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1
00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:08,259
Good morning, housemates! 26 hours
till finals! Ah, sh...it! Hot!
2
00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:18,599
Er, Kingsley, I...
3
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,359
got your tea.
4
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:22,759
Fuck off!
5
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,439
Vod, I made you a...
6
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,719
Ohh...
7
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:29,720
Get out.
8
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,199
Ooh... Ooh... Ooh...
9
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,679
Oh, my God!
10
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,039
Don't look at me!
11
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,559
Howard?
12
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,959
Yes, I'm masturbating, and, no,
I do not have time to stop!
13
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,399
OK.
14
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,599
Guys, I know it's exam time
and everyone's revising
15
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,199
and you're all under
a lot of stress,
16
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:53,200
but can you please
stop wanking and shouting?!
17
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,039
Oh, you're not wanking!
18
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,479
No.
19
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,759
I'm tired of wanking.
20
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,760
You know, it is said
that when a man is tired of wanking,
21
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,519
he is tired of life.
22
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,079
Yeah, I don't think that is said.
23
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,719
How's the revision going?
24
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,319
I've gone slightly insane.
25
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:42,320
I wrote the word "igneous" thousands
of times on tiny little cards.
26
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,319
OK.
27
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,039
Oh!
28
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,479
New commission?
29
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:51,519
No.
30
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:55,399
I drew that for fun.
31
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,279
Well, if there's anything
I can do to help...
32
00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:01,280
Anything...within certain limits.
33
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:21,360
Housemates! At the beep,
the time until finals will be...
34
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,679
22 hours.
35
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:27,680
Beep!
36
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,039
What if you wake up on the morning
37
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,719
of your finals and your hands have
gone all floppy? Shut up, Josie.
38
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,039
You've got these floppy hands
and they won't hold a pen
39
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,319
and you turn up and you're like,
40
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,839
"Hi, I'm Edward Floppyhands,
I don't think I can do my exam"?
41
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,359
Shut up, Josie. It probably won't,
but it could happen.
42
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:46,360
What if it has happened? I might
google it. Don't you google it.
43
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,639
Howard, I've made you
a salmon and kelp smoothie.
44
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,319
It's got eight Pro Plus in it.
45
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,559
Slaty cleavage, gneiss,
gastroliths, escarpments...
46
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:54,079
I'll just pop it down.
Not...
47
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,919
on the table.
48
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,039
Josie, this is an external
partition of my mind.
49
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:05,040
Would you put an uncoastered drink
onto my mind?
50
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:10,640
Hey, Vod, I need another book of
tickets for Vod's World Of Carnage.
51
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,439
Vod and Kingsley's World
Of Cheese And Carnage, thank you.
52
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,919
It's the Lake Of Fire.
You say those three little words
53
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,839
and everyone's, like,
"Oh, Josie, please take my money!
54
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,479
"Anything for the Lake Of Fire!"
55
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,879
Well, it is an amazing concept,
to be totally fair to myself.
56
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,719
I didn't sign off on a Lake Of Fire.
Kingo,
57
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:29,439
I have told you - head of
logistics, head of vision.
58
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,199
You know, I come up
with the concepts,
59
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,999
you come up with the...plastic cups.
60
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,479
I'm sorting the plastic cups?!
61
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,319
That is...
62
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,159
beyond the fucking pale.
63
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,719
Well, I've only gone and done it.
64
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,959
I've fucked it off
and hired a barge.
65
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,239
I need to just
get away from it all -
66
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:50,240
no internet, no...
67
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,199
..distractions.
68
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,119
How have you afforded that?
You're broke.
69
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,719
Oh, I cracked into my 5K buffer.
70
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:58,999
So...
71
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,279
Howard...
72
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,839
what do you say to me, you
and your lovely, lovely brain table
73
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,840
taking a serene study cruise down
the historic Barton Aqueduct?
74
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,719
Oh, let me guess,
all aboard the banter barge?
75
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,479
Nope. No bants.
76
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,119
Tough on bants.
77
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:19,120
Tough on the causes of bants.
Total bants clamp-down.
78
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,559
Just pure, hard-core study.
79
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,119
JP, suffice it to say,
80
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:27,120
I will not be joining you
on your ship of fools.
81
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,039
Seven.
82
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:36,879
I'm seven days clean.
83
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,719
Seven days since I shagged JP.
84
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,959
I'm proud of you, mate.
85
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,919
A week sober.
86
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,399
Yeah.
87
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,399
It's like...
I'm not sure I'll ever be in a place
88
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,919
where I can say I'll never
shag JP again, but...
89
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,159
by God, I'm gonna try!
90
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,519
Here's something to take your mind
off JP's knob.
91
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:02,520
More tickets.
92
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:07,120
SHE EXHALES
93
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,319
VOD SNIFFS DEEPLY
94
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,439
You've had a man in here!
95
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,439
No!
No?
96
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:24,159
Hmm.
97
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,199
So...what is this?!
98
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:30,200
The world's straightest pube?
99
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,439
I'm seeing...
100
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,159
a private tutor. I...
101
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,959
am having private tuition
before my finals.
102
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,479
Oh.
103
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,639
So...who's paying for that,
then? Merkel?
104
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,999
Please don't call my dad that.
It's all right for some, innit?
105
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,319
Look, I'm behind.
What with my failed presidency,
106
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,839
and my scholarship,
107
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,479
I have a lot of catching up to do
108
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:56,480
and they can be very
insistent, Geoff and Lynda,
109
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,680
which is incredibly helpful, because
it reminds me what's at stake,
110
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:05,439
but also sometimes a teeny bit
fucking much,
111
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,399
if you know what I mean.
112
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,400
Anyway, er, post come, this from...
113
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,279
..TV Licence and...
114
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,119
this.
115
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,599
Got a US postmark, so I thought...
116
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,679
My Fulbright application.
117
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,559
What if they found out about the
impeachment and they're rejecting me
118
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:27,599
and then I have a meltdown
119
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,679
and I shave off all my
eyebrows and I can't revise?
120
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,079
You don't wanna go under exam
conditions without eyebrows.
121
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,759
Believe.
You take it.
122
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,759
I'll open it...afterwards.
123
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,760
JOSIE: Oh, come on, open it!
124
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,519
Hi, Oregon.
125
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:54,520
I just wanted to know if you got it!
126
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,159
I definitely said "mamma mia",
cos I say it all the time.
127
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:01,359
"Mamma mia,
I've got a lot of revision to do."
128
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:02,959
"Mamma mia, it's my finals tomorrow
129
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,919
"and my girlfriend
won't fucking kiss me."
130
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,920
Look, I think we both know
it's gone a bit weird lately.
131
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:12,399
Are you breaking up with me?
132
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,119
No. Cos if you are, I'd rather you
just did it, because I cannot
133
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,959
have the sword of rejection hanging
over me for my whole finals.
134
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,639
Let's just be adults, Rosa.
135
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,679
If it's over,
then just say it's over.
136
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,719
Kingsley, it's over.
137
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,239
What the fuck?!
138
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,959
You're breaking up with me
the day before my finals?!
139
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,719
Look at this!
With the colours, look!
140
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,039
Blue, accretion.
141
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,239
Red, lithology.
142
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,559
Yellow, turbidity.
143
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,560
Do you see any colours on here
that signify emotional turmoil?!
144
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,399
No. No, because
I don't have time for it!
145
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,719
Great, now I've got a migraine.
146
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,319
I'm sorry, Kingsley...
Well, you've ruined my life.
147
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,079
So thanks for that.
148
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,079
So, go on.
149
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,559
Fuck off.
150
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,879
Don't you want to talk about it?
151
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,679
I don't ever want to talk to you
ever again, you evil fucking woman!
152
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,639
I love you. Please stay with me
until after my finals.
153
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,399
Good luck with your exams.
154
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,199
Ciao.
155
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:08,200
Don't say ciao,
you fucking Swiss phoney!
156
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:16,040
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
157
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:21,160
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
158
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,279
HE SIGHS
159
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:30,280
DISTANT ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
160
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,319
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
161
00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:37,359
WHIRRING STOPS
162
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,360
All right?
163
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:45,640
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
164
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,719
JP!
165
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,119
With regret, it has become
necessary for me
166
00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:00,159
to beg safe passage
aboard the revision barge.
167
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:04,160
Very well, I will add you
to the manifest right now.
168
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,599
All aboard the anti-banty boat!
169
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:10,600
GENTLE PASTORAL MUSIC
170
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,799
18 hours left.
No pressure, guys!
171
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,800
Right, so that's 300 vigorous
squat thrusts in the bank.
172
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,559
Parcel came for you.
173
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:35,560
Oh, great! That's just what I need,
a fucking parcel to open!
174
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,239
Ooh, where are we on Lake Of Fire?
175
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,679
Oh, Vod, do I look like I've got
time to organise a Lake Of Fire
176
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,399
when I'm sat around
opening packages all day?
177
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,159
Oh, looks like Kingsley's found
ten minutes to open a parcel.
178
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,159
Meanwhile, Violet Nordstrom
is chatterboxing away
179
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,959
like she doesn't have finals
in the morning.
180
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:57,960
Oh, look at this shit. Oh, biscuits,
energy drinks, Mini Eggs...
181
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:03,360
Like, as if I've got time to sit
around eating fucking Mini Eggs!
182
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,599
Aww, your mum sent you
a care package!
183
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,999
That is so cute!
These Mini Eggs are saying,
184
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,999
"Hurry up and finish your exams
so you can move back home with me."
185
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,159
They are tainted
and they are aggressive.
186
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,759
Kingsley, do you know
what my mum sends me?
187
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,359
Summonses.
188
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:19,839
She gives them my address.
189
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,399
Affray, council tax,
190
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,479
driving while eating a bagel,
all that shit.
191
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,359
At least you're not
being sent sub-textual,
192
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,679
passive-aggressive
fucking chocolates!
193
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:33,680
Are you OK, Kingsley?
194
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,679
Yeah... Rosa broke up with me.
Oh.
195
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,719
What for?
Oh, that's not the point.
196
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,239
I thought you didn't like her
very much anyway?
197
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,119
That's also not the point.
198
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,079
She was my way out, she was my...
199
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,080
..safe haven for next year,
my...my Swiss mountain retreat.
200
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,319
Is this about your libido?
Hmm?
201
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,079
Nothing.
What did you say?
202
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,279
What?
203
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,239
I said...
204
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:07,240
is it about your libido?
Because you've got such a...
205
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,839
high libido.
206
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,319
Why would she break up with me
because I've got a high libido?
207
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,199
Because...
208
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,079
it's...
209
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,319
..exhausting
210
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,320
and quite unhealthy, actually,
to be shagged so well and so often.
211
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,519
Josie, have I got a low libido?
212
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,520
No.
213
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,239
Relatively low.
214
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:35,599
Great, so I've got no girlfriend
and a relatively low libido.
215
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,039
Right, I'm gonna go and see
216
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:41,040
if I can find a way to set fire
to Worthington fucking Lake!
217
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,079
Which reminds me...
218
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,799
Your ticket money.
Thanking you.
219
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,999
And there's plenty more where that
came from. I have got mug punters
220
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,879
from here to Chorley,
lining up to have a date
221
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,880
with some really hot fucking water.
222
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:58,919
I'm not happy with this mooring,
223
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,119
because I don't like its vibe.
There's too many geese.
224
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,999
They are sketching me out,
we must leave.
225
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,559
The mooring is fine!
226
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:08,199
The mooring is not fine!
The mooring is untenable!
227
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,279
The mooring is perfectly tenable!
I'm not happy with the mooring,
228
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,199
so we are leaving
and finding a new mooring
229
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,079
because I cannot
revise at this mooring!
230
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,799
Oh, brilliant, so we're gonna get
trapped in the lock cycle again.
231
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:19,139
Yeah, let's just write off
another 45 minutes
232
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:21,339
in the endless,
"Gate closing, gate opening,"
233
00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:24,099
oh, a friendly wave to the guy
with the fucking Scottie dog!
234
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,819
Howard, need I remind you that
I am captain of the Bluebell?!
235
00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:28,099
We are finding a new mooring,
236
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:30,539
so hoist the mizzen and splice
the fucking mainbrace!
237
00:12:30,540 --> 00:12:34,259
There is no mizzen, there is no
mainbrace, there are no sails.
238
00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:38,260
This is a fucking barge!
239
00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:40,699
DOOR RATTLES
240
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:43,219
EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT:
Having trouble with the door?
241
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:49,100
Aaaargh!
242
00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:55,579
OK, so I've just spoken to some
guy in fucking Utah about setting
243
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,759
a lake on fire, cos that's the
sort of thing you do the day before
244
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,639
your finals, and he says we can get
a giant submersible butane manifold.
245
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,319
Mm! Obviously we'll need to clear
the lake first.
246
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,439
Ducks, geese, mallards.
247
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,399
Hmm. No-one wants a goose inferno.
248
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,279
The best way to scare ducks,
apparently,
249
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,919
cos I really have time to research
this now during my revision,
250
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,920
is to hire some hawks from
a local falconry centre.
251
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,919
So apparently for a lake
the size of Worthington
252
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,719
we need about six with
handlers and a kestrel.
253
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,039
How much is that then?
254
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:27,119
It's 12 grand for the burner,
1,500 for a 60-litre
255
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,999
industrial butane canister,
plus 600 quid each
256
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,439
for a couple of qualified frogmen
who plumb it all in.
257
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,999
Er, so with the hawks,
the manifold, the diffuser
258
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:39,000
and petrol for the frogmen,
it's?18,000.
259
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,439
That gives us four minutes of
solid, safe, controlled flame.
260
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:44,599
Right.
261
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,600
18 grand...
262
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:00,839
Unless...
263
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,839
I mean, obviously you
can't put a price on safety.
264
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,479
But, you also sort of can.
265
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,759
I mean, on one hand there is
the wellbeing of the punters,
266
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:14,679
and then on the other hand,
well, there's profit.
267
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:18,239
And can you see how there's a little
bit of a balancing act there?
268
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:21,599
Is it a balancing act that's
on a tightrope that's on fire?
269
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,959
Kingo, we've got to
look after our futures.
270
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,759
We don't want to be moving
back in with Mum.
271
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,760
Bringing a nice girl home. You
know, getting all horny on the sofa
272
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:36,200
and then boom, massive
bra on the radiator.
273
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,119
OK, if I'm going to have any
sort of future in radio
274
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,639
I need this event on my CV.
275
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:43,639
What I don't need is a burned,
dead student on my conscience.
276
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,319
All right.
277
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,959
Do it properly.
278
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,960
Yeah? OK, thank you. Right.
279
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,519
Ah!
280
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,999
Yes, this is a fine mooring.
281
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,999
Everything will be fine
at this mooring.
282
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,719
Um, I thought we could...er,
283
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,639
maybe play a game.
284
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,679
Suppose you were throwing a dinner
party and you're only allowed
285
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,680
to invite four aspects of drilling
gas wells that a geologist must
286
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,720
consider once an exploratory well
has uncovered a shale formation.
287
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,039
What four aspects would you invite?
288
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,079
You know, it's just fun
to think about, isn't it?
289
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:43,080
Mm. You mean like trying to extract
information from my brain?
290
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,079
You cannot frack me, JP.
291
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,359
I am unfrackable.
292
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,039
Fine.
293
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,040
Suit yourself.
294
00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:01,080
DRILL
295
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,119
You?
296
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,799
Yes, Howard. I Bosched you.
297
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,039
DRILL
Bosch.
298
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:16,040
And I will Bosch you again
until you give me the knowledge.
299
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,720
You absolute copper-bottomed fucker!
300
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,519
Study now, bitch.
301
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,079
DRILL
302
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,679
Howard,
303
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,999
what are the four aspects
of drilling a gas well that
304
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,000
a geologist must consider when he or
she has uncovered a shale formation?
305
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,279
Tell me, Howard!
306
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,479
Give me the knowledge, Howard!
307
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,239
I want your knowledge!
308
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,119
I can't be fracked.
I will not be fracked...
309
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,679
I'm warning you,
I'll scuttle the fleet!
310
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,159
I'll drill a hole in the floor
and sink us all!
311
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,879
Don't make me scuttle
The Bluebell, Howard!
312
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,359
I'll do it! I will not be fracked!
313
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,279
You cannot frack me, JP.
I cannot be fracked!
314
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,879
I will not be fracked!
315
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,880
Batten down the crockery!
Untenable mooring.
316
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:07,920
SHE WHISTLES
317
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:32,760
Hey. It's Oregon.
She's been rejected.
318
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,159
Hmm? The Fulbright.
319
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,639
You opened it?!
320
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,279
Look, maybe it's a good thing,
you know, take the pressure off.
321
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,919
OK, my friend,
he found out his dad had cancer
322
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,799
on the morning of his driving
test. Boom, passed first time!
323
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,519
No! No way.
324
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,079
No, no, no. We can't tell
her until after the exams.
325
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,959
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right.
326
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,799
But I really want to be there
when we tell her, yeah?
327
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:03,800
You know, for support, and...shit.
328
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:08,680
KNOCK ON DOOR
329
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,759
Easy, Mole. How's things?
330
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,519
Right, I'm getting
crewed up for the event. All right.
331
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,799
I just thought I'd drop round
332
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,839
and make sure you're not
going to flake out on me.
333
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,799
Mole. Fuck's sake. Do I look
like I'm going to flake out?
334
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,759
Hmm, hang on a minute.
335
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,119
Do I look like
I'm going to flake out?
336
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,199
It's just with the cost up front.
337
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,759
And you know, I don't know you
from a tin of beans.
338
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,559
OK. Listen.
339
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,679
You're not dealing with some
dewy-eyed virgin
340
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,439
who's just rolled off the Megabus
from Cat-Piss-on-Tweed. OK?
341
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,559
I am making so much honk I'm
running out of places to hide it.
342
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,279
We're talking 60, 70 grand.
343
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,079
Right, so if I were you, I would
get in touch with your wholesaler.
344
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:58,319
You know, whoever your like,
Costco of cocaine is.
345
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,279
You know, I would order
eight saucepans
346
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:03,119
of his finest Chuck Norris.
347
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,079
All right.
348
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,839
Good to know, that.
349
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:10,840
Laters, new potatoes. Ta-ra.
350
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,839
Well, I've only gone and done it.
351
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,759
I have fucked it off
and rented a cottage.
352
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,759
You see, I figured what we needed
was somewhere that had the ambience
353
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,279
and low ceilings of a barge,
but on land.
354
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,879
A sort of land barge,
or house, if you will.
355
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,079
The problem is not the barge, JP.
356
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:39,479
The problem is your mind.
357
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,279
But it's got a scullery, Howard.
358
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,280
Think of all the facts
we'll learn in a scullery.
359
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,759
Howie...
360
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,519
..can I talk to you about something?
361
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:57,520
It's just that...there's
this thing that's confusing me
362
00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,519
and I don't know who to turn to.
363
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:01,999
JP,
364
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,399
are you confiding in me?
365
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,479
I mean, I'm going to end
up doing a job I don't want,
366
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,279
but meanwhile there
IS something that I DO want.
367
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:14,280
But what if the thing that
I want doesn't want me?
368
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:19,480
It's a confusing thing.
The thing is confusing.
369
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:22,679
Not to stop you in your stride JP,
but if you continue like this
370
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,919
I may have to go outside
and hold my breath
371
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,159
until my body turns limp and then
just let it slide into the water.
372
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,879
OK. Forget it. Thank you.
That's the preferred option.
373
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,119
You've got it licked,
haven't you, mate?
374
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,199
An amazing job all lined up.
375
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,279
No pressure, no expectations.
376
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,919
The unbridled joy of the blank page
377
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,719
stretching out eternally
in front of you.
378
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,039
No structure, no timetable.
379
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,359
I'm not a blank page.
380
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:51,599
A lined page maybe.
381
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:55,519
God I envy your freedom, Howard.
382
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,359
Come on, mate.
383
00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:01,360
Abandon barge.
384
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,439
Hey, Jose. Do you think
we could have a quick chat?
385
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:12,440
I've just ejaculated. That's
three times today. Yeah, three.
386
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,319
I've looked that up and
apparently it's relatively high.
387
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,439
Um, Kingsley,
388
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:19,519
do you think that you should
focus on studying, as opposed to,
389
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:23,159
say, looking up wanking statistics
and eating Mini Eggs?
390
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,159
Hmm, I don't have time
for that sort of mumbo jumbo,
391
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,559
what I need to know is
if either of you two would like
392
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,199
to be my girlfriend
until after my exams?
393
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,959
Josie? Mmm?
394
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,679
Er, I don't think so.
395
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,999
Vod? Sorry, Kingo.
396
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,839
Fine. Don't blame you.
You're just having a freak out.
397
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,479
Oh! Palms are tingling.
That's a new one.
398
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,159
Back for another vigorous session.
Onwards and downwards.
399
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,439
DOORBELL
Mm, someone's at the door.
400
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,239
BANGING ON DOOR
401
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,119
Ah, it might be for me.
I ordered some ADHD meds.
402
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,199
Apparently they make
all your leg hairs fall out
403
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,159
but you can revise for hours.
404
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,879
Two large shaven-headed males.
405
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,399
Maybe they work for the paramilitary
wing of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
406
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,719
Open the door!
HEAVY BANGING
407
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,999
Drop everything, get in the cellar.
408
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,999
BANGING CONTINUES
409
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,319
Move!
410
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,679
BANGING CONTINUES
411
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:20,399
Fuck! Fuck!
412
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,759
It's the fucking TV licence people!
Shit!
413
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,479
I thought we paid?!
414
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,119
We haven't paid!
Fuck, we're going to fucking prison!
415
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,679
Can I just say, for the record,
I hardly watch it.
416
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,239
Oh, so you don't watch
the Great British Sewing Bee? Twice!
417
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,239
Twice I watched it
and it was fucking shit!
418
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,159
Guys. I'm trying to study.
419
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,919
What the fuck are you
doing down here? Revising.
420
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,719
I think the real question is, what
the fuck are you doing down here?
421
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,720
Can we just keep our voices down?
Vod? Are you in there, mate?
422
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:48,719
How do they know your name?!
423
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,879
They know everything. Quickly,
delete iPlayer from your phones.
424
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,399
Oh, Jesus. I'm going to
prison for watching New Tricks.
425
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,199
Guys, I don't think the TV licence
people kick your front door in.
426
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,519
Don't you see? They've gone rogue.
427
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,839
For the record, that isn't
a television in my bedroom.
428
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,439
It's a TV monitor
for playing video games.
429
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,039
What is going on? I don't know.
430
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,519
Maybe it's the guy come to
pick up the big Next catalogue.
431
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,719
They already came and picked up
the Next catalogue!
432
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,479
OK, we're not going anywhere
until we get our 60 grand.
433
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,079
We'll start looking, eh?
434
00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,679
THUD
Oh, my God!
435
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,079
You'd better fucking tell us
where it is
436
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,399
before we rip this place apart!
437
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:28,319
Um, guys. I think
I might know what this is.
438
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:31,799
Promise not to shout?
439
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,599
Um, well, might of,
440
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,600
by accident, told the drug dealer
who's doing security and drugs
441
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,760
for my event, that I've
got 60 grand cash in the house.
442
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,999
What the fuck, Vod? So that's Mole?
That's fucking Mole up there?!
443
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,879
That fucking bald psycho with the
deceptively adorable nickname?
444
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,679
Yes. You got involved with
the Manchester drug lords?
445
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:57,479
The lords of the drug lords?
446
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:00,559
Drug dealers?
Vod, have you seen The Wire?
447
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,879
Because I haven't,
but I can fucking imagine.
448
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,679
I'm starting to feel a mite jittery,
449
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,680
so I'm just going to lie flat
on the cold, hard ground.
450
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,079
Yeah.
451
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,599
Look, it's just one of those
things that happens, isn't it?
452
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,519
No, Vod. It isn't.
453
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,759
Washing your jeans with
a tissue in the pocket,
454
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:22,039
or accidentally ordering a large
jar of olives from the Ocado shop.
455
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:25,879
But getting raided by dealers the
night before your fucking finals?
456
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,119
I'm calling the rozzers,
457
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,799
getting them to wazz round here
and rozz up all the crimos.
458
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,799
Er, actually I'd prefer it
if you didn't, mate.
459
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,639
He is a dealer and I am kind of
up to my nips in this, so...
460
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,199
Am I up to my nips as well?
461
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,479
Am I nipple-deep by association?
462
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,879
There's no signal.
463
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,599
OK, Vod. You are going up there
and you are giving them the money.
464
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,679
Actually, I can't. It is 60 grand.
465
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,239
Look, I know it's a wrench.
466
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,079
I remember when I had to take
out 75K from my trusties
467
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,519
as an endowment on this place.
468
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,039
I nearly had a fucking nosebleed
in Bradford and Bingley.
469
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:59,359
What about the grad ball, huh?
470
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:03,079
No cash means no Lake of Fire.
471
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:07,080
All those disappointed punters.
I mean... Where the fuck is it?
472
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,159
We give them a bit of it.
473
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,879
Yeah, I'm going to be honest
with you, Jose. I don't think Mole's
474
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,639
the kind of gentleman
that'll come here,
475
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,959
help himself to a grand
and leave without the other 59.
476
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:20,079
We can't stay here! We've got
our finals in the morning!
477
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:22,159
It'll only be a couple of hours.
478
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:23,199
In my experience,
479
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,719
nine times out of ten
these things just blow over.
480
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,479
THUD
Vod, listen, girl! I'm not
fucking around!
481
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,479
Right, that's from the Office of
National Statistics, is it?
482
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,599
Mole, mate!
Are you a fan of Expressionism?
483
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,639
Because in my dresser, second
drawer down, you will find a sketch
484
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:41,640
by a certain Lucian Freud.
485
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,999
Mole? Tell you what,
if we make it out of this alive...
486
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:46,399
If?!
487
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:48,559
I said when.
488
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,039
Hundred quid each?
489
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:52,239
Oh, great. That'll make
up for the loss of earnings
490
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,679
when we all fail our finals.
491
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,799
I can use it to buy a big velvet
dunce cap. Vod, give them the money.
492
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,239
Yeah, Vod, stop fucking around.
493
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,239
Will everyone just shut the fuck
up about it for a minute, OK?
494
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,399
I am not giving them my money.
495
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,559
You know, he's probably up there
stealing all our stuff.
496
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,799
He's probably going to take
my fucking 12-string.
497
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:17,200
Right, we're not leaving
till we've found it!
498
00:26:29,590 --> 00:26:31,629
He's watching TV.
499
00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:32,949
What's he watching?
500
00:26:32,950 --> 00:26:34,709
Something mellow?
501
00:26:34,710 --> 00:26:36,269
What time's Mr Selfridge on?
502
00:26:36,270 --> 00:26:38,189
Maybe we could
encourage him to watch that.
503
00:26:38,190 --> 00:26:41,509
Vod, if you don't give him his money
soon, I am going to fail my finals.
504
00:26:41,510 --> 00:26:43,749
Well, I've eaten a whole
bag of dried cranberries
505
00:26:43,750 --> 00:26:45,349
and I'm going to need to...
506
00:26:45,350 --> 00:26:46,909
shit them out pretty soon.
507
00:26:46,910 --> 00:26:49,229
Come on. It's exciting.
508
00:26:49,230 --> 00:26:51,989
It's like that film with
Ben Stiller and the dinosaur.
509
00:26:51,990 --> 00:26:55,069
No, Vod, It's nothing like
Night at the fucking Museum.
510
00:26:55,070 --> 00:26:56,829
It's like Night at the Museum.
511
00:26:56,830 --> 00:26:59,109
Ah, remember this?
512
00:26:59,110 --> 00:27:00,629
Hello, old friend!
513
00:27:00,630 --> 00:27:03,269
God, that really puts the last
three years into perspective.
514
00:27:03,270 --> 00:27:05,109
Back then, he was just
a light entertainer
515
00:27:05,110 --> 00:27:08,189
and now, he's a genuinely
heavyweight polemicist.
516
00:27:08,190 --> 00:27:11,549
Like, relative to what?
517
00:27:11,550 --> 00:27:12,989
My libido.
518
00:27:12,990 --> 00:27:15,149
SHE SIGHS
Seriously, Kingsley.
519
00:27:15,150 --> 00:27:16,549
I'm just asking.
520
00:27:16,550 --> 00:27:18,069
Relative to what?
521
00:27:18,070 --> 00:27:20,989
A chimp scraping his
dick against a mango tree?
522
00:27:20,990 --> 00:27:22,949
I don't know. Relative to...
523
00:27:22,950 --> 00:27:24,909
normal. So, it's subnormal?
524
00:27:24,910 --> 00:27:27,509
Can I claim benefits? Can I
get a special badge for my car?
525
00:27:27,510 --> 00:27:28,829
My libido's disabled.
526
00:27:28,830 --> 00:27:30,389
Your libido is not disabled.
527
00:27:30,390 --> 00:27:33,109
Can you just be my girlfriend for
the next nine and a half hours?
528
00:27:33,110 --> 00:27:34,909
"Pity the poor eunuch."
529
00:27:34,910 --> 00:27:38,309
Kingsley, I'm not going to be
your inflatable ripcord girlfriend.
530
00:27:38,310 --> 00:27:41,789
"In case of emergency,
insert penis here."
531
00:27:41,790 --> 00:27:43,469
Mole, mate, me again!
532
00:27:43,470 --> 00:27:46,749
If you give me your
sort code, account number
533
00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,549
and a copy of your passport,
534
00:27:48,550 --> 00:27:50,629
I will gladly transfer over to you
535
00:27:50,630 --> 00:27:53,589
a sizeable portion
of my premium bonds.
536
00:27:53,590 --> 00:27:55,629
Right, Vod, give them
the money, I need a poo.
537
00:27:55,630 --> 00:27:57,549
Howard, have you got a bucket?
538
00:27:57,550 --> 00:27:59,069
Of course I've got a bucket.
539
00:27:59,070 --> 00:28:02,629
I can't vouch for
its provenance though.
540
00:28:02,630 --> 00:28:04,069
I'm not shitting in a bucket!
541
00:28:04,070 --> 00:28:05,509
"Advanced Physics?!"
542
00:28:05,510 --> 00:28:09,510
Oh, yeah. It's funny you
mention that, actually,
543
00:28:09,710 --> 00:28:12,629
because I am dropping
out of my geology degree
544
00:28:12,630 --> 00:28:15,349
and applying to study physics,
commencing September!
545
00:28:15,350 --> 00:28:17,949
Howard, are you doing it again?
546
00:28:17,950 --> 00:28:20,509
Absolutely not,
that's a ludicrous slur!
547
00:28:20,510 --> 00:28:22,349
I'm just saying that,
every three years,
548
00:28:22,350 --> 00:28:25,149
you do tend to go a bit Coco Pops
the night before your finals.
549
00:28:25,150 --> 00:28:28,789
Thank you for your
psychoanalysis, Miss Carl Jung!
550
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:31,109
Do you have the fear?
551
00:28:31,110 --> 00:28:32,469
The fear of what?
552
00:28:32,470 --> 00:28:35,789
Moving to London and having your
pants pulled down in Regent's Park.
553
00:28:35,790 --> 00:28:36,949
That's ridiculous!
554
00:28:36,950 --> 00:28:38,789
Howard, you can't drop out now.
555
00:28:38,790 --> 00:28:40,789
You're being a dick. Right, you lot?
556
00:28:40,790 --> 00:28:42,069
Right.
557
00:28:42,070 --> 00:28:44,469
I don't know.
558
00:28:44,470 --> 00:28:47,109
Do you know, I'm just saying that...
559
00:28:47,110 --> 00:28:49,469
three more years at Medlock
560
00:28:49,470 --> 00:28:50,749
does have a ring to it.
561
00:28:50,750 --> 00:28:52,549
God, you're just
trying to clip his wings
562
00:28:52,550 --> 00:28:54,549
cos you're scared of
getting left on your own.
563
00:28:54,550 --> 00:28:56,109
Oh, that is low, Kingsley.
564
00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:57,709
That is relatively low.
565
00:28:57,710 --> 00:28:59,149
Oh, fuck off, Josie.
566
00:28:59,150 --> 00:29:00,309
Hey, mate.
567
00:29:00,310 --> 00:29:01,589
Easy on Jose, OK?
568
00:29:01,590 --> 00:29:04,749
What's it matter to you?
569
00:29:04,750 --> 00:29:08,750
Nothing.
570
00:29:10,590 --> 00:29:13,269
Oh, my god, you're fucking.
571
00:29:13,270 --> 00:29:15,029
Look, Kingo, don't freak out.
572
00:29:15,030 --> 00:29:16,509
Don't freak out?!
573
00:29:16,510 --> 00:29:18,269
Oh, yeah. OK, fine -
574
00:29:18,270 --> 00:29:22,270
because whenever anyone says
that, it's ALWAYS good news(!)
575
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:24,749
We were just shagging, that's all.
576
00:29:24,750 --> 00:29:27,149
"That's all?!" Well, that is all!
577
00:29:27,150 --> 00:29:28,389
That is all there is!
578
00:29:28,390 --> 00:29:29,869
I wouldn't even call it shagging.
579
00:29:29,870 --> 00:29:31,029
It was more like...
580
00:29:31,030 --> 00:29:32,749
bonking. Yeah, bonking!
581
00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:34,349
You can't go mad about bonking.
582
00:29:34,350 --> 00:29:35,869
It's fun, it's smutty,
583
00:29:35,870 --> 00:29:37,829
it's Sid James and Babs Windsor!
584
00:29:37,830 --> 00:29:41,069
So THAT'S why you were entering his
bedroom at 3.20 every morning. Ah!
585
00:29:41,070 --> 00:29:44,509
Howard. Amazing! Even Howard knew!
586
00:29:44,510 --> 00:29:47,589
I mean, he doesn't understand it
but he's got the raw fucking data!
587
00:29:47,590 --> 00:29:49,349
Did everyone know?
588
00:29:49,350 --> 00:29:50,589
Sorry, mate.
589
00:29:50,590 --> 00:29:54,149
Jose told us right before she
cold-cocked me in the truth tent.
590
00:29:54,150 --> 00:29:57,109
Also, I feel like I knew before
I knew, if you know what I mean?
591
00:29:57,110 --> 00:29:59,709
Like, I kind of tend to assume
that she's either riding you
592
00:29:59,710 --> 00:30:01,429
or you at any given moment.
593
00:30:01,430 --> 00:30:05,389
Does anyone else want to emotionally
violate me the day before my finals?
594
00:30:05,390 --> 00:30:06,789
I mean, really!
595
00:30:06,790 --> 00:30:10,790
Does anyone else want to
take a shit in my mouth?
596
00:30:13,550 --> 00:30:17,149
Now, why can't I see my hands?
597
00:30:17,150 --> 00:30:19,109
My palms are swirly. I can't...
598
00:30:19,110 --> 00:30:22,469
I can't see my hands.
599
00:30:22,470 --> 00:30:24,269
I'm fucking blind.
600
00:30:24,270 --> 00:30:26,269
Just don't be a drama queen.
601
00:30:26,270 --> 00:30:29,869
That, Kingsley, is an ocular
migraine brought on by stress.
602
00:30:29,870 --> 00:30:33,549
I had one when they
switched off Teletext.
603
00:30:33,550 --> 00:30:34,869
Well...
604
00:30:34,870 --> 00:30:36,349
So, I'm blind!
605
00:30:36,350 --> 00:30:38,549
Thank you, Josie. Thank
you for making me go blind!
606
00:30:38,550 --> 00:30:41,309
What about JP? He gets half
the blame! He gets one eye!
607
00:30:41,310 --> 00:30:44,029
Aw, ow! Tummy cramps!
608
00:30:44,030 --> 00:30:46,989
Ah, great, so that's my stool
cycle interrupted before my exams.
609
00:30:46,990 --> 00:30:49,309
Cheers, Vod!
Kingsley, It was nothing.
610
00:30:49,310 --> 00:30:51,269
It was a one-off.
611
00:30:51,270 --> 00:30:52,989
Well, a series of one-offs.
612
00:30:52,990 --> 00:30:54,229
That have come to an end.
613
00:30:54,230 --> 00:30:55,349
Very recently.
614
00:30:55,350 --> 00:30:56,909
Very finally.
615
00:30:56,910 --> 00:30:58,029
I mean...
616
00:30:58,030 --> 00:30:59,469
seven days clean.
617
00:30:59,470 --> 00:31:00,589
You know, it's funny,
618
00:31:00,590 --> 00:31:03,189
I don't remember you moaning
that much when we were doing it.
619
00:31:03,190 --> 00:31:05,269
Oh, sorry, my mistake - yes, I do.
620
00:31:05,270 --> 00:31:07,349
HE MOANS
621
00:31:07,350 --> 00:31:10,029
Shut up, JP. Yeah, shut up!
622
00:31:10,030 --> 00:31:12,549
Because that's just the way
you like me, isn't it, Jose?
623
00:31:12,550 --> 00:31:15,669
Silent, compliant JP!
624
00:31:15,670 --> 00:31:18,389
The big, disgusting dildo.
625
00:31:18,390 --> 00:31:20,229
Well, how's that?
626
00:31:20,230 --> 00:31:22,069
MUFFLED: Is that
better for you? Huh?
627
00:31:22,070 --> 00:31:24,389
Now if he's making this
about him, it's not about him.
628
00:31:24,390 --> 00:31:25,829
It's not about you, JP!
629
00:31:25,830 --> 00:31:28,029
You know what? I like you.
630
00:31:28,030 --> 00:31:30,509
There, I like you, deal with that...
631
00:31:30,510 --> 00:31:32,309
No, you fucking don't.
632
00:31:32,310 --> 00:31:34,949
..but it doesn't matter...
633
00:31:34,950 --> 00:31:37,549
because Tomothy has
got me a job in London
634
00:31:37,550 --> 00:31:38,949
and I'm going to move there,
635
00:31:38,950 --> 00:31:41,749
so you're never going
to have to see me again.
636
00:31:41,750 --> 00:31:43,909
You're going to work for Tomothy?
637
00:31:43,910 --> 00:31:46,709
Yes, he's offered me
a badly-paid position
638
00:31:46,710 --> 00:31:48,389
doing something that I will hate
639
00:31:48,390 --> 00:31:50,909
and I have accepted. I knew it.
640
00:31:50,910 --> 00:31:52,909
I knew you were going to
end up like one of them.
641
00:31:52,910 --> 00:31:55,509
I mean, you held out for,
like, 20 minutes but I knew it.
642
00:31:55,510 --> 00:31:57,309
They're going to ride me, Josie.
643
00:31:57,310 --> 00:31:58,989
Do you understand?
644
00:31:58,990 --> 00:32:01,229
They're going to ride me
round and round that office
645
00:32:01,230 --> 00:32:03,069
like one of those
novelty mini motorbikes.
646
00:32:03,070 --> 00:32:04,789
Then why are you doing it?!
647
00:32:04,790 --> 00:32:06,909
Because...
648
00:32:06,910 --> 00:32:08,589
What other choice do I have?
649
00:32:08,590 --> 00:32:10,069
Oh, my god!
650
00:32:10,070 --> 00:32:11,989
You want to play the pity game?
651
00:32:11,990 --> 00:32:13,789
Yeah? Where's my hand?
652
00:32:13,790 --> 00:32:16,309
I'm blind,
I don't have a girlfriend,
653
00:32:16,310 --> 00:32:17,709
I don't have any books,
654
00:32:17,710 --> 00:32:19,229
I've got my finals tomorrow,
655
00:32:19,230 --> 00:32:21,029
I've got a RELATIVELY low libido.
656
00:32:21,030 --> 00:32:22,389
In fact, while I'm at it,
657
00:32:22,390 --> 00:32:25,869
some more squat thrusts, I think!
658
00:32:25,870 --> 00:32:28,869
Which, of course, only
exacerbate my migraine.
659
00:32:28,870 --> 00:32:30,949
God, I love my life(!)
660
00:32:30,950 --> 00:32:33,229
Oh, stop fucking whining, Kingsley.
661
00:32:33,230 --> 00:32:34,829
You're such a little bitch.
662
00:32:34,830 --> 00:32:37,149
I have cause to moan, Josie.
663
00:32:37,150 --> 00:32:39,629
You can either sit around
feeling sorry for yourself
664
00:32:39,630 --> 00:32:41,749
or you can get up
and do some revision.
665
00:32:41,750 --> 00:32:43,069
How?!
666
00:32:43,070 --> 00:32:46,029
I don't have any
books and I'm blind!
667
00:32:46,030 --> 00:32:48,349
Do you think that stopped
Stevie Wonder, Kingsley?
668
00:32:48,350 --> 00:32:52,269
He did not go blind the night
before his geology finals!
669
00:32:52,270 --> 00:32:56,029
Right, I'm going to
get you through this...
670
00:32:56,030 --> 00:33:00,030
because I consider myself to be...
671
00:33:00,070 --> 00:33:03,829
..a kind of mother hen to you all.
672
00:33:03,830 --> 00:33:06,309
Don't, because you will make me cry.
673
00:33:06,310 --> 00:33:09,309
Oh, shut up, Josie.
674
00:33:09,310 --> 00:33:11,189
Sorry, but this isn't about you.
675
00:33:11,190 --> 00:33:15,029
You're always sticking your
beak in like a big Welsh heron.
676
00:33:15,030 --> 00:33:19,030
Just...
SHE SQUAWKS
677
00:33:19,350 --> 00:33:20,789
Well, that's nice, isn't it?
678
00:33:20,790 --> 00:33:22,309
God!
679
00:33:22,310 --> 00:33:26,310
Don't you have your
own life to sort out?
680
00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:30,549
I was just trying
to help, actually,
681
00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:33,629
because I'm going to be stuck
here, next year, on my own
682
00:33:33,630 --> 00:33:35,469
and I was just trying
to be a good friend
683
00:33:35,470 --> 00:33:38,149
because I wanted to help you all
out, cos I'm such a good friend.
684
00:33:38,150 --> 00:33:41,029
I'm such a good friend that I have
to tell you, actually, Oregon,
685
00:33:41,030 --> 00:33:43,629
that you're NOT
getting your Fulbright.
686
00:33:43,630 --> 00:33:46,269
Because I'm a really good friend,
and you just have to face up
687
00:33:46,270 --> 00:33:50,270
to reality because I'm a really,
really, really good friend.
688
00:33:54,870 --> 00:33:58,629
You opened it?
689
00:33:58,630 --> 00:34:00,349
I think I might open a window.
690
00:34:00,350 --> 00:34:02,109
I might just hide behind this box.
691
00:34:02,110 --> 00:34:04,189
I'm a really, really good friend.
692
00:34:04,190 --> 00:34:07,469
Basically, I'm a really,
really good friend.
693
00:34:07,470 --> 00:34:11,470
SHE SOBS
694
00:34:26,910 --> 00:34:30,910
TV BLARES
695
00:34:31,430 --> 00:34:32,909
He's watching Ross Kemp,
696
00:34:32,910 --> 00:34:35,389
so that's going to
get him all riled.
697
00:34:35,390 --> 00:34:36,989
Give them the money, Vod.
698
00:34:36,990 --> 00:34:38,789
Yeah, Vod. Give them the money.
699
00:34:38,790 --> 00:34:41,669
He's getting tired up
there, I can sense it.
700
00:34:41,670 --> 00:34:44,669
All that ransacking, it does you in.
701
00:34:44,670 --> 00:34:47,309
I'm back to one eye.
702
00:34:47,310 --> 00:34:50,389
I'm basically going into
my finals as a cyclops.
703
00:34:50,390 --> 00:34:53,069
God, I'm going to end up
moving back home, aren't I?
704
00:34:53,070 --> 00:34:54,869
Me, living with my mum,
705
00:34:54,870 --> 00:34:57,109
washing her massive, beige bras.
706
00:34:57,110 --> 00:35:00,709
Howard, I was being stupid.
707
00:35:00,710 --> 00:35:02,749
You can't start again
708
00:35:02,750 --> 00:35:04,949
and you can't stay at
university forever.
709
00:35:04,950 --> 00:35:06,669
Ultimately, that remains to be seen.
710
00:35:06,670 --> 00:35:08,309
Do you know what, Howard?
711
00:35:08,310 --> 00:35:09,869
You're not even that weird.
712
00:35:09,870 --> 00:35:11,469
Not any more.
713
00:35:11,470 --> 00:35:14,629
I mean, you are still
a little bit weird.
714
00:35:14,630 --> 00:35:17,789
I did see you eating that
moth about three months ago.
715
00:35:17,790 --> 00:35:20,709
Yeah, I mean, when I first met you,
716
00:35:20,710 --> 00:35:23,549
I used to dread spending
three seconds with you -
717
00:35:23,550 --> 00:35:26,829
but now I could go,
I don't know,
718
00:35:26,830 --> 00:35:28,949
up to 50 minutes in your company
719
00:35:28,950 --> 00:35:30,509
before I need just a little break.
720
00:35:30,510 --> 00:35:32,789
But what if I flounder?
721
00:35:32,790 --> 00:35:34,789
What if I forget to
swipe my Oyster card
722
00:35:34,790 --> 00:35:37,709
and Transport For London chooses
to make an example of me?
723
00:35:37,710 --> 00:35:40,189
What if I get mugged
every day by the same guy
724
00:35:40,190 --> 00:35:41,629
who can't stop mugging me
725
00:35:41,630 --> 00:35:43,749
because I'm insanely muggable?
726
00:35:43,750 --> 00:35:45,429
Howard...
727
00:35:45,430 --> 00:35:48,109
you're ready.
728
00:35:48,110 --> 00:35:49,989
THUMPING
729
00:35:49,990 --> 00:35:52,509
Right, Vod. Time's up, girl.
730
00:35:52,510 --> 00:35:54,629
Give us the money or
we're smashing the guitar.
731
00:35:54,630 --> 00:35:55,829
What guitar?
732
00:35:55,830 --> 00:35:57,189
Which guitar?
733
00:35:57,190 --> 00:35:59,869
Come on, Mole.
734
00:35:59,870 --> 00:36:01,389
Don't be such a prick.
735
00:36:01,390 --> 00:36:02,749
Don't agitate him,
736
00:36:02,750 --> 00:36:04,189
he's all hopped-up on Ross Kemp!
737
00:36:04,190 --> 00:36:06,909
Is it the Tanglewood or the Yamaha?
MUFFLED YELLING
738
00:36:06,910 --> 00:36:09,309
Could you just look at the
headstock and read it out to me?
739
00:36:09,310 --> 00:36:11,589
Enough's enough, Vod.
Just give them the money.
740
00:36:11,590 --> 00:36:15,549
I cannot stress highly
enough how much I need a poo.
741
00:36:15,550 --> 00:36:17,309
It is 60 grand!
742
00:36:17,310 --> 00:36:19,749
'Vod, listen, girl,
I'm not fucking about!'
743
00:36:19,750 --> 00:36:21,149
You're not going to do this?
744
00:36:21,150 --> 00:36:23,709
Look me in the eye - this eye -
745
00:36:23,710 --> 00:36:25,669
and tell me you're going to do this?
746
00:36:25,670 --> 00:36:28,989
Vod, just forget about the
fucking grad ball. Who cares?
747
00:36:28,990 --> 00:36:31,429
Look, this isn't about
the ball, all right?
748
00:36:31,430 --> 00:36:33,989
I need this money cos...
749
00:36:33,990 --> 00:36:35,869
..it's my finals tomorrow
750
00:36:35,870 --> 00:36:37,469
and I'm about to fuck them up.
751
00:36:37,470 --> 00:36:38,749
No, you're not.
752
00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:41,789
No, I need a fall-back option.
753
00:36:41,790 --> 00:36:44,069
I don't have a miracle, not me.
754
00:36:44,070 --> 00:36:45,989
I've got no-one. You've got us.
755
00:36:45,990 --> 00:36:48,069
No, this is real money.
756
00:36:48,070 --> 00:36:49,829
I could do something with this.
757
00:36:49,830 --> 00:36:52,269
'I'm cutting the
guitar strings, Vod.'
758
00:36:52,270 --> 00:36:54,149
STRING SNAPS
759
00:36:54,150 --> 00:36:56,389
No, that's it, gone again.
760
00:36:56,390 --> 00:37:00,189
I mean, when am I ever going to
get 60 grand again in my life?
761
00:37:00,190 --> 00:37:02,589
Vod, please don't screw
up our finals for us.
762
00:37:02,590 --> 00:37:04,389
STRING SNAPS
Ah.
763
00:37:04,390 --> 00:37:07,829
'Right, last chance, Vod, or
I'm smashing the shit out of it!'
764
00:37:07,830 --> 00:37:09,509
'Three...'
STRING SNAPS
765
00:37:09,510 --> 00:37:11,269
Ahh. '..two...' Do something, Vod.
766
00:37:11,270 --> 00:37:14,549
He's about to have a fucking stroke!
767
00:37:14,550 --> 00:37:18,189
'Vod, I'm not fucking messing, love!
768
00:37:18,190 --> 00:37:22,190
'Where the fuck is it?!
769
00:37:23,190 --> 00:37:27,190
'Vod?!' All right, I'm coming!
770
00:37:29,150 --> 00:37:31,429
Just take it, you dirty monster.
771
00:37:31,430 --> 00:37:35,430
'Nice one. Sorry for bothering you.'
772
00:37:38,190 --> 00:37:42,190
TV BLARES
773
00:37:42,470 --> 00:37:45,069
Thanks, Vod.
774
00:37:45,070 --> 00:37:47,109
No worries.
775
00:37:47,110 --> 00:37:51,110
You would've done the same for me.
776
00:37:52,070 --> 00:37:55,909
OK, so, I've got a geology exam
I should probably cram for.
777
00:37:55,910 --> 00:37:59,910
OK, I think I'm going
to just... Yeah.
778
00:38:02,710 --> 00:38:04,749
I'm sure you're aware but...
779
00:38:04,750 --> 00:38:08,750
everyone got quite
nutty down in the cellar.
780
00:38:09,150 --> 00:38:11,189
You don't REALLY like me, do you?
781
00:38:11,190 --> 00:38:14,189
No, I definitely don't like you.
782
00:38:14,190 --> 00:38:15,589
Good...
783
00:38:15,590 --> 00:38:19,029
because I DEFINITELY don't like you.
784
00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:21,709
Well, that's...
785
00:38:21,710 --> 00:38:25,710
..worked out pretty
tooting perfectly.
786
00:38:27,990 --> 00:38:31,349
Did he take my guitar?
787
00:38:31,350 --> 00:38:35,350
Where's my guitar?
788
00:38:35,630 --> 00:38:36,949
SMASH
789
00:38:36,950 --> 00:38:38,869
Ah, fuck!
790
00:38:38,870 --> 00:38:41,789
Oh!
791
00:38:41,790 --> 00:38:45,790
I've stepped on my fucking guitar!
792
00:38:49,390 --> 00:38:53,390
MUSIC: Insieme A Te Non Ci Sto Piu
by Caterina Caselli
59792
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