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1
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:12,239
Hey, Book-o?
What's with all the books?
2
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:14,399
Exams are over, Booky Two Shoes.
3
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,879
There's no need to read.
We've been freed.
4
00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:20,879
I need to read some of Frobisher's
stuff for work.
5
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,679
Fro-posher - that's the poet guy
that you killed, right?
6
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:27,399
I didn't kill him.
7
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,839
I just happened to be the last
person he went on a drink
8
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,879
and drugs bender with before
his heart packed up.
9
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:32,559
Ugh!
10
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,199
Don't get me wrong. I think killing
poets is a good thing.
11
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,719
What do you mean "for work"?
12
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,359
Shales is giving me some Cheddar
13
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,239
for the stuff Frobisher said the
night we hung out.
14
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,639
Cool.
15
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,279
Only I can't remember what Frobisher
said the night we hung out,
cos we were totally fucked.
16
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,719
Right.
17
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:48,839
OK.
18
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,039
Downstairs.
19
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,039
Now!
20
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,519
This house is sinking.
21
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,239
But fear not,
I'm building a life boat.
22
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,759
And it's women and caners first!
23
00:00:59,337 --> 00:01:02,136
Tick and tick.
24
00:01:02,206 --> 00:01:26,711
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
25
00:01:27,457 --> 00:01:29,536
What's wrong with this place anyway?
26
00:01:29,537 --> 00:01:30,856
Why move?
27
00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:33,376
Well, for a start,
it doesn't have a wine cellar.
28
00:01:33,377 --> 00:01:34,696
And a wet room would be nice.
29
00:01:34,697 --> 00:01:37,336
Sometimes you can hear other
housemates wanking each other off.
30
00:01:37,337 --> 00:01:38,416
What?
31
00:01:38,417 --> 00:01:40,216
When it's quiet, you can.
32
00:01:40,217 --> 00:01:42,596
The flush on the toilet
isn't powerful enough.
33
00:01:42,653 --> 00:01:44,972
My mattress makes
a noise like I've farted.
34
00:01:44,973 --> 00:01:46,892
Is that your mattress?
35
00:01:46,893 --> 00:01:50,892
Look, we're coming towards the end
of our contract, and I thought,
why not just go in for an upgrade.
36
00:01:51,623 --> 00:01:52,342
House 2.0.
37
00:01:52,343 --> 00:01:54,662
Yeah, whatever you decide,
then count me in!
38
00:01:54,663 --> 00:01:57,142
Because I'll definitely want a room,
because I'll definitely be here.
39
00:01:57,143 --> 00:02:00,142
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
40
00:02:00,143 --> 00:02:04,022
I've nurtured you from young cubs.
Now you're lions.
41
00:02:04,593 --> 00:02:08,192
Such is the... circle of life.
42
00:02:08,193 --> 00:02:11,952
Hakuna and indeed matata.
43
00:02:11,953 --> 00:02:13,792
It was nice knowing yous.
44
00:02:13,793 --> 00:02:17,792
Howard, you can't go -
you're coming with us.
45
00:02:19,464 --> 00:02:20,743
Am I?
46
00:02:20,744 --> 00:02:21,823
Yes, you are.
47
00:02:21,824 --> 00:02:25,823
Because we are like Marines
and we never leave a man behind.
48
00:02:27,264 --> 00:02:29,263
That would be nice.
49
00:02:29,704 --> 00:02:30,863
Oh, that'll be Tony Shales.
50
00:02:30,864 --> 00:02:34,063
Oh, that'll be Dylan.
51
00:02:34,064 --> 00:02:36,223
Oh, this is weird.
52
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:37,943
Only it's not weird at all.
53
00:02:37,944 --> 00:02:40,623
Because I've explained everything.
54
00:02:40,624 --> 00:02:42,103
About coming round to see Vod.
55
00:02:42,104 --> 00:02:44,823
I just meant
it's a weird coincidence.
56
00:02:44,824 --> 00:02:46,623
I agree with Tony.
It's not weird at all.
57
00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,823
So we should probably get
out of each other's way.
58
00:02:48,824 --> 00:02:49,983
Do you want a cup of tea, babe?
59
00:02:49,984 --> 00:02:51,263
- Love one.
- Yes, please.
60
00:02:51,264 --> 00:02:53,663
Sorry.
You said "babe" then, didn't you?
61
00:02:53,664 --> 00:02:55,983
Sorry, I thought you were going
to say "Professor",
62
00:02:55,984 --> 00:02:57,903
as in "Professor Shales".
63
00:02:57,904 --> 00:02:58,663
My mistake.
64
00:02:58,664 --> 00:03:02,663
I was talking to Dylan.
He's my babe.
65
00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:04,583
I still love you.
66
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:08,583
Fuck off.
67
00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:14,063
Frobisher's death has been amazing.
It's totally re-energised my career.
68
00:03:14,304 --> 00:03:17,143
I mean, I don't want to sound
like I'm feasting on his corpse,
69
00:03:17,144 --> 00:03:19,383
but I'm so in demand now.
70
00:03:19,384 --> 00:03:23,383
My book's about to be reprinted,
they want me on Front Row.
71
00:03:23,784 --> 00:03:27,663
There's even a suggestion
I might be on the Booker jury.
72
00:03:27,664 --> 00:03:30,223
Jean hates me right now.
73
00:03:30,224 --> 00:03:31,383
It's wonderful.
74
00:03:31,384 --> 00:03:33,103
So you're making
a bit of cash off it, then?
75
00:03:33,104 --> 00:03:34,183
Yeah. Little bit.
76
00:03:34,184 --> 00:03:38,183
Speaking of money,
can I have my money?
77
00:03:39,024 --> 00:03:40,503
There you go.
78
00:03:40,504 --> 00:03:41,623
£200.
79
00:03:41,624 --> 00:03:42,863
It's gone up.
80
00:03:42,864 --> 00:03:45,023
- Since when?
- Since you started talking
about how well you're doing.
81
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:46,303
I'm not doing that well.
82
00:03:46,304 --> 00:03:47,943
This is academia we're talking about.
83
00:03:47,944 --> 00:03:51,943
It's gone up to 1,000.
84
00:03:52,664 --> 00:03:56,503
I can give you... another 50?
85
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:58,263
Yeah, fine.
86
00:03:58,264 --> 00:04:00,703
So, my publisher's waiting.
What did he say?
87
00:04:00,704 --> 00:04:02,623
What does the Red Lady stand for?
88
00:04:02,624 --> 00:04:06,623
He said... it was
symbolic of his cock.
89
00:04:10,544 --> 00:04:14,543
Really.
90
00:04:14,584 --> 00:04:15,623
Really?
91
00:04:15,624 --> 00:04:16,823
Straight up.
92
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,423
Swear on my nan's life.
93
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:20,223
Unbelievable. That's unbelievable.
94
00:04:20,224 --> 00:04:21,423
Yeah. I know. Isn't it?
95
00:04:21,424 --> 00:04:23,623
Fertility, power,
creation - that works.
96
00:04:23,624 --> 00:04:24,703
That totally works.
97
00:04:24,704 --> 00:04:25,583
Good.
98
00:04:25,584 --> 00:04:28,263
Shit, I've got to completely
rewrite my foreword.
99
00:04:28,264 --> 00:04:29,583
And chapter five.
100
00:04:29,584 --> 00:04:33,583
And chapter six.
Oh, my God - chapter six!
101
00:04:39,304 --> 00:04:41,583
So I went to check out that house,
102
00:04:41,584 --> 00:04:45,503
and it was basically exactly the same
as this except it smelt really weird.
103
00:04:45,504 --> 00:04:47,143
So I thought... fuck it.
104
00:04:47,144 --> 00:04:50,863
We're just going to stay here,
but we'll upgrade it.
105
00:04:50,864 --> 00:04:53,103
I've drawn up some plans.
106
00:04:53,104 --> 00:04:56,343
My decks will go over there,
mirror balls, optics,
107
00:04:56,344 --> 00:04:58,303
stage for the erotic live shows.
108
00:04:58,304 --> 00:05:02,303
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to House 2.0.
109
00:05:04,064 --> 00:05:07,903
Ignore the cocks -
they're just decorative.
110
00:05:07,904 --> 00:05:11,903
So, speaking of House 2.0, which
could potentially be quite annoying,
111
00:05:13,024 --> 00:05:17,023
I'm going to ask
Heather to move in with us.
112
00:05:17,904 --> 00:05:20,343
What with me.
If that's all right with everyone.
113
00:05:20,344 --> 00:05:22,943
No way, Jose.
114
00:05:22,944 --> 00:05:25,463
Not a chance, Charles Dance.
115
00:05:25,464 --> 00:05:27,663
Why not?
What have you got against Heather?
116
00:05:27,664 --> 00:05:31,023
You're a couple, I'm not living with
a couple - they're very... coupley.
117
00:05:31,024 --> 00:05:33,823
If you two are having breakfast,
I have to get Oregon to come
118
00:05:33,824 --> 00:05:36,623
downstairs with me, so I don't feel
like Glenn the fucking Gooseberry.
119
00:05:36,624 --> 00:05:39,623
And... I mean this like in a really
nice way, erm,
120
00:05:39,624 --> 00:05:41,543
she can be a little bit weird
sometimes.
121
00:05:41,544 --> 00:05:43,943
She's not weird.
How is she... how is she weird?
122
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,543
Give me one example.
123
00:05:45,544 --> 00:05:47,623
Well, like she says really
weird stuff sometimes.
124
00:05:47,624 --> 00:05:49,543
Like when she said
we should paint the house purple
125
00:05:49,544 --> 00:05:51,343
so we could know what it's like
to live inside a bruise.
126
00:05:51,344 --> 00:05:54,303
That's just her sense of humour.
She's got a great sense of humour.
127
00:05:54,304 --> 00:05:56,223
Everything she says
sounds like a hipster joke.
128
00:05:56,224 --> 00:06:00,223
Mate, she's a sarcastronaut
and she rides an irono-cycle.
129
00:06:00,464 --> 00:06:03,023
Whereas you're painfully earnest.
130
00:06:03,024 --> 00:06:03,943
She's not right for you.
131
00:06:03,944 --> 00:06:07,943
Fuck off, she's perfect for me.
132
00:06:08,224 --> 00:06:09,983
So, sorry, what are you saying?
133
00:06:09,984 --> 00:06:12,263
That I have to choose between you
and my girlfriend?
134
00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:13,023
No.
135
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,423
OK, well, fine. I choose Heather.
136
00:06:14,424 --> 00:06:16,183
So fuck you!
137
00:06:16,184 --> 00:06:19,983
Kingsley, come back... Kingsley.
138
00:06:19,984 --> 00:06:22,263
Kingsley!
139
00:06:22,264 --> 00:06:26,263
Look, it's fine, we don't need him,
we can still stay together.
140
00:06:26,424 --> 00:06:28,903
We just need someone to replace him.
Could be Giles.
141
00:06:28,904 --> 00:06:32,903
Could be Howard's weird psychopath
boyfriend from the abattoir.
142
00:06:33,144 --> 00:06:34,863
Could be... Sabine?
143
00:06:34,864 --> 00:06:36,503
Would Sabine move back in?
144
00:06:36,504 --> 00:06:38,103
I don't think she would.
145
00:06:38,104 --> 00:06:39,863
She might, we could ask.
146
00:06:39,864 --> 00:06:42,023
Howard, can you Skype Sabine
and ask her
147
00:06:42,024 --> 00:06:43,503
whether she's willing
to move back in with us?
148
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,423
I will not be doing that.
149
00:06:44,424 --> 00:06:46,103
Why not?
150
00:06:46,104 --> 00:06:49,943
Because she has just sent me
an email informing me
151
00:06:49,944 --> 00:06:55,989
that she is pregnant
and I am the father of her child.
152
00:07:09,154 --> 00:07:10,513
Dylan, what the fuck
are you doing here?!
153
00:07:10,895 --> 00:07:12,174
I just came to say hi.
154
00:07:12,175 --> 00:07:13,654
Well, you can't just come and say hi!
155
00:07:13,655 --> 00:07:15,294
Well, why not?
156
00:07:15,295 --> 00:07:17,134
Oh, my God - isn't it obvious?
157
00:07:17,135 --> 00:07:18,174
No?
158
00:07:18,175 --> 00:07:21,174
Because... it's rude.
159
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:22,774
It's rude to come and see you?
160
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:25,494
Yes! It feels like
you're checking up on me.
161
00:07:25,495 --> 00:07:27,654
I'm not checking up on you.
I just came to say hi.
162
00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:30,614
Well, great. You've said hi
and you've checked up on me
163
00:07:30,615 --> 00:07:33,014
and you've made sure your
little songbird is in its cage.
164
00:07:33,015 --> 00:07:34,454
So I think you should probably go
165
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:37,134
before I get really cross
about this patronising bullshit.
166
00:07:37,135 --> 00:07:38,814
OK. Can I have a kiss?
167
00:07:38,815 --> 00:07:41,094
For fuck's sake... fine.
168
00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:45,094
Oh, come on!
169
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,856
The landlord's given me
the keys even though
we're not moving in till autumn,
170
00:07:53,915 --> 00:07:55,614
so we can move our stuff in
whenever.
171
00:07:55,638 --> 00:07:59,637
That is so cool!
172
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,141
Oh, my God!
173
00:08:04,142 --> 00:08:07,101
I know. Right?
That was my first reaction as well.
174
00:08:07,102 --> 00:08:08,181
"Oh, my God!"
175
00:08:08,182 --> 00:08:09,501
It's so small!
176
00:08:09,502 --> 00:08:11,261
Yeah, I know! It's cute, isn't it?
177
00:08:11,262 --> 00:08:13,661
The hallway is actually
bigger than the flat.
178
00:08:13,662 --> 00:08:17,261
Yeah! Not quite, but... yeah.
179
00:08:17,262 --> 00:08:20,461
So... can I give you the tour?
180
00:08:20,462 --> 00:08:23,421
Will it take long? Only kidding.
181
00:08:23,422 --> 00:08:27,301
So... this is the bedroom area.
182
00:08:27,302 --> 00:08:31,221
And then this is
the cooking-slash-dining...
183
00:08:31,222 --> 00:08:35,221
slash-living-slash-reception-
slash-chillout area.
184
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:39,781
And that concludes our tour.
185
00:08:41,462 --> 00:08:44,501
Oh, my God, it's going to be
amazing. Like grown-ups.
186
00:08:44,502 --> 00:08:48,141
I can sit here and... grow my beard
187
00:08:48,142 --> 00:08:50,701
and we can get a microwave
188
00:08:50,702 --> 00:08:53,861
and we can keep it really clean.
189
00:08:53,862 --> 00:08:55,221
And we could get a cat.
190
00:08:55,222 --> 00:08:59,221
No cat. It's too small for a cat.
That would be cruel.
191
00:09:06,342 --> 00:09:09,701
Thanks for popping in, Oregon.
192
00:09:09,702 --> 00:09:13,701
So I've sorted
the wording for the invites.
193
00:09:15,462 --> 00:09:18,221
"Rhombus Press
invites you to the launch
194
00:09:18,222 --> 00:09:21,101
"of its first bi-annual
collection of essays,
195
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,781
"Ian McEwan's Afraid
Of Virginia Woolf..."
196
00:09:22,782 --> 00:09:26,381
I saw my son kissing a girl earlier
197
00:09:26,382 --> 00:09:29,661
and I damaged my corpuscle muscle
198
00:09:29,662 --> 00:09:31,221
and it hurts.
199
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:33,741
Ah...
200
00:09:33,742 --> 00:09:36,341
Leave him alone.
201
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,341
He's got a new girlfriend
called Melissa
202
00:09:38,342 --> 00:09:41,461
and she's supposed to be lovely
and I don't want you to ruin that.
203
00:09:41,462 --> 00:09:43,621
Uh, Melissa is...
204
00:09:43,622 --> 00:09:46,981
is my real name.
205
00:09:46,982 --> 00:09:49,461
If any of us have "real" names,
206
00:09:49,462 --> 00:09:52,221
according to Derrida's
study of names...
207
00:09:52,222 --> 00:09:54,741
I see.
208
00:09:54,742 --> 00:09:57,301
All right.
209
00:09:57,302 --> 00:10:01,301
Well, so, now I'm wondering
when you're going to end it.
210
00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:04,501
Will Tuesday be all right?
211
00:10:04,502 --> 00:10:06,021
Because I'd like him to meet
212
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,061
a nice girl who hasn't
fucked his dad.
213
00:10:08,062 --> 00:10:10,621
And there are hundreds of girls
who haven't fucked his dad,
214
00:10:10,622 --> 00:10:12,261
so if we can just clear out
of the way
215
00:10:12,262 --> 00:10:14,141
all the girls
whohavefucked his dad,
216
00:10:14,142 --> 00:10:16,661
then maybe we could set him up
with one who hasn't.
217
00:10:16,662 --> 00:10:18,221
But, Jean, I love him.
218
00:10:18,222 --> 00:10:20,181
No, you don't.
219
00:10:20,182 --> 00:10:21,821
Now,
220
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,861
either you tell him,
221
00:10:23,862 --> 00:10:27,861
or I tell him. Understood?
222
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:30,061
I'll tell him.
223
00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:33,141
Lovely, thanks.
224
00:10:33,142 --> 00:10:34,301
Oh, by the way.
225
00:10:34,302 --> 00:10:38,101
My brother Andrew and my aunt
Eleanor are coming to the party.
226
00:10:38,102 --> 00:10:42,101
Try not to fuck either of them.
227
00:10:46,742 --> 00:10:48,461
What's with all the boxes?
228
00:10:48,462 --> 00:10:51,341
We're leaving some stuff at
our new place over the summer.
229
00:10:51,342 --> 00:10:53,781
What? No! You can't do that!
You can't leave!
230
00:10:53,782 --> 00:10:55,021
You have to stay here!
231
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,221
We're moving out, JP.
232
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,101
Look, what if I give you my room?
233
00:10:58,102 --> 00:11:01,781
You can have it as a sort of
pied-a-terre-slash-fuckpad.
234
00:11:01,782 --> 00:11:03,541
I'll sleep in
Howard's crouching spot.
235
00:11:03,542 --> 00:11:07,541
No.
236
00:11:08,182 --> 00:11:09,581
What are you doing?
237
00:11:09,582 --> 00:11:10,981
Writing a poem.
238
00:11:10,982 --> 00:11:12,861
What's it about?
239
00:11:12,862 --> 00:11:14,781
It's a lost John Frobisher poem
240
00:11:14,782 --> 00:11:18,781
called What We Talk About
When We Talk Out Our Mouths.
241
00:11:18,822 --> 00:11:22,821
I'm going to flog it to Shales.
Clear my overdraft.
242
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:24,901
OK. Isn't that forgery?
243
00:11:24,902 --> 00:11:25,941
Yeah.
244
00:11:25,942 --> 00:11:29,941
You know, I always knew
I was creative,
245
00:11:30,942 --> 00:11:33,141
but what's really
surprised me, though,
246
00:11:33,142 --> 00:11:37,141
is the awesome power
of my imagination.
247
00:11:37,542 --> 00:11:41,541
It's like there's
literally... nothing I can't imagine.
248
00:11:45,662 --> 00:11:48,981
Is that my imagination?
249
00:11:48,982 --> 00:11:50,061
Howard,
250
00:11:50,062 --> 00:11:53,661
is there a pig in our garden?
251
00:11:53,662 --> 00:11:54,421
Yes.
252
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,181
Why is there a pig in our garden?
253
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:59,661
Because I have decided
to rescue an animal
254
00:11:59,662 --> 00:12:01,861
to atone for my sins
at the abattoir.
255
00:12:01,862 --> 00:12:04,061
Look, what if I threw in
256
00:12:04,062 --> 00:12:06,941
some His and Hers
monogrammed dressing gowns?
257
00:12:06,942 --> 00:12:08,701
K's already paid the deposit.
258
00:12:08,702 --> 00:12:11,781
We'll have a house meeting,
tonight in the pub,
259
00:12:11,782 --> 00:12:13,341
and I want everyone to be there.
260
00:12:13,342 --> 00:12:14,741
I cannot attend.
261
00:12:14,742 --> 00:12:17,381
I have no social life
because of my pig.
262
00:12:17,382 --> 00:12:19,261
I've got to feed my pig.
263
00:12:19,262 --> 00:12:23,261
I love my pig, but I have
a selfish pig. Aren't you?
264
00:12:24,142 --> 00:12:25,861
Yes, you are!
265
00:12:25,862 --> 00:12:29,861
You can bring the fucking pig.
266
00:12:32,982 --> 00:12:36,301
Dylan, there's something
I want to tell you.
267
00:12:36,302 --> 00:12:39,581
Oh, well, there's something
I want to tell you too.
268
00:12:39,582 --> 00:12:41,181
But, you go first.
269
00:12:41,182 --> 00:12:42,501
No, you go first.
270
00:12:42,502 --> 00:12:43,501
- Really?
- Yeah.
271
00:12:43,502 --> 00:12:45,301
OK. Uh, well...
272
00:12:45,302 --> 00:12:47,941
I've been thinking.
273
00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:50,821
Um...
274
00:12:50,822 --> 00:12:52,701
do you want to take
a year's sabbatical
275
00:12:52,702 --> 00:12:55,061
and go travelling
around South America with me?
276
00:12:55,062 --> 00:12:56,181
Oh, my God! Are you serious?
277
00:12:56,182 --> 00:12:58,981
I just... I think it
would besogreat.
278
00:12:58,982 --> 00:13:02,181
Just the two of us,
just reading and talking.
279
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:05,461
That would be perfect!
Oh, my God! I could write my novel!
280
00:13:05,462 --> 00:13:08,341
I could read it!
I'll need something to read!
281
00:13:08,342 --> 00:13:10,221
Oh, my God! That would be amazing!
282
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,981
I would totally love to do that!
Let's totally do that!
283
00:13:12,982 --> 00:13:14,341
Let's do that now.
Let's do it tonight.
284
00:13:14,342 --> 00:13:18,341
Er, well... I can't go tonight.
I'm waiting for my passport.
285
00:13:18,982 --> 00:13:22,381
But in three weeks' time
we are out of here.
286
00:13:22,382 --> 00:13:24,701
OK, how's this - we go to Scotland.
287
00:13:24,702 --> 00:13:26,621
Now, immediately, tonight.
288
00:13:26,622 --> 00:13:29,581
Then, three weeks' time,
we fly from Glasgow to La Paz.
289
00:13:29,582 --> 00:13:32,181
Yeah, could do.
290
00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:35,341
Hey, what did you want to say?
291
00:13:35,342 --> 00:13:37,141
You...
292
00:13:37,142 --> 00:13:38,701
have nice eyes.
293
00:13:38,702 --> 00:13:40,581
Thanks.
294
00:13:40,582 --> 00:13:42,501
Oh, and the other thing
I wanted to say was
295
00:13:42,502 --> 00:13:45,021
my mum has invited me
to your party tomorrow.
296
00:13:45,022 --> 00:13:47,021
Oh, fuck!
297
00:13:47,022 --> 00:13:50,261
Uh, cos the other thing
I was going to say is
298
00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:53,101
I'm not going
to the party tomorrow.
299
00:13:53,102 --> 00:13:55,261
You have to go. It's your party.
300
00:13:55,262 --> 00:13:57,821
We should do something else.
We could go on a day trip.
301
00:13:57,822 --> 00:14:01,021
We could go to Glasgow. We could
go anywhere. Isn't that amazing?
302
00:14:01,022 --> 00:14:04,621
My mum made me promise to go.
She's got something
important to tell me.
303
00:14:04,622 --> 00:14:06,821
OK, I will go to the party,
actually, yeah.
304
00:14:06,822 --> 00:14:08,341
Oh, great.
305
00:14:08,342 --> 00:14:12,341
Yeah... brilliant.
306
00:14:13,782 --> 00:14:17,301
I er, sold my
Frobisher poem to Shales.
307
00:14:17,302 --> 00:14:21,301
This is the start of the
poetry millions, motherhumpers!
308
00:14:21,782 --> 00:14:24,621
I am joining the gravy train
all the way to Dubai
309
00:14:24,622 --> 00:14:26,701
with Andy Motion
and Purple Ronnie.
310
00:14:26,702 --> 00:14:28,941
So the reason that
I've asked you all here today
311
00:14:28,942 --> 00:14:31,261
is because I think it's
very important that we talk.
312
00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:32,981
Actually, I've got
an announcement to make...
313
00:14:32,982 --> 00:14:34,501
Yeah, zip it.
314
00:14:34,502 --> 00:14:37,181
When I said "we", what
I actually meant by that was "me".
315
00:14:37,182 --> 00:14:39,261
Dylan's asked me
if I would do him the honour
316
00:14:39,262 --> 00:14:41,861
of going backpacking
round Brazil with him.
317
00:14:41,862 --> 00:14:43,141
And I've said yes.
318
00:14:43,142 --> 00:14:44,541
And we're going to end up in Rio
319
00:14:44,542 --> 00:14:46,981
so if any of you fancy a beach
holiday at the end of the summer
320
00:14:46,982 --> 00:14:49,781
that would be really cool, because we
probably won't see you after
321
00:14:49,782 --> 00:14:50,941
cos we're taking a year off
322
00:14:50,942 --> 00:14:53,221
to go backpacking around
the whole of South America.
323
00:14:53,222 --> 00:14:56,501
How dare you? This is a disaster!
324
00:14:56,502 --> 00:14:58,221
It's a disgrace!
325
00:14:58,222 --> 00:15:02,221
I...I'm sorry,
I need a minute, just to...
326
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:06,661
Don't you think you should have
a word with Dylan before you go?
327
00:15:06,662 --> 00:15:08,141
Tell the lad you've had his dad?
328
00:15:08,142 --> 00:15:10,341
I'm not going to tell him.
It would be a waste.
329
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:12,381
Cos I could be captured
by narco-terrorists
330
00:15:12,382 --> 00:15:14,061
and then I can just
tell him on video.
331
00:15:14,062 --> 00:15:16,541
So your plan is to go to
South America, get kidnapped
332
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:18,541
and then tell him
from a secure compound?
333
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:22,541
Yeah. And then, if he's sad, it will
give him a sense of perspective.
334
00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,541
Oh, it would.
335
00:15:25,542 --> 00:15:28,901
OK. So, I've, er, regrouped.
336
00:15:28,902 --> 00:15:32,301
Actually, Kingsley and I
also have an announcement.
337
00:15:32,302 --> 00:15:34,101
Oh, for fuck's sake!
338
00:15:34,102 --> 00:15:36,861
We are getting a place together.
339
00:15:36,862 --> 00:15:40,181
Because we are very much in love.
Isn't that right, Kings?
340
00:15:40,182 --> 00:15:41,261
Yes.
341
00:15:41,262 --> 00:15:43,381
Oh, that's great.
342
00:15:43,382 --> 00:15:46,261
That is so fucking selfish!
343
00:15:46,262 --> 00:15:48,941
Vod, you're still staying with me,
aren't you?
344
00:15:48,942 --> 00:15:51,381
You fucking kidding me?
Just me and you?
345
00:15:51,382 --> 00:15:52,821
Not going to happen, mate.
346
00:15:52,822 --> 00:15:56,581
OK. Look. I really
want you all to stay.
347
00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:58,901
Well, count me in! I don't know
if I've said before,
348
00:15:58,902 --> 00:16:01,221
but I'm not going anywhere.
I'll be here.
349
00:16:01,222 --> 00:16:02,981
Well, I've contacted the university
350
00:16:02,982 --> 00:16:05,981
and I'm in the process
of buying the house.
351
00:16:05,982 --> 00:16:07,701
What?!
352
00:16:07,702 --> 00:16:10,981
Yeah, that's right.
This shit just got real.
353
00:16:10,982 --> 00:16:12,901
I'm going to buy the house
354
00:16:12,902 --> 00:16:15,541
and then lease you back
your rooms at half the rent
355
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,981
so we can all stay together.
356
00:16:17,982 --> 00:16:19,621
So what do you say?
357
00:16:19,622 --> 00:16:22,141
And I won't take no for an answer.
Oregon?
358
00:16:22,142 --> 00:16:23,861
No.
359
00:16:23,862 --> 00:16:26,301
Yeah, I won't take no for an answer.
360
00:16:26,302 --> 00:16:28,901
Are we staying together, Kingsley?
361
00:16:28,902 --> 00:16:30,821
No.
362
00:16:30,822 --> 00:16:33,221
I won't take no for an answer.
363
00:16:33,222 --> 00:16:36,261
Funky, are we staying together?
364
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:37,341
No.
365
00:16:37,342 --> 00:16:41,341
I won't take no for an answer.
366
00:16:42,182 --> 00:16:45,101
Look... you're not listening.
367
00:16:45,102 --> 00:16:47,221
We have to stay together.
368
00:16:47,222 --> 00:16:48,741
I want us to stay together.
369
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:50,981
We need to stay together.
370
00:16:50,982 --> 00:16:53,341
I will make you stay with me.
371
00:16:53,342 --> 00:16:55,101
JP, stop it.
372
00:16:55,102 --> 00:16:56,781
You don't understand!
373
00:16:56,782 --> 00:17:00,421
My dad's dead, my mum's sold up,
374
00:17:00,422 --> 00:17:03,901
I've been deserted by all
of my friends with proper trousers.
375
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:08,421
And, yeah, when I first met you
I thought you were
376
00:17:08,422 --> 00:17:10,661
a group of freaks and losers
and pinheads.
377
00:17:10,662 --> 00:17:11,461
And you were, but...
378
00:17:13,022 --> 00:17:16,781
Will you please be fucking
quiet, Jenny?!
379
00:17:16,782 --> 00:17:19,541
I need you guys!
380
00:17:19,542 --> 00:17:22,741
That house is not just my house.
381
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,301
It's my home.
382
00:17:24,302 --> 00:17:27,421
JP, you cannot turn the tide.
383
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,781
You are not Canute.
384
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:31,301
Well, no, hold on.
385
00:17:31,302 --> 00:17:33,941
Canute could not turn the tide.
386
00:17:33,942 --> 00:17:35,861
You are Canute.
387
00:17:35,862 --> 00:17:39,861
It's over, JP.
388
00:17:40,342 --> 00:17:44,341
What if I threw in a hot tub?
389
00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:07,541
It's going to be great next year.
Just the two of us.
390
00:18:07,542 --> 00:18:09,901
Yeah.
391
00:18:09,902 --> 00:18:11,621
Although I am going to miss sharing.
392
00:18:11,622 --> 00:18:13,141
You won't miss sharing.
393
00:18:13,142 --> 00:18:16,181
I mean, you've got a
great place. I love this place.
394
00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:19,101
It's so... cosy.
It's hard to lose anything!
395
00:18:19,102 --> 00:18:21,141
Shall we open another
bottle of wine?
396
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,381
Could do, yeah.
397
00:18:22,382 --> 00:18:23,741
Why not?
398
00:18:23,742 --> 00:18:26,301
Oh, I don't know.
399
00:18:26,302 --> 00:18:28,221
Or maybe... not.
400
00:18:28,222 --> 00:18:30,661
We could just talk, and if we want,
401
00:18:30,662 --> 00:18:31,941
we could open it later?
402
00:18:31,942 --> 00:18:34,221
Could do.
403
00:18:34,222 --> 00:18:36,581
Actually, I'm... I'm quite tired.
404
00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:39,461
Can we stay here tonight?
405
00:18:39,462 --> 00:18:41,501
Sure.
406
00:18:41,502 --> 00:18:43,141
Do you want to crash here?
407
00:18:43,142 --> 00:18:46,061
Oh, um... I don't know.
Is there room?
408
00:18:46,062 --> 00:18:47,661
It's not like
there's a guest bedroom!
409
00:18:47,662 --> 00:18:50,901
No.
410
00:18:50,902 --> 00:18:52,621
Maybe I should go.
411
00:18:52,622 --> 00:18:54,581
Erm, well, are you sure?
412
00:18:54,582 --> 00:18:58,581
Don't try to
talk her out of it, babe.
She's obviously made up her mind.
413
00:19:00,742 --> 00:19:03,581
Yeah.
414
00:19:03,582 --> 00:19:07,581
OK. I'll see you out.
415
00:19:07,582 --> 00:19:11,581
OK.
416
00:19:13,462 --> 00:19:15,141
Erm...
417
00:19:15,142 --> 00:19:17,101
Well, here we are.
418
00:19:17,102 --> 00:19:19,381
Thanks for... showing me out.
419
00:19:19,382 --> 00:19:21,261
Thanks for coming over.
420
00:19:21,262 --> 00:19:24,301
I'm really glad
Kingsley invited you round.
421
00:19:24,302 --> 00:19:25,541
Yeah, no, it's been great.
422
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:28,421
It's nice, the... three of us
together again.
423
00:19:28,422 --> 00:19:32,101
Yeah. Yeah, it was. I hope it's not
the last time we do this.
424
00:19:32,102 --> 00:19:35,061
But, you know, Vod's moving out,
425
00:19:35,062 --> 00:19:37,221
Oregon's heading off,
426
00:19:37,222 --> 00:19:38,901
we've got a place together.
427
00:19:38,902 --> 00:19:42,901
Everyone's sort of... moving on.
428
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,781
Maybe it would be good
for you to do that too.
429
00:19:46,782 --> 00:19:50,781
Yeah, erm... maybe.
430
00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:53,277
It was just a thought. Night.
431
00:20:06,348 --> 00:20:10,347
Hey, Kingsley, serious question -
is my TV bigger than your new flat?
432
00:20:11,748 --> 00:20:12,907
No.
433
00:20:12,908 --> 00:20:16,627
I bet it is. Are you having
second thoughts about moving out?
434
00:20:16,628 --> 00:20:18,187
No. I bet you are.
435
00:20:18,188 --> 00:20:20,707
If anything, it's making me
want to move out faster.
436
00:20:20,708 --> 00:20:24,107
Hi, guys! So, we're going
to go now. To the party...
437
00:20:24,108 --> 00:20:28,107
which will be great. Please come
to the party, to support me.
438
00:20:28,588 --> 00:20:31,947
And to have a nice time. Free booze!
439
00:20:31,948 --> 00:20:34,667
Um, because the party
will be lovely... obviously.
440
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:36,947
Why wouldn't it be?
441
00:20:36,948 --> 00:20:40,387
Bit nervous.
Silly, I know - it's a party.
442
00:20:40,388 --> 00:20:41,427
A party!
443
00:20:41,428 --> 00:20:45,427
Everyone's going to
have a great time.
444
00:20:49,028 --> 00:20:52,587
You have to tell him, now.
Before you get to the house...
445
00:20:52,588 --> 00:20:54,267
the house where his mum lives.
446
00:20:54,268 --> 00:20:57,067
Cos otherwise, Mummy Bear is
going to tell Baby Bear about how
447
00:20:57,068 --> 00:21:00,787
Goldilocks used to think Daddy
Bear's porridge tasted just right.
448
00:21:00,788 --> 00:21:04,387
I know. You're right.
I do, don't I?
449
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,147
Do I?
450
00:21:06,148 --> 00:21:10,147
I do. I do.
But do I? No, I do, I do.
451
00:21:11,548 --> 00:21:12,627
And I will. I'm going to.
452
00:21:12,628 --> 00:21:14,547
I'll definitely do it now.
I'll do it now.
453
00:21:14,548 --> 00:21:17,427
Are we waiting for any reason?
454
00:21:17,428 --> 00:21:18,467
No.
455
00:21:18,468 --> 00:21:20,827
I'll be outside.
456
00:21:20,828 --> 00:21:22,347
I'll tell him on the way. I swear.
457
00:21:22,348 --> 00:21:23,787
You should tell him.
458
00:21:23,788 --> 00:21:27,787
Not that it's my business.
459
00:21:29,468 --> 00:21:31,387
I did not know you were coming back.
460
00:21:31,388 --> 00:21:35,387
Hey, Sabster, is there any chance
you want to maybe move back in?
461
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:39,507
No, I only came back to
see my PhD supervisor.
462
00:21:39,508 --> 00:21:40,987
I wouldn't have
come back, at all,
463
00:21:40,988 --> 00:21:43,787
because, as you know,
I don't like you
464
00:21:43,788 --> 00:21:46,747
and you are not good people,
but I decided since I am here
465
00:21:46,748 --> 00:21:50,747
I will collect my sandwich toaster
before you put it on eBay.
466
00:21:57,668 --> 00:21:58,707
OK...
467
00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:02,027
So, here we are.
468
00:22:02,028 --> 00:22:04,827
Let's just wait here a bit
before we go in.
469
00:22:04,828 --> 00:22:08,827
Why?
470
00:22:12,388 --> 00:22:16,387
Because I need to tell you...
471
00:22:17,668 --> 00:22:20,867
I love you.
472
00:22:20,868 --> 00:22:24,867
I know I've already said that,
but I really, really love you.
473
00:22:25,948 --> 00:22:26,907
I love you, too.
474
00:22:26,908 --> 00:22:30,907
Good.
475
00:22:39,588 --> 00:22:41,147
Would you like a cup of tea?
476
00:22:41,148 --> 00:22:45,147
No, thank you. I don't like the way
you make your tea. It is not nice.
477
00:22:45,508 --> 00:22:49,507
OK. Just so you know, I have been
478
00:22:49,788 --> 00:22:53,787
testing my parental skills with a
small pig I recently acquired from
479
00:22:54,268 --> 00:22:57,587
the abattoir, and they are adequate.
480
00:22:57,588 --> 00:22:59,747
Therefore, I have come
to the conclusion
481
00:22:59,748 --> 00:23:01,187
that we should live together.
482
00:23:01,188 --> 00:23:03,787
Could be here, could be Rotterdam,
although obviously
483
00:23:03,788 --> 00:23:06,947
the Netherlands are less interesting
than the United Kingdom,
484
00:23:06,948 --> 00:23:09,627
geologically speaking.
That is a factor.
485
00:23:09,628 --> 00:23:11,187
Howard...
486
00:23:11,188 --> 00:23:13,227
Sabine... please.
487
00:23:13,228 --> 00:23:17,227
I have done a cost-benefit analysis
and it shows...
488
00:23:18,348 --> 00:23:22,347
we should get married.
489
00:23:22,868 --> 00:23:24,587
I was not expecting this.
490
00:23:24,588 --> 00:23:28,147
Yes, the results of the cost-benefit
analysis surprised to me, too.
491
00:23:28,148 --> 00:23:32,147
But, look...
It wouldn't have to be romantic...
492
00:23:32,308 --> 00:23:35,107
unless you wanted it to be.
493
00:23:35,108 --> 00:23:39,107
It would be more like...
an arranged marriage,
494
00:23:39,188 --> 00:23:40,627
but...
495
00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:42,947
we've arranged it.
496
00:23:42,948 --> 00:23:44,347
I'm not pregnant.
497
00:23:44,348 --> 00:23:48,347
My period was late,
but then it came.
498
00:23:50,028 --> 00:23:54,027
Sabine, I have been rearing
a pig... in preparation.
499
00:23:55,028 --> 00:23:57,307
Did you not think to mention this?!
500
00:23:57,308 --> 00:24:00,867
I'm sorry. I forgot.
I didn't realise you'd rear a pig.
501
00:24:00,868 --> 00:24:04,867
Nevertheless... Apology accepted.
502
00:24:06,548 --> 00:24:10,547
Would you be interested...
in, any way, marrying me... at all?
503
00:24:14,108 --> 00:24:15,507
I'm not going to marry you.
504
00:24:15,508 --> 00:24:17,587
That's a really weird idea.
505
00:24:17,588 --> 00:24:19,947
For Dutch person,
marriage is not an option.
506
00:24:19,948 --> 00:24:21,467
Nobody gets married any more.
507
00:24:21,468 --> 00:24:25,467
But just so you know...
you are a real trier at making love
508
00:24:26,948 --> 00:24:30,947
and we had some great sex.
So... Sorry, OK?
509
00:24:35,868 --> 00:24:37,907
Of course.
510
00:24:37,908 --> 00:24:39,067
Thank you.
511
00:24:39,068 --> 00:24:43,067
Goodbye.
512
00:24:52,308 --> 00:24:55,307
So predictable.
513
00:24:55,308 --> 00:24:57,547
Classic.
514
00:24:57,548 --> 00:25:01,547
Absolutely... classic.
515
00:25:02,028 --> 00:25:06,027
Woo hoo-hoo! Party!
516
00:25:06,108 --> 00:25:10,107
What the fuck?!
517
00:25:10,828 --> 00:25:14,627
Oh, shit. Dylan, I think
I left my mobile in the car.
518
00:25:14,628 --> 00:25:15,667
Could you go and check?
519
00:25:15,668 --> 00:25:16,907
It's probably in your bag.
520
00:25:16,908 --> 00:25:19,267
Go check the fucking car.
521
00:25:19,268 --> 00:25:23,267
OK. I will go and do that.
522
00:25:24,988 --> 00:25:27,507
You haven't told him, have you?
523
00:25:27,508 --> 00:25:29,187
I was wondering...
524
00:25:29,188 --> 00:25:31,027
Instead of telling him today,
525
00:25:31,028 --> 00:25:33,787
could I tell him
in three weeks' time, in Belem?
526
00:25:33,788 --> 00:25:34,947
It's in Brazil.
527
00:25:34,948 --> 00:25:38,947
No. I won't lie to him, Oregon.
I'll give you ten minutes.
528
00:25:54,148 --> 00:25:57,427
Oh, um, no, thanks. I think
I'll just have an orange juice,
529
00:25:57,428 --> 00:26:01,427
sort of, end of year resolution.
530
00:26:04,788 --> 00:26:06,187
So, where's Heather?
531
00:26:06,188 --> 00:26:08,667
She's stuck having lunch
with her parents.
532
00:26:08,668 --> 00:26:09,947
Oh, shame.
533
00:26:09,948 --> 00:26:13,947
Hm.
534
00:26:14,388 --> 00:26:17,747
So, well done us,
for getting through the first year.
535
00:26:17,748 --> 00:26:18,907
Here's to next year.
536
00:26:18,908 --> 00:26:22,907
Yeah. I mean, I won't be here, cos
I got on to Zoology in Southampton.
537
00:26:24,588 --> 00:26:25,627
What?
538
00:26:25,628 --> 00:26:26,987
You can't do that.
539
00:26:26,988 --> 00:26:30,307
Er, yeah, no, I can, cos, er,
donkeys have teeth, too.
540
00:26:30,308 --> 00:26:33,747
And with animals,
if you accidentally drill through
541
00:26:33,748 --> 00:26:37,587
the side of their face,
they don't make a fuss.
542
00:26:37,588 --> 00:26:39,787
But that's mental.
543
00:26:39,788 --> 00:26:43,227
So, like, this could be
the last time I ever see you?
544
00:26:43,228 --> 00:26:46,587
Yeah, I guess so.
545
00:26:46,588 --> 00:26:50,587
But that's stupid.
546
00:26:50,628 --> 00:26:52,507
Tony, I need to talk to you.
547
00:26:52,508 --> 00:26:53,587
Interesting.
548
00:26:53,588 --> 00:26:57,107
Because last time I saw you,
you were telling me to fuck off.
549
00:26:57,108 --> 00:27:00,107
But I've been thinking, everything's
going well for me at the moment so,
550
00:27:00,108 --> 00:27:03,587
in a way, it might be better
if you were to fuck off.
551
00:27:03,588 --> 00:27:06,387
Because you're young
and you don't have two mortgages.
552
00:27:06,388 --> 00:27:09,667
And if the rumours about us
got out, you wouldn't lose your job.
553
00:27:09,668 --> 00:27:12,947
I've been thinking it might
be good if maybe you went to York.
554
00:27:12,948 --> 00:27:14,307
What?
555
00:27:14,308 --> 00:27:17,227
We need a clean slate and you're
very tempting to me, as you know.
556
00:27:17,228 --> 00:27:21,227
But everything would be good
for me, if you were in York.
557
00:27:21,268 --> 00:27:25,267
And good for you, too, of course.
It's a very good university.
558
00:27:25,588 --> 00:27:26,467
There's the Jorvik Centre.
559
00:27:26,468 --> 00:27:27,747
Fuck off, Tony.
560
00:27:27,748 --> 00:27:29,587
Stop telling me to fuck off.
It's not nice.
561
00:27:29,588 --> 00:27:33,307
Listen, Jean is about to tell
Dylan about us. Now. Right now.
562
00:27:33,308 --> 00:27:34,587
Oh, shit.
563
00:27:34,588 --> 00:27:37,387
Here's what I'm thinking -
we let Jean tell Dylan.
564
00:27:37,388 --> 00:27:40,187
Then we deny everything.
Then we say that Jean's mad.
565
00:27:40,188 --> 00:27:42,227
OK. Great. I like it.
566
00:27:42,228 --> 00:27:44,427
- I mean I don't think it'll work, but...
- It's two against one.
567
00:27:44,428 --> 00:27:46,187
If we both say Jean's losing it,
then maybe
568
00:27:46,188 --> 00:27:48,787
we can convince Dylan
that sheislosing it.
569
00:27:48,788 --> 00:27:51,747
Maybe you could go further - you
can put her handbag in the fridge.
570
00:27:51,748 --> 00:27:53,027
Or we could hire a lookalike,
571
00:27:53,028 --> 00:27:55,907
then people will say they've seen
her in places she hasn't been.
572
00:27:55,908 --> 00:27:58,787
It could work.
She's so self-dramatising anyway.
573
00:27:58,788 --> 00:27:59,827
But we have to be clear...
574
00:27:59,828 --> 00:28:02,147
we must never admit to anyone
that we slept together.
575
00:28:02,148 --> 00:28:03,187
What?!
576
00:28:03,188 --> 00:28:05,867
Ah. Now. Taken out of context,
that may have sounded odd.
577
00:28:05,868 --> 00:28:07,667
Yes, it did. It really did.
578
00:28:07,668 --> 00:28:09,307
Well, it's a long story.
579
00:28:09,308 --> 00:28:11,747
My God, Dylan, I'm so sorry.
580
00:28:11,748 --> 00:28:15,747
Dylan, we had sex and we had
a couple of mini-breaks
581
00:28:15,948 --> 00:28:17,547
in Buxton and Stratford.
582
00:28:17,548 --> 00:28:21,547
And Buttermere.
583
00:28:21,668 --> 00:28:25,507
So you're what, having an affair?
584
00:28:25,508 --> 00:28:27,747
No, absolutely not. Not any more.
585
00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:31,747
Oh, fucking hell. I mean... what
the fuck, Dad? That's my girlfriend.
586
00:28:32,148 --> 00:28:34,187
Firstly, Dylan,
less of the language.
587
00:28:34,188 --> 00:28:38,187
Secondly, in many ways, consider
this... my seal of approval.
588
00:28:39,108 --> 00:28:40,707
I think she's great!
589
00:28:40,708 --> 00:28:43,907
Dylan, it was all in the past.
It was before I met you.
590
00:28:43,908 --> 00:28:47,907
Yes, I did love your dad, and yes,
I, sort of, had a crush on your mum.
591
00:28:48,548 --> 00:28:50,187
Sorry, you fancy my mum?
592
00:28:50,188 --> 00:28:52,667
Not really.
I just wanted to fuck her mind.
593
00:28:52,668 --> 00:28:56,227
But then I met you and I realised
it was you I really loved.
594
00:28:56,228 --> 00:28:57,147
Have you told him?
595
00:28:57,148 --> 00:28:58,347
Oh, shitting fuck...
596
00:28:58,348 --> 00:28:59,907
Dylan, language!
597
00:28:59,908 --> 00:29:02,947
You knew, too? Am I the only person
at this party that didn't know?
598
00:29:02,948 --> 00:29:04,347
Did you know?
599
00:29:04,348 --> 00:29:08,347
Yeah, I, kind of, did, geez. Sorry.
600
00:29:10,628 --> 00:29:12,107
Bit of a head fuck really, isn't it?
601
00:29:12,108 --> 00:29:13,267
Do you mind?
602
00:29:13,268 --> 00:29:16,707
Sorry.
603
00:29:16,708 --> 00:29:20,707
Oregon? Does this mean you might
be up for sharing the house again?
604
00:29:21,148 --> 00:29:25,147
Wrong moment?
605
00:29:25,428 --> 00:29:27,707
I really like champagne flutes.
606
00:29:27,708 --> 00:29:29,627
Yeah, they're good, aren't they?
607
00:29:29,628 --> 00:29:32,907
Yeah. Why are they called flutes,
though?
608
00:29:32,908 --> 00:29:36,067
I don't know. I mean, they're not
really like flutes, are they?
609
00:29:36,068 --> 00:29:38,467
They're not really like
any sort of musical instrument.
610
00:29:38,468 --> 00:29:41,747
But I suppose if you rub them in a
certain way they will make a noise.
611
00:29:41,748 --> 00:29:45,547
So, in that sense they are
like a musical instrument.
612
00:29:45,548 --> 00:29:47,667
I like flutes,
but not as much as I like trumpets.
613
00:29:47,668 --> 00:29:51,667
Yeah. I love trumpets.
I fucking love them.
614
00:29:51,948 --> 00:29:55,947
Yeah. I fucking love them, as well.
615
00:29:59,908 --> 00:30:00,947
So to recap...
616
00:30:00,948 --> 00:30:03,147
none of my friends
want to live with me,
617
00:30:03,148 --> 00:30:05,907
my mum doesn't want to know me,
my dad's dead
618
00:30:05,908 --> 00:30:09,907
and... this really isn't
working as a come on,
619
00:30:10,908 --> 00:30:13,187
so I'm just going to walk away now,
620
00:30:13,188 --> 00:30:17,187
because my heart's
not really in this.
621
00:30:21,308 --> 00:30:23,427
What? Where?
622
00:30:23,428 --> 00:30:24,947
There? Is that right?
623
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:26,427
Yes! Yes!
624
00:30:27,668 --> 00:30:29,987
Fuck off!
625
00:30:29,988 --> 00:30:32,267
Bravo, Tony. Well done.
626
00:30:32,268 --> 00:30:34,947
This is classic displacement.
You don't care about Dylan.
627
00:30:34,948 --> 00:30:37,747
You're jealous because
my book is overshadowing yours.
628
00:30:37,748 --> 00:30:40,947
You're just using him as a way to
hurt me because you're a cold bitch.
629
00:30:40,948 --> 00:30:42,427
You all right?
630
00:30:42,428 --> 00:30:45,347
Just because I don't fuck my students
doesn't mean I'm a cold bitch.
631
00:30:45,348 --> 00:30:46,587
Not for the first time,
632
00:30:46,588 --> 00:30:49,467
your understanding of subtext
is found wanting.
633
00:30:49,468 --> 00:30:50,667
There you are, Jean!
634
00:30:50,668 --> 00:30:53,707
Polly, hi...
635
00:30:53,708 --> 00:30:57,707
Dylan knows about Tony
and Tony wants me to go to York.
636
00:30:58,908 --> 00:31:00,507
What a bastard.
637
00:31:00,508 --> 00:31:03,147
Tell you what, I could try
to get you both in if you want.
638
00:31:03,148 --> 00:31:07,027
There's also a rail museum.
639
00:31:07,028 --> 00:31:10,547
You're a rail museum!
640
00:31:10,548 --> 00:31:12,147
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
641
00:31:13,228 --> 00:31:16,107
Fuck off!
642
00:31:16,108 --> 00:31:20,107
At least there's always you, Howard.
You're... constant.
643
00:31:21,388 --> 00:31:23,587
You never change.
644
00:31:23,588 --> 00:31:26,507
I've come to say goodbye.
I'm going home.
645
00:31:26,508 --> 00:31:30,507
And unlike Arnie and 1970s-style
stagflation, I may not be back.
646
00:31:31,188 --> 00:31:34,347
Don't say that. What about me?
647
00:31:34,348 --> 00:31:36,307
I am so confused.
648
00:31:36,308 --> 00:31:39,547
It's like my operating system
has been infected
649
00:31:39,548 --> 00:31:41,747
by a Trojan horse
called Sabine.
650
00:31:41,748 --> 00:31:44,387
I need to perform a full
system scan and reboot.
651
00:31:44,388 --> 00:31:45,627
Howard, you can't go.
652
00:31:45,628 --> 00:31:49,307
Look, when I first met you,
you were an uber-dweeb.
653
00:31:49,308 --> 00:31:53,307
And now, you're still very
much on the spectrum, but...
654
00:31:53,348 --> 00:31:55,267
I've learnt to like you.
655
00:31:55,268 --> 00:31:57,227
Not like.
I've become attached to you.
656
00:31:57,228 --> 00:31:59,067
Like someone might become attached
657
00:31:59,068 --> 00:32:02,947
to a good dry cleaners
or an affable concierge.
658
00:32:02,948 --> 00:32:06,947
So, you see, you have to stay.
659
00:32:12,828 --> 00:32:16,827
OK, off now.
660
00:32:18,588 --> 00:32:20,547
Fuck off! Fuck off!
661
00:32:20,548 --> 00:32:24,547
Or are we just all sheep, dressed
in Virginia Woolf's clothing?
662
00:32:27,788 --> 00:32:31,787
So let me just say, thank you
to all of you, for being here.
663
00:32:33,468 --> 00:32:36,067
To celebrate me! Cheers.
664
00:32:36,068 --> 00:32:37,907
Cheers.
665
00:32:37,908 --> 00:32:41,907
I'd, er, also like to say some words.
666
00:32:44,068 --> 00:32:48,067
As you know, Tony is about
to have a book published.
667
00:32:49,028 --> 00:32:52,467
A book about the poet John Frobisher.
668
00:32:52,468 --> 00:32:56,467
In it, he says that Frobisher's
Red Lady is symbolic of his cock.
669
00:32:59,068 --> 00:33:03,067
It's not symbolic of his cock.
It's symbolic of art.
670
00:33:03,188 --> 00:33:05,627
And I know that because
John Frobisher wrote that to me
671
00:33:05,628 --> 00:33:08,947
in a book of his poems he gave me
on a night we did loads of coke.
672
00:33:08,948 --> 00:33:12,107
Guess his book's going to need
another re-write, eh?
673
00:33:12,108 --> 00:33:16,107
So in conclusion, John Frobisher
is great, especially that last poem.
674
00:33:17,828 --> 00:33:21,827
"What we talk about
when we talk out our mouths".
675
00:33:22,228 --> 00:33:26,227
And Tony Shales
is a bell end. Cheers.
676
00:33:27,268 --> 00:33:29,747
Thank you, Vod. Thank you so much.
677
00:33:29,748 --> 00:33:32,827
I would also like to make a speech.
678
00:33:32,828 --> 00:33:36,627
Um, as many of you
will have just realised,
679
00:33:36,628 --> 00:33:40,627
I am about to become
a laughing stock.
680
00:33:40,628 --> 00:33:43,907
My academic career is in tatters.
681
00:33:43,908 --> 00:33:47,907
Er, of course, things could
be worse and, indeed, they are.
682
00:33:48,788 --> 00:33:52,787
I have had an affair with
one of my students, who, in turn,
683
00:33:54,028 --> 00:33:56,307
has started sleeping with my son,
684
00:33:56,308 --> 00:34:00,307
who has just found out about
our pre-existing relationship.
685
00:34:00,468 --> 00:34:04,467
It's all right, everyone. I've spoken
to Dylan. And I think he's OK.
686
00:34:05,308 --> 00:34:06,387
Fuck you, Dad!
687
00:34:08,348 --> 00:34:09,387
Wanker.
688
00:34:09,388 --> 00:34:13,387
Every aspect of my life
and my family's life has unravelled.
689
00:34:13,388 --> 00:34:17,387
So, it's congratulations to my son
and commiserations to me.
690
00:34:19,628 --> 00:34:22,187
Public apology.
691
00:34:22,188 --> 00:34:26,187
We're all so unhappy. We're all
dying inside at the summer party.
692
00:34:29,108 --> 00:34:33,107
But, I will fight my son
for the hand of that fair maiden.
693
00:34:34,308 --> 00:34:37,347
I will not let go of the woman
that I ravished
694
00:34:37,348 --> 00:34:41,347
so hungrily on that picnic table
in the Lake District.
695
00:34:42,468 --> 00:34:43,587
I love you, Oregon!
696
00:34:43,588 --> 00:34:47,587
Fuck off, Granddad!
697
00:34:49,588 --> 00:34:53,587
Who knew that having sex
sober could be so much fun?
698
00:34:55,148 --> 00:34:59,147
Fair dos to us, to the...
the team - we did do it brilliantly.
699
00:35:02,748 --> 00:35:06,747
Yeah, like, we, together, must just
be like really, really good at sex.
700
00:35:10,308 --> 00:35:13,387
As a pairing,
it's one of our core skill sets.
701
00:35:14,108 --> 00:35:18,107
Fuck off! Fuck off!
702
00:35:20,988 --> 00:35:23,547
Dylan, I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
703
00:35:23,548 --> 00:35:26,187
No, I've thought about you being
with my Dad, um...
704
00:35:26,188 --> 00:35:27,907
No, don't think about it.
705
00:35:27,908 --> 00:35:29,547
I don't want you to think about it.
706
00:35:29,548 --> 00:35:32,067
I've thought about it and...
and I've had a walk and a think
707
00:35:32,068 --> 00:35:35,027
and a vodka and I've set fire
to my duvet and I've thought
708
00:35:35,028 --> 00:35:39,027
about it some more and I've thought
maybe, actually, it's... it's OK.
709
00:35:42,748 --> 00:35:46,067
I mean, you didn't know me.
710
00:35:46,068 --> 00:35:50,067
I didn't know you...
so, maybe, actually, it's OK.
711
00:35:50,508 --> 00:35:52,707
I mean, let's never have
a big family meal. That...
712
00:35:52,708 --> 00:35:54,907
that would be weird, but...
713
00:35:54,908 --> 00:35:58,907
I've thought about and I think
I can forget about all that
714
00:35:59,388 --> 00:36:03,387
and just think about you
and me instead.
715
00:36:12,308 --> 00:36:14,987
Actually, I've thought about it
again and it's too weird.
716
00:36:14,988 --> 00:36:18,987
You fucked my dad.
Well, what the fuck's that about?
717
00:36:33,788 --> 00:36:35,667
Chocolate shaped like unicorns!
718
00:36:35,668 --> 00:36:39,667
Drinking strawberry
milkshake in the bath!
719
00:36:40,548 --> 00:36:44,547
Fat puppies falling off tables,
but never hurting themselves!
720
00:36:44,588 --> 00:36:48,587
Having perfectly white,
perfectly straight teeth, for ever!
721
00:36:51,468 --> 00:36:55,467
Headlining Glastonbury!
722
00:36:57,668 --> 00:37:00,147
Having a latte with Johnny Depp!
723
00:37:00,148 --> 00:37:01,827
I think she'll be OK.
724
00:37:01,828 --> 00:37:05,387
Yeah, she'll be OK.
725
00:37:05,388 --> 00:37:07,907
So look...
726
00:37:07,908 --> 00:37:10,627
what about us?
What happens next?
727
00:37:10,628 --> 00:37:12,627
What do you mean?
728
00:37:12,628 --> 00:37:14,947
I've split up with Heather?
729
00:37:14,948 --> 00:37:15,947
I don't believe you.
730
00:37:15,948 --> 00:37:17,587
I can show you the text.
731
00:37:17,588 --> 00:37:19,627
Oh, that's classy. What did she say?
732
00:37:19,628 --> 00:37:21,307
I don't know.
She hasn't replied yet.
733
00:37:21,308 --> 00:37:23,227
Oh.
734
00:37:23,228 --> 00:37:24,507
What?
735
00:37:24,508 --> 00:37:28,507
It hasn't sent. Shall I re-send it?
736
00:37:29,868 --> 00:37:33,667
It's up to you.
737
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:35,387
It's kind of up to me.
738
00:37:35,388 --> 00:37:39,387
And it's, kind of, up to you, too?
739
00:37:40,188 --> 00:37:41,547
'I just...'
740
00:37:41,548 --> 00:37:45,547
want to know, before I get
off my current train that, you know,
741
00:37:46,068 --> 00:37:48,107
there's a coach wait...
742
00:37:48,108 --> 00:37:50,187
I mean, that obviously...
that sounds bad.
743
00:37:50,188 --> 00:37:52,387
No, no, no, that's fine.
744
00:37:52,388 --> 00:37:54,867
All aboard the rail
replacement Josie bus.
745
00:37:54,868 --> 00:37:58,867
Er, you know,
maybe we should just take some time
746
00:37:59,268 --> 00:38:00,707
and think about what we want.
747
00:38:00,708 --> 00:38:02,907
Sure, sure, but,
I-I know what I want.
748
00:38:02,908 --> 00:38:06,907
I just don't want to end
up between girlfriends,
749
00:38:08,508 --> 00:38:11,587
because of a misunderstanding.
750
00:38:11,588 --> 00:38:14,987
I am happy to finish with Heather,
totally...
751
00:38:14,988 --> 00:38:16,547
It's me!
752
00:38:16,548 --> 00:38:19,427
Hi!
753
00:38:19,428 --> 00:38:20,427
Goodnight.
754
00:38:20,428 --> 00:38:24,427
Sorry.
56594
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