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1
00:00:06,314 --> 00:00:09,875
Beats By Dre, £199.
2
00:00:11,270 --> 00:00:13,469
Abo & Fitch,
3
00:00:13,470 --> 00:00:17,109
£79.95.
4
00:00:17,110 --> 00:00:19,509
SHB Vehicle Hire,
5
00:00:19,510 --> 00:00:22,309
£69.
6
00:00:22,310 --> 00:00:24,829
That's actually bloody decent
for a quad bike rental.
7
00:00:24,830 --> 00:00:27,829
Jack Wills...
8
00:00:27,830 --> 00:00:30,069
Now, please can you just understand
9
00:00:30,070 --> 00:00:34,070
that this was
for an entire winter look.
10
00:00:34,110 --> 00:00:38,069
...£467.55.
11
00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:39,669
The Sock Factory...
12
00:00:39,670 --> 00:00:43,149
That's the name of a website, not
an actual factory that I bought...
13
00:00:43,150 --> 00:00:46,749
Enough. Seriously.
Before I puke up my cheesy frites.
14
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:49,829
I set you up for an interview
with Magda at Jonty Bonty
15
00:00:49,830 --> 00:00:51,349
and you do what?
16
00:00:51,350 --> 00:00:53,149
I fucked it.
17
00:00:53,150 --> 00:00:57,150
Yeah. You fucked it.
In all available holes.
18
00:00:57,470 --> 00:01:00,669
Fanny, mouth, arse and a bollock
up each nostril.
19
00:01:00,670 --> 00:01:04,229
- I tried. Really hard...
- No, I know what you did Jonathan.
20
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:08,230
I wasn't born Tuesday,
AKA yesterday.
21
00:01:08,710 --> 00:01:12,069
Well - that is it.
I'm disconnecting the pipe.
22
00:01:12,070 --> 00:01:13,389
What pipe?
23
00:01:13,390 --> 00:01:15,749
The money pipe, Jonathan.
24
00:01:15,750 --> 00:01:17,749
I've sorted you a job.
25
00:01:17,750 --> 00:01:19,989
Junior position, shit pay.
26
00:01:19,990 --> 00:01:23,990
Until you accept,
you are officially cut off.
27
00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:03,909
- Oregon?
- Oh, I'm just, erm, burning some poems.
28
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,789
Right. The, er, competition.
29
00:02:05,790 --> 00:02:09,509
Yeah. Bit of a "poetry
surplus" scenario.
30
00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:13,349
But I mean, you have read them
all, though?
31
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:16,309
I've read them. Yeah.
32
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,229
I've nearly read most of
these poems.
33
00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:21,349
Do you think that you should
maybe... come clean?
34
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:22,549
Come clean about what?
35
00:02:22,550 --> 00:02:26,550
- Taking 20 grand and wasting it
on a poetry prize.
- It's not wasted!
36
00:02:26,830 --> 00:02:29,749
Arts. Legacy.
37
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,989
Patronage.
38
00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:33,989
It's OK.
39
00:02:33,990 --> 00:02:37,990
Everything's basically
going to be OK.
40
00:02:38,430 --> 00:02:40,909
Right. Back to the bonfire!
41
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:44,910
- I'll get marshmallows!
- OK.
42
00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:03,589
- I make that precisely Bonk o'...
- [GIRL GASPS]
43
00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,589
...clock.
44
00:03:05,590 --> 00:03:08,349
Oh, God.
45
00:03:08,350 --> 00:03:10,309
Oh. Hello?
46
00:03:10,310 --> 00:03:14,310
- Sorry...
- No! No, God, I'm sorry,
I... I should've knocked.
47
00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:20,190
Erm... But this is great.
Erm, you two just crack on.
48
00:03:20,230 --> 00:03:22,309
Give him a... bloody good bonking,
49
00:03:22,310 --> 00:03:26,310
and I... I shall take my leave!
50
00:03:31,510 --> 00:03:34,069
He's a clever, clever bastard.
51
00:03:34,070 --> 00:03:36,709
He's isolated my one weakness.
52
00:03:36,710 --> 00:03:38,589
Poverty.
53
00:03:38,590 --> 00:03:40,869
Poverty is like my Kryptonite.
54
00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:43,629
I think poverty is everyone's
Kryptonite, JP.
55
00:03:43,630 --> 00:03:46,669
You know what? It's fine,
I can do it.
56
00:03:46,670 --> 00:03:49,749
I can live on the breadline.
It'll be fucking fun!
57
00:03:49,750 --> 00:03:52,669
Shopping around for deals,
using vouchers for Prezzo.
58
00:03:52,670 --> 00:03:56,149
Oh, yeah. I mean, if you get really
strapped you could always
59
00:03:56,150 --> 00:03:59,949
sell your collection of antique
Edwardian nutcrackers.
60
00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:03,950
Yes, Vod. Or, we could bring out
our mutual friend, Cunty Landlord.
61
00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:06,469
"Oh. Hello, Cunty, how are
you today?"
62
00:04:06,470 --> 00:04:09,869
[DEEP VOICE]: "I'm fine, thank you,
JP. Has Vod paid her rent this week?"
63
00:04:09,870 --> 00:04:12,069
"No. She hasn't, Cunty."
64
00:04:12,070 --> 00:04:13,709
All right. Easy.
65
00:04:13,710 --> 00:04:16,829
Got more angry paper.
66
00:04:16,830 --> 00:04:20,830
It's so red. So angry.
67
00:04:22,150 --> 00:04:25,269
Oggs. More poetry for you.
68
00:04:25,270 --> 00:04:27,549
Right. I'll get the wheelbarrow.
69
00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:31,550
It just all seems a bit... indulgent,
a bit... braggy.
70
00:04:31,790 --> 00:04:33,869
- A bit "Look at me."
- Howard, it's a CV, mate.
71
00:04:33,870 --> 00:04:35,669
It's supposed to be a BIT
"Look at me."
72
00:04:35,670 --> 00:04:37,149
I don't like to boast.
73
00:04:37,150 --> 00:04:39,349
I'm small-headed.
Though ironically
74
00:04:39,350 --> 00:04:41,869
when it comes to helmet rental
I always come up large.
75
00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:43,829
It's Ordnance Survey. OK.
76
00:04:43,830 --> 00:04:47,830
They've probably got 28,000
candidates for that one position.
77
00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:50,589
Oh - quick warning,
I've got Bad-Soc this afternoon
78
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:53,069
so don't expect any sense
out of me tonight!
79
00:04:53,070 --> 00:04:56,989
Ooh... Badminton. The last
refuge of the fucking loser.
80
00:04:56,990 --> 00:04:59,869
Mind your backs.
81
00:04:59,870 --> 00:05:03,749
Er, Vod. This isn't Badminton,
this is Radminton.
82
00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:05,109
More like... Sadminton.
83
00:05:05,110 --> 00:05:06,869
More like Madminton.
84
00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:10,870
Last week, we ended up doing
vodka shots out of a shuttlecock.
85
00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:13,789
- Shuttlecocks have got holes in them?
- Exactly!
86
00:05:13,790 --> 00:05:15,509
Cos that's how fucking mad we are.
87
00:05:15,510 --> 00:05:18,669
So... yeah, I'm pretty much set up
for friends next year.
88
00:05:18,670 --> 00:05:22,670
Game, set and trashed.
89
00:05:25,550 --> 00:05:29,550
It's from Fulbright. The scholarship
people. That's going to be me, Vod.
90
00:05:30,310 --> 00:05:33,589
Stroking books and just... laughing.
91
00:05:33,590 --> 00:05:34,869
Great.
92
00:05:34,870 --> 00:05:38,870
Professor Dumblefuck's International
School of Book-Stroking.
93
00:05:41,870 --> 00:05:44,309
Hmm...
94
00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:48,310
I think I may sell these
nutcrackers after all.
95
00:05:52,710 --> 00:05:54,589
How's the novella?
96
00:05:54,590 --> 00:05:57,309
It's a novel.
97
00:05:57,310 --> 00:05:59,189
Course it is.
98
00:05:59,190 --> 00:06:02,269
Well... thanks for pitching in
with the reading.
99
00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:03,669
Pleasure.
100
00:06:03,670 --> 00:06:06,429
And thus did
I decamp to fair Buxton,
101
00:06:06,430 --> 00:06:08,829
and therein did immerse
myself in verse.
102
00:06:08,830 --> 00:06:10,149
The majority of which,
103
00:06:10,150 --> 00:06:14,150
sorry to conjure, were
read in a Radox-filled bubble bath.
104
00:06:14,310 --> 00:06:16,549
- What's this?
- Those are my receipts, Oregon.
105
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:19,189
That you very kindly offered to
cover in lieu of my standard
106
00:06:19,190 --> 00:06:23,190
- reader's fee.
- Three grand?!
107
00:06:24,030 --> 00:06:26,149
Johnnie Walker?
108
00:06:26,150 --> 00:06:28,309
Turbot?
109
00:06:28,310 --> 00:06:30,029
What the fuck is a Belvedere?
110
00:06:30,030 --> 00:06:33,269
It's a type of cigar.
111
00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:36,189
Is that a new cardie?
112
00:06:36,190 --> 00:06:37,789
Have you had your teeth whitened?
113
00:06:37,790 --> 00:06:40,549
Oregon, that is an
outrageous accusation,
114
00:06:40,550 --> 00:06:43,349
that really is from the
bottom drawer.
115
00:06:43,350 --> 00:06:46,949
How am I supposed to get three grand
of turbot past accounts?
116
00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:49,149
This thing is spiralling.
117
00:06:49,150 --> 00:06:53,150
Oregon, if you're struggling,
just reach out and ask for help.
118
00:06:55,590 --> 00:06:58,549
No, it's fine. I can bury it.
119
00:06:58,550 --> 00:07:01,749
These... will not be a problem.
120
00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:03,989
I can just make the necessary...
121
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,229
adjustments to the budget.
122
00:07:06,230 --> 00:07:10,029
Everything will be...
123
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:14,030
Those are new fucking shoes, Tony.
I can see the soles!
124
00:07:18,950 --> 00:07:21,389
Have you seen where they're holding
the Graduation Ball?
125
00:07:21,390 --> 00:07:23,149
Fucking Distractions!
126
00:07:23,150 --> 00:07:24,549
Oh... I like Distractions.
127
00:07:24,550 --> 00:07:25,869
It's a worm-pit.
128
00:07:25,870 --> 00:07:29,229
It's basically a portal to hell
with a chewy toothbrush dispenser.
129
00:07:29,230 --> 00:07:33,230
The DJ wears a funny wig.
It is a solid night out.
130
00:07:35,230 --> 00:07:39,230
It was like a green quiff,
if you can imagine such a thing.
131
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:43,629
I mean, why not go all out and hold
it in the fucking Wild Bean Cafe?!
132
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:45,029
That's not as mad as it sounds.
133
00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:47,469
If you don't like it, why don't
YOU sort something, Kingo?
134
00:07:47,470 --> 00:07:50,069
Oh, yeah, Vod -
I'll sort something out.
135
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,869
Cos that's the sort of thing
that happens.
136
00:07:51,870 --> 00:07:53,149
"Oh, let's have a party.
137
00:07:53,150 --> 00:07:55,669
"What sort of records
will I play at my party?
138
00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:57,509
"Where will all the people
put their coats?
139
00:07:57,510 --> 00:08:00,309
"Or should I just put all
the coats in a big bag?"
140
00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:04,269
Wake up, Vod, fuck's sake. Huh?
141
00:08:04,270 --> 00:08:08,270
Alternative Grad Ball.
Think about it.
142
00:08:08,670 --> 00:08:11,109
So... I have a first draft.
143
00:08:11,110 --> 00:08:12,549
My CV.
144
00:08:12,550 --> 00:08:16,550
The life and times
of Howard Redacted MacGregor.
145
00:08:16,990 --> 00:08:20,069
The first thing you'll notice
is the impeccable formatting.
146
00:08:20,070 --> 00:08:22,989
And then almost immediately your eye
will be drawn to a jarring blend
147
00:08:22,990 --> 00:08:25,989
blend of fonts -
Avenir Medium for the body
148
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:28,709
and Franklin Gothic Bold
for the headers.
149
00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:32,710
A kind of niggling disparity
which wills you to look away but
150
00:08:33,030 --> 00:08:34,789
of course, you cannot.
151
00:08:34,790 --> 00:08:37,389
- Instep?
- Blood group?
152
00:08:37,390 --> 00:08:40,149
- Potted dental history?
- Oh - can I see that?
153
00:08:40,150 --> 00:08:42,269
Hobbies and interests, N/A?
154
00:08:42,270 --> 00:08:44,229
Not applicable.
155
00:08:44,230 --> 00:08:47,149
I did not know that
about your premolars.
156
00:08:47,150 --> 00:08:49,389
You need interests, Howard.
Just put anything.
157
00:08:49,390 --> 00:08:51,989
- I could put vintage Japanese erotica.
- Yeah, don't put that.
158
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,989
Even your teeth make you
sound weird.
159
00:08:53,990 --> 00:08:55,789
Just make something up, Howard. Lie.
160
00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:59,790
Well... I'm off to "Lee Dull"...?
161
00:09:01,350 --> 00:09:03,269
Lie-Dull?
162
00:09:03,270 --> 00:09:07,270
The horrible place
with the free food.
163
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:13,909
Josie... I'm a bit confused,
164
00:09:13,910 --> 00:09:16,949
Do you think maybe we could have
a little chat about our trade agreement?
165
00:09:16,950 --> 00:09:20,549
Re. er, docking at Smuggler's Cove.
166
00:09:20,550 --> 00:09:23,069
Probably my least favourite
vagina euphemism.
167
00:09:23,070 --> 00:09:24,949
So, just to clarify -
168
00:09:24,950 --> 00:09:28,229
erm, I am... still free to, er,
169
00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:31,109
trade my bananas with other
interested regions?
170
00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:32,589
No, JP.
171
00:09:32,590 --> 00:09:34,349
Because I'm so in love with you.
172
00:09:34,350 --> 00:09:35,949
[SARCASTICALLY]
"Oh, Josie loves JP!
173
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,149
"Maybe she should get him
a Valentine's card!"
174
00:09:38,150 --> 00:09:40,269
Basically, I wouldn't be that upset
if you died -
175
00:09:40,270 --> 00:09:43,829
- I mean, I'd be sad, but I'd rally
pretty bloody quickly.
176
00:09:43,830 --> 00:09:47,389
So... yeah, maybe we should just
forget the whole thing.
177
00:09:47,390 --> 00:09:50,749
Oh. Fine, yeah, I mean... you know.
If that's what you want?
178
00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:54,750
Well, that way you don't have to
worry about me barging in on you
when you're balls-deep.
179
00:09:54,990 --> 00:09:58,749
- Do you really want to
know what this is?
- Yes.
180
00:09:58,750 --> 00:10:01,989
It's a fuck-fest free-for-all,
and we're just two horny atoms
181
00:10:01,990 --> 00:10:05,990
who keep... accidentally
smashing into each other. Capiche?
182
00:10:06,430 --> 00:10:08,949
Yeah. Capiche.
183
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:10,909
I'm really glad we cleared that up.
184
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:14,910
Good. Now I'm cocking off.
For now - we badminton!
185
00:10:20,790 --> 00:10:24,790
MUSIC: Kids In America
by Kim Wilde
186
00:10:48,670 --> 00:10:52,670
Shuttlecock shot!
187
00:10:52,830 --> 00:10:54,909
Ohhhh!
188
00:10:54,910 --> 00:10:58,909
We only need 15 more and then
we can move for impeachment.
189
00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:02,469
It's a petition. To have Oregon
Shawcross kicked out of office.
190
00:11:02,470 --> 00:11:04,749
Yeah, sorry. I can't sign this.
191
00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,709
Erm, she's actually
a friend of mine.
192
00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:09,709
She's running this union
into the ground.
193
00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:13,710
Slashing resources and jizzing away
God-knows-how much on her thing.
194
00:11:14,110 --> 00:11:17,789
Think you better go.
195
00:11:17,790 --> 00:11:19,349
Dale?
196
00:11:19,350 --> 00:11:23,350
Guys... Seriously?
You want me to go?
197
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:29,310
I'm Jumping Josie Jones.
The mad slag of Bad-Soc.
198
00:11:29,870 --> 00:11:32,469
I just don't think that you'd be
particularly comfortable,
199
00:11:32,470 --> 00:11:36,109
with the kind of activism
WE'VE got in mind.
200
00:11:36,110 --> 00:11:37,789
Like what?
201
00:11:37,790 --> 00:11:41,790
We are going to burn an effigy
of Oregon in the quad.
202
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,949
Wow. OK, yeah. Erm...
203
00:11:44,950 --> 00:11:48,950
first off can I just say,
and this didn't come from me...
204
00:11:49,870 --> 00:11:52,309
Burn the witch, burn the witch,
burn the witch!
205
00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:55,789
Erm... I'm just joking obviously,
she is a really great friend but...
206
00:11:55,790 --> 00:11:57,789
Y'know, any information you could
give us...
207
00:11:57,790 --> 00:11:59,993
would be really appreciated.
208
00:12:14,220 --> 00:12:17,259
So, I've been thinking about this
Alternative Grad Ball.
209
00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:19,619
I think it could look pretty
good on the old CV.
210
00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:23,620
Plus, bit of a cheeky middle digit
up to those goons at 6Music.
211
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,939
My first question as a punter is,
will it be boring?
212
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:29,939
Why would it be boring?
213
00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:31,779
I do need your help.
214
00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:35,780
You've got 60 seconds then
I must get back to the books.
215
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:38,299
Right. Theme?
216
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,819
Oh, erm, Carnevale di Venezia.
217
00:12:40,820 --> 00:12:44,499
- So, Carnival of Venice. A masked ball.
- So an orgy?
218
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:48,019
Not an orgy. Like a warehouse party,
but in a marquee?
219
00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:49,419
Italian Hard House.
220
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:52,819
You know, like a rave but, erm,
sort of with cheese?
221
00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:56,820
A classy masked rave in a large
tent, with loads of cheese?
222
00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:59,339
Right, let's talk toilets.
223
00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:03,340
One unit per ten females, er,
trough-style urinals for the blokes.
224
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,499
Speak to the farmer whose
field it is, he'll, er,
225
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:09,619
let you dump your turds in his silo
and that way you'll save on pumpage.
226
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:12,579
- Next?
- Um...
227
00:13:12,580 --> 00:13:16,139
So, erm, yeah, er,
so in terms of types of cheese,
228
00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:19,419
I was thinking, erm, Grana Padano
and Pecorino Romano?
229
00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:23,420
Dude, you've got 15 seconds left and
you want to ask me about cheese?
230
00:13:23,620 --> 00:13:26,059
- Erm... no?
- What about car-parking?
231
00:13:26,060 --> 00:13:28,539
Ticketing, wrist-bands, security,
232
00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:31,619
insurance, rigging,
lighting, gaffers?
233
00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:34,899
Stage-hire, roadies,
hand-stampers, and that's time.
234
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,979
Where the fuck am I going to find
hand-stampers?
235
00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:41,379
Kingsley, are you sure you should be
taking this on with your finals?
236
00:13:41,380 --> 00:13:43,979
Oh, where's my wooden board?
237
00:13:43,980 --> 00:13:47,980
I like it on a wooden board.
It tastes better on a wooden board.
238
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:52,179
[SHE MUTTERS IN ITALIAN]
239
00:13:52,180 --> 00:13:53,539
What is with all the muttering?
240
00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:55,899
I don't know, but she just
put my panini in the bin.
241
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:59,900
Oh, shit, she's coming back.
242
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:04,019
Well...
243
00:14:04,020 --> 00:14:06,019
There's the famous Latin
temperament.
244
00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:07,899
I mean, I don't know what
I expected?
245
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:11,459
If you dip your dick into Mount
Etna, you're going to get burnt.
246
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:15,459
Er, good luck with organising
your marquee for your orgy.
247
00:14:15,468 --> 00:14:19,460
Oh, erm, I was thinking,
60 quid a ticket? Is that right?
248
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,253
Cos, like, 60 times 1,000...
249
00:14:22,268 --> 00:14:24,415
I mean, I should be able to set up
some sort of pop-up
250
00:14:24,422 --> 00:14:28,422
charcuterie store with 60,000 quid.
Right?
251
00:14:28,787 --> 00:14:29,934
Right.
252
00:14:29,948 --> 00:14:33,695
I mean, forget about the books,
how about I give you a hand?
253
00:14:33,703 --> 00:14:37,702
I know a field and it's fallow
as fuck.
254
00:14:40,820 --> 00:14:44,823
Just a few details before we
can proceed with your emergency
hardship application.
255
00:14:45,060 --> 00:14:48,299
Please. Take your time.
256
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:49,979
It's just nice to be warm.
257
00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:53,059
Can I ask what your, er,
living status is, Jonathan?
258
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,659
Landlord.
259
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:56,499
You're a homeowner?
260
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:58,379
I am asset-rich but cash-poor.
261
00:14:58,380 --> 00:15:00,579
Which, I don't know whether
you know, Janet,
262
00:15:00,580 --> 00:15:03,659
is just an absolute fucker.
263
00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:07,099
Can I ask what your household
income is? In terms of your parents?
264
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:11,019
Respectfully, I'd prefer not
to disclose that as I feel it
265
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:14,259
may negatively influence
the outcome of my application.
266
00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:16,739
Just so you're aware, based on
what you've told me, I think
267
00:15:16,740 --> 00:15:18,219
it's highly unlikely...
268
00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:21,259
Why?! Because of my bearing?
269
00:15:21,260 --> 00:15:23,699
Let me tell you a little story.
270
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:26,339
Christopher Biggins.
271
00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:30,340
Privately-educated, very popular
entertainer... Bankrupt!
272
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,939
It happens.
273
00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:36,779
And at this point, with regret,
it has become necessary for me
274
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:39,099
to ask for assistance
from the state.
275
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:40,819
We have limited resources
276
00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:43,899
and with the recent cuts
we have to focus our funding.
277
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:45,659
Oregon.
278
00:15:45,660 --> 00:15:49,660
Fucking Oregon.
279
00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:57,419
Don't freak. I repeat.
280
00:15:57,420 --> 00:16:01,420
Do not freak.
Blink if you understand.
281
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,979
Apparently there's a petition
going round.
282
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:06,739
They've got 100 signatures.
283
00:16:06,740 --> 00:16:10,740
They've triggered a vote of no
confidence. I am so sorry, Oregon.
284
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,339
They're moving to impeach.
285
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:16,739
[CAMERA FLASH]
286
00:16:16,740 --> 00:16:19,739
[CAMERA FLASH]
287
00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:21,139
Impeachment!
288
00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:22,699
They're trying to overthrow me!
289
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:26,700
Midway through planting a crabapple
tree and they drop this shit on me.
290
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,259
100 names.
291
00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:29,979
The Traitor Menu.
292
00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:33,980
I mean, I'm not putting them
on a watch list, but...
293
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:36,499
Mmm, your girlfriend signed this.
294
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,059
What can I tell you? La Donna.
295
00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:39,419
She's her own animal.
296
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:43,019
God, I wish she'd just
fuck off back to Switzerland.
297
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,459
Erm, Italy.
298
00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:46,859
Why would she fuck off back
to Italy?
299
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:48,539
Because she's from Italy.
300
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:50,579
She might fuck off via Switzerland.
301
00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:52,739
- She's not Italian.
- She's totally Italian.
302
00:16:52,740 --> 00:16:56,139
No! She speaks Italian because she's
from one of the Italian cantons
303
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,459
in Switzerland.
304
00:16:57,460 --> 00:17:00,059
Italian cantons of Switzerland?
You just made that up!
305
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:03,979
You know, Switzerland. Chocolate.
Cuckoo clocks. Dignitas.
306
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:07,379
Nom-nom-nom-nom. Cuckoo!
307
00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:10,139
Switzerland? Famously stayed out of
World War II?
308
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:14,059
Ironic considering the politics
of your Nazi, fucking wife.
309
00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:16,299
Swiss...
310
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,379
Hmm, Switzerland?
311
00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:22,499
[ECHOING]: 'My Swiss girlfriend,
Swiss girlfriend, Swiss girlfriend,
312
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:25,299
'Swiss girlfriend...'
313
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:26,819
So, what's your next move?
314
00:17:26,820 --> 00:17:29,939
Well, I've got until the vote at 8pm
tomorrow to balance the budget
315
00:17:29,940 --> 00:17:31,579
and get the books straight,
316
00:17:31,580 --> 00:17:35,580
meanwhile I'm tit-high in Tony's
fucking turbot.
317
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:40,819
[PHONE RINGS]
318
00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:43,899
Hello, Night-Line.
My name's Natasha,
319
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:47,419
'how can I help you?'
320
00:17:47,420 --> 00:17:49,099
Hello, Natasha.
321
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,579
'How are you doing tonight?'
322
00:17:51,580 --> 00:17:52,699
Not great.
323
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:56,059
Whatever it is, I'm sure I can help.
324
00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:58,579
I'm closing Night-Line.
325
00:17:58,580 --> 00:18:01,419
Who is this?
326
00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:05,420
This is Oregon Shawcross.
Your President.
327
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:11,259
I have just have been on a bus
328
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:12,939
to the supermarket,
329
00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:15,219
where I bought some bones.
330
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,939
I'm about to boil some pasta in
a minute.
331
00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:18,539
If you want you can have my water.
332
00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:21,499
Now I know what reality feels like.
333
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,219
Scratchy and harsh.
334
00:18:23,223 --> 00:18:25,213
You're being pathetic.
335
00:18:25,223 --> 00:18:29,096
Yes, I am being pathetic, Josie,
defiantly pathetic.
336
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,251
I can't do this by myself.
337
00:18:31,264 --> 00:18:32,778
I need help.
338
00:18:32,789 --> 00:18:36,781
Somebody help me.
339
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:40,985
Well, I have finally e-mailed my CV
to Ordnance Survey HQ.
340
00:18:41,420 --> 00:18:45,429
Interests and hobbies include -
reading, walking and street magic.
341
00:18:48,980 --> 00:18:51,293
- Street magic?
- You put down street magic?
342
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,819
Why did you put street magic?
343
00:18:52,820 --> 00:18:56,820
Because I asked JP, and he said put
something cool down like street magic.
344
00:18:57,020 --> 00:19:00,099
I said, put down something
cool LIKE street magic.
345
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:02,459
I didn't say, put fucking
street magic.
346
00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:04,459
Oh, hot, horny hell have
I made an error?
347
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:07,219
They're going to have this stack of
boring CVs and then the resume
348
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:10,339
of David fucking Blaine. What do you
think their first question will be?
349
00:19:10,340 --> 00:19:12,139
- Can you levitate?
- Will you smash my watch?
350
00:19:12,140 --> 00:19:14,579
- Can you teleport?
- Can you turn invisible?
351
00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:17,579
Can you burn a £50 note, and then
you cough and it's in your mouth?
352
00:19:17,580 --> 00:19:19,819
Do you honestly think they'll
expect me to levitate?
353
00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:22,539
They'll expect something in
the levitation ballpark, yeah.
354
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:26,540
I'm on a hiding to nothing on
this one because I'm one of the most
land-borne people I know.
355
00:19:27,740 --> 00:19:31,740
Right? Can somebody spot me
some croutons for my bone soup?
356
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,539
PROTESTERS: Where's our bus!
Where's our bus!
357
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:39,139
Where's our bus! Shawcross out!
358
00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:43,140
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
359
00:19:45,220 --> 00:19:48,459
Whack the head!
It's filled with Haribo!
360
00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:51,659
Hey, I got a good one!
Orry-Orry-Ore-gone!
361
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:54,019
PROTESTERS: Out-out-out!
362
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:55,939
Orry-Orry-Ore-gone...
363
00:19:55,940 --> 00:19:59,019
Josie, what are you doing?
364
00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:01,379
Er... This...
365
00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:04,379
this is just a harmless
bit of satirical fun.
366
00:20:04,380 --> 00:20:06,019
Is that an effigy?
367
00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:07,659
- Are they going to burn me?
- No.
368
00:20:07,660 --> 00:20:11,339
No! Erm, not until they've got all
the sweets out of your big head.
369
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,459
Josie. This is horrible!
370
00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:17,419
Come on. It's just a bit of,
you know, knock-about fun.
371
00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:20,499
Punch and Judy politics.
Don't take it so personally.
372
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,099
They're going to set fire to ME.
373
00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:25,819
Oregon. I don't want politics
to come between our friendship, OK?
374
00:20:25,820 --> 00:20:29,019
But, y'know, closing down
Night-Line...
375
00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:31,099
It got six calls a week!
376
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:35,100
[CROWD CHEER]
377
00:20:37,780 --> 00:20:40,339
Oh, whoa! God! That really went up!
378
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,099
S'awful.
379
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:44,139
Burn the witch! Burn the witch!
380
00:20:44,140 --> 00:20:45,219
So flammable.
381
00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:48,939
[CROWD CHANT]: Burn the witch!
382
00:20:48,940 --> 00:20:52,940
That is a killer field.
Beautifully fucking irrigated.
383
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,459
- We should check the acoustics.
- Mmm.
384
00:20:56,460 --> 00:21:00,460
One-two. Two-two. One-two. Two!
385
00:21:01,580 --> 00:21:04,139
- I'm none the wiser.
- Mmm.
386
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:08,140
Sorry can you put those fucking
sunglasses on, or take them off?
387
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,059
[PHONE RINGS]
388
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:14,579
God. Mum again.
389
00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:17,179
Bandit had a seizure.
390
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:18,819
Who the fuck's Bandit?
391
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:21,619
The epilepsy dog.
392
00:21:21,620 --> 00:21:23,779
Epilepsy dog had a seizure!
393
00:21:23,780 --> 00:21:26,019
Epilepsy dog has epilepsy?!
394
00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:28,099
Well, does he though?
395
00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:30,299
Or is it all just part
of the mind-war?
396
00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:33,539
"Uni's coming to an end."
"Oh, big coincidence,
Bandit's had a wobbler!"
397
00:21:33,540 --> 00:21:36,099
She probably locked him
in the cupboard under the stairs
398
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:37,579
with a strobe until he wigged out.
399
00:21:37,580 --> 00:21:40,259
Oh, yeah, she wants you back.
What a bitch(!)
400
00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:42,259
There's no way I'm
moving back with her.
401
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,939
I'd rather move to the Yemen
and work in a salt-mine.
402
00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:48,179
Nah, I'll just stay in Manchester.
403
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:49,779
Move in with Rosa, probably.
404
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:51,419
Very homely.
405
00:21:51,420 --> 00:21:53,259
What do you think about her
though? Really?
406
00:21:53,260 --> 00:21:56,739
I tell you what I think about your
Swiss girlfriend, Kingsley. Neutral.
407
00:21:56,740 --> 00:21:58,739
I feel neutral.
Not one side or the other.
408
00:21:58,740 --> 00:22:00,859
- She's just been on my back lately.
- Hmm.
409
00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:02,539
Weighing you down, like one of them
410
00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:05,019
really big Toblerones you
get from Duty Free.
411
00:22:05,020 --> 00:22:08,459
I mean it can't be the case that
I like her less because she's Swiss.
412
00:22:08,460 --> 00:22:12,460
But also, it is the case.
413
00:22:12,620 --> 00:22:15,259
I mean you saw her,
flying off the handle like that.
414
00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:16,939
There's no need for it.
415
00:22:16,940 --> 00:22:20,940
If she's not Italian that just means
she's just really fucking snippy.
416
00:22:28,820 --> 00:22:30,339
Oregon.
417
00:22:30,340 --> 00:22:33,859
I've come to claim £20,000 for the
greatest poem in the world!
418
00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:36,579
[CLEARS HIS THROAT]
419
00:22:36,580 --> 00:22:38,219
There was a young legend from Stow,
420
00:22:38,220 --> 00:22:40,539
Who snorted a kilo of blow.
421
00:22:40,540 --> 00:22:44,540
JP, that's a limerick, you're not
going to win with a limerick.
422
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:53,700
- There was a young lady
from St Mary's Ca...
- Again - limerick.
423
00:22:58,220 --> 00:22:59,419
There was a young geezer...
424
00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:03,420
If it begins, "There was a young..."
it's a fucking limerick, JP!
425
00:23:15,420 --> 00:23:17,539
- I brought you some sweets.
- Oh, good(!)
426
00:23:17,540 --> 00:23:20,179
They managed to get all the sweets
out of my big flammable
427
00:23:20,180 --> 00:23:23,219
fucking Pinata head before it
exploded into flames?
428
00:23:23,220 --> 00:23:25,779
No. They didn't actually.
429
00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:29,780
We had some packets left over.
430
00:23:30,020 --> 00:23:31,099
So,
431
00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:33,779
the dreaded vote of no confidence.
432
00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:37,780
If only there were some way you
could rise above your problems.
433
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:43,419
Howard, what are you doing?
434
00:23:43,420 --> 00:23:45,299
I'm levitating.
435
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:49,300
Like some kind of highly-employable
Christ figure.
436
00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:04,940
Well, I want names, Josie. I am
going to highlight those involved.
437
00:24:04,980 --> 00:24:08,980
It is not Orwellian, it is just
being very bloody organised...
438
00:24:09,660 --> 00:24:13,499
"Jezebel James?"
439
00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:15,699
That's you, isn't it?
440
00:24:15,700 --> 00:24:17,579
You signed this?
441
00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:19,659
I'm desperate. OK, Oregon.
442
00:24:19,660 --> 00:24:22,139
I need friends for next year
and Bad Soc's all I've got.
443
00:24:22,140 --> 00:24:26,140
Yeah, well, you know what?
Fuck Bad Soc.
444
00:24:27,260 --> 00:24:28,859
- No way?
- Yes way.
445
00:24:28,860 --> 00:24:30,819
Funding has been cut.
446
00:24:30,820 --> 00:24:33,219
I am 'Breaking Bad Soc'.
447
00:24:33,220 --> 00:24:35,379
You evil fucking despot.
448
00:24:35,380 --> 00:24:38,175
Sorry, Josie. Death to Sadminton.
449
00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:49,619
Do you think
he looks menacing enough?
450
00:24:49,620 --> 00:24:51,259
Quite sad eyes.
451
00:24:51,260 --> 00:24:55,099
He's big, he's bald, he's bearded.
Tick, tick, tick. Yes, please.
452
00:24:55,100 --> 00:24:57,819
Maybe I should ask him
to manhandle me.
453
00:24:57,820 --> 00:25:01,820
You know, try before you buy.
454
00:25:03,580 --> 00:25:06,419
Plus, we do a lot of security
on match days.
455
00:25:06,420 --> 00:25:08,139
Sweet!
456
00:25:08,140 --> 00:25:10,699
Ooh, do you want, er, Mole
to manhandle you now, Kingo?
457
00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:14,419
Oh, yeah, she's... she's joking.
There's not...
458
00:25:14,420 --> 00:25:17,059
not much man to manhandle, methinks!
459
00:25:17,060 --> 00:25:19,779
What's the, er, damage, you know,
bunce-wise?
460
00:25:19,780 --> 00:25:22,259
1,500 for the night
461
00:25:22,260 --> 00:25:25,619
or nothing and we do the sundries -
462
00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:28,139
coke, weed, pills.
463
00:25:28,140 --> 00:25:31,459
Interesting. Don't think we've found
a supplier yet for our sundries,
464
00:25:31,460 --> 00:25:35,179
- have we, Kingo?
- Yeah. So sorry, Mole.
465
00:25:35,180 --> 00:25:39,180
Um... just, yeah, quick conflab
with my associate. Um, yeah.
466
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:44,539
What the fuck? He's a dealer!
467
00:25:44,540 --> 00:25:47,139
He's a short bald man
from Liverpool in a bomber jacket.
468
00:25:47,140 --> 00:25:48,339
I mean, I'm no Poirot...
469
00:25:48,340 --> 00:25:52,340
Mole - he sounds all nice.
He sounds all Toad of Toad Hall.
470
00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:54,699
He's a drugs mole.
471
00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:57,819
There are going to be
drugs at the Grad Ball, hmm?
472
00:25:57,820 --> 00:26:00,699
So, we either go to the open market
473
00:26:00,700 --> 00:26:04,700
or we go with a local supplier
who provides a quality,
474
00:26:04,740 --> 00:26:06,139
freshly-sourced product.
475
00:26:06,140 --> 00:26:09,499
Don't make him sound like he's some
fucking artisan baker!
476
00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:12,139
He's a drug dealer, he's dangerous.
477
00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:16,140
All right. Don't stack your briefs!
We'll find someone else.
478
00:26:16,180 --> 00:26:18,579
OK, so what now? What's
the etiquette with these people?
479
00:26:18,580 --> 00:26:22,299
Do they have an etiquette
or do we just turn around and walk
away really fucking briskly?
480
00:26:22,300 --> 00:26:26,300
Yeah, that's what we do.
481
00:26:35,220 --> 00:26:37,779
- How are you holding up?
- Yeah, yeah, really good.
482
00:26:37,780 --> 00:26:40,059
Um, I'm looking forward
to my vote of confidence.
483
00:26:40,060 --> 00:26:41,779
I thought it was
a vote of no confidence.
484
00:26:41,780 --> 00:26:45,179
Yeah, well, that all depends
on if you're a negative person
485
00:26:45,180 --> 00:26:46,699
or you're more in the mould
486
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:49,219
of a Dorothy Parker
meets Ellen MacArthur.
487
00:26:49,220 --> 00:26:52,099
Straw poll - if you were
interviewing me for a job,
488
00:26:52,100 --> 00:26:54,339
would you be impressed
if I, very safely,
489
00:26:54,340 --> 00:26:58,019
launched a small firework
from about my beard?
490
00:26:58,020 --> 00:27:02,020
Two, four, six... no hands!
Great feedback, thanks.
491
00:27:03,940 --> 00:27:06,939
Oregon, can you just
lift your chin up?
492
00:27:06,940 --> 00:27:10,339
I'm doing a cheeky little
lampoon for the protest movement.
493
00:27:10,340 --> 00:27:12,019
You're lampooning me?
494
00:27:12,020 --> 00:27:14,979
Yeah. The Blaster got in touch
out of the blue.
495
00:27:14,980 --> 00:27:18,980
I've been commissioned. I'm getting
paid. Screw you, Tomothy!
496
00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:23,339
All aboard the satirical cartoon
gravy train!
497
00:27:23,340 --> 00:27:26,219
Next stop - Money Town!
498
00:27:26,220 --> 00:27:29,859
Why have I got whisker...
Am I shitting?
499
00:27:29,860 --> 00:27:33,579
You're a fat cat trying to
escape on a hot-air balloon marked
500
00:27:33,580 --> 00:27:36,659
"Corruption" and you're taking
a big steaming shit
501
00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:38,899
onto all of the students
down below you.
502
00:27:38,900 --> 00:27:42,179
But now, this sword with
"Impeachment" written on it
503
00:27:42,180 --> 00:27:44,019
is about to cut off your head.
504
00:27:44,020 --> 00:27:45,259
It is a pretty good likeness,
505
00:27:45,260 --> 00:27:47,139
considering it's a cat
taking a shit.
506
00:27:47,140 --> 00:27:50,699
Well, it's irrelevant
because I've balanced the budget.
507
00:27:50,700 --> 00:27:53,779
Nightline, fell-walking -
cut, cut, cut!
508
00:27:53,780 --> 00:27:56,819
Plus, I've told them
that I've got an appointment
for a yeast infection,
509
00:27:56,820 --> 00:27:59,059
so they pushed the vote
back by two hours.
510
00:27:59,060 --> 00:28:03,060
Oh, no! The England game's tonight.
Uh-oh! There goes the sports vote.
511
00:28:04,380 --> 00:28:06,699
Same old Oregon, same old shit!
512
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:10,700
No! Actually, JP, new Oregon
cos it's a new day,
513
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:16,459
new outlook,
new policies, new haircut,
514
00:28:16,460 --> 00:28:18,899
new ideas, new energy, new haircut.
515
00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:21,179
I am going to move on
and I'm changing everything -
516
00:28:21,180 --> 00:28:22,979
new direction, new haircut.
517
00:28:22,980 --> 00:28:24,339
You keep saying new haircut.
518
00:28:24,340 --> 00:28:26,499
New haircut for a new president,
519
00:28:26,500 --> 00:28:30,500
for a new outlook on a new haircut
to inspire new confidence.
520
00:28:33,100 --> 00:28:37,100
Vod, I need you to give me
a new... haircut.
521
00:28:37,380 --> 00:28:41,380
Mm.
522
00:28:45,180 --> 00:28:47,019
So, I was thinking...
523
00:28:47,020 --> 00:28:51,020
All right, I could do that.
524
00:28:57,300 --> 00:28:58,899
OK.
525
00:28:58,900 --> 00:29:02,900
So what I've done is,
I've gone too short on this side.
526
00:29:03,340 --> 00:29:05,979
So I can either go short
on the other side
527
00:29:05,980 --> 00:29:09,419
or you can have slightly wonky hair.
528
00:29:09,420 --> 00:29:10,819
Um...
529
00:29:10,820 --> 00:29:14,820
All right.
530
00:29:20,620 --> 00:29:21,659
OK.
531
00:29:21,660 --> 00:29:25,660
So what's happened here is, I've
gone even shorter on this side,
532
00:29:26,180 --> 00:29:30,180
but I'll just level it up.
533
00:29:32,900 --> 00:29:34,419
OK.
534
00:29:34,420 --> 00:29:37,939
Just to fill you in, basically,
I've done the same thing again.
535
00:29:37,940 --> 00:29:41,099
Yeah, I think I should just
abandon hair at this point.
536
00:29:41,100 --> 00:29:44,899
No president's ever been impeached.
Do you know that?
537
00:29:44,900 --> 00:29:47,139
Apart from Muttock,
but he wasn't impeached,
538
00:29:47,140 --> 00:29:50,979
he just went straight to prison for
killing someone in a road accident.
539
00:29:50,980 --> 00:29:54,099
I don't know how I ended here, Vod.
540
00:29:54,100 --> 00:29:57,059
Maybe Idi Amin started by setting up
a boutique literary award
541
00:29:57,060 --> 00:29:59,259
and then a few things go sideways
542
00:29:59,260 --> 00:30:03,260
and boom! You're the tyrant queen
that killed Night-Line.
543
00:30:05,700 --> 00:30:08,059
Is that going to be my legacy?
544
00:30:08,060 --> 00:30:10,739
Oregon, this isn't over.
545
00:30:10,740 --> 00:30:14,740
You walk in there and you let
your natural charm speak for itself!
546
00:30:16,220 --> 00:30:19,179
What natural charm?
547
00:30:19,180 --> 00:30:23,180
You know. Don't pretend
you don't know. I know you know.
548
00:30:25,700 --> 00:30:27,739
You so know!
549
00:30:27,740 --> 00:30:31,379
I guess I could try
and switch it on.
550
00:30:31,380 --> 00:30:35,380
Come on. Let's even this up.
551
00:30:36,020 --> 00:30:40,020
OK.
552
00:30:46,660 --> 00:30:50,660
OK. What's happened here is...
553
00:30:51,340 --> 00:30:54,579
All I'm saying is, it's good that
Vod is helping you with the party.
554
00:30:54,580 --> 00:30:57,619
This way, you can
focus on your study.
555
00:30:57,620 --> 00:31:00,539
Well, that certainly seems to be a
very safe way of looking at things,
556
00:31:00,540 --> 00:31:04,540
Rosa. Very safe, very neutral.
557
00:31:04,740 --> 00:31:06,339
You need to focus on your finals.
558
00:31:06,340 --> 00:31:10,340
A daily reminder of my finals -
regular as the 9.30 from Zurich.
559
00:31:10,740 --> 00:31:12,099
There you go.
560
00:31:12,100 --> 00:31:14,059
Move out of the way, Mum!
561
00:31:14,060 --> 00:31:18,060
[HE HUMS]
562
00:31:23,380 --> 00:31:27,139
Mmm... ma mia! This looks amazing!
563
00:31:27,140 --> 00:31:28,819
I fucking love chicken nuggets!
564
00:31:28,820 --> 00:31:32,820
Thanks, sweetheart,
thanks, darling, thanks, love!
565
00:31:38,300 --> 00:31:41,099
Chicken fucking nuggets!
Fucking result!
566
00:31:41,100 --> 00:31:44,739
I am going to fucking smash these
chicken fucking nuggets!
567
00:31:44,740 --> 00:31:48,740
Yeah, I might eat this in my room.
568
00:31:56,420 --> 00:32:00,420
So, I have tried and failed to
master the dark art of street magic.
569
00:32:01,860 --> 00:32:03,059
And now, boys and girls,
570
00:32:03,060 --> 00:32:07,060
for my next trick, I will
make my career prospects disappear!
571
00:32:08,380 --> 00:32:12,380
Abra and indeed cadabra!
572
00:32:13,700 --> 00:32:15,739
- Is that a trick, Howard?
- No.
573
00:32:15,740 --> 00:32:18,339
It's just the actions of a man
who no longer requires a watch,
574
00:32:18,340 --> 00:32:20,699
be it for appointment or interview.
575
00:32:20,700 --> 00:32:21,779
Sorry, brah.
576
00:32:21,780 --> 00:32:23,819
I'm going to have to call
John at Ordnance Survey
577
00:32:23,820 --> 00:32:26,339
and request that my application be
officially withdrawn.
578
00:32:26,340 --> 00:32:30,340
Theme of the Grad Ball.
The theme is Carnage.
579
00:32:31,140 --> 00:32:33,419
Like...
580
00:32:33,420 --> 00:32:35,499
Chain-saw artists, Wheel of Death,
581
00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:39,339
a woman in iron pants making sparks
with an angle grinder.
582
00:32:39,340 --> 00:32:40,379
That sounds horrific.
583
00:32:40,380 --> 00:32:44,059
Kingo, I'll focus on the bigger
picture. You sort out the details.
584
00:32:44,060 --> 00:32:46,899
What, you're Florence,
I'm just the fucking Machine?
585
00:32:46,900 --> 00:32:49,619
Try to ignore the whirring sound.
That's just the Machine doing
586
00:32:49,620 --> 00:32:53,419
- all the fucking work while Florence
fucks about in a floaty dress!
- Well, that's the deal.
587
00:32:53,420 --> 00:32:57,219
- Unless you want to sort it on your own.
- All right. Fine, fine.
588
00:32:57,220 --> 00:32:59,579
All right, compromise.
589
00:32:59,580 --> 00:33:00,699
Cheese and Carnage.
590
00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:02,419
Well, we might as well start.
591
00:33:02,420 --> 00:33:05,019
It looks like this is all
we're getting.
592
00:33:05,020 --> 00:33:07,939
Our motion is clear.
593
00:33:07,940 --> 00:33:11,659
Oregon, throughout your tenure,
we believe you've shown
594
00:33:11,660 --> 00:33:15,299
a lack of leadership,
a lack of judgment,
595
00:33:15,300 --> 00:33:19,300
a lack of character. Actually,
you have a weak character, Oregon.
596
00:33:19,780 --> 00:33:23,659
And I think I speak on behalf
of a majority of the student body
597
00:33:23,660 --> 00:33:27,660
when I say, with regret,
we have no confidence in you.
598
00:33:30,020 --> 00:33:34,020
[APPLAUSE]
599
00:33:35,620 --> 00:33:38,699
Firstly, I would like to thank
everybody for coming out
600
00:33:38,700 --> 00:33:42,700
tonight and missing the crucial
Moldova qualifier.
601
00:33:43,020 --> 00:33:46,819
It gives me the perfect opportunity
to announce that we, I,
602
00:33:46,820 --> 00:33:50,379
have finally balanced the budget.
603
00:33:50,380 --> 00:33:54,380
We, I, have had a lot of tough
decisions to make and we, I,
604
00:33:55,540 --> 00:33:58,899
have always had the best interests
of the student body at heart.
605
00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:00,419
What about the turbot?
606
00:34:00,420 --> 00:34:03,699
We know about the receipts.
607
00:34:03,700 --> 00:34:07,259
What receipts?
608
00:34:07,260 --> 00:34:11,260
Er... OK. If I could deal
specifically with the turbot...
609
00:34:12,620 --> 00:34:16,620
Let's get straight into this,
shall we? Votes against impeachment.
610
00:34:17,540 --> 00:34:21,059
- Is that us?
- Yeah.
611
00:34:21,060 --> 00:34:25,060
Oi, Dynamo! Levitate yourself
out of that fucking seat right now!
612
00:34:30,580 --> 00:34:34,579
OK. Votes for impeachment.
613
00:34:34,580 --> 00:34:35,619
Wait!
614
00:34:35,620 --> 00:34:39,620
Er, if I could, before they sit
down again, everybody,
615
00:34:40,900 --> 00:34:44,900
I have something I need to tell you.
616
00:34:45,660 --> 00:34:49,660
Oh, God!
617
00:34:51,380 --> 00:34:55,099
♪ Let them bring on
all their problems
618
00:34:55,100 --> 00:34:58,819
♪ I'll do better than my best
619
00:34:58,820 --> 00:35:02,099
♪ I have confidence you'll put me
to the test
620
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,859
♪ But I'll make you see
I have confidence in me! ♪
621
00:35:04,860 --> 00:35:08,059
- Come on, everybody! Join in!
- You're on your own, mate.
622
00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:11,139
♪ I have confidence in sunshine
623
00:35:11,140 --> 00:35:14,379
♪ I have confidence in rain
624
00:35:14,380 --> 00:35:17,379
♪ I have confidence that spring
will come again
625
00:35:17,380 --> 00:35:21,380
♪ So I'll make you see
I have confidence in meee! ♪
626
00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:27,459
[SHE LAUGHS]
627
00:35:27,460 --> 00:35:31,460
[MICROPHONE BUZZES]
628
00:35:35,220 --> 00:35:39,220
[OREGON LAUGHS]
629
00:35:41,060 --> 00:35:45,060
♪ The higher you build
your barriers... ♪
630
00:35:45,700 --> 00:35:47,219
I thought we were going to have
631
00:35:47,220 --> 00:35:49,699
to helicopter her out of the Quad
like Ceausescu.
632
00:35:49,700 --> 00:35:53,019
It was when she started singing
Man In The Mirror that I knew
she was in trouble.
633
00:35:53,020 --> 00:35:54,899
Found these under the mat.
634
00:35:54,900 --> 00:35:58,900
Oh? Oh, you are joking me!
635
00:35:59,260 --> 00:36:01,419
I'm just drowning in red ink!
636
00:36:01,420 --> 00:36:05,420
Um, I'm just off the phone
to John at Ordnance Survey
637
00:36:05,980 --> 00:36:08,539
and I came clean about my CV.
638
00:36:08,540 --> 00:36:11,419
I told him it was just a sexed-up
dossier of mistruths
639
00:36:11,420 --> 00:36:15,420
printed on a tissue of lies,
and he said he admired my honesty.
640
00:36:15,900 --> 00:36:19,419
And so, if I get a First,
the job's mine.
641
00:36:19,420 --> 00:36:21,739
Holy shit, bro!
Wax up the Oyster card
642
00:36:21,740 --> 00:36:25,740
and buy some pepper spray!
You're moving to London!
643
00:36:28,980 --> 00:36:32,980
Mole? Um... you've got a deal.
644
00:36:34,060 --> 00:36:38,060
Yeah, you can do security.
Yeah, and drugs.
645
00:36:40,780 --> 00:36:43,699
'Yeah, he'd be cool with that.
Yeah.'
646
00:36:43,700 --> 00:36:45,379
It was me, by the way.
647
00:36:45,380 --> 00:36:48,899
I gave the Blaster your number and
told them you were good at cartoons.
648
00:36:48,900 --> 00:36:50,579
Oh, thanks.
649
00:36:50,580 --> 00:36:53,459
I've been thinking about our little
trade agreement.
650
00:36:53,460 --> 00:36:57,059
Maybe I could impose a sort of
import ban.
651
00:36:57,060 --> 00:37:01,060
You know, not import from any
non-Josie territories,
652
00:37:01,740 --> 00:37:04,659
withdraw from the EU.
653
00:37:04,660 --> 00:37:08,660
JP, I think that maybe we shouldn't.
654
00:37:09,700 --> 00:37:12,219
We need to stop.
655
00:37:12,220 --> 00:37:14,219
It's over.
656
00:37:14,220 --> 00:37:18,220
Yeah, good. No, I mean... cos
that was my other idea, so...
657
00:37:19,940 --> 00:37:23,940
Oh, and, er, the Blaster said sorry
but, um...
658
00:37:24,940 --> 00:37:26,379
...this is all they could give you.
659
00:37:26,380 --> 00:37:30,380
MUSIC: Free Money by Patti Smith
660
00:37:37,980 --> 00:37:41,980
[HE SIGHS]
661
00:37:42,020 --> 00:37:46,020
Tomothy, it's me. I'll do it.
I'll take the job.
662
00:37:49,460 --> 00:37:53,460
Just please, please,
please turn the pipe back on.
663
00:37:57,180 --> 00:38:01,180
♪ Every night before I rest my head
664
00:38:04,780 --> 00:38:08,780
♪ See those dollar bills go swirling
round my bed
665
00:38:12,100 --> 00:38:16,100
♪ I know they're stolen
But I don't feel bad
666
00:38:18,940 --> 00:38:22,940
♪ I take that money
Buy you things you never had. ♪
52537
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