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♪ This little light of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪

♪ Let it shine ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ Everywhere I go ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine... ♪

Well, I am happy to
report that my potato salad

is once again the hit of the potluck.

- That's great, honey.
- I feel bad

for Pam Staples.

No one's touching her potato salad.

If you feel bad, then
why are you smiling?

'Cause sometimes your
mommy's a big ol' hypocrite.

Howdy, Coopers! How we doing today?

- Pastor Jeff.
- Thank you, Pastor Jeff.

Y'all remember my wife Selena.

- Hi, Selena.
- Oh, yeah.

¿Qué tal?

You're married to her?

Why, yes, I am.

You can think
it... You don't need to say it.

How are you liking Medford, Selena?

¿Cómo te gusta Medford?

_

She likes it fine.

Oh.

_

She needs to use
the little girls' room.

Mary, could I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Don't worry. I'll bring her right back.

Wasn't worried, but okay.

Okay.

His Spanish is terrible.

That's not what she said at all.

Oh.

I don't know if you've heard,

but our church secretary,

Elizabeth Sohinki, is
currently seeking treatment

for a little problem
with... shall we say...

Under-the-counter medications.

Oh. So that rumor's true.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, she did

always seem extremely alert.

Alert, shaky, sweaty. Anyway,

we need someone to step
in and fill the position.

I was wondering if
you might consider it.

It's not just bookkeeping.

I'd be in charge of handling the
maintenance issues... you know,

plumbing, electric, what have you.

And I'd also head the planning committee

for all the social events,

which, of course,
includes the big three:

baptisms, weddings, funerals.

And here is the cherry on top.

The sign in front of the church
with all the clever sayings...

"Be an organ donor, give
your heart to Jesus"?

Exactly.

Guess whose job it
would be to write those.

Yours.

Already working on a couple.

Listen to this.

"The best vitamin for
a Christian is B1."

What?

You know, be one.

Like be a Christian.

And also B1 the vitamin.

Well, now that you
explained it, it's funny.

Yeah. Might be a thinker.

But there's a lot more
where that came from.

What about the twins?

Well, I'll still get 'em
off to school every day.

And when they get home,

Mom can keep an eye
on 'em till I get back.

Think she'll go for it?

Are you kidding? She
loves 'em like crazy.

Fat chance.

Oh, come on.

You come on. I'm
in the prime of my life.

I got my water aerobics
and my salsa dancing

and my bowling league.

But you love your grandchildren.

I love ice cream, too,
but I don't want to eat it

from 3:00 to 6:00 five days a week.

Well, I'm very disappointed.

And I'm fine with that.

Why don't you just get a babysitter?

Kinda defeats the purpose
of making extra money.

Oh, yeah, right.

All right, let's think about it.

Georgie.

Football practice.

- And I don't trust him when I'm home.
- Oh.

Okay, now, what are
we talking about here?

Sheldon is intelligent and responsible,

and Missy... is his sister.

I think they'll be fine home alone

all by themselves for a
couple hours after school.

- You think?
- I do.

As a matter of fact, I actually
think it'll be great for them.

These kids today are so coddled,

I honestly think y'all are raising

a whole generation of sissies.

Is that the way you speak
about your grandchildren?

Yes.

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Hi.

How'd it go with your mom?

She's not interested in watching 'em.

Doesn't want to give up her afternoons.

Of course. Sorry.

You know what, it's okay.

The timing wasn't right.

Maybe when the kids are older.

Okay.

I guess I'll go get dinner started.

How about this?

Go ahead and take the job.

Yeah, if it turns out

Sheldon and Missy can't
look out for themselves

for a couple hours after school,

then... well, we'll cross
that bridge when we come to it.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah. Actually, probably good for 'em.

Teach 'em a little responsibility.

That's exactly what my mom said.

Really?

Well, I still like the idea.

Mmm.

Thank you, God, for this food

we're about to receive,
and for the nourishment

of our bodies, and bless
the hands that prepared it.

Amen.

So, kids,

we have a little family
business to discuss.

- You're pregnant?
- No.

We're getting a puppy?

No.

I'm not sure I care.

Starting next Monday, I'm gonna take

a full-time job at the church.

Well, who's going to take care of us?

Well, nothing will change in the
morning... I'll make breakfast,

take you both to school.
Then, after school,

you'll come home, do your homework,

watch TV, play with your toys

till I come home around 6:00.

Well, why can't Meemaw take care of us?

- 'Cause she's not the person you think she is.
- George...

You're really gonna
leave these two alone?

Yes.

That's a brave choice.

Look, this job is
important to your mother.

We expect you both to
step up and be responsible.

I can do that.

Missy?

I'm thinking about it.

Very brave.

_

Okay, let's go over it one more time.

House key's under the
plastic owl by the front door.

There's after-school
snacks in the fridge.

One for each of you.

Emergency numbers are
right there by the phone.

First aid kit is in the hall closet.

And you won't be needing it,

but under the kitchen sink
is a fire extinguisher.

Ooh, that looks fun.

For fires only, and don't be
starting one just to use it.

It's like she can read my mind.

Don't worry, Mom.

We'll make you proud.

I know you will, baby.

All set for your first day?

- I believe I am.
- Mm.

- Mwah.
- Mwah.

Go get 'em.

Thanks for waking me up.

I woke you up 40 minutes ago.

Well, you didn't do a very good job.

Bye, y'all.

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, later.

Sorry to bother you, Peg,
is Pastor Jeff available?

Jeff! You available?!

On the phone.

He's on the phone.

You know, my mother's had some
luck cutting back on the smoking

by chewing that nicotine gum.

Got some right here.

So you do.

Come on in.

Go on, you heard him.

Thank you.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Mare.

Uh, you finding everything you need?

Oh, you bet.

So, I've been going over the books,

and I think we have
enough money in our budget

to purchase a personal computer

to handle all the church business.

Okay.

Well, uh, why don't you
leave the paperwork here,

and I'll-I'll take a look at it.

Of course.

That's for your perusal.

Everything okay?

What?

Yeah. Right as rain.

All righty.

Hey, if you have a minute,

I would love to talk to you
about the sign out front.

Yeah, sure.

So far so good.

Hello?

Anybody?

They weren't kidding.

Maybe I'll just have one little peek.

How come you're not eating your snack?

I prefer my snack to be a
reward for homework well done.

You're like an old person.

Thank you.

What's your homework?

Non-Euclidean geometry.

How about you?

"Symonyms."

You mean synonyms.

I'm pretty sure she said "symonyms."

Did you see that?

Someone's out there.

Oh, no. They're in the backyard.

What do we do?

Aah!

Would one of you please get me a towel?

Why were you sneaking around out there?

Yeah, you scared us.

I was checking up on you two.

And in case you're
wondering, you scared me back.

Well, why didn't you knock?

Because you two are supposed
to be doing this on your own.

And you don't think we can.

Of course I do.

I'm the one who told your mother

that you were fine by
yourselves in the first place.

Then why were you checking up on us?

That's called being two-faced.

We'll be okay on our own.

Yeah, we need to prove we can do this.

All right.

I respect that.

And I'm happy to keep this
little incident a secret.

Really? I'm telling everyone.

It was hilarious.

I'm going bowling.

When we first started dating,
everything was wonderful.

That's when it is wonderful.

All the problems started
once we got married.

Well, marriage will do
that to a relationship.

I-I got Selena a credit card

to make small purchases for the house.

You know... coffee maker, DustBuster.

You know what she did?

She went to that Sharper Image store

and she bought a massage chair.

Oh, I sat in one of those at the mall.

It was terrific.

It's $2,000.

Oh. Well, seeing as I
know how much you make,

you can't afford that.

I... uh-uh.

Of all the afflictions

that can befall a child,
one reigns supreme.

Beyond scraped knees and paper cuts,

nothing strikes fear into the
hearts of kids around the world

like a splinter.

No!

Tell me why you were
pretending to have amnesia.

I've got a splinter!

So?

So, it's an emergency!

Call Meemaw!

Oh, calm down.

- We can take care of this.
- No, we can't!

Sheldon, if we can't
handle a little splinter,

they're never gonna
leave us alone again.

You're right.

So, what do we do?

Let me see it.

Oh, boy. That's a deep one.

Hey, it's throbbing really bad.

Mom would take it out with tweezers.

Well, where would we find tweezers?

Let's see what we got.

Band-Aids...

cotton balls.

What's "gowz"?

It's gauze, and the fact
that you don't know that

is not filling me with hope.

Where would Mom keep the tweezers?

- Sometimes she uses a needle on splinters.
- No.

No needles. Anything but needles.

Wait, she has tweezers
in her makeup bag.

She plucks her eyebrows with them.

And sometimes her mustache.

Anything?

Nope.

Wait.

Maybe they're in her room.

We're not allowed to go
in Mom and Dad's room.

Want me to get the needle?

Let's make this quick.

Why are you whispering?

That's how people speak
when they're being naughty.

I wouldn't know. I'm
naughty all the time.

You're really not coming in?

No. But you're doing great.

What's wrong?

This really is naughty.

I told you.

I don't see anything.

There's just a Bible and a flashlight.

What do I do?

Answer it but sound calm.

Hello.

Hey, it's Dad.

How you guys doing?

We're great.

Glad to hear it.

I'm watching TV,

and Sheldon's reading quietly.

I knew you could handle this.

- I'm proud of you.
- You know what?

I'm proud of us, too.

Uh... Okay, baby doll,

I'll be home in a couple hours.

Stay out all night. We got this.

Wha... Love you, too.

That was intense.

I don't think I'm cut out
for this latchkey life.

You answer it this time.

I can't, I'm supposed
to be reading quietly.

Answer it, Sheldon.

Well, I'm not going in there.

Hello. Cooper residence.

Sheldon speaking.

Hey, Shelly.

Oh, hello, Mom.

How's your day going?

Shelly? Shelly? You there?

Yes, I'm here.

She wants to know how my day's going.

Say it's going good.

I can't say that.

Why not?

It's bad grammar.

How are you supposed to say it?

"It's going well."

Oh, that's nice.

I've got to get back to work,

but I love you and miss you very much.

Okay.

I handled that really well.

Got a minute?

Sure, come on in.

I just wanted to apologize.

I-It was wrong of me to unload
my personal business on you.

Here it is, your first day and all.

Oh, that's fine.

Always happy to lend an ear.

Great, 'cause I didn't
tell you everything.

Really? 'Cause you told me a lot.

This morning, while
Selena was in the shower,

I went through her purse
and I took the credit card.

- Oh, my.
- Now,

do you think that's stealing,
or is it doing the right thing?

You know, saving us from
bankruptcy and whatnot?

Wow. Um, yeah, that's complicated.

Um... going through her
purse... Probably wrong,

but on the other hand...

well, there is no other hand.

You can't be doing things like that

and have a healthy marriage.

Why don't you just talk to her?

Explain your financial situation?

That...

Oh, we're closing the door now, okay.

That's not so easy.

Because of the language barrier?

That, and I implied,
when we were dating,

that I was... well-to-do.

Oh, Pastor Jeff, why would you do that?

You saw her.

Uh, she is the kind of woman

that can make a man do bad things.

Well, I... I don't know
what to say to that.

Maybe you ought to pray on it.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I'll do that now.

I'll do the same.

Thank you.

God, please give me the strength

to not spread this juicy
gossip about Pastor Jeff.

Amen.

What are you doing?

I'm reading quietly, so I don't
have to lie about it later.

Found 'em.

The tweezers?

Mom's needles and her magnifying glass.

Absolutely not.

Let me at least try.

No.

You're being a baby.

Nothing you can say will change my mind.

What if it gets infected and turns green

and they have to cut it off?

I think it's numb.

Great, put your hand out.

Wait, how do you plan on
sterilizing the needle?

Mom uses a lit match.

We're not allowed to play with matches.

What else would work?

Alcohol.

Stick your finger in there.

I'll do the needle.

Okay. I hope I don't get drunk.

How long till you're sterile?

I don't know,

but I'm getting lightheaded.

No matter what happens, hold still.

I can't do it.

- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't.

Just let me get it.

What if you slip and stab me in the eye?

I'm not gonna slip.

Who always wins when we play...

Be right back.

In 1989 the Milton Bradley Company

had dozens of board games on the market,

but only one where you were the doctor.

Operation came complete

with a red light-up nose,

13 plastic body parts
for players to remove

and, most importantly, one
pair of genuine tweezers.

My sister performed a
medical procedure using

a children's board game,

while I bravely sat very still.

I guess you could say there
were two heroes that day.

Gee, how do you suppose that happened?

- Hello?
- In here.

Why does the kitchen smell like whiskey?

Ask her.

Oh, dear Lord!

Wait till you hear what I did to Meemaw.

Our show came at number one.

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