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1
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:19,559
Hey, Oregon.
2
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:23,560
I was just passing by and wondered
whether you fancied a quick cuddle.
3
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,159
Hey, Vod.
4
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,719
I'm just going door to door
and wondered whether...
5
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:38,119
Quick cuddle?
6
00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:39,759
Christ on a bendy bus, JP.
7
00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:41,799
Has it really come to this?
8
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,039
I'm just in a cuddling mood.
9
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,759
You know, when all you want
is a cuddle with a nice girl.
10
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:51,760
Maybe lie your head down in her lap
and cry into her pretty sundress.
11
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,039
All this over a girl.
12
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:59,599
And to think,
you used to be a legend.
13
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,439
I am legend!
14
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:05,440
Not from where I'm stood.
15
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,479
Josie...
16
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:12,559
Quick cuddle?
17
00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,199
OK!
18
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,079
Aww!
19
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,559
Josie.
20
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:19,599
Old reliable.
21
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,868
My sweet Welsh harbour.
22
00:01:22,978 --> 00:01:46,668
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
23
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,439
He's Tunisian.
You do know about Tunisia?
24
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,719
The Arab Spring et al.
25
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,199
Ooh! He's hot.
26
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:59,159
Well, that's not the issue.
This isn't fucking Take Me Out.
27
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,759
He would clean up on Take Me Out.
28
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,599
Mm! Vod, do you even know
what you're signing?
29
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:06,079
Yeah. The thing. Save the hot guy.
30
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:09,559
His name's Hasan and he's Tunisi...
He's...
31
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,839
He can't pay his tuition fees,
32
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,279
so his visa's being revoked
and he's being deported.
33
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,999
I would like to vehemently... abstain.
34
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,639
Well, I'm signing it,
because I think he's hot,
35
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:25,640
because I think
that's a perfectly valid reason.
36
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:43,959
Howard, d'you want a picture
of my mum on a pyramid
37
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,639
with her hands on a man
who isn't my dad?
38
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:50,119
No, thanks.
39
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,799
Er...
40
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,159
D'you need to talk to someone?
41
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,719
Cos if so, I could go and get
someone else.
42
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,239
Like who?
43
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,039
This is some high-level mum shit.
44
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,719
Which one of you normals
is going to understand that?
45
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,720
Kingsley? "Oh, my mum was a bit
poorly so she got a free dog."
46
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,239
Vod...
47
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:16,199
..is that a hand grenade?
48
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,079
Oh! There she is.
49
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:21,999
I was wondering where that went.
50
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,599
And it is a grenade, is it?
51
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,159
And w-why have you got a grenade?
52
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,839
Oh, I stole it from the RAF base.
53
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,719
I've been saving it for
a special occasion.
54
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,480
It's like a cigar or a nice
bottle of Moet. Catch!
55
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,799
Lighten up!
56
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,080
God! Someone never grew up
round live ammunition.
57
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,919
I made you a cup of tea.
58
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,079
On what grounds?
59
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,839
The normal grounds.
60
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:57,840
The grounds that you might like
a cup of tea.
61
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,559
Diagnosis...
62
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,560
besotted.
63
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,119
Candice...
64
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,359
am I a legend?
65
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,439
How do you mean?
66
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:29,359
In the sense of me being a ledge?
We're talking about legendosity here.
67
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:32,759
How would one quantify
a given legend's legendosity?
68
00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:35,799
A legend is the kind of guy
69
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,399
who rests his balls on another guy's
face whilst he's asleep,
70
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:43,159
photographs himself doing it and then
texts it to the other guy's mum.
71
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,319
Quick of wit, loud of voice.
72
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,839
He's always the first person
with his arse out.
73
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,519
We're talking about the kind of guy
74
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,679
who walks into a crowded room
and shouts,
75
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,680
"Hey, let's just fuck it all off
and hire a barge!"
76
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,879
So... I ask you again, Candice -
77
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,559
am I a legend?
78
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,599
Well, have you done those things?
79
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,600
I've done two of those things.
80
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,159
Do you know what Mummy would say
if she were here now?
81
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:17,519
Nothing.
82
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:21,319
She'd just slap her palm down on my
thigh and I'd get it.
83
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,439
"Jonathan, you need to
pull your ruddy socks up."
84
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,679
That's it. No more Sam.
85
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:31,239
I am restoring my legend.
86
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,199
Guys, I'm collecting signatures
87
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,279
on behalf of a Tunisian student
who's being deported.
88
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,919
Boring!
Oh. Y-You found something already?
89
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,799
No, it's just, you were saying the
other day - I think it was Tuesday -
90
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,359
that you wanted to find a cause
that you truly believe in...
91
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,959
We don't find our causes, Candice -
our causes find us.
92
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,960
I popped out for a ham panini, and
I came back with a life on my hands.
93
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,359
Oh, a big list of names?!
94
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,359
James Muttock?
Wait till the powers that be
95
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,279
find that James Muttock has signed
his name on a piece of paper!
96
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:02,999
It's called activism, Kingsley.
97
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,679
Oregon... you want to bring back
The Vicar Of Dibley? Start a petition.
98
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:10,680
You want to change the world?
Write a song.
99
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:14,760
OK. Write him a song.
100
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,959
Right now? You can't just order one.
101
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,959
Can you see any tiny pens?
I'm not a branch of fucking Argos!
102
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,719
I'll tell you what I can see -
the voice of your generation.
103
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,720
Yeah, I never said I was THE voice.
104
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,959
Done it. Burnt the lot.
105
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,079
Whoo!
106
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:39,799
It was like The Wicker Mum out there!
107
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,679
So how come I don't feel any better?
108
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,519
Yeah, it's weird.
It's almost as though
109
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,359
barbecuing a load of Polaroids
isn't a valid form of therapy.
110
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,559
Hey. Do we need anything?
111
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,040
Yeah, get some penne. Just take it
out of the petty cash jar.
112
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:07,120
You've got a petty cash jar?
113
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,399
It's not a jar.
114
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,919
It's just a JD Sports mug
with money in it.
115
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,839
Wo-ow, Mum and Dad.
116
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,359
Why not go the whole hog
and buy a Citroen Xsara
117
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,119
and start wanking off over
carpet samples?
118
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,239
OK. You know what, Vod?
119
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,039
Yeah, we do a joint shop.
120
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,199
Oh, how stupid of us!
121
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,799
We put our money together and we buy
a four-tin multipack of tuna
122
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,839
for 20p more
than three individual cans.
123
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,879
Ker-ching - tuna windfall.
124
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,999
I'm so tired of downplaying our
relationship because we live with
125
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,559
a load of hollow-eyed fuckbots
with intimacy issues.
126
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,359
Sorry, I have to write that down -
that's a really good lyric.
127
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,239
Well, I have to dash.
128
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,279
"Fuckbots with intimacy issues."
129
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:50,399
That is such a good lyric.
130
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,839
You know what?
131
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,999
You're right. You should be happy.
132
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,599
Cos you have found the one person
133
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,600
that you want to sleep with for
the rest of your whole entire life.
134
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,359
But, yeah.
135
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:11,360
Great lyric.
136
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,280
No, thanks.
137
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,879
Alison...
138
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:25,199
Um, I hate to be invited into
your lovely movement
139
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,999
and then start throwing my weight
around -
140
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,399
all 8.5 stone of it!
141
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,759
You're Oregon, aren't you?
142
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,839
Yes, I am. Hello!
143
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,759
I-I was just thinking.
You know, it's just names.
144
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,919
Just names, names, names.
145
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,199
"Humphrey Horsebox." I'm not
even sure that's a real name.
146
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,399
We need action. We need to do
something massive, like -
147
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,799
I don't know -
occupy the fucking university.
148
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,159
Yeah, as you know, it's something
we've wanted to do for some time.
149
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:56,199
Well, maybe we just need to stop
talking and follow your instincts.
150
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,279
I mean, they got us this far.
151
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,999
"Ca Plane Pour Moi"
by Plastic Bertrand
152
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,039
Sorry. Can I help you?
153
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,119
Er, are you in a position
to facilitate real change?
154
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:12,120
Sorry? We're gonna have to take that
as a "no".
155
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,399
Everyone!
We're now occupying this space
156
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,119
in protest of the university's
proposed decision
157
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:25,120
to hand over our friend Hasan to
UK border control by 6pm tonight.
158
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:29,239
We're not leaving till we've been
assured he won't be deported.
159
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,999
Thank you, Alison. If I could just
echo those sentiments but also say,
160
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,239
don't panic.
This is a peaceful protest.
161
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,919
We're not bloody anarchists.
162
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,279
Er, I'm an anarchist.
163
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,799
He's an anarchist, but he is lovely.
164
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,519
So just to confirm,
165
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,919
once you've left the office
you won't be allowed back in.
166
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,759
And thank you for listening.
Any questions, my name's Oregon.
167
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,279
I don't bite, and...
That's enough.
168
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,079
OK, I'm rambling. Thank you.
169
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,039
Check-a-check it out!
170
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,399
Four kilos of penne, bitch!
171
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,719
You were so right, Kingsley.
Why are we hiding this?
172
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,839
We're not pissing about
with little bags of penne any more.
173
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:20,079
We're in the wholesale game, baby.
174
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,759
My God, that's a lot of penne...
175
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,759
Apparently they do a six-kilo bag
of penne at Costco.
176
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:28,760
We should defo go in on a membership.
177
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,879
Looks like penne tonight, then.
178
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,639
And the night after that.
179
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,119
And... good old penne
the night after that.
180
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,839
I fucking love penne.
181
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,119
Do you know they used to call me
Penne Zellweger?
182
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,120
And... line them up - tiny panpipes.
183
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:54,719
You must be Vod.
184
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,763
And you must be the headshrinker.
185
00:11:07,013 --> 00:11:11,013
We're illegally occupying Senate House.
It's fucking carnage down here.
186
00:11:11,573 --> 00:11:13,052
Ocado password?
187
00:11:13,053 --> 00:11:14,352
Roulette.
188
00:11:14,445 --> 00:11:16,004
I always wanted to do a sit-in.
189
00:11:16,005 --> 00:11:19,204
Stay up all night, talk shit,
do a beer bong.
190
00:11:19,205 --> 00:11:21,084
It's not a fucking sleepover.
191
00:11:21,085 --> 00:11:24,084
Get marshmallows.
192
00:11:24,085 --> 00:11:25,724
Make sure you tell Candice.
193
00:11:25,725 --> 00:11:28,204
Candy! Oregon says she's
doing a sit-in.
194
00:11:28,205 --> 00:11:31,244
Ask Kingsley how he's getting
on with the anthem.
195
00:11:31,245 --> 00:11:34,484
Oregon wants to know
how the anthem's coming.
196
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:36,484
It's not an anthem -
it's a protest song.
197
00:11:36,485 --> 00:11:40,404
Guthrie, early Dylan,
mid-period Bragg.
198
00:11:40,405 --> 00:11:43,564
He says it's not finished.
I think he's struggling.
199
00:11:43,565 --> 00:11:44,964
I'm not struggling!
200
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:48,004
He says he's not struggling.
He says it's going really well.
201
00:11:48,005 --> 00:11:49,844
I didn't say "really well".
It's going OK.
202
00:11:49,845 --> 00:11:53,845
Don't unrealistically raise
expectations.
203
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:58,525
Oregon... I have to go now.
204
00:12:00,685 --> 00:12:04,685
It's a wind table. Like in pubs.
205
00:12:05,085 --> 00:12:07,004
Air hockey.
206
00:12:07,005 --> 00:12:10,804
It's a game...
and it's in our living room.
207
00:12:10,805 --> 00:12:13,204
I know. Pretty legendary,
right?
208
00:12:13,205 --> 00:12:15,444
What the fuck, JP? It's horrible.
Is it?
209
00:12:15,445 --> 00:12:17,484
Or is it just the latest chapter
210
00:12:17,485 --> 00:12:21,444
in the legend
of Jonathan Pembersley?
211
00:12:21,445 --> 00:12:25,364
At, er, 0.07k,
I think it's a bit of a steal.
212
00:12:25,365 --> 00:12:29,365
Air hockey in the living room -
what a simply legendary idea.
213
00:12:33,845 --> 00:12:35,284
It doesn't even work.
214
00:12:35,285 --> 00:12:37,164
Yeah. I know.
215
00:12:37,165 --> 00:12:40,284
But you can still play on it.
It's just not very good.
216
00:12:40,285 --> 00:12:42,164
So it's just a table?
217
00:12:42,165 --> 00:12:45,204
The legend is,
you've bought a horrible table?
218
00:12:45,205 --> 00:12:49,205
I think you'll find it's a great
deal more legendary than that.
219
00:12:50,165 --> 00:12:52,284
My fifth birthday party.
220
00:12:52,285 --> 00:12:54,044
Mum forgot to send out the
invites
221
00:12:54,045 --> 00:12:57,044
so it was just a load of her
mates from the Drum.
222
00:12:57,045 --> 00:12:59,604
We watched Platoon.
223
00:12:59,605 --> 00:13:02,364
There was no cake, no candles.
224
00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:05,924
She just gave me a little bit of Arctic
roll, which hadn't defrosted properly,
225
00:13:05,925 --> 00:13:08,724
with five matches stuck in it.
226
00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:11,044
Her mate gave me a balloon.
227
00:13:11,045 --> 00:13:13,044
Skanky Nell.
228
00:13:13,045 --> 00:13:17,045
It was the only present I ever
got that wasn't money or bras.
229
00:13:17,485 --> 00:13:19,004
It was blue.
230
00:13:19,005 --> 00:13:21,524
I loved it.
231
00:13:21,525 --> 00:13:24,404
But then she popped it with
the lit end of her Lucky Strike,
232
00:13:24,405 --> 00:13:26,044
cos she said it gave her
a headache.
233
00:13:26,045 --> 00:13:29,404
OK, sweetie. That's all we've got
time for this week.
234
00:13:29,405 --> 00:13:30,844
I knew it!
235
00:13:30,845 --> 00:13:34,604
I'm officially too fucked
for therapy.
236
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:38,324
This is a process. It takes time.
237
00:13:38,325 --> 00:13:41,964
Time and what? Time and that? Bunce?
238
00:13:41,965 --> 00:13:43,124
Honestly, you people.
239
00:13:43,125 --> 00:13:46,964
This really isn't about money.
240
00:13:46,965 --> 00:13:50,444
Is it about a tiny bit...
241
00:13:50,445 --> 00:13:51,844
of weed?
242
00:13:51,845 --> 00:13:55,845
Why don't we just pencil in
something for next week?
243
00:14:00,325 --> 00:14:02,804
We've got some students
protesting in the main office -
244
00:14:02,805 --> 00:14:05,964
are you all right to sit tight until
we figure out what's what?
245
00:14:05,965 --> 00:14:09,484
I've, er, actually got a prior
engagement with a...
246
00:14:09,485 --> 00:14:11,404
Nae bother!
247
00:14:11,405 --> 00:14:14,444
Seconds out. Round two.
248
00:14:14,445 --> 00:14:18,445
Ooh! You might want to, er,
open a fresh box of tissues.
249
00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:22,925
I call this one
"fucked-up Sunday lunch".
250
00:14:24,605 --> 00:14:26,964
Hey, you fancy a razz on
the airless hockey table?
251
00:14:26,965 --> 00:14:29,044
Oh. Excuse me.
252
00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:33,045
I was just at Pizza Express, there,
depositing some of my leavings.
253
00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:34,884
Good call. Great facilities.
254
00:14:34,885 --> 00:14:38,444
Yeah. I'm trying to avoid Candice.
She's become intoxicated with me.
255
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:41,244
It seems like Vod's mum's
like one of these blind tramps
256
00:14:41,245 --> 00:14:44,364
that can see into the future, like
you sometimes get in films.
257
00:14:44,365 --> 00:14:48,284
Oh, and also, as the homeowner,
I think you should be aware
258
00:14:48,285 --> 00:14:50,804
that Vod is in possession
of a grenade.
259
00:14:50,805 --> 00:14:53,484
Whoa. I'm going to stop you
right there.
260
00:14:53,485 --> 00:14:57,204
Because do you know what I hear
when you say "grenade"? Huh?
261
00:14:57,205 --> 00:14:59,684
I hear "legend".
262
00:14:59,685 --> 00:15:03,604
Right. So when I say "hand grenade",
you hear "hand legend"? Yes, I do.
263
00:15:03,605 --> 00:15:05,204
JP, it's a grenade.
264
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:09,205
It's not a tool for some
frat-boy high-jinkery.
265
00:15:09,765 --> 00:15:12,484
OK. I'm heading down
to Oregon's sit-in
266
00:15:12,485 --> 00:15:15,524
with the old weapon
of mass communication.
267
00:15:15,525 --> 00:15:18,604
Protest song... tick.
268
00:15:18,605 --> 00:15:20,324
All-nighter.
269
00:15:20,325 --> 00:15:24,044
Sounds like fertile breeding
ground for my next "japer".
270
00:15:24,045 --> 00:15:28,045
I call them "japers" because they're
a mixture between japes and capers,
271
00:15:28,085 --> 00:15:30,725
but with that legendary JP twist.
272
00:15:32,285 --> 00:15:35,124
Howard... I've
made you a cup of tea.
273
00:15:35,125 --> 00:15:37,844
Fuck! More fucking tea!
274
00:15:37,845 --> 00:15:40,644
I still haven't paid off my first
tranche of the tea debt.
275
00:15:40,645 --> 00:15:44,645
I'm George Osborne and I'm drowning
in a sea of tea.
276
00:15:51,925 --> 00:15:55,764
Hello, children,
the adult is in attendance.
277
00:15:55,765 --> 00:15:59,765
Sabine! Hi. Wow. Fucking...
278
00:16:00,565 --> 00:16:03,404
pleasantly surprised dot com.
279
00:16:03,405 --> 00:16:06,764
We're both busy people so I'll make
this snappy. My thesis is due in
280
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:09,764
tomorrow. It's about floating
hydrophilic dosage forms
281
00:16:09,765 --> 00:16:13,444
and the factor controlling their
gastric residence capability.
282
00:16:13,445 --> 00:16:16,124
OK, I'm not even going to
front it, that sounds amazing.
283
00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:18,284
I'm glad you think so
because I would like you
284
00:16:18,285 --> 00:16:20,204
to help me
fact-check it this evening.
285
00:16:20,205 --> 00:16:24,205
Oh, Sabine! I was actually just
on my way out.
286
00:16:24,445 --> 00:16:27,044
Erm, there's a thing.
It's a sit-in.
287
00:16:27,045 --> 00:16:31,004
Cos there's a guy, and he's hot.
288
00:16:31,005 --> 00:16:33,364
That's not the issue.
There is an issue, erm...
289
00:16:33,365 --> 00:16:35,884
I just can't remember what it is.
Wow.
290
00:16:35,885 --> 00:16:39,204
Sophie's choice - do you help
the hot guy, or do you help your
291
00:16:39,205 --> 00:16:43,205
PhD tutor, who's responsible
for marking all your work?
292
00:16:43,885 --> 00:16:45,364
It's quite the dilemma...
293
00:16:45,365 --> 00:16:47,404
Yep.
294
00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:49,964
Come on in.
295
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:52,084
I've brought my own mug and
travel kettle
296
00:16:52,085 --> 00:16:54,724
because I cannot be sure that your
house facilities
297
00:16:54,725 --> 00:16:58,725
have not come into contact
with JP's semen.
298
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,724
Laptops, yeah?
299
00:17:02,725 --> 00:17:04,724
Twitter, connectivity.
300
00:17:04,725 --> 00:17:06,284
Videography.
301
00:17:06,285 --> 00:17:08,724
You've got to get your message out
any way you can.
302
00:17:08,725 --> 00:17:10,964
Nice one, Pete.
303
00:17:10,965 --> 00:17:13,804
Don't film the fucking juggler.
304
00:17:13,805 --> 00:17:17,484
There's a book swap and
a poetry slam.
305
00:17:17,485 --> 00:17:21,485
Oh, my God, you have to see this.
This is bloody hilarious.
306
00:17:24,325 --> 00:17:28,325
Is that Margaret from
The Apprentice with horns?
307
00:17:28,405 --> 00:17:30,124
It's the vice-chancellor.
308
00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:32,444
It's actually
a very good likeness.
309
00:17:32,445 --> 00:17:34,844
She's got horns
because she's "The Bewilderbeest".
310
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,804
She's bewildered.
311
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:40,805
It's a lampoon on her
bewilderment.
312
00:17:40,925 --> 00:17:43,244
Kingsley, what have you got for me?
313
00:17:43,245 --> 00:17:47,004
Um, it's a song about, um, Tunisia,
314
00:17:47,005 --> 00:17:49,204
but, um, from the point of view
of a military drone
315
00:17:49,205 --> 00:17:50,724
that's looking down on all of us.
316
00:17:50,725 --> 00:17:53,724
It posits the question -
do drones ever feel alone?
317
00:17:53,725 --> 00:17:55,324
Does it have a catchy chorus?
318
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:59,325
No, it does not.
319
00:17:59,365 --> 00:18:03,365
This is, er, Drone Alone.
320
00:18:08,365 --> 00:18:11,724
♪ The drone alone
321
00:18:11,725 --> 00:18:15,725
♪ The dog no bone
322
00:18:17,325 --> 00:18:21,325
♪ Like John Coltrane
without his saxophone
323
00:18:24,565 --> 00:18:28,565
♪ Well, if androids dream
of electric sheep
324
00:18:31,885 --> 00:18:35,885
♪ Do drones dream of electric peep?
325
00:18:36,845 --> 00:18:40,524
♪ Whoa-oh!
326
00:18:40,525 --> 00:18:43,085
♪ Polaroid fuckbots
with intimacy issues. ♪
327
00:18:44,845 --> 00:18:46,844
According to some sources,
328
00:18:46,845 --> 00:18:50,324
somewhere in the region of as many
as 90-95% of all wartime killings
329
00:18:50,325 --> 00:18:54,325
since 9/11 have been undertaken
by unmanned military drones.
330
00:18:55,285 --> 00:18:58,045
Welcome to the age of remote war.
331
00:18:59,525 --> 00:19:02,284
I'm droning on.
332
00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:05,004
You're zoning out.
333
00:19:05,005 --> 00:19:07,604
We're zooming in.
334
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:11,605
The drone is profoundly
alone, ladies and gentlemen.
335
00:19:14,365 --> 00:19:17,484
Or maybe we just sing
All Together Now by The Farm.
336
00:19:17,485 --> 00:19:21,485
I knew you wouldn't get it.
337
00:19:25,885 --> 00:19:28,484
I quite liked it.
I thought it was a bit weird.
338
00:19:28,485 --> 00:19:30,564
Ha, OK, yeah. Very droll.
339
00:19:30,565 --> 00:19:33,564
Do you know The Psychedelic Furs?
Seminal post-punk five-piece?
340
00:19:33,565 --> 00:19:35,284
No, never heard of them.
341
00:19:35,285 --> 00:19:38,444
I thought you sounded a bit
like that, but grumpier.
342
00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:41,524
So this isn't a prank,
343
00:19:41,525 --> 00:19:45,164
and you're not perpetrating
some sort of low-level,
344
00:19:45,165 --> 00:19:46,804
indie-boy hate crime?
345
00:19:46,805 --> 00:19:49,644
You're genuinely comparing
me to The Psychedelic Furs
346
00:19:49,645 --> 00:19:51,324
and telling me that you liked
my song?
347
00:19:51,325 --> 00:19:52,924
"Quite." I said, "Quite."
348
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,284
Yeah, do you want to know
the biggest compliment
349
00:19:55,285 --> 00:19:57,684
I've been paid before today?
"That wasn't as shit
350
00:19:57,685 --> 00:20:00,124
"as I'd expected
from someone who looks like you."
351
00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:04,125
Your mum sounds harsh. Yeah.
352
00:20:05,365 --> 00:20:08,684
Are you here for Hasan?
I'm here for the photocopier.
353
00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:12,685
Hey, um, guys, sorry to interrupt
your little sit-down thing.
354
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:16,084
Er, so I have just been on
the telephone
355
00:20:16,085 --> 00:20:17,964
to a property auction,
356
00:20:17,965 --> 00:20:20,204
where I bought a house...
357
00:20:20,205 --> 00:20:23,044
for a joke.
358
00:20:23,045 --> 00:20:25,484
Yeah, nine grand.
359
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:28,364
Subject to contract,
they've offered me a mortgage
360
00:20:28,365 --> 00:20:30,964
for the legendary sum of
£60 per calendar month
361
00:20:30,965 --> 00:20:33,084
and it's got a brick-built
outhouse
362
00:20:33,085 --> 00:20:35,844
which I may or may not destroy
with a bloody hand grenade,
363
00:20:35,845 --> 00:20:39,845
so remember, hashtag japers.
364
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:44,404
The... the house.
365
00:20:44,405 --> 00:20:48,405
Oh.
366
00:20:49,525 --> 00:20:52,684
When I heard your story,
I was like, "Forget the panini,
367
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:55,284
"you need to drop everything
and help this guy."
368
00:20:55,285 --> 00:20:58,204
This... this is my Live Aid,
369
00:20:58,205 --> 00:21:00,444
and my humble gift to you, sir.
370
00:21:00,445 --> 00:21:02,164
I just hope they listen to us.
371
00:21:02,165 --> 00:21:03,524
Oh, they'll listen.
372
00:21:03,525 --> 00:21:06,764
We've got the support of the student
body, we've got a clear message,
373
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:08,564
and we've got biting, biting satire.
374
00:21:08,565 --> 00:21:11,124
Where's the food already?
I'm absolutely starving.
375
00:21:11,125 --> 00:21:15,125
You know, in my home town,
Kasserine, there's still fighting.
376
00:21:15,445 --> 00:21:19,124
Just last month, my brother was
beaten by guys we knew from school.
377
00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:20,164
Ocado's here!
378
00:21:20,165 --> 00:21:22,884
None of my friends can find
any work.
379
00:21:22,885 --> 00:21:26,244
The economy's still really bad.
There's no future for me out there.
380
00:21:26,245 --> 00:21:29,324
Ocado! Ocado! Ocado!
381
00:21:29,325 --> 00:21:31,924
Just a state of emergency.
382
00:21:31,925 --> 00:21:34,765
- Oh, my God.
- Marshmallows incoming!
383
00:21:36,285 --> 00:21:39,731
Ocado! Ocado! Ocado!
384
00:21:48,972 --> 00:21:51,091
It was 4am.
385
00:21:51,092 --> 00:21:53,691
She woke me up, stinking of gin,
386
00:21:53,711 --> 00:21:56,110
saying that she was going to drive us
to Cape Town,
387
00:21:56,111 --> 00:21:57,470
cos she wanted to sleep with
388
00:21:57,471 --> 00:22:00,350
the whole
of Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
389
00:22:00,351 --> 00:22:02,590
I mean, I was actually really
excited, you know,
390
00:22:02,591 --> 00:22:05,030
cos I'd never been on holiday.
391
00:22:05,031 --> 00:22:09,031
Crikey! That sounds like
quite the little adventure!
392
00:22:09,311 --> 00:22:13,311
Are you not getting this?
I mean... I am giving you everything.
393
00:22:13,911 --> 00:22:16,790
This is fucking
We Need To Talk About Vod.
394
00:22:16,791 --> 00:22:18,270
Well...
395
00:22:18,271 --> 00:22:21,310
since we're off the clock,
in the interests of full disclosure,
396
00:22:21,311 --> 00:22:24,790
I'm actually quite the expert in
"matters of the mum", yeah?
397
00:22:24,791 --> 00:22:26,430
I could write a bloody book
398
00:22:26,431 --> 00:22:30,431
about my dysfunctional relationship
with my mum! Oh!
399
00:22:32,671 --> 00:22:34,030
I've written a book
400
00:22:34,031 --> 00:22:36,470
about my dysfunctional relationship
with my mum.
401
00:22:36,471 --> 00:22:39,230
Mother - A Daughter's Tale.
402
00:22:39,231 --> 00:22:41,670
And, as you've been so open with me,
403
00:22:41,671 --> 00:22:45,270
why don't I take a little trip
down memory lane myself
404
00:22:45,271 --> 00:22:49,190
and tell you about a particularly
painful family Christmas?
405
00:22:49,191 --> 00:22:50,590
So settle in
406
00:22:50,591 --> 00:22:53,910
as the fog of time rolls in
407
00:22:53,911 --> 00:22:56,910
and we find ourselves in Dundee,
408
00:22:56,911 --> 00:22:59,110
in the year of 19...
409
00:22:59,111 --> 00:23:02,990
..79.
410
00:23:02,991 --> 00:23:04,550
Is Candice around?
411
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:06,390
She's at Oregon's sit-in.
412
00:23:06,391 --> 00:23:10,391
Then Assange can emerge
from his embassy.
413
00:23:13,551 --> 00:23:14,910
Sabine.
414
00:23:14,911 --> 00:23:16,470
Howard.
415
00:23:16,471 --> 00:23:19,190
And thus concludes the small talk.
416
00:23:19,191 --> 00:23:20,990
Are you avoiding your new housemate?
417
00:23:20,991 --> 00:23:22,830
Only for the remainder
of the semester.
418
00:23:22,831 --> 00:23:25,230
So, if you'll excuse me,
I need to look into cooking
419
00:23:25,231 --> 00:23:28,790
an enormous,
nutritionally-balanced flapjack.
420
00:23:28,791 --> 00:23:31,870
Why are you avoiding Candice again?
421
00:23:31,871 --> 00:23:33,710
Cos she's infatuated with me.
422
00:23:33,711 --> 00:23:36,110
I am the subject of an infatuation.
423
00:23:36,111 --> 00:23:38,270
She's nice. Do you like her?
424
00:23:38,271 --> 00:23:42,230
OK, fine. I admit it.
But I've been burnt before, Josie,
425
00:23:42,231 --> 00:23:46,231
like a hedgehog in a bonfire.
So, no, we are just friends.
426
00:23:46,871 --> 00:23:49,550
Howard - and, trust me,
I've found this out the hard way -
427
00:23:49,551 --> 00:23:53,390
you'll tend to find that you'll
end up fucking most of your friends
428
00:23:53,391 --> 00:23:57,391
one way or another.
429
00:24:00,271 --> 00:24:03,830
You are familiar
with the film Inception?
430
00:24:03,831 --> 00:24:06,030
Well, there's reality.
431
00:24:06,031 --> 00:24:08,230
Or what we perceive to be reality.
432
00:24:08,231 --> 00:24:11,910
Or what we perceive to be "Howard",
433
00:24:11,911 --> 00:24:14,790
that being the Howard
I project to the world.
434
00:24:14,791 --> 00:24:16,910
And then we go one level down.
435
00:24:16,911 --> 00:24:19,030
The Howard behind the Howard.
436
00:24:19,031 --> 00:24:22,270
Level One Howard is an animal,
437
00:24:22,271 --> 00:24:24,550
but he's a caged animal.
438
00:24:24,551 --> 00:24:27,150
Level Two Howard
has base personal habits
439
00:24:27,151 --> 00:24:29,630
and unpleasant thoughts
and impulses.
440
00:24:29,631 --> 00:24:33,310
And then we have Level Three Howard.
441
00:24:33,311 --> 00:24:35,190
Howard Unchained.
442
00:24:35,191 --> 00:24:37,390
Howard, The Director's Cut.
443
00:24:37,391 --> 00:24:41,390
Undiluted and unadulterated Howard.
444
00:24:41,391 --> 00:24:43,150
The Howard you have before you
445
00:24:43,151 --> 00:24:46,830
is one part Howard
to 50 parts water.
446
00:24:46,831 --> 00:24:49,630
But a glass of neat Howard...
447
00:24:49,631 --> 00:24:52,390
that is unpalatable.
448
00:24:52,391 --> 00:24:54,350
This is my story.
449
00:24:54,351 --> 00:24:56,430
I'm Howard MacGregor
450
00:24:56,431 --> 00:25:00,431
and I am unfit
for human consumption.
451
00:25:01,391 --> 00:25:03,150
Yeah, I'd probably just leave it,
then.
452
00:25:03,151 --> 00:25:04,470
Is the correct answer.
453
00:25:04,471 --> 00:25:05,790
You can't avoid her for ever.
454
00:25:05,791 --> 00:25:08,870
With a little ingenuity
and a large quantity of rolled oats,
455
00:25:08,871 --> 00:25:10,030
I think you'll find I can.
456
00:25:10,031 --> 00:25:13,470
Candice might like the real Howard.
457
00:25:13,471 --> 00:25:17,471
Only one way to find out.
458
00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:21,870
While we complete our work,
459
00:25:21,871 --> 00:25:25,871
we will watch this movie
about World War II code breakers.
460
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:30,191
And we will drink this bottle
of wine that I won in a raffle.
461
00:25:35,911 --> 00:25:39,911
'Leave a message
if that's cool, but whatever.'
462
00:25:40,631 --> 00:25:43,750
Hot cocking shit, Kingsley.
I think I'm hanging out with Sabine!
463
00:25:43,751 --> 00:25:47,270
She's making me drink a bottle
of wine that she won at a raffle!
464
00:25:47,271 --> 00:25:50,430
Look, just call me in 15 minutes
with an emergency,
465
00:25:50,431 --> 00:25:52,190
and make it convincing.
466
00:25:52,191 --> 00:25:55,110
Just... say my mum
fell off the garage roof.
467
00:25:55,111 --> 00:25:59,111
But not that, cos I know that now
and I won't be surprised.
468
00:25:59,191 --> 00:26:00,270
First gig?
469
00:26:00,271 --> 00:26:02,110
The Shins at the Corn Exchange.
470
00:26:02,111 --> 00:26:04,510
And, yes, I bought a tour T-shirt
471
00:26:04,511 --> 00:26:08,230
and put it on
over my existing T-shirt.
472
00:26:08,231 --> 00:26:09,670
What a wanker.
473
00:26:09,671 --> 00:26:11,510
He's being deported.
474
00:26:11,511 --> 00:26:13,350
They're taking him
from somewhere nice
475
00:26:13,351 --> 00:26:15,190
and making him go somewhere horrible.
476
00:26:15,191 --> 00:26:17,670
It's like a shit version
of A Place In The Sun.
477
00:26:17,671 --> 00:26:19,870
Oregon, we're covering old ground.
478
00:26:19,871 --> 00:26:22,390
I didn't get it before
but now I do.
479
00:26:22,391 --> 00:26:23,430
This is for real.
480
00:26:23,431 --> 00:26:26,350
It's not about poetry slams
and fucking Bewilderbeests.
481
00:26:26,351 --> 00:26:28,710
Does that mean
I can take the head off?
482
00:26:28,711 --> 00:26:32,711
We need to take this seriously.
So I've drawn up a few rules.
483
00:26:34,871 --> 00:26:38,871
No sex. No harassment.
No discrimination. No circus skills.
484
00:26:39,751 --> 00:26:42,350
I like a joke
as much as the next comrade.
485
00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:46,351
Not a bloody diabolo, not indoors.
486
00:26:47,711 --> 00:26:50,510
OK, well, if that's everything...
487
00:26:50,511 --> 00:26:52,270
Actually, it isn't.
488
00:26:52,271 --> 00:26:54,630
I've contacted
the Manchester Evening News,
489
00:26:54,631 --> 00:26:56,390
and they want to interview
me and Hasan,
490
00:26:56,391 --> 00:26:58,790
if that's all right by you, San?
That would be great.
491
00:26:58,791 --> 00:27:02,791
I don't mean to go on about it
but there's very little ventilation.
492
00:27:03,751 --> 00:27:05,230
It's very hot in here.
493
00:27:05,231 --> 00:27:06,750
Favourite member of the Bad Seeds?
494
00:27:06,751 --> 00:27:08,830
Er, Warren Ellis.
Is the correct answer.
495
00:27:08,831 --> 00:27:09,870
Funeral song?
496
00:27:09,871 --> 00:27:11,670
Trout Mask Replica
by Captain Beefheart.
497
00:27:11,671 --> 00:27:13,230
That's an album. I know it is.
498
00:27:13,231 --> 00:27:16,550
Maximum self-indulgence
in the crematorium. Respect.
499
00:27:16,551 --> 00:27:18,470
I've actually got a spare ticket
500
00:27:18,471 --> 00:27:20,790
to Nick Cave at the Apollo
if you're interested...
501
00:27:20,791 --> 00:27:23,670
Um... I'm about as interested
as Johnny Marr
502
00:27:23,671 --> 00:27:26,430
in a room full
of Fender Telecasters.
503
00:27:26,431 --> 00:27:28,230
I'm very fucking interested.
504
00:27:28,231 --> 00:27:32,190
You don't need to check
with your girlfriend first?
505
00:27:32,191 --> 00:27:33,790
Oh, Josie? Yeah.
506
00:27:33,791 --> 00:27:36,430
Yeah, we're cool.
No, yeah, we're very, very cool.
507
00:27:36,431 --> 00:27:40,431
Let me give you my number.
508
00:27:41,711 --> 00:27:44,110
Joke house, joke house!
Who bought a joke house?
509
00:27:44,111 --> 00:27:48,111
Joke house, joke house!
The legendary joke house. Joke house!
510
00:27:48,951 --> 00:27:52,310
Hey! Howie, what's got two thumbs
511
00:27:52,311 --> 00:27:56,150
and just bought a bloody house
for a joke?
512
00:27:56,151 --> 00:27:58,390
That's senseless.
513
00:27:58,391 --> 00:28:01,310
Oh, God.
514
00:28:01,311 --> 00:28:03,630
I know. What has become of my legend?
515
00:28:03,631 --> 00:28:07,631
Well - and this isn't a tacit
endorsement of your legend -
516
00:28:08,071 --> 00:28:12,071
but perhaps, like Faust, you've
become the classic overreacher.
517
00:28:12,951 --> 00:28:16,310
Houses, air-hockey tables.
518
00:28:16,311 --> 00:28:18,150
Legends aren't bought, JP.
519
00:28:18,151 --> 00:28:22,151
Legends are forged in steel
and fire by men with guts.
520
00:28:23,231 --> 00:28:25,150
Let me stop you right there.
521
00:28:25,151 --> 00:28:28,870
Because do you know
what I hear when you say,
522
00:28:28,871 --> 00:28:31,510
"Forged in steel and fire"?
523
00:28:31,511 --> 00:28:35,511
Is it perchance,
"Legend, legend, hand legend"?
524
00:28:36,271 --> 00:28:37,870
No.
525
00:28:37,871 --> 00:28:41,871
I hear, "JP should
set his trainers on fire."
526
00:28:43,031 --> 00:28:44,390
Oh, dear.
527
00:28:44,391 --> 00:28:46,511
Oh, dear indeed.
528
00:28:54,591 --> 00:28:57,990
Why are you compulsively
checking your smartphone?
529
00:28:57,991 --> 00:29:00,310
I was just checking the time.
530
00:29:00,311 --> 00:29:04,311
You know, Josie, you remind me
a lot of me when I was your age.
531
00:29:06,191 --> 00:29:08,670
Really? How so?
532
00:29:08,671 --> 00:29:11,790
I was in a relationship.
His name was Joost.
533
00:29:11,791 --> 00:29:14,590
It was very intense.
I would wash his boxer pants,
534
00:29:14,591 --> 00:29:16,630
I would cook him bitterballen,
I would...
535
00:29:16,631 --> 00:29:19,550
I would go with him and watch him
play darts with his friends.
536
00:29:19,551 --> 00:29:22,270
I was his trophy girlfriend.
537
00:29:22,271 --> 00:29:26,271
I was merely an... appendage.
538
00:29:26,751 --> 00:29:30,751
OK. That's enough of the raffle wine.
539
00:29:31,671 --> 00:29:33,110
You know, Josie,
540
00:29:33,111 --> 00:29:36,710
you are too young to sit here
waiting for him to call
541
00:29:36,711 --> 00:29:39,310
like a dutiful hausfrau,
542
00:29:39,311 --> 00:29:41,791
rattling around your empty home
like a pea in a can.
543
00:29:43,711 --> 00:29:47,711
I was checking the time. Pfft!
544
00:29:49,391 --> 00:29:50,990
And now...
545
00:29:50,991 --> 00:29:54,390
I'm going to help myself
to a biscuit
546
00:29:54,391 --> 00:29:58,391
like you helped yourself to
my birthday cake eight months ago.
547
00:30:00,271 --> 00:30:04,271
"Muggins.
Of course it was muggins.
548
00:30:04,551 --> 00:30:08,551
"Who else but wee little
five-year-old muggins
549
00:30:08,711 --> 00:30:12,711
"would try to garner
her distant mother's affection
550
00:30:13,791 --> 00:30:17,791
"by gift-wrapping a kitten in
an airtight Tupperware container?"
551
00:30:24,991 --> 00:30:28,910
Needless to say, Boxing Day
was somewhat of a write-off.
552
00:30:28,911 --> 00:30:32,911
God. And I thought Platoon balloon
was sad.
553
00:30:33,191 --> 00:30:36,310
So you see, Vod, I'm...
554
00:30:36,311 --> 00:30:40,311
something of an old hand
when it comes to mum issues.
555
00:30:51,191 --> 00:30:55,150
We inhale.
556
00:30:55,151 --> 00:30:59,151
We exhale.
557
00:31:00,151 --> 00:31:02,350
We inhale.
558
00:31:02,351 --> 00:31:06,070
We exhale.
559
00:31:06,071 --> 00:31:10,071
I've had an idea. You OK to drive?
560
00:31:11,351 --> 00:31:14,310
Vod...
561
00:31:14,311 --> 00:31:18,311
..I would fuckin' love to drive.
562
00:31:26,231 --> 00:31:27,510
Um...
563
00:31:27,511 --> 00:31:30,670
Sabine.
564
00:31:30,671 --> 00:31:32,710
What would you be doing?
565
00:31:32,711 --> 00:31:34,350
I'm licking Oregon's biscuits
566
00:31:34,351 --> 00:31:36,510
and then placing them
back in the packet.
567
00:31:36,511 --> 00:31:38,510
Yeah, cos that's what I thought.
568
00:31:38,511 --> 00:31:40,030
I lived here for six months.
569
00:31:40,031 --> 00:31:43,430
You think I didn't realise you were
all laughing behind my back?
570
00:31:43,431 --> 00:31:44,910
And why?
571
00:31:44,911 --> 00:31:46,470
Because I'm Dutch?
572
00:31:46,471 --> 00:31:48,350
Because I'm an adult?
573
00:31:48,351 --> 00:31:51,350
Yeah. Can you stop doing that?
574
00:31:51,351 --> 00:31:55,351
Does my biscuit-licking
offend you, Josie?
575
00:31:56,191 --> 00:31:59,950
Little bit. Yeah.
576
00:31:59,951 --> 00:32:03,630
OK, um, you... you lick away.
577
00:32:03,631 --> 00:32:06,270
I'm just going to...
578
00:32:06,271 --> 00:32:09,190
'Leave a message,
if that's cool, but whatever.'
579
00:32:09,191 --> 00:32:11,390
For fuck's sake, Kingsley,
pick up your phone!
580
00:32:11,391 --> 00:32:13,790
Sabine's gone loco.
She's in the kitchen, right now,
581
00:32:13,791 --> 00:32:16,990
using your breadsticks
as some sort of loofah.
582
00:32:16,991 --> 00:32:20,991
I need to get rid of her.
Just call me when you get this.
583
00:32:48,951 --> 00:32:50,470
Candice.
584
00:32:50,471 --> 00:32:51,550
The reason I'm here
585
00:32:51,551 --> 00:32:54,350
is because you made me
a delicious cup of tea, so...
586
00:32:54,351 --> 00:32:56,190
in return, I'm going to offer you
587
00:32:56,191 --> 00:33:00,191
the following cup
of steaming-hot Howard.
588
00:33:00,231 --> 00:33:02,750
I urinate in the shower. Hmm?
589
00:33:02,751 --> 00:33:05,390
I brush my teeth situated
on the toilet.
590
00:33:05,391 --> 00:33:06,950
I laugh audibly at parked cars
591
00:33:06,951 --> 00:33:09,750
when I can see the interior light
is still left on.
592
00:33:09,751 --> 00:33:10,950
Hmm?
593
00:33:10,951 --> 00:33:13,110
And, as you know,
594
00:33:13,111 --> 00:33:16,390
on occasions too numerous
to mention, I...
595
00:33:16,391 --> 00:33:17,470
self-masturbate.
596
00:33:17,471 --> 00:33:19,390
Howard,
why are you telling me all this?
597
00:33:19,391 --> 00:33:20,950
Because you have a right to know.
598
00:33:20,951 --> 00:33:22,750
And, frankly,
you need to rid yourself
599
00:33:22,751 --> 00:33:25,510
of these ludicrous preconceptions
of me as some kind of...
600
00:33:25,511 --> 00:33:27,150
polymath demigod.
601
00:33:27,151 --> 00:33:30,430
Howard, I just want to be, um,
friends. Friends?
602
00:33:30,431 --> 00:33:32,470
Yeah, I mean, um...
603
00:33:32,471 --> 00:33:34,870
No, no. It's... It's fine.
604
00:33:34,871 --> 00:33:37,550
Friends. I get it.
605
00:33:37,551 --> 00:33:39,110
I apologise. I can...
606
00:33:39,111 --> 00:33:41,670
write the remainder of this
boilerplate rejection speech
607
00:33:41,671 --> 00:33:43,510
in my own time, so...
608
00:33:43,511 --> 00:33:47,511
Thank you... and good night.
609
00:33:51,671 --> 00:33:54,630
That's great.
Just need a quick photo. Yeah, sure.
610
00:33:54,631 --> 00:33:56,110
Oregon?
611
00:33:56,111 --> 00:33:58,190
Oh, no. You don't want me on it.
612
00:33:58,191 --> 00:34:01,111
OK, go on, then!
613
00:34:03,391 --> 00:34:07,391
Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.
I'll be in touch.
614
00:34:10,031 --> 00:34:11,670
He was great. Wasn't he great?
615
00:34:11,671 --> 00:34:13,830
I mean, you think
"regional journalism"
616
00:34:13,831 --> 00:34:15,630
and you assume
it's going to be all
617
00:34:15,631 --> 00:34:18,710
"Local Man Loses Debit Card
in Bingo Hall".
618
00:34:18,711 --> 00:34:21,910
But he was great. I mean,
he asked all the right questions.
619
00:34:21,911 --> 00:34:24,830
Yeah, he was OK.
620
00:34:24,831 --> 00:34:28,831
But you... You were...
You were great.
621
00:34:29,511 --> 00:34:33,511
Oh.
622
00:34:45,471 --> 00:34:49,430
It's OK, Josie. I'm in disgrace.
I will phone for a taxi.
623
00:34:49,431 --> 00:34:53,431
No, I want you to stay.
624
00:34:53,751 --> 00:34:56,030
Look, I'm home alone
625
00:34:56,031 --> 00:34:58,470
and my wanker boyfriend
isn't calling me back.
626
00:34:58,471 --> 00:35:00,310
And I see your raffle wine
627
00:35:00,311 --> 00:35:04,311
and I raise you vodka
from a tombola.
628
00:35:08,831 --> 00:35:11,910
I was wrong about you, Josie.
629
00:35:11,911 --> 00:35:15,230
You are a good person.
630
00:35:15,231 --> 00:35:17,630
OK, let's...
631
00:35:17,631 --> 00:35:21,631
Let's just get you away
from these breadsticks.
632
00:35:22,711 --> 00:35:26,311
Come on.
633
00:35:30,751 --> 00:35:34,030
Oh, yeah.
634
00:35:34,031 --> 00:35:36,270
Yeah.
635
00:35:36,271 --> 00:35:37,910
Yeah, that's good.
636
00:35:37,911 --> 00:35:41,911
Li... Little... Little bit softer.
637
00:35:41,951 --> 00:35:44,870
Little bit softer still, Oregon.
638
00:35:44,871 --> 00:35:46,950
Oh, my dick.
639
00:35:46,951 --> 00:35:48,550
Something's happened to my dick.
640
00:35:48,551 --> 00:35:50,831
Like, in a good way. Like, sex-wise?
641
00:35:55,311 --> 00:35:57,430
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
642
00:35:57,431 --> 00:35:59,550
OK, that can't be good.
Oh, what's happening?
643
00:35:59,551 --> 00:36:01,110
Why is that happening?!
644
00:36:01,111 --> 00:36:03,631
Oh, my God, you're bleeding!
You're really bleeding.
645
00:36:05,191 --> 00:36:06,710
OK. Um...
646
00:36:06,711 --> 00:36:08,910
I think it exploded...
I think your dick exploded!
647
00:36:08,911 --> 00:36:10,910
No!
648
00:36:10,911 --> 00:36:14,670
What's going on?
I think his dick exploded!
649
00:36:14,671 --> 00:36:16,630
Wow, that doesn't look right.
650
00:36:16,631 --> 00:36:19,190
Get me a doctor! We need a doctor!
651
00:36:19,191 --> 00:36:20,590
A dick doctor! Please.
652
00:36:20,591 --> 00:36:23,830
Ah. Slight snag. Rule number
one, no sex. So, bit of a hypocrite.
653
00:36:23,831 --> 00:36:25,230
He's snapped his banjo string.
654
00:36:25,231 --> 00:36:27,590
What? He wasn't playing a banjo.
We don't have a banjo.
655
00:36:27,591 --> 00:36:29,390
We do have a banjo.
Mike brought a banjo.
656
00:36:29,391 --> 00:36:31,390
Mike brought a uke.
What's the difference?
657
00:36:31,391 --> 00:36:32,430
My dick is bleeding!
658
00:36:32,431 --> 00:36:34,790
The stringy bit at the top of
his penis, he's snapped it.
659
00:36:34,791 --> 00:36:37,590
I didn't know you could break that.
I didn't break it! You broke it!
660
00:36:37,591 --> 00:36:39,670
I don't think this is the time
to point fingers!
661
00:36:39,671 --> 00:36:42,510
I think it's the time get a fucking
doctor! That's what time it is!
662
00:36:42,511 --> 00:36:44,991
OK. I'll make the call.
663
00:36:48,831 --> 00:36:52,831
Maybe... Maybe it just got
so hard, it snapped.
664
00:36:53,271 --> 00:36:56,790
Severed frenulum, heavy flow.
We've got a lot of blood.
665
00:36:56,791 --> 00:37:00,550
No, we really do.
666
00:37:00,551 --> 00:37:01,830
They're tending to the wound
667
00:37:01,831 --> 00:37:04,870
and then they're going to
hand him over to border control.
668
00:37:04,871 --> 00:37:06,990
Sor-ry!
669
00:37:06,991 --> 00:37:10,991
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
670
00:37:11,511 --> 00:37:14,510
I've got loads of ideas
of what we could do next.
671
00:37:14,511 --> 00:37:16,430
Shit! Look!
672
00:37:16,431 --> 00:37:19,870
My trainers are on fuckin' fire!
673
00:37:19,871 --> 00:37:22,070
Shit, that's hot! Whoo!
674
00:37:22,071 --> 00:37:23,670
Shit! Shit!
675
00:37:23,671 --> 00:37:25,270
Help!
676
00:37:25,271 --> 00:37:27,030
Hot! Fucking hot!
677
00:37:27,031 --> 00:37:31,031
Shit!
678
00:37:31,631 --> 00:37:34,030
I'm king of the fucking world!
679
00:37:34,031 --> 00:37:37,470
Get off!
680
00:37:37,471 --> 00:37:40,550
Sam! Sam, why are you
talking to him?
681
00:37:40,551 --> 00:37:42,030
Let go.
682
00:37:42,031 --> 00:37:46,030
Let's just fuck it all off
and hire a barge! Yeah?
683
00:37:46,031 --> 00:37:47,551
Get off me!
684
00:37:49,551 --> 00:37:53,350
Seriously! I will fuck you up.
685
00:37:53,351 --> 00:37:54,430
Get off me!
686
00:37:54,431 --> 00:37:58,431
My uncle is a solicitor.
I will sue your arse!
687
00:38:12,311 --> 00:38:15,070
How nice is your dealer,
by the way?
688
00:38:15,071 --> 00:38:19,071
What a lovely, lovely man.
689
00:38:30,631 --> 00:38:33,350
Fuck your mum.
690
00:38:33,351 --> 00:38:35,830
Fuck your mum.
691
00:38:35,831 --> 00:38:38,551
Be quick as you like.
692
00:38:47,071 --> 00:38:49,369
Sweet.
52475
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