Original subtitles

My dewy heart doesn't brow what it's trying.

Swapping your blood with some aldehyde.

Monsters?

Whiskey fly, voices cry, prattles sigh.

Jesus, don't you know that you could have died? You should have died.

Well, with monsters it's all.

Monsters will walk you up.

She's got red lipstick and a bright parachute.

She's got knee -high thoughts, what to cover it through.

She's got an old deaf kid she's been leanin' to you. She's got blood in her

eyes, in her eyes for you. She's got blood in her eyes for you.

Living fast, drops and plaid, single that.

They run you hot and cold like a rail to die.

Throw your butt on a towel, hope it won't hurt you bad.

My dewy eyes, busy brow, what a child.

Swapping your blood with some aldehyde.

And she says, I like long walks and sci -fi movies.

You're six foot tall and East Coast bright.

But suddenly now we can get together.

And I want to tie your wrist with leather and fill a tiny hole into your

I want to drill a tiny hole.

What is this about?

No idea.

But it's not an exorcism. It's eminent that she'll be the scariest woman that

we've ever met.

Seriously? I don't know.

Be chuckled. So, uh, how many days before you're cooked?

Eighteen days.

And we can't convince you to give it up?

You will never get laid again.

That's not what I hear. Priests do pretty well.

I'm sorry, that's a weird thing to say.

Thank you for coming in early.

This is Ms. Anita Iota.

And these are our assessors, David, Kristen, Ben.

Hello.

So, Ms. Iota, how can we help you?

We need your advice.

We, who's we?

The IRS.

Is the church being audited?

Why? Should it be?

An IRS joke. I'm sure the Catholic Church is using every penny of its

substantial funds for altruistic purposes.

Yeah, except for the lawsuits.

Ms. Iota has requested the church form a new opinion on an organization applying

for federal recognition as a religion. For tax -exempt purposes?

Yes. As part of our process, we consider the opinions of neighboring federally

recognized religions. What new religion?

The new ministry of Satan.

The new ministry? There's an old one?

Several. And what does the IRS base its decision on? Four criteria.

One, the organization must be operated exclusively for worshiping a deity or

deities. The nature of that deity is not in question. It is that the

organization actually believes in it.

Two, the net earnings may not inure to the benefit of one person. Three, the

organization's purposes may not be illegal.

Are you texting?

No, it's just how she takes notes.

Finally, four.

No substantial part of the church's activities should be about influencing

legislation or politics.

Really? Well, I would admit that criteria is more honored in the breach.

that's all you have to do to become a religion? And some combination of a

history, literature, and place of worship.

So you want to stop it from being tax -exempt? We don't determine that.

But it would be helpful if you could guide the IRS to see that it doesn't

deserve tax -exempt status. What if they actually believe in Satan? Belief is

the greatest hurdle to tax -exempt status, but it's not the only hurdle. Is

church involved in politics, or can it be implied that it is? You mean unlike

the Catholic Church?

The key is to not look biased against their beliefs. We have to use the

of the IRS to stop this church.

So, where is this church?

It doesn't look like the Ministry of State. Yeah, I'd call that hiding your

light under a bushel.

What, is that blasphemous? Why don't you let me do the talking?

You're afraid they're going to convert us?

What do you need?

We're here at the request of the Internal Revenue Service.

All right.

Be right down.

Hi. Graham Lewson, Chief of Operations.

You the Catholic team?

Yes. David, Kristen, and Ben.

Step into my office, please. Good to meet you guys.

I've already had the Presbyterians and the Mormons.

Good guys.

They said they'd pray for us.

I said I'd pray for them, too.

I think that freaked them out.

You pray a lot?

Three times a day, morning, noon, and night.

Are they answered?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Our Father below controls the world, so I get exactly

want. Yeah, like what?

Oh, my enemies harmed, no gray hair, no acne, parking spaces.

Are your prayers answered?

I don't pray.

Really? Must be the new Catholicism. Do you believe in Satan?

Wow, yes, really.

Jump into it, huh?

Yeah, but I wouldn't call it belief.

I know Satan.

How do you know him?

Do you guys want a drink?

No, we're good.

How do you know Satan?

The same way you know Jesus.

He just makes sense to you, describes the world to you.

Satan does the same for me.

Except not you.

Is this your formal place of worship?

No, no. This is the front office.

Only been up and running six months. Temple's in the back. Come on.

So, what are you doing?

Filling orders.

Yeah? You mind if I see?

Sure. How much are these?

Those are all $35.

Are they popular?

Oh, yeah.

More so at Christmas.

So this is a big moneymaker.

Our cost is about six bucks, so you tell me.

Which one's the favorite?

This one.

And we're most proud of our statue of Baphomet.

So this is your established place of worship?

Yes. One of the IRS requirements.

You seem very aware of what we need.

Well, I've been reading the IRS literature.

Have to clear that tax -exempt bar.

Do you have regular service? We do.

When?

Friday, 8 p .m. Join us.

A distinct membership?

Oh, we doubled our membership in two months. Yeah, from what to what?

I'd have to check those numbers.

Guess.

Started with eight, and now we have 12.

How much of a congregation?

As many as Christ had.

And here is some of our literature.

What's your creed?

Do what you want, unless it hurts someone.

If someone presents themselves as your adversary, destroy them.

And look for rewards now, not after.

Satan, all glory. Destroy them.

How? Not in any way that would break the laws of the United States.

Tell me how you pray to Satan.

Oh, Father below, lend me your power to do what I want to who I want.

Take away all my regrets and burning them in your hellfire, et cetera, et

cetera.

Not much of a prayer.

No, I'm working on it.

This is a scam, isn't it? O ye of little faith, no more a scam than your church.

Let me ask you a question. If this church doesn't really believe in Satan

all they're doing is just selling T -shirts, then aren't they just harmless?

Possibly. Let's collect our data and brief his eminence.

The exorcism will be spread over three nights, six hours every night.

You'll want to quit, but quitting is not an option.

I won't quit, Father.

I never do. This is the final rite of exorcism. It is intense and it's

But in the end, I'll be clean?

Or dead.

Whoa. That's a bit melodramatic.

I will be performing the rite.

We'll start tonight.

But I need you to sign this consent form.

It acknowledges the possible dangers.

Can I have a minute to read this and consult with my spiritual counselor?

I need your answer by the time I leave, or I'm moving on to the next exorcism.

Ouch.

Not a lot of Christian love there.

I see through you.

What is that?

Where is this place?

The address is on the back.

I look like we're new members.

This is blasphemy. What are you smiling about?

These idiots don't believe in Satan.

They're just co -opting the devil to get press and piss off religious people.

And tax -exempt status.

Son of a bitches.

These people should be strung up by their toes, their throats slit, and the

blood poured on an altar.

How do you know they don't believe?

Look at this.

We're not a timeshare.

Look at these pictures. Kids, picnics.

Satan cares about your future? What are they, insane?

What is belief in Satan about?

Power.

Rejection of authority.

Manipulation. Violence.

Disgust with people like you. This guy, this dick.

Graham. He doesn't care about any of that. He's just using it.

Here, go ahead.

Tell that priest I'm ready.

When you tell me that you're fine...

And I know that you're not.

It makes me feel confused about our relationship. Yeah, but that's because I

fine. Kristen, mirroring.

When I say I'm fine, even though you know I'm not fine, it makes you confused

our relationship. Is that what you're saying? Yes. And would you like to add

anything to that?

No. Good.

Kristen, your turn.

When you keep asking me, are you fine, even though I am fine, it makes me think

that you feel guilty about leaving your family for six months out of the year.

Kristen. What? He can speak his truth. I can't speak mine. As long as it's not

score settled. Oh, my gosh. Can we just talk, Andy? Yeah, we haven't been

talking. Well, then talk to me now.

What is the problem? You know, I think it's best to stick with the mirror

exercise. Are you speaking with someone?

Well, good.

The truth exercise.

No, I'm not sleeping with anyone.

Not Ben?

What? No.

Of course not.

Not David?

No.

He's becoming a priest. I would never.

Are you sleeping with anyone?

Corinthians, look at me and tell me that you're not sleeping with David.

Andy, I shouldn't have to tell you anything.

You should trust me as I trust you.

Okay.

Good session.

Andy, would you excuse us for just a minute?

I thought that went well. Kurt, I'm hallucinating again.

Are you still taking the Risperidone?

Yeah, two a night.

And there's no progress?

No, if anything, it's worse.

Well?

I think I should prescribe something else.

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy.

God, the Father in heaven.

God, the Son, Redeemer of the world.

Stop! I'm on fire!

I need some water! My body is on fire! Holy Mary, pray for us. Holy Mother of

God, Holy Virgin.

Do you really believe that Mary was a virgin?

That whole... All holy saints of God. Stop it!

Holy Lord Almighty Father.

She said stop.

You do not know the power you provoke.

Pass a tyrant to the flames of hell.

All holy saints of God.

Are you all right, David?

No.

He couldn't fake that, could he?

Fake that?

No.

He's sleeping now.

We'll return tomorrow.

Waiting on Ben?

Uh -huh.

Um, real quick, Kristen.

I'm going to need your help tonight.

Okay. With what?

Leland's exorcism.

Are you kidding?

Why? Something changed.

I don't know what.

You were talking about this adrenaline jolt with Raymond Strand.

Hysterical strength.

Right? I think there's something like that here.

He launched a priest.

Against the wall.

He launched?

He kicked a priest who flew eight feet across the room.

And there are these voices coming out of him.

Do you think Leland's starting to take his exorcism seriously?

No, I think God is.

Monthly real estate rental, $23 ,000 a month. Three full -time employees, $9

,000 a month total. Not much money in Satanism. Not yet, but their T -shirt

sales are up 20 % each month, and their Christmas sales could be up 80 % over

last year. So you think the best way of stopping them is criteria number two.

They're making money. Yeah.

I mean, this operating officer has tripled his business over the last year.

I agree.

I have something I want you to hear.

This came in this morning.

I saw a beast come out of the sea with ten horns and seven heads.

It was granted authority over every tribe, people, tongue, nation, and all

were on earth worshipped the beast.

I am Bishop Jim from the New Ministry and this is your Holy Scripture and

Doctrine.

This sounds like someone who believes.

Find out if this Bishop Jim is faking it or not.

We're here to see Bishop Jim.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Jim wanted to meet you.

Are you having services here tonight?

Back there.

That's Iris.

Nice lady.

Seems it.

Hey, Catholic church could do a hell of a lot better with altar girls like her.

Note taken.

Now, good production values.

Jim is the sister Amy of Satanism.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Jim.

You got a minute? Ah.

These are the Catholic assessors. Yes.

Hello, David, Kristen, Ben. We want to interrupt your services.

Oh, no, no. This is just a dress rehearsal.

Ooh. Can I see?

Sure.

Oh, say, Christopher.

Hmm? Why him? What do you think?

Large man.

Wanted to serve the greatest king, so he served my father below.

Until he realized Satan feared God, so he wasn't the greatest.

How things have changed.

If Christopher were alive today, who would he serve? You tell me. How do we

him again? Burning metal rods up his ass, right? He resisted.

All he had to do was condemn God, but he resisted.

That's power.

Really? Who would you rather be?

The man having burning rods stuck up his ass, or the man putting them there?

Do you pray to Satan all the time?

Asking me about our creed.

I know the IRS cares about our creed.

Find these religious debates boring, too?

Jim could go on for hours and hours.

What do you want out of this?

Is this some kind of IRS trap?

Of course.

Look.

I believe in the real Satan, right? Not some cute little horned paper mache

doll. I believe in force tied to power. Satan is metaphor.

No, it's real.

When you hate someone for cutting you off in traffic, is that real?

If you're married and you flirt with someone, they brush up against you, you

feel their erection. Is that real?

You think it's Satan?

It's not God.

God wants us to live castrated.

But I look at you and I see your nipples.

Peeking through your blouse.

That's not God.

No, that's your imagination.

Look, Satan loves female sexuality.

He wants women to take charge.

And yet, all I see is half -naked women here.

I mean, for a phallic religion, it's not a lot of phalluses.

Join us. You could change all of that. We still need a chair for the women's

auxiliary.

Am I funny?

Yeah, yeah.

Whenever I see white supremacists marching or gamer boys trolling women

or you, I always wonder, don't you guys have day jobs?

You still going out?

Yeah. Work.

I, uh, thought we could have dinner together. Tomorrow's my last day.

I already promised.

Let's do it tomorrow?

God damn you!

May God arrive!

May his enemies be scattered! Please, stop, stop, stop!

May his foes flee before him. That smoke is blown away by the wind.

You can't hurt him.

I am not deceived.

We are the deception.

Holy Lord.

Almighty Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Hold on to him.

Militiae selectis, satanam alios prae spiritus malignos. Fiat perditionem

animarum.

Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the

wickedness and snares of the devil. Be our protection against the wickedness

snares of the devil.

O Prince of the Heavenly Father, by the power of God, pass yourself.

Thank you.

Tequila? What a coincidence.

Hey.

I was just thinking about you.

What?

Are you following me?

Something like that.

Are you trying to convert me?

No.

No, I don't really believe.

And I don't think you do either.

Where?

Get in.

Lower your pants.

No foreplay?

Lower your pants.

You've done this before?

How do you care?

I'm just making small talk.

No.

So what is this about?

What do you think?

This is my advice.

Go upstairs quietly, take a bath, wash every inch of you, then drain the water

and take a shower.

Gargle, get a trash bag, put all those clothes in it, and tell nobody. I don't

know what you think happened. I know what happened, honey. It was the same

I came home to dad.

Put some real garbage in the trash bag on top of your clothes.

The trash is collected tomorrow.

I'll take it up over here. I think I just had something.

Yeah,

what do you need?

Help!

You tired?

Cheryl, you know I would only call if... You're no fun when you're needy. I'm

not trying to be fun!

Oh, God.

You know this only works if it's transactional, right?

What do you want?

Oh, I don't know. What you got?

Edward.

Give me 20 minutes.

How did it go?

Fine.

Just your everyday exorcism.

You made cookies.

I missed you.

I missed you too.

Oh, I'm really glad.

Hmm? What's wrong?

Just something in the bathroom.

Kurt! I'm hallucinating!

I know. We're modifying your medication. No, I have to stop right now.

No more olanzapine. No more emulsify to alleviate the side effects of the

olanzapine. Kristen, we agreed it was a good idea. I'm seeing monsters that

aren't there. Coming down from the medication can be just as dangerous. Who

you working for?

What?

Are you sleeping with my mom? Is she having you do this? What? I don't

you, Kurt. Not anymore.

Kristen, this is paranoia. It would be paranoia if I had no justification.

Sit down.

Let's talk. No, you're fired.

What? I am done coming here.

That is not a good idea. It's the best idea I've had. You're in league with

them. You gave my therapy notes to Leland. They were stolen. And now you're

sleeping with my mom and you're feeding her information.

We need to talk.

You tell me again how I'm paranoid. I am on with my wife.

Listen.

Talk to her.

What is going on?

I'm being hunted.

Okay, come on. Get up. Let's go.

I don't think I can stand.

Don't be such a baby.

Sit

first.

Sit.

One leg up.

The other leg.

You okay?

There you go.

All right.

Drink this.

The two women from the airport.

How many more

nights of this?

What? This exorcism.

One.

Can you survive it?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Remember our agreement?

I do.

Alrighty then.

Rinse off.

And you're saying this has...

Nothing to do with your deep philosophical differences with the new

Satan. Correct. The organization fails two of the IRS's four core criteria.

It is not operated exclusively for worshiping Satan.

Kristen? Yes. Six months before this church was formed, Graham Lucian and Jim

Logger were selling these T -shirts.

And they only created this pamphlet when they applied for tax -exempt status.

Anything else?

Yes. The net earnings are for one individual.

Ben? Yeah, the bank statements show that the profits were pocketed by Graham

Lucian, including the church collections. As you can see, our

biased, but they do conclude that the new ministry of Satan does not live up

IRS standards.

Well presented.

The two gentlemen from the church have asked to be heard after your

presentation.

What? They've argued that your team is biased, and they wanted to offer their

piece.

Mr. Lucian, Mr. Lager, please, come in.

Oh, look who it is. Hi, Jesus.

Gentlemen.

Lady.

So, what's the bias?

I'm an atheist, I don't care who you worship, and Kristen is an agnostic. I

know. We talked.

Then what is the bias?

Ah.

Kristen slept with me last night, and now she wants to hurt me.

Really?

Well, that's an original way to go.

Kristen, any response?

Is this not true?

Oh, are you kidding me? I would rather sleep with Satan himself.

You are such a liar.

What do you want me to do?

Swear on a stack of Bibles or the Satanic Bible? You tell me. Okay.

I think we're done here.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Um, we're not.

Satan isn't.

He's coming for you.

All three of you.

Take care.

Well, that proves one thing.

No matter how powerful Satan and God are, the IRS is stronger.

Please, no, please stop it. May God arise.

May his enemies be scattered. May his foes flee. Help me, Satan.

Deliver me.

He is on your...

I will be delivered.

May his foes flee before him as smoke is blown away by the wind. May you blow

them away.

Heavenly hosts, by the power of God, cast into hell and all the evil spirits

prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth and in Jesus

Christ, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit.

Do you renounce the devil and all his work?

I do.

I do.

Do you tell the devil that he no longer has power over you because you no longer

live in his kingdom of darkness?

I do. Do you claim the protecting power of God?

I am a new man.

Father, you did it. You have given me a fresh start. I can't thank you enough.

Thank you.

Thank you. It's not over yet. You need to pray every night. Here is my own

personal rosary.

Oh, my God.

That is so sweet of you. David, look.

I am so blessed.

But I hope that David will remain my spiritual advisor.

I would advise it.

Kristen?

Hello?

Kristen?

You alright?

Have you been in there all this time?

Did that one get to you?

What one?

The exorcism.

I lost you in the middle of it.

I was wondering if you were done with this job.

No, I'm just getting started.

Can I ask you, if you don't believe in God, can an exorcism work on you?

Sure.

God exists despite what any individual thinks. Right, but for a placebo to

the patient has to believe in the drug. Yes, but an exorcism isn't a placebo.

That's where you and I disagree.

Oh, wow.

I don't think I've ever seen the stars like this in the city.

A new moon.

Oh, my gosh.

My husband leaves tonight.

When?

Ten minutes.

Oh, you better hurry.

Sorry.

Uh, hey.

Thanks for being here.

Hey. Just wanted to say goodbye.

Your Uber is outside.

Thanks. Yeah.

I'm sure Kristen had to work late.

Yeah. Let's tell her I'll call. Definitely.

You've reached Andy Bouchard at 8, Summit Trekking. Please leave a message.

Andy, I'm on my way home. Please don't leave yet. I'm so sorry. I need to see

you.

I've been off.

It's not you. It's been me, and I'm so sorry. You and the kids are the best

thing that ever happened to me.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

I got your message.

I was worried I'd miss you.

Got another flight for tomorrow.

What's this?

This is a fire puja.

It's for purification.

Tibetan Buddhist.

So what you do is you write down the thing that you want purified,

and then you dip the paper in some butter or margarine. Okay.

So you write your affliction and go.

Oh, and if it involves a person, you draw a circle of protection around the

name. Why?

Because burning a person's name is not.

A good thing.

Now, we never mention this to each other ever again.

Oh, my God. This is so much better than that mirror exercise.

Okay.

Dip it in here.

It's warm.

Yeah. One, two, three, go.

What happens now?

I go sell the business.

And when I come home, you and I have a fresh start.

Hey.