Original subtitles

Oh, no!

Hello?

Eh...

SHE SLURPS

HE STRAINS Ahh!

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

Pbbt. Blah!

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, welcome!

Welcome to Taskmaster, a fun entertainment show

in the same way that Chairman Mao

was a chilled-out wacky uncle.

LAUGHTER

Let's take a great leap forward into fun!

Please welcome Ania Magliano... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Maisie Adam... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Phil Ellis... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Reece Shearsmith... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Sanjeev Bhaskar! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who thinks that men should be men,

and women should be physically jacked-up enough

to be able to lift those men.

LAUGHTER

HIGH-PITCHED: It's...

NORMAL PITCH: He likes a hench woman...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

I've got my special hat.

It's my favourite hat. It's a bucket hat... Yeah.

..with our faces on. Yeah, nice.

And inside...my bucket list in my bucket hat.

And the good news is - well, good news, bad news -

I've almost finished it, so not much to live for any more.

But...almost done.

I've touched a horse, I've touched a motorbike.

I've done most of them now.

Three left, I've still got to find an emerald,

sell the emerald on the black market and buy a speedboat,

and then, I'm done.

LAUGHTER Yeah, OK.

So, what's the punch line? There's no...

Well... A punch line to this bit is find an emerald,

sell it on the black market, buy a speedboat. Buy a speedboat.

Yeah. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE GASPS I guess I could try and...

Oh. Ah. It's an emerald, right?

There's an emerald! Ahh. LAUGHTER

I've found an emerald! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, that's my bit done. Yeah, that's a good bit.

Prize task, please, my little whippet.

Hmm. I-I'll whip it in a minute, you cheeky minx.

LAUGHTER

So, the prize task category is

a possession that would most confuse a future archaeologist

if you were buried holding it.

Five points for the best possession,

four new possessions for the winner.

And now, it's back to Flirty Bertie.

Erm, Maisie what thing did you bring in?

I thought it'd be good to be buried with

a defining piece of literature,

so I've got it here,

as you see, written with Egyptian hieroglyphs.

There's the front cover. And inside, it looks like this.

Hmm. Er, what would be confusing for the people that eventually

translate it is that this isn't actually an ancient

Egyptian piece of literature.

Er, it's the Amanda Holden autobiography...

LAUGHTER ..No Holding Back.

And it is a genuine translation into hieroglyphs of that work.

Is the title No "Holden" Back, she's put Holden?

No, no, no, you'd think it would be. Yeah, yeah.

No, this is just No Holding Back.

And you've converted it into Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Into Egyptian hieroglyphs. Jesus Christ.

Maisie, this is excellent.

Phil what have you brought in to confuse an archaeologist?

Yes, it's a photograph of myself.

And here it is. There we go. What?!

LAUGHTER

REECE: You're on the right? LAUGHTER

I think it's my 12th birthday.

The thing is, we didn't have a dog.

I have no idea who that... no idea who it is.

Phil why do you think it's going to confuse an archaeologist?

It's "congratulations," so they're going to think,

"Is it a couple?"

LAUGHTER

I reckon they'd find it confusing, but equally, it's...

I don't think they would Phil. No?

I-I think any archaeologist who finds this goes,

"Well, here's just a picture of a weird kid and his dog."

Now, then, Reece, how are you going to confuse an archaeologist?

I thought it would be unusual to be buried with something

that could be...

Well, you can't quite work out what it is,

whether it's an omen, a portent,

a-a curse. So, I came up with being buried with this.

LAUGHTER

It's a mirror with the words, "Is this you?" on it.

So, they'll open it up. I'll be like, like that.

And they'll go...snap the bones to have a look.

And they're looking at themselves,

but they don't quite know what the message means.

Did I do it? Is it me? Is it me? Is it meant for them?

Is it just a mirror with Tipp-Ex on it?

LAUGHTER

There have been quite a few examples of mirrors found at burial sites.

Oh, right. And it has confused archaeologists in the past.

Oh! No-one knows quite why they were buried with them.

Amanda Holden said she'd want to be buried with her mobile phone,

in case she wasn't dead, then she could use Insta.

LAUGHTER

Ania, what have you got?

I brought in limited-edition jelly beans.

Yes, she made them.

They look...like this. SHE LAUGHS

Dual-flavour jelly beans.

I did it all by hand.

Cutting in half jelly beans, sticking them back together?

So, yeah, I didn't actually think of using scissors. Right.

But halfway through, my partner said, "You could use a knife."

What were you using? Were you biting them? Teeth?

I was using my teeth, yeah. Ah. LAUGHTER

I was sticking them back together, some of them just went naturally,

and then, some of them needed a bit of lubrication

from the old tongue. MAISIE GROANS

So, you think the archaeologist's going,

"Oh, there's, there's some jelly beans here.

"Wait a minute!"

Yeah! "They've been bitten in half by some mad woman!"

LAUGHTER

Oh, please, this is really nice that I did this.

Ania, I'm telling you now, I've written down, "Ania, 1 point."

And I haven't even heard everyone's yet.

LAUGHTER

Can I just say, the mind is like a parachute -

it works best when it's open?

LAUGHTER You may say that.

Sanjeev, it's all to play for here.

Well, this would be more confusing if someone else

was found buried with it.

OK, this is what Sanjeev has brought in.

Oh. Oh, that...

So, that is a sample of urine.

LAUGHTER

So now, someone else found buried holding...

Sanjeev Bhaskar's piss. ..a sample of my urine.

Yeah, OK. And a pet-treat gun.

REECE: OK. MAISIE: A pet-treat gun?!

Yeah. It launches treats into the air for the...

Yeah, and then, the creature jumps up and bites it.

"The creature?" LAUGHTER

You know, the gorilla! I mean, it might be.

GREG: You, a big dog-lover, Reece?

Is there a link between the dog catcher and the urine?

You're the archaeologist, you tell me. No, I see.

I think he's made his point very well there.

Well, shall we deal with Ania first?

Yeah, Ania 1 point.

Oh. Dog boy...

..let's give him 2. 2 to Phil, well done, Phil.

Let's give the mirror 3.

I'm going to give 4 points to Sanjeev. Oh.

So, 5 points to Maisie! Well done, Maisie Adam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, on we go. What have you got for me, Alex?

Well, Greg, why don't you have a good old yank on this?

LAUGHTER

Hi.

Ania. Hello. You blend in.

To what? To the wall?

Yeah. You look like the wall.

SANJEEV: Looks like an obstacle course of some kind.

Yeah, quite an expensive one.

Oof.

Impressive. Thank you.

"Pull something from that red green...

"..onto this red green

"using this string."

"Throughout your pull, you must remain on this red green.

"Your thing must travel through or over all the obstacles.

"The biggest thing pulled onto this red green wins.

"You have 15 minutes and one attempt.

"Your time starts now."

ANIA: OK, let me just have a look, let me just walk the course,

like in golf.

Very good.

Urine! Didn't expect that.

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

SANJEEV: OK, so these are the things that I can choose?

No, that's a rhino - that's going to be firing balls at your thing.

Oh, OK.

Well, I don't think we need to mess around.

Let's fire balls. Let's assault course.

We start by watching Ania and Maisie,

and Reece pulling on a thread. Here we go.

Put a little person on that maybe. Oh, that's lovely.

Oh!

I think he's going to go on there.

Yeah. Nice, nice.

Those are good wheel...

Fuck off.

LAUGHTER

ANIA: That's pretty big. It's going to look like a baby.

You're going to be dragging a baby through the obstacles?

Yeah, it's like a metaphor for giving birth. Is it?

Right, I'm doing it, I'm pulling!

She's ready.

So, it's a steady pull of a pig? Yeah, steady pig pull.

Pulled pork.

LAUGHTER

Stop firing balls at my baby!

If you had a doctor firing tennis balls as you were pulling it

out of your...

Are you allowed to say "vagina" on this show?

Yeah, you can say vagina, if you want.

SASSILY: Vagina.

LAUGHTER

Why is it going over to the other side?

I specifically put the wheels so that it would come to me.

It's going toward the rhino.

Oh, come on.

I don't understand what's happening with it.

Oh, no!

Alex, please, if you could help me out a little bit.

Oh, thank you.

Ohh! Straightening the pig.

Is it on the bridge?

I think you might have to drag him. I'm going to drag him.

You have a minute-and-a-half. OK.

We have movement.

Fuck off, rhino! LAUGHTER

You're through the door.

Oh, don't lose your momentum. OK.

CROWD GASPS

CROWD AWWS

I could cry.

Can I go? Yes. Thanks. Yeah.

It's survived the saloon doors.

What is a cervix, if not a set of saloon doors?

LAUGHTER

Uh-oh.

Oh, no, she's caught on the ledge of the womb.

That's going to snap. OK. What would you like me to do?

Could you lift it higher, please?

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, that worked.

Final push.

Congratulations - but I will have to tell Greg what I did.

You were the midwife.

LAUGHTER

No! Oh!

It snapped!

It's failed in its failure.

Can I go untie it? No.

I'm going to do it, I don't care! OK.

Come on.

Oh, no. Come on!

Oh! LAUGHTER

I'll just do it round its neck. Yeah. Come on!

Oh, the scarecrows.

Oh, it's locked!

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS Well done.

APPLAUSE So easy.

Sorry about the sheep.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

You're a lot angrier than I imagined you to be, Maisie,

before you came on the show.

It's like a red mist that descends.

And I've got points to bring up, by the way. Oh?

You had assistance. You retied your knot.

It said, "Stay on your green, pull something onto the green."

It didn't say you couldn't have help, did it, in the task?

Well, it's... I can't just like open the envelope, and then,

ring people and be like, "Can you come and help me?"

Well, unless it says you can't do that. You can.

LAUGHTER

A-All the information is on the task.

Fuck off, Greg! LAUGHTER

Who would you have rung, and how would they helped?

My friend Jordan. He lives not too far from where the house is.

You know Jordan? Yeah. I like her.

LAUGHTER

I don't mean I'd have rang Katie Price. No?

Why wouldn't you not have rung Katie Price?

I don't think she would've been best suited to the...

We're getting off topic here! LAUGHTER

My rope snapped... Yeah. ..and I accepted it and walked off.

You've had your baby lifted up by him. Alex Horne. And then...

LAUGHTER

..you've gone and come off your green to go and retie them. Yes.

Yet... That's right. ..somehow, I'm the knobhead

for not ringing Katie Price!

LAUGHTER

That saves me summing it up!

Ania, this is one of those moments where a person's time on Taskmaster

will be defined by one moment.

And I've asked Alex to capture it. Yes. Oh, God.

This is you, Ania.

SASSILY: Vagina.

LAUGHTER

I don't think I've ever said it like that before in my life.

Erm, she did well - whatever Maisie might think,

she stuck to the rules. And... Eh?!

I can't see a rule that Ania broke.

W-Well, you lifted out her object out the pool.

Yes, because... It's all fair. ..Ania asked him to,

and it doesn't say in the task that you shouldn't ask.

It just seems like you're maybe not OK asking other people for help.

LAUGHTER

That is such a beautiful moment on this show.

We're talking about a task given to one competitor,

and now, we're like, "Oh..."

REECE: Yeah, so keep your nose out! Eh?! Eh?!

It's got nothing to do with you, what happened on her day.

It has got something to do with us! Thank you, Reece.

It's got something to do with all of us!

We haven't even gone through all five!

PHIL: They're fighting again!

I've heard enough of it!

SANJEEV: I do love the way that

you're contributing to the session. Er...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What you're saying is very important,

what you're saying is very important.

APPLAUSE

Well, that rage brings us onto your attempt very nicely, I think.

I thought I was quite calm for me.

I thought the madness kicked in when Alex suggested you drag the pig,

and you said, "I'm going to DRAG HIM!"

And then, you did, I think, £500 worth of damage

by throwing a sheep at a scarecrow. Yeah, they were costly. Yeah.

OK. Sorry.

LAUGHTER

All right, we're going to stop for break number one.

Time to book a holiday.

Might as well - there won't be any party islands left soon.

Just one big ocean ruled by a man with gills.

Bye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Taskmaster.

Before the break, we had a string thing going on.

Yes, I suppose we did, because the contestants were battling it out

in a war of tugs.

There are just two muscle-bound guys left to pull the biggest object

from one circle to the other.

Are we still on tugs?

It's our Victorian muscle man, Phil Ellis,

and the world's strongest San...jeev Bhaskar.

This is interesting.

Taking the rhino out the equation.

Big...and light.

Come on, then. Well, I...

I'm not sure you'll be able to pull me.

Well, you've got to have some give.

I mean, you've got legs, haven't you?

Here's a big ol' boy!

Ow, fuck!

That looks so grim, don't it?

You're trying to tug me like a dog on a lead.

Well, I wouldn't put it like that. I mean, look, I mean...

Listen, I could put it round your neck.

I mean, but I'm not going to.

Right, I'm just going to tie this gently round your neck.

GEESE CALLING

They didn't expect to see that this morning,

when they went for a fly.

Good. W-Well, that's no good, is it?

I mean, you didn't help at all then, did you? Ten minutes left.

I'll give you some money.

20 quid.

20 quid.

Er, normally you go up on the second one.

Well, I'll go 25. OK, have you got the money?

No, not on me.

How long have I got? Three minutes, 30. Perfect.

Give him a bit of a chance.

OK, I've got a few things here.

I mean, that's obviously got a handle on it. Yeah, I like that.

Will that help? Yeah, that's good.

I just want just to protect your head... Right. ..as well.

Right. Here we go.

Oh.

We're off. I'm feeling a tug.

Come on, Vernon!

Come on, boy! Doesn't look happy. Come on!

Let's get you to that glue factory, pal.

I know what it's like. Erm, what the hell was that?

That's the rhino firing balls at himself.

Don't do it! There's only three of you left!

Ooh! Ooh!

Good use of shield.

Come on, Vernon!

I'm going to put a small child on your back

and charge them money for the privilege.

You've got one minute.

Nice work, Alex. Nice and steady.

Come on, Vernon! He's doing all right, in't he?

Hey, hey! There's not much pleasure you get in life that can beat

dragging a lifeless horse over a child's paddling pool.

What happens here, Sanjeev? I mean, feel free to duck.

I can't. Oh, can't you?

How long have I got? Three...

Oh, God, that was quick.

WHISTLE BLOWS How's that?

Pretty good, innit?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Excellent. Ah! AUDIENCE AWWS

Well done. Safe and sound.

Helpful Alex. 25 quid.

And that.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did you receive the £25 from Sanjeev?

N...No.

AUDIENCE GASPS DISAPPROVINGLY

I didn't have it on me then.

But I do now.

AUDIENCE GASPS APPROVINGLY Because I made sure...

Cos I didn't know when the task was -

but every show, I've been... Oh, you genuinely have!

LAUGHTER

..carrying this around.

APPLAUSE A deal's a deal. Thank you.

MAISIE: Are you all right with this? No, no.

Are you all right with this? No. Are you all right with this?

No, I think I may get enough points that I can be all right with it.

LAUGHTER

Er, Phil, you got incredibly emotionally attached to

an inanimate object. Genuinely sweet.

Well, I've never been involved in any kind of teamwork or,

some would say, long-term friendship. So...

LAUGHTER ..you find love where you can.

You make your own friends. Exactly.

Size-wise, it was about the size of the objects that made it over.

Yeah. So, Ania's was the size of a baby, I suppose.

Yeah. Er, Sanjeev's was the same size as me.

Weirdly, Phil's horse was the same size as you. Oh, wow.

It was 4.8 cubic feet - which famously you are.

I think there's no doubt that Phil wins the task

and get 5 points.

I-I think, what a great task, as well, I'd like to say.

LAUGHTER

Are you happy that Sanjeev dragged me to the other end?

I'm afraid I am. 4 points to Sanjeev, well done.

APPLAUSE

Are you happy that Ania, with some help,

got the baby to the other end?

I am. 3 points to Ania. OK. APPLAUSE

So, I guess, rules-wise, 0 points to Maisie, and Reece?

He didn't complete the task, he broke the rules,

so he can't have any points either.

So, 0, 0, but Phil Ellis is the winner of the task

with 5 points! How amazing!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Er, can we see the scores, please? Yes, well, I can tell you that was

the first time that Phil has won a task so far. Yes!

Almost halfway through the series.

Well done, Phil. Well done, Phil.

And what a task to win, as well. Oh, I know.

And just by following the rules. LAUGHTER

It means, Phil, you're in second place,

but in the lead, with 8 points, it's Sanjeev Bhaskar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shall we have another task?

Er, yes, now you...would you...?

I don't want to make things tricky, but do you mind if I just...

Do you w...? Yeah. Would that be all right, if I just...?

Yeah. Just...

Oh.

LAUGHTER

OK. Happy? Yeah.

Are you?

Not as happy as you. No.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

OK, well, here we go.

Ania! Hello.

Sanjeev!

Nothing for me, OK. Have a seat. LAUGHTER

Have a seat.

No, go on. Are you sure? Yeah.

I mean, we're both meant to, shall we both try? Yes, let's.

We look like we're about to do a duet. I know.

Let's go one cheek each.

I've got a tiny arse, to be honest, so I can probably do this.

Oh, it's awkward. I'm getting cramp.

"Make things genuinely awkward.

"Most genuine awkwardness wins.

"You have 20 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

That's really hard...

I - wait, for who? For who?!

It doesn't have to be for us!

We could make Alex awkward.

Maisie...

..you all right? Hmm, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's really awkward. SHE SHUDDERS

SANJEEV: Could we just ask you some more questions?

So, you know...

Alex, just look away, I'm going to start taking my clothes off. Right.

Alex, look at me, I'm about to start taking my clothes off.

Right, er, oh, you want me to look at you, and not look at you? Right.

Who do you think's funniest me, or you?

Er...yeah, no.. Alex, who is funnier,

and who has been funnier? Out of you two?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's difficult.

But... Is it awkward? For me? No.

No, Maisie's been funnier.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I can't wait to see the horrors of what you've got planned.

I was immediately awkward by everything that happened in that.

But I know it gets worse.

Well, let's see the first team's attempt -

and, slightly awkwardly, it's the team of two,

with Sir Shearsmith and Madame Adam.

Thank you everyone for coming to... Josh's memorial.

Er, as my son, he was obviously the apple of my eye,

and, we had such high hopes for him.

Yeah, and one of the teachers that always used to, erm,

inspire him was Miss Reuben.

Miss Reuben's here, who has very kindly said,

agreed to say a few words on... STIFLES FAKE SOB

..about Josh. I-I'll just go now. OK, thank you. Good.

Thanks so much.

Ahem.

So...

Yeah, so...

What was your name, sorry? It was...

Alex. Alex, Alex.

Sorry, my son was Josh.

Yeah, yeah. He died. Ahem. Yeah, yeah.

So, as Alex has just said,

I was fortunate enough to teach,

er, Jack - Josh, Josh. Yeah, Josh.

Er, a lively character...

Er, not now, obviously, but.. LAUGHTER

Frankly we had, we had quite a few...

..quite a few cleverer kids i-in the class.

Erm, in fact, I used to say "cleverer", and then,

he'd put his hand up and go...

NASALLY: .."Cleverer's not a word, actually."

Erm, which did used to rile me up.

Just one of those people that thought he was smarter than he is.

I'm not sure that... And I always used to think, like,

you know, like father like son.

Cos I remember you from a lot of parents' evenings.

You never lost faith, I'll give that to you.

You would always go, "It's in there somewhere,"

and it wasn't. It was never there.

It wasn't - and I tried, so...

Thank you. But thanks again for coming,

thanks again for coming. And God bless...

Thank you. ..us all.

Now, my wife would like to say a few words.

You know my wife, don't you? Yeah, I do know your wife.

Cos I've seen you both together!

Oh.

AWKWARD LAUGHTER

SPITEFULLY: Thank you for coming. Right.

I'm leaving... OK. ..my own son's memorial.

Cheers. That's Alex... Josh's dad there.

Erm, cake is served in the...

FUNEREAL ORGAN PLAYS

..by the font.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

It was pretty strong, I thought. Yeah.

It was pretty excruciating. So, they left the room.

They just decided to do some improv about a funeral, came back in.

So, they didn't know what they were going to say

and it was tense in the room.

And the teacher was having a l... a lesbian affair? Mm-hm.

We think, we think so. Well, we...

LAUGHTER "We think so"?

Our idea was to do bad improv,

because there's nothing worse or more awkward

than improv when it's bad.

Oh, I just thought you were bad at improv, but...

LAUGHTER

We're at the halfway point of the episode. Advert time.

What are you going to do about it?

What you lookin' at? Shut up. LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to the start of part three.

Things were awkward before the break -

and it's not about to get any less awkward now, is it, Alex?

That's right. Most genuine awkwardness wins.

And now it's time for the team of three who, let's face it,

are awkward just to look at.

It's Ania, Phil, and Sanjeev.

Oh, you're back. Alex, would you mind...?

Just come and sit there.

Just have a seat.

If you could just grab that.

Thank you. Do I need this?

No, you don't need that.

Thank you, Sanjeev. Hello, Ania.

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

It's better for us if you're just honest.

You know, which one of us...

..would you rather have sex with?

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Your answer here will either make you

a racist or a sexist.

Ooh. So...

Bearing in mind, I'm 15.

How old are you, Sanjeev? I'm older than 15.

I'll have sex with you, Sanjeev.

I think that's sexist.

Because, I mean, during the week,

you were very happy to kind of contemplate the bits.

My body. Yeah, exactly.

You remember what you called my hole.

It was French? It sounded French.

Was it l'ecole? "The school"?

Ooh! You called my bumhole a school?

Bumhole? Wow.

We have got another thing you could help us with

to maybe make it feel better... Yeah.

..which is that you could wash our baby.

I don't mind washing your baby. OK, excellent.

All right, baby.

Baby's so dirty.

Right. Don't like that.

Please be thorough.

Thorough.

Do your knees.

PHIL GIGGLES Are you still dirty?

Baby hungry. No... N-No.

Baby hungry!

Baby hungry.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Hmm.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, go to sleep now.

I'm 43. Yeah. I'm 46.

Mm!

APPLAUSE

I mean, what's wrong with you? Jesus.

ANIA GUFFAWS

The word "hole"...

The word "hole" was horrible.

But I wasn't expecting to be... there to be an anal sex reference.

Yeah, it was not the... SASSILY: ..vagina.

Yeah, this is going to be a challenge for

the children's version of this show.

I would argue you can't show footage

of a grown man sucking from another man's teat.

We did not plan that bit. No.

But they left me on my own. I was like...

Oh, was that spontaneous, that? I panicked!

LAUGHTER

SANJEEV: We're also very aware that you've played

the very short version of what happened.

LAUGHTER

Erm, I mean, I'm horrified by both teams' efforts,

but I would give one more point to the team of three.

So, I would give them 5 points, and the team of two 4 points.

There we go, well, well done, both teams. Well done, both teams.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's have another task, Alex. Sure.

And guess who forgot where he put the paintbrushes.

Ooh, hello.

Hello, Ania.

How are you?

Er, tickety-boo. Yeah?

Erm, I'm well. If you're bothered.

No, I'm just here to record what happens. Right.

"Do the most accurate finger painting of the person on

"the other end of the phone.

"You may only use four-letter words when speaking to them.

"And every other reply will be a lie.

"You have a total of ten minutes.

"Your time starts when the phone rings."

Good luck.

SANJEEV:OK. PHONE RINGS

And we're off.

Erm, hello. RINGING CONTINUES

Hi, hi!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Four-letter words seems an unusually cruel rule.

It's tricky. Very tricky.

I don't think there's much to discuss, let's just crack on

and do some finger painting.

Yes, the person they are painting

can only say the truth every other answer.

First to finger paint are Ania and Sanjeev.

PHONE RINGS

Hiya.

VOICE ON PHONE: Hello. How are you?

Er, fine thank you.

Erm, er...

Cool.

Er, cool?

I'm cool, yeah. Great.

What, er, head?

I do have a head.

Face? I do have a face, yes.

Chin? Er, I have three chins.

That does... OK.

A little more complicated than I thought.

Size nose?

Er, I don't have a nose.

They don't have a nose - no, that's a lie.

We're narrowing this down.

Er, name?

Er, John.

John.

So, this is something that I do want to know.

Sexy?

Er, very.

Very.

And that's true.

John?

No, my name's not John, my name's Andrew.

OK. Er, John?

Er, yes, my name's John.

Erm, hair?

Er, no, I'm bald.

Oh, hair?

Er, yes, I do have hair.

Are you working out a tactic here? Not really.

I don't know what I'm doing.

What wear...yous?

Yeah. I came straight from work, straight from the kitchen.

So, I do think they're in a chef outfit.

Any idea what John's wearing?

No, I can't find another word in my head for...clothes.

Mess upon your...garb?

No, I wouldn't say so.

Suit? I'm not wearing a suit no.

Suit? Er, yes, I am wearing a suit.

Long hand?

Yeah, I do have a long hand.

Oh, that's a lie.

Oh! Shoe size?

Er, small. Small.

He's got small feet with his short hands, has he?

SHE CHUCKLES Sounds like a right catch.

Ring?

No, I wouldn't say so.

You haven't said anything to John for a minute now.

I can't multitask, that's the problem.

Ah, wrong show.

You're going to have to hang up on John in a second. Any final words?

Erm, lo...love...

..y-you?

I do love.

I think we had a real connection there.

Bats.

Bats?

I love bats.

Excellent. WHISTLE BLOWS

Great, well, thank you so much, Sanjeev.

Thank you very much for that.

SHE GASPS You're kidding!

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

Was he behind me the whole time?

Yeah.

Ahh! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What did you mean, "Bats?"

Bats.

Yeah, it didn't mean anything other than bats.

It was a minute-and-a-half of silence,

then bats, bats, hang up. LAUGHTER

Ania just seemed to be on a dating app,

as far as I can work out.

It looked like - I think I looked like I was on a dating app,

and then, I say this with the utmost respect to Sanjeev,

it looked like he was a person getting scammed.

LAUGHTER

We can see Ania's and Sanjeev's, while we're on the subject of them.

So, Ania drew this.

Not...not terrible.

The right sort of clothing. The gentleman is here.

That's pretty good. The essence of the...

It's surprisingly all right, isn't it?

And flip over to Sanjeev. Bats, bats.

Oh, my God! You see the bat?

I think, if you took his hat off,

I don't think that's too far off him, actually.

Well, let's have a look at him. It's not a million mile...

It's not as far as I thought it'd be. Well, it's a man.

LAUGHTER

Both better than I thought they would be.

Right, one part to go.

Who will amass the points needed

to stand victorious on the stage?

Sanjeev's second urine sample of the series

is not going to win itself!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!

Thank you, it's the final part of the show,

and we've gone back to preschool for some finger painting.

Yes, Mr Davies, they're trying to paint the man on

the other end of the phone,

in the phone box that was directly behind them.

Remember, they may only use four-letter words

when speaking to him, and every other reply will be a lie.

Remember that.

Maisie, Phil, and Reece. Remember that.

LAUGHTER

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Well, they won't reply to that.

Hiya.

Hello. Erm...

..face?

I do have face, yes.

Nice face?

I've actually got a pretty ugly face, to be honest.

Oh, OK. Sorry to hear that.

PHONE RINGING

Erm...

Name?

Andrew.

Er, am I expected to know this Andrew?

You're expected to paint him.

Hair?

I don't have any hair.

Eyes?

I do have eyes.

Blue? They are blue, yes.

Ah. We're off.

We're off, great.

Eyes blue?

My eyes are not blue.

They're hazel. Right.

HE CHUCKLES

I don't even think that's a colour. That's grey.

How have I got grey from green and red?

You don't have to answer that, they weren't four-letter words,

it's just nice to know you're there.

High nose? Er, have high... have high nose?

Er, yes, high. Blue nose?

I also have a blue nose, yes.

You have a blue nose? Oh, come on! What is this, Papa Smurf?

MAISIE: Hair? I do have hair, yes.

Lots? No, I'm bald.

You just said you had hair, mate.

Oh, I was going to ask him if he had big ears, but...

If I'd have said ears, he wouldn't know that I mean size, would he?

Ears...size?

LAUGHTER I've got small ears.

Oh! Not big ones.

Body?

I do have a body, yes.

Bigs?

Er, yes. Large.

He's got a "bigs" body. Has he?

Coat? Yes, I am wearing a coat.

Cool coat?

Er, I would say it would quite cool, yeah.

He's got a cool coat, has he? Yeah, it's a black leather jacket.

I think it might be Danny Zuko.

MAISIE: What make...jobs?

I make spaghetti Bolognese.

That's your job? Spag boll...two Ls?

No, that's not right.

That's not right.

I don't think I care.

Can I ask you something, Reece? Yeah.

How are you getting on with the truth-and-lie system of this?

Have you remembered that?

Oh...

LAUGHTER

I've...I hadn't been considering that.

Right. I'm off now.

You've been really, really unhelpful.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Goodbye, Andrew.

Nice talking to you, liar.

HE GROANS

I'm going to miss our chats. Yeah.

Not good for my blood pressure, this, you know? Any of this.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The fact that they all made the same mistake is fascinating enough.

I think we should just see the pictures. Yeah.

Let's get to the goods.

Maisie was furious that he wasn't apparently telling

the complete truth, and this is what she painted with her fingers.

"You liar!"

LAUGHTER

Er, the info I got was blue nose,

spaghetti Bolognese, and no body.

So, I think I...

I-I genuinely left that caravan thinking,

"Nailed that." "I've smashed this." Yeah.

You thought that man was on the end of the line?

So, Maisie did that. Phil did this.

Ooh. Ooh!

PHIL: Daddy cool.

Yeah, I mean, straight away, you went to Fonz. Yes!

Reece, renowned artist, did this.

LAUGHTER

And I...

Can I...? What was the answer to the question, "Bigs?"

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Why did I think, very definitely, red shoes?

How could I have got that from him?

And that's the thing that worries you about your drawing?

All five with our chef Andrew - that's his name - here.

Is this not really about who's good at art?

Cos, you know, you could say I-I've captured his spirit, his...

LAUGHTER

The rule was, do the most accurate finger painting.

Oh, now we're in the rules, are we? LAUGHTER

So, here we go. Points? Yes.

Least-accurate first please, Greg.

Well, I don't think that Maisie will be annoyed with me for this.

I, er, you'd think wrong! LAUGHTER

But because, with the best will in the world,

as charming a character as that is,

it does not look like a human.

So, 1 point to Maisie. 1 to Maisie, good.

And I'll give Sanjeev 2 points. Ooh, unlucky Sanjeev, 2 points.

Oh, that's a bit harsh. Phil, 3 points. Phil 3, OK.

Erm, Reece has captured his haunted look.

REECE: See?!

But, you know, Ania's, I mean, somehow, that...

..forgive me, Ania, shit painting

does look most like a chef.

Wow. So, against all odds, she takes 5 points.

Wow, there we go. Ania, 5 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, what are the scores, Alex?

I can tell you that in the series,

Phil and Sanjeev are joint-last, with 70 points each.

But in this episode, they're joint-first

with 15 points each! Oh, yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, everyone, can you make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Hello, you angel. Hello.

Who will be reading the task?

I think Sanjeev should. OK.

"Eat the lame duck, or don't eat the lame duck."

I'm going to stop you there.

Is there an accent on the E?

ANIA LAUGHS

Yes, there is. Ahem!

"Ay-at" the lame duck...

That's good! Very good.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's good.

Thank you very much. OK, here we go.

"Eat the lame duck, or don't eat the lame duck.

"If you are the only person to eat the lame duck,

"you win 5 points,

"and everybody else loses 1 point.

"If more than one person eats the lame duck,

"all lame-duck eaters lose 3 points,

"and the lame-duck refusers gain 3 points." What?

"If no-one eats the lame duck,

"you must each give Greg £25."

LAUGHTER

"If everyone eats the lame duck,

"Alex will give you each £25.

"You have two minutes."

You've got to make the choice.

Do you eat the duck, or not eat the duck?

Vegan chocolate, I will tell you now, is delicious.

Are you ready? ALL: Yeah.

Eat or not eat vegan lame ducks.

WHISTLE BLOWS Listen, I say we all eat it.

Yeah. We all get 25 quid.

Yeah. We all lose 3 points.

Yeah. What?

PHIL: Do we not lose 3 points if you eat it?

Because, if more than one person eats the duck,

all the duck eaters lose three points.

That leaves us where we are anyway, but we're all 25 quid richer.

Yeah. REECE: But 3 points less.

Yeah, but across the board. Yeah.

But you're already 25 quid down today.

That's why you want to... Well, don't worry about me, but...

LAUGHTER

ANIA: I want to eat the duck, cos it smells really good.

Another good reason.

MAISIE: Well, then, good news, you can eat the duck and get £25.

That feels like the win-win.

How do you do that? By eating the duck.

We all eat the duck. Yeah, we all eat the duck.

If we all eat...

LAUGHTER

If we all eat the duck,

we'll all get £25 and no points.

But if one of you fails to uphold their end of their bargain...

Yeah, but we won't, cos we'll all eat the duck, won't we?

PHIL: I-I, well, listen, why don't you all pass me your ducks now?

LAUGHTER ..and then, we'll know, won't we?

Quick as you can.

Yeah, but do we trust Phil not to eat all the ducks?

Well, that would be the thing, wouldn't it?

We each have our duck, we can eat it.

If all of us do it.

I was voted Most Trustworthy Person in my primary school.

LAUGHTER

22 seconds of decision-making left. Right. Oh, no.

What do we reckon?

AUDIENCE OOHS

Anyone? ANIA: Guys, I ate mine.

Y-You're going to eat yours. I'm going to eat mine.

REECE: No! What? Are you eating them?

Five seconds left!

Are we eating them now? Four, three... Yes!

Are we eating them? Eat, eat, eat!

LAUGHTER WHISTLE BLOWS

Stop! AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Did someone not eat their duck? We will find out.

LAUGHTER

We will find out. I did not expect that to be so exciting.

Alex, go and clear up.

Come down here and join me,

and we'll see how that's affected the final scores!

APPLAUSE

Well, well, well.

Any duck-gobbling treachery?

There was a bit - I think they all agreed to eat their duck.

D-Did somebody not?

Somebody did not.

THEY ALL GASP

Murder most foul!

Are you j... Who, who?

Reece, is it you?

Yeah. Reece! MAISIE GASPS LOUDLY

Reece Shearsmith did not eat his duck,

and if only one person didn't eat his duck,

everyone else loses 3, and he gains 3.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Noted.

You know why that happened?

I didn't understand the rules.

LAUGHTER

Sure you didn't get the rules, Macbeth.

Reece! But there's more, Greg.

Ahh!

And this time, I want to show you this.

What do you mean?

AUDIENCE OHHS

He didn't eat his duck!

ALL GASP

I've still got it.

PHIL: I sucked all the gold off.

LAUGHTER

REECE: What does that mean, though?

It means I'm now worth more than I ever have been.

If more than one person eats the lame duck,

all lame duck eaters -

that's Ania, that's Maisie, that's Sanjeev -

lose 3 points, and the lame duck refusers -

that's Phil, that's Reece - gain 3 points!

So, well done, Phil, well done, Reece!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.

Which means that Maisie's now at the bottom of the table,

with 7 points.

But way above her, with 18 points, for the first time,

he's won an episode, it's Phil Ellis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Phil Ellis has won!

Please vacate your seat and retrieve your future archaeological treats!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media