Original subtitles

Stevie!

I'm going to shoot off, mate. Yeah, yeah.

I've topped up your snack bowl. All right, mate? Sweet, bruv.

Just locking him in to keep him safe.

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

You know, business is going great at the moment.

I have my T-shirt business, I have my internet cabin cafe business.

But the hardest business to manage is the business of love, you know?

I will wait for Aldona for as long as it takes.

If she needs to blow off a bit of steam and a bit of my money,

then that's her business.

It's good to blow off steam, there's no shame in that.

It's healthy.

First one in, last one to leave.

Shows that I'm dedicated, though. So...

BEEPING

I am a bit tired today, though.

So, why are you tired?

Grindah's got insomnia cos of the weed drought,

so he just kept waking me up through the night to check

if I'd gone to sleep yet and asking me for glasses of water and that.

Bless him.

Danger. How's it going, mate? You all right?

Yeah, still doing the radio stuff.

Just wanted to know if you've got anything at the moment.

He will buy a zoot, like, literally, it's that bad.

Obviously I can function without weed, but I choose not to

because if I don't smoke, I start getting headaches,

worrying about everything.

Like, "Aah! I got bills to pay."

Or, "Aah, someone's going to cut off whatever if I don't pay it now."

Weed helps you forget all that.

Alfa Danger's got nothing, man.

Fuck's sake.

Decoy, come on, mate, you must be able to get something.

You're a Rasta, for fuck's sake, come on. I'm not a Rasta.

Course you are. Just cos you ain't got the long hair and that.

Don't sell yourself short, Decoy.

Sometimes I really think it's wasted on him.

There she is! You did it! Congratulations!

Oh, thank you! Ooh! Thank you. Yes!

Look at it! Aw, it looks brilliant.

Angela's just passed her Level 1 hairdressing certificate. Great!

Doesn't really need to be framed...

'Well, Angela's been here a bit longer than me

'but we are both trainee hairdressers'

and so basically what that means

is we are training to become hairdressers.

I mean, obviously the big dream is to have my own beauty range

with my face on it.

I'm probably aiming a little bit higher than her.

Cos, not being funny, but I don't think her face would really work

for a beauty range.

Because today's a special day, I've got you with Susan all day.

You're going to be working on colours. Oh, my God.

Are you serious? Yeah, you deserve it! You worked really hard.

You all right, Miche? Yeah. Good girl. I'm just sweeping.

Actually, Miche, I've got a nail appointment in about 20 minutes.

I can do that, yeah.

Oh, not do the appointment.

I was just thinking, if you could clear up in the treatment room.

I did a couple of Brazilians in there yesterday.

Yeah. OK. It's a bit of a state in there.

Good lad, good lad.

That's it, good guy.

Stevie, you're a machine, man, you don't bloody stop!

I did actually try and stop but the door was, like, locked.

Probably jammed or something.

Anyway, listen, you're a free man now!

And tomorrow these T-shirts are going to be

all the talk of Hounslow high street.

D&G T-shirts at half the retail price of Dolce and Gabbana.

D&G.

Deepak and Gurdev have a right to make their own T-shirts too, man.

I mean... Oh, mate, we are going to make so much money, man!

We are? Do I get paid or anything?

So, let's see how much that is.

So round it up, obviously,

cash-flow, net profit, take away the working tax credit.

Let's round it up to a tenner.

Ah, rounded it up as well. There we go.

£10, just for that!

I'll keep that safe.

That's actually safer than a wallet

cos you can't really lose your socks while they're on.

All right, man, I'm going to do one.

Have a nap, mate. He hasn't slept for, like, four days.

Oh...

Going to have to have a scud zoot.

Got a few crumbs here. Found anything?

Tiny bit of resin, couple of seeds

from that bush-weed Steves had as well.

Did you ever used to watch Blue Peter back in the day? Nah.

Maybe we could bury bare weed in a time capsule

and put it in the garden.

Or we could bury these seeds in a plant pot?

We could grow our own.

That is sick! Yeah. We'd never have a drought again!

Yeah. We could even call it the Kurupt FM Weed Farm!

We could put it in the bathroom, as well,

it'd be like a natural air freshener.

You could, like, bill a zoot whilst taking a shit! Proper luxurious.

I would love that.

Have you ever grown weed before?

Well, you know, I mean, it's not something

we can actually talk about on camera, you know what I mean? Nah.

But let's say if you had a helicopter

with a heat sensitive camera on,

floating over the top of Kurupt, you'd know what time it is.

Exactly. That's all we're saying.

So you have?

That's all we're saying. My lips are sealed.

Exactly. So are mine.

Aldona?!

Oh, my...

Baby?! I'm so sorry! You came back!

Where the fuck have you been? I was so worried.

I can't even describe it!

There's no words, it's like...

All the doubters were doubting me, and, like, they all said

"Oh, you're crazy!"

And you know what? Maybe I am!

But the voices in my head were telling me,

"Just end it all, mate, you're a failure!

"There's no point, what's the point, mate?

then I'm bloody mental batshit crazy, mate!

Lock me up!

Your hair's looking in really good condition. That's good.

Really good, considering you're getting coloured and stuff.

You must condition it a lot. Just keep doing what you're doing.

I think you might have missed a bit there, Angela?

So, did you actually find the course useful, then?

Yeah, it was really good, actually.

I feel like hairdressing was a bit more of a natural talent for me.

I don't really need to do a course.

I just did it cos you need the qualification, don't you?

If you're going to cut hair in a salon and that.

Yeah, no. I'm doing one at the moment, actually.

I was just saying that I don't NEED one.

Where did you do yours? Hammersmith.

Oh, all right, you went for a local one.

Yeah - why, where did you do yours?

Well, mine's actually international.

Really? Whereabouts?

The internet.

An online course, but the internet's based in America, so...

Well, I haven't started the online course yet,

but I'm in the enrolment process,

so I've started my online application.

I've put in my e-mail address and my name and that kind of thing,

I just need to put in my payment details and then I'll be good to go.

You've had two already! Sorry, mate. Three tokes!

Yes, you lot. Yes, Steves.

Is that a zoot?

Nah, there's only a tiny bit left.

Plus there's a weed drought, you know the rules, mate.

I've got a tenner though.

Your tenner's completely pointless, Steves. Fuck's sake.

Anyway, we're going to start a Kurupt FM Weed Farm, so...

Can't Decoy or anyone get anything?

In front of these boys. I think you need to go out

and get us the stuff for the weed farm, Steves.

We need to get plant pots, soil and 3D lights as well, yeah?

UV, innit? Same thing, mate. You hear that?

Allow me, man... I've literally just, like... I've just got in.

Steves, mate. You don't deserve to relax

after your little racist outburst.

You're not wanted around here for a bit.

What's said is said, mate, all right?

What even is UV? I cannot believe that.

You know back in the day, sort of Game of Thrones times,

they always had a stupid idiot that would work for them.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

Hold it down, hold it down.

Powerful people always have idiots around them to help them do things.

Why spend a tenner when you can get it for free, like?

Free soil, as well.

I need something to put these in.

Ah, just doing a bit of recycling.

So, is Steves trustworthy?

He's like a dog -

he'll follow you about, but have no idea what's going on.

Take that one, as well. Cover that up.

And a gnome. What you doing?

Oi! Sorry! Oi! Sorry!

Think we need some new magazines, actually.

Just got you a tea, so I'll pop it down here.

Miche?

Miche?

Can you get any bud? What?

Draw! Can you get any draw?

No, I don't know anyone that can get any draw.

Mum's not with Jason any more. Ask one of these lot, then.

They're my work colleagues. They don't even know I smoke!

What?! They'll think you're cool, if anything.

I'll get fired.

There's already this girl who's basically after my job.

I've had an absolute brainwave, mate!

Listen, I ain't got time to talk about your new work friends.

UV. There. I'm not really into that, mate.

Yeah, but for the weed farm - it's for the lights.

Hold on. We can use that for the weed farm. Exactly, yeah.

What time do they close?

What time do they close, seven?

Five. Sweet. Yeah, we'll get him on it.

Ah, mate, see - I knew there was a reason for us coming here.

'Got UV lights.'

I have been telling everyone,

I've been saying that Aldona is coming back,

you know, you'll see, you'll see.

So, Aldona, you were at a funeral?

Erm, yes.

My, erm... My father.

He is dead.

Great man, a great man.

Yes. I don't want anything. No money. Just you.

OK! That can be arranged. That can be arranged.

I must warn you, though, I haven't shaved or anything.

If I knew that you were coming, I would've at least got the back,

sack and crack tidied up a little bit.

So, it might get a little bit jungley in there.

She's back. The power couple are back.

Like Jay Z and Beyonce, she's brown as well, look at her.

Look how brown she is, just show the camera. Look, brown.

Jay Z, Beyonce, isn't it? Kanye West, Kim K.

You are locked into the sounds... ..of the legendary...

..man like MC Grindah.

And the one and only...DJ Beats.

Show them what time it is, Grinds.

One, two, three-four-five, once I caught a fish alive.

Then I came down with the garage vibe. Rip it up!

Nah, I can't get down with the garage vibe, I'm not lean enough.

I knew this would happen.

Sounded good to me, mate. Don't let your brain control you, innit.

It's not just my brain.

It's like my whole body's weak, I'm on meltdown mode.

So, Grindah and Beats have found these little seeds.

Insert that, and just do that for all of them.

This is a Kurupt FM emergency broadcast. It's a warning.

If you are listening, yeah, we need some draw now, yeah?

If you can get draw then call the phone line number.

Yes. Any draw will do. Thai weed, hash, shit holiday draw.

Literally anything. We will pay full price, top dollar.

Stop. Why did you say that?

I'm ready. Weed farm ready to go.

Time for someone to start doing shit round here, yeah?

See you lot in a bit.

Come on, mate.

Wait! Wait there, wait.

Chill out.

Do I have to wait here?

Shall I come in now? Come in. Quick! Get in, get in!

No-one's seen us. Chill out.

No-one can know that you've been here, all right?

I really don't want to lose this job before I've even got it.

Miche. We need this weed farm.

You need this weed farm, all right?

Nothing's going to happen, no-one's going to know.

If someone does find out, we'll just blame it on Steves,

he can take the rap, all right?

I've got less to lose. Exactly.

All right, I'll show you where the sunbeds are.

Cos no-one can know you're here. It's cool, I quite like the dark.

I went blind off ketamine one time for, like, three hours,

and I quite liked it, to be honest. It gave me time to think.

Is he definitely going to be all right? Yeah, probably.

Yeah, good shout. Locking it.

TV BLARES IN POLISH

CHABUDDY SIGHS

Completely smooth down there now, completely smooth.

It was a right bloody mess before!

Is it all right if I...? Mm. Yeah?

Oh, yeah!

What do you see in the future for you and Aldona?

Oh, for the future, I see a lot of biracial kids, mate, yeah.

A lot of beige little fuckers running around, you know?

A lot of Chabulskas, Chabuddy-Bulskas,

loads of Chabulskas, Ukip's nightmare, mate.

I'm breeding it, mate, it's a beige future.

With loads of little Polishstani little fuckers running around, mate.

Imagine, it's just going to be beetroot and curry everywhere,

loads of builders and loads of corner shops, mate.

That's the army I'm building.

Are they to film, or... Oh.

OK, guys, get the hint, I think it's time for you to go.

We need some alone time.

Listen, guys, I think I'm pretty much guaranteed penetration here.

So, if you want to...

Hurry up, get out! Come on, go! Get out of here!

So, more drink?

Na zdrowie. Na zdrowie.

I think Craig's up.

Hello, Craig, mate, how's it going? All right? Yeah.

What you doing? Just playing a bit of computer and that, yeah? Mm.

Don't suppose any of your mates smoke bud, do they?

I'm just trying to link it for a friend of mine.

No, there's a weed drought at the moment.

You don't have a scud zoot or a little chip I could have?

just to help me get to sleep?

I thought you said it was for your mate. For my mate to get to sleep.

You know what? Fuck it, man. It's for me.

I've been blazing since I was 15 years young.

Nonstop, everyday. So I feel a bit fucked, because of the drought.

It's really good to have these chats with you, man.

It's really good to open up to each other.

You know?

I'm going to shoot off to bed, I'll see you in the morning, yeah?

Enjoy your game.

Fuck, how am I going to sleep?

Nah, I wouldn't bank on it, anyway, he's pretty shit with phones.

What if he wants to get out? Nah.

What if he's in there and he's freaking out

and panicking and he's trying to ring you

but can't cos his phone's broke and then he's crying... Allow all that.

I'm too ill to be worrying about all this.

I'm sure he'll be fine, worst case scenario

he'll just smash his way out of the shop front window or whatever.

Yeah, I'm just a little bit worried about that happening.

Oh, my days! Selecta! Decoy's uncle's come through with the food, cuz.

That means weed in English.

I'm meeting his uncles tomorrow, they're Jamaican! Sick!

Yeah, so, do you think we should pop out and get Steves now, then?

Nah, still let him do it,

because it's planning for the future and all that.

Man's making them Jamaican links out 'ere! You get me!

SINGS IN JAMAICAN PATOIS

Innit? Ah, mate.

So shall we give Steves a call now?

No, no, no, ringing Beats to make a reggae mix

for the journey tomorrow, obviously.

It might help if you kept the line clear, though, just so Steves can...

Beats! It's Grindah.

Right, two words - reggae mix.

Yeah, no, make a reggae mix for tomorrow on CD.

All right, see you later.

That's the motherland, Jamaica, that's where everyone

comes from, whether you're white or black.

Because what happened was, this big stone banged into the world, yeah?

Because the world was just one, like, bit of land.

And there was just dinosaurs and that.

And dinosaurs and that, and then it exploded and the dinosaurs

and the land got separated, but originally the stone was Jamaica.

Hello? Hello?

Is everything all right?

You lot are pricks.

Everywhere I go, just, "Oh, let's just lock Steves in,

"he doesn't matter, he's just a little mug, lock him in."

Sorry, Steves.

Oh, no. I knew it.

He's broken Angela's frame.

Oh, it's actually fine.

"Oooh, I've done a course." Level 1 basic bitch.

KNOCKING

Oh, I must have fully passed out last night.

It was a bit of a... Bit crazy.

Did you guys...

Did you guys move the Merc?

Where's the Merc?

Did you guys see anything?

Aldona? Aldona? Did you...

Aldona? Aldona, did you...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, I've been robbed!

The computers, the printer.

Oh, my...!

The foot spa!

And they've taken Aldona!

Move! Move!

Aldona!

All right? Jamaica.

The land of wood and water.

Can't bloody wait to meet your uncles, mate. Heard a lot about them.

Is it? Are they the laid back type, or...?

Yeah, they're all right with non-Rastas as well, right?

What? Nah, man. You lot have got it twisted, man.

Shall I put on the reggae mix?

Yeah, yeah, put the little reggae mix on. Get me in the frame of mind.

MUSIC: Murderer by Barrington Levy

THEY SING ALONG

BASS BOOMS

"I'm sorry. You deserve better. I will never bother you again.

"Aldona."

You know what? I'm starting to wonder

if maybe she was the person who stole all of my stuff.

Or maybe this is part of some sort of role-playing game,

and maybe she actually wants me to hunt her down.

She put a kiss at the end of the note, so maybe that...

I think it's actually over for good now.

Is it all right if we leave it there?

Yeah?

Can someone get the door?

Grindah! Can you get the...

Hurry up, you freak. Why's the child lock on?

It's this way, man. Yep. Yeah.

This way, innit? Yep. Yeah, yeah.

Quite a low-key operation, this. Ssssh.

Obviously you lot are going to have to wait here, yeah?

Cos it's bare yardies and that, so...

Man, they're not yardies.

Yardies, Rastas, whatever. Stop putting a label on everything.

It's going to be sick. Yeah. Trust me, on the reload.

Done low.

Remember, it's "Selassie-I" when you enter. All right.

Do you have to bow or anything?

You can see, they already look a little bit healthier.

See that?

It's like just my arms have been on holiday.

Together.

That was fucking shit! You said they were Rastas!

Nah, I didn't man. You just assumed that.

Anyway, they're from my dad's side, man.

You should have said they were white. What does that matter?

He wasn't even listening to reggae.

He was listening to rock music, for fuck's sake. Isn't even close.

Main thing is we reloaded, though, innit?

"Murderer" RESUMES

Have you ever been to Jamaica?

Not in person. Not in person, but in soul.

In spirit. In spirit.

We bring that little bit of Jamaica to Brentford,

do you know what I mean?

So, in that form, to us, yeah, everywhere is Jamaica.

Maybe we should get our own UV lights.

Save going round Miche's work.

Nah, don't bother.

The drought's over, mate.

Yeah, but what about preparing for the future? For next time?

Nah. We'll be all right. We'll find some. We always do.

I think we've been overthinking it a little bit too much

this whole time, do you know what I mean?

Just need to chill out. Smoke some of that.

We'll never stop blazing, ever.

Ever. Because even if the world was to end, flowers still grow.

Like a rose from the concrete.

Sounds like something I'd come up with.

I could chip in for this one, actually.

Still got my tenner from earlier that Chabuds paid me.

It's all right.

It's all dissolved into the sock.

Is it all right to still blaze a little bit of it?

Yeah, we'll save you a little bit at the end.

We'll leave you the roaches.

Do you reckon they'd still accept it if it's like that?

BOTH: Yeah, you'll be fine.