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[ Birds Chirping ]

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♪♪ [ Rock ]

♪♪

[ Woman Giggling ] Mmm, baby.

[ Man ] Oh !

[ Giggling ]

[ Man ] Oh, baby. Don't leave. Oh, shit !

[ Woman ] I gotta go. No, I gotta go. I'm gonna be late.

♪ Living in America

♪♪

[ Man ] Baby, look what you're-- I will make it up.

[ Man ] Look what you've done, baby. ♪ Living in America

[ Woman ] I'm gonna be late for work. I gotta go. Love ya.

[ Chattering Continues ] ♪ Station to station

♪ Living in America [ Man ] Look at it, baby.

[ Woman ] Rusty, I don't want to look at it. I'm gonna be late.

No ! I'm gonna be late. ♪ Living in America

[ Rusty ] You're looking at it. What am I gonna do now ?

[ Woman ] Why don't you take care of it ? I will be back.

♪ Living in America

♪ Eye to eye Station to station ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Got to have a celebration ♪

[ Engine Revving ] ♪ Got caught up in some talk show sh-- ♪

♪ Now I wonder who be fightin' the girl with the trick She did my main man ♪

♪ Worked my home band I had to take a stand and beat the trick bad ♪

♪ Two sisters that were doin' it to their two brothers ♪

♪ Now they fightin' because they be doin' each other ♪

♪ The girl posin' nude used to be a dude, out Saturday night startin' a feud ♪

♪ The man cheatin' on his wife got caught last night ♪

♪ 'Cause the girl he was kissin' was a transvestite ♪

♪ Got caught on TV where it's too late to fight ♪

♪ Now the whole world knows about the secret life ♪

♪ Fifty-year-old mom dressin' like a hootchie ♪

♪ The young bad girls are bad with their booties ♪

♪ Too hot for TV Too much for the movies ♪

♪ Some ladies smacked Jerry Said, What, sue me ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Eye to eye Station to station ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Hand in hand across the nation ♪

♪ Living in America

♪ Got to have a celebration

"Zorzak." ♪ All right, Andy

♪ At 11:00 p.m. the cops roll ♪

♪ In L.A.

♪ Houston and New York City ♪

♪ I am living in America

♪ I am living in America ♪♪ Housekeepin'.

Oh.

Sweet fucking Jesus ! What in the hell ?

I didn't hear you knock. I was in the can.

- That is what this is for. - You don't have to leave.

Whew.

[ Zipper Unzips ]

[ Panting, Sighing ]

[ TV ] He-ee-re comes Sparky !

Spark !

[ Announcer ] And they're off.

Down the backstretch-- Come on, number four !

That's four, two, three, six, five and eight next.

All right, pass 'em ! Number seven in the lead.

[ Ringing ] Hello.

They're lookin' for forklift operators over there in Durbin.

Just bring it home. I'll look at it. I'm watchin' TV.

Hello ? Come on, Spark !

Rusty ? [ Dial Tone ]

[ Man ] Hey, can I get something to eat over here ?

Go. Yes. [ TV Announcer ] Three to the outside.

- Kansas Song moving up on the inside. - No !

- [ Man ] You always work the top floor, right ? - Yeah. How'd you know ?

My buddy told me to get a room on this floor...

if I wanted to get a "good morning" blow job.

- Who's your buddy ? - Like you'd remember.

[ Man Chuckles ]

Asshole.

[ Man ] Hey, Angel.

You gonna let me in ?

[ TV Blaring ]

[ Door Slams Shut ]

I was thinking. Maybe we should go on and do it.

You're serious. You're in the mood ?

No, not that !

Why don't we just get married ? Want to ?

Maybe. All right.

[ Woman On TV ] I wonder what it would be like.

Circled three of these.

[ TV ] What is there to miss ? Hear what I'm saying ?

When it gets so bad, what is there really to miss ?

[ TV Continues Indistinct ]

You at Willie's ?

Yeah.

- Brought home some chicken, if you want any. - All right.

[ TV Continues ]

So, you movin' in with Willie or are you gonna find your own place ?

I don't know !

God ! I just got off a ten-hour workday. I don't feel like talking about that now.

[ TV Continues Indistinct ]

[ Toilet Flushes ]

[ TV Continues Indistinct ]

Turn that off ! I'm in no mood.

[ Raises Volume On TV ]

[ TV Blaring ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Chanting ] Jerry ! Jerry !

All right. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody.

When I see Laverne on that stage, I'm gonna whip her ass.

Then I'm gonna tell the world that your dick is the size of a needle.

Do you hear me talkin' to ya ? Do you hear me talkin' to ya ?

Thank you very much. You are very nice.

Welcome to the show. We have a wild one for you today.

"I Got To Tell You, I Am Pregnant with Your Husband's Baby."

[ Audience ] Oooh !

Let's meet Juanita and her husband John. Come on out.

[ Applause ]

I been wantin' to whip your ass for a long time.

[ Audience Cheering ]

[ Juanita Yelling Profanities ]

Let me tell you somethin'. This is the size of his dick, baby.

I'm not talkin' about my nail. I'm talkin' about the pinky part.

It feels like he's pokin' me with a coffee stirrer. Yeah, tiny dick boy !

That's what you are ! Needle-dick man !

- [ Chanting ] Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry ! - Bring it home !

I'll whip your ass.

[ Cheering ]

[ Jaunita ] Come on ! Come on !

Although it's important for a woman to have her sexual needs met during a marriage,

calling your husband needle-dick for 13 years...

probably isn't a good way to express your frustration.

[ Announcer ] Are you having an affair with your stepdaddy or know someone who is ?

If so, please call...

1-800-555-3870.

That's 1-800-555-3870.

I'm gonna go to bed. Good night, honey.

You gonna be lookin' for an apartment tomorrow ?

This trailer ain't big enough for the three of us.

No, wait till she goes to sleep.

She won't come out.

[ Indistinct Whispering ] You did what with my husband ?

You did what with my husband ?

What did you do with my-- [ Rusty Whispering ] She's not gonna come out.

You did what with my husband...

in my own home ?

In my own home ? In my own home ?

I can't believe I'm finding this out on national TV.

I can't believe I'm finding this out on national TV.

I can't believe it. I cannot believe...

I'm finding this out on national TV.

You promised. I didn't promise you-- Shit.

You think-- [ Giggling ]

No, wait till she-- Wait ! Get--

Howdy do, Jerry ? I'm Connie.

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

[ Girl Giggling ] Jerry, how do you do ?

I'm Connie. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. You're such a good-lookin' man.

Baby, I need it.

You don't need-- [ Giggling ]

Oh, baby. "Oh, baby" what ?

[ Whispering, Angel Giggling ]

You're holdin' up just fine.

[ Giggling Continues ] Yes, you are.

Just fine.

♪♪ [ Rock ] More ! More !

Pump that shit, baby ! Yeah, baby. Ooh !

All right. Starletta.

[ Woman On Phone ] You are calling in regards...

to "My Traitor Girlfriends," right ?

Okay. So how do you know...

that your friend is having sex with, uh, Demond ?

'Cause I'm standin' in his living room while he's gettin' sorry traitor ass.

Who you callin' sorry traitor ass ?

I ain't even talking to you, scurvy bitch ! It's the people from Jerry.

Damn ! What you doin' here, Starletta ? How'd you get my key ?

Uh-uh, Demond ! I'm the one to be askin' you all the questions.

Who you callin' a ho ?

Put your hands on me, bitch. I guarantee you 9-1-1 won't get here fast enough for your ass.

- Don't believe that shit. - Don't be talkin' to her.

How you gonna let a piece of gristle, a piece of meat, come between us ?

When you was walkin' down the street with a trail of blood behind your ass,

I bought your Kotex.

When your cheap-ass Payless shoes broke-- Remember that ?

I took you to a reputable store so you would have something nice to wear on your feet.

But you don't remember that, do you ?

So you went all natural with your hair.

When your hair fell out from that bad perm, I'm the one who bought the wig.

Vonda, I knew you was a snake,

but I never thought you'd slip up in my man's house.

This is my shit !

You that desperate you gotta fuck every man you see that ain't yours ?

Get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out !

I'm gonna let you live this time.

Do this shit again, they won't be able to find your ass.

Ho.

Y'all know where to reach me.

Right. Starletta, I'll let you know by the end of this week.

Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Oh, God. Yes !

Dog.

Damn.

[ Jerry ] I'm still confused. Lucille was a trans-gendered preop hermaphrodite.

[ Man #2 ] There was a time when it would have confused you too.

[ Jerry ] Those times are long gone.

It's good to get out of the office and catch up.

[ Excited Chatter ] No way !

It's Jerry Farrelly. [ Waitress ] Jerry !

Ooh, I waited for you.

Remember I told you about my daughter, but I didn't have my wallet ?

Yeah, yeah. Ooh !

Wow ! She's got your teeth.

Is she attractive. [ Man ] Hey, Jerry !

Jerry ! Hi. How are you ?

How you doin' ? Nice to meet you.

Nothing personal, but your show sucks.

Nothing personal, but your manners suck.

- I was not speaking to you, Berenice. - Lousy tipper !

Lousy tipper. Sit over here in the seat of honor.

Thanks. Thanks very much. You're welcome.

Mel-- We got Magic Burgers.

I'll buy you a burger if you do it.

[ Jerry ] Mel, you were saying something ?

It's not a big deal, but what I want to do--

Jerry, look over here. I can't believe you just did that !

I'm sorry. Yeah. Right.

I'd like to see this show go in a direction--

How you doin', Jerry ? Why, Fiona.

[ Crying ] I need your opinion. I booked a gig in Vegas...

except it's a year contract, and my boyfriend doesn't want me to go.

Excuse me, Fiona. Jerry, I got a lot to say.

He thinks if I leave, I'll meet somebody else.

Which is a possibility. They want to send me to one of those leper colonies.

Just a skin disease, but what are you gonna do ?

Your glasses are dirty. I love him,

but this is such a great opportunity for me.

The choreographer's amazing, and the money's really good.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

Mel, what were you trying to say ?

Nah, nah. You think I'm gonna tell you now ?

Forget it, Jerry. Let's go.

[ Cheering ]

Clyde's not as uptight as you are, Henry. He lets me do what I want.

- [ Audience ] Oooh ! - He lets me have a girlfriend too.

[ Audience ] Oooh !

Shaneequa, come on out.

[ Cheering ]

In terms of my political future, how do you think we did ?

I'd say you lost Delaware.

[ Man ] Jerry, huge fan of the show ! Thank you.

Are you ever going to do a show on people who have crushes on farm animals ?

Why don't you call one of our producers ? We have that 1-800 number.

Her name's Begonia, and I tell you, she's one hell of a goat.

[ Bleating ]

She's got a hairless underside.

She's very pretty.

Jerry, could we get married on the show ?

Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry ! Whoo, whoo, whoo !

Jerry !

You gonna call about those jobs today ?

Rusty, honey,

I'm gonna go to the casino with Verna tonight after work,

so I probably won't be home till late, like real late.

- Okay ? - Yeah.

Baby. Hear what she said ?

Mm-hmm. So we gonna do it on the big bed tonight ?

Mm-hmm, yeah. Mmm.

[ Giggling ] Ah, baby.

Do that other thing. What other thing ?

The thing your mama won't do.

Damn.

Shit !

[ Sighs ] Fuck it.

I need to cash my paycheck. I.D.

I can't cash this.

The name on the check doesn't match the name on the driver's license.

Next please. Excuse me. Uh-uh.

It's our policy. Next in line, please. Back up, bitch !

I ain't done here yet. Now, you listen to me.

It's some fucking computer error the motel has not corrected the 400 times I have asked them.

I have a 20-minute lunch break, so fuck your policy. Cash my paycheck.

I already told you, I can't and won't cash your paycheck.

You're gonna cash my paycheck, or I'll kick your fat ass to Jacksonville.

You understand me, you goddamn bank freak ?

Ma'am.

Get your shit-- Get off of me, you fuckin' rent-a-cop !

You wanna-be piece of shit ! Get off of me !

Fuck you !

Get off of me ! Kiss my fuckin' ass !

Fuckin' pigs. Get off of me.

I'm gonna file a lawsuit.

[ Siren Wailing ]

Uh, a woman named Laqueeta Fontaine claims you're the father of her child.

She's suing you for 20 million. Only 20 million ?

Let your attorney handle it ? Yeah.

[ Mel ] Got it. You're married to a fatty ?

[ Woman ] Damn Skippy. And your sex life is fantastic ?

I ain't never goin' back to skinny.

Have fatties always turned you on ? I got the thing for Santa Claus.

Are you a fatty too ? X-L, baby.

Okay, Letitia. Thank you for calling.

Seven guests from the show we did last April claim to have...

"post-traumatic anxiety disorder" from being on your show.

They're going to sue for 20 million too ? No, but they want to come back...

and talk about it on your show. I see.

With their therapist, who's calling the disorder "Jerry syndrome."

I'm a disorder ? I made the big time.

[ Mel ] Congratulations !

Looks like we've been fishing in the shallow end of the gene pool for too long.

[ Phone Ringing ]

$500 bail for what ?

Trying to make a livin', and cash my paycheck.

Don't worry about it.

I took the money out of your mother's savings account.

She won't see it until she gets her statement.

Besides, I'm home when the mail comes.

I'll get rid of it before she sees it.

You always take such good care of me.

Let's go home. Want to ?

Yes. Okay.

[ Rusty ] Baby, it's you and me, and we got the big bed.

[ Rusty ] Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Oh !

[ Giggling ]

[ Giggling ]

[ Moaning, Chattering ]

[ Moaning, Giggling ]

I knew it ! Get your ass over here, you little whore.

What ? If I'm a little whore, I wonder what big whore I learned it from.

How long you been doin' her ?

- Since we've known each other. - You son of a bitch !

Don't you hit him. Don't you hit him !

I'm more of a woman to him than you ever were. Oh.

Where're you goin' ? Teach you a lesson.

♪ Welcome, man

♪ Welcome, yeah ♪ Until I'm through

What--

Damn it.

Where's she goin' ?

I don't know.

Is everything okay, Mrs. Zorzak ? Call me Connie.

Yes, everything's fine. Drop the barbell.

Honey, have you been feelin' a little tense ? [ Zipper Unzips ]

What are you doin', Mrs. Zorzak ? Teaching Angel a lesson.

I told you, call me Connie.

Whoa.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

I didn't say you could wear my jacket.

I didn't say you could fuck my husband.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Oh, I got a little bit of Willie on it.

I think I got it all out.

You know how much that boy can shoot.

Oh, I almost forgot. I borrowed this from you too.

You might want to rinse it out before you use it again.

I didn't get a chance to.

Mmm, I am tired. Lordy, he wore me out.

See y'all in the mornin'.

[ Door Shuts ]

[ TV Indistinct ]

When you found out your daughter was sleeping with your husband,

you had sex with her boyfriend ?

Mm-hmm. Teach her a lesson.

You'll fly us to Los Angeles and put us up in a hotel...

for free, you won't charge us for nothin' ?

No, ma'am. We don't charge you for nothin'.

I look forward to hearing from you.

- You sound kinda cute. Am I-- - Thanks for calling.

- Okay, bye. - Bye-bye, now. Whoo !

[ Troy ] I still don't get it.

Why would anyone air their dirty laundry for the whole world to see...

for a free ticket to L.A. ? [ Ringing ]

[ Woman Moaning ] Oh, Jerry.

Ahh. Ahh.

Oh, Jerry. Oh, Jerry.

Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

[ Moaning ]

[ Sighs ]

That might be my favorite episode ever. [ Laughing ]

Why can't you be more like Oprah ?

You'd rather sleep with Oprah ?

I've got a face for radio.

Does it ever bother you,

the hostile things they say about you and the people on your show ?

Not anymore. Nah.

Really ? Yeah.

I don't believe you.

Angel, get your ass out of bed.

It's late.

[ Ringing ]

[ Connie ] Hello ? [ Woman ] Connie ? Connie, hi.

This is Natalie from the show.

How ya doin' ? Yeah, it's really me.

- We had a chance to review your file. - Mom, are you okay ?

It would please us very much... Who is it ?

if you, Angel, Rusty and Willie...

would be guests on our show in Los Angeles the 23rd and 24th of this month.

We're gonna be on national TV !

We'll send you four round-trip plane tickets and a release form.

Would you sign that form and return it with the information ?

[ Connie ] Yes, I will.

Thank you very, very much.

Oh, my God ! [ Laughing ]

We're gonna do the show ! Yeah !

Who was that ? Jerry wants us on his show.

Why does he want us ? I'll explain all that later.

I've gotta go. Angel, you better jump in that shower...

if you want to make it to work on time. Okay.

They get thousands of calls, and they chose us.

Why'd they choose us ? That ain't important.

What's important is that they chose us. All right.

I'm gonna pick up chicken on my way home from work. All right ?

All right. Bye, Mama.

I ain't going on no TV. Yes, you are.

- No, I ain't. - Oh, yes, you are.

If you don't, I'm gonna tell Mama you took $500 out of her savings account.

I took that money out to bail you out of jail.

Don't matter. You took it out.

Looks like you're goin'.

You being serious ? Jerry wants us to be on his show for real ?

Do I look like I'm lying ?

What you want to bring all that up for ? Me and Demond ain't been together in over a year.

I know that. Girl, he's doing Vonda Simmons, okay ?

Old nasty hog ! He a dog !

Tell me something I don't know.

So what's up ?

You ain't gonna be throwin' no chairs at me ?

Come on. Me and you friends.

All that nonsense, all that stuff's behind us.

For real. Okay.

I'm gonna ask off. And we ain't gonna be ghetto.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. We're gonna be real classy.

I think I'll wear my blonde hair too, 'cause we goin' to L.A. !

To L.A. !

Cool.

Mrs. Zorzak.

I really don't think that you and I should--

What would you say if I handed you a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles...

with free hotel accommodations and a speakin' part on a national TV show ?

I'd say you're crazy.

Then I guess I'm crazy. [ Laughing ]

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh Uh, uh ♪

♪ Chillin' on the plane We're flying in the air ♪

♪ I don't even know when I thought I was scared ♪

♪ But I'm not, uh I'm feelin' real fine ♪

♪ The motherfuckers they all askin' why ♪

♪ Where we goin' How we gonna get there ♪

♪ We in the air Why'd you go and stare ♪

♪ Turn around in your seat No kickin'-- ♪♪ One, two, three.

I'm sure he could afford a professional makeup artist.

You think ? Oh, sure.

If they have the money for the hotel rooms and the plane tickets,

they can afford themselves a professional makeup artist.

You're right.

Move your knees out of the way !

If your ass wasn't so big, you wouldn't need all that fuckin' seat room.

Bitch need to be on a diet. I thought we weren't gonna be ghetto.

You know TV gonna put ten pounds on your ass. Fuck you, motherfucker.

That gonna be around the corner before you get there. Demond liked my ass.

He was screamin', he was moanin'. Ooh. Vonda, stop that.

[ Starletta ] Shut up ! [ Demond ] Like you ain't got no damn sense.

[ Vonda ] The minute you leave Detroit, you don't know how to act. No home training.

You ain't got no home training.

Hi. I'm Connie. I'm on "I Slept with My Stepdaddy."

I'm Charlie. "Man by Day, Woman by Night." Pleased to meet you.

[ Connie ] That must be fascinating being a man sometimes,

being a woman at other times.

It must be all-consuming, sort of.

You know what I mean ?

[ Record Scratching ]

Hey, Linda Blair, spin your head around one more time...

and I'm gonna give you exorcism.

Understand ?

[ Woman ] Jerry !

[ Cheering, Applauding ]

Thank you.

Thank you very much. I really appreciate you coming.

I tell you what. Let's keep up that good energy,

and we'll have a great show, okay ?

[ Cheering ]

Congratulations. You're all guests on Jerry !

Are you excited ? Let's hear it !

I'm gettin' some water.

Everybody sit down, please.

[ Clears Throat ]

- I wanted you to know I'm a big fan of yours. - Thank you very much.

Would you sign my autograph book ? Sure.

Love to.

Do you mind if I call you Jerry ? No. That's fine.

Okay.

Uh, you datin' anybody ?

That's it. Good. Excellent.

Since this is national television, it's important you listen to us...

and follow instructions closely.

Number one rule: There will be no weapons whatsoever.

Why they got to look at us ?

This is very, very important.

I gotta get a drink of water.

Where's she goin' ?

There you go.

Could you put my last name on there so people know you meant it to be for me ?

Okay.

What the hell is she sayin' to him ?

- Actually, it's spelled with two Z's. - Angel !

I hope you're not bothering Jerry. He's a very busy man.

You're even more handsome in person.

Thank you very much. Here you go, Angel.

Thank you.

Could you sign my T-shirt ?

Sure. Want me to sign the back ?

No. There's a decal there. You better sign up front.

Make it out to Connie. C-O-N-N-I-E.

[ Jerry ] It's not the spelling I'm having a problem with.

Hey.

"C."

Good thing your name's not Constantine.

[ Giggling ]

Thank you so much.

Thank you. I'm sorry. Sure. No, that's--

Rifles, handguns, knives.

Which does include pocketknives and silverware from the snack bar.

They gettin' on my nerves. Brass knuckles,

razor blades, glass bottles.

Am I forgetting anything, Troy ? Four-inch acrylic fingernails.

Ah, thank you.

Connie, we're having an orientation here.

It is important that you hear what's going on.

I know. I'm sorry.

[ Natalie ] Thank you. I appreciate it. Going back to Javier's question.

Can you be arrested for a crime that you commit on the Jerry Show ?

The answer is "yes."

Just because it's happening on television doesn't mean it's not happening in real life.

Right ? I gotta use the bathroom.

I don't know what to do about that woman.

He signed my T-shirt.

-Would you go away ? -What you doin' with my daughter you ain't doin' with me ?

You her mother ?

People always say that. Angel,

remember that cashier at Kroger who swore you were the mother and I was the daughter ?

I like to think of us as the Judds without the talent. All right, Mama.

Would you go back ? Go the hell on ! Go !

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Hold up ! You see Demond out there ? I don't know who he is.

Don't even play dumb. I'm talkin' 'bout the brother you was lookin' at all day.

Okay, everybody. Take five.

I'm takin' more than that.

Jerry, this is Catherine Winicott, channel 16 news.

How do you do ? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

I'd like to talk about your political past,

and I'd like to get your thoughts on this current phenomenon.

Great.

How does it feel to be one of the most controversial people in America ?

[ Starletta ] Demond ? Where are you and that bitch ?

- Cut. Let's do it again. - Rolling.

How does it feel being one of the most controversial--

[ Starletta Yelling ]

Cut.

Demond ! Demond, you in here ?

[ Starletta ] Demond, where are you and that skank ho ?

Demond ! Demond !

Let's finish where we left off tonight. Mm-hmm.

What's your room number ? 227.

All right.

[ Starletta ] She looks the same in her face as she do in the crack of her ass.

Skank bitch !

Get the fuck out of the way, you fat-ass motherfucker ! Hey, baby.

I was lookin' for you. You been lookin' for me ?

That's real funny, Demond. How the fuck you been lookin' for me...

when I been paradin' up and down this hallway callin' your name ?

Who the fuck are you calling a skank bitch ? Hold up.

What was you doin' with her ?

Come on, baby, just chill.

There's only one skank bitch in this hallway, and I'm looking right the fuck at her.

Oh, shit. Fuck you.

[ Starletta ] This your white man's trophy ? That's what you want ?

This ain't no trophy. It's a joke.

You gonna step outside the race, at least let the bitch be decent-lookin'.

Get the skankiest bitch you can find. A broke, cracked-out Madonna lookin' bitch.

[ Indistinct Arguing ]

[ Connie ] It's not your fault she can't please her man.

Don't be wastin' your time with that trash. You need to be kickin' his ass.

Don't have him come here and embarrass you, girl.

We got a "I Slept with My Stepdaddy" fighting with "My Traitor Girlfriends."

I'll be right back. Take care of yourself.

[ Arguing ]

Break it up. Stop that. That's enough.

That is totally unacceptable. All right ?

Just calm down.

Save it for the show, okay ? Unacceptable.

[ Natalie ] Exactly what we need. That's great, but let's get back to the conference room.

Come on, guys, let's go. I'll get your ass, bitch. You gonna get it.

[ Natalie ] I need you back in here.

Messin' up your hair and all that. I ain't tryin' to mess up my hair.

I'm gonna meet Jerry, and don't wanna be lookin' all crazy. Bitch.

So don't expect me to be fightin' for you, girl. Hmm.

Okay, guys. Oh, and enough of you.

Are those people okay ?

No, they're not okay. They're guests on my show.

Gimme one of those.

You really gonna marry Angel ?

I suppose.

You in love with her ? Sure.

Good luck.

You're gonna need it. She's as crazy as her mother. Probably even crazier.

- You want some advice on how to keep her happy ? - Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Angel likes that a whole lot.

- But you probably already know that by now. - She likes ice cream cones ?

Ice cream cones ?

[ Giggles ] Hey, Jerry.

Hey, Jerry. Girl, get out.

Jerry and me are havin' our own conversation.

I done Demond even though I knew he was with my good friend Starletta.

That don't make me bad. Do it ? Maybe just a--

Jerry, I got a tattoo about my first love.

You wanna see it ?

Girl, get your wriggly fat-jack ass out of Jerry's face !

It look good, don't it ? I'm not bad, am I ? Not even a little ?

[ Elevator Bell Rings ] There's my floor.

I'll see you guys at the taping, okay ? Okay.

Bye, Jerry. Bye.

What is your problem, pulling down your drawers in front of Jerry ?

He said he wanted to see my true love. Can't you show him a picture ?

Because it's all about the whole thing. You always showin' you ass.

Can't you keep your clothes on ? Always callin' me a slut.

Who's the slut ? I ain't no slut. I just showed my tattoo.

At least I keep my stuff in the house. It's in the house !

Not all in the elevator and shit. It look good.

My ass ! Look ass ! This ass !

Yeah, yeah. Do it again. Let's go out.

I can't watch your show. I have to turn the channel after a few seconds.

Why ? I find it bleak and depressing.

I'm sorry, that's just how I feel.

Don't you find it bleak and depressing ? Sure I do.

You don't think I'm some horrible elitist ? I don't find you horrible.

Catherine, just about every guest I've dealt with...

has been decent and kind and poor.

I think you find poverty bleak and depressing,

and our show reminds you that it exists.

Thanks for coming by. We appreciate it.

[ Explosion On TV ]

It ain't right.

It just ain't-- I ain't doin' it.

It don't matter. They're gonna make you do it.

The hell they will.

Please don't go.

It ain't right goin' on TV tellin' the whole world...

about parts of our lives that people ain't got no business knowin'.

You should have thought about that before comin' here.

- You're doin' the show. - No, I ain't.

- Don't do this to me, Rusty. - I ain't doing nothin' to you !

You fuck my little girl in my own home, and then you pull a stunt like this ?

I got news for you. You walk out of that show, you're walking out of this marriage.

And our relationship.

You are two peas in one fucked-up pod. Yeah.

- Yep ! - Get the hell out of our lives.

Jerry don't want you on his show anyway.

He don't want no fucked-up redneck inbreds.

I'd kick you out myself if it wouldn't mess up my pedicure.

I ain't doin' it. You're not ?

Hell no. I ain't gonna make an ass out of myself on TV. No way.

I'm going to the airport, changing my ticket. You coming ?

- Come here, Willie. - Angel, I--

- Get your ass over here now. - Don't you say nothin' to Willie.

He's a man of his word. Ain't that right ? He ain't a pecker like you,

and back out at the last minute.

You comin' or not ? You don't want to do something so hurtful.

Do you ? After all I've done for you ?

No, ma'am. You better go alone.

You sure ? Yes, he's sure ! Get the hell out of our faces !

Good luck, on the show and the marriage.

You poor motherfucker.

[ Door Slams Shut ]

[ Mel ] Got your six-shooter ? Yeah. A silver bullet with your name on it.

What am I doin' ?

This is crazy. Your fans love it, and it's good P.R. for the show.

I don't want to hear another word. But I can't even sing.

You can't really host a talk show either, but that never stopped you.

♪♪ [ Country ]

♪♪

I look absolutely ridiculous.

No, you don't. Not at all.

You look like a genuine Brooklyn shitkicker.

Yeah. Yeah.

♪♪

- I'm Troy. - I'm Claire.

Have we met before ? That's clever.

- I'm serious. You look familiar. - I don't think so.

- I work on a TV show. - Which one ?

- Uh, well, it's the number one show. - You work on E.R. ?

Can I get you another drink ?

Did he fuck with you first ? 'Cause we could sue him.

No, I fucked with him first.

But you were a minor. Don't matter.

I was after him for a month to suck him off before he'd let me.

Besides, what are you gonna sue him for ? He don't got shit.

[ Knock At Door ] That's him. I knew he'd be back.

I'm gonna go to the Hollywood sign. Wanna go ?

No.

Mama ?Mm-hmm.

Rusty took $500 out of your savings account.

Nah-uh ! He did.

That motherfucking cocksucking son of a bitch.

He took it out to bail me out of jail.

He took it out for you ?

Goddamn. What'd you get arrested for ?

Some bullshit reason. I got fired 'cause of it.

Well, as long as he took it out for you.

This is our special time.

Let's not worry about that now. We'll find you another job when we get home.

[ Knock At Door ] Now, that's Rusty.

Well, hello.

Hi. I'm here to see Angel.

Why you wanna see a girl when you can see a woman ?

Hey, Demond. Hey. You weren't in your room,

so I figured you might be here.

You wanna take a walk ?

Yeah.

Bye, Mama.

Bye.

Would you come with me to get my jacket ?

♪♪ [ Rap ]

♪♪

Open up this door, Vonda.

[ Knock At Door ] Open up.

Open up this door !

Demond, if your ass is in there, I'm kickin' it !

Move.

Why are you trippin' ? He ain't in here.

He with that white heifer, ain't he ?

Y'all ain't got shit to say now. Fuck y'all.

Demond. Demond. Demond. Demond.

[ Continues Indistinct ]

Demond ? Motherfucker, I'm lookin' for you.

Hey, I'm lookin' for this flat-ass, Daisy wearing blonde hair lookin' bitch.

I know you've seen her, 'cause she been flossing through the hall all day.

She 'bout 19.

Hello ? All I need is the damn room number.

Do you speak English ?

Hello !

Did you know that the Hollywood sign isn't lit up at night ?

Give me a shot of tequila.

Hey, things change, don't they ?

Maybe for some.

Have yourself a good night. Yeah.

Natalie, you can tell me. Do I look like a fool ?

No, absolutely not.

You look very sparkly.

I feel like Garth Brooks' Jewish cousin. [ Speaks Yiddish ]

Five minutes. Get out of here. Hey, thanks.

Ready, Jer ? Why do I let you talk me into this stuff ?

You look great. They're gonna love you.

Come on, cowboy. Saddle up.

Ladies and gentlemen, appearing tonight live--

I feel more like Mel Brooks than Garth Brooks.

Come on, Jerry. It's for charity. Yeah, you're right.

Even Mel sings better than I do. You're up, kid.

- Jerry ! - [ Cheering ]

[ Jerry ] Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

♪ You say things aren't going well ♪

♪ You're halfway to hell You lost everything that counts ♪

♪ Gone is your spouse and maybe the house ♪

♪ All you haven't lost are pounds ♪

[ Laughing ]

To love, honor and obey. My ass.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, fuck. I'm fuckin' up my makeup.

A bloomin' rose in a bed of sand is what you are.

You're as pretty as a peach.

Yes, you are.

Pretty as a peach.

Pretty as a piece.

[ Chuckles ] Peach.

♪ Oh, that big baldheaded woman ♪

♪ With a tattoo on her face ♪

♪ Who swears she was abducted by a man from outer space ♪

♪ But then there's Oprah Phil and Sally ♪

♪ And Jerry Springer too

♪ A little dose of talk-show hosts won't seem quite as blue ♪

♪ 'Cause if that's the world or part of it ♪

♪ Where madams are sometimes sirs ♪

♪ You'll quit complaining Things could be worse ♪

♪ Those calamities could be yours ♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ooh. You see ? That wasn't so bad.

Everything was all right ? I loved it. I heard every word.

Jerry, can I have your autograph for my baby ?

Sure. Love to.

- You want me to sign your stomach ? - Yeah.

[ Mel ] Don't press too hard. Thanks.

We watch your show every night. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Did you feel that ? He just kicked !

I seem to have that effect on people.

Honey, don't let it get to you.

- He a dog. - That's why we here in the first place.

Come on. Get your ass out of bed and come dancin' with us.

What part of "no" don't you understand ?

I ain't in the mood.

I just wanna wash my hair.

Get in the mood. Jerry flew us out here to have fun,

not to be boo-hooin' in no hotel room all night.

Come on, girl. Get your flow on.

We will whoop his ass on the show real good, honey.

Show the whole world what a dirty dog he is.

Come on, Star Come on, Star. Come on, Star.

For real ?

Shine ! Come on, girl. Get movin', girl.

We ain't got all night. This thing's gonna blow up. All right.

I'm only gonna stay out a little 'cause I'm gonna get to bed early. Okay.

One drink.

Hey, there. Hi. Buy you a drink ?

Thank you ! Jack Daniel's, rocks.

Jack Daniel's on the rocks for the lady.

So... what brings you to L.A. ?

- They flew me out here to be on a TV show. - Really ? You're an actress.

Mmm-hmm. The special guest star. The whole episode's about me.

That's very impressive.

So you'll call me ?

Yeah. I'll call you.

[ Women's Voices ] ♪ Is it her that you wanna be with ♪

♪ Is it her that you're making some talk show shhh ♪

♪ I made the bed this mornin'

♪ Come home later and there's new sheets on there ♪

♪ You're gonna lose the one you're with ♪

♪ You're coming in some talk show shhh ♪

Can I get some whiskey ? Your cheapest whiskey ?

♪ You've got our business sold up in the streets, cheatin' ♪

♪ He say, she say

♪ Everyone knows It's like we're on TV ♪♪

There's a lot of shows shot in L.A. What's the name of it ?

I told you, I can't remember the name. What do you mean ?

Excuse me. There's somebody out there I'd really like to say hello to.

Thank you very much for the drink.

[ Laughing ] Hey !

Tall, dark and handsome !

Oh, I just love a big man with muscles.

Yeah. I gotta get goin'. Starletta's up there waiting for me.

Hey, you ever fuck a girl and her mama on the same night ?

Mmm.

If you thought she was a good fuck, you ain't seen nothing yet.

You've had a whole lot to drink tonight. Maybe you better sleep it off.

You know ?

'Cause you got a big day tomorrow, right ?

Good night.

Demond, wait.

Just lay next to me,

and hold me.

Maybe tell me I'm pretty ?

We ain't gotta have sex.

Come here.

[ Man ] ♪ Oh, ah-ha

♪ Yeah

You really think you can get me a signed head shot of George ?

Ah, yeah. I'll see what I can do.

♪ Yeah, ah-ha

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh-oh

♪ It's just the feel thing

♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm

♪ Just the way I feel for ya ♪

♪ I won't find another feel thing ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm

♪ Just the way I feel for ya ♪

Come here, pretty lady.

Give me a hug.

♪ Yeah, yeah Uh-huh ♪

Of course I want you to go, if that's what's worrying you. Please don't think--

[ Man On TV Indistinct ]

I knew you'd want me to take the job, sure.

Judy, let's get married right away, tonight.

I'll be able to send for you in three months. I'll call you then.

[ Knocking ]

Why the rush to get married now ?

Can I come in ?

You've been drinkin' ! Um, yeah.

You don't drink ! Well, I did tonight.

[ Laughing ]

♪ Hey, mmm-mmm-mmm

♪ Just the way I feel for ya ♪

♪ I won't find another

[ Laughing ] Girl, they be dancing with each other.

I don't like that. I don't want a woman dancin' with me.

Mmm.

I'm gonna sleep so good tonight.

We shouldn't have stayed out that late.

We shouldn't have stayed out late, and shouldn't have gone out with them boys.

That's what we should've done !

♪ It's just the feel thing

♪ Oh-oh I'm nobody ♪♪

Mmm-hmm ? What ? Her ?

She ain't nothing but a friend.

All we did was hang out, did a little dancin', and that's about it.

There wasn't nothing more than that, all right ?

Ain't no reason for you to tell Starletta, all right ?

[ Elevator Bell Rings ] Mmm-mmm.

All right ?

Please ?

[ Laughing ] Uh-uh, y'all, wait.

'Cause I cannot wait to hear Demond's little excuse. Y'all know he stayed out.

I can't wait to hear either.

All right. These look real ?

Dolly Parton better watch out !

Make 'em bigger. Uh-uh, I be like Janet.

[ Giggling ]

- Shut up. - Get some toilet tissue.

Get me that tissue out of the bathroom. I'm gonna fix it.

Think I should put some tissue in mine too ? You need somethin'.

[ Laughing ]

It was a beautiful night so I decided to take a walk. Mm-hmm.

I saw this sign that said "All night Bible study"-- [ Laughing ]

So I decided to go. Mm-hmm.

Baby, I ain't making this up.

[ Laughing ] "All night Bible study."

When did he leave ? Yesterday.

Oh, God ! We're still gonna get to do it, right ?

Yeah, but I don't want your segment to lag.

You don't have to worry. We have got plenty to talk about.

We lost the stepdaddy in "I Slept with My Stepdaddy."

Claire, it's Troy. I wanted to leave you a message and tell you...

what a phenomenal time I had last night.

I hope to see you soon.

We're still gonna get to do it, right ? Yeah. I'm gonna juggle things around.

I need you guys to get into makeup now.

Damn it, damn it !

Please fill the seats in the back rows first.

We lost the stepdaddy in "I Slept with My Stepdaddy."

Do we have enough to cover it ? I'm working on it.

I gotta get back on the set. We'll talk later.

All right. Have a good show, Jerry. Okay.

It's like we're movie stars, isn't it, Angel baby ?

Wait a minute !

I can't believe we're here.

Y'all didn't say nothin' to Starletta, did you ?

You hear something ? Sounds like a scraggly-assed junkyard hound dog to me.

You want to sit here ? Where we gonna sit ? Wow.

So, Connie, what did it feel like when you found out...

your little girl here was having a sexual relationship with your husband ?

It was the worst day of my life. Good.

And, Angel, you must've been real pissed when you found out your mom...

was having a sexual relationship with your fiance, right ?

I didn't give a shit really. I mean--

It's-- I was really pissed.

Okay. Willie, I'll bet you were hurt and angry...

when you found out your fiancee was sleeping with her stepfather.

Am I right ?

[ Groans ] Willie ?

[ Willie Vomiting ] Lord.

[ Chanting ] Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

[ Chanting Continues ]

[ Chanting Continues ] Places, everyone.

Break a leg, baby. That's what they say, isn't it ?

Mm-hmm.

- I'm telling 'em everything. - No, you are not.

I am.

I am.

We need everyone in places.

Okay.

Okay, everybody, set. Let's get ready to go.

Okay, baby ?

What did he say to upset you so much ?

[ Audience Chanting, Cheering ]

Five.

Four.

[ Cheering ]

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thanks a lot. Thanks very much.

I'd like to welcome everybody. Thank you.

You're very nice. Welcome. We've got a great show today.

It is... "I Slept with My Stepdaddy."

Oooh.

And Mom's pretty ticked.

We've got a great show. Let's get right to it ! [ Cheering ]

[ Angel On TV ] First it was no big deal.

Just blow jobs when my mom would be out playing bingo.

After a while, we fell in love. You did what with my husband ?

In my own home ?

That's "a" ass kicking. You know what I'm saying ?

Let me see if I got this right. Angel is your fiancee.

And when Connie found out that her daughter...

was having a relationship with her husband,

she began to have a sexual relationship with you ?

- To teach her a lesson. - Right.

[ Jerry ] So you willingly...

had sex with your fiancee's mother, and that doesn't bother you ?

Why not ? I'm sure as shit not having sex with my fiancee.

Look at her ass. I know she ain't. She ain't no--

I know you ain't lookin' that hard. She ain't no vir--

- Me and Angel have never had sex. - Willie !

- Never ? - Never.

She wants to marry me because she's pregnant with her stepdaddy's baby.

[ Audience Groaning ]

She's afraid everyone's gonna find out about it.

Since I got a good job at Wal-Mart in Lakeland,

she thinks we can raise a baby, and everyone will think it's ours.

Motherfucker !

Shit ! You're pregnant with Rusty's baby ?

Don't be looking at me like that. You're the one that stole my diaphragm.

[ Angel ] It's true, Jerry.

When my mother started having an affair with my fiance,

she borrowed my clothes and my diaphragm.

That's sick.

White people are nasty.

No. Sick is coming to your show in L.A., and to catch her having sex with him.

[ Audience Groaning ]

Wait. Hold up. Did you see the two of them having sex ?

No, wait. Hey, hey, hey.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Let go of me !

Come on. You can't-- Calm down.

You stinkin' dog. You ain't never gettin' no more of this !

You need to quit. Wookie-looking little motherfucker.

Please, everybody.

Don't talk that shit. What shit ? We ain't talkin' shit.

Don't call at my house. I'm tired of denying you.

You stinkin' dog ! You stick it anywhere, don't you ?

Calm down. You can't be attacking our guest.

You know better than that. Particularly a pregnant one.

Everybody calm down. You okay ?

All right, go ahead.

Don't look at me. Mama--

I said, don't look at me !

Jerry, give me that microphone.

Me and Vonda saw Demond last night with her !

Yeah, it was her !

You had sex with Demond last night ? Of course not, baby.

She's lyin', 'cause me and Leshawnette saw them kissing at 3:00 in the mornin'.

Y'all sure ? Hold my shit. Yeah !

Child molester ! What's up with you ?

Old as you are, acting like a broke-ass Tammy Bakker.

Broke Wal-Mart Bitch !

I can't believe you fucked him. You knew I liked him, and went after him anyway.

You are always going after my boyfriends.

You told your mom you liked him when you're engaged to me ?

- Shut up ! - [ Starletta ] You bitch !

[ Audience Chanting ] Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

Freaks.

Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

What ? That's bullshit.

That ain't no bullshit. You know what the bullshit is ?

Is your ass talking about you was at Bible class.

What the hell was you thinkin' ? You wanted a double scoop of skank ?

Was that it ?

I hope you wore six condoms. Better yet, did you wear a body condom ?

You wear a condom on your tongue ? Huh ?

You ain't gotta worry about touching me.

- Fuck you ! - Don't you touch my man !

Don't you touch my man ! Get your hands off my man !

[ Audience Chanting ] Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

Let me go. Fuck you !

[ Chanting Continues ]

[ Angel ] Get the fuck off of me ! You started it.

He didn't start nothin' !

There you go, taking my fiance's side. Why don't you fuck him here ?

Bitch !

You're never comin' back home.

Fuck you. This is my baby. I'll take my baby and go somewhere else.

You are not my daughter. I'll take your damn husband, bitch.

[ Angel ] Fuck you.

[ Connie ] You piece of white fuckin' trash.

I'll be back with a personal observation after this word.

Crazy bitches.

[ Angel ] Well, you did it, got me on TV. Hope you're fuckin' happy.

[ Natalie ] Let me get you a glass of water. Thanks.

[ Connie ] I want to say something.

And saying something like this doesn't come easy to me,

so I'm just gonna say it up front.

All right ? Okay.

I had no business getting pregnant at 15.

But it happened, and I dealt with it.

I never regretted it for a minute, not even a second.

You know that, Angel baby. I know it.

It's just that...

a parent ought to have a world view,

a belief, a structure--

I don't know what the word is. Just something to pass on down to her kid.

I didn't have none of that to pass on down to you.

All I'm trying to say...

is that a parent wants to get better for a little girl.

Sometimes that just ain't too easy.

I done some things I don't understand.

I don't think anybody'd understand it.

Sometimes I lay at night in bed and I'm thinkin',

"Some of the things you done to Angel ain't right."

And you know it !

I don't know why I did some of the things I done, but I am sorry.

Very truly deeply from the bottom of my heart sorry.

I mean it.

I know it.

I promise I'm going to do better.

I ain't gonna be crazy like I've been.

Those days are over for me. I'm sick of it.

I'm gonna be better. You'll see.

I believe you.

Okay, I got you some water. Can me and my daughter have a moment alone ?

Just be a minute. [ Door Closes ]

What you gonna do ?

I don't know. Have it ?

I don't know.

Fact that it's Rusty's...

don't make it any easier. I know it.

Not that I'm passing judgment, 'cause I'm in no position to pass judgment.

Why don't we think on it a little bit ? Decide what's best.

We don't have a whole lot of time.

Yeah, I know it.

But... it'll come to us.

You'll see.

I feel better.

All things considered, Mama,

I think you done a real good job raising me.

Thank you, sweetheart. I tried the best I could.

Let's get the guests in their seats, calm the audience down.

[ Director ] Get ready for Jerry.

You know, it's hard to know what to do when you're angry.

You saw today people who had difficulty expressing that anger.

What we saw was a pitiful bunch of sinners !

All of you are the scum of the earth !

The worst America has to offer. You're gonna go straight to hell.

- You're pathetic, miserable excuses for the human species. - Have a seat. That's enough.

I'm not even sure you're a part of the human species.

You're no better than a pack of wild animals.

Hell no !

Hey, just sit down.

You should be ashamed. These people don't belong on TV.

You keep ragging on these people. Let me tell you something.

The rich and famous go on television every single day.

They reveal intimate, lurid details of their private lives.

They tell us who they sleep with, what drugs they're on.

And we can't get enough of it ! We just love that stuff !

Now, these people come on.

They're not rich. They're not powerful.

They're not famous. They're talking about the exact same issues.

They don't speak the King's English.

They don't belong to your fine, fancy neighborhoods and country clubs.

- But you know what ? - Tell him, Jerry.

They hurt just as much. And what are they now, the scum of the earth...

because they don't have your money, your power and your elitism ?

How dare they go on television !

I got a program note for you, buddy.

This is a slice of American life.

And if you don't like it, bite something else.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Jerry ! Jerry !

- Whoo ! - Jerry ! Jerry !

[ Audience Cheering, Chanting ] Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

You're so lucky. Yo, word is bond, kid.

Little ladies, the show's not until tomorrow, so take tonight to think about it.

No. We done made up our minds. We ain't doin' the show. Hello.

Why not ? 'Cause... they ain't no traitors.

Y'all my girls. Girl, look at you !

Oh, man ! You give her a hug, you ain't--

I'm serious. I love my girls.

What about Demond ? Fuck Demond, girl.

It's about us. Fuck him.

[ Vonda ] We going out tonight ?

Yeah !

[ All Chattering ]

Let's say good-bye to Jerry. You think ?

Oh, yeah. Come on, let's go.

[ Mel ] You've always been a populist, Jerry. Some things don't change.

Remember when my mom and dad came to visit us when we first started doing the show ?

Yep. They were very proud of you. [ Jerry ] Why not ?

I had already been a mayor, was a news anchor.

I was going to be the next Walter Cronkite.

My name means something a lot different now than it did back then.

[ Natalie ] Ah, Jer, you always land on your feet.

He's in there. All of a sudden I'm nervous.

You're going in there. I'm not doing it. You said you were.

I know, I know. I'll do it.

Jerry, I'm sorry to interrupt.

My daughter and me were wonderin' if you'd pose in a picture with us ?

Ah... sure.

Oh, thanks ! We'll only be a minute.

We did bring the camera from the hotel, didn't we ?

I think so. What bag did you put it in ? I thought in this one.

It's not in mine. Oh, here it is.

- Why don't I take it ? - Oh, thank you, sugar.

All you have to do is press that button.

You don't got to focus it or none of that. All right.

Why don't you guys get together ?

Okay, we'll stand here.

[ Mel ] Say "Velveeta." One, two, three.

I think I might've blinked. Could you take another one ? Sure.

[ Mel ] Cheesecake. Great.

- There you go. - Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sure, absolutely.

[ Mel ] Bye, ladies. Have a good trip back.

Oy vay, huh ? What a business.

Have a nice day. All right.

You're still bein' a dog ! Wait, you can take his off.

Ain't you the lonely one ? [ Laughs ]

Come on, the coast is clear. We've got time for one drink.

Look !

[ Jerry On TV ] Let me see if I have this right.

You say that you have sex with men while you're dressed like a woman.

These guys have no idea that you're really a man ?

[ Woman In Audience ] No way !

I don't mean any disrespect, but I find it hard to believe...

that somebody could be having sex with you and not realize you're really a guy.

I had sex with one of your staff members. Why don't you ask him ?

Oh, my God !

Staff member ? [ Charlie ] Yeah, Troy Davenport.

I knew it ! I called it, didn't I, Mama ? He's gay.

[ Connie ] You did.

He met me as Claire, and we had sex.

He's a member of our staff. Let's bring him out.

Troy ! Come on, buddy.

They need you in there. Give me a break.

[ Audience Applauding ]

[ Both Squealing ]

Troy, is that true ?

[ Laughing ]

Oh, my God !

E.R., my ass !

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Chanting ] Jerry ! Jerry ! Jerry !

Oh, my God.

Till next time, take care of yourself... and each other.

You too, Jerry. Isn't he a sweet man ? Just as sweet as can be.

And good looking too. Yes, he is.

Can we have two Jack Daniel's on the rocks, please ?

Maybe I shouldn't drink now that I'm pregnant.

Hell, I drank when I was pregnant with you. You turned out all right.

I've been thinkin'.

I don't think you should marry Willie. You and the baby should stay with me.

I was thinkin' the same thing.

The baby belongs with its mama and its grandma.

Oh, Lord. I'm gonna be a grandma.

Mmm-mmm-mmm. Hmm ?

We better get going. It's getting close.

You know what ?

What ?

This is the first family vacation we ever had. We never got to do that.

All and all, I think we done pretty good.

I agree.

All right.

Well, let's go, Angel baby.

We got a plane to catch.

[ Angel ] I can't believe how small that studio was.

It looks so much bigger on TV.

Willie, let's go !

You got all that ? There's one on the side of the couch.

I'm ready to go home. How about you ? You bet.

Them burgers from that little Clown Burger place !

They were very good. Excellent.

♪ Oh, yeah Cool ♪

Lord have mercy.

[ Angel ] Jesus Christ has come to the trailer park.

He's got really big feet.

Hey, y'all my neighbors ?

Why, yes.

Hi. My name's Angel. I'm Connie.

Hi, Connie. How are you ? Very good.

I just moved in a minute ago. Rented number two. Did you really ?

We just came back from a trip ourselves. We were renting number three.

So we are neighbors ! We certainly are.

You want to help us with the bags ? I'd love to.

Aren't you sweet ? You two pretty ladies.

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

♪ Whoa, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ The real one

♪ Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ All you greatest defenders scat fenders and sinners ♪

♪ Hundred dollar billers and heavy hitters ♪

♪ Dime figures Delicate nieces in my mind ♪

♪ Make my diamond shine Then my eyes glitter ♪

♪ Perpetrators and player haters ♪

♪ They can't fade us because we two are the greatest ♪

♪ We got to let 'em have it Face it ♪

♪ Bow down in the presence of players and kiss the carat ♪

♪ A wrist full of baggage for all the maggots ♪

♪ I up and get embarrassed Trick, get off my carriage ♪

♪ Uncut, no lie Straight off the key ♪

♪ Hundred percent "G" Who's putting me down on Miami's behalf ♪

♪ Home of the nickel pooch and the raw half ♪

♪ Everywhere we go the impression's felt ♪

♪ The room's stamped in the bag ♪

♪ Gang in the back Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see where the gang should be ♪

♪ The real one Ha, what, real one Ha, what ♪

♪ Gang in the back Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see where the gang should be ♪

♪ The real one Ha, what, real one Ha, what ♪

♪ It's '98 player Check your game ♪

♪ Make sure them young boys respect your name ♪

♪ Keep your heat at arm's reach cocked and ready ♪

♪ 'Cause the streets will catch you slippin' and rock you steady ♪

♪ Watch your back with your homies that you feel is real ♪

♪ Your homeboys from your crew, yeah ♪

♪ Them the ones that do you and the suckers that got the player hater venom ♪

♪ Hey, the venom I wanna take 'em outside and land slugs up in 'em ♪

♪ But that's trippin' and that ain't my sport ♪

♪ I'd rather lay up in my crib than to rob the poor ♪

♪ I sent my dozen on the street Bump my base, 'cause when I'm twistin' my duff ♪

♪ Can't nobody compete Imagine this ♪

♪ A hundred "G" laps on your wrist Imagine this ♪

♪ About ten carats on your fist Imagine this ♪

♪ All Don Ho's on your list

♪ It would be nice but your name ain't nice ♪

♪ I screwed the silencer on Rock you softly ♪

♪ How you gonna step on me, kid You grew up off me ♪

♪ TV's, movies and records and toys ♪

♪ So many buses And Versace I don't wear no more ♪

♪ Come and meet me in Miami Marquee, what's up ♪

♪ He said player chop some game on this bubble and cut ♪

♪ I said shoot me the track or you could contour ♪

♪ If you wanna ball and caddy I'll plan your whole tour ♪

♪ Gang in the back Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see where the gang should be ♪

♪ The real one Ha, what, real one Ha, what ♪

♪ Gang in the back Sun roof top ♪

♪ We want to see big long machine with the gang so mean ♪

♪ The real one Ha, what, real one Ha, what ♪

♪ The real one

♪ Oh-oh Oh-ooo-oh-oh ♪

♪ I'm gonna stay in the field on a request for the meals ♪

♪ And try to keep her real

♪ So I can sit back and kick it Write my own ticket ♪

♪ Live this lavish lifestyle Tripping the big tripping ♪♪