Original subtitles

Welcome to the daily show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the daily show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the daily show. MY NAME IS JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. Later on, we're going to be joined by

Later on, we're going to be joined by

Later on, we're going to be joined by the president of the United Nations

the president of the United Nations

the president of the United Nations General Assembly. An Elena Barbach will

General Assembly. An Elena Barbach will

General Assembly. An Elena Barbach will be joining us. SHE'S PRESIDENT

and uh we will talk about how nobody

and uh we will talk about how nobody

and uh we will talk about how nobody knew that the United Nations General

knew that the United Nations General

knew that the United Nations General Assembly had a president. I did not know

Assembly had a president. I did not know

Assembly had a president. I did not know that.

that.

that. Uh ladies and gentlemen, I I want to

Uh ladies and gentlemen, I I want to

Uh ladies and gentlemen, I I want to start the program tonight in a slightly

start the program tonight in a slightly

start the program tonight in a slightly different place. Um I want to give

different place. Um I want to give

different place. Um I want to give credit where where credit is due. We

credit where where credit is due. We

credit where where credit is due. We don't obviously often do this. Uh the

don't obviously often do this. Uh the

don't obviously often do this. Uh the president did a solid over the weekend.

president did a solid over the weekend.

president did a solid over the weekend. President Trump signed an executive

President Trump signed an executive

President Trump signed an executive order in front of his fraternity

order in front of his fraternity

order in front of his fraternity brothers uh fasttracking the FDA process

brothers uh fasttracking the FDA process

brothers uh fasttracking the FDA process for novel psychedelic drug treatments

for novel psychedelic drug treatments

for novel psychedelic drug treatments for veterans suffering from all forms of

for veterans suffering from all forms of

for veterans suffering from all forms of PTSD and other psychiatric conditions,

PTSD and other psychiatric conditions,

PTSD and other psychiatric conditions, including addiction. I'll you know I'm

including addiction. I'll you know I'm

including addiction. I'll you know I'm sorry I'll let the president explain off

sorry I'll let the president explain off

sorry I'll let the president explain off the cuff as he does

the cuff as he does

the cuff as he does >> in 2024 study from Stanford University

>> in 2024 study from Stanford University

>> in 2024 study from Stanford University 30 special operation veterans with

30 special operation veterans with

30 special operation veterans with traumatic brain injuries underwent it's

traumatic brain injuries underwent it's

traumatic brain injuries underwent it's called I boain treatment I bo the name

called I boain treatment I bo the name

called I boain treatment I bo the name is that pronounced relatively properly

is that pronounced relatively properly

is that pronounced relatively properly would you say yes

would you say yes

would you say yes >> I don't want to get it wrong I bo

Body body ibo gain ibo gain ro gane with

Body body ibo gain ibo gain ro gane with

Body body ibo gain ibo gain ro gane with an ibo. It's easy.

an ibo. It's easy.

an ibo. It's easy. By the way, they gave you the easiest

By the way, they gave you the easiest

By the way, they gave you the easiest hallucinogenic to pronounce. They could

hallucinogenic to pronounce. They could

hallucinogenic to pronounce. They could have thrown iwasa in there. Psilocybin,

have thrown iwasa in there. Psilocybin,

have thrown iwasa in there. Psilocybin, but they gave you eyeball gain. But even

but they gave you eyeball gain. But even

but they gave you eyeball gain. But even when they dumbed the down for him,

when they dumbed the down for him,

when they dumbed the down for him, it's a problem.

it's a problem.

it's a problem. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm falling into old habits. It's good. You

falling into old habits. It's good. You

falling into old habits. It's good. You did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. I I

did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. I I

did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. I I apologize.

apologize.

apologize. A lot of the people are going to get the

A lot of the people are going to get the

A lot of the people are going to get the help they need.

help they need.

help they need. >> I bo because it's so important and

>> I bo because it's so important and

>> I bo because it's so important and experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in

experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in

experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in symptoms of depression and anxiety

symptoms of depression and anxiety

symptoms of depression and anxiety within one month. Can I have some

within one month. Can I have some

within one month. Can I have some please? I'll take

>> I'll take whatever it takes.

Oh my god,

Oh my god,

Oh my god, he's depressed,

he's depressed,

he's depressed, too.

too.

too. Hey, don't be depressed, sir. Trump

Hey, don't be depressed, sir. Trump

Hey, don't be depressed, sir. Trump won't be president forever.

won't be president forever.

won't be president forever. But I have to say there are little

But I have to say there are little

But I have to say there are little moments in these Oval Office gatherings

moments in these Oval Office gatherings

moments in these Oval Office gatherings that are somewhat revoly of the

that are somewhat revoly of the

that are somewhat revoly of the president's psyche and really a good

president's psyche and really a good

president's psyche and really a good starting place for any accredited mental

starting place for any accredited mental

starting place for any accredited mental health professional.

health professional.

health professional. >> I don't have time to be depressed. You

>> I don't have time to be depressed. You

>> I don't have time to be depressed. You know, if you stay busy enough, maybe

know, if you stay busy enough, maybe

know, if you stay busy enough, maybe that works, too. That's what I do.

>> YOU CAN'T GET DEPRESSED IF YOU STAY

>> YOU CAN'T GET DEPRESSED IF YOU STAY

>> YOU CAN'T GET DEPRESSED IF YOU STAY BUSY. It's a little thing called

BUSY. It's a little thing called

BUSY. It's a little thing called outrunning the darkness.

You can't be depressed if the sadness

You can't be depressed if the sadness

You can't be depressed if the sadness can't catch you.

And to be frank, I DON'T THINK DONALD

And to be frank, I DON'T THINK DONALD

And to be frank, I DON'T THINK DONALD TRUMP SHOULD TREAT that with

TRUMP SHOULD TREAT that with

TRUMP SHOULD TREAT that with hallucinogenics anyway.

hallucinogenics anyway.

hallucinogenics anyway. But if he did, would we even notice?

But if he did, would we even notice?

But if he did, would we even notice? If he took hallucinogenics, he'd be

If he took hallucinogenics, he'd be

If he took hallucinogenics, he'd be like, "THEY'RE EATING THE CATS AND DOGS

RIGHT RIGHT NEAR MY BEAUTIFUL BALLROOM."

RIGHT RIGHT NEAR MY BEAUTIFUL BALLROOM."

RIGHT RIGHT NEAR MY BEAUTIFUL BALLROOM." BY THE WAY, DID YOU KNOW I'M JESUS?

The The poor fell in the bed is still

The The poor fell in the bed is still

The The poor fell in the bed is still sick.

really freaks me out every time I look

really freaks me out every time I look

really freaks me out every time I look at that picture.

at that picture.

at that picture. >> All right. You know what, though? Maybe

>> All right. You know what, though? Maybe

>> All right. You know what, though? Maybe Trump's already taken them given how

Trump's already taken them given how

Trump's already taken them given how intensely he focused on the signing of

intensely he focused on the signing of

intensely he focused on the signing of this bill. I mean, he signed the

this bill. I mean, he signed the

this bill. I mean, he signed the out of this bill.

That's a good one. I want to get

That's a good one. I want to get

That's a good one. I want to get that joke. You think Biden can do that?

that joke. You think Biden can do that?

that joke. You think Biden can do that? He can.

>> Hey man, you ever really looked at your

>> Hey man, you ever really looked at your

>> Hey man, you ever really looked at your signature on weed?

Look,

Look,

Look, I do I I think it's a good thing what he

I do I I think it's a good thing what he

I do I I think it's a good thing what he did. I swear to God, it's a good thing

did. I swear to God, it's a good thing

did. I swear to God, it's a good thing what he did. And this is not political.

what he did. And this is not political.

what he did. And this is not political. I don't mean this as political, but

I don't mean this as political, but

I don't mean this as political, but it was weird as the way he signed

it was weird as the way he signed

it was weird as the way he signed that.

that.

that. It was like, it was weird as Like,

It was like, it was weird as Like,

It was like, it was weird as Like, I'm looking at that signature right now.

I'm looking at that signature right now.

I'm looking at that signature right now. Does that even say DONALD TRUMP?

Does that even say DONALD TRUMP?

Does that even say DONALD TRUMP? THE LAST name is longer than his first

THE LAST name is longer than his first

THE LAST name is longer than his first name.

name.

name. It doesn't look like It looks like it

It doesn't look like It looks like it

It doesn't look like It looks like it says Leonard Skard. It doesn't even It

says Leonard Skard. It doesn't even It

says Leonard Skard. It doesn't even It It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. GO. GO. YOU

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. GO. GO. YOU

NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. GO. GO. YOU KNOW, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the

KNOW, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the

KNOW, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the program. Can we go back to the just play

program. Can we go back to the just play

program. Can we go back to the just play him writing the last name? I swear to

him writing the last name? I swear to

him writing the last name? I swear to God, he doesn't write Trump.

That's not traded, right? That's That's

That's not traded, right? That's That's

That's not traded, right? That's That's TOO MANY LETTERS.

TOO MANY LETTERS.

TOO MANY LETTERS. I counted like 10 letters. Unless he's

I counted like 10 letters. Unless he's

I counted like 10 letters. Unless he's just adding characters like this IS HIS

just adding characters like this IS HIS

just adding characters like this IS HIS WI-FI PASSWORD. I

It doesn't say Donald Trump. I would

It doesn't say Donald Trump. I would

It doesn't say Donald Trump. I would make sure this executive order is even

make sure this executive order is even

make sure this executive order is even legal because it appears to have been

legal because it appears to have been

legal because it appears to have been signed off by David Hasselhoff. That

signed off by David Hasselhoff. That

signed off by David Hasselhoff. That says David Hasselhoff.

says David Hasselhoff.

says David Hasselhoff. But the signing capped off a bit of a

But the signing capped off a bit of a

But the signing capped off a bit of a winning streak for the president. The

winning streak for the president. The

winning streak for the president. The biggest news being the Friday

biggest news being the Friday

biggest news being the Friday announcement of his total victory over

announcement of his total victory over

announcement of his total victory over Iran.

Iran.

Iran. >> President Trump marches to victory.

>> President Trump marches to victory.

>> President Trump marches to victory. >> Trump told the media, "Iran has agreed

>> Trump told the media, "Iran has agreed

>> Trump told the media, "Iran has agreed to everything."

to everything."

to everything." >> The announcement really sparked a huge

>> The announcement really sparked a huge

>> The announcement really sparked a huge surge on Wall Street. New record highs

surge on Wall Street. New record highs

surge on Wall Street. New record highs on the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq.

on the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq.

on the S&P 500 and the Nasdaq. >> Crude oil prices falling off a cliff.

>> Crude oil prices falling off a cliff.

>> Crude oil prices falling off a cliff. >> Most of the points are already

>> Most of the points are already

>> Most of the points are already negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very

negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very

negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very happy. A great and brilliant day for the

happy. A great and brilliant day for the

happy. A great and brilliant day for the world.

world.

world. Wow.

If I may offer you a humble apology,

If I may offer you a humble apology,

If I may offer you a humble apology, I was one of the naysayers

I was one of the naysayers

I was one of the naysayers who said this president got us into a

who said this president got us into a

who said this president got us into a war on an impulse. I said this president

war on an impulse. I said this president

war on an impulse. I said this president didn't have a plan for a coherent exit

didn't have a plan for a coherent exit

didn't have a plan for a coherent exit strategy. I said this president was

strategy. I said this president was

strategy. I said this president was cavalier about the damage that this war

cavalier about the damage that this war

cavalier about the damage that this war of choice would cause. I've said this

of choice would cause. I've said this

of choice would cause. I've said this president seems to slosh when he moves

president seems to slosh when he moves

president seems to slosh when he moves because of the Venus

insufficiency like a milk carton when

insufficiency like a milk carton when

insufficiency like a milk carton when you glide we push across the kitchen.

I said all of those things and I would

I said all of those things and I would

I said all of those things and I would like to take back three of those

like to take back three of those

like to take back three of those statements.

statements.

statements. He does slash.

He does slash.

He does slash. But the president's allies knew all

But the president's allies knew all

But the president's allies knew all along what time it was.

along what time it was.

along what time it was. >> The president is playing uh is playing

>> The president is playing uh is playing

>> The president is playing uh is playing chess when the rest of the world is

chess when the rest of the world is

chess when the rest of the world is playing checkers. That's how he does it.

playing checkers. That's how he does it.

playing checkers. That's how he does it. I can't believe at the beginning when

I can't believe at the beginning when

I can't believe at the beginning when the whole thing started that the rest of

the whole thing started that the rest of

the whole thing started that the rest of the world didn't say, "Wait, why are you

the world didn't say, "Wait, why are you

the world didn't say, "Wait, why are you playing? Why do you have a horse and a

playing? Why do you have a horse and a

playing? Why do you have a horse and a castle

castle

castle and we have the little discs?"

and we have the little discs?"

and we have the little discs?" What kind of chess were they playing?

What kind of chess were they playing?

What kind of chess were they playing? >> He's playing three-dimensional chess.

>> He's playing three-dimensional chess.

>> He's playing three-dimensional chess. fourdimensional chess

fourdimensional chess

fourdimensional chess >> playing 5D chess.

That's the chess where the seats move

That's the chess where the seats move

That's the chess where the seats move and they spray water at you.

I'm sorry.

Analyst Dean Kaine, could you expand on

Analyst Dean Kaine, could you expand on

Analyst Dean Kaine, could you expand on that? President Trump is playing 5D

that? President Trump is playing 5D

that? President Trump is playing 5D chess. The dominoes are slowly just

chess. The dominoes are slowly just

chess. The dominoes are slowly just falling and toppling.

What game is he playing? Is it

What game is he playing? Is it

What game is he playing? Is it He's playing chess and then the

He's playing chess and then the

He's playing chess and then the dominoes. He's at checkers ordering

dominoes. He's at checkers ordering

dominoes. He's at checkers ordering Dominoes. The point is

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry. And while the world played Jenga, Donald

And while the world played Jenga, Donald

And while the world played Jenga, Donald Trump is playing hungry hungry hippos.

Trump is playing hungry hungry hippos.

Trump is playing hungry hungry hippos. Whatever the analogy is,

Whatever the analogy is,

Whatever the analogy is, because of Trump's brilliant

because of Trump's brilliant

because of Trump's brilliant interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically

interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically

interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically got everything he wanted from Iran. Iran

got everything he wanted from Iran. Iran

got everything he wanted from Iran. Iran has removed or is removing all of the

has removed or is removing all of the

has removed or is removing all of the sea mines. No money will exchange hands

sea mines. No money will exchange hands

sea mines. No money will exchange hands in any way, shape, or form. They will

in any way, shape, or form. They will

in any way, shape, or form. They will never have

never have

never have a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all

a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all

a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all nuclear dust. The nuclear dust.

nuclear dust. The nuclear dust.

nuclear dust. The nuclear dust. Does that mean we also get the nuclear

Does that mean we also get the nuclear

Does that mean we also get the nuclear dust bunnies?

It's so adorable how they beg for death.

It's so adorable how they beg for death.

It's so adorable how they beg for death. But look, the enriched uranium was a

But look, the enriched uranium was a

But look, the enriched uranium was a huge part of this war. And the fact that

huge part of this war. And the fact that

huge part of this war. And the fact that Iran has agreed to transfer all of its

Iran has agreed to transfer all of its

Iran has agreed to transfer all of its enriched uranium to the United States,

enriched uranium to the United States,

enriched uranium to the United States, it's a win.

it's a win.

it's a win. >> The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's

>> The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's

>> The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's enriched uranium is not going to be

enriched uranium is not going to be

enriched uranium is not going to be transferred anywhere under any

transferred anywhere under any

transferred anywhere under any circumstances.

Guess checkers is a tougher game than I

Guess checkers is a tougher game than I

Guess checkers is a tougher game than I thought. All

thought. All

thought. All right. So, there's still a couple of

right. So, there's still a couple of

right. So, there's still a couple of fine details to work out on the nuclear

fine details to work out on the nuclear

fine details to work out on the nuclear aspect, but the truth is we only fought

aspect, but the truth is we only fought

aspect, but the truth is we only fought this war to get Iran to open the

this war to get Iran to open the

this war to get Iran to open the straight of Hormuz that they closed when

straight of Hormuz that they closed when

straight of Hormuz that they closed when we started this war. But

we started this war. But

we started this war. But let's keep the main thing the main

let's keep the main thing the main

let's keep the main thing the main thing.

thing.

thing. >> Iran has just announced that the

>> Iran has just announced that the

>> Iran has just announced that the straight of Hormuz is fully open and

straight of Hormuz is fully open and

straight of Hormuz is fully open and ready for business and full passage.

ready for business and full passage.

ready for business and full passage. Damn,

Damn,

Damn, that news is IBO game to my ears.

Could Biden have done that?

Could Biden have done that?

Could Biden have done that? No. Because, as I said earlier, the

No. Because, as I said earlier, the

No. Because, as I said earlier, the straight was already open. But

straight was already open. But

straight was already open. But you heard it straight from the

you heard it straight from the

you heard it straight from the president. He declared the straight of

president. He declared the straight of

president. He declared the straight of Hormuz is open.

Hormuz is open.

Hormuz is open. >> Iran declared the Straight of Hormuz

>> Iran declared the Straight of Hormuz

>> Iran declared the Straight of Hormuz closed.

Oh boy. All right. Iran is directly

Oh boy. All right. Iran is directly

Oh boy. All right. Iran is directly contradicting President Trump and he's

contradicting President Trump and he's

contradicting President Trump and he's not going to like that.

not going to like that.

not going to like that. >> On Truth Social, he wrote the following.

>> On Truth Social, he wrote the following.

>> On Truth Social, he wrote the following. The United States is going to knock out

The United States is going to knock out

The United States is going to knock out every single power plant, every single

every single power plant, every single

every single power plant, every single bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy. >> CIVILIAN INFRASTRUCTURE. GONE. NO MORE

>> CIVILIAN INFRASTRUCTURE. GONE. NO MORE

>> CIVILIAN INFRASTRUCTURE. GONE. NO MORE MR. YOU'RE A NICE GUY. Say hello to

MR. YOU'RE A NICE GUY. Say hello to

MR. YOU'RE A NICE GUY. Say hello to Senior War crime.

Pew pew.

Pew pew.

Pew pew. It's all right. It's all right.

The audience seems to be split between

The audience seems to be split between

The audience seems to be split between old people and younger people. I think

old people and younger people. I think

old people and younger people. I think that's very clear what's happening here.

See

See

See Now, you might be thinking to yourself,

Now, you might be thinking to yourself,

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, how did this happen? How did the

how did this happen? How did the

how did this happen? How did the certainty of total resolution that Trump

certainty of total resolution that Trump

certainty of total resolution that Trump announced morph into the uncertainty of

announced morph into the uncertainty of

announced morph into the uncertainty of total annihilation that Trump announced

total annihilation that Trump announced

total annihilation that Trump announced in less time than it took Carol G to own

in less time than it took Carol G to own

in less time than it took Carol G to own Coachella?

>> Cool dad.

Hey,

Hey,

Hey, who wants an EDIBLE

MULTIVITAMIN? An edible multivitam.

See, what the naysayers don't understand

See, what the naysayers don't understand

See, what the naysayers don't understand about Trump is that what appears to the

about Trump is that what appears to the

about Trump is that what appears to the outside observer as chaos is actually

outside observer as chaos is actually

outside observer as chaos is actually the 5D focused strategims of a master

the 5D focused strategims of a master

the 5D focused strategims of a master negotiator. This is the art of the deal.

negotiator. This is the art of the deal.

negotiator. This is the art of the deal. You know,

You know,

You know, we never got to see Henry Ford assemble

we never got to see Henry Ford assemble

we never got to see Henry Ford assemble a car or Thomas Edison put the first

a car or Thomas Edison put the first

a car or Thomas Edison put the first filament into a light bulb or Malcolm

filament into a light bulb or Malcolm

filament into a light bulb or Malcolm only fans reveal his barefoot in the

only fans reveal his barefoot in the

only fans reveal his barefoot in the town square.

town square.

town square. But thanks to God, the Iran war has

But thanks to God, the Iran war has

But thanks to God, the Iran war has given us all an opportunity. This is

given us all an opportunity. This is

given us all an opportunity. This is history. To witness in real time, Donald

history. To witness in real time, Donald

history. To witness in real time, Donald Trump applied the sacred principles of

Trump applied the sacred principles of

Trump applied the sacred principles of the art of the deal.

the art of the deal.

the art of the deal. Let's begin just a few weeks back when

Let's begin just a few weeks back when

Let's begin just a few weeks back when Donald Trump and his bombing buddy BB

Donald Trump and his bombing buddy BB

Donald Trump and his bombing buddy BB launched fierce military strikes on Iran

launched fierce military strikes on Iran

launched fierce military strikes on Iran in the middle of a negotiation, setting

in the middle of a negotiation, setting

in the middle of a negotiation, setting the stage for art of the deal. Step one,

the stage for art of the deal. Step one,

the stage for art of the deal. Step one, state your demands. The president

state your demands. The president

state your demands. The president declaring in a truth social post there

declaring in a truth social post there

declaring in a truth social post there will be no deal with Iran except

will be no deal with Iran except

will be no deal with Iran except unconditional surrender.

unconditional surrender.

unconditional surrender. >> It's where they cry uncle or when they

>> It's where they cry uncle or when they

>> It's where they cry uncle or when they can't fight any long longer and there's

can't fight any long longer and there's

can't fight any long longer and there's nobody around to cry uncle.

nobody around to cry uncle.

nobody around to cry uncle. >> Uncle they cry uncle. Believe the

>> Uncle they cry uncle. Believe the

>> Uncle they cry uncle. Believe the president may be confusing war with

president may be confusing war with

president may be confusing war with tickle fighting. what the point is

tickle fighting. what the point is

tickle fighting. what the point is saying.

I remember when Lee cried uncle at

I remember when Lee cried uncle at

I remember when Lee cried uncle at appamatics.

But you always start every negotiation

But you always start every negotiation

But you always start every negotiation by demanding everything which sets you

by demanding everything which sets you

by demanding everything which sets you up for step two art of the deal. The

up for step two art of the deal. The

up for step two art of the deal. The consequences of not exceeding to step

consequences of not exceeding to step

consequences of not exceeding to step one.

one.

one. >> We are going to hit them extremely hard

>> We are going to hit them extremely hard

>> We are going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks. We're

over the next two to three weeks. We're

over the next two to three weeks. We're going to bring them back to the stone

going to bring them back to the stone

going to bring them back to the stone ages where they belong.

ages where they belong.

ages where they belong. Yaba daba

Yaba daba

Yaba daba total surrender or total destruction

total surrender or total destruction

total surrender or total destruction game set and I'm sorry

game set and I'm sorry

game set and I'm sorry >> Iran has shut down the straight of

>> Iran has shut down the straight of

>> Iran has shut down the straight of hormuz

hormuz

hormuz counter move

counter move

counter move shutting down the straight of hormuz

shutting down the straight of hormuz

shutting down the straight of hormuz well crime river

what's that going to do

what's that going to do

what's that going to do >> the closure of the straight of hermuz

>> the closure of the straight of hermuz

>> the closure of the straight of hermuz causing chaos to the global economy

causing chaos to the global economy

causing chaos to the global economy >> disrupting the global supply chain

>> disrupting the global supply chain

>> disrupting the global supply chain causing gas and food prices to surge,

causing gas and food prices to surge,

causing gas and food prices to surge, >> skyrocketing jet fuel costs,

>> skyrocketing jet fuel costs,

>> skyrocketing jet fuel costs, >> sending fertilizer prices soaring,

>> sending fertilizer prices soaring,

>> sending fertilizer prices soaring, >> a global economic downturn that could

>> a global economic downturn that could

>> a global economic downturn that could ignite mass famine.

>> All right,

I didn't want to have to do this.

All right. You want to GO AROUND? YOU

All right. You want to GO AROUND? YOU

All right. You want to GO AROUND? YOU WANT TO DO THIS MOVE LIKE that

WANT TO DO THIS MOVE LIKE that

WANT TO DO THIS MOVE LIKE that might unbalance your run-of-the-mill

might unbalance your run-of-the-mill

might unbalance your run-of-the-mill dealmaker, but the master has already

dealmaker, but the master has already

dealmaker, but the master has already prepared a step three.

prepared a step three.

prepared a step three. >> The president wrote, "Open the

>> The president wrote, "Open the

>> The president wrote, "Open the straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll

straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll

straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in hell.

That's right. The art OF THE DEAL, STEP

That's right. The art OF THE DEAL, STEP

That's right. The art OF THE DEAL, STEP THREE, is basically steps one and two,

THREE, is basically steps one and two,

THREE, is basically steps one and two, but with cursing.

but with cursing.

but with cursing. >> Your move, Iran.

>> Your move, Iran.

>> Your move, Iran. >> Iran says the straight of Hormuse is

>> Iran says the straight of Hormuse is

>> Iran says the straight of Hormuse is still closed.

I see what you did there. Your move is

I see what you did there. Your move is

I see what you did there. Your move is no move.

no move.

no move. >> Which brings us to step four.

>> Which brings us to step four.

>> Which brings us to step four. >> Iran has agreed to open the straight of

>> Iran has agreed to open the straight of

>> Iran has agreed to open the straight of her moose.

her moose.

her moose. >> Boom, MOTHER.

Step four. Art of the deal. Just say

Step four. Art of the deal. Just say

Step four. Art of the deal. Just say it's open.

WHO'S GOING TO CHECK? OH, HONESTLY,

WHO'S GOING TO CHECK? OH, HONESTLY,

WHO'S GOING TO CHECK? OH, HONESTLY, WHO'S GONNA LOOK GO

WHO'S GONNA LOOK GO

WHO'S GONNA LOOK GO who's going to check if it's actually

who's going to check if it's actually

who's going to check if it's actually over? Even if you have a boat, what are

over? Even if you have a boat, what are

over? Even if you have a boat, what are you going to do? You going to drive all

you going to do? You going to drive all

you going to do? You going to drive all the way there? What are you going to go?

the way there? What are you going to go?

the way there? What are you going to go? You go to the straight of Hormuz yacht

You go to the straight of Hormuz yacht

You go to the straight of Hormuz yacht and regata club. Get the out of

and regata club. Get the out of

and regata club. Get the out of here. You didn't even know what the

here. You didn't even know what the

here. You didn't even know what the straight of Hormuz was a month ago. Now

straight of Hormuz was a month ago. Now

straight of Hormuz was a month ago. Now you're a expert on the straight

you're a expert on the straight

you're a expert on the straight of Hormuz.

of Hormuz.

of Hormuz. As far AS YOU KNOW, IT'S OPEN. IT'S

As far AS YOU KNOW, IT'S OPEN. IT'S

As far AS YOU KNOW, IT'S OPEN. IT'S OPEN.

OPEN.

OPEN. NOW, the next part's tricky because at

NOW, the next part's tricky because at

NOW, the next part's tricky because at some point, even though you stated very

some point, even though you stated very

some point, even though you stated very clearly that the Straight of Hormuz is

clearly that the Straight of Hormuz is

clearly that the Straight of Hormuz is open, people are going to realize it's

open, people are going to realize it's

open, people are going to realize it's not open.

not open.

not open. They're still not getting food or fuel,

They're still not getting food or fuel,

They're still not getting food or fuel, which is fine because this is where the

which is fine because this is where the

which is fine because this is where the art of the deal, where the

art of the deal, where the

art of the deal, where the fourthdimensional chess comes into play.

fourthdimensional chess comes into play.

fourthdimensional chess comes into play. Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump

Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump

Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump saying the US Navy will start blockading

saying the US Navy will start blockading

saying the US Navy will start blockading quote any and all ships trying to enter

quote any and all ships trying to enter

quote any and all ships trying to enter or leave the Straight of Hormuz.

Hit him WITH THE OLD RAZLEDAZZLE. YOU

Hit him WITH THE OLD RAZLEDAZZLE. YOU

Hit him WITH THE OLD RAZLEDAZZLE. YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME. I'M BREAKING UP

CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME. I'M BREAKING UP

CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ME. I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU.

NOW, at this point, haters might assume

NOW, at this point, haters might assume

NOW, at this point, haters might assume you've been winging it the whole time.

you've been winging it the whole time.

you've been winging it the whole time. And they might be getting hungry or much

And they might be getting hungry or much

And they might be getting hungry or much poorer or cold. And they might have

poorer or cold. And they might have

poorer or cold. And they might have questions like, "Hey, Trump, do you even

questions like, "Hey, Trump, do you even

questions like, "Hey, Trump, do you even have a plan?" Well, the art of the deal

have a plan?" Well, the art of the deal

have a plan?" Well, the art of the deal says, "Don't fall for that.

says, "Don't fall for that.

says, "Don't fall for that. >> I have the best plan of all, but I'm not

>> I have the best plan of all, but I'm not

>> I have the best plan of all, but I'm not going to tell you what my plan is."

going to tell you what my plan is."

going to tell you what my plan is." >> I told people like you about that. I

>> I told people like you about that. I

>> I told people like you about that. I mean, who would answer a question like

mean, who would answer a question like

mean, who would answer a question like that?

that?

that? >> Why would I tell you a thing like that?

>> Why would I tell you a thing like that?

>> Why would I tell you a thing like that? >> STEP SIX, ART THE DEAL. DON'T TELL

>> STEP SIX, ART THE DEAL. DON'T TELL

>> STEP SIX, ART THE DEAL. DON'T TELL ANYONE YOUR PLAN. THAT WOULD BE THE

ANYONE YOUR PLAN. THAT WOULD BE THE

ANYONE YOUR PLAN. THAT WOULD BE THE DUMBEST THING you could do. Which brings

DUMBEST THING you could do. Which brings

DUMBEST THING you could do. Which brings us TO STEP SEVEN. CALL UP A news person

us TO STEP SEVEN. CALL UP A news person

us TO STEP SEVEN. CALL UP A news person and tell them your plan.

and tell them your plan.

and tell them your plan. >> I just spoke with the president this

>> I just spoke with the president this

>> I just spoke with the president this morning. The president said if they do

morning. The president said if they do

morning. The president said if they do not sign the deal, the US will blow up

not sign the deal, the US will blow up

not sign the deal, the US will blow up every power plant and more in Iran.

But telling one person your plan, that's

But telling one person your plan, that's

But telling one person your plan, that's still just 4 D chess. Step eight is 5D

still just 4 D chess. Step eight is 5D

still just 4 D chess. Step eight is 5D chess. TELL EVERYONE YOUR PLAN. I spoke

chess. TELL EVERYONE YOUR PLAN. I spoke

chess. TELL EVERYONE YOUR PLAN. I spoke to him on the phone this morning and

to him on the phone this morning and

to him on the phone this morning and told me several things.

told me several things.

told me several things. >> President Trump today told me if Iran

>> President Trump today told me if Iran

>> President Trump today told me if Iran does not sign this deal, the whole

does not sign this deal, the whole

does not sign this deal, the whole country is going to get blown up.

country is going to get blown up.

country is going to get blown up. >> In our short phone call, the president

>> In our short phone call, the president

>> In our short phone call, the president told me the strikes have caused very

told me the strikes have caused very

told me the strikes have caused very great losses on their leadership. She

great losses on their leadership. She

great losses on their leadership. She also told me he doesn't think boots on

also told me he doesn't think boots on

also told me he doesn't think boots on the ground will be necessary.

the ground will be necessary.

the ground will be necessary. >> He told me that they had agreed to talk.

>> He told me that they had agreed to talk.

>> He told me that they had agreed to talk. >> I just got off the phone with the

>> I just got off the phone with the

>> I just got off the phone with the president and um and he called.

You see how bummed out Brett Bear was

You see how bummed out Brett Bear was

You see how bummed out Brett Bear was that he called him? Yeah. I talked to

that he called him? Yeah. I talked to

that he called him? Yeah. I talked to the president. He called me. I uh

the president. He called me. I uh

the president. He called me. I uh had the number blocked, but he got

had the number blocked, but he got

had the number blocked, but he got So now everybody's on the same page. It

So now everybody's on the same page. It

So now everybody's on the same page. It seems like you're moving towards a

seems like you're moving towards a

seems like you're moving towards a resolution in a crisp and linear

resolution in a crisp and linear

resolution in a crisp and linear fashion. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PLAN. All

fashion. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PLAN. All

fashion. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PLAN. All that's left to do is send over a

that's left to do is send over a

that's left to do is send over a highlevel negotiating team

highlevel negotiating team

highlevel negotiating team to work out the fine print and arrive at

to work out the fine print and arrive at

to work out the fine print and arrive at an enduring peace. You've got them right

an enduring peace. You've got them right

an enduring peace. You've got them right where you want them, where you hit them

where you want them, where you hit them

where you want them, where you hit them with step nine.

with step nine.

with step nine. Who's talking to what now?

Who's talking to what now?

Who's talking to what now? >> The president saying he intends to send

>> The president saying he intends to send

>> The president saying he intends to send Vice President JD Vance to Pakistan for

Vice President JD Vance to Pakistan for

Vice President JD Vance to Pakistan for a second shot at peace talks today.

a second shot at peace talks today.

a second shot at peace talks today. >> And an important clarification, I just

>> And an important clarification, I just

>> And an important clarification, I just got off the phone with President Trump

got off the phone with President Trump

got off the phone with President Trump yet again. He told me that Vice

yet again. He told me that Vice

yet again. He told me that Vice President Vance will not be leading the

President Vance will not be leading the

President Vance will not be leading the US delegation.

US delegation.

US delegation. >> But then less than two hours later, I

>> But then less than two hours later, I

>> But then less than two hours later, I was told that Vice President Vance would

was told that Vice President Vance would

was told that Vice President Vance would again lead this delegation.

Vance on.

Vance on.

Vance on. Vance on. Vance on.

So, THAT'S WHERE WE'VE ARRIVED AT WITH

So, THAT'S WHERE WE'VE ARRIVED AT WITH

So, THAT'S WHERE WE'VE ARRIVED AT WITH THE ART OF THE DEAL. BASICALLY, IT'S A

THE ART OF THE DEAL. BASICALLY, IT'S A

THE ART OF THE DEAL. BASICALLY, IT'S A CYCLE. It's a cycle of demands and

CYCLE. It's a cycle of demands and

CYCLE. It's a cycle of demands and threats and premature declarations of

threats and premature declarations of

threats and premature declarations of victory that allows the negotiator

victory that allows the negotiator

victory that allows the negotiator enough wiggle room to AT ALMOST ANY

enough wiggle room to AT ALMOST ANY

enough wiggle room to AT ALMOST ANY POINT CLAIM that they've achieved

POINT CLAIM that they've achieved

POINT CLAIM that they've achieved exactly what they've set out to do.

exactly what they've set out to do.

exactly what they've set out to do. Ultimately achieving a nuclear deal

Ultimately achieving a nuclear deal

Ultimately achieving a nuclear deal that'll probably be worse than the

that'll probably be worse than the

that'll probably be worse than the nuclear deal Trump pulled our country

nuclear deal Trump pulled our country

nuclear deal Trump pulled our country out of with Iran to start a devastating

out of with Iran to start a devastating

out of with Iran to start a devastating war that has killed thousands of

war that has killed thousands of

war that has killed thousands of innocent Iranians, 13 American soldiers,

innocent Iranians, 13 American soldiers,

innocent Iranians, 13 American soldiers, eroded our credibility as the leader of

eroded our credibility as the leader of

eroded our credibility as the leader of the free world, sabotaged the world

the free world, sabotaged the world

the free world, sabotaged the world economy, and will cost the American

economy, and will cost the American

economy, and will cost the American taxpayers, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE TRILLIONS.

taxpayers, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE TRILLIONS.

taxpayers, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE TRILLIONS. And as that realization

And as that realization

And as that realization sinks in to a population weary of your

sinks in to a population weary of your

sinks in to a population weary of your malignant narcissism and impulsivity,

malignant narcissism and impulsivity,

malignant narcissism and impulsivity, Trump hits him with step 10.

Trump hits him with step 10.

Trump hits him with step 10. >> Kim's going to be next.

>> That's right, Step 10.

>> That's right, Step 10.

>> That's right, Step 10. Keep moving to outrun the darkness.