Original subtitles

♪ Hype, hype, riddim, riddim! Hype, hype, riddim, riddim! ♪

♪ Hype, hype, riddim, riddim! Hype on the riddim, it's a boom seleck! ♪

♪ Hype on the riddim, it's a boom seleck! ♪

♪ Hype on the riddim, it's a boom seleck! ♪

-It's DJ Beats right now. -It's MC Grindah right now.

-And what time is it, Grinds? -It's about grime time!

[director] What's changed since we were last here?

Um, subs have gone up 50p.

-Innit? -Yeah.

Decoy's got a new exhaust fitted.

Yeah. Sounds like an aeroplane.

[exhaust growls]

[director] You think you've got more listeners now?

Yeah, I'd say we're at least on double figures now.

-Oh, yeah. -Per show.

-Max. -At least. Max.

-At least, yeah. -At least max, yeah.

-♪ B stands for brutality - I said E ♪

-♪ Stands for the energy -I said A ♪

-♪ Stands for Audi -I say T ♪

-♪ Audi TT -T! ♪

-♪ Guaranteed -T! ♪

♪ Riding the beat -T! ♪

[both] ♪ T! ♪

Have you got more attention now you've got the beard?

A lot of attention from the beard, yeah.

Getting a lot of the mums down Green Dragon,

do you know what I mean, checking me out and that, yeah.

Cos they know I'm on telly, so they think I got bare money.

But I ain't, cos you lot don't give us no money.

[Grindah] Miche!

-You get it! -Miche!

Oh. They're 'ere!

All right, boys. What's going on?

[Miche] It's a big day, big event for all of us. It's exciting.

Angel becoming a Christian is probably the biggest event

she's ever been through, other than being born.

-So, yeah, it's pretty big. -[director] Are you a Christian?

I'm not technically christened, but I'm a very spiritual person.

And I think I have Christian morals.

Like, I love Christmas, for example.

I love everything about Christmas - getting presents, eating loads of food,

so I think I do believe in God in that way, yeah.

Miche! Do you know where my Avirex is?

You've... Miche, there's glitter all over it.

Oh, sorry. I've been doing T-shirt designs.

It's hectic, it gets everywhere.

They should have more christening emoticons, shouldn't they?

What I've done is like a baby's head with some water splashes

and then a church. Like, what else?

I dunno. Just, like, smiley face or...

-A gun? -Why a gun?

-Godfather, innit? -Love that.

See ya later.

Basically, yeah, when you get christianed,

-you need a godfather. -Godfather.

So it's a very important decision I have to make.

And it's going to be someone who's very close to me...

-Yeah. -..and someone who's loyal.

It's out of Decoy and Beats.

But...

I thought it was going to be me.

Well, we'll see. Whoever's the most deserving out of them two.

-Congrats, mate. You're in the running. -Yeah, but...

-You've made it to the finals. -Oh, it's the finals?

-Yeah. -Oh, sick!

-Lean back. -Huh?

-Lean back. -Oh, that's lovely, that is.

-Cheers, mate. -It's all right.

See that?

[director] And what are you doing here?

So these are designs for Angel's christening T-shirt.

It's so everyone can have a sort of memento from the day.

-Oh? -I did GCSE Art.

So, yeah, just using the skills and techniques I picked up from then.

This is just a sketch. It'll look a lot better when a professional's done it.

Oh, shit!

Conquered the snack world, conquered the DJ world,

the rig-doctoring world, been there, done that,

and now I'm printing the T-shirt.

Designer T-shirt PRINTING!

It's emphasis, you know.

-The first lady of Kurupt FM enters. -All right?

-How you doing? -All right, yeah. Thanks so much for this.

I was going to go Snappy Snaps, but Grindah said you could do it cheaper.

Yeah, I've actually got my own printing machine here.

-Pretty? -Printing machine, so...

-Pretty...? -Printing, printing machine.

Oh, right, yeah. Printing machine, yeah, course.

I got it off Uncle Bobby. Yeah, he told me that it's like a 3D printer,

but 2D, so you actually save on energy.

-It's so big! -That's what they all bloody say.

Yeah, when it comes to fashion, I'm always one step ahead.

Sometimes, people look at me strangely and wonder what I'm wearing.

These are actually women's boots.

I like the heel on them, I like the texture of them.

They're very silky smooth, easy clean.

The jacket is real halal lambskin leather,

blessed by the guy at the mosque.

Okay, so I've sketched out a sort of family portrait.

Obviously, this is rough, so the final product will need to be sort of more classy,

but with that sort of essence of heaven. Like, does that sound okay?

Yeah, definitely. Listen, I can handle anything. I'm a self-made guy, you know.

I came here in '93 with nothing but £5 and my brother's passport.

MY passport.

Definitely my passport.

[MC Grindah raps]

♪ Up and down She's rubbing it ♪

♪ What's that? Yeah, she's loving it ♪

♪ I said up and down She's rubbing it ♪

♪ Up and down She's rubbing it ♪

♪ Up and down She's rubbing it. To be fair ♪

-♪ She's loving it ♪ -She always bloody does, to be fair.

-Do you know what I mean? -They always do, mate!

[director] So what makes a good godfather?

Boy, a good godfather is someone that is...

-That listens. -Listens.

-Um...is loyal. -Loyal.

-Um...looks out for people. -For people.

-Keeps themselves to themselves. -To themselves.

-You're talking over me. -Sorry.

That's minus one in the godfather chart, mate.

See that, Decoy, mate? You need to step your levels up, mate.

Keep going.

Yeah, that's fine.

To be honest, like, the whole godfather thing, like, it don't really bother me.

I'm always there for them, innit, so if they ever need me,

then I'm there, either way.

[director] Why do you care about them so much?

That's a bit of a weird question, to be honest, like...

I'm just there, innit. They're like...family.

Right, so this is just mine and Angel's dance routine, obviously in the early stages,

but we'll just show you where we've got to so far.

-[music plays] -And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Remember tits and teeth.

Decoy, stand back a bit.

Right, so I've toned down the dance routine.

We don't need a dance routine.

Yeah. No, sure. Absolutely, yeah. We can see how it goes on the day.

Cos we're ready either way, aren't we, Ange?

Five, six, seven, eight and lasso. And round and round.

And round. Shimmy down.

-Can we just try and keep it simple? -Lasso, lasso.

Miche, stop going over the top with everything.

Do you remember the gun fingers I taught you?

Don't confuse her, she's got to remember the christening routine.

No, she doesn't! Angel, don't do a routine!

Right, so I've sorted the T-shirts.

Uh, what else, what else? Ooh! Do you want to see her christening dress?

-Angel, are you looking forward to getting christianed? -Yes.

You know you're going to have a new godfather tomorrow, yeah?

Which means you will always have a guardian to protect you

throughout your tiny life. Yeah?

Ideally, though, I suppose he needs to be somebody

that has experience of actually being a legal guardian.

Innit? She agreed. Angel agreed with me!

Isn't that a bit much?

No, cos this way she could re-use it later on in life.

I got a couple of sizes bigger so maybe within the next 18 months to two years,

she could use it as a bridesmaid's dress.

No, cos we don't know anyone that's getting married and... Let's just change the subject.

Oh! This brings me back.

Hit me, Angel. Hit me.

Hit me!

Hit me. Angel, hit me!

Oh! We're having a great time. We're having a great time!

[Roche] Yeah, I do think Kevin would make a good godfather.

I mean, he's got a lot of things going for him.

Kids love him, he's a lot of fun.

He can be a right old laugh,

cos he's really on their level, mentally.

-Right, now you're both dead. -I'm not!

She seems a bit fonder of Decoy, but I think that's cos she sees more of him.

Uh...you know.

Put that on there. Okay.

And down...

it goes.

-[phone rings] -Yes. Yeah, Aldona!

Hello? Aldona?

Yeah, all right, come round later.

Yeah, come and get it later, man.

It's bloody Abdi, innit? He forgot his scarf. I thought it was Aldona.

-[director] So where is Aldona? -She's very spontaneous.

Sometimes she'll just head out for a couple of months

and she'll come back with, you know, my credit card. Hopefully, this time, Aldona!

You know, she's like a bloody sexy, slutty Frisbee.

You know, I throw her away sometimes. She'll always come back, mate.

It's all banter, you know. Banter, banter.

No, please come back, Aldona.

So do you know who the godfather's going to be, then?

I feel like it has to be Beats, surely?

Cos, you know, I think he'd be really good, like caring and thoughtful.

Well, you still got Decoy in the running.

I just think it feels a bit weird Decoy being the godfather.

-Why would it be weird? -Oh, I dunno.

Oh, Miche, come on! Get with the times. It's the 21st century, all right?

-Skin colour does not matter. -Oh, my God! No, I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying, he's around a lot already.

-That's a good thing. -Oh, my God, Chapatti's here!

-Hello. -Special delivery for Lady Miche.

-Can I have a look? -You may.

Killed it.

-Smashed it. -Oh, my God. Chapatti...

I think I hate them.

This is ruined! [she sobs]

What the fuck's she going on about? Miche!

-Tell him to fuck off! -It glitters.

-Fucking hell, mate. Jesus! -Classy.

I'm not having her crying all through my godfather announcement, all right?

Right, we need to think of something.

Here's what we're going to do. You bosh out some T-shirts, something simple.

-Just like a picture of Angel and the date. -Okay, cool.

-So what are you going to do? -What do you mean?

No, I thought you were going to say, "And I'll do this and that".

Mate, I've got a very important, life-changing decision

to make, yeah, about my daughter, who's getting christianed.

I ain't got time to be fucking around with you and that. Sweet.

Cool.

Delegations. You know what I mean?

For fuck's sake, how do you do this? Miche!

Miche!

[she sobs] Go away!

I need help with my tie. I can't clip it on.

[director] Are you big into your religion?

No, we're not really religious sort of people.

I'd say, personally, if I was to choose one I related to,

-I'd probably be Rasta. -Would they do christenings?

Yeah. They do their own sort of tip, where they all go into,

like, a mountain in Jamaica and just all sit in a massive tent,

-relaxing and blazing all night. -Yeah.

-That's nice. -Thank you.

I thought the pink looks quite nice, doesn't it, with the brown of the cross?

Ah, Miche gets proper weird around churches.

She starts banging on about marriage constantly.

I don't see why she'd want me and her to be related.

If anything, I think that would put me off wanting to do anything with her.

It's basically incest, innit?

So do you do any sort of loyalty discounts here then?

-You mean for other events? -Yeah, like weddings or...

Well, weddings are a slightly different case because, for a wedding,

you have to be a member of the congregation.

See the mic situation? Is it wireless based or is it...?

-We don't have mics, sorry. -No mics?

-No worries, I've got my own. -All right, okay.

Just so you know, your friend is down there.

-He's been here all night. -Oh, for fuck's sake. Steves!

-Steves! Wake up, you mess! -I got your text message.

Did I miss the cremation?

Nah, you got a good 20 minutes left.

-Sorry, can I help you? -Ah! You have got a mic.

Well, it's for... We use this for, sort of, big services.

This is going to be a big service. How do you...?

Pop that in there for me, please, mate. Go on.

-Well... -Come on. No, out the way.

Woah! We're gonna have to get this removed.

-[Steves] Is there anything I can be sick into? -Yeah, there's loads of stuff.

Here you go.

-Cheers, man. -It's all right, mate. We'll wash it.

That's not going to be enough. Is there a bigger one?

[Steves] Nah, I wouldn't say I got a drug problem.

I've got the opposite of a drug problem, to be honest.

I've got no problem with drugs whatsoever.

I'll try anything.

-We gather in the front. -Yeah, yeah. You've got everyone sitting there.

I'll probably pop you off to the side there.

-I'm by the font, normally. -Yeah? No, that's good.

Good, good, good, good, good.

There it is.

You're going to get christianed in there.

That's where you're going to meet God!

Not if you don't make it down the stairs in them heels, Carol!

Just wiggle in. Come here. Let me look at you, darling.

Ah, that's nice.

Here she is! Look at the princess! Ah!

Your shirt's untucked. Is he looking?

Come on.

-Grindah, you see that? -What?

-Just tucked Craig's shirt in... -You have to go in, mate.

-You've got a bit of glitter on your cheek. -What?

-Bit of glitter. Bit of glitter. -Is it gone?

Yeah.

Miche? Have you got any pants on?

-What? Yeah! I've got a thong on. -Just looking.

-Hello. -Hello.

-Mum, this is the vicar. -Hello, darling.

-And this is Angel. -Nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you. -Just say hello to the vicar.

-I'll come and speak to you. -All right.

Hello. Welcome, welcome.

-Don't you look lovely? -Yeah, she does, doesn't she?

Like a little angel.

I've just come straight from the rave?

Do you still feel fucked?

Mic's not working. Come on.

Try it. Try it. It's not working.

I had face paint all over my face when I got here.

Lucky there was that little sink on the way in to wash your face.

Mate, that's holy water.

What happens if you get it on your face?

Makes you religious or something.

I didn't mean to be religious.

Hope they've got them ready, to be honest, mate, cos...

I haven't got time, mate. I've been up all night, you know. I'm not in the mood, mate.

All right, geezer. I'm here to pick up my T-shirts.

-I've got a receipt for you. -Yeah, mate.

Nice bit of kit you've got there, actually, mate.

-Is it a smooth mechanism on that, yeah? -Yeah, it's okay.

Do you make some decent profit off that?

What kind of money you making, net profit, kind of margins?

-I'm not sure. -Cash flow?

-That's £225, please. -225 quid!

-I'm sorry for your loss, by the way. -Huh?

No, it's fine, mate. It's no problem. It's very reasonable anyway.

You've got to lose some to gain some, you know?

Do your pout.

-Perfect! Stunning. -Nice.

-Miche, Miche. -What?

-What's he want? -I don't know. Can you watch my bag?

Yeah, course I can.

Come on, come on.

Easy!

How you doing, Selecta? You all right, yeah?

Angel. Angel.

Angel.

Angel.

Angel.

-Oh, my God! -Yeah!

-You got him to re-do the T-shirts! -Yeah.

-That's so romantic! -It's not romantic, it's just normal.

That shows how committed you are to me.

Not really, you just needed them done, so don't...

Ta-dah!

Oh, my God. They are stunning!

-Oh, thank you so much! -No worries. No worries.

Craigy boy! Have a look.

One for you, mate.

It looks like she's died!

Oh, man, that T-shirt! Like she was, you know...

We were at a wake or something. It was really funny.

Hoh!

-Stevie...T-shirt. -Sorry.

Jesus' eyes were watching me.

No, Miche, it ain't going to go over. No, I can tell.

Put it on, Beats, mate. Put it on, mate. Come on!

Take your top off. Take your top off. Yeah.

-All right, shall we go up? -Angel.

Will you take pictures? You can take some pictures. Just go up there.

-Just go like that. -Thank you.

Angel, do you wish to be baptised?

Say yes, Angel, yeah?

-Yes. -Yes? Well done.

-Let us pray. -Hands together, everybody!

Or not, is it? Nah.

Here, we are washed by the Holy Spirit and made clean.

Here, we are clothed with Christ,

dying to sin that we may live His risen life.

-Decoy. Shall I take Angel for a bit? -If you want, mate.

Yeah. Come on. Come to Uncle Beats.

-You got her? -Yeah, come on.

You give to your faithful people new life in the water of baptism.

Angel. Just stand closer to me than Uncle Decoy, yeah?

..May serve you in faith and love and grow...

Is that your family over there? It's a bit weird, innit?

"Ooh, I'm Decoy. I bring my family with me.

I want to be godfather."

-..Amen. -Pathetic.

And now we come to the responses.

Do you reject the devil and all rebellion against God?

-Everyone? Yes! -I reject them.

The responses are on the sheet. "I reject them".

-I reject them. -Do you renounce the deceit and corruption of evil?

-Yeah, I do. -I renounce them.

Do you turn to Christ as saviour?

-Yeah. -I turn to Christ.

Do you submit to Christ, our Lord?

I submit to Christ, our Lord.

Christ claims you for his own.

Receive the sign of his cross.

[Grindah laughs] It's like, I was thinking, the power of Christ compels you!

-Yes, all right, thank you. -That's from Exorcist, innit?

About the girl's mum noshing people off to hell! I love that!

If the father would like to step forward, please.

No worries, mate. I'll take over from here.

-Pass me the mic, please, mate. -Yeah, sure.

Angel, if you just stand there. Right!

Welcome, people.

As you all know, I've had the important decision

of who will be the godfather.

-Very important. -Exactly.

It's, uh... it's something I took very seriously.

I even watched this film called The Godfather to help me work out

what it is they actually do.

I didn't end up watching it all, cos it is quite long.

But the point is, I learnt that it is more than just some little name

given to you by some silly little John in a church. Yeah?

It's about loyalty. It's about respect.

It's about being the head of a crime family.

Which is something we know a little bit about, isn't it?

So, for that reason, I feel there is no one better for the role of godfather...

than...

Me! MC Grindah!

I now declare myself godfather!

[applause]

Good, good.

Should have had, maybe, little drinks for this bit.

Like a toast.

Anyway, good. Back to you, mate.

The best man won in the end of the day, innit?

-Good job, mate. -Yeah, same to you, mate.

..And come to the inheritance of the saints in glory, amen.

You're christianed!

-[applause] -Thanks. Thank you, everybody.

-Amen! -Amen!

Come on then, let's go. Let's go and eat buffet.

Thank you, everybody. Great ceremony, innit?

Yeah, it was really good, man. Craig!

Come on, come with Mum.

Went well.

[director] What about Angel, is she happy?

Ah, very much so. She didn't have a clue about it and, to be honest,

if she had some next John always there, she'd be like, "Who's that?"

She's got Daddy there, do you know what I mean, aka The Godfather, like.

Steves! It's time to go.

-What you doing? -Just...just talking to Jesus.

What you saying to him?

Just apologising, cos...

I'm a bit worried that he's put a curse on me.

You're just on a come-down, man.

We'll go back to Grindah's and we'll sort all this out.

Bye, Jesus.

Going to church is definitely one of the most...

like, intense things you can do on a come-down, really.

Oh, wait a second.

But I just try and avoid comedowns as much as possible.

[director] How do you avoid them?

Just do more drugs, basically.

[music plays]

Go on, give it a go, Craig.

Probably got Little Mix on there.

Listen to me, Miche. I just think...

Decoy would be a better choice, that's all.

It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that Angel's going to go heaven.

-He's the perfect man. -Whatever, Mum. Nobody's perfect.

If he ain't, he'll fucking do till Mr Perfect turns up. Cheers, darling.

-I would smash him into next week. -Mum!

I would! I don't care!

He'd wake up, "Ooh, what day is it?" "It's next week, darling."

Oh!

Beats! Decoy! Ready for you, mate!

I got to go do this Jah ceremony to help Steves with his come-down.

-Yeah. Sweet. -Take a seat there.

Yeah!

-Miche! Miche! -Huh?

How about Angel? I have got it all ready.

-Nah, do her when she's older. -Sure?

Cos we have hotboxed her room out, so we are good to go.

Yeah, that's fine. She's busy doing her karaoke.

-Last chance! -No, it's fine.

All right, sweet!

[director] Do you think that Grindah and Miche are good parents?

Well, you know, I don't judge other people. But, no, probably not.

Miche is lovely and I reckon she's doing her best, but, you know,

with an absolute twat in the house...

How can...how can he be a good father?

[clapping and cheering]

Who wants cake? Do you want cake?

-Yeah, I'll have some. -Happy christening!

What sort of portion control do you...?

Steves, this is for you, mate, all right?

We'll get you back, keep toking it.

♪ If it wasn't for the girl you're holding tight ♪

♪ If it wasn't for the girl you're holding tonight ♪

I watched this documentary once,

where they all just go into a hill in Jamaica

in a fucking big tent and just chill and blaze.

And that's how you cleanse yourself with the power of Jah Rastafari.

[director] What is Rastafarianism?

Uh, you're so white! Rastafarianism is a movement

that started in Jamaica...

with a geezer called Bob Marley

and he just blazed a lot, made some of the best music in the world.

Boom, there you go. The Rastas was born.

Oh, I can feel it now.

I can feel the curse being lifted.

-Five, six, seven, eight. -Go on, then!

-Go on, Ange! -Oh, yeah!

Oh, I love it! I love it!

Whoo!

Aaah!

Easy. Just exorcised Steves' come-down.

Jesus has been defeated!

That's it. Spin her, spin her!

Now you spin me!

Spin Mummy, Ange. Spin Mummy.

Yeah, I made the right decision with the whole godfather thing. At the end of the day...

you don't send a boy in to do a man's job, do ya?

Yeah, but you know I'd always be there for you anyway, so...

[Grindah] I checked it out and there's not actually that much to it. It's just good to get her done.

-Yeah, set her up for life and that. -Exactly.

Cos if she does end up going down a darker path or whatever,

like, becoming a brass or a murderer or whatever,

then I know she'll always go to heaven.

[Beats] Yeah. Straight into the VIP.