Original subtitles

I can't believe it.

Might as well have a drink now.

I think it was all right, don't you? It went very well.

All the food was eaten anyway.

some Stoughton on the carpet. People didn't seem to want to leave.

You don't think I finished too early?

God, no, I'm exhausted.

I'm only just beginning to relax.

I hate being the host. You looked tense.

Did I?

Especially when you were talking in the corner to Emma Seymour. Oh, come on.

Your eyes were swivelling about like a thief. Get away!

I bother with any of that tonight.

You're really fancy, aren't you?

She's, uh... No, not in that way.

Matthew, that is too.

What do you mean?

Did he say anything?

Well, uh, he sort of laughed.

Then he said, uh, my, my.

Look at John.

You've been frowning at him.

Thank you. It was me being bored. We were talking about the European

In low voice.

What? You were talking about the European Parliament in low voices, with

holding her elbow.

There's no way I'd arrange for any muscles to escape your muscles, is

If I don't blame you or anything, the best thing I can do is wear a stocking

over my head. You need more than a mask, Johnny boy. You looked as though you

wanted a licker all over.

I'm glad you're making it. That's what I'll do.

Shall

I

make some coffee?

Glad it's all over.

Glad I'm going back to work tomorrow.

I hate parties.

Especially ours.

I hate Christmas.

There used to be all right in Christmases. No, never.

I used to like getting up in the morning and seeing my presents I got.

I'd be so excited I'd hold my breath. And then not get what you really wanted.

Oh, but I did several times.

I was born in a girl's house, but I never dared say so.

That's nicer than soldiers or a fort or whatever junk it was I actually did get.

Little people can care, don't they? Little people and pans.

At night. Little people, very little people, having a past with low voices in

the corner. Oh, I see, a paranoid doll.

What's the matter, Jenny?

I hope Malcolm kills you. Why should he want to do that? Because you're sleeping

with his wife.

Oh, Christ almighty, when do you see a doctor? I have.

I have.

I went to see Donald.

What for? When? To get some help.

I thought you were sleeping with another woman. I said I wasn't sure, but I

thought... Don't blame him, right?

Mrs. Marrow might have proved that, ma 'am. What did he say?

He gave me some tranquilizers.

You're so small. I had to do something.

It's all in your head. It's sheer fantasy.

I kissed three months ago in the hall.

But that's what you're basing everything on. You catch us like that. We all had

too much to drink. The way you behave.

The way she behaves.

Like hell. Come on.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

depress anybody.

What the hell?

What's happening?

Well, John, be careful.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What the fuck is happenin' out there? Oh my god!

Devil.

Fucking devil.

Bloody devil.

Fucking bugger.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, bless the bed that I lie on.

And if I die, before I wake, I pray the Lord my

soul to take.

It really hurts, doesn't it?

I hate the mornings.

What do I do now?

Do you have to go into the office today?

Yes, I do. You'll be all right here.

I was obviously just a village drunk, nothing to worry about.

If you're not well, we needn't have that bloody dinner tonight.

You're not going to be unfriendly, are you?

Look, darling, we've had this all out.

Emma and Martin are our friends. And a mountain is also my partner.

I'm fed up with all this.

Your what?

Your suspicions, your paranoia. I am not, not, not having an affair with

Got it?

I'm not going to talk about it anymore.

Oh, bobs!

Blacker. Blacker.

You might like that.

Yes, it is.

Happy New Year.

Sorry. Oh, it's morning. What do you want? I've got no watch.

I beg pardon, eyes open. I'm not properly dressed or anything. I thought

weren't going to come back.

Well, I thought I'd changed my mind.

You have?

I have that.

Oh,

well, it's cold out here. You'd better come on in.

Thanks very much, miss.

You look old.

No, I didn't.

Not me.

I'm not stupid, you know.

What? Bet you think I'm stupid.

Oh, Billy, of course I am.

You sure? Well, just because you can't read and write. Nobody knows I can't

read. Nobody knows. That's a crime.

Except for me and you and that bloke with his sticking plants and his glasses

fix and stuff. It's a secret, see? I understand.

I don't go around shouting about it. No, of course not. I mean, if I see a shop

full of electric fires and hoovers and washing machines and that, I don't stop

some old girl on the street and say, beg pardon, Mrs. Is this the post office

now, do I?

Oh, but I want to read, so I decided to come back.

Give you another chance, like. You don't mind, do you? Oh, well, I'm very

pleased. Just done.

Do you want a cup of coffee before you again?

No, I've been thinking, see?

What about?

My life.

Doesn't need laugh at me, mind!

Sorry, it was the way you said it.

Yeah, I know.

Do you want to go and get myself a cup of coffee?

You want your exercise book?

Oh, shit.

Don't mind me. I hear a lot worse.

I think it's wicked, of course.

Do you?

Aye, I do.

I've been effing this and effing that all me lifelong days, but not no more.

Not if I can help it, Mrs. Johnson.

How's that?

I've met Jesus, haven't I?

How do you mean exactly?

Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour, who died to save us all.

Amen. What?

So you've met him, have you?

Oh, yes, I've met him, all right.

How and where did you meet him exactly?

I opened up to see a little door in my heart and I let him in, just like that.

That's why I want to read, innit?

That's why I don't want to cuss no more.

You got it?

I've been born again, see?

It's all new, like I've been washed, all clean and shiny.

That's very nice.

Oh, you've got no idea how low I was.

Down in the dumps, everything was like... Like it was raining all the

Drizzling, you get me?

Yes. Raining on the sleeps, all dull and sort of wet on the sleeps.

The rain on the roof, yes.

Raining on your blinking brain, I reckon.

Yes.

The Bible.

That's the book I want to read, Mrs.

Oh, dear.

Why, what?

You've got to learn to walk before you can crawl, Billy.

Don't get you.

It doesn't matter.

Crawl? What do you mean, crawl?

It was a joke, sort of. Don't you read the Bible, then?

Not anymore, no.

This bloke at the door says it's all wrote down in this book.

Everything that's ever happened. And everything that will ever happen.

And how to live forever and... And everything.

Oh.

No, that's right, mate. That's what this bloke said.

You... You only got to ask. He said it's yours just for the asking.

Who is he, this bloke?

Magnus Magnuson.

Don't look up too much.

Came to the door with my dad.

He had a stinking bad cold.

Not half.

Didn't stop him talking.

I've been hearing him.

Comes in now.

Has a cup of tea, a bit of cake.

Likes jam sponge.

Doesn't he indeed?

I told him to shut off at first.

Push him in the chest like that.

Knocked him arse over.

Backside over.

You know.

But he don't mind.

He gets up, puts his hand on my arm and he says, you don't know what your miss

have done.

You don't give yourself a chance.

He was right, you know. Well, well, well.

Gives me these little books.

What?

Gives me these little books.

I ain't got no pictures in them. Only this old bloke with a light round his

head.

So he doesn't know you can't read?

No, but... Funny suspect.

Yeah. Getting a funny sort of look in his eye, know what I mean?

Like I got a funny smell.

On Monday, was it? Yeah.

Starts asking me to read little bits out loud.

What did you do?

Wipe me shoes on me socks.

What? Fitted it.

Oh.

So that's why you decided to come back and try again, hmm?

Just read this.

This bit.

I said...

Well, I said I banged my head on a tractor and got this double -watch

And, well, he just sits here looking at me and sipping his tea and looking at me

and breaking off little bits of my mam's jam sponge and looking at me.

I don't know where to put myself.

Nice sponge, I says.

Do you like your sponge, Mr Cattle? What did he say?

Jesus, our Lord and Saviour, can see right deep into our hearts. That's what

said.

Right down beneath our bones.

And he's crumbling up a bit of sponge between his fingers and I'm feeling that

small.

Jesus knows when we are telling a lie, he says.

You aren't telling lies, Billy.

No? No.

It was just an excuse.

Same difference.

If we all told the whole truth all the time, the whole world would collapse. It

would be unbearable. It really would.

It's going to collapse anyway.

What is? A blinking world is.

The world's going to come to an end.

It's going to end.

It's going to end.

Mr Seymour there.

The North British Assurance Company.

Emma?

Listen, I've no time to explain now.

No, listen!

Janet is on to us. Just be very... No, listen!

Be very careful when you come tonight.

Oh, yes, it's right and all. The world's going to come to an end. He did that as

well, did he? An end to?

That's definite, that's for sure.

It's all silly, stupid, superstitious rubbish.

Don't you believe it?

No, very silly.

Well, I do.

I believe it.

And if you was a man, I'd punch the head in.

I believe it.

It'll happen any day now.

Just look at the place.

The world, look at what we've done to it.

We don't treat it right.

The world was a dog, an old dog. You'd want to put it out of its misery.

I walk up and down looking at it, and I know, see?

What would you say? I know!

I sees what people gets up to.

Worse than animals.

Worse than the dirtiest animal that ever shoved its snout in a trough. I seen

them!

What do you mean?

Look through any window, missus.

Is that what you do, Billy?

You look through other people's windows?

Poor old world.

It was a lovely garden once, you know.

Aye.

All lovely and perfect.

Animals.

And plants and people.

No cops, no soldiers, no baked beans.

Do you look through other people's windows?

No dirt, no thickness.

No arguments.

None of that.

Look at it now, though.

No wonder Joe was fed up to the back teeth of the whole stinking mess.

He's going to burn it up.

Burn the whole lot down. You listen to the squealing man.

Well, he's not very nice then, is he? You just don't get it.

You don't understand.

If you'd let me tell you all about it... No, Billy, please don't ask.

There's a lot of people walking around not knowing what's going on. And how

they could save themselves and live forever. I don't want to see you burnt

cinder, Mrs. Johnson, if you'd let me tell you all about it. No, no, please

don't. What's the matter?

There isn't time.

No, there isn't that. Not much time at all.

Yes, well...

It's a paper.

What's it called?

Oh, fuck.

In the dictionary, Billy, I mean, it is a proper word, and shit is in the Bible.

Get away.

You didn't know I went to a conference school, did you?

What's that?

Oh, you were taught by nuns.

Bloomin' heck, that must have been creepy.

Why do you say that?

Them black cloaks and that, they do shade their heads, don't them?

Tin heads for teachers, that's a laugh.

Oh, not these nuns.

We never saw them stark as anyway.

We were told never to let anyone see our naked bodies.

Well, that's right, isn't it?

Is it?

Of course it is.

Well, what about my poor husband?

Doesn't seem very fair to him. I didn't mean accepting for him.

Unless you want to be a right little scrubber, I mean.

You've got to respect yourself if you want anybody else to respect you.

That's only plain decent, isn't it?

You don't need an ignorant bloke like me to tell you that.

Not a clever lady like you.

Here.

Ah.

It's very nice of you. I'll bring the other one back, I promise.

Yes, well, let's get started, shall we?

What? What's the matter?

Billy, what is it?

Don't you think you should open another button on that thing?

I'm begging your pardon.

Does it disturb you?

Well...

Hope you don't think I was rude.

Sit down, Billy.

Now.

Now.

Remember that last time you came, we made a little word.

We made the word it.

I -T, remember?

Yes.

Well, write it down for me, then.

In this sheet of paper.

Aren't you going to write it first? No, Billy.

I know how to do it. Yes, I know you do. I forget, that's all. My mind's gone

blank. Well,

it's got two letters, I, T.

A little I and a little T.

I know.

I got it.

That's the one where a bloke taking a dart off standing next to his funny old

signpost, isn't it? Is it?

Aye, it is. Look.

Here's the man.

See? I ain't got no arms and no legs.

And there's this trilby hat up in the air. That's high, that is.

There it is.

What'd I tell you? Well, what about the tea?

Um, hold on.

That's the funny old signpost, right?

Very good.

Aye, it is that.

Yes, but look, try and make these letters come closer together.

See, all letters in a word should stand hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder. Look,

just as we are now.

See, that's how you know they belong together. They make a family.

Just the answer?

The spaces are between the words, Billy.

Not between the letters.

The spaces are between the words.

Mrs. Johnson?

Spaces are between the words.

All the letters in the words stand shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, as

we are now.

See, that's how you know they belong together. They make a family.

The spaces are between the words, Billy.

Yeah, I know.

Now, these two letters belong together in this little word.

I -T.

So write the letters again for me. Write it again, but put the letters much,

much closer together.

You said let's write it again.

It. Do you get me? Do you get it?

Good, isn't it?

Just write I -T close together, please.

How about that, then?

Very good.

Again? You want me to do it again?

No, no. I want you to write me a B.

A what?

B.

Makes a B sound.

B -B -B -B -B -B -B.

You sound like one of them little jack motorbikes, Mrs. Johnson.

Billy, for goodness sake, please, stop this. Mrs. this and Mrs. that. My name

Janet.

I don't know what I can do, a B.

Well, you wrote it for me last time, over and over again.

You think I'd be stupid, doesn't it?

Oh, no, Billy, I don't think you're stupid. I don't think you're stupid at

not one little bit.

Your dad thought so.

Your dad thought I was.

Look, you obviously have a highly visual imagination.

What's that when it's at home?

Well, you remember things in a certain way, now let's think.

If I is a little man with his hat in the air, B

is the same little man without his hat in the air and with a football

stuck to his toe.

There, see? That's what I'd done. Almost, but look, the ball really is

his toe. Now, you lift a little space in between.

Proper little Kevin Keegan, isn't he?

Do you like football?

It's all right.

A lot of bad language, though.

I stopped going to Ashton Gate, Bristol City.

Curtin was getting a lot of jobs.

John, my husband, he goes to see Bristol Rovers sometimes.

Rovers? Mm -hm. What for?

Well, I don't know.

We don't talk about it. It's one of the things we don't share.

Their goalkeeper got them bagels from bending down so much they picked the

out the back of the net.

He tried to put his head in his hands and missed.

Not as bad as that, are they?

Compared to Siddy? Well, I'll tell you.

It was this blokesy.

Has a little parrot.

Takes it down the boozer every Saturday.

This is a joke. No.

Sorry, because I'm not very good with jokes.

Little monkey sits here on the bar. What did you say to the parrot?

What?

Sorry.

This little parrot or monkey or whatever it is sits there in the bar wringing

its little hands.

Or claws.

Or claws.

I don't know if it was a monkey.

Anyway, it's sitting there in the bar, whatever it is, all upset, going, oh,

oh, no.

What's wrong with the monkey?

Yeah, it was a monkey.

What's wrong with it, the old landlord asks.

Yeah, must have been a monkey, not a parrot. Sorry.

That's all right.

What's up with it?

Doesn't worry, says this bloke. He always does that when Bristol Rovers

beat.

What does he do when Rovers win then, this bloke asks.

I don't know, says.

I don't know.

I've only had him a year.

Very funny.

You don't have to laugh, you know, not if it hurts.

Oh, well, I think it's always wise to laugh if somebody makes a joke.

Not if it isn't funny.

You're quite a Puritan, aren't you?

Yes and no.

What do you mean?

I always say that when I don't know what the question is.

What's a Puritan, anyway?

Someone who...

Well, if you make a joke, for instance, I don't think it'll be a dirty joke.

No, it wouldn't. It isn't right.

Sex can be very, very funny.

Yeah, well... Hilarious.

Don't you think so?

Yes and no.

Yes, well, don't let's waste any more time.

Write me a B, exactly like the one I did, but... Put it in front of the IT

there. You've been biting your nails.

Oh, yes.

I'm an extremely neurotic woman.

Be very careful if I were you, my lad.

Here, do you mean?

Write it here?

You're like a little boy when you concentrate.

Your whole face puckers up.

What?

How's that, then?

Very good.

Right, what does the word say, the whole word?

Um, bee -et.

No, no, Billy, the bee makes a buh sound. Buh, buh, buh, like the

remember?

Bed.

Oh, bed!

Very good.

Very good, and that's how we'll get along, Billy, bit by bit, until you can

and write.

You think I can?

You think I will?

Well, of course you will.

The world doesn't end first.

What?

Yes, you will be able to read and write, Billy, if only you stick it out. I'll

stick it out, all right. I've got a good teacher, haven't I?

Have you?

B -I -T.

Don't you like holding my hand?

What?

Uh, okay. Now, I know from what you said before that you can write B .N .S.

Oh, yes. I thought you was never going to ask. Oh, I'm patient.

It's like a snake, it says. All coiled up, isn't it?

Our old friend the snake.

Pardon? You wait till you can read the Bible.

That'll be great, won't it? Fantastic.

Okay, do B .N .S.

Uh, I could do them all day long.

Yeah, that's an S.

Okay, now do me an S, but put it in front of the I -T

like you did with the B, shoulder to shoulder.

Okay.

Now what does this new word say?

Sit. Good boy!

Sit. Sit.

It's a pity your dog isn't here, isn't it?

Sit. Sit.

Good boy!

You think I'm condescending?

Yes and no.

Oh, Billy, what is it?

It's nothing.

I've got a flash in front of me eye.

What do you mean?

I... I saw lightning.

Is it that bad?

Are you all right? Of course I be. Are you sure? Are you by alone?

Okay, well, uh... Now, what does an F make?

Fuh.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, I get your meaning.

Fit. Fit. Right on. Yeah, fit.

Mm -hmm.

If I go on at this rate, there won't be no more words left, just as well, I

reckon.

Right. Now, if I change the I into an A... Yeah, hold on, Mrs. Now, I know you

know an A, Billy. I know very well you do.

There.

At.

That.

The A makes an R sound.

Now, what does that say?

Well done.

Good. Now, if I change this S, the snake, into a B,

the man with the football, remember?

What does that say?

Bat.

Splendid. Bat.

Bat. Bat.

Bat.

Bat.

Billy,

what is the matter?

It's a pain in the...

Oh my God.

Could you walk me through to Dr. Francis, please?

Um, what? No, no, no, I know.

Oh.

Yes. Yes?

Bloody hell, did you stupid cow.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not being rude.

I'm sorry, yes.

Hello, Donald.

Look,

I'm at home.

I've got somebody here.

Oh, Donald, it's been... I don't know what... My name is...

Calling out in pain.

He's now rolling on the floor.

Oh, please, I don't know what to do. Is it meningitis or what?

Oh, John's at the office.

Please come quickly, please.

It's okay, thank you. Thank you very much.

Billy?

Oh, not long now, Billy.

Eyes on the road, my boy.

Tell me why, Malcolm.

Because we don't want a bump.

No, but we do want a bang now again, don't we?

Christ, it's cold.

They're not brass, are they?

And two sherrys, please, miss.

I wonder if women think about it as much as men do.

Doubt it.

Anyway, I don't. No, I think you're right.

Certainly not as much as you do, John.

When you're ready.

I'll be thy name.

I'll be thy

name.

Cheddar. I mean adjectives like sliced, fresh rat.

Tasty, country, farmhouse. All those bloody commercial words.

In the end, you might as well come right out with it and say plastic.

Well, it is, ain't it? We have to believe in the product.

Or pretend to.

Yes, or at least pretend to.

Aren't you hungry?

Not very.

That sounds reasonably palatable.

Sounds as though it's been dunked in bloody sherry. It'd be an improvement,

wouldn't it?

Mrs Johnson?

Mrs Johnson?

Mrs Johnson?

Mrs Johnson? Billy, are you all right?

What's been going on?

Just a minute.

Mrs Johnson?

Are you feeling any better?

What?

Where's my clothes? What's been happening?

Is your head better? Is the pain gone?

Yes.

Well, I mean, that's all right.

Well, thank goodness for that.

Well, come on down. I'll make you a cup of tea.

I can't. I ain't got no clothes on. Where be I?

You were thick all over then.

Was I?

Don't you remember?

Yeah.

Well, you can't stay up there. You look like a Roman emperor. Come on down.

Clothes I worry about.

I washed your shirt.

The rest I had to scrub down.

They'll be dry soon.

To be perfectly honest, they weren't very clean anyway, and you weren't

any pants.

I didn't know where I was up there when I woke up.

My bedroom was all pink and blue.

Sorry.

I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking of redecorating it. What was I up there for?

You passed out. You'd been asleep for hours.

Did I?

Oh, I mean, why?

Those drugs you were taking.

Drugs? Sit down, Billy.

I've got something very important to say to you.

I've got no clothes.

Yes, well, don't worry about that. Sit down.

I had to wrap the cider down thing, weren't I?

Couldn't find nothing else, could I? Don't go on about it. Why do you worry

much? I'm not bothered. Yes, you are.

I worry about everything.

All the time.

Well, what about Jesus?

What?

Well, if you worry too much, I thought he was meant to make everything bright

and shiny.

See all this?

Do you?

See all these tables and chairs and pictures and that?

Well, I'd smash him up into little bits and pieces and throw that tally through

the window and pee on the carpet and tear up the walkway and put

my feet in your neck and smash your head in and... If

I didn't know he loved me, Jesus Christ, the Lord and Saviour, see?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Uh, well...

What

did you have to eat before you came here this morning?

Eat?

Did you have any cheese?

I wish I knew what you were talking about.

You do, though.

If you mustn't know, I had. Well, I had a bit of bread and cheese in my

saddlebag. You mustn't, Billy. Really, you mustn't.

What? Not eat any bread and cheese?

No cheese. Not ever. None at all. None.

No.

What's wrong with cheese all of a sudden? Here, are you having me on?

Didn't the doctor tell you when he gave you those tablets?

No, he didn't say nothing about no cheese.

What's he want to talk about cheese for? He meant a photographer or a wedding.

What did he say? He must have said something.

He said they make me feel better.

Give me this bit of paper with writing on it. It was in the bottle. I kept it

my pocket.

Thank goodness you did. Why didn't you get somebody to read it to you?

I'd be giving the game away.

I'm not stupid, am I?

Besides, I haven't been taking them, have I?

But you did this morning.

Yeah.

And last night.

I thought it down, like...

Worried.

Why was that?

I like a bit of cheese.

But you mustn't eat fermented things if you take those tablets. Cheese is a

fermented thing.

Is it?

Yes, and you mustn't eat raw beans either.

That's all right. I don't like them, do I?

Billy, you've got to take this seriously.

Yeah.

What do you remember now?

I had a headache.

And I turn my head like this, and this bomb goes off. Boom.

Was that because of a bit of cheese? Yes, it was.

I thought cheese was supposed to be good for you.

Not if you take those tablets.

I had to call my doctor.

You collapsed in pain here. You were rolling on the floor. You were sick all

over yourself. You could have choked you.

Yeah? Hmm.

I had to get you upstairs.

Begging your pardon for all the trouble and that.

Get all your clothes off.

You did?

Well, who else?

The doctor was far too busy. Once he realised you weren't going to die or

anything, he told me to get you upstairs and put you to bed.

Let you sleep it off.

He did help me get you upstairs.

Yeah.

I sort of remember now.

It's all coming back.

Why did you take those tablets, Billy?

Because.

Sad inside?

Yeah. Sad and empty.

Why was that?

Me dad.

What about him?

Went and died, didn't he? The silly old sod.

And you loved him?

I'm afraid it's a silly thing to say. Of course you did. Did I?

Well, didn't you?

I don't know.

You should get out of my wick, tell the truth.

We jiggled his foot up and down.

Up and down, up and down.

An um and whistle between his teeth.

Caw, that whistle.

I like to go a -wandering along the mountain track, one of them old songs.

I'm into the warm. That's boring.

A bit rough sometimes, my dad.

Andy with his fists, when I'm about to drop too much, used to punch me ma 'am

and call her my old pudding.

Give her a black eye once.

So I picked up this chair and hit him with it.

Wallop! Broke the bloody rung.

Look at what you've done to me, ma 'am. Broke the bloody rung.

But he weren't always like it.

Not me dad.

You've got to be fair, ain't you?

We used to stroll down the pub on a Sunday morning, just him and me.

That's all in the past, isn't it?

No good keeping on about it.

He'd keep wiping the beer suds off this little round table with the bottom of

his pint, moving his pint glass about in circles.

Funny old bloke.

War on the side of his conch.

He used to talk to me sometimes.

I'm sure he did.

We had this canary on the kitchen table in a cage.

This thing, you never heard the like.

That little bird couldn't read or write, but by God, he could warble.

And... Our dad used to rub this matchbox up and down the sides

of the cage.

Fluff cage.

And no word of a lie, when he did that... This little bird used to stand

leg. Honest.

Look at him. Look at the clever little bugger me dad used to see.

He was real proud of that bird, he was.

He did.

That bird did.

Stand on one leg on his perch. You're not going to call me a liar, are you?

of course I'm not.

He knew as I couldn't hold on to no other job.

He'd bring it up now and again.

Nasty like.

Call me thick.

You're as thick as shit in the neck of a bottle.

But he used to give me a quid now and again.

I mean, I wanted to work, didn't I?

And he used to tell jokes.

Bit crude, but he was really good at telling jokes, our dad.

Three months.

What?

I'm just being dad for three months.

Oh.

Oh, yes, well, I can understand that. He used to carry a bit of candlelight in a

jam jar on a winter's night, coming home from the pub.

Um, well, the vicar who used to live in this house,

your house when it was a vicarage, well, he sees our dad one night with this bit

of candle sitting on top of the wall by the church.

Hello, hello, says the vicar, all sharky -like.

You don't need a lantern on a night like this.

Well, the sea vicar, says our dad, holding up this candle.

This here candle is to light up my face, and look, old moon up there will light

up my arse.

Oh, Daddy.

Let it come out. Let it all in.

It's much better to cry like this than take this.

It's such a vital block.

I know you love me.

Hold on a minute.

I feel like I want to... I want to change.

So you shall, Billy. So you shall.

I wish... What do you wish?

I wish she was ugly.

Why do you wish that?

In belief.

Temptation.

Am I ugly, Billy?

No. Am I ugly?

What

was

I doing?

What are you trying to do?

Janet?

Leave my clothes dry, please, Mrs. Johnson.

What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?

You're so worldly.

I'm sorry about the food.

It is like stewed cat.

Yeah.

Don't you like it, Billy?

Very nice, Tom.

You're a little creeping Jesus, aren't you?

What? What's the doubt as you look?

Oh, listen. Shut up, John.

Huh? Is your eye hurting, dear?

Yes, thank you, dear.

You can use one of those fillet sticks you didn't have. I'm sorry.

Raw meat's supposed to be very good for a black eye. Is it really?

I would have thought you'd know everything there is to know about raw

Emma. Oh, isn't this a jolly table?

I love them.

I beg your pardon, but I forgot something.

What's that, Willie?

I don't know.

Oh, come on now, William, let's have it.

Don't be shy.

I don't see what you call it.

You know, I was so spitting that I... No, no, no, of course you wasn't.

No, no, my dear fellow, I can't control my lips, that's why.

I won't say that again.

I simply swallow the wrong way.

Why don't we all get sloshed?

Well, what was he eating in that room? Here's to you. Thank you, Lord Jesus

Christ, our Lord and Saviour, who died to save us all.

And for what you didn't perceive, Billy, may I also be allowed to thank the dear

Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, who died to save us all?

Look, Mr Johnson, I've got hold of the wrong stick.

Don't bother with him, Billy.

All right, all right. I believe you. I believe you. I believe you both. Well,

shut up about it, then.

I think you are the most exquisitely beautiful woman I have ever seen in my

life. You still make me jump up inside.

You still... Words.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. Words.

Doesn't matter. It's our trade, love.

They write advertising copy at the office, advertising copy at the table,

advertising copy in bed.

Yeah, I think that's a fair comment.

All corruption's contagious.

You speak yourself, Malcolm, my old lad.

No, I think he's speaking for both of us.

You should know, shouldn't you, Emma?

Listen, Janet, I'm sick and tired of all your innuendos. Just what are you

trying to say?

The European Parliament.

What?

Oh, isn't that what you two were talking about? Janet, Janet, my love.

Stick to Tim Buck.

Don't bloody well open another can of worms.

Think of your guests.

Think of young William here.

Come on, Billy, say something.

Leave him alone.

What's he doing here?

Tell me that. Why did you ask him? I asked him because I wanted somebody

at my table for a change.

Thank you, thank you very much.

All right, Billy, say something.

What? Make us laugh.

You are a bastard.

Well, no, no. I mean, the food might be awful, but the conversation needn't be.

Young William here hasn't said a word, not a bloody word.

Come on, Billy, sparkle.

Why have false teeth like stars?

All right, all right. What's the answer, Billy?

Because they come out at night.

That's one of our dad's jokes.

Quite a comedian, our dad.

Who wouldn't worry? Who wouldn't worry that?

You've got a joke that brings tears to your eyes.

I do.

Good old dad.

That's a dog.

What's the father do, Billy?

Heaven. Heaven.

So I hope him has any road.

You won't go there.

What, not me?

You heard.

She'll just go to the side, is it?

She'll be so soft.

Lord Jesus will do that, according to her we've lived.

And what we've done.

It's a club with not very generous rules. I hope my dad will admit many of

will make it.

No, not many.

Bristol on a Sunday morning. No sex, Romeo. Think of that.

Well, that settles it. I don't want to go.

No, it doesn't.

It's all in all not a very pretty prospect.

We'd be going to die, Bennett.

We've been going to live forever and ever on this earth, that's for sure.

No, live, love, love.

Who will believe my verse in the times to come?

Though yet heaven knows, tis but as a tomb which hides your life and shows not

half your parts.

If I could write the beauty of your eyes and in fresh numbers number all your

graces, the age to come would say... Shit.

The age to come would say... Shit.

Thank you very much.

Get your coat.

You were very sick this morning.

You must come back at night. No.

Leave me alone.

Don't you like me anymore? No. Don't you?

No, I don't like you.

Leave me alone.

Don't you want to read the Bible?

Stop it.

Stop it.

We must be going.

Thank you very much.

What are you saying?

You're just a bit of fun.

Of course it wasn't serious, old boy. It's just that we could all do it.

Good night, Janet.

Bye -bye, Janet. Thank you very much.

It's pretty ridiculous for you to go like this. What were you ruined by that?

don't even know who's doing it.

Don't do that.

I won't, Joseph.

Why do it now?

Because I'm trembling inside.

I want to talk to you.

Why?

I mean to talk to you.

What about?

Whether Bristol Rovers... You, me...

Emma, anything.

Okay.

He's a strange lad, that Billy.

Do you think so?

Why would a yokel like that for all that Jesus stuff?

Because he's very simple.

Not that simple, surely.

And his father died three months ago.

Ah, death, yes.

I thought you wanted to talk about him.

Do you want to grab me?

Drink too much?

Of course I do, but what the hell?

He said he wanted to read the

Bible.

Christ, I'd rather be blind.

You could have seen his face.

When he realized he could read one little word, you'd realize

that it was the precise opposite of what you were doing.

In your life.

In your job.

Oh, um... The truth.

You're a mess.

What would you like to do, St. John, with that yob?

She...

Remember something?

Like what? The old Janet and John books?

Incense?

Who?

Something big and bright?

Look, Janet, look.

Cock. John has a cock.

Look, Janet, look.

Show it to him.

Do you want him, Janet?

Yes.

And if you hadn't interrupted... But he doesn't come back.

Oh, he will.

He's coming back tomorrow. He wants to read.

He promised me he would.

I see.

So... I'm very sorry, but...

The way it is.

That's the new Janet and John story.

Mark, Luke, and John, bless the bed that I lie on, and if I die of afraid

we...

Listen, Janet.

Has it ever occurred to you that I might need a remedial teacher too?

Of course.

Because I haven't felt a bloody thing inside me since... Oh, since God knows

when.

When I go out in the streets in Bristol, I look down at the cracks in the paving

stones and I see clear fruit on it.

Thought you were looking at a girl's legs.

I look at the stinking rubbish in the gutter.

And all I want to do is cry.

No, laugh.

No, both.

But not for any reason.

Nothing so nice and precise as that.

Funny, isn't it?

I'm off to have a bath.

What?

To wash this mark off, the remains of your curry.

Why don't you ever listen to me? Why don't we ever talk? Too late. Tell it to

Emma. I'm off to have a bath.

We'll never be clean.

Neither of us will.

We'll never be clean.

Wicked you are, wicked!

Came to me suddenly down there in the greenhouse.

I left home, see?

Last night.

Ma 'am, she don't matter.

Don't matter at all, said the old hooding.

What?

What for?

Said I what for?

So we can have another lesson, is that what he means, eh?

Very good idea. So... You're doing very well, Billy. Yeah, I be,

Billy. I want to read. So you shall, Billy. So you shall.

There ain't no paper.

Who can't read without no paper, can they?

I saw him the last night through the window.

Dirty sod.

We're some farm animals, some people.

Sit yourself down, now.

I was going to ask you to write it.

You like?

Yes. Nice word, isn't it?

Yes. Funny thing, though.

Yes.

Words. They be funny things, Benham.

Yeah, they be though.

Words. They be funny things.