fish in, like, time.

I reckon if I wade, just catch 'em.

-I'm stuck in quicksand. -It's cool. I've got it.

When sleeping in the wild, you wanna be elevated off the ground.

Cos predators... You're an easy catch,

specially if there's bears or mountain lions.

So best thing to do is be propelled up.

-Bye, you lot. See you later. -Ooh, hold on, hold on!

[cheering and applause]

Just a little something from us to say good luck tonight.

Oh, wow! Thank you. I mean, he might not even do it, so...

We might have to think about taking you on permanent contract,

now you've got a wedding to save up for. Trial period's nearly up.

That'll be amazing. Thank you, everyone!

-You must be so excited! -Yeah.

I can't wait to see the ring tomorrow.

Just overwhelmed, aren't you? Look at her little face. She's overwhelmed.

-Look at her. Ah! -Oh, yeah.

Well, I want every detail tomorrow. Yeah, girls?

We want to know all about it. Have a lovely evening.

-Good luck! -Bye!

Start planning outfits. I love a wedding.

Gonna have to buy a fascinator.

Yeah. It's gonna be such a great night for her.

[Grindah raps]

Are we gonna do that advert soon?

Are you lot ready for this bit, yeah?

Trust me. Graveyard adverts are like the pinnacle of why people go to raves, innit?

You don't need to be flyering and all that bollocks.

If they listen to this, they'll want to go.

-Jamaican Dutch. Don't fuck it up. -No, I've got it.

♪ Kurupt FM proudly presents the Champagne Steam Rooms sessions! ♪

♪ The finest in old school garage and drum and bass sounds ♪

♪ Tickets will be available on the door... ♪

Steves, that's not... You need to be more Jamaican Dutch. Do it like Beats does it.

♪ Tickets will be available on the door or via the Worldwide Internet Cabin Café! ♪

Still... That's too Dutch, if anything. You're not getting it.

-♪ In arena... ♪ -There's no arenas! That's... It's one room.

[mobile bleeps]

Is that...someone that wants to go to the rave?

No, it's just... Chabuds wants Decoy's number.

Sort of good that we only got one fish, really.

Cos this is fucking long.

Ever thrown a deodorant can in a fire before?

Yeah, course. Me and Grindah invented that shit.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

-Have you got any deodorant cans? -Not on me, no.

There you go.

Fry, little Nemo.

Look at that. Chargrilled.

It's nice of your mum to have packed this for us, so we didn't go hungry and that.

Here you go, Craig.

I can't do this, man.

I might go supermarché.

-Shall I go? -Yeah.

Yeah? Sick, man! There's one up the road.

-All right? -All right?

When's Beats coming back? Cos his phone's off.

He's probably just got shit reception where he his. I'm sure they're fine.

-But I'll let him know you were asking after him. -All right, sweet.

Not in a weird way or anything. Just...

Obviously, cos of the promo thing, he might wanna know what's going on.

-It's his fault as well. -All right, well...

-I'll let him know. -Cool, cool.

It's just that I've been having a pretty rough time...

-All right, see you later. -See you later.

Mm!

I love watching you eat.

Bought you a little present as well.

There you go.

Happy days.

-All right? -All right?

-I've had the longest day, like. -Have you?

Yeah. What's this?

Prosessio? Prosessi-ya-yo?

Is that...

for the club night, for me?

-Yeah... -Least someone thinks about me.

-See what I mean? -Yeah. Cos it's called Champagne Steam Rooms, so...

I thought you'd probably want some...champagne.

Champagne! Ah! That's fucking clever as well.

-What's that as well? -Oh, that's just a garnish.

Yeah, stylish.

[sighs] Thanks, Miche. Sometimes it's just the little things in life

-that keep you going. -Yeah.

You know?

-Right, you ready? -Yeah.

-Shall I throw it? -Yeah.

-[hissing] -It's gonna blow.

Woah! Fucking hell!

-That looked sick. -That was sick, innit?

It's like a firework, but more fragrant.

-Yeah. -Sick.

Ah!

-There you go. -Cheers, Dad.

Cheers, son.

I fucking love fishing.

Where do you think you're going? Come on, come on, spill the beans!

-Come on... -Show it! Show it! Show it!

Oh, my word! It's so nice!

No, it's actually really thoughtful, yeah.

It's literally the one I wanted, so, yeah.

-So tell us everything. How did he propose? -Oh, how did he propose?

Well, basically, he got down on one knee

and then he just, you know, looked up and he said,

-"Will you marry me?" -Oh! Was it romantic?

God, yeah, it was so romantic.

Cos then everyone just started clapping.

-Where were you? -God, where were we?

-Yeah... We were in a shop. -Oh, which shop, which shop?

-Details! -Which shop, yeah?

-We were in Morrison's, yeah. -Oh!

Cos that's where we do our weekly shop, so, yeah,

just really meant something to us. We were in the tins aisle.

-Oh, are you made up, Miche? -Yeah.

Looks gorgeous. Look at your lovely, dainty hands.

Wedding! I love a wedding.

Right, we need to get you under the dryer, missus.

-You all right with the bags, mate? -Yeah.

-Roche! -Here they are!

-Aah! -How was your night in the wild, also known as Uxbridge?

Yeah, never been to Zone 6 before.

So it was an experience, trust me.

-There you go, son. -Cheers.

I see myself as a dad, yeah. It's funny, innit?

Cos obviously it didn't come out of me.

I'm actually more mature in my fashion sense as well.

Obviously, you can tell with the fleece. I bought this when I moved in.

This is a more mature look. So it's what a dad would wear.

I'm going more "Dad", even fashion-based now these days.

-Tell her what you caught, son. -Oh, it wasn't anything. Just a tiddler really.

Fishing weren't that good round that part of the river.

We still had a good laugh though, innit?

[director] Does Beats have his priorities stretched?

It's a bit irresponsible the way he's, "Oh, I've got to do my family and that."

Beats should just be on point, radio, radio, radio.

That should be his life, cos one day it's gonna make him a millionaire off the back of me.

Right, Kurupt FM radio meeting.

24th of the... Like, whatever the date is, basically.

Deckie, my brother!

-Full house! -Ah, Mr Beats.

Glad you could join us, finally.

-What's happening, man? -Nothing's happening. Go and take your post.

Right, the promotions, obviously, ain't been working, yeah?

So we've got to think of another way of attacking people.

[Steves] I think I've got something, actually.

Subliminal messages in the music.

Lot of use that is, mate! Just shut up!

Quiet down, man.

Mm. I was thinking more of you, mate,

-as you've done nothing to the promotions so far. -Yeah.

[Grindah] Basically, yeah, if you want to promote yourself, you've got to be out there.

On the ground, like, handing out flyers,

telling people what you're about, showing them that you're a bad boy MC.

If we want people to love you, then put the effort in.

Don't just fuck about with your family all day.

-[drum and bass plays] -♪ Champagne Steam Rooms!

♪ Is the session! 11th of April! ♪

♪ In the dimension! ♪

Beats, mate! Beats, mate! Come on, hurry up!

Those people there! Those people there!

As many people as possible, mate!

[he raps]

[Grindah] Easy brother, hold tight the Brentford mandem!

-Can I get back in the wheels? -Just gonna spin it round one more time, all right?

There are so many things in my life, you know, uh,

perfume, weapons, peanut dust.

But the hardest thing to sell is humans.

Like being at the beach, innit?

Not like in a human trafficking way, that's pretty easy with the right connections.

But like selling yourself, self-promotion.

The boys are out there right now on the streets

and they're selling themselves and I'm proud of them.

-Is it a rave, yeah? -Yeah, yeah, it's our rave.

-They fucking love it! -The whole of Brentford loves it!

They're just staring at me! They love it. Everyone's looking at me!

♪ Hold tight the Brentford crew insane! ♪

♪ I sees ya! Remember, remember, the 11th of April! ♪

♪ It's the Champagne Steam Rooms session! It's gonna be a slammer! ♪