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1
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:12,699
ANGELIC MUSIC
Aw, I love apologetic Vod!
2
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:15,779
Don't get used to it, darling!
3
00:00:15,780 --> 00:00:19,780
Right, let us smoke the pipe of
peace.
4
00:00:20,860 --> 00:00:22,939
Ta-da!
5
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:26,940
Welcome to mega-bong!
6
00:00:28,220 --> 00:00:29,379
Ready?
7
00:00:29,380 --> 00:00:32,579
You do know what day it is?
8
00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:34,859
The day our results go up?
9
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:37,019
MUSIC STOPS
10
00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:40,299
The clock has just struck reality!
11
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,299
Bong!
12
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:44,379
Bong!
13
00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:48,380
Bong!
14
00:01:12,700 --> 00:01:15,179
30 seconds to go.
15
00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:17,299
Who's nervous?
KINGSLEY SIGHS
16
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:19,379
You're nervous.
Oh...
17
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:21,099
You're nervous.
18
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:24,099
You're always nervous.
I'm cool with it.
19
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:26,379
I'm just gonna say I got a 2.1
whatever happens.
20
00:01:26,380 --> 00:01:29,859
Go easy on the drama. Not everyone
here's gonna get a good grade.
21
00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:31,579
I won't say who.
22
00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:33,019
WHISPERS: Vod and JP!
23
00:01:33,020 --> 00:01:34,419
Got it.
24
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:38,420
Guys, your future has been decided.
You've been branded for life. Go!
25
00:01:41,340 --> 00:01:44,179
2 and another 2?
26
00:01:44,180 --> 00:01:45,699
I don't understand.
27
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:48,299
Get in!
I've only gone and got a bloody 2.1!
28
00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:51,259
No, you have not!
Well, no. I've got a third.
29
00:01:51,260 --> 00:01:52,859
But it'll say 2.1 on my CV.
30
00:01:52,860 --> 00:01:54,619
2.2 - maybe that's a typo.
31
00:01:54,620 --> 00:01:57,419
Should it maybe say 2.1,
or maybe just 1?
32
00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:59,059
2.1.
33
00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:00,979
The blindo played a blinder!
34
00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:03,979
Howard?
35
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:05,019
A first.
36
00:02:05,020 --> 00:02:07,859
Fucking right!
All right.
37
00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:11,860
Success does not sit easy on me.
I've a dread of foreboding.
38
00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:14,979
Like Icarus soaring towards the
sun. 2.2? What does that even mean?
39
00:02:14,980 --> 00:02:17,259
That doesn't even mean anything!
Vod?
40
00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:20,579
I've only gone and a got a 2.1!
41
00:02:20,580 --> 00:02:24,459
OK! Good one!
42
00:02:24,460 --> 00:02:26,459
No, I mean, I'd be really happy
for you,
43
00:02:26,460 --> 00:02:30,299
but you're joking, right?
I'm not joking!
44
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:31,939
Oh, my God!
45
00:02:31,940 --> 00:02:34,259
I'm so happy for you.
46
00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:36,699
But how? How could you possibly have
got a 2.1?
47
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:39,099
Read some books, had some opinions.
It's English, it's not hard!
48
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:42,979
Apparently, it can be.
49
00:02:42,980 --> 00:02:45,619
Brilliant, Vod! No, brilliant!
Um, just don't get too up.
50
00:02:45,620 --> 00:02:47,059
I'm not.
No, because, as a friend,
51
00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:49,699
um, I should probably tell you
that you might not have a 2.1.
52
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,419
You might have my 2.1
and I might have your 2.2.
53
00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:54,739
Well, you know what rhymes with
2.2 - fuck you!
54
00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:58,259
Maybe the website was hacked!
Or the moderator was drunk! Or...
55
00:02:58,260 --> 00:03:01,059
Oh, shit! I've got a 2.2, haven't I?
56
00:03:01,060 --> 00:03:05,060
I fucking love university!
Let's all do masters!
57
00:03:08,660 --> 00:03:12,459
We just called to see how you
are. Is everything OK?
58
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,059
Yeah, great.
59
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,099
Everything's great, actually great.
60
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:18,459
I'm having a great day.
Great.
61
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:21,899
She's having a great day!
Great!
62
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,739
OK! Great catching up!
Melissa...
63
00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:26,539
What did you get?
64
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,619
I mean, it's...just a piece of
paper.
65
00:03:28,620 --> 00:03:32,620
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Is that champagne?
66
00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:38,740
There's something you should know.
67
00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:42,379
I...got a first!
68
00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:45,819
THEY LAUGH AND SQUEAL
Oh, wonderful!
69
00:03:45,820 --> 00:03:49,019
Look, Mum and Dad, I don't
want you to get too carried away...
CORK POPS
70
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,899
Oh, er, champagne.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
71
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,619
Ooh!
Ooh, it's fantastic!
72
00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:54,499
Great!
I'm so proud of you!
73
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:58,500
Mm-hm!
Thanks, Mum.
74
00:03:58,540 --> 00:04:00,979
God, that is just...
75
00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:03,539
so nice.
76
00:04:04,630 --> 00:04:07,629
Cheers-ears!
ALL: Cheers
77
00:04:07,630 --> 00:04:09,509
Goodbye, best years of my life.
78
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:12,749
I'll think of you when I'm having
a lonely wank in front of
Game Of Thrones
79
00:04:12,750 --> 00:04:15,229
and setting my alarm for 7am.
80
00:04:15,230 --> 00:04:19,230
Unless you, er, pursue your art?
Pictures of cocks aren't art!
81
00:04:19,870 --> 00:04:22,149
Unless you're Gilbert & George.
82
00:04:22,150 --> 00:04:24,789
Seriously! Can you believe I got
a 2.1?
83
00:04:24,790 --> 00:04:27,349
I just can't get used to saying
"2.1"!
84
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:31,350
Oh... Anyway, now that I've got my
2.1, I mean, it's obvious,
85
00:04:32,550 --> 00:04:34,069
I'm an academic.
86
00:04:34,070 --> 00:04:36,829
So I thought I might do
something amazing like...
87
00:04:36,830 --> 00:04:38,949
cure cancer.
You're not gonna cure cancer.
88
00:04:38,950 --> 00:04:42,829
Haters gonna hate! Don't come
running to me when you've got
cancer.
89
00:04:42,830 --> 00:04:46,269
I won't. Well, you won't be able to
if you've got cancer of the legs.
90
00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,909
Bants! Aw, I'm gonna miss you guys.
91
00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:51,749
What about you, Kings? You don't
have anything lined up, do you?
92
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:55,309
Actually, I've just got an interview
for a position at an internet radio
station.
93
00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:57,949
Oh! That's so brilliant! Well done!
94
00:04:57,950 --> 00:05:01,269
I mean, it's only for trainee
broadcast assistant researcher,
but, you know,
95
00:05:01,270 --> 00:05:03,789
I'm gonna work on some shout-outs
anyway, cos I figure, like,
96
00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:07,789
I dunno, three months in the
mailroom, they'll probably put me
on one of the late-night slots.
97
00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:09,389
Two till six, maybe?
Maybe 10 till 12,
98
00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:13,109
if they like my eclectic blend of
music and chat,
which I think they will.
99
00:05:13,110 --> 00:05:14,189
VOD: Mmm.
100
00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:16,429
Why are you feeling
so sorry for yourself anyway?
101
00:05:16,430 --> 00:05:18,989
I'm the one who's gonna be here next
year, all by myself,
102
00:05:18,990 --> 00:05:20,949
and I don't even have anyone to
live with.
103
00:05:20,950 --> 00:05:22,829
Maybe we should all move to London,
together?
104
00:05:22,830 --> 00:05:24,669
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
105
00:05:24,670 --> 00:05:27,829
Yeah. Yeah, I guess we
could, yeah.
106
00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:30,549
When are you releasing
the location? Oh, yeah, soon!
107
00:05:30,550 --> 00:05:32,949
It's old school. You'll get the
call.
108
00:05:32,950 --> 00:05:34,189
GIRLS LAUGH
109
00:05:34,190 --> 00:05:38,190
Everyone's really looking forward
to Vodstock. What are we gonna do?
110
00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:40,709
Why are you all looking at me?
111
00:05:40,710 --> 00:05:44,029
We're looking at you because you're
Vod, the organiser of Vodstock.
112
00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:46,789
You are literally the face of
this event.
113
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:50,349
Remember? And, thanks to you,
1,000 students are now expecting us
114
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,029
to stage a festival that is,
and I quote,
115
00:05:53,030 --> 00:05:57,030
"Burning Man meets Cirque du Soleil
meets Countryfile meets hajj."
116
00:05:58,670 --> 00:06:01,989
Yeah, well, it was Kingsley's idea
and you lot sold most of the
tickets.
117
00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:04,669
But you're cancelling it
and now we're getting the blame!
118
00:06:04,670 --> 00:06:06,309
I got robbed of the ticket money!
119
00:06:06,310 --> 00:06:09,309
Yeah, robbed by the drug dealers
you hired as security, ironically.
120
00:06:09,310 --> 00:06:11,749
Correct! You don't even feel a bit
responsible?
121
00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:15,109
What for? The Muggles? The Mooks?
122
00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:16,869
The customers!
123
00:06:16,870 --> 00:06:19,189
All right! I've got an idea.
124
00:06:19,190 --> 00:06:22,029
We erect a series of signs
directing everyone
125
00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:25,749
away from the field into another
field, then another
126
00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:27,829
and eventually over a cliff.
127
00:06:27,830 --> 00:06:30,469
You mean, like in a Road Runner
cartoon?
128
00:06:30,470 --> 00:06:34,470
JP: We are so fucked!
129
00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:44,669
What are you doing?
I'm desperate!
130
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:48,109
So I'm applying for a PGCE.
Dad! Dad?
131
00:06:48,110 --> 00:06:49,629
SHE GASPS
132
00:06:49,630 --> 00:06:53,309
Yeah! I only got a fucking 2.1!
133
00:06:53,310 --> 00:06:54,549
DAD: 'Yes!'
134
00:06:54,550 --> 00:06:57,189
CHEERING OVER TELEPHONE
135
00:06:57,190 --> 00:07:00,429
Er, yeah. A few ideas.
136
00:07:00,430 --> 00:07:03,389
Cure cancer, um...
137
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,949
be a teacher.
138
00:07:04,950 --> 00:07:06,269
What?!
139
00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:08,029
But a cool one.
140
00:07:08,030 --> 00:07:11,269
Er...she got a 2.2.
141
00:07:11,270 --> 00:07:12,869
Sorry, he asked.
142
00:07:12,870 --> 00:07:14,309
Yeah!
143
00:07:14,310 --> 00:07:16,469
So... So, you're, er,
144
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:20,470
probably too busy doing RAF shit
to come to graduation, but...
145
00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:24,229
Oh, fucking brilliant!
146
00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:27,749
I mean, cool! Yeah, cool!
147
00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:31,389
All right, well, see ya later,
aviator!
148
00:07:31,390 --> 00:07:33,749
All right, all right, right, right.
149
00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:36,229
He likes the teaching idea.
150
00:07:36,230 --> 00:07:40,230
I mean, the irony is,
I don't even need a 2.1 to do that.
151
00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:43,709
Maybe you should have it.
152
00:07:43,710 --> 00:07:45,469
Can I transfer it?
153
00:07:45,470 --> 00:07:48,029
Or are they non-transferable,
like train tickets?
154
00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:51,389
Can you believe this?
155
00:07:51,390 --> 00:07:54,709
Josie! Mm?
156
00:07:54,710 --> 00:07:58,469
Oh, sorry, I...stopped listening.
157
00:07:58,470 --> 00:08:02,470
You've got my mark. You've got
my degree. And now you want to steal
my career!
158
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:06,189
Oh, there's room
for more than one teacher!
159
00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:08,229
Like, my school -
there were at least ten!
160
00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:09,549
No.
161
00:08:09,550 --> 00:08:13,550
VOD SIGHS
162
00:08:14,110 --> 00:08:16,949
Hm. Why did I bring so many bongos?
163
00:08:16,950 --> 00:08:19,989
KNOCK ON DOOR
164
00:08:19,990 --> 00:08:21,149
Hey.
165
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:25,150
I was just packing and I found
these plasters. Memories, eh?
166
00:08:27,950 --> 00:08:30,309
We will still see each other?
167
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:33,309
After uni?
Yeah. I mean...
168
00:08:33,310 --> 00:08:35,829
I might have the odd weekend off.
OK, good!
169
00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:38,629
Because did you know
that the halfway point
170
00:08:38,630 --> 00:08:41,509
between London and Manchester
is Coventry?
171
00:08:41,510 --> 00:08:45,029
Now, I haven't been there,
but it's probably amazing.
172
00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:48,749
So I thought, if we could find
somewhere to meet up -
173
00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:52,149
a little Coventry cottage
with an open fire -
174
00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:56,069
if we wanted to, you know,
we could...do what we do best.
175
00:08:56,070 --> 00:08:59,109
Yeah. I mean, we...
we wouldn't be going out,
176
00:08:59,110 --> 00:09:03,110
but, er, we'd sort of be...
seeing each other.
177
00:09:03,190 --> 00:09:06,589
Sure, er, yeah, but I...I'm
super easy.
178
00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:10,590
Oh, yeah, me too. I'm eggs over easy
on a slice of wholemeal whatevs!
179
00:09:11,390 --> 00:09:13,709
Running up the flagpole,
see who salutes? Exactly.
180
00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:17,149
Try it on for size,
see where it ventures!
181
00:09:17,150 --> 00:09:20,829
Yeah, that...that sounds good.
Great.
182
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:21,949
SHE SIGHS
183
00:09:21,950 --> 00:09:23,429
Ah, isn't this just great?
184
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:27,430
You're popping your little Welsh
trotter into Prince Charming's glass
slipper.
185
00:09:33,070 --> 00:09:35,189
Yeah. I've got some packing to do.
186
00:09:35,190 --> 00:09:39,190
HE MUTTERS
187
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:43,029
So perhaps I could finish by saying
what a lifelong dream it's been...
188
00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,229
KINGSLEY CONTINUES INSIDE
189
00:09:45,230 --> 00:09:47,069
Hey!
190
00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:48,509
You look wired.
191
00:09:48,510 --> 00:09:52,510
The attack dogs of midnight
roiled with a cloying intensity.
192
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:54,909
I stayed up all night applying for
193
00:09:54,910 --> 00:09:57,589
every creative writing MA in
Britain!
194
00:09:57,590 --> 00:09:59,189
It was while I was packing
195
00:09:59,190 --> 00:10:03,190
my vast and eclectic collection
of paperbacks that I realised...
196
00:10:03,230 --> 00:10:05,669
I'm a novelist!
Right.
197
00:10:05,670 --> 00:10:09,669
TOILET FLUSHES
Or just...someone who reads.
198
00:10:09,670 --> 00:10:10,909
Hey!
199
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:12,909
So, how was it?
200
00:10:12,910 --> 00:10:16,910
Um, I was quite nervous, so, in
a way, it was good to do it in
the toilet.
201
00:10:17,030 --> 00:10:21,030
Eugh!
202
00:10:22,590 --> 00:10:23,949
JP: Oh!
203
00:10:23,950 --> 00:10:25,789
I love this!
204
00:10:25,790 --> 00:10:27,749
It's so comfortable!
205
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:30,469
Like a poncho for intellectuals.
206
00:10:30,470 --> 00:10:33,709
Or a gentleman's burqa.
207
00:10:33,710 --> 00:10:36,789
I feel like Zorro, or a Mason.
LAUGHS TO HIMSELF
208
00:10:36,790 --> 00:10:38,509
You do realise that we're gonna have
209
00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:41,109
to see everyone that we sold tickets
to at graduation?
210
00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:42,949
All right, I've got a plan!
211
00:10:42,950 --> 00:10:45,349
- We do a runner.
- Works for me.
212
00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:48,789
This is so unrestrictive.
It would be great for running.
213
00:10:48,790 --> 00:10:50,549
No!
Like a getaway gown!
214
00:10:50,550 --> 00:10:53,989
It is time to grow up!
We have to release the details!
215
00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:55,829
We'll say, "Bring your headphones,"
216
00:10:55,830 --> 00:10:59,029
and then, I don't know, when people
get to the field, I stream my -
217
00:10:59,030 --> 00:11:02,149
to be fair - incredible
Vodstock playlist.
218
00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:05,669
Best silent disco ever -
my amazing playlist saves the day.
219
00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:08,149
Kingsley's right.
About the playlist?
220
00:11:08,150 --> 00:11:11,949
No! We need to confront this like
adults.
221
00:11:11,950 --> 00:11:14,829
Ooh, I know. We could sing a song
from The Sound Of Music
222
00:11:14,830 --> 00:11:16,269
and have a mental breakdown.
223
00:11:16,270 --> 00:11:19,549
That's an option.
224
00:11:19,550 --> 00:11:23,550
So, I have found the London house,
as per our group agreement.
225
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,189
Did we agree?
226
00:11:28,190 --> 00:11:31,069
You assented by making
positive faces and noises.
227
00:11:31,070 --> 00:11:35,070
Thus I have, er,
found ourselves a house to share
228
00:11:35,150 --> 00:11:39,150
in the lovely-sounding
Colliers Wood. Here.
229
00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:41,709
Hmm.
230
00:11:41,710 --> 00:11:45,029
"Victorian period property.
Easily maintained gardens."
231
00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:48,629
Sounds great.
I'll be back in a minute.
232
00:11:48,630 --> 00:11:51,229
We're obviously
not going to live with him, are we?
233
00:11:51,230 --> 00:11:54,549
God, no, I wouldn't be seen dead
in Colliers Wood! It's in Zone 3!
234
00:11:54,550 --> 00:11:55,749
We should tell him now.
235
00:11:55,750 --> 00:11:59,750
You know, I was so scared
about moving to London,
236
00:12:00,070 --> 00:12:02,389
the only way I can imagine doing it
is with you guys,
237
00:12:02,390 --> 00:12:06,390
so, here's the lease for
House Share 2: Share Harder!
238
00:12:12,790 --> 00:12:15,949
Yes! Fucking yes, I got it!
I fucking got it!
239
00:12:15,950 --> 00:12:19,029
You're listening to
Kingsley's Overexcited FM! Yeah!
240
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:22,429
That's my station ident. Yeah, I
think I'll stick to Radio 2.
241
00:12:22,430 --> 00:12:24,989
What's the, er, starting salary?
Um...
242
00:12:24,990 --> 00:12:26,709
GIRL: Kingsley!
243
00:12:26,710 --> 00:12:29,789
It's gonna be awesome!
Yeah, you know it!
244
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,669
Can't wait!
245
00:12:31,670 --> 00:12:33,269
I think I'm gonna be sick!
246
00:12:33,270 --> 00:12:36,789
Oh, my God!
The attack dogs at midnight are back
247
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:39,069
and they have torn
academic precedents to shreds!
248
00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:41,949
I can't believe I've got an answer
so quickly.
249
00:12:41,950 --> 00:12:44,149
Novel writing, here in Mancunia!
250
00:12:44,150 --> 00:12:47,029
I'm, like, the first person
to ever get on an MA with a 2.2!
251
00:12:47,030 --> 00:12:50,269
They must've really loved my sample.
252
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,469
Where is my dad? Pfft!
I need to keep him away from my mum
253
00:12:53,470 --> 00:12:57,189
in case she gets all glug-glug,
shouty-shouty, punchy-fucky!
254
00:12:57,190 --> 00:13:00,389
Here comes my mum.
255
00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:04,149
Carrying her sick dog
for maximum emotional manipulation.
256
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,589
OK, right, guys - group huddle.
257
00:13:05,590 --> 00:13:09,229
Can everyone please remember
to call me Melissa in front of
my mum?
258
00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:12,549
Also, please can everyone pretend
that I'm still the president of
the union,
259
00:13:12,550 --> 00:13:14,989
and that I got a first,
and also, don't mention
260
00:13:14,990 --> 00:13:17,829
the fact I had an affair
with Tony Shales and his son.
261
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,389
Not affair, relationship.
262
00:13:19,390 --> 00:13:22,709
And also, can please nobody mention
that I snapped a man's banjo string
263
00:13:22,710 --> 00:13:24,269
whilst making love to him on
a table,
264
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:25,989
which resulted in him being
deported?
265
00:13:25,990 --> 00:13:29,990
Yeah, I think I might just ignore
your mum altogether. Seems like the
safest option.
266
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,629
OK.
There she is! My daughter, Melissa!
267
00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:37,349
President of the student union
with her first-class degree!
268
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:40,909
With a place on an MA in novel
writing right here in Manchester!
269
00:13:40,910 --> 00:13:43,709
EXCITED LAUGHTER
270
00:13:43,710 --> 00:13:45,269
Isn't she incredible?!
271
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:48,269
Jeeps! Mate!
272
00:13:48,270 --> 00:13:50,469
You fucking did it!
273
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:54,029
I mean, yeah, OK, Manchester's
not exactly Durham or Exeter,
274
00:13:54,030 --> 00:13:57,749
or Bristol, or St Andrew's,
or Imperial,
275
00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:01,309
or even, like,
Newcastle or UCR, but still, I...
276
00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:05,310
I'm amazed you graduated.
So, er... So thank fuck for that!
277
00:14:05,790 --> 00:14:08,589
I mean, it might've been tricky
holding the job open for you
otherwise.
278
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:12,590
Yeah, um, do you think it would be
all right if we waited a year until
I started?
279
00:14:12,630 --> 00:14:16,630
You know, like a suspended...
I don't wanna say sentence,
280
00:14:17,230 --> 00:14:21,230
but maybe I could take another year
off, just get my head together?
281
00:14:21,550 --> 00:14:25,509
No! I'm sending you straight into
the City to milk the money titty!
282
00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:29,029
You're gonna be young, dumb
and worth a lump sum.
283
00:14:29,030 --> 00:14:31,549
Champagne for my real friends?
284
00:14:31,550 --> 00:14:36,550
BOTH: And real pain for my sham
friends!
285
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,659
Look, Mum! Mum, don't!
Give him a kiss.
286
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:52,259
Mum, no!
It's disgusting. No kissing.
287
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:54,259
No Dad?
288
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,699
Or Mum?
Yeah?
289
00:14:57,700 --> 00:15:00,259
Relaxing without 'em. Ideal.
290
00:15:00,260 --> 00:15:04,260
WOMAN: English Literature.
291
00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:07,179
Well, go on - up you go!
292
00:15:07,180 --> 00:15:08,899
Mum, there's something I need to
tell you.
293
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:12,900
Melissa, I've waited 20 years for
this.
294
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:15,779
Melissa Shawcross.
295
00:15:15,780 --> 00:15:17,499
SOME APPLAUSE
296
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,619
BOOING
297
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:23,419
What's going on?
Why's she being booed?
298
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:24,459
BOOING CONTINUES
299
00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:26,899
I dunno. Student humour?
300
00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:30,900
Oh! I love that! That's so zany!
301
00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:33,419
Boo!
302
00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:34,499
BOOING GETS LOUDER
303
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,619
MAN: Get off!
Sorry about the booing.
304
00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:39,619
I've got a little something for you
that might cheer you up.
305
00:15:39,620 --> 00:15:41,179
Golden scroll.
306
00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:42,819
Golden girl.
307
00:15:42,820 --> 00:15:45,859
I made it myself.
Tony, that's very weird.
308
00:15:45,860 --> 00:15:49,860
Oh, my God,
she's asked for a golden scroll!
309
00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:56,780
MUSIC: School's Out by Alice Cooper
310
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:02,900
# Well, we got no choice
311
00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:06,939
# All the girls and boys
312
00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:09,659
# Makin' all that noise
313
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:13,459
# Cos they found new toys
314
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:17,460
# Well, we can't salute ya
Can't find a flag
315
00:16:17,820 --> 00:16:21,299
# If that don't suit ya,
that's a drag
316
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:25,300
# School's out for summer!
317
00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:30,059
♪ School's out for ever... ♪
318
00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:34,060
DOG BARKS
319
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:39,500
♪ ..School's been blown to
pieces... ♪
320
00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:43,940
...admirable replacement - please
welcome the new president of the
student union,
321
00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:48,259
Natasha Clarke.
322
00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:51,659
I don't understand -
the new president?
323
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:55,660
My theme today is how should we
behave as adults in the real world?
324
00:16:58,180 --> 00:17:01,459
As you know, our previous president
- Melissa Shawcross -
325
00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:05,460
was impeached and ousted
for gross misconduct, so...
326
00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:08,899
not like her.
327
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:12,900
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND BOOING
328
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:17,900
So, I didn't get offered a Fulbright
and I'm not the president.
329
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:22,420
I was ousted due to gross
mismanagement and corruption.
330
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:27,140
Also, I had an affair with my tutor,
Professor Shales.
331
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:30,179
Oh, my God! Melissa!
And his son, Dylan.
332
00:17:30,180 --> 00:17:33,139
Also, I didn't get a first.
333
00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:36,859
You got a 2.1?
334
00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:38,019
A 2.2.
335
00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:42,019
Oh...God! I'm so humiliated!
336
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,219
Melissa, you're such a
disappointment!
337
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:45,339
No, she isn't, love!
338
00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:47,779
She's the best president we
ever had!
339
00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:51,780
But while she was thinking big
about poetry and education and
chips,
340
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,499
all these fuckheads wanted
to think about
341
00:17:57,500 --> 00:18:01,500
was rugby and badminton
and careers and degrees!
342
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:05,499
I mean, yeah, she got rejected,
343
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,179
but so did Jesus, and JK Rowling.
344
00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:13,180
And, if it wasn't for Oregon,
I wouldn't even have a degree.
345
00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:16,979
She let me copy her coursework.
346
00:18:16,980 --> 00:18:20,980
She...inspired me to think
about books.
347
00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:25,339
Even the ones written by wankers
to fake you out.
348
00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:27,899
Thank you, Vod.
349
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:31,900
And she did not mean to snap that
guy's dong. That was an accident.
350
00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,939
I hadn't actually mentioned that.
351
00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:37,739
Who the hell is Oregon?
352
00:18:37,740 --> 00:18:41,740
I'm Oregon and I'm going to stay
here and I'm going to learn to be
a writer.
353
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:46,379
I got on the MA Creative Writing
course, even though I only got a
2.2!
354
00:18:46,380 --> 00:18:48,699
No-one's ever done that before!
355
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:51,219
And it's all down
to how good a writer I am!
356
00:18:51,220 --> 00:18:54,659
I'm going to be one of this
country's greatest novelists,
357
00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:56,819
if their reaction to my sample
is anything to go by!
358
00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:59,619
Oregon...
Um?
359
00:18:59,620 --> 00:19:02,699
Glad I could help with the MA,
by the way.
360
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,819
I quietly binned
Attack Dogs Of Midnight
361
00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:07,139
for a little something
from my own humble quill,
362
00:19:07,140 --> 00:19:11,140
and in you slid, past
the adjudicators and straight onto
my little course.
363
00:19:13,540 --> 00:19:15,059
What?!
364
00:19:15,060 --> 00:19:17,619
Tony Shales,
I don't think we've had the...
365
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:20,739
VOD GASPS
366
00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:24,740
MUSIC: You and I by Wilco
367
00:19:26,220 --> 00:19:30,220
# You and I
368
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:34,500
# We might be strangers
369
00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:37,299
♪ However close we get
sometimes... ♪
370
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,419
DOG GROWLS
371
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:41,699
# ..It's like we never met
372
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:45,700
# But you and I
373
00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:50,220
# I think we can take it
374
00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:53,139
# All the good with the bad
375
00:19:53,140 --> 00:19:57,140
# Make something
that no-one else has, but...
376
00:19:58,260 --> 00:19:59,699
♪ You and I... ♪
377
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,339
Hi, yeah, um...
CLEARS THROAT
378
00:20:01,340 --> 00:20:04,179
..I just wanted to check something,
actually, about the, um,
379
00:20:04,180 --> 00:20:07,739
the trainee broadcast
assistant researcher job.
380
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:11,179
Um, just a tiny, tiny detail,
really, but, um...
381
00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:15,059
as regarding
the actual physical salary, um...
382
00:20:15,060 --> 00:20:19,060
I don't wanna be rude, but, um,
what...what level is that per se,
so to speak?
383
00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:24,539
That's the total figure?
Hey, Josie!
384
00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:26,899
Can you tell us where Vodstock
will be? Good, OK. Yup!
385
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:30,900
Talk to Vod -
that's why it's called Vodstock!
No, I understand! Thank you. Cheers.
386
00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,259
Hey.
387
00:20:33,260 --> 00:20:35,859
You seen Vod?
Um, no, sorry.
388
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,899
SHE SIGHS
389
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:40,939
Er, is there any chance of a
heads-up on the down-low of the
location?
390
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:44,339
Still under wraps. You'll get the
text from our burner phone at 1800
hours.
391
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:46,739
Cool.
One thing to mention is...
392
00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:49,739
should there be an issue with the
sound system, which there won't be,
393
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:53,740
but in case of, er, cow issues,
or a barn malfunction, just...
394
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:59,619
bring your headphones.
I've got an unbelievable playlist.
395
00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:01,059
Bang! Silent disco.
396
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,379
What a way to go out?
397
00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:06,739
60 quid for a, er...
ticket for a silent disco?
398
00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:09,179
You're gonna get
stabbed in the face, mate.
399
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:12,899
And not silently.
400
00:21:12,900 --> 00:21:16,900
I was thinking, um, if we shouldn't,
if it wouldn't be cooler
401
00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:20,059
to keep us a secret?
From Kingsley?
402
00:21:20,060 --> 00:21:23,939
From everyone.
From our friends?
403
00:21:23,940 --> 00:21:25,499
And what about your family?
404
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:28,179
I mean, I presume
I'll get to meet them at some point?
405
00:21:28,180 --> 00:21:32,180
OK, look, sit.
406
00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:34,459
Look...
407
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:38,460
I don't want to say this...but...
408
00:21:38,860 --> 00:21:42,860
If a Martian came down to Earth, um,
they could,
409
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,779
might, take one look at you
410
00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:49,780
and decide that you're a...you
know...
411
00:21:49,940 --> 00:21:52,979
..stupid rich tit
who embodies everything that's wrong
412
00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:55,699
with our money-orientated,
class-bound society.
413
00:21:55,700 --> 00:21:57,899
That's what a Martian would think?
414
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,979
Well, yeah.
But you can understand that.
415
00:21:59,980 --> 00:22:01,459
I mean, you are a bit of a tit.
416
00:22:01,460 --> 00:22:03,859
Do you like me, Josie?
417
00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:06,739
As a person?
418
00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:08,619
Oh...
419
00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:10,659
You've really put me on the spot
here.
420
00:22:10,660 --> 00:22:12,819
And if I'm not allowed
to meet your family,
421
00:22:12,820 --> 00:22:14,939
and I'm not allowed to kiss you
in public,
422
00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:17,739
what am I allowed to do?
423
00:22:17,740 --> 00:22:19,859
Fuck me in secret?
424
00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:21,539
God!
425
00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:25,540
You see, on the one hand,
that massively gives me the horn.
426
00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:28,459
But on the other hand...
427
00:22:28,460 --> 00:22:30,139
it kind of makes me want to cry.
428
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:34,139
And the wanting to cry's
making my horn go soft.
429
00:22:34,140 --> 00:22:36,499
Because it turns out tears
beats horn
430
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:40,019
in a game of rock, paper,
tears, scissors, horn.
431
00:22:40,020 --> 00:22:43,619
I'm sorry, Josie.
432
00:22:43,620 --> 00:22:46,379
I don't think I can do this.
433
00:22:46,380 --> 00:22:50,380
I really don't.
Well...
434
00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:55,939
So, Vod's disappeared, along with
my future and my relationship with
my mum.
435
00:22:55,940 --> 00:22:58,099
What, Vod's run away from
responsibility?
436
00:22:58,100 --> 00:22:59,619
Never! I can't believe it!
437
00:22:59,620 --> 00:23:03,419
Well, it's irresponsible and I hate
her for it, but I can sort of see
the logic.
438
00:23:03,420 --> 00:23:06,819
Oi, Kingsley - it's not happening,
is it?
439
00:23:06,820 --> 00:23:07,820
SIGHS
440
00:23:07,821 --> 00:23:09,659
Everyone hates you because of
Vodstock
441
00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:11,299
and it's totally ruining my big day!
442
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:13,659
Don't worry, we'll be safe in
London.
443
00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:17,660
The, er, back wall's got
barbed wire on it.
444
00:23:18,860 --> 00:23:22,579
OK, right, I have been picking up
vibes, so I'm just gonna ask
outright.
445
00:23:22,580 --> 00:23:25,179
Do you all want to live with me
in our new house in Colliers Wood
446
00:23:25,180 --> 00:23:27,779
or don't you?
Er...
447
00:23:27,780 --> 00:23:29,979
I'm a fully-fledged human adult
448
00:23:29,980 --> 00:23:32,019
and I deserve to be treated as such!
ALL MURMUR
449
00:23:32,020 --> 00:23:34,139
I don't think so.
It was mental.
450
00:23:34,140 --> 00:23:36,059
Well, thank you for telling me
the truth.
451
00:23:36,060 --> 00:23:39,539
University is over! We are over!
The dream is dead!
452
00:23:39,540 --> 00:23:43,540
I'm gonna buy a small plot of land
in Colliers Wood and...
453
00:23:43,740 --> 00:23:45,379
bury the dream!
454
00:23:45,380 --> 00:23:47,779
ANNOYED CHATTER
455
00:23:47,780 --> 00:23:52,600
Yeah, I think that might not be
the only thing getting buried.
GIRL: Yeah, a scam.
456
00:24:00,390 --> 00:24:02,869
JP: I knew these gowns
would be great for running!
457
00:24:02,870 --> 00:24:04,309
Fucking Vod!
458
00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:07,989
OK, so we flush, pack and run,
right?
459
00:24:07,990 --> 00:24:09,989
Great! More running!
460
00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:11,149
I'm getting in my car.
461
00:24:11,150 --> 00:24:15,150
I mean, sitting there and waiting
for you! Oh! Fucking Vod!
462
00:24:22,830 --> 00:24:25,029
What's going on?
Are we being burgled?
463
00:24:25,030 --> 00:24:29,030
In a very orderly fashion?
464
00:24:29,550 --> 00:24:33,550
Um... I'm putting your stuff
in the cellar for safekeeping.
465
00:24:34,030 --> 00:24:35,349
Look...
466
00:24:35,350 --> 00:24:36,869
CLEARS THROAT
467
00:24:36,870 --> 00:24:39,789
I don't have any family.
468
00:24:39,790 --> 00:24:41,749
I mean, I do, but they're shit,
469
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:44,829
so... you're my family and I fucked
it with you.
470
00:24:44,830 --> 00:24:48,349
And I'm gonna put it right, so I
have pulled in a couple of favours
471
00:24:48,350 --> 00:24:52,350
and Vodstock is now Houseapalooza!
472
00:24:53,110 --> 00:24:56,349
We're having the party right here,
losers!
473
00:24:56,350 --> 00:24:59,949
We're throwing a party for 1,000
people in a house designed for six?
474
00:24:59,950 --> 00:25:01,709
No! This is my house!
475
00:25:01,710 --> 00:25:03,629
- My nest egg!
- We've got a garden.
476
00:25:03,630 --> 00:25:06,509
Could work. Could it work?
I want it to work!
477
00:25:06,510 --> 00:25:08,469
Might not work.
Are we all up for this?
478
00:25:08,470 --> 00:25:09,829
No!
479
00:25:09,830 --> 00:25:11,589
Right, well, I'm gonna take that
as a yes,
480
00:25:11,590 --> 00:25:13,669
cos I've just put the details
on the internet.
481
00:25:13,670 --> 00:25:15,869
Then take them off the internet!
482
00:25:15,870 --> 00:25:19,549
I can't! I don't have
the, um, internet scraper!
483
00:25:19,550 --> 00:25:21,509
Can I say again? No!
484
00:25:21,510 --> 00:25:23,029
Look, Kingo, music?
485
00:25:23,030 --> 00:25:26,109
Jose? Stealing pint glasses?
486
00:25:26,110 --> 00:25:29,629
Howard... Security.
No - meet and greet!
487
00:25:29,630 --> 00:25:32,029
Not my ideal role.
I don't care!
488
00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:36,030
Have a look at this.
489
00:25:40,990 --> 00:25:44,990
Holy shit!
490
00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:48,989
There are people!
CLAMOUR OUTSIDE
491
00:25:48,990 --> 00:25:50,949
You've got the wrong house!
Try next door!
492
00:25:50,950 --> 00:25:52,749
KNOCKING ON DOOR
We're vegans!
493
00:25:52,750 --> 00:25:54,709
MAN: Is this Vodstock?
A fucking house?!
494
00:25:54,710 --> 00:25:57,389
JP, Vodstock can't be stopped!
495
00:25:57,390 --> 00:26:00,749
KNOCKING ON DOOR
You can do this, Howie.
496
00:26:00,750 --> 00:26:04,750
INSPIRATIONAL CELTIC MUSIC
497
00:26:09,310 --> 00:26:13,310
DRUM AND BASS MUSIC BEGINS
498
00:26:14,910 --> 00:26:16,829
Come in!
499
00:26:16,830 --> 00:26:18,949
Remember - no sex in the garden!
500
00:26:18,950 --> 00:26:21,349
I'm kidding! Everyone's gonna have
sex in the garden!
501
00:26:21,350 --> 00:26:22,829
Don't go in the garden!
502
00:26:22,830 --> 00:26:26,830
MUSIC: Code Red (94 Mix) by
Congo Natty
503
00:26:34,230 --> 00:26:38,230
All music, all the time -
you're listening to Kingsley Owen
in his own house.
504
00:26:40,110 --> 00:26:44,110
Just letting the playlist of
the century roll out over you.
505
00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:48,270
Coming up, a little bit of grime
in the trap stylee.
506
00:26:48,430 --> 00:26:52,430
Don't dance, just quiver.
507
00:26:53,990 --> 00:26:57,990
Maybe just play the music, yeah?
Yeah.
508
00:27:00,950 --> 00:27:04,950
MUSIC POUNDS
509
00:27:06,150 --> 00:27:09,789
OK, guys, er, watch yourselves,
there is bass all over the place
510
00:27:09,790 --> 00:27:11,589
and, er, bits of the roof also.
511
00:27:11,590 --> 00:27:15,590
OK, so, er, next in, guys -
let's get this party...continued!
512
00:27:17,310 --> 00:27:21,310
Charlie?
513
00:27:22,350 --> 00:27:23,829
RUMBLING AND CREAKING
514
00:27:23,830 --> 00:27:25,469
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
515
00:27:25,470 --> 00:27:29,470
Definitely! Really?!
516
00:27:29,590 --> 00:27:33,590
PHONE BEEPS
517
00:27:40,030 --> 00:27:41,349
Drowning my sorrows.
518
00:27:41,350 --> 00:27:43,669
Aren't you supposed to be
downstairs?
519
00:27:43,670 --> 00:27:46,189
I'm just a bit worried
the ceiling might come down
520
00:27:46,190 --> 00:27:48,789
before I get the chance
to pack all my stuff.
521
00:27:48,790 --> 00:27:51,309
Kingsley, I'm gonna kiss you.
522
00:27:51,310 --> 00:27:53,669
Er... What?
523
00:27:53,670 --> 00:27:56,989
What happens if we were
always supposed to be together?
524
00:27:56,990 --> 00:28:00,990
We need to check if we have
chemistry.
525
00:28:11,430 --> 00:28:15,430
OK, I'm gonna call that a no.
526
00:28:17,750 --> 00:28:19,909
Was that...?
527
00:28:19,910 --> 00:28:21,389
Just a chemistry experiment.
528
00:28:21,390 --> 00:28:23,509
Oh, right.
529
00:28:23,510 --> 00:28:27,510
Any good? No!
530
00:28:35,350 --> 00:28:38,069
I just need to check one thing.
531
00:28:38,070 --> 00:28:40,669
JP?
532
00:28:40,670 --> 00:28:44,670
He's a dick, isn't he?
Yeah, he is, but...you know...
533
00:28:44,990 --> 00:28:47,349
for a dick, he's surprisingly
all right.
534
00:28:47,350 --> 00:28:50,229
SHE CHUCKLES
535
00:28:50,230 --> 00:28:54,230
But I...I would love it
if you didn't go out with him.
536
00:28:55,510 --> 00:28:56,589
MUSIC CONTINUES
537
00:28:56,590 --> 00:28:58,349
WHISTLING AND WHOOPING
538
00:28:58,350 --> 00:29:02,149
Sorry, pal. No trainers.
539
00:29:02,150 --> 00:29:06,150
I'm kidding! Ha-ha! We'll let
anyone in! Even him! Huh?!
540
00:29:07,190 --> 00:29:11,190
Just messing with you, Ben!
Ben!
541
00:29:11,910 --> 00:29:15,309
Howard? There's something weird
about you.
542
00:29:15,310 --> 00:29:16,749
You seem less weird.
543
00:29:16,750 --> 00:29:18,829
Which is weird!
Thank you.
544
00:29:18,830 --> 00:29:22,269
After studying you lot for years,
it would seem that I can now appear
normal.
545
00:29:22,270 --> 00:29:23,669
Like a psychopath?
546
00:29:23,670 --> 00:29:26,269
Yes, like a benign psychopath.
547
00:29:26,270 --> 00:29:29,349
Mmm!
Life is good!
548
00:29:29,350 --> 00:29:32,709
Mad love to the lady bitches
and the man bitches!
549
00:29:32,710 --> 00:29:36,549
Gimme your tix
then get in and get your fix!
550
00:29:36,550 --> 00:29:39,509
Maybe take it down a notch?
Not a problem.
551
00:29:39,510 --> 00:29:43,510
All right? All right?
552
00:29:43,990 --> 00:29:46,789
All right?
553
00:29:46,790 --> 00:29:48,549
Right, you need a coaster!
554
00:29:48,550 --> 00:29:51,949
Come on!
Take one of these, pass them on!
555
00:29:51,950 --> 00:29:53,069
KLAXON BLARES
556
00:29:53,070 --> 00:29:55,629
Let's coaster up, people! Hey!
557
00:29:55,630 --> 00:29:59,630
Oi! Get down off that window!
558
00:30:00,550 --> 00:30:02,309
Oi! Are you smoking?
559
00:30:02,310 --> 00:30:06,310
That's illegal! Put it out now
or I will make a citizen's arrest!
560
00:30:09,390 --> 00:30:10,789
Oh, my God! Vod!
561
00:30:10,790 --> 00:30:14,309
LOUD VIBRATIONS, CRACKING
562
00:30:14,310 --> 00:30:16,989
That massive crack on the wall -
that was here before, right?
563
00:30:16,990 --> 00:30:18,869
Yeah!
564
00:30:18,870 --> 00:30:22,870
Yeah, I definitely seem to remember
the massive crack in the wall.
565
00:30:27,790 --> 00:30:29,269
So...
566
00:30:29,270 --> 00:30:31,629
The last hurrah.
567
00:30:31,630 --> 00:30:33,469
Hurrah!
568
00:30:33,470 --> 00:30:35,549
You up for a good time tonight?
569
00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:38,549
Er...what?
570
00:30:38,550 --> 00:30:42,149
You probably look at me and think
"bit of a posh twat",
571
00:30:42,150 --> 00:30:43,869
but I'm a good guy.
572
00:30:43,870 --> 00:30:47,309
Like, yeah, I'm tough on JP, but...
573
00:30:47,310 --> 00:30:50,829
It's tough love, because I care
about my little brother.
574
00:30:50,830 --> 00:30:52,269
Yeah? Yeah.
575
00:30:52,270 --> 00:30:54,069
Is that why you're hitting on his...
576
00:30:54,070 --> 00:30:55,709
housemate?
Ha-ha!
577
00:30:55,710 --> 00:30:57,509
It's probably cos you're incredibly
hot.
578
00:30:57,510 --> 00:30:59,709
And I'm incredibly horny.
579
00:30:59,710 --> 00:31:03,710
So what do you say
to, er...to getting jiggy?
580
00:31:04,070 --> 00:31:06,389
I say, politely...
581
00:31:06,390 --> 00:31:08,069
Fuck off!
582
00:31:08,070 --> 00:31:10,749
Back off, Tomothy, you're being
a prick!
583
00:31:10,750 --> 00:31:14,029
Dude, I'm not sure you wanna talk
like that to your soon-to-be boss!
584
00:31:14,030 --> 00:31:16,989
You're not my boss!
And you never will be!
585
00:31:16,990 --> 00:31:18,509
And you know why?
586
00:31:18,510 --> 00:31:20,469
Because I don't want your job!
587
00:31:20,470 --> 00:31:23,709
I don't want to do a horrible job
that I don't like!
588
00:31:23,710 --> 00:31:26,069
Er, sorry, pal, no-one does.
589
00:31:26,070 --> 00:31:28,589
You just joined Real World Soc.
590
00:31:28,590 --> 00:31:30,429
And it's a terrible Soc!
591
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:34,309
And you have to go to all the
meetings! And you can never leave!
592
00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:37,229
Or join any other Socs,
so suck it up!
593
00:31:37,230 --> 00:31:38,549
OK?
594
00:31:38,550 --> 00:31:40,709
I've decided I want to do
something else.
595
00:31:40,710 --> 00:31:43,389
Like what, for fuck's sake?
I don't know!
596
00:31:43,390 --> 00:31:46,589
Josie was telling me that maybe
I could become a cartoonist.
597
00:31:46,590 --> 00:31:48,909
SCOFFS: A cartoonist?
Mm-hm!
598
00:31:48,910 --> 00:31:52,589
Jesus! Right now, Dad is spinning
in his grave!
599
00:31:52,590 --> 00:31:55,549
But maybe you could draw
a cartoon of him in his grave
600
00:31:55,550 --> 00:31:59,149
and add little movement lines to
indicate the direction of his
spinning!
601
00:31:59,150 --> 00:32:01,309
Well, whatever!
That was just one idea!
602
00:32:01,310 --> 00:32:05,310
But I've decided to dream
the impossible dream
603
00:32:05,350 --> 00:32:07,709
and follow my dream of making it
real!
604
00:32:07,710 --> 00:32:11,189
Oh, God, JP, listen to
yourself! You sound like Les Mis!
605
00:32:11,190 --> 00:32:13,709
Good! I bloody love Les Mis!
606
00:32:13,710 --> 00:32:17,269
And you know what?!
I am master of the house!
607
00:32:17,270 --> 00:32:19,469
And you can fuck off out of it!
608
00:32:19,470 --> 00:32:23,389
What, is that Les Mis?
Yes! It is!
609
00:32:23,390 --> 00:32:27,390
So, go on! Fuck off!
610
00:32:35,070 --> 00:32:37,149
I feel so compelled to sing
right now!
611
00:32:37,150 --> 00:32:39,229
Don't ruin it.
OK!
612
00:32:39,230 --> 00:32:43,230
MUSIC: Animal Rights by
Deadmau5 & Wolfgang Garter
613
00:32:43,310 --> 00:32:46,589
Listen, if my brother tries to come
back in here, then...
614
00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:48,109
What's going on?
615
00:32:48,110 --> 00:32:51,069
House meeting! I don't think
the house is safe! The ceiling!
616
00:32:51,070 --> 00:32:53,749
It's the playlist? It's too strong?
617
00:32:53,750 --> 00:32:57,750
No, it...it's too many people.
It's the party! It's too good!
618
00:32:58,550 --> 00:33:02,550
It's drawing people from all round
like a brilliant NHS dentist!
619
00:33:02,910 --> 00:33:04,989
I need to do more chemistry tests.
620
00:33:04,990 --> 00:33:07,909
JP: No! I want this party to last
forever!
621
00:33:07,910 --> 00:33:11,309
Fuck my house!
It's my last remaining asset,
622
00:33:11,310 --> 00:33:14,709
but I want it to come tumbling down
like the Walls of Jericho!
623
00:33:14,710 --> 00:33:16,549
I love you guys!
624
00:33:16,550 --> 00:33:17,949
SIRENS WAIL OUTSIDE
625
00:33:17,950 --> 00:33:19,509
Let's all just fuck!
626
00:33:19,510 --> 00:33:21,069
HELICOPTER WHIRS OUTSIDE
627
00:33:21,070 --> 00:33:23,229
SIRENS CONTINUE
628
00:33:23,230 --> 00:33:27,230
Po-po!
629
00:33:28,230 --> 00:33:30,629
Right, everyone!
630
00:33:30,630 --> 00:33:34,309
I'm not sure
I've ever said this before, but...
631
00:33:34,310 --> 00:33:36,269
..this party's over!
632
00:33:36,270 --> 00:33:37,429
Everyone, out!
633
00:33:37,430 --> 00:33:39,109
SIRENS GROW LOUDER
634
00:33:39,110 --> 00:33:43,110
TRAINS RUMBLE PAST
635
00:33:44,070 --> 00:33:46,749
KINGSLEY: Fuck. So this is it?
636
00:33:46,750 --> 00:33:49,869
HOWARD: Yes. It is over.
637
00:33:49,870 --> 00:33:52,669
I'm going to London
to put Ordnance Survey on the map.
638
00:33:52,670 --> 00:33:53,909
Joke.
639
00:33:53,910 --> 00:33:56,989
And I've found a three-person house
share in Harpenden.
640
00:33:56,990 --> 00:33:58,989
I will befriend them.
641
00:33:58,990 --> 00:34:01,669
Small talk, bang.
642
00:34:01,670 --> 00:34:03,469
Shared meal, bang.
643
00:34:03,470 --> 00:34:06,669
Mutual DVD-watching, bang.
644
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:08,589
They don't stand a chance.
645
00:34:08,590 --> 00:34:11,389
I'll pick them off one by one,
646
00:34:11,390 --> 00:34:14,069
like an amicable sniper.
647
00:34:14,070 --> 00:34:16,589
My dream of writing a novel is
in ashes.
648
00:34:16,590 --> 00:34:18,869
Like in Angela's Ashes.
649
00:34:18,870 --> 00:34:21,829
Maybe. I don't know.
I haven't read it.
650
00:34:21,830 --> 00:34:24,269
Yeah, well, who's Tony Shales?
651
00:34:24,270 --> 00:34:27,229
The only person
who knows how to write a novel?
652
00:34:27,230 --> 00:34:30,469
I mean, is he the only one
who knows where the end goes?
653
00:34:30,470 --> 00:34:32,069
What, you mean...
654
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:36,070
write a novel...without a course?
655
00:34:36,190 --> 00:34:37,389
Shit!
656
00:34:37,390 --> 00:34:39,989
You've got plenty to write about.
657
00:34:39,990 --> 00:34:41,349
I'm gonna write a novel.
658
00:34:41,350 --> 00:34:43,869
Without a course. About what's
happened.
659
00:34:43,870 --> 00:34:46,149
Cos I mean, when you think about it,
660
00:34:46,150 --> 00:34:49,189
I've practically already written
a novel.
661
00:34:49,190 --> 00:34:52,389
All I have to do is just write it
down. Oh, my God. This is gonna be
amazing.
662
00:34:52,390 --> 00:34:54,509
I'm gonna set it in Laos.
663
00:34:54,510 --> 00:34:56,869
OK.
664
00:34:56,870 --> 00:34:58,229
Cos then it'll be interesting!
665
00:34:58,230 --> 00:35:00,549
Have you been?
No.
666
00:35:00,550 --> 00:35:04,550
And that will be what makes it
so interesting.
667
00:35:06,870 --> 00:35:10,469
I don't want it to be over.
668
00:35:10,470 --> 00:35:14,470
Sorry, Jose. I can't hear you?
669
00:35:19,430 --> 00:35:22,429
I think that we should maybe
give this a try.
670
00:35:22,430 --> 00:35:24,149
Why?
671
00:35:24,150 --> 00:35:27,389
Because you like me now?
672
00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:28,789
Mm-hm.
673
00:35:28,790 --> 00:35:32,029
Sorry, what?
674
00:35:32,030 --> 00:35:35,109
I'm not gonna say that I love you,
because I don't fucking love you.
675
00:35:35,110 --> 00:35:36,589
Good. Because...
676
00:35:36,590 --> 00:35:39,949
I don't love you either.
677
00:35:39,950 --> 00:35:43,589
But I am willing to admit that...
678
00:35:43,590 --> 00:35:47,590
..JP is quite...nice.
679
00:35:50,150 --> 00:35:54,150
Drop the "quite" and we have a deal.
680
00:35:55,150 --> 00:35:56,629
Hey, guys?
681
00:35:56,630 --> 00:35:58,949
Jose has got something
she'd like to share with the group.
682
00:35:58,950 --> 00:36:00,109
Have I?
683
00:36:00,110 --> 00:36:02,189
Yes. You do.
684
00:36:02,190 --> 00:36:06,190
Something she wants to shout out
so that all of Manchester can hear.
685
00:36:07,950 --> 00:36:11,309
Fine.
686
00:36:11,310 --> 00:36:13,269
I think...
687
00:36:13,270 --> 00:36:15,589
that JP...
688
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:19,590
..is quite all right, probably.
689
00:36:21,550 --> 00:36:25,550
OTHERS: Ooh!
690
00:36:26,430 --> 00:36:28,029
Hey, can you also shout that...
691
00:36:28,030 --> 00:36:29,509
HE WHISPERS
692
00:36:29,510 --> 00:36:33,349
No! Because that's disgusting.
693
00:36:33,350 --> 00:36:36,869
But I do think that we should give
a long-distance relationship a try.
694
00:36:36,870 --> 00:36:39,429
Cos...they often work out.
Right, guys?
695
00:36:39,430 --> 00:36:41,309
Yeah. Yeah!
696
00:36:41,310 --> 00:36:42,749
Like, these days, yeah.
697
00:36:42,750 --> 00:36:46,629
You know, I think I'm finally
beginning to accept you for who you
really are.
698
00:36:46,630 --> 00:36:48,949
Good.
699
00:36:48,950 --> 00:36:51,069
Because...
700
00:36:51,070 --> 00:36:55,070
..I've decided I'm not a cartoonist.
701
00:36:55,110 --> 00:36:57,589
I'm going to become an estate agent.
702
00:36:57,590 --> 00:36:59,549
And work for Foxtons.
703
00:36:59,550 --> 00:37:03,550
And if I'm really lucky,
get one of those cool Minis.
704
00:37:03,630 --> 00:37:05,109
Good...
705
00:37:05,110 --> 00:37:07,869
Great.
706
00:37:07,870 --> 00:37:09,269
That's interesting.
707
00:37:09,270 --> 00:37:11,389
You told me to follow my dream,
708
00:37:11,390 --> 00:37:13,709
and I am.
Yes.
709
00:37:13,710 --> 00:37:17,229
I mean, I did think that your dream
might be to be an artist,
710
00:37:17,230 --> 00:37:18,509
but... Nope.
711
00:37:18,510 --> 00:37:22,510
Broom-broom, beep-beep, percentage
of the purchase price, please.
712
00:37:23,150 --> 00:37:25,229
What about you, Kings?
713
00:37:25,230 --> 00:37:26,909
Oh, well, my internship's unpaid,
714
00:37:26,910 --> 00:37:30,749
so I'm gonna be living back
with my lovely, inescapable mum.
715
00:37:30,750 --> 00:37:33,749
Don't be silly, Nutsack.
You can come live with me.
716
00:37:33,750 --> 00:37:35,229
Rent-free.
717
00:37:35,230 --> 00:37:37,109
How do you feel about that,
Kingsley?
718
00:37:37,110 --> 00:37:39,229
Living with an estate agent in
Chelsea.
719
00:37:39,230 --> 00:37:43,230
An estate agent who is your
ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend.
720
00:37:45,990 --> 00:37:48,989
The thing is, that is actually
too good an offer to refuse,
721
00:37:48,990 --> 00:37:51,189
so...yes, thank you.
722
00:37:51,190 --> 00:37:52,949
I would love that.
723
00:37:52,950 --> 00:37:54,429
Awesome!
724
00:37:54,430 --> 00:37:57,709
And then when Jose comes down to
stay, it'll be just like old times,
eh?
725
00:37:57,710 --> 00:38:01,710
Yeah.
726
00:38:10,230 --> 00:38:11,549
Listen.
727
00:38:11,550 --> 00:38:13,109
I think I might go.
728
00:38:13,110 --> 00:38:14,149
To Laos.
729
00:38:14,150 --> 00:38:17,509
And, um...I'd love you to come
with me.
730
00:38:17,510 --> 00:38:20,549
Particularly as I don't properly
know where it is.
731
00:38:20,550 --> 00:38:24,029
I could write, and you could teach
English as a foreign language.
732
00:38:24,030 --> 00:38:28,030
Sounds pretty good.
733
00:38:31,470 --> 00:38:35,470
Now that I've run my own festival,
I could also run Burning Man.
734
00:38:36,310 --> 00:38:37,989
Yeah.
735
00:38:37,990 --> 00:38:39,269
VOICES RECEDE
736
00:38:39,270 --> 00:38:43,109
How long's it gonna take you
to get back to Scotland?
737
00:38:43,110 --> 00:38:44,149
Scotland?
738
00:38:44,150 --> 00:38:46,189
I don't live in Scotland.
739
00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:47,629
I live in Manchester.
740
00:38:47,630 --> 00:38:50,469
My, er, mum and dad's house
is two streets away.
741
00:38:50,470 --> 00:38:51,989
What?!
742
00:38:51,990 --> 00:38:53,829
Why did you never say anything?
743
00:38:53,830 --> 00:38:56,669
Because they're excruciatingly
embarrassing.
744
00:38:56,670 --> 00:39:00,509
Are you ready, Howard?
Yes, Dad.
745
00:39:00,510 --> 00:39:03,269
It's lovely to meet you all.
Embarrassing.
746
00:39:03,270 --> 00:39:05,869
Heard so much about you!
Painful.
747
00:39:05,870 --> 00:39:07,269
If you're ever up this way again,
748
00:39:07,270 --> 00:39:10,749
do drop by for some tea and cake.
Idiotic!
749
00:39:10,750 --> 00:39:14,750
Yes. My parents are cliches.
750
00:39:15,790 --> 00:39:18,389
Hey. So, er...
751
00:39:18,390 --> 00:39:19,429
bye.
752
00:39:19,430 --> 00:39:20,749
You gonna be OK?
753
00:39:20,750 --> 00:39:22,909
Yeah. I'll be fine.
754
00:39:22,910 --> 00:39:25,629
I'm gonna ask Sabine
to live with me next year.
755
00:39:25,630 --> 00:39:29,630
Purge myself of all my class
and racial prejudice.
756
00:39:30,670 --> 00:39:31,709
Bye.
757
00:39:31,710 --> 00:39:35,710
OK. Bye.
758
00:39:42,110 --> 00:39:44,549
# We were sleeping in for years
759
00:39:44,550 --> 00:39:48,550
# Letting go of our friends
760
00:39:49,150 --> 00:39:52,189
# Scaring our friends
761
00:39:52,190 --> 00:39:56,190
# We were seeing clearer closing
our eyes
762
00:39:57,350 --> 00:40:01,350
# And our lashes intertwined
763
00:40:02,430 --> 00:40:06,430
# Do I lie in the backseat
764
00:40:07,830 --> 00:40:10,269
# Of your mind?
765
00:40:10,270 --> 00:40:13,269
# Just a second
766
00:40:13,270 --> 00:40:15,469
# And we're gone
767
00:40:15,470 --> 00:40:18,389
# Just an imprint
768
00:40:18,390 --> 00:40:20,829
# When we're done
769
00:40:20,830 --> 00:40:24,830
# Just a second and we're gone
770
00:40:25,910 --> 00:40:29,910
# Just an imprint when we're done
771
00:40:33,030 --> 00:40:37,030
# It should be forever
772
00:40:38,350 --> 00:40:42,350
# God told me
773
00:40:43,710 --> 00:40:47,710
# We're born into the wrong time
774
00:40:48,750 --> 00:40:52,750
# It should be forever
775
00:40:53,910 --> 00:40:57,910
# God told me
776
00:40:59,910 --> 00:41:03,910
# We're born into the wrong time
777
00:41:05,310 --> 00:41:09,310
# It should be forever
778
00:41:09,830 --> 00:41:12,709
♪ God told me... ♪
779
00:41:12,710 --> 00:41:17,349
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